Sold out, Suck it! – Kyle Kinane Transcribed

Sold out, Suck it! – Kyle Kinane

Corporately Stifled

A 22 year old dick having sunglasses on riding a skateboard all the time. Shouldn’t’ be able to organism just like awesome all the time, it’s all it should be. I don’t understand you mind and your body should be one system, it’s put together that way. Just one machine that gets you through the world safely, the mind and the boy, here’s the office and hers the warehouse.. It should all work together to do that. Except my mind and my body are not working together to do that. My mind and my body are not a symbiotic relationship, it’s a spy v spy cartoon, putting bombs in each other’s pocket every single chance it can get. There is a woman of age who wants to have consensual sex with you no stings attached, really, yeah, I’m nervous. PHHHH. Let’s have a conversation about brunch for 3 hours now. Are you on a field trip right now, Kylie? Are you in front of the Vietnam memorial right now, what’s happening now, really weird boner, three dead soldiers in a row all named Oscar, yeah yeah what the fuck. Are you okay Kyle, just getting real emotional you guys go ahead. Jesus Christ why. Betrayal. 

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Emily Heller – Good for her Transcribed

Emily Heller – Good for her

An impression to start

Oh thank you. Thank you so much. Keep it going for Josh Gondelman. I am so happy to be here.

I am going to start with an impression, if that’s okay. I promise it’s the only one I’m going to do. It’s the only one I know how to do. But! I think I might be the best in the world at it. I hope you haven’t heard it before. This is an impression of my mom, or rather who my mom has become since my parents got a small dog. Because I went home recently and this was a real conversation we had. “Do You wanna see Buster’s new trick? Buster. Buster. Buster sat down. Buster, Buster! Busty boy. Bust. Bust. Buster brown. Buster sat down. Buster! He was doing it before.” Thank you, thank you so much. 

Oh my gosh. I want you to know that I shorten that. You’re welcome. Also you know, I’ll go ahead and acknowledge I know you guys are not the ideal audience for that impression. It’s not anything against you, I’ve just already performed that for its ideal audience, which is my brother: stoned. He listened to that for like an hour. It’s not gonna get better than that, I’m at peace with it, we’re gonna have a fun night. 

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Andrew Dice Clay Dice Transcribed

Andrew Dice Clay – Dice

What If The Chick Gets Pregnant….

Ahhh, let’s say your fucking. Let’s say your fucking, I don’t know, your fucking dog style, right? Let’s say your fucking dog style and the chick gets pregnant. I mean, ah, would the kid pop out backward. I don’t know. I saw some chick walking around with a big hump on her back, say you were fucking dog style huh. 

Mother Goose

Little Miss Muffle sat on a tuff, eating a Kurds and Wayne, along came Miss Spider and sat down beside her. Said hey, what’s in the bowl bitch. Oh. Jack and Jill went up the hill Both with a buck and quarter, Jill came down with two-fifty. Ah, fucking whore. Little boy blue, he needed the money. Was an old lady who lived in a shoe, had so many kids, her uterus fell out. Jack be nimble jack be quick, jack burnt off his fucking dick. Oh, mother, Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her old dog a bone, she bent over, () took over oh. She got a bottle of her own. Mary Mary quite contrary trim that pussy it’s so damn hairy, oh. Alright, I see you’ve been doing your homework. But you see, that’s where I can’t go. I’m not happy with the old shit. Let’s do a few more. Peter, a pumpkin eater, had a wife who loved to beat her, smacked her twice across the head then went to bed. Little bow peep fucked a sheep she licked his ass so good tongued his balls not once but twice. Mary had a little lamb she kept in her backyard, when she took her panties off his wooly dick got hard. Hicky dicky dock, some chick was sucking my cock the clock struck two I dumped my goo I dumped the bitch on the next block end of the story. Good old mother goose, I fucked her. Didn’t have any fucking choice. Two ticks a hoe and a heartbeat that’s all it takes for me. I hate when you see a chick, oh she had a great personality, but does she suck a good dick. My friend Joey has a good personality too. But I don’t want him to blow me. 

A Day At The Beach

That’s why I don’t understand the whole faggot thing. To me, that’s common sense. I don’t see how a guy lies on a beach sees another guy’s hairy ass and says oh, I’ll eat that. I gotta have that. I ain’t leaving the beach till I see him. And they’re too sensitive they don’t know if they want to be called gays, homosexual, faires. I call them cocksuckers. I think it spells it out. What’s the big debate about it? Yeah, they want their rights, I’ll give them their rights, ten percent off vaseline now get the fuck back in the closet. It’s unbelievable. I can’t deal with it anymore. You have all kids now. Not just the regular, it’s these trans testicles now. You ever one of them that’s a nice Sunday surprise. Meet the girl of your dreams, wine and dine her, take her home, put your hand up her skirt, and hold a tree trunk. What do you say, hey for a chick you have some set of balls. And bisexual, let me explain something, there is no bisexual, no such thing. You either suck dick, or you do not suck dick. I mean, what are these guys. Do they get up in the morning and flip a coin? Heads I want, tails I want balls across the nose, oh. What a choice huh. I mean you never see a black guy being a guy. How do you give a guy heads from three blocks away and say I love you? Blacks are proud of their pensis, they hold onto it like someone is going to rip it off, you see me, coming down the street Yeah. You know a lot of people say to me, Moby, why are you always holding your dick? Well, it wouldn’t be gentlemen to leave it dragging it around behind me. And why you’re at why don’t you be a gentleman and snack the toilet. And plunge the kitchen sink, it can always use it. The blacks know what I’m talking about. They know, throw it up here let me just show em. 

Moby and The Japs

But I give him the credit he has the balls. Fuckin’ balls that’s all it takes in this world. Like, look at these jack acts. This madam butterfly, wap (?) using little motherfucker, I mean I go into a bank, the name of my bank is Hmmm Hm Hm, they’re taking over. Didn’t we drop two bombs on them years ago? What was in those bombs, fucking fertilizer? And they’re the worst drivers, I mean how do you drive with your eyes ¾ closed. You could blindfold these people with fucking dental floss, you don’t give them keys to a car. You don’t put your money in their fucking bank. You kick them out of the fucking country  

Doctors and Nurses

You don’t let shit like this happen. I try to stay cool. You know what I mean, I don’t know man, maybe it’s me. I just don’t get it. I’m having a hard time with people lately, I’m even seeing one of these psychopaths. I went in, I said, doc I’m having a hard time making friends you cocksucker. Can you give me some advice? So he sends me for a physical, right, let me tell you something, doctors know nothing about the body, it’s unbelievable. Number one I come walking in, the nurse comes over, gives me a cup of urine, you take cream and sugar with that honey? Maybe a donut on the side? So now she sends me into the doctor, he’s checking me out. I think everything’s alright. Just as I”m getting dressed the guy jammed a finger up my ass. This man goes to school for 35 years to learn about the body, you don’t jam your finger up someone’s ass. Aim and. Tickle it. Get me excited about the project. Then he starts juggling my keelsons like he’s looking for ripe tomatoes, so I’m going doc back off this ain’t no fuckign social call. So you know what this fucking nitwit tell me?


He says you need to cut down smoking, so I’m like okay, but did you have to stick your hand up my ass to find this out, number one I’m smoking 15 years, my lungs don’t bother me. Smoking doesn’t bother me. I’m telling ya I job five miles a day. And smoke. I smoke when I’m banging a chick. Sometimes they get a little pissed, the ashtray slips off their ass every now and then, so you give them a little sizzle, and then it’s honey. Move that fucking thing honey. You want me to call again. But wherever you go, people, I’m out with the pig a few weeks ago. She goes, you know you really shouldn’t smoke, it’s a dirty habit. So is wiping my ass but nobody is banning that. You go into a movie theatre the minute you sit down, big sign, no smoking. That’s when I get up. And there is always that one couple a few seats away. Oh, look at him, he’s smoking, oh yeah, and I”m jerking off too, wanna come a little closer, I’ll butter your fucking popcorn, all over the country stop cigetrrets, everywhere. Up in San Francisco the fag capital of California they pass a bill you can’t even smoke in the street, they put in jail. It offends people. But it’s okay if you want to butt slam your buddy. Yeah, slap them in the face with your dick a few times that’s not offensive. You can smoke a baloney foney but fucking a car body, what’s wrong with people? 

The Attitude

Nobody tells me what to do, not even me. Suppose to be nice to people, fuck you. Nice to be back in Philly. I like the attitude. You get into a car in Philly man, you better have an attitude, Cause the minute you pull up to a red light it’s got to stall. You know the guy next to you looks over. Did you get a fucking problem? What’s your fucking problem huh, I get out of this fucking car, stick a pipe up your ass. Those are the chicks. Cause out in the hall, that wouldn’t’ be I’m telling you. You cross a crowded street and cars won’t stop. They’re trying that here, ya know. Guy tries to stop the street, it’s like hey joey he’s trying to make it. He ain’t even halfway across the street I wanna see him fucking leg lift. There someone for the time in the street, everything is a fucking act. Excuse me, you know what fucking time it is, huh? You can’t afford a fucking watch, what do I look like big fucking bento you, go fuck yourself. Your mother’s a whole did I ever tell you that, your a prick fuck yu. Guess you don’t’ know the time hun. 

No Pity

Aw man, then you go into manhattan you got em all there. No pity. No fucking pity. Like when these panhandlers are over you know. Hey man, you got some spare change? I only carry hundreds, you fucking smelly sleazy bum. I’m the guy who put my boat in your eye when you were asleep an hour ago. What am I giving you money for, fuck you I got a family. You got your monies, your harry cricketer, would you like to buy a pencil, yeah and I’m sharpen in your fucking asshole. What do I need a pencil for, I’m waiting on a fucking bus. Give me a dollar. 

The Golden Age of Television

Bingo. Move away from here. California, now that’s what you want to be, so they loaded up that hunk of shit they call trunk and moved to Beverly Hills. Swimming pools, movies, dykes, faggots, hookers, mass murder, drug addicts, earthquakes, a great place to bring up a family huh, The old tv shows I really love. Like I dream of. No, she wasn’t a whole. But this major Nelson, he was a putz. I mean he fines this fucking chick, she walks around the house her tits are hanging out. And if you get real close to the tv as I do, you can see the bush. Oh, she had a hair bud that would knock your aunt Connery’s hair off. She’s not one of those women today that wax it. Designer pussy that’s in today. I want to wax, I want something that I can plant tomatoes in the summer and water this shit. He’s on tv, no you don’t do anything, give it to me just one. For an hour, I’d be like okay genie, you want to do something. Okay, I want you to make your tongue about six feet long. And lick the back of my balls from the other side of the room. All your worth. 


It’s unbelievable man people and then the cops I’m driving down here tonight, right, this guy pulse me over, me! He comes over to the car, I clocked you at 70, I know snapper, I would have hit 90 but you stopped me. He goes are you drunk, I go yeah, a little horny too, wanna suck my dick. So now he’s telling me to get out of the car and walk the white line, and “m like number one the yellow lines I don’t walk without a net, that’s just the way I am. Cops, man, you need a copy today you don’t call 911, you call Dunkin donuts. Tha’s where they cause let’s face that’s where times really happen. People are walking in with machine guns, okay order glazed, in a fucking box, the machines too, let’s move, so by the time these fucking cops even catch up to you, eh’s got powder on his face he’s got fudge on his fucking fingernails, the handcuffs are slipping out of his fuckign hand. I’m like hey lemme put em on, go clean yourself up, are you a copro ac circus act? 

Couples in Love

You know I was, I was just going to do something. No, no-no. shut your mouth, honey. I got a game we can play. It’s called Pinocchio, you sit on my face and I tell lies. I was going to put the mic back in the stand, but because of this group, because of the way I feel. I’m going to work with the mic off the stand. I knew you’d appreciate it. This way I can get to meet a few of you. It’s always nice to meet couples in love. YOu are in love with her aren’t you pal? You see isn’t she sweet. I’m sure her pop would be pleased with that. What’s your name, any idea? I asked you a question. Carol? The first time you nailed her? Just a quick question, was she any good? Was she any good? She was good. She was good. Let me ask you another question about your sweet little angel, how do you think she got to be that way? You want to answer that carol, what you don’t think I see the stretch marks around your mouth. The bottom line you suck a good dick yes or no, Can see suck a dick and lay back with a beer, to me that’s a lady. Cause today they don’t suck dick the way they used to. They dabble in it. Oh, look at the way it jumps. It sings and dances to let suck it, honey. And if they do you the favor do they even complete the job, they’re like, well I don’t want that stuff to come out. Wells at are you expecting a tuna on rye honey? That’s why when I start, I put a little crazy glue around the rim, consider the job done, it has its drawbacks, you walk into work Monday, you got some chick swinging from your dick but it’s a beautiful thing right. You’re friend comes over at work, hey dice you have a good weekend, hey carol. Finished up already puddy lips. And how you gusy doing, you got a good relationship going? you’re doing fucking great. I see you what I’m dealing with you pal. You got the attitude it’s okay.

When I was Young

The attitude’s okay. You hear me, it’s okay. The second I was born the doctor smacked me in the ass and I looked t him and go doc, you got a fucking problem? And then you know what they do the second you’re born? They throw you in the nursery with like 30 40 kids you’ve never seen before in your life. So I”m sitting there, bored out of my mind, so I ask this one kid, I go putz, you got a light for me? Kids laying there, taking a  dump in his diaper, drolling, so I’m saying this kid ain’t’ go no fucking glass. I put on my leather, waiting for some fucking service. Goes a plastic nipple in my mouth. I look at her sweetheart, who ya teasing, pick up the dress, we’re gonna mow the lawn today. Don’t ever tease me like that. Even in school k 12 noon, when you’re in kindergarten the teacher comes over, tries to dominate your life. Drink your milk. I rip open her blouse. I say, honey. I like it from the tap. Yeah, teachers man. They expect you to know the answers to them. I used to love that shit. It’s like on time I’m doing the old muffle shuffle on my piss pump right? I ain’t bothering nobody. Stick. The teacher starts breaking my balls. She’s like Dice, what’s the difference between two eggs and three eggs? I’m like that’s what I say, what the fucking difference, what do I get a new car if I guess the answer? I just went out. I got a new 88 caddy with all the options. My first option was to not make any fucking payments on it. Ya see what I’m saying to you. People have no fucking brains.


People have no fucking brains, like in shampoos, you go into every fucking store, they got every kind of shampoo for your head. Not one thing for the genitals, when his head and shoulders are going to wake up. I mean think of the commercials, they’d make a killing. First part of the commericial you see this chick talking with a friend “You know I went out with him last week, but you know, his balls are flakey,” then you see the guy int eh shower, he’s scrubbing them, they’lre like glowing int he fucking dark alright, now she’s all smiling, she’s licking his ass, his balls, she’s like “Gee you’re balls smell terrific,” for me taht would work. 


But women aren’t all head and shoulder, and they probably don’t know much about the penis. You know honey, I knew it was hot and sunny before I even got out of bed today. Ask me hon, ask me why. WHy. because my balls were hanging low. ELts’ say they’re really tight, we’re talking rainstorm. Half mask, cloudy with a chance of a shower, that’s right honey the penis thinks for itself, it has its own brain, why do you think the head is bigger than the rest. I could prove it has a mind of its own. You ever get up in the morning, and it’s already awake? He’s dressed, he’s ready to go. He’s int he kitchen making fucking flapjack, you’re in bed going, c’mon joey, five more minutes. The penis is going to take me shopping. I need a new hat. But you remember when we first came out with hard-on. Third first grade, you lean over like the hunchback of Notre Dame, the teacher calls you up to the board and you’re like haha I don’t think so honey. You’re the teacher, you figure it out, I got some kind of ligament over here, I don’t know what’s going on. This thing is like alien drilling into the desk next to me. Call a cop. Maybe I’ll throw a donut around. But you grow up you learn to accept the hardon, execute the pee hard on that’s god joke. You get up late to work, you gotta take squirt and joey admiring the canderle. You gotta stand there like a mono and talk him down. C’mon joey I dig you we gotta dot i’s and cross t’s later, work with me. Yeah, the morning is hard on, I’ll put that up against the ginzo knife. Little slice little dice, it’ll pump your car up if you got a  flat tire. See what I’m saying cow? 

The Bait

So you think you’re gonna marry her. I don’t. Not if you really care for her. Ya don’t marry her. Ya don’t move in with me. Don’t even act like you like me. Don’t you know that? Everything changes when you marry me. Cause when you’re dating em here, ya dating her. WHose dating? Huh. He’ll tell ya when ya dating, they’re banging the shit out of you, cause that’s the thing, but once they get ya. They forget about sex unless it’s with a friend of yours. OH yeah, I know what it’s like, I’ve been there. You’re sitting there in the house, so he’s doing a little vacuuming. Little black panties creeping up her ass, So you go over gently sticking your head up her ass. All of sudden she’s shoddy too, what are you doing why are you doing that. I figured I’d fuck you. Fuck. It’s too hot. Oh, I gotta build you an igloo and once you get them in bed, you gotta hear shit like, oh why do you have to make love from me behind, don’t you like to look at my face when you make love with me. I don’t know your face, your ass, what’s the difference? I can stick my dick in either one, just get it done. They don’t’ appreciating anything. All the times ya banged her, she ever said thank you. No. what’s coming to me. I don’t know about you but I try to give them a show. I pull their hair. Wrap in the head a few times, kick their ass. Say all the little things they want to hear, like fufk pig. Howl skank I mean turno n words, I mean when you really think, when you got her legs pinned by her earlobes like bugs bunny, that she wants to hear I love you you figure the rest out. 


But that’s why masturbation is so beautiful. Man, I’m spanking it since I’ve been five. I didn’t even know why I was doing it, just knew it needed to get done. Then I when I hit 13 and a little goo came out, I thought I broke the fucking thing. Man, I screwed everything in the house when I was a kid. Socks, gloves, my mother has a mink coat that doesn’t need a  hanger anymore. I remember my mother going, we’re having liver tonight, thinking yeah I had it last night ma. Oh, it was good. Jello wasn’t bad either. And don’t think they don’t do it, they don’t use fancy fingers, we’re talking machinery, black and decker, they come home from the neighborhood store, they got one of these, “Oh it’s only a massager” oh really? I never saw a massager that could blow a hole through a steel wall. And they come in speeds, slow medium and blow my brains out. And then men wonder, while women are with the 3-inch killer why huhu you got to be kidding. You got to look at this thing I can drop () on this. Now put that away before you get hurt. 


I don’t even go with the good looking ones no more. Too much disease out there, ya know what I’m saying? When I look for a girl I look for something a little more unique, I go into a bar, the aisle pops. Man, she gets. Old enough to fucking David. Maybe three-four hundred and fifty pounds. Type of chick that looks like she doesn’t even have any legs. Celluloid dripping off the ears. Three chins in the back of her head. ANd I”m standing there saying to myself, nobody eleven thought of fucking that. Nobody’s even talked to it. I’m gonna make her mine. So I go over and I start charming her. Is ay shit like, hey how are you doing honey? And guess what. I got fudge. Hershey chocolate kisses. We’re talking Haggin dass babe. So by now, she’s drooling. What do I do, now I wheel her back to my apartment. I got to butter her hips just to get her through the fucking door. This chick used to come to me every three weeks. I just dropped thirty pounds, yeah from your belly to your ass honey. I mean anyone could bang a good looking chick, you ever bang a big fat pig, it’s like taking a ride. There’s nothing like hogging, you guys know that. AH man, number one you get behind them you have to strap yourself in, because they. And then you grab on to a set of tit, and you don’t know where the tits begin the belt ends. It’s like one big lop of shit ya know. And she starts swinging from side to side, the celluloid is flapping off the fucking walls, you’re dodging for your life ya know. And you just jam it in, but you don’t even give a shit where it goes, you’re just jamming it in. You know you’re that fat when you’re doing 69 and you can’t even hear the radio. I’ll tell ya. I gotta a snorkel hanging out of this chick’s ass, and with the positions today you got to bend em, fold em, strength em, you gotta be fucking Gumbi to make love. And women, they got contraception, they got everything. You can fuck me, and take a shave at the same time. I’m like honey you mind if I use a little I”m gonna moose today. Everything they got in there, you, coils, slinky, tar batteries, I don’t know whether to fuck her or change the oil. 

No Guilt

You see that’s why I stick to the one night stand, does anyone here have a one night stand beside everyone in the room? Here’s my impression of a one night stand, ugh! Get out. It hurts when a woman does that to me, I’m a guy like that. There are just no morals. Like I picked up this chick the other week.Get her back to my place, five minutes she screams, fuck me silly. Put on a clown suit, I mean what would you do. I felt retarded. I met a chick last night, she said give me 12 inches and hurt me. I fucked her twice and hit her in the head with a brick. Oh, women get pissed off about the one night stand, you’ll hear them say, why is it that a guy can go out a duck a hundred chicks but if a girl does it she’s a whore, right. There’s a reason for it, guys have no guilt, oh women try, they come out of the house with the fuck-me pumps, nylon stockings makeup. They come out of the house oh yeah, someone is going to treat me like the pig that I am. Buy the minute it’s all over they get guilty about it you know, it’s like these chicks you meant in a bar, by 9 pm you’re doing shit to them that you wouldn’t do to a farm animal. Come morning, they’re like, well you know, I only needed… well you go the bonus plan, and then they’re like, call me. Yeah, I’ll call you, whore trash bumkin, get the fuck out of there. I’m starting to feel like I used to, I’m going to confirm honey, my wife is going to be home any minute now, don’t call here anymore. Don’t think I’m putting women down, I dig ’em. What? (Audience) I can’t. You know how I am. It’s like this chick is sucking my dick, and she’s like don’t come on my face I go, honey, I don’t want to fuck up your hair, we’re in a nice restaurant. 

Richard Pyror – That Nigger’s Crazy Transcribed

Richard Pyror – That Nigger’s Crazy

I hope I’m funny
Lets get your hands together and give him a big San Francisco applause. Mr. Richard Pyror. C’mon give it up.

Thank you, good evening, hope I’m funny. Yeah, cause I’m ready to kick ass. Hello. Wow. this very exciting, glad you all came. Glad you all are coming to the show. What! Don’t start no shit now. He just started fighting shit. Niggers never know how to get into buildings, they know how to get out. They do, white folks, panic run out the door and fall all over each other. Niggers get outside, I left my money int he motherfucker. Why am I walking, I’m running to keep out y’alls way. I am over this shit making my mind work, feets, feet. You know tight shoes make a nigger say anything. You ever been like, you have tight shoes on, tight shoes on a mothefucker. They dont’ need to be on no nigger up in jail to make him confess. Give him a size too small, bout an hour that nigger will be like “i tell em” I used to be so poor I walked don’t he street. You ever do that looking at the money and pretending you ain’t. I used to lose money, so I closed it once. My mother gave me money to go pay a bill, I lost ten dollars. I know, cause my mom is gonna kick my ass. You know what I mean by ten dollars. I lost it and some dude saw me crying in the corner. What are you doing boy. I told him my story. Kept getting ten dollars. Shucks, I was out there every day crying my ass. How you are doing. Did you want a drink, uh waitress. See the waitress, but you guys have a funny order. Hey, give me a cardi and an orange and a coke on the side what you want? Bring my old lady a champagne cocktail with a cherry twist. Peace of lemon, bitch I wasnt’ through. Peace of lemon, and some turtle soup.

Nigger with a seizure
Drinking, Drinking cool. Some dudes drink and then they want to fight. Some dudes drink and then they have a seizure. You know everybody know one nigger that drink everyweek and get his ass whooped. He never wins a fight, but he always want to fight, you know nice guy during the week. “Hi, Hi, how are you?” Weekend, motherfucker, get out of my face. You go to the bar, cat be in the bar be fucked up. Leave me alone nigger, shit, show you how to fuck with me nigger, kiss me some money, mack, Say man, bartender, give me my whiskey! What! I’m drunk nigger. Fuck you mean I’m drunk motehrfucker. You crazy. Shit you didn’t say that an hour ago. You were selling me that shit. Baby, i’m buying everybody in here, something. Give me a beer, get everybody one motherfucking beer. Sing that song you bitch. That motherfucker sing her ass off. Whew. Shit. Whatcha you looking at, ugly motherfucker. Ain’t nobody fucking with you. I didn’t say nothing to you, no I don’t knwo what time it is, it’s time with you to stop fucking with me. You dig that friend. What waht is it nigger. I don’t care if that’s your mom. No nigger you don’t hit me baby, no mothercuker baby you in trouble now. Don’t nobody kick me in the ass. Blew. Blew. Oh god, pelase. Oh lord don’t let me be sick. Frankie get me home please. Oh man don’t drive so fast. Put down the window, oh please put it up it’s too cold. Oh lord, oh lord, I’ll quit I’ll quit. Everything’s going jippii zippity. Frankie, thank you partner. Mothercuekr kicked me in the ass. I’ll kill that motherfucker. Make up your mind god please. I ain’t got nothing left to throw up on but my nuts. Ha ha. Aww shit. Hey baby, open this door bitch. Open this motherfuking door bitch. Hey, hey. Good morning to you. What’s wrong with you bitch, what you screaming on me for. I been out in the street, trying to protect your honor, shit I damn near had to kill a nigger about you. If they didn’t pull me off of his ass. I know my breath stick bitch. Ai n’t nothing but some vomit. You’re a fine motherfucker baby. Come here, come here, move your hand. Let me play with your titty. Whew. hah. I’m gonna fuck you tonight. Believe that shit. Snore.

Have your ass home by 11:00
Some fucking is good for ya, getting some pussy beats having a war. I ain’t lying. Coming is a lot of fun. Cause I never got no pussy when I was a legal teenager. Not much aw wanna fuck you can’t even sign. Had to sing or something to get some pussy. Like girls used to horrible shit to a nigger, cause they weren’t giving up no pussy. Very seldom you go to any parts of the pussy, you be tongue kissing and shit, dick gets hard at times 29. Right, nuts go all up in your stomach. Ohh, you gotta give me somehow. I’m not giving anything, I’m on my period You on your period again, you gonna bleed to death bitch. Try not to get home by eleven because then we went . Say, where are you going Richard. Say huh? Nigger you aint’ ask no body to go no place .What you a man now nigger? I don’t give a fuck where you gonna be be home by 11, you understand 11 now nigger? You can tell time? The clock say nigger, what the clock say? 11 clock brings your ass here. I don’t mean down the street singing with those nigger, I ain’t getting your ass out jail no more nigger. Right, bring me back a paper. Right. Then you go out, nothing starts happening till 11:30, what you are waiting on, 11:30. You’re gonna get some bitches at 11:30, I have to get home with my blue nuts. Nigger I thought I told you to be home by 11. I don’t wanna hear that shit. I’m kicking your ass. Can I jack off first?

Black and white life styles
My uncles, my family only fucking one of us. Up and down. Now I go boy don’t you ever catch no pussy. I mean that. Wherever you do in life, don’t kiss no pussy. I couldn’t wait to kiss no pussy. He’d been wrong about everything else. Woman had to beat me off, it’s enough it’s enough, two days. And dudes, huh? Crazy! Yeah. You ever be with a woman that you wanted to be with for a long time, and you get with her and you come in about four sections and you are panicked, try to act cool, lord, don’t let it know,just let stay heavy at my hard. You’re no moving as much as you were. I’m just resting a little. Want you to enjoy this. White folks do things a lot different than niggers do, they do things a lot quieter, “Pass the potatoes, thank yo darling, could i have a bit of that sauce how are the kids coming long with their studies, think we’re being having sexual intercourse this evening, we’re not, well what the heck,” Black families be different have more rhtyhe, my father when he ate it was fun cause he had more “Hey bitch,w erhe the food, god damn, you motherfucker, shit, shit, my ass! Gotta get that meat downt hat bone bmotherucker,” and I got an anti cause a fucker’s neck bone is a work of art. She can fuck with a neck bone, she be all in get that white shit out, throw it to the dog the dog look at her like what am i supposed to do with that mothercuking thing. Different life styles, see white folks dont’ play enough, they dont’ know how to relax, you tell a white dude, go fuck yourself, I fuck you motherfuker, then he gets very offended. I beg your pardon. I mean that supervisor here, I don’t believe that kind of language is necessary. I mean certainly we can communicate on a higher plane than that. Don’t say nothing about their mama, my mom? She was a great ol’ gal. White folks fuck quite. I saw y’all in the movies, you don’t make any noise. You go oi do do. You don’t make any noise. Nigger make noise, oh you motherfucker god damnit. Don’t’ that do now. A Lot of you people look at me, but I see a lot of you in evidence. The older member, omm mm mm. You ought to be shaming yourself boy. That’s the way my grandmother treats me.

Did y’all see the exorcist, it’s a story about the devil– gets into this 12 year old girl. Devil is a low motherfucker. See ehere couldn’t have been no movie if there had been niggers in it. The movie would have been about seven minutes long. Soon as the devil spoke, “hello” goodbye. See a nigger would have handled that movie differently. A nigger would have been like “What in the fuck is that funky smell? And all that racket up stairs, is the girl crazy? Smells like shit in here, some definitely shit at that” you walk in the room “bitch what’s wrong with you girl, get up out the bed and wash your ass. Stink up the whole motherfucking house, and get the cross out ya pussy” Get downstairs and straiging up the front room, we have company. See I get a black preacher to pray the exorcist away, cause they are tight with god. You know god, there’s a person here, that’s possessed. And we wondering, we know your busy, checked your scheduled, and if you don’t mind, the devil just acting a mother fucking fool, could you exercise this motherfucker to Cleveland some place?

Wino dealing with Dracula
Winos deals with it though. Winos never gets afraid of nothing, cept running out of wine. That’s the only thing that panicked the wino, wino could deal with Dracula. “Hey man, you nigger with the cape! What are you doing peeking in those people’s windows? What is your name, boy? Dracula! What kind of name is that for a nigger? Where are you from? Transylvania. I know where it nigger. You ain’t the smartest motherfucker in the world, even though you are the ugliest. Oh yea you ugly motherfucker. Why don’t you get your teeth fixed? That shit hanging all out your mouth, Why don’t you get you an orthodontist, that’s a dentist you know haha. It’s 1975, get your shit together, what wrong with your nature. Get that dirt all on the back of your neck, you’re a filthy little motherfucker too. You got to be home before the sun came up, you ain’t a lying motherfucker. See your ass on the day you ought to be arrested. You wanna suck what? Suck some, nigger you crazy, you some kind of freak flyer, you ain’t sucking nothing here, nigger. Suck your ass on away from here, is what you better do. Wanna suck some blood go down to the blood bank, hope you get sickle cell”

Flying Saucers
Lotta niggers ain’t scared. Loke when the martians landed, white folks got scared. God I tell you, just a big old helicopter thing people got on it, and their odies big old claw hands and shit, jesus christ. Nothing can scare a nigger, after 400 years of this shit, I mean right that emartian ain’t got a chance, a nigger warn a martian, better get you ass away from ron here. You don’t land on Mr. Gilmore’s property. If he land in new york, a nigger take his shit from him. Give up, you got to give up your plans, cause I’m a macaroni, you know what I mean, he is a cruiser, he is cruising. Aw yeah, it’s sweat, how much is petro oil, 82 million a gallon fuck this machine.

The Back Down
All well would fight the police he’s one of those crazy shoot me niggers. Well kill me! Shoot me motherfucker. Bam. Oh god damn. Somebody call me a cab, I ain’t’ gonna bleed to death waiting on no ambulance. Ain’t no way to get an ambulance in the ghetto, unless you call up, there’s five niggers killing a white woman. Where? Police man fuck with all that shit. Hey Mr. Arson, you know who your fucking with?I’m aware, six foot five, four hundred twenty pounds of mean. While you hit me with that stick I’m gonna bite your dick. Leave some blood,s hit. Shit, I aint’ bullshitting. I got some fight niggers. Fight then argue. What. Some dudes would talk to you why they kick you ass, why you fuck with me man, shit. Come out and get this nigger of of me. I– I didn’t know the nigger was blind. You get you a dog or something nigger, steppig on people feet and shit nigger. I used to try and fight and shit, I know how to back down. I had a lot of practice in Peoria. I was in every gang, they had about five. Whichever one was winning. That’s my side. I wasn’t fighting shit. Nigger made me unball my fist once to show you how scared I was. I had my fist up ready, motherfucker put your hand down. No heart for the fighting, believe me. Cause mothefucker made you back down so embarrassing, once was enough for me. Cause I was gonna be bad for about four weeks, hanging with my friend matt. Matt was bad, knocking motherfuckers out. Bing bing, go on now, he was killer, hendry hanson, would knock a motherfucker through a brick wall. Matt backed off. Then I stood there all alone> man, what you got to do with a little nigger. I ain’t doing anything, gonna play some basketball, gonna go now. Men And women fight a lot. White men and white women seldom ever have fist fights, intelligence hurting each other. White women say funny shit to a man, your dick is short and you can’t even screw. White dude, we’ll discuss it tomorrow. You say that shit to a nigger you got a fight. I remember my mother caught me fighting once, not my mother james. Get that shit out of here. Nigger, what that, that right! It’s my mama, it’s my woman motherfucker.

Black Man/ White woman
Don’t ever marry a white woman in California. A lot of you sister, don’t marry a white woman anyway nigger. Why should you be happy? Sisters look at you like you killed your mama when you’re out with a white woman. You can’t laugh that shit of either. She’s not with me. My wife went to court, she looked like she was 12 year olds. Your honor everything happened. Nigga we want everything. Do you have any dreams we want them too?

Niggers vs. The police
Cops put a hurting on your ass you know, they really do. White folks don’t believe, don’t believe they degrade you. Those people were resisting arrest. I’m tired of this harassment of police officers, because the police live in your neighborhood see, and you know them as office timson, hello office timeson, you going bowling tonight? Yes nice pinto you have. Ha ha. Niggers don’t know them like that. Niggers get a ticket it be like, Hey office yes, nice ot be of help hey. Nigger got to be like “ I AM REACHING INTO MY POCKET FOR MY LICENSE” CAUSE I DON”T WANT OT BE NO MOTHERFUCKING ACCIDENT” Police degrading, I don’t know, it’s often you wonder why a nigger don’t go completely mad. Now you do, you get your shit together, you work all week, then you get dressed make 125 dollars, we get 80 dollars and if we lucky we praying he go while get clean driving with his girl to to the club, the police come over “get out of the car there’s been a robbery nigger looked just like you! Put your hands up, take your pants off spread your cheeks, now what nigger feel liek having fun after that. No lets just go home baby. Go home beat your kids and shit. Take that shit out on somebody.

Wino and Junkie
Winos don’t get drunk like everybody else though, right. Wino be directing traffic on sunday morning. I didn’t want to go to church so I’d hang with em. Wino be standing there “Hey fool you gonna slow that car down! Don’t they come driving down here like you crazy. This is a neighborhood this ain’t a residential district.” (singing) Yeah Nigger I know jesus, I remember when he got kilt. It was a Friday, down at the Ray Romano depo. I tried to warn a nigger. I say, boy don’t you go down there fucking with those jesus without no money. Hey ice cream boy, you wanna turn that goddamn noise. Don’t nobody wanna hear that shit this time of morning. Well then jump on out there you barely got some for you eye, I’m a veteran boy, world war one, the battle of the Chateau gastron. I got mustard gas all over my body. Who’s that boy? Whose that nigger, look at them, in the middle of the street, laying there. Nigger used to be a genius. I ain’t lyin book to numbers, didn’t need a book or pencil. Now the nigger can’t remember who is he is. Say nigger get your ass out the street boy. Move out the way boy. Ah. What’s happening. What’s happening. Shit I know something happened. Cause everything is moving. Hey! C’mon old motherfucker. Dust your ass off. Hey paps, you got anything on due. Yeah nigger I got something for your eye, got some sdice. Better lay off that necrotic nigger that stuff made you null and void. I ain’t lying, what’s wrong with you, straighten up and get a job. Get a job! Motherfuker you talking to the king baby. Shit. I went five years in a row when I was in the giant. Pressing those mothefucking license plates. I have a license plate pressing mothefucker too. Where a nigger gonna get a job out here pressing license plates. Pop, listen to me. Don’t hit me no more boy, I’ll dust your ass home. Shame to see you like. Shame to see me? Niggers fucking with me. Was I finished? I went to the unemployment bureau. Bitch sitting behind the desk, say you have a criminal record, I know that bitch, I’m a criminal, just tell me where I’m gonna get a job. I see better faces on iodine bottles. Bitch made me mad. I vomit and shit on the floor. I did man, I made that nigger with the pencil clean it up. I said fuck you nigger I ain’t cleaning that shit up. You say if you don’t clean it up then I’ll shoot your ass. I say well who gonna clean up the blood nigger. Haha. Then I said, I was cleaning. Nigger you wouldn’t know a fine woman if you tripped over ya. This bitch was fine. Bitch was so fine I wanted to suck her daddy’s dick. Is that fine enough for your ass. Man. I went home, my dear called me a dog. You dig that. My father said he didn’t want to see me in the vicinity, just because I stole his television.That’s the politics baby. I’m sick pa, can you help, my mind singing about shit I don’t want to think about. I can’t stop that mothefucker. Tell me some of those old lies that made me think about the truth. Can ya help. Yeah Imma help ya boy. Cause I believe ya go potential. You don’t know how to deal with the white man that’s your problem. I know how to deal with him, that’s right that’s why I’m in the position I’m in today. Thank you very much, goodnight.