Jeff Foxworthy – Greatest Bits

Jeff Foxworthy – Greatest Bits

It’s okay that I’m this way

Sophisticated people go to art auctions, rednecks we have yard sales. Sophisticated people go to restaurants that require reservations, rednecks go to restaurants that require us to pull around to the second window please.  Hey and listen can you supersize them fries for the little women, it’s our anniversary. 

I don’t go to fancy restaurants, I don’t understand you rt, I got all the world that I will ever need all in my backyard, you might not like the way I think, but it’s okay that I’m this way. It’s okay that I’m this way. 

You know what kind of stuff rednecks like to buy, shiny stuff! We are attracted to shiny objects, ufo, beer cans, fishing lure, if it’s shiny we like. And if you think about it most of the people who see UFOs are using fishing lures and holding beer cans, so actually there’s a connection. That’s why bass lures have a glitter finish. Have you ever seen a yacht with a glitter finish? 

I don’t wish i had what you got, ain’t never had nothing handed to me. I work hard for what I have. It’s okay that I’m this way, it’s okay that I’m this way. 

Sophisticated people invest their money in stock profiles rednecks invest out money in commentative plates. Yeah that’s the legends of the nascar series right there. This is probably our personal favorite Richard Peck hugging his mom. I can’t hardly look at it. Of course that’s Dale Earhart. He wasn’t in a wreck or anything. I just threw some ketchup on his forehead. 

We got a simple way about us, some will never understand. Life is not about all your money, but I’m a moving man. It doesn’t matter what you might say, it’s okay that I ‘m this way. It’s okay that I’m this way. 

Sophisticated people have retirement plans, rednecks play the lottery. See rednecks think mutual funds mean everyone is having fun. Sophisticated play chess, rednecks can amuse ourselves for hours with a sheet of bubble wrap. Pop Pop Pop Pop. oh for god’s sake joe, let the kids play with it for a while, you’re gonna be late for work.  

You can’t give rednecks money

You know what kind of stuff rednecks like to buy, shiny stuff! We are attracted to shiny objects ufo, beer cans, fishing lure, if it’s shiny we like. And if you think about it most of the people who see UFOs are using fishing lures and holding beer cans, so actually there’s a connection. 

Sophisticated people vs Rednecks Commemorative plates bit

Sophisticated people invest their money in stock profiles rednecks invest out money in commentative plates. Yeah that’s the legends of the nascar series right there. This is probably our personal favorite Richard Peck hugging his mom. I can’t hardly look at it. Of course that’s Dale Earhart. He wasn’t in a wreck or anything. I just threw some ketchup on his forehead. 

Sophisticated people vs Rednecks Rednecks play the lottery

Sophisticated people have retirement plans, rednecks play the lottery. That’s our plan. And when we hit the big six, we’re gonna add a room on the trailer so we don’t have to sleep with Jim’s daddy’s no more.  

Sophisticated people vs Rednecks  bubble wrap

Sophisticated play chess, rednecks can amuse ourselves for hours with a sheet of bubble wrap. Pop Pop Pop Pop. oh for god’s sake joe, let the kids play with it for a while, you’re gonna be late for work. 

Sophisticated people vs Rednecks Supersize them fries

Sophisticated people go to restaurants that require reservations, rednecks go to restaurants that require us to pull around to the second window please. Hey and listen can you supersize them fries for the little women, it’s our anniversary. 

You might be a redneck if…

If you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income, you might be a redneck. If the UFO hotline limits you to one call person day you might be a redneck. If directions to your house include turning off the paved road, you might be a redneck. If you prefer to walk the excess length rather than hemm them, you might be a redneck. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight you might be a redneck. If you smoked during your wedding you might be a redneck. If people asked to hunt in your front yard, you might be a redneck. If your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board you might be redneck. If your two year old has more teeth than you do, you might be a redneck. If you check feature pictures of dogs fighting you might be a redneck. If you have an above ground pool and you fish in it, you might be a redneck. And probably the grossest one of all times, if your mother has ever come out of the bathroom and said, y’all come look at this. If you’ve been on television more than five times describing what the tornado sounded like you might be a redneck. If you’ve ever cut your grass and found a car. If your dad walks you to school because you’re in the same grade, you might be a redneck. If you’ve ever been too drunk to fish, you might be a redneck. If someone has to see your id and you show me your belt buckle you might be a redneck. If you’ve ever had to haul a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister’s honor you might be a redneck. If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain you might be a redneck. If everyday someone comes to your day mistakenly thinking you’re having a yard sale you might be a redneck. If you’ve ever fancied a tattoo you might be a redneck. Three more payments and this son of a gun is mine. You might be a redneck. If you’ve ever made a change in the offering plate. Guilty, you got em. If you go to the family reunion to meet women you might be a redneck. I think we offended someone out here. That ain’t funny is it sis. And last but not least, if you see a sign that says say no to crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up, you might just be a redneck. 

Redneck stomp

(This is a musical reinterpretation of the last set of jokes) 

Single life is just too hard first single’s apartment

The first single’s apartment we had was the closest we got to ever being homeless. You’d be driving somewhere. And you see where someone had thrown an old sofa out on the curb and you’re like hey, if that guy is there after dark, It’d find itself in my living room. If I find a brick and piece a wood I go to an entertainment center. Put em’ right next to my orange road cone I found. Think back and remember your very first apartment they all had shag carpet. Beautiful green and orange mix. Tramp down so hard you couldn’t even rake it b ack up, and our place was so nasy we found a rabbit every single time. They were all furnished exactly the same way, in the bedroom you had the mattress on the floor protected by a mountain of dirty clothes, milk crates for nightstand, lava lamp with a blob permanently stuck at the bottom, stolen road signs on the wall. A blanket for curtana out in the hall it was the mystery of the carpet. Budweiser mirror on the wall. Out on the balcony it was the rusty out hibachi grill out on the yard was the plant with no leaves on it. Bike with no chain on it. IN the den you had the spool. You get one of those, it’s coffee table time. Next to the 9000 dollar stereo, we’re going hungry but we got tunes, you could tune it on at midnight and make the people down the street wet the bed. 

Single life is just too hard the security deposit

Only good thing about your first apartment is you never had to clean it up, well until the day you moved and tried to get the security deposit back. Arguing with the landlord, no sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here. The pizzas were always on the ceiling. 

Single life is just too hard the morning after

Those were the parties, no one went home they just slept where they fell. Getting up the next day looks like Jones town the morning after. They’re trying to wake up people you’ve never met before, hey man with no pants and a fireman’s helmet, wake up I gotta go to work. Alright, lock the door when you leave. Just found a new sofa. I don’t want anything to happen to it. 

Single life is just too hard she has a boyfriend

The hardest part about being single has gotta be the dating stuff. Any guys in the room ever go out with a girl who forgets to tell you she has a boyfriend. That is information you need! That happened to me, i went out with this girl one time, we went out to dinner and after we went out we went back to my apartment, now we were at my police for about half an hour, and then there’s a knock at my door. I go to my door and there’s a 250 pound man going what in the hell do you think you’re doing with her? I looked him right in the eyes and I said, I’m cutting her damn hair and you’re just going to have to wait. 

I don’t want to be single again

I like the permanency of marriage, never did like breaking up. I guess everyone here has heard the break up lines. I was looking through em, picking out my favorites, like I needed some space. Which is half a sentence, the rest of it is, without you in it. I think about my all time favorite, I think we should start seeing other people. Trust me no one has ever said that to you without shaving someone else specific in mind. Guys if someone says that to you trust me, she has already cut a pony from the herd and if she’s not riding him yet he has pulled the saddle of the barn. 

Party all night

(A musical version of the last few jokes) 

The rules of marriage

But if women understand us it’s because they study us. You ever see women’s magazines and the articles in them, it’s always things like, How to get a good man, how to get rid of a bad man, how to turn a bad man into a good man. You ever look at a men’s magazine, it’s nothing but pictures of naked women, that’s what we’re after right there, somebody get me a beer. 

Every single hair on her body cinkin season

Before we went on vacation last year my wife said to me, I have got to go get ready for bikini season which to me means buying new sunglasses. Well see in thirteen years you can move your eyes just don’t move your head, wives can hear those neck muscles moving. 

The rules of marriage, you will get remarried

If I died would you ever get remarried? You ever had that dream that you’re taking a text you haven’t studied for. She said, if I die I want you to promise me that you will get re-married, you’re teasing right? No for the sake of the children promise me that you will get remarried. You’re teasing right? No, for the sake of the children. Well for the sake of the children you don’t think they’d mind having a young step mom with some big ol’ hooters do you? Honey where are you going? I’m better true false, I’m good at those. 

Totally committed

(musical reinterpretation of his marriage bits)

Clampetts go to maui

I’ll give you an idea of what kind of family mine is, this is a true story, nine months ago I cashed in all my frequent flyers miles, took my family to Hawaii, everyone in my family, 13 people, thinking that would be a vacation of a lifetime, it ended up being the Clampetts go to Maui. You go anywhere there is an empty Kmart everywhere. They showed up at the airport there was cooler and grocery bags for luggage. This guy was like, which one is yours the samseinte, no we got the igloo with the duck tape on it. And the five Piggly wiggly bags right there. The ticket counter I asked my mother if she wanted to sit next to the window. She was like better not just have my hair fixed. The movie on the plane they were showing was Homeward bound, the incredible journey of a dog. Five minutes into the movie my brother turns around You know that ain’t the dog’s real voice. My sister got mad, well thanks for spoiling it for everyone. And we were staying right on the beach, in fact the whales were married. You could stand on the beach and watch the whale. My brother’s first day was like, man I wish I had a gun with a scope on it. How much does it cost to mount a whale? Anybody know? I’d have to get a bigger trailer I tell you that. And you could tell which rooms were ours, ours were the ones with the underwear hanging off the rail. According to the manager the only peeing for distance competition they had ever had. I am amhested to say my aunt rose and won in the second round. We are a classy bunch. Momma kept asking when we were gonna convert our money to Hawaiians. Then we went to a luau. You know how they always ask people if they want to volunteer to dance. Oh doge colvuneterin, halfway through the dance we realize Doug isn’t wearing any underwear under the skirt. When we asked him about it later, he said well when I went to put on the skirt, I noticed I had a hole in my drawers and didn’t want to embarrass myself. Dang Doug you thought this out. And there my family I love em they’re good people, they just don’t get out much mainly because of that no shirt no shoes rule. They love that hotel though, god they stole everything. They stole the ashtrays while we were checking in. Didn’t even dump the sand out of them, just picked them up and walked out. Stole everything, i mean you get out of the shower and have to dry off with toilet paper because they have the towels in the piggly wiggly bag. And one day one of the maids made the mistake of going to lunch and leaving her kart out in the walls. They were on thea like a pack of dogs on a three legged cat. I asked my brother later on, what are you gonna do with a hundred and eighty shower caps, he said, Christmas presents. 

Howdy for maui

This is a musical version of the last one. 

Words in the south, I’m georgia

I’m from Georgia originally but I live in California now, and people out there always make fun of how I talk, and I always tell em, you’re gonna be real surprised when you get to heaven and saint peter’s gonna say, Y’all get in the truck we’re going up to the big house. 

Words in the South, words in the south

We have words in the south you don’t have in other parts of the country. We have words like Y’ough to we gonna tomorrow y’outo, what letter does that start with. I like this word a lot. Aight. Aight, that’s a word in Texas around lunchtime you hear someone say. Yalleatyet, nah, y’oughto, yeah, aight.

Words in the south my favorite souther word 

Probably my favorite southern word of all time, my dad will use this word, like if dogs are on his porch. He’ll run out to the lawn and holler, get out of here. We have no idea how you spell it. And if that doesn’t work this will. Eeeigh. 

Nasa and alabama and fishing shows

We’re going everywhere on this tour, not just big cities, we were in Huntsville Alabama. Couple of months ago, you know wyvern growing up in the south I never realized the NASA space camp was in Huntsville Alabama, cause that’s just two words that don’t seem like they belong together. Cause they might be training them there, but they’re not letting people from Alabama fly this thing. Hey, Houston! It’s dark as crap up here, wait a minute I did it wrong, break one nine, wait we got problems, we broke out of the capsule trying to hit a brake light with a beer bottle. And we need to know how to unclog the toilet. We ate all the freeze dry chili and we tore up something bad. And you know the south is as smart as anyone in this country, our problem is we just can’t keep the more ignorant amongst us off the television. That’s the truth. I mean every time we have a disaster they never film  doctor or a lawyer, they always get that women in the momo and the sponge roller, “it was pangomedia I thought we would be killed or even worse. I looked out my window just in time to see the Jenkin’s house go right over our roof. All I could think was Carolynn still has my casserole dish” 

Southern accent

It’s great to be in Jackson, Mississippi. See I don’t even have to acute tonight. See in a lot of parts of the country, a lot of people immediately want to deduct 100 IQ points, because apparently the southern accent isn’t the worlds’ most intelligent sounding accent. And you know to be honest, none of us would want to hear our brain surgeon go, “aight, now what we’re gonna do is, saw off the top ya head, root around there with a stick and see if we can’t find that dangon clot” You’d be like no thanks, I’d rather dang on just die. See that is why southern financial advisors have such a hard time, no one wants to give their money to someone who talks this way. See what you gotta do is diversify your money. See what we’ll do is take half your money, put it in a big mayonnaise jar, bury it in the backyard, and the other half we’ll go down to the dog track and bet on the one who does his business right before the race starts. And you know we’re not stupid in the south. I mean we have words in the south they don’t have in other parts of the country. My brother would use this one, “used to” can you dance, well I could. Give me a minute. I might again. I tell you a good southern word. INthere. My uncle says that after using the bathroom on thanksgiving. I wouldn’t go intha if I was y’all. And I know you’ve heard this one, when you haven’t seen them in a long time, how’syamom and them?  Tolerable. My granny would use the word y’umans. My current favorite southern word is centurions, told my old lady, centyshe up get me a beer. 

Redneck games

Greeting y’all and welcoming all you dang foreigners to your mother nation. Deer lords are without guests and prepare them for the fine women they are about to receive. The Olympics are Georgie god you know we’re gonna scr3ew hat up. Guarantee you that when let those doves go there are gonna be guys in the parking lot with shotguns. And we will not have a plane that big without a pig on it. Some fat guy is going to dang good barbut up those stairs there, they aint’ got no handrail be careful. Hell the Olympics rings will be five old tires nailed together, that’s my fear that they’ll get the rest of events they won’t have any idea what this stuff is supposed to be. Like for fencing they’ll be giving people bailing wire and sheet metal, they’ll probably have to cancel water polo after the third horse drowns, instead of discus throwing they’ll be filing ford hubcaps. And you know they haven’t even thought about it cause it’s the same river they filmed deliverance at, that ought to add a whole degree of difficulty shouldn’t it? Cause if need beatty couldn’t make it down that thing, a French man in a pair of bicycle pants ain’t got a chance. Hey ed, I got a white one. 

Redneck 12 days of christmas

When somebody has been to the Walmart. You cleaned up what did you get done? Five flannel shirts. Four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two hunting shells and some parts to a mustang gt. Big for, you got jipped there 12 days of Christmas, hey, look in the corner i got it covered. 12 packs of bud light. 11 wrestling tickets, 10 Copenhagen, 9 years prohibition, 8 table dancers, 7 redman, 6 cans of spam, Five flannel shirts. Four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two hunting shells and some parts to a mustang gt. Man this ain’t normal Christmas presents, what does a redneck get, like when you get your wife earring that double as fishing lures. Or if burp the entire course of jingle bells, perhaps if you think the nutcracker is something you did off the high dive, or if you misspelled anything in Christmas lights. O if you leave cold beer and pickles for Santa clause, what’s wrong with that, i didn’t say anything is wrong with it. Hard to beat 12 days of Christmas, hey, look in the corner i got it covered. 12 packs of bud light. 11 wrestling tickets, 10 Copenhagen, 9 years prohibition, 8 table dancers, 7 redman, 6 cans of spam, five flannel shirts. Four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two hunting shells and some parts to a mustang gt will you know you can’t really consider it a Christmas if you don’t go down to county and visit your mama. Get the car keys out of your ear, that where the 9 years probability comes in, imma do it for you again. 12 days of Christmas, hey, look in the corner I got it covered. 12 packs of bud light. 11 wrestling tickets, 10 Copenhagen, 9 years prohibition, 8 table dancers, 7 Redman, 6 cans of spam, five flannel shirts. Four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two hunting shells and some parts to a mustang gt. Are you crying, no it’s just my allergies, Happy holidays everybody.

Andrew Dice Clay Dice Transcribed

Andrew Dice Clay – Dice

What If The Chick Gets Pregnant….

Ahhh, let’s say your fucking. Let’s say your fucking, I don’t know, your fucking dog style, right? Let’s say your fucking dog style and the chick gets pregnant. I mean, ah, would the kid pop out backward. I don’t know. I saw some chick walking around with a big hump on her back, say you were fucking dog style huh. 

Mother Goose

Little Miss Muffle sat on a tuff, eating a Kurds and Wayne, along came Miss Spider and sat down beside her. Said hey, what’s in the bowl bitch. Oh. Jack and Jill went up the hill Both with a buck and quarter, Jill came down with two-fifty. Ah, fucking whore. Little boy blue, he needed the money. Was an old lady who lived in a shoe, had so many kids, her uterus fell out. Jack be nimble jack be quick, jack burnt off his fucking dick. Oh, mother, Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her old dog a bone, she bent over, () took over oh. She got a bottle of her own. Mary Mary quite contrary trim that pussy it’s so damn hairy, oh. Alright, I see you’ve been doing your homework. But you see, that’s where I can’t go. I’m not happy with the old shit. Let’s do a few more. Peter, a pumpkin eater, had a wife who loved to beat her, smacked her twice across the head then went to bed. Little bow peep fucked a sheep she licked his ass so good tongued his balls not once but twice. Mary had a little lamb she kept in her backyard, when she took her panties off his wooly dick got hard. Hicky dicky dock, some chick was sucking my cock the clock struck two I dumped my goo I dumped the bitch on the next block end of the story. Good old mother goose, I fucked her. Didn’t have any fucking choice. Two ticks a hoe and a heartbeat that’s all it takes for me. I hate when you see a chick, oh she had a great personality, but does she suck a good dick. My friend Joey has a good personality too. But I don’t want him to blow me. 

A Day At The Beach

That’s why I don’t understand the whole faggot thing. To me, that’s common sense. I don’t see how a guy lies on a beach sees another guy’s hairy ass and says oh, I’ll eat that. I gotta have that. I ain’t leaving the beach till I see him. And they’re too sensitive they don’t know if they want to be called gays, homosexual, faires. I call them cocksuckers. I think it spells it out. What’s the big debate about it? Yeah, they want their rights, I’ll give them their rights, ten percent off vaseline now get the fuck back in the closet. It’s unbelievable. I can’t deal with it anymore. You have all kids now. Not just the regular, it’s these trans testicles now. You ever one of them that’s a nice Sunday surprise. Meet the girl of your dreams, wine and dine her, take her home, put your hand up her skirt, and hold a tree trunk. What do you say, hey for a chick you have some set of balls. And bisexual, let me explain something, there is no bisexual, no such thing. You either suck dick, or you do not suck dick. I mean, what are these guys. Do they get up in the morning and flip a coin? Heads I want, tails I want balls across the nose, oh. What a choice huh. I mean you never see a black guy being a guy. How do you give a guy heads from three blocks away and say I love you? Blacks are proud of their pensis, they hold onto it like someone is going to rip it off, you see me, coming down the street Yeah. You know a lot of people say to me, Moby, why are you always holding your dick? Well, it wouldn’t be gentlemen to leave it dragging it around behind me. And why you’re at why don’t you be a gentleman and snack the toilet. And plunge the kitchen sink, it can always use it. The blacks know what I’m talking about. They know, throw it up here let me just show em. 

Moby and The Japs

But I give him the credit he has the balls. Fuckin’ balls that’s all it takes in this world. Like, look at these jack acts. This madam butterfly, wap (?) using little motherfucker, I mean I go into a bank, the name of my bank is Hmmm Hm Hm, they’re taking over. Didn’t we drop two bombs on them years ago? What was in those bombs, fucking fertilizer? And they’re the worst drivers, I mean how do you drive with your eyes ¾ closed. You could blindfold these people with fucking dental floss, you don’t give them keys to a car. You don’t put your money in their fucking bank. You kick them out of the fucking country  

Doctors and Nurses

You don’t let shit like this happen. I try to stay cool. You know what I mean, I don’t know man, maybe it’s me. I just don’t get it. I’m having a hard time with people lately, I’m even seeing one of these psychopaths. I went in, I said, doc I’m having a hard time making friends you cocksucker. Can you give me some advice? So he sends me for a physical, right, let me tell you something, doctors know nothing about the body, it’s unbelievable. Number one I come walking in, the nurse comes over, gives me a cup of urine, you take cream and sugar with that honey? Maybe a donut on the side? So now she sends me into the doctor, he’s checking me out. I think everything’s alright. Just as I”m getting dressed the guy jammed a finger up my ass. This man goes to school for 35 years to learn about the body, you don’t jam your finger up someone’s ass. Aim and. Tickle it. Get me excited about the project. Then he starts juggling my keelsons like he’s looking for ripe tomatoes, so I’m going doc back off this ain’t no fuckign social call. So you know what this fucking nitwit tell me?

Smokin’ 

He says you need to cut down smoking, so I’m like okay, but did you have to stick your hand up my ass to find this out, number one I’m smoking 15 years, my lungs don’t bother me. Smoking doesn’t bother me. I’m telling ya I job five miles a day. And smoke. I smoke when I’m banging a chick. Sometimes they get a little pissed, the ashtray slips off their ass every now and then, so you give them a little sizzle, and then it’s honey. Move that fucking thing honey. You want me to call again. But wherever you go, people, I’m out with the pig a few weeks ago. She goes, you know you really shouldn’t smoke, it’s a dirty habit. So is wiping my ass but nobody is banning that. You go into a movie theatre the minute you sit down, big sign, no smoking. That’s when I get up. And there is always that one couple a few seats away. Oh, look at him, he’s smoking, oh yeah, and I”m jerking off too, wanna come a little closer, I’ll butter your fucking popcorn, all over the country stop cigetrrets, everywhere. Up in San Francisco the fag capital of California they pass a bill you can’t even smoke in the street, they put in jail. It offends people. But it’s okay if you want to butt slam your buddy. Yeah, slap them in the face with your dick a few times that’s not offensive. You can smoke a baloney foney but fucking a car body, what’s wrong with people? 

The Attitude

Nobody tells me what to do, not even me. Suppose to be nice to people, fuck you. Nice to be back in Philly. I like the attitude. You get into a car in Philly man, you better have an attitude, Cause the minute you pull up to a red light it’s got to stall. You know the guy next to you looks over. Did you get a fucking problem? What’s your fucking problem huh, I get out of this fucking car, stick a pipe up your ass. Those are the chicks. Cause out in the hall, that wouldn’t’ be I’m telling you. You cross a crowded street and cars won’t stop. They’re trying that here, ya know. Guy tries to stop the street, it’s like hey joey he’s trying to make it. He ain’t even halfway across the street I wanna see him fucking leg lift. There someone for the time in the street, everything is a fucking act. Excuse me, you know what fucking time it is, huh? You can’t afford a fucking watch, what do I look like big fucking bento you, go fuck yourself. Your mother’s a whole did I ever tell you that, your a prick fuck yu. Guess you don’t’ know the time hun. 

No Pity

Aw man, then you go into manhattan you got em all there. No pity. No fucking pity. Like when these panhandlers are over you know. Hey man, you got some spare change? I only carry hundreds, you fucking smelly sleazy bum. I’m the guy who put my boat in your eye when you were asleep an hour ago. What am I giving you money for, fuck you I got a family. You got your monies, your harry cricketer, would you like to buy a pencil, yeah and I’m sharpen in your fucking asshole. What do I need a pencil for, I’m waiting on a fucking bus. Give me a dollar. 

The Golden Age of Television

Bingo. Move away from here. California, now that’s what you want to be, so they loaded up that hunk of shit they call trunk and moved to Beverly Hills. Swimming pools, movies, dykes, faggots, hookers, mass murder, drug addicts, earthquakes, a great place to bring up a family huh, The old tv shows I really love. Like I dream of. No, she wasn’t a whole. But this major Nelson, he was a putz. I mean he fines this fucking chick, she walks around the house her tits are hanging out. And if you get real close to the tv as I do, you can see the bush. Oh, she had a hair bud that would knock your aunt Connery’s hair off. She’s not one of those women today that wax it. Designer pussy that’s in today. I want to wax, I want something that I can plant tomatoes in the summer and water this shit. He’s on tv, no you don’t do anything, give it to me just one. For an hour, I’d be like okay genie, you want to do something. Okay, I want you to make your tongue about six feet long. And lick the back of my balls from the other side of the room. All your worth. 

Speedin’

It’s unbelievable man people and then the cops I’m driving down here tonight, right, this guy pulse me over, me! He comes over to the car, I clocked you at 70, I know snapper, I would have hit 90 but you stopped me. He goes are you drunk, I go yeah, a little horny too, wanna suck my dick. So now he’s telling me to get out of the car and walk the white line, and “m like number one the yellow lines I don’t walk without a net, that’s just the way I am. Cops, man, you need a copy today you don’t call 911, you call Dunkin donuts. Tha’s where they cause let’s face that’s where times really happen. People are walking in with machine guns, okay order glazed, in a fucking box, the machines too, let’s move, so by the time these fucking cops even catch up to you, eh’s got powder on his face he’s got fudge on his fucking fingernails, the handcuffs are slipping out of his fuckign hand. I’m like hey lemme put em on, go clean yourself up, are you a copro ac circus act? 

Couples in Love

You know I was, I was just going to do something. No, no-no. shut your mouth, honey. I got a game we can play. It’s called Pinocchio, you sit on my face and I tell lies. I was going to put the mic back in the stand, but because of this group, because of the way I feel. I’m going to work with the mic off the stand. I knew you’d appreciate it. This way I can get to meet a few of you. It’s always nice to meet couples in love. YOu are in love with her aren’t you pal? You see isn’t she sweet. I’m sure her pop would be pleased with that. What’s your name, any idea? I asked you a question. Carol? The first time you nailed her? Just a quick question, was she any good? Was she any good? She was good. She was good. Let me ask you another question about your sweet little angel, how do you think she got to be that way? You want to answer that carol, what you don’t think I see the stretch marks around your mouth. The bottom line you suck a good dick yes or no, Can see suck a dick and lay back with a beer, to me that’s a lady. Cause today they don’t suck dick the way they used to. They dabble in it. Oh, look at the way it jumps. It sings and dances to let suck it, honey. And if they do you the favor do they even complete the job, they’re like, well I don’t want that stuff to come out. Wells at are you expecting a tuna on rye honey? That’s why when I start, I put a little crazy glue around the rim, consider the job done, it has its drawbacks, you walk into work Monday, you got some chick swinging from your dick but it’s a beautiful thing right. You’re friend comes over at work, hey dice you have a good weekend, hey carol. Finished up already puddy lips. And how you gusy doing, you got a good relationship going? you’re doing fucking great. I see you what I’m dealing with you pal. You got the attitude it’s okay.

When I was Young

The attitude’s okay. You hear me, it’s okay. The second I was born the doctor smacked me in the ass and I looked t him and go doc, you got a fucking problem? And then you know what they do the second you’re born? They throw you in the nursery with like 30 40 kids you’ve never seen before in your life. So I”m sitting there, bored out of my mind, so I ask this one kid, I go putz, you got a light for me? Kids laying there, taking a  dump in his diaper, drolling, so I’m saying this kid ain’t’ go no fucking glass. I put on my leather, waiting for some fucking service. Goes a plastic nipple in my mouth. I look at her sweetheart, who ya teasing, pick up the dress, we’re gonna mow the lawn today. Don’t ever tease me like that. Even in school k 12 noon, when you’re in kindergarten the teacher comes over, tries to dominate your life. Drink your milk. I rip open her blouse. I say, honey. I like it from the tap. Yeah, teachers man. They expect you to know the answers to them. I used to love that shit. It’s like on time I’m doing the old muffle shuffle on my piss pump right? I ain’t bothering nobody. Stick. The teacher starts breaking my balls. She’s like Dice, what’s the difference between two eggs and three eggs? I’m like that’s what I say, what the fucking difference, what do I get a new car if I guess the answer? I just went out. I got a new 88 caddy with all the options. My first option was to not make any fucking payments on it. Ya see what I’m saying to you. People have no fucking brains.

Shampoo

People have no fucking brains, like in shampoos, you go into every fucking store, they got every kind of shampoo for your head. Not one thing for the genitals, when his head and shoulders are going to wake up. I mean think of the commercials, they’d make a killing. First part of the commericial you see this chick talking with a friend “You know I went out with him last week, but you know, his balls are flakey,” then you see the guy int eh shower, he’s scrubbing them, they’lre like glowing int he fucking dark alright, now she’s all smiling, she’s licking his ass, his balls, she’s like “Gee you’re balls smell terrific,” for me taht would work. 

Joey

But women aren’t all head and shoulder, and they probably don’t know much about the penis. You know honey, I knew it was hot and sunny before I even got out of bed today. Ask me hon, ask me why. WHy. because my balls were hanging low. ELts’ say they’re really tight, we’re talking rainstorm. Half mask, cloudy with a chance of a shower, that’s right honey the penis thinks for itself, it has its own brain, why do you think the head is bigger than the rest. I could prove it has a mind of its own. You ever get up in the morning, and it’s already awake? He’s dressed, he’s ready to go. He’s int he kitchen making fucking flapjack, you’re in bed going, c’mon joey, five more minutes. The penis is going to take me shopping. I need a new hat. But you remember when we first came out with hard-on. Third first grade, you lean over like the hunchback of Notre Dame, the teacher calls you up to the board and you’re like haha I don’t think so honey. You’re the teacher, you figure it out, I got some kind of ligament over here, I don’t know what’s going on. This thing is like alien drilling into the desk next to me. Call a cop. Maybe I’ll throw a donut around. But you grow up you learn to accept the hardon, execute the pee hard on that’s god joke. You get up late to work, you gotta take squirt and joey admiring the canderle. You gotta stand there like a mono and talk him down. C’mon joey I dig you we gotta dot i’s and cross t’s later, work with me. Yeah, the morning is hard on, I’ll put that up against the ginzo knife. Little slice little dice, it’ll pump your car up if you got a  flat tire. See what I’m saying cow? 

The Bait

So you think you’re gonna marry her. I don’t. Not if you really care for her. Ya don’t marry her. Ya don’t move in with me. Don’t even act like you like me. Don’t you know that? Everything changes when you marry me. Cause when you’re dating em here, ya dating her. WHose dating? Huh. He’ll tell ya when ya dating, they’re banging the shit out of you, cause that’s the thing, but once they get ya. They forget about sex unless it’s with a friend of yours. OH yeah, I know what it’s like, I’ve been there. You’re sitting there in the house, so he’s doing a little vacuuming. Little black panties creeping up her ass, So you go over gently sticking your head up her ass. All of sudden she’s shoddy too, what are you doing why are you doing that. I figured I’d fuck you. Fuck. It’s too hot. Oh, I gotta build you an igloo and once you get them in bed, you gotta hear shit like, oh why do you have to make love from me behind, don’t you like to look at my face when you make love with me. I don’t know your face, your ass, what’s the difference? I can stick my dick in either one, just get it done. They don’t’ appreciating anything. All the times ya banged her, she ever said thank you. No. what’s coming to me. I don’t know about you but I try to give them a show. I pull their hair. Wrap in the head a few times, kick their ass. Say all the little things they want to hear, like fufk pig. Howl skank I mean turno n words, I mean when you really think, when you got her legs pinned by her earlobes like bugs bunny, that she wants to hear I love you you figure the rest out. 

Masturbation

But that’s why masturbation is so beautiful. Man, I’m spanking it since I’ve been five. I didn’t even know why I was doing it, just knew it needed to get done. Then I when I hit 13 and a little goo came out, I thought I broke the fucking thing. Man, I screwed everything in the house when I was a kid. Socks, gloves, my mother has a mink coat that doesn’t need a  hanger anymore. I remember my mother going, we’re having liver tonight, thinking yeah I had it last night ma. Oh, it was good. Jello wasn’t bad either. And don’t think they don’t do it, they don’t use fancy fingers, we’re talking machinery, black and decker, they come home from the neighborhood store, they got one of these, “Oh it’s only a massager” oh really? I never saw a massager that could blow a hole through a steel wall. And they come in speeds, slow medium and blow my brains out. And then men wonder, while women are with the 3-inch killer why huhu you got to be kidding. You got to look at this thing I can drop () on this. Now put that away before you get hurt. 

Hoggin

I don’t even go with the good looking ones no more. Too much disease out there, ya know what I’m saying? When I look for a girl I look for something a little more unique, I go into a bar, the aisle pops. Man, she gets. Old enough to fucking David. Maybe three-four hundred and fifty pounds. Type of chick that looks like she doesn’t even have any legs. Celluloid dripping off the ears. Three chins in the back of her head. ANd I”m standing there saying to myself, nobody eleven thought of fucking that. Nobody’s even talked to it. I’m gonna make her mine. So I go over and I start charming her. Is ay shit like, hey how are you doing honey? And guess what. I got fudge. Hershey chocolate kisses. We’re talking Haggin dass babe. So by now, she’s drooling. What do I do, now I wheel her back to my apartment. I got to butter her hips just to get her through the fucking door. This chick used to come to me every three weeks. I just dropped thirty pounds, yeah from your belly to your ass honey. I mean anyone could bang a good looking chick, you ever bang a big fat pig, it’s like taking a ride. There’s nothing like hogging, you guys know that. AH man, number one you get behind them you have to strap yourself in, because they. And then you grab on to a set of tit, and you don’t know where the tits begin the belt ends. It’s like one big lop of shit ya know. And she starts swinging from side to side, the celluloid is flapping off the fucking walls, you’re dodging for your life ya know. And you just jam it in, but you don’t even give a shit where it goes, you’re just jamming it in. You know you’re that fat when you’re doing 69 and you can’t even hear the radio. I’ll tell ya. I gotta a snorkel hanging out of this chick’s ass, and with the positions today you got to bend em, fold em, strength em, you gotta be fucking Gumbi to make love. And women, they got contraception, they got everything. You can fuck me, and take a shave at the same time. I’m like honey you mind if I use a little I”m gonna moose today. Everything they got in there, you, coils, slinky, tar batteries, I don’t know whether to fuck her or change the oil. 

No Guilt

You see that’s why I stick to the one night stand, does anyone here have a one night stand beside everyone in the room? Here’s my impression of a one night stand, ugh! Get out. It hurts when a woman does that to me, I’m a guy like that. There are just no morals. Like I picked up this chick the other week.Get her back to my place, five minutes she screams, fuck me silly. Put on a clown suit, I mean what would you do. I felt retarded. I met a chick last night, she said give me 12 inches and hurt me. I fucked her twice and hit her in the head with a brick. Oh, women get pissed off about the one night stand, you’ll hear them say, why is it that a guy can go out a duck a hundred chicks but if a girl does it she’s a whore, right. There’s a reason for it, guys have no guilt, oh women try, they come out of the house with the fuck-me pumps, nylon stockings makeup. They come out of the house oh yeah, someone is going to treat me like the pig that I am. Buy the minute it’s all over they get guilty about it you know, it’s like these chicks you meant in a bar, by 9 pm you’re doing shit to them that you wouldn’t do to a farm animal. Come morning, they’re like, well you know, I only needed… well you go the bonus plan, and then they’re like, call me. Yeah, I’ll call you, whore trash bumkin, get the fuck out of there. I’m starting to feel like I used to, I’m going to confirm honey, my wife is going to be home any minute now, don’t call here anymore. Don’t think I’m putting women down, I dig ’em. What? (Audience) I can’t. You know how I am. It’s like this chick is sucking my dick, and she’s like don’t come on my face I go, honey, I don’t want to fuck up your hair, we’re in a nice restaurant. 

Richard Pyror – That Nigger’s Crazy Transcribed

Richard Pyror – That Nigger’s Crazy

I hope I’m funny
Lets get your hands together and give him a big San Francisco applause. Mr. Richard Pyror. C’mon give it up.

Thank you, good evening, hope I’m funny. Yeah, cause I’m ready to kick ass. Hello. Wow. this very exciting, glad you all came. Glad you all are coming to the show. What! Don’t start no shit now. He just started fighting shit. Niggers never know how to get into buildings, they know how to get out. They do, white folks, panic run out the door and fall all over each other. Niggers get outside, I left my money int he motherfucker. Why am I walking, I’m running to keep out y’alls way. I am over this shit making my mind work, feets, feet. You know tight shoes make a nigger say anything. You ever been like, you have tight shoes on, tight shoes on a mothefucker. They dont’ need to be on no nigger up in jail to make him confess. Give him a size too small, bout an hour that nigger will be like “i tell em” I used to be so poor I walked don’t he street. You ever do that looking at the money and pretending you ain’t. I used to lose money, so I closed it once. My mother gave me money to go pay a bill, I lost ten dollars. I know, cause my mom is gonna kick my ass. You know what I mean by ten dollars. I lost it and some dude saw me crying in the corner. What are you doing boy. I told him my story. Kept getting ten dollars. Shucks, I was out there every day crying my ass. How you are doing. Did you want a drink, uh waitress. See the waitress, but you guys have a funny order. Hey, give me a cardi and an orange and a coke on the side what you want? Bring my old lady a champagne cocktail with a cherry twist. Peace of lemon, bitch I wasnt’ through. Peace of lemon, and some turtle soup.

Nigger with a seizure
Drinking, Drinking cool. Some dudes drink and then they want to fight. Some dudes drink and then they have a seizure. You know everybody know one nigger that drink everyweek and get his ass whooped. He never wins a fight, but he always want to fight, you know nice guy during the week. “Hi, Hi, how are you?” Weekend, motherfucker, get out of my face. You go to the bar, cat be in the bar be fucked up. Leave me alone nigger, shit, show you how to fuck with me nigger, kiss me some money, mack, Say man, bartender, give me my whiskey! What! I’m drunk nigger. Fuck you mean I’m drunk motehrfucker. You crazy. Shit you didn’t say that an hour ago. You were selling me that shit. Baby, i’m buying everybody in here, something. Give me a beer, get everybody one motherfucking beer. Sing that song you bitch. That motherfucker sing her ass off. Whew. Shit. Whatcha you looking at, ugly motherfucker. Ain’t nobody fucking with you. I didn’t say nothing to you, no I don’t knwo what time it is, it’s time with you to stop fucking with me. You dig that friend. What waht is it nigger. I don’t care if that’s your mom. No nigger you don’t hit me baby, no mothercuker baby you in trouble now. Don’t nobody kick me in the ass. Blew. Blew. Oh god, pelase. Oh lord don’t let me be sick. Frankie get me home please. Oh man don’t drive so fast. Put down the window, oh please put it up it’s too cold. Oh lord, oh lord, I’ll quit I’ll quit. Everything’s going jippii zippity. Frankie, thank you partner. Mothercuekr kicked me in the ass. I’ll kill that motherfucker. Make up your mind god please. I ain’t got nothing left to throw up on but my nuts. Ha ha. Aww shit. Hey baby, open this door bitch. Open this motherfuking door bitch. Hey, hey. Good morning to you. What’s wrong with you bitch, what you screaming on me for. I been out in the street, trying to protect your honor, shit I damn near had to kill a nigger about you. If they didn’t pull me off of his ass. I know my breath stick bitch. Ai n’t nothing but some vomit. You’re a fine motherfucker baby. Come here, come here, move your hand. Let me play with your titty. Whew. hah. I’m gonna fuck you tonight. Believe that shit. Snore.

Have your ass home by 11:00
Some fucking is good for ya, getting some pussy beats having a war. I ain’t lying. Coming is a lot of fun. Cause I never got no pussy when I was a legal teenager. Not much aw wanna fuck you can’t even sign. Had to sing or something to get some pussy. Like girls used to horrible shit to a nigger, cause they weren’t giving up no pussy. Very seldom you go to any parts of the pussy, you be tongue kissing and shit, dick gets hard at times 29. Right, nuts go all up in your stomach. Ohh, you gotta give me somehow. I’m not giving anything, I’m on my period You on your period again, you gonna bleed to death bitch. Try not to get home by eleven because then we went . Say, where are you going Richard. Say huh? Nigger you aint’ ask no body to go no place .What you a man now nigger? I don’t give a fuck where you gonna be be home by 11, you understand 11 now nigger? You can tell time? The clock say nigger, what the clock say? 11 clock brings your ass here. I don’t mean down the street singing with those nigger, I ain’t getting your ass out jail no more nigger. Right, bring me back a paper. Right. Then you go out, nothing starts happening till 11:30, what you are waiting on, 11:30. You’re gonna get some bitches at 11:30, I have to get home with my blue nuts. Nigger I thought I told you to be home by 11. I don’t wanna hear that shit. I’m kicking your ass. Can I jack off first?

Black and white life styles
My uncles, my family only fucking one of us. Up and down. Now I go boy don’t you ever catch no pussy. I mean that. Wherever you do in life, don’t kiss no pussy. I couldn’t wait to kiss no pussy. He’d been wrong about everything else. Woman had to beat me off, it’s enough it’s enough, two days. And dudes, huh? Crazy! Yeah. You ever be with a woman that you wanted to be with for a long time, and you get with her and you come in about four sections and you are panicked, try to act cool, lord, don’t let it know,just let stay heavy at my hard. You’re no moving as much as you were. I’m just resting a little. Want you to enjoy this. White folks do things a lot different than niggers do, they do things a lot quieter, “Pass the potatoes, thank yo darling, could i have a bit of that sauce how are the kids coming long with their studies, think we’re being having sexual intercourse this evening, we’re not, well what the heck,” Black families be different have more rhtyhe, my father when he ate it was fun cause he had more “Hey bitch,w erhe the food, god damn, you motherfucker, shit, shit, my ass! Gotta get that meat downt hat bone bmotherucker,” and I got an anti cause a fucker’s neck bone is a work of art. She can fuck with a neck bone, she be all in get that white shit out, throw it to the dog the dog look at her like what am i supposed to do with that mothercuking thing. Different life styles, see white folks dont’ play enough, they dont’ know how to relax, you tell a white dude, go fuck yourself, I fuck you motherfuker, then he gets very offended. I beg your pardon. I mean that supervisor here, I don’t believe that kind of language is necessary. I mean certainly we can communicate on a higher plane than that. Don’t say nothing about their mama, my mom? She was a great ol’ gal. White folks fuck quite. I saw y’all in the movies, you don’t make any noise. You go oi do do. You don’t make any noise. Nigger make noise, oh you motherfucker god damnit. Don’t’ that do now. A Lot of you people look at me, but I see a lot of you in evidence. The older member, omm mm mm. You ought to be shaming yourself boy. That’s the way my grandmother treats me.

Exorcist
Did y’all see the exorcist, it’s a story about the devil– gets into this 12 year old girl. Devil is a low motherfucker. See ehere couldn’t have been no movie if there had been niggers in it. The movie would have been about seven minutes long. Soon as the devil spoke, “hello” goodbye. See a nigger would have handled that movie differently. A nigger would have been like “What in the fuck is that funky smell? And all that racket up stairs, is the girl crazy? Smells like shit in here, some definitely shit at that” you walk in the room “bitch what’s wrong with you girl, get up out the bed and wash your ass. Stink up the whole motherfucking house, and get the cross out ya pussy” Get downstairs and straiging up the front room, we have company. See I get a black preacher to pray the exorcist away, cause they are tight with god. You know god, there’s a person here, that’s possessed. And we wondering, we know your busy, checked your scheduled, and if you don’t mind, the devil just acting a mother fucking fool, could you exercise this motherfucker to Cleveland some place?

Wino dealing with Dracula
Winos deals with it though. Winos never gets afraid of nothing, cept running out of wine. That’s the only thing that panicked the wino, wino could deal with Dracula. “Hey man, you nigger with the cape! What are you doing peeking in those people’s windows? What is your name, boy? Dracula! What kind of name is that for a nigger? Where are you from? Transylvania. I know where it nigger. You ain’t the smartest motherfucker in the world, even though you are the ugliest. Oh yea you ugly motherfucker. Why don’t you get your teeth fixed? That shit hanging all out your mouth, Why don’t you get you an orthodontist, that’s a dentist you know haha. It’s 1975, get your shit together, what wrong with your nature. Get that dirt all on the back of your neck, you’re a filthy little motherfucker too. You got to be home before the sun came up, you ain’t a lying motherfucker. See your ass on the day you ought to be arrested. You wanna suck what? Suck some, nigger you crazy, you some kind of freak flyer, you ain’t sucking nothing here, nigger. Suck your ass on away from here, is what you better do. Wanna suck some blood go down to the blood bank, hope you get sickle cell”

Flying Saucers
Lotta niggers ain’t scared. Loke when the martians landed, white folks got scared. God I tell you, just a big old helicopter thing people got on it, and their odies big old claw hands and shit, jesus christ. Nothing can scare a nigger, after 400 years of this shit, I mean right that emartian ain’t got a chance, a nigger warn a martian, better get you ass away from ron here. You don’t land on Mr. Gilmore’s property. If he land in new york, a nigger take his shit from him. Give up, you got to give up your plans, cause I’m a macaroni, you know what I mean, he is a cruiser, he is cruising. Aw yeah, it’s sweat, how much is petro oil, 82 million a gallon fuck this machine.

The Back Down
All well would fight the police he’s one of those crazy shoot me niggers. Well kill me! Shoot me motherfucker. Bam. Oh god damn. Somebody call me a cab, I ain’t’ gonna bleed to death waiting on no ambulance. Ain’t no way to get an ambulance in the ghetto, unless you call up, there’s five niggers killing a white woman. Where? Police man fuck with all that shit. Hey Mr. Arson, you know who your fucking with?I’m aware, six foot five, four hundred twenty pounds of mean. While you hit me with that stick I’m gonna bite your dick. Leave some blood,s hit. Shit, I aint’ bullshitting. I got some fight niggers. Fight then argue. What. Some dudes would talk to you why they kick you ass, why you fuck with me man, shit. Come out and get this nigger of of me. I– I didn’t know the nigger was blind. You get you a dog or something nigger, steppig on people feet and shit nigger. I used to try and fight and shit, I know how to back down. I had a lot of practice in Peoria. I was in every gang, they had about five. Whichever one was winning. That’s my side. I wasn’t fighting shit. Nigger made me unball my fist once to show you how scared I was. I had my fist up ready, motherfucker put your hand down. No heart for the fighting, believe me. Cause mothefucker made you back down so embarrassing, once was enough for me. Cause I was gonna be bad for about four weeks, hanging with my friend matt. Matt was bad, knocking motherfuckers out. Bing bing, go on now, he was killer, hendry hanson, would knock a motherfucker through a brick wall. Matt backed off. Then I stood there all alone> man, what you got to do with a little nigger. I ain’t doing anything, gonna play some basketball, gonna go now. Men And women fight a lot. White men and white women seldom ever have fist fights, intelligence hurting each other. White women say funny shit to a man, your dick is short and you can’t even screw. White dude, we’ll discuss it tomorrow. You say that shit to a nigger you got a fight. I remember my mother caught me fighting once, not my mother james. Get that shit out of here. Nigger, what that, that right! It’s my mama, it’s my woman motherfucker.

Black Man/ White woman
Don’t ever marry a white woman in California. A lot of you sister, don’t marry a white woman anyway nigger. Why should you be happy? Sisters look at you like you killed your mama when you’re out with a white woman. You can’t laugh that shit of either. She’s not with me. My wife went to court, she looked like she was 12 year olds. Your honor everything happened. Nigga we want everything. Do you have any dreams we want them too?

Niggers vs. The police
Cops put a hurting on your ass you know, they really do. White folks don’t believe, don’t believe they degrade you. Those people were resisting arrest. I’m tired of this harassment of police officers, because the police live in your neighborhood see, and you know them as office timson, hello office timeson, you going bowling tonight? Yes nice pinto you have. Ha ha. Niggers don’t know them like that. Niggers get a ticket it be like, Hey office yes, nice ot be of help hey. Nigger got to be like “ I AM REACHING INTO MY POCKET FOR MY LICENSE” CAUSE I DON”T WANT OT BE NO MOTHERFUCKING ACCIDENT” Police degrading, I don’t know, it’s often you wonder why a nigger don’t go completely mad. Now you do, you get your shit together, you work all week, then you get dressed make 125 dollars, we get 80 dollars and if we lucky we praying he go while get clean driving with his girl to to the club, the police come over “get out of the car there’s been a robbery nigger looked just like you! Put your hands up, take your pants off spread your cheeks, now what nigger feel liek having fun after that. No lets just go home baby. Go home beat your kids and shit. Take that shit out on somebody.

Wino and Junkie
Winos don’t get drunk like everybody else though, right. Wino be directing traffic on sunday morning. I didn’t want to go to church so I’d hang with em. Wino be standing there “Hey fool you gonna slow that car down! Don’t they come driving down here like you crazy. This is a neighborhood this ain’t a residential district.” (singing) Yeah Nigger I know jesus, I remember when he got kilt. It was a Friday, down at the Ray Romano depo. I tried to warn a nigger. I say, boy don’t you go down there fucking with those jesus without no money. Hey ice cream boy, you wanna turn that goddamn noise. Don’t nobody wanna hear that shit this time of morning. Well then jump on out there you barely got some for you eye, I’m a veteran boy, world war one, the battle of the Chateau gastron. I got mustard gas all over my body. Who’s that boy? Whose that nigger, look at them, in the middle of the street, laying there. Nigger used to be a genius. I ain’t lyin book to numbers, didn’t need a book or pencil. Now the nigger can’t remember who is he is. Say nigger get your ass out the street boy. Move out the way boy. Ah. What’s happening. What’s happening. Shit I know something happened. Cause everything is moving. Hey! C’mon old motherfucker. Dust your ass off. Hey paps, you got anything on due. Yeah nigger I got something for your eye, got some sdice. Better lay off that necrotic nigger that stuff made you null and void. I ain’t lying, what’s wrong with you, straighten up and get a job. Get a job! Motherfuker you talking to the king baby. Shit. I went five years in a row when I was in the giant. Pressing those mothefucking license plates. I have a license plate pressing mothefucker too. Where a nigger gonna get a job out here pressing license plates. Pop, listen to me. Don’t hit me no more boy, I’ll dust your ass home. Shame to see you like. Shame to see me? Niggers fucking with me. Was I finished? I went to the unemployment bureau. Bitch sitting behind the desk, say you have a criminal record, I know that bitch, I’m a criminal, just tell me where I’m gonna get a job. I see better faces on iodine bottles. Bitch made me mad. I vomit and shit on the floor. I did man, I made that nigger with the pencil clean it up. I said fuck you nigger I ain’t cleaning that shit up. You say if you don’t clean it up then I’ll shoot your ass. I say well who gonna clean up the blood nigger. Haha. Then I said, I was cleaning. Nigger you wouldn’t know a fine woman if you tripped over ya. This bitch was fine. Bitch was so fine I wanted to suck her daddy’s dick. Is that fine enough for your ass. Man. I went home, my dear called me a dog. You dig that. My father said he didn’t want to see me in the vicinity, just because I stole his television.That’s the politics baby. I’m sick pa, can you help, my mind singing about shit I don’t want to think about. I can’t stop that mothefucker. Tell me some of those old lies that made me think about the truth. Can ya help. Yeah Imma help ya boy. Cause I believe ya go potential. You don’t know how to deal with the white man that’s your problem. I know how to deal with him, that’s right that’s why I’m in the position I’m in today. Thank you very much, goodnight.

Mitch Hedberg – Strategic Grill Locations Transcribed

Mitch Hedberg – Strategic Grill Locations

These are the jokes that weren’t already on LyricsGenius

Gambling
The club owner here when you come to town he hooks you up with drugs like coke or brownies, but last time I was in town he gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, cause he’s affected, but I’m not. So what happened to me, is I suddenly had an extra long attention span. People would be telling me a story, and the story would end, and i would be all mad and shit. C’mon man there has to be more to that story. I have a friend who is a juggler, and when I go to his house, I don’t like food from him if it’s in threes. If he has three apples… i wouldn’t want to fuck up the practice routine. Alright. I have a hotel room, a friend comes over, he asks, do i have to dial nine, I say yeah, especially if it’s in the number. You could try 4 and 5 back to back real quick. My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn’t come in real handy when you’re cabling. Fuck seven, not even close, I need some dice. 4 billion divided by six, at least. Snake eyes now. Gambling term. Animal term too. Popsicles re for the summer. I like to play blackjack, I’m not addicted gamling I’m addicted to sitting in a semicircle. I just realized how useful this table is, because of this table everything is a little closer to me. I’m just gonna act like it’s just like the floor but it’s not, it’s a little higher.

My Necklace
I was in the park. I saw a kid flying a kite. He was so excited his kite was in the air. I don’t know why that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now had he had a chair on the other end of the string I’d have known. Imagine having to fly a chair, you’d have to run like a motherfucker. This is my one hour of slow time. So just stay with me throughout this recording. I got this necklace, it pulls my hair sometimes, I think someone is behind me, cause of my necklace. I had a friend who was a tightrope walker and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable. I don’t own a cellphone or a pager, I just hang out around all the people I know all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say “Mitch” and I say “What” and I turn my head slightly. I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that is easy to remember. Something like 222-222. I’d say sweet. People would be like Mitch, what’s your phone number, and I’d say, just press 2 for a while,and when I answer you’ll know you pressed two enough. Some companies like to spell out a word so you call em’ up and remember their name, but they use too many letters. Give us a call at 1-800-I love carpeting. I like to press out all the numbers, spell that fucker out to the bitter end, and if the operator is still there god bless him. I never say god bless her on stage, that’s going to be editing out. God bless her, what the fuck is out, that’s not my style. I’m not the kind of guy who says god bless her, we leave that to better comics, other comics say god bless way better than me.

Acting
I was on that 70’s show one episode and I put it on my acting resume. It was my first acting resume. My resume before that was sprace. I had to make it up. Okay when I play pool and make a shot, I act surprised. I had a bad audition, I acted like I didn’t care. As a comedian these auditions I always get them wrong. As a comedian they want you to do other things outside of comedy, hey you’re a comedian can you write us a script. Act, act in this sitcom, they want me to do shit that’s related to comedy but isn’t comedy. It’s like if I was a cook, and worked my ass off to be a cook. Alright, you’re a cook, can you farm? I wrote a script and gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he was like “I think it needs a rewrite” I was like fuck that I’ll just make a copy. I go kinkos. Kinkos is my favorite copy center if I had to pick one, they’re open 24 hours. Liek if it’s 5 Am and decide I need two of something. Sometimes I wake up at 2am in a cold sweet, and then I’m like aw shit, kinkos. That will not remain singular. I just injured my teeth on a cd. I injured my teeth. I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curly tooth that didn’t need to be split up. They didn’t have to make speratesion with me. But if my tooth wouldn’t fall out it would have been bad. I don’t won a watch cause I want my arms to weight the same. So when someone asks me what time it is, I just tell them something that’s happening and hope that helps. What time is it? Uh that guy is eating a hamburger. Shit I have to be somewhere. Oh fuck which guy. You’ll know.

Lynn
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad for when it got to your stomach, like you could eat a carrot and an onion rung and when it got to your stomach the carrot would say, ti’s cool he’s with me.
I saw a soda pop for a dollar twenty for a six pack. That price fucks with your head cause then you start to think that you’re going to sell pop. I started carrying around a pop with me. “What’s up mitch” “not much… looking to buy some pop?” Fifty cents a can. It’s not refringe because this is a half assed commitment.
My friend said, he said I think the weather is trippy. This is what I said to him, “It’s not the weather that’s trippy, it’s the way we perceive it that’s trippy, and I thought about it and I should just say “yeah”.
This guy, driving a car either worked for dominos or was borrowing, I knew that. I had a girlfriend named Lynn she spelled her named l y n n and I had another girlfriend named named she spelled her name l y n every now and then i fuck up and call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriends name, and she can tell cause I don’t say n as long.
I open up the yogurt and it says Please try again cause they’re having a contest I’m unaware of, but I thought I had just opened up the yogurt wrong. Maybe yoplait was trying to inspire me. C’mon mitchell don’t give up, please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
When everyone clapped, changed it up. You wouldn’t clap at me, you were clapping at something he just did. Chuck’s fucking killing.

Six People isn’t Convincing
The club when they want you to get off stage they turn on a red light. Some dudes hold up a candle, that’s the worst method. Sometimes you’re drinking and it’s like Oh shit I’m haunted. I can’t be funny if I’m frightened. On the back of a box of Ritz Crackers it has all these suggestions for what to put on top of crackers. Put some peanut butter up there, some ham. But I bought ritz cause I like crackers. That’s why I got them man. You have no faith in the product itself. On the back of a bag of lunch meat it has suggestions for what to slip under the bread itself. Put some bread on there, it’s too slimy and cold it be held onto. I think pringles inteinal inteiton was to make tennis balls, but on the day the rubber was suppose to arrive they got potatoes, pringes is a laid bakc company so they said fuck it. How much time have I done, 45. (someone, not enough, not enough) Six people aren’t gonna coniche me (everyone claps). Sorry. Severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. That’s right, I tried to freshen up a room so I held a () to a fan. These are just throw away jokes. I used to be a hot tile roofer, yeah I remember that… day. I like an escalator, because it can never break… it can just become stairs. You’d never see an out of order sign on an escalator , just an escalator temporarily stairs, sorry for the corniche, we apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.

Smackie the frog
I was in Ireland, I got some absinthe in ireland. Absinthe is a liquor that they outlawed. Abstaining is supposed to make a trip halogenic, so I got excited because I like to hallucinate. But really it’s just a liquor so I got fucked up. I was even remotely tripping, but after ten shots I fell to the ground, and was forced to trip. Why is the floor as low as I can go? Well I was just thinking it. It wasn’t from the hot trip.
Why is lemonade not added?
Acid was my favorite drug because acid plays with my mind. Because of acid I now know that butter is way better than Marginer. I saw through the bullshit. When I was on acid I would see things, like beams of light, and I would hear things like car horns. When we were on acid we would go to the woods. Cause in the woods there is less likelihood of running into an authority figure. We run into a bear. That was even more of a buzzkill. My friend Duane was there raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear, and he said “Smokey is way more intense in person” he’s an ashoole.
I went to England. I wanted to smoke the bear jokes in England, so I had to ask if they knew how to smoke the bear in england. But they don’t. Because in England Smokey the bear isn’t the forest fire prevention representative, they have Smackie the frog. It’s just like a bear but it’s a frog. I think that’s a better system. I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean. Frogs are always cool. Like never has there been a frog hopping towards me and I thought manI I better play dead. Here comes that frog. Never said, here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It’s optimistic. Always like hey here comes that frog, alright. Maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him and put him in a mayonnaise jar with a stick and leaf to recreate what he’s used to. Damn sure have to punch some holes in the lid, cause that’s what he’s use to. Then I can observe him. He won’t be doing much in his 16 once worl.

Frogs and Bears
I like to talk about the differences between frogs and bears. LIke when there is a bear around I don’t hav eto hang my fucking sandwhics form a branch. Frog knows they are for me. He’d rather have a fly, cause the fly zig saga and my sadhish do not, unless I do this. If I want some honey on some toast I don’t have to squeeze a plastic frog.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only disease you can get yelled at for having. God damnit I know you’re an alcoholic but you have lupus. One of those doesn’t sound right.
If you have to release bad news to the public it would help if you were not ugly.
I wear a loose neck shirt, cause my neck is fragile, I especially hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all f ucking day. Wearing a turtleneck is like wearing a backpack trying to bring you down.
See here man, I have two sisters, one is named Wendy. If you asked Wendy if I was weird she’d probably say yeah. But that’s fucked up cause she’s weird, she has a husband and two children and they have a family picture on top of the vcr, where they’re all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there. The camera is right in front of you, but I guess something happened to the left. That made everybody happy.
So my sister is crossed eyed so she can’t really pull it off, one eye is right the fuck on.
You know how they advertise a casino, they always show a guy winning money, but that’s false advertising. Because that’s what happens the least. Perhaps when they advertise a hamburger they could show a guy choking. This is what happened once.

The Dufranes
We go to a restaurant on the weekend, it’s busy so they start a waiting list, they call out “Dufranes party of two” table ready for dufrance. If no one answers they’ll call it again “Dufrances party of two” but if no one answers again they move on to the next name “bush party of three” yeah what happened to the surfaces, no one seems to give a shit, who can eat at a time like this. People are missing. You fuckers at english. The dufranes are in someone’s truck right now with some duct tape over their mouths, and they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. We need help. Bush search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes.

Todd Barry – Falling off the Bone Transcribed

Todd Barry – Falling Off the Bone

Intro
“Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Todd Barry”

Alright. Thank you everyone, holy shit that was beautiful, this place is packed out, man. It’s like a fucking Lisa Loba concert in here. Seriously, it’s like a Gin Blossoms concert in here. Lovely to be here in New York city where I live.

Posters
I talked to the promoter when I booked this show if you like. He was like “Yeah bring em’ I’ll give em to the street time” I was like “How many should I bring?”
He was like, “Yeah, I don’t know, like five?” Five posters for the street time. Well promoter, I want you to pass on some good news to your street team, they’re getting a day off. That kind of promotional blitz I’ll handle that myself. What kind of fucking street team do you have. Eleven year olds or something? It’s a child labor law. They’re only really allow one poster. And then they have to be tutored.

I heart roe vs wade
I love doing shows in New York City, I do, I do. I did one recently, there was a woman sitting in the front row, with a t-shirt that said “I heart, Roe vs Wade” and it was really surreal to look down and see a t-shirt with my favorite pick up on line on it. It blew my mind. It blew my mind.

Todd’s Shirts
I’m wearing a nice shirt tonight, I don’t know if anyone picked up on it. Anyone? Anyone recognize this shirt? This is the shirt I’m wearing on the homepage of my website. I’m sorry I thought you guys were fans. I’m sorry. It’s a little weird. Usually I can’t even start the show until I’ve addressed that.

Scotland
I just spent a month in Scotland doing shows. After one of my shows there a woman comes up. She goes “Todd can I talk to you?” I go “Yeah” she goes “Can I ask you a question” I go “What’s that” she goes “Todd are you gay?” I go “What was that?” She goes “Todd are you gay?” I go, “Oh, am I gay, no I’m not gay. Why do you ask if I’m gay?” “Well I was watching you on stage and I go oh this guy’s gay” I go “What about my performance was gay?” She goes “I don’t know your timing.” “Really? I have gay timing?” And I started thinking about it, and I was like, I do speak slowly, and I guess in the space between my jokes, I could meet a man, fall in love take the train to Canada and make it all legal. The weirdest thing that happened that night. There’s a tap on my shoulder while I’m sleeping. I turn around. It’s my timing, my timing’s like “Todd buddy I gotta to talk to you about something, I’ve been meaning to get this off my chest. Todd I’m gay” I’m like all these years. Almost seventeen years of comedy and you’ve been carrying this around. Oh.

The Grooming Guy
You guys watch that Queer eye show Huh? My favorite guy on that show, the grooming guy. He always shocked when these men don’t use the right products. They’d be like oh my guy, I can’t believe you’re a fifty year old taxi dispatcher, from the Bronx and you don’t use chamomile anti-oxidant under eye wrinkle reduce mist? Let me get this straight. You’re a sixty year old retired Navy Seal, and you’ve never once waxed your elbows, not even in ‘nam? I am flabbergasted. I am flabbergasted.

Watermelon
I’m a jewish man. Any jews, or jewish people here tonight? Dispropation amount of jews here. Not representative of the population. Whatever. I’m a jewish guy, I saw another jewsih guy on the street wearing a pink yarmulke. Not only was it a pink yarmulke. It was made to look like a slice of watermelon. I think if God is so easy goin he tolerates your summer fun pink watermelon yarmulke. He’d probably be cool with no yarmulke. Take that off your head, slap it on a picnic table and put a glass of ice tea on top. Will you do that for me? Excellent.

Aries
I was in a bar, a woman asked me what my sign was. I said Aries. She’s like Oh I know all about you, man. I know about the aries. You’re stubborn. No I’m not that stubborn. You’re crazy competitive into to sports. I hate sports. You are a workaholic. Wow, you are way off on that one. Finally she got frustrated. Well you’re probably not even an aries then. Yeah I was thinking about astrology, but more likely I don’t know my own birthday. You are the dumbest woman alive. You are. Well you want me to think about it, yeah you are. One more chance, yeah you are.

Tattoo Backstory
I like tattooed women, sometimes I made fun of a woman because I think she a shitty tattoo. Nut then it backfires on me when she tells me the story of behind the tattoo. I’ll be like “oh that’s a great Tattoo of a smiley face” It’s a police sketch of the man who stole my baby. Whoooops. Well I will be on the lookout. For a gentleman with amazing bright yellow skin.

UPS
I got a package recently, I was waiting for a package, from UPS. I think the slogan for UPS should be, “Give us a package, we’ll only try to deliver it when the person isn’t home,” Don’t worry, we’ll leave a little yellow post it note dangling in the breeze. Says we’re going to try again tomorrow, how about the exact same time. So quit your job, or else we’ll keep doing this for about a year and a half. Then you’ll have to get the package from out warehouse, which is in Juno, Alaska. The UPS warehouse in New York City open at Noon. Fucking Noon. I’m glad you run a shipping and receiving facility. But you have the hours of an east village trans record shop.

Victoria’s Secret Designer
I saw an interview with a victoria secret designer. THis guy said they actually toned down their designs because of September 11th. He said it like it made perfect sense. I just can’t believe there is a girl trying to seduce her boyfriend, and the guy is like “Whoa honey, have you not read a paper lately? Want you go to the next room, tone it down, come back here and we will have anal sex, for america.” Anal sex, the only truly all american form of sex. Invented in Youngstown, Ohio, 1913 go there and check out the monument, but not swim in the reflecting pool.

Stomach Flu
I had the stomach flu recently, I did. Went to the doctor he gave me the best treatment ever. Go home rest, drink gatorade. I love gatorade, and I never have a legitimate reason to drink it. I called my friend up all excited. Hey the doctor told me to drink gatorade. My friend was like I don’t know you should probably drink water.This put me in an awkward position. Hey doc I know that you went to Harvard medical school for 28 years and you told me to drink gatoraide, Well I was just talking to my friend TJ, he’s an intern at VH1, he told me to drink water, Doc. Doc why you crying? And then I heard a gunshot. What a cool ending to that one. That surprised even me.

Therapist
The only doctor I like going to the therapist. Yes,I always think my therapist must love talking to me cause I’m so fascinating. But they see all sorts of freaks. I know this guy is gonna snap one day. Hey Todd this is a great story you’re telling me, you got the phone number from the woman who works at the used bookstore that’s great. Todd the guy coming at 3 o’clock fucks armadillos. Why don’t you go home, spice up your life, I gotta go pick this guy up at zoo.

Dermatologist
Doctors are getting lazy though, I went to the dermatologist to get a little mole checked out. The guy looks at the mole says, Oh Todd this doesn’t look too good. I’m going to do a bispo on this. Call me next week for the results. Oh you’re doing a cancer test, and I have to call you. Hey doc, you don’t be a stranger either, buddy. What if that test comes up positive. The guy is going to be like, “Oh man, I hope this dude calls. Doesn’t he know he has cancer. How could I possibly help him? Should I add him to my buddy list. No he can wait for my monthly, you have cancer mass email.

HBO Crank Documentary
So I saw this HBO documentary about crystal meth, about crank. They had a guy in there from the FBI he gets up there goes “If you can make sugar cookies, you can make crank,” Well guess who was doing a little baking while he was watching this. Oh, thanks a lot HBO for my new 50,000 dollar a day meth habit. And the trailer I have to buy in North Dakota.

Micheal Jackson and Jose
I saw MIcheal Jackson on television. Saying everything at his Neverland Ranch is free. It’s all free. And that made me rest easier. Because that was my big concern, when it came to Micheal Jackson he was charging these kids a cover charge. I think it’d be cool if he did charge them. Hey Jose, I know I’m a 45 year old billionaire, and you’re an eight year old with eight weeks to live but them snow cones don’t grow on trees. And the electric bill on those tea cups. Jose I need four dollars from you.

Cribs
I like that MTV show cribs. Rock stars showing off their houses. They had this guy on there from the band Third Eye Blind. He’s walking around his apartment, he picks up a guitar, he goes “Oh this is my favorite guitar, with this guitar the songs write themselves,” Yeah, blame the guitar. They had Cisco on MTV Cribs. There’s more to the joke. I didn’t put the pen down, I kept going. I said there is something instricitly brilliant about just naming another person on a tv show, but keep going Todd. That was my inner monologue. They had Cisco on MTV cribs. He’s walking around his gaintainic house. He goes into his bathroom he had a bidet in his bathroom, but doesn’t know what a bidet is. He’s like “Look they gave me an extra toilet, I don’t know why” He probably doesn’t even know what a sink is. “Look I got an extra bathtub too, all tiny and sticking out of the wall. Maybe I’ll use that one to wash my hands in, once I’ve taken a couple of adjacent shits,” Now you’re going, “Todd if he didn’t know what a bidet was, you think he’s throwing out the word adjacent,” That’s a solid point you just made. That’s solid work.

Sugar Ray
I open for bands sometimes, people I do. I got an offer to open for this band Sugar Ray. Thank you hipster laugh. Extra loud hipster laugh. Oh my god, and he’s got black rim glasses. That’s a good attitude to have, shitting on people who are laughing. Hey if you’re gonna laugh loud at my jokes, guess what! There’s a price to pay. Just giving you one warning sir, no more loud laughter while I’m recording a FUCKING comedy album. Anyways, I could have opened for Sugar Ray at this casino in connecticut, and I turned it down, but then I regretted it. Man a killer casino crowd, then of course after the show, hanging out with Sugar Ray. For the world’s most awkward evening, walking around a casino desperately trying shit to talk about. Todd what’s it like playing a comedy club? I don’t know, what’s it like playing a state fair. Probably similar I’m guessing. Same food I bet.

Tull and Vega
There was a weird double bill in Jones beach on Long Island. I swear to go, Jeff Row Tull with special opening act, Susan Vega. I saw this in the New York Times, I had to step away from the paper, and then I had to go back to it to make sure it’s real. How does folk artist Susaane Vega, get a gig for Jeff Row Tull, she’s talking to her manager“Hey Susanne, how do you want to want to spend the summer?” “I don’t know if you can hook this up for me, but I would love to travel the country getting booed off the stage, at half filled amphetiethered, by fifty year old progessive rock fans, can you make that happen manager? Show me what you’re made of, show me”

Band manager
What’s the band sound like. “Oh my, I don’t even know if I can describe it.
“Well the band sounds like a combination of Weeze, Buddy Holly”
Fucking destroyed that one. She’s probably still sad about that.

New WIlco Album
You have the new WIlco album sir? But ask me if the new Wilco album is good. “Is the new Wilco album good?” that’s my, ‘I have an unhealthy attachment to music gasp’

Two Drummers
IO used to be a musician I used to play the drums.
What’s your name, do you have any tattoos. Oh, never mind.
Some bands have two drummers. Allmond brother, two drummers. If you’re a drummer and you join a band that already has a drummer. You’re an asshole.
Oh that wasn’t me, I was going tsk tsk tsk tsk.
“OH, do you know where the blaha blog blah guy is” An actualy personalized blow job people.

Australia
I was in austrilia, Melborne Australia. Doing a festival there.
They slide a little note under my door.
Set your clocks back an hour, for example– if you’re going to bed at ten o’clock, set them for nine o’clock. I was like c’mon Austrialia, juts one example? Who the fuck goes to bed at ten o’clock. I need to see the full chart. Help me crack the code, Melborne. I got reviews, peopel don’t generally review comedy in the united statse.
In a festival where slick
Is the intellgenacl humor eviant to taking a yoga class. That should pack em’ huh, honey let’s go see this, it’s like a fucking miserable sweaty yoga class. It’s like a bad time. Here’s another one. In the show we saw, this is form the chaser? You’re riding the line between being ethuasitic and kind of annoying. If we weren’t recording I just fucking give you a lot of attention.
In the show we saw Barry had a tendacity
But when you’re delivery level is one notch above hyponosis, that is hardly surprising. Now that sounds liek a shitty review. As for hisi placid style,
But they were happy, and isn’t that kind of the point. Yeah it is actually, so why did you write that other shit? And when have you ever seen a show that you like, and started rioting in the street.
Nah, why don’t we set a dumpster on fire, or at the very least turn over a car. We just saw an excellent show, hand me theh lighter.

England
I was in England, that place tested my hygiene issues. You can to a nice restaurant in England, you go to the bathroom, there’s a little cloth towel hanging on a towel ring. It’s oh, did I accidentally wander into the Chef’s apartment. I’m going to wash my hands properly with soap and water and then dry them after a guy who did the quickie rinse. And then get E Coli all over my crumpets. What a perfect accent that was. I’m one of those guys who does accidents. Seriously. Like a lot of Hugh Grant movies if he get laryngitis, I dub in his voice. Cause I do accents, know what I mean?

Leftover Food
Guys living in New York City, it’s fucking great huh? New York yeah. Exact city I just named. A lot of psychic energy in this crowd tonight. If you go out to eat in here New York City, or any big city, you get a little bit of leftover food this is what you do with it. Give it to a homeless person, then you feel like a hero for the whole night. Guy comes up like “Hey can you spare some change for some food” You’re like “Change for some food? Tonight is your lucky night pal, honey hand me the bag” “Sir look what I got for you, two icy cold leftover onion rings. They’re delicious man, I just ate a thousand of them,” So you give the guy the food, you walk away, but you have to turn around because you have to wanna watch him eat it. Only to find out, he’s dumped it on the ground, he’s wearing the container as a hat.

Malaysian Restaurant
There are so many restaurants in new york it’s unblieveable. I was walking around downtownsaw this malaysian restaurrant i had never seen before, I lookd in the window it was all men eating there. I was like wow most cities proably don’t even have a malaysian restarautn, we have a gay malyasian restaurant. You proably can’t even find that in malaysian. And that is the gayiest country in asia, mayalysia. I saw that on the travel chanel. They had a show called “Mayalysia the gaysest coutnry in asia’ i was going to change the chanel but i was like no, I have to watch a show that has the weird fucking title ever. Mayalysia the gayest coutnry in asia, I want the audience ot do that together. That was uite the rush i thoguht it woudl be. Just one more time. One two three. That was perfect, even the cocky people who held out

Audience at fahrenheit 911
Where’s the after show party huh? Want to go see Fahrenheit 911? The fucking audiences at that movie, oh my god. I mean he could have had a scene where it was like, on September 10th, 2001, George Bush took a sip of water. People be like “Aww fuck what an asshole!”

Sept 11th Story
You guys want to hear my favorite september 11th story? I know that’s not the way I should have rephrased it. We’ll rewind that one. Want to hear my most bizzare september 11th story? I’m walking down the street, it’s smoky, it’s sad, it’s awful. I see a guy I know a little bit coming toward me, he comes within a foot of me, goes “the new mercury rev album is out,” are you sure about that, becuase I just watched the news and I didn’t fucking see that. You sure about that?

Favorite Flying Story
Guy want to hear my favorite flying story? This might be on a seperate story teller CD. it’ll be the two stories I told this night, a fucking four minute cd. I was on a plane, I swear to god, the flight atttand comes around she says “want a drink” I say “yeah give me a diet coke” I fall asleep, I wake up I fucked the story up. Should I try again Did someone say no. Don’t do it again, than you sir. They said no, do it again. You didn’t even give my self esteem a chance to be buised. Not even that great a fucking story. Well let’s see. I was on a plane, the flight comes around she goes would you like a drink, I go yeah a diet coke, I fall asleep, when I wake up there is aplate of food on my tray. I get the flight attandant, say “Hey could I get that diet coke” she goes “what, imapteitnt” and at that point, I had been asleep for two seconds. So I was like, hey can i get a iet coke, hey where’s my diet coke. She’s like Todd your an amazing comedian but what the fuck.

Per Capita
Everytime I travel I have to meet someone who tells me some bullshit statistic about the city they live in. And I have to sit there and pretend it’s interesting. Sit there go “Really more soul food restaurants per capita than any city on earth. really? Greenwich Connecticut, wow. It just seems weird.”

Benefits Concert
I’ve been doing a lot of benefit concerts. Yeah, not just saying that to show what a great person I am. That’s neither here nor there. I’m so guilt ridden I agree to benefits I don’t even know what the charity is. I know I’m gonna do one these some guy is going to stop me on the street six months later. “Oh, Todd thanks for doing that show. We really needed a new air hockey table, at the KKK compounds.” “Wait, that’s what I did the show for? I did nine sold out shows at Madison Square garden to buy the KKK a new air hockey table. I gotta start reading those emails closer”

BB Kings Blues Bar
There is a place in Times square called the BB King Blues. I walk by this place guess who was headlining, BB King. Hey BB, share the wealth asshole. You don’t go see a concert at the cotenital airlines arena you open the door there’s a 747 sitting there. I think that’s a parallel example people. God I hope BB knows when he listens to this, knows I was just fuckign around. I don’t want to get an email from BB King “Yo man not cool. Right when I just getting over my blues,” Fucking have someone harsh me, on their multiple platinum comedy album.

Alumni
I went to college. Thank you very much. I went to the University of Florida. Nevermind? You got a beef with the University of Florida. It’s very specific. No I think we all want to hear this. Cause I have a feeling it’s fucked up. You don’t like the football team? So it went from specific to the most obvious fucking thing ever. Anyone would have predicted. She used to date them, thank you sir. Alaywas a good fucking contribution from that table.
You never stop hearing from your university once you graduate. I still get calls from the university of florida. They track me down whenever I move. I got a call recently, “Hey Todd, this is the university of Florida calling. We tracked you to New York City. We’re putting together an alumni directory. What are you doing for a living now.” I told them I’m a child pornography. They were so disappointed they stopped calling, for two days, the whole weekend off. For those of you listening to the CD, I held two fingers up, to really hammer this fucker home. Consult the dvd, and you’ll see that I wasn’t lying. Two fingers shot up. That was choreography, by (??) and paula Abudule. I don’t even know if both of them are still alive. Ma’am seriously, you’ve been a really great presence here. I’m sure, I”ll see you again. I’m sure I’ll see you again when I’m telling a cop “She’s supposed to be a hundred feet from me.” And I know the football team, back off. Okay folks. Okay.

Unauthorized Photo
Holy shit we have an unauthorized photograph. Lady all I’m asking, I’m not going to confiscate your camera. When you put that on your blog tomorrow. And by tomorrow mean before midnight tonight. I mean, within in an hour, if you didn’t just fucking email it from your phone. All I can ask, put a link to my website. Wow. What a blogger friendly photography policy. I’m like the Grateful Dead. I’m like the fucking Greatful Dead. I have a blogger section, for the bloggers.

Sleeping woman
For those of you listening to on the Cd, woman second row, asleep. Killer fucking seats too. If you were like standing and sleeping I wouldn’t give a fuck. But there are some crazed fans of mine standing in the back who would love to grab a little nap right there. Not fucking cool. What’s your fucking name? I know you’re going to have to wake up to answer. It is an easy question thank you. My all night question was on that as well. Andrea. What the fuck is your problem. I’m a sensitive man. A lot of wine? Okay. What’s that. Slow down sir. Everyone has their own agenda here tonight. What’d you do all day. Just fucking drink? Started early, brunch I’m betting. Didn’t you know you had something to do tonight. You did make it, that’s all I ask, for a room full of people that made it.

Autograph magazine
I was in a bookstore. I saw a magazine on a newsstand called autograph collector. It’s a real magazine. There was an article in this magazine, and I am not making this up, the headline was: John Ritter’s death reminds us, get your autographs now. It bummed me out also, it did. Then I started thinking about, started getting serious, started thinking about mortality, and everything, and I do, I don’t want to get preachy or anything. I would encourage you to, whenever your parents live fly over there, sit them down and get their autographs. I was talking to a young man recently, he goes “Todd I was trying to get my dad’s autograph, he was kind of an asshole about it” I was like “When did you ask him, when he was eating?” he was like “Yeah” the only time I’m not friendly to autograph seekers, is when I’m eating.

Finale
It’s almost time to motor into my amazing, seven hour, finale. I as here at noon with the fire marshall, getting permits for what’s about to happen. I was here, with representatives from the ASPCA, monitoring the care of the Vietnamese pot belly pigs that are going to be shoot into this crowd.

Pottheads
You guys smoke pot? Pot laws have to change in this country, and I thought of the perfect solution. Legalize pot, but still throw potheads in prison. Everyone wins this way. And it’ll be fun watching em’ getting arrested. “I don’t get it officer, pot is legal” “Oh pot is legal being a pot head isn’t” “Doesn’t make any sense officer” “If you weren’t a pot head you’d understand, here’s more bad news, extra ten years becuase you’re a white guy with dreadlocks” White guys with dreadlocks throw those fuckers in prison, then give them the death penalty. Then throw them back in prison. Then torture them, kill them one mor time and then the icing on the cake, the ulitmate punishment for a pot head, a fifty dollar fine. Thanks a lot folks, have a good evening.

Gilbert Gottfried – Dirty Jokes Transcribed

Intro, TB or VD, Alzheimer’s, Tattoo
Calm down the act is not going to be that funny. I don’t want you to work yourself into a frenzy because when there is a joke where I really need a reaction you’re going to be tired out. Ahh I gave the whole reaction at the beginning, now I got nothing. Can you at least fake a giggle, now? No. I worn myself out at the beginning. He kept revving it up, and I was applauding and now I don’t care, I just, I’m sorry I ever showed up.

A man goes to a doctor, he says “Doctor, I don’t know if my wife has tb or vd?” The doctor says “Chase her around the bed, if she coughs fuck her,”

A man goes to a doctor for a check up, the doctor examines him, he says “I got back news, you got cancer and Alzheimer’s,” He goes “Thank god I don’t have cancer”

A man has the words “I love you” tattooed to his dick, he goes home to his wife. The wife says “Stop trying to put words in my mouth,”

Genie
An old jew is taking a walk, he sees a lamp, picks up the lamb rubs it a genie pops out. The genie says I’ll grant you one wish. So the old jew reaches into his pocket takes out a crumpled map says “You see this area? This is called the middle east, there has been nothing but war and bloodshed here, for centuries can you do anything.” And the genie goes, “Even with my power I can’t do anything about that area. Can I grant you another wish.” So he says, “Well I’ve been married for forty years and my wife has never given me a blow job. Could you get her to do that for me just once?” And the genies goes, “Can I look at that map again?”

Prison
It’s a convict’s first day at prison, he’s a young convict, and he’s there crying. And older convict sits down and goes “Look calm down. Prisons not such a bad place. For instance, do you like movies?” and he goes “Yeah I like movies” and he goes “Everyone monday we show a movie on the screen. First run movie” and he goes “That’s great” “And you like baseball every tuesday we arrange a baseball game.” and he goes “That’s terrific” He goes do you like italian food.He goes “Yeah I love italian food.” he goes “on the cafeteria on wenesday, it’s all italian food, and let me ask you one more thing, are you a homosexual” and he goes “No” and he goes “Ah you’re not going to like thursday.”

A traveling salesman goes to a farm house, the farmer goes I can put you up for one night but you’d have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there, the next morning. The farmer comes in he goes “You comfortable?” he goes “I had a great time, I talked to all the animals” he goes “You talked to the animals, I spoke to the chicken, they say you collect the eggs every morning five mintesu after six.” he goes “that’s exactly right” he goes “The horse says you’re Otis, you’ve owned him for 10 years” he goes “that’s incredible” he goes “I spoke to the cow. The cow says her name is elsie is you milk every morning at exactly 8:30” and he goes “That’s incredible “”and then I spoke to the sheep” and the farmer goes “Those sheep are lying!”

You’ll go blind
A man walks into his son’s room. He goes son if you keep mastubatig you’re going to go blind. The son goes “I’m over here Dad,”

The easy one
A man takes a hooker over to his room, he says “How much is this gonna cost?” The hooker goes 200 dollars. He hands him the 200 hundred, she starts undressing. She turns around, he’s on the bed jerking off.
She goes “what are you doing?” For 200 dollars you think I’m gonna let you have the easy one. See cause it’s harder to come the second time. It is, it’s just you ladies can ask your boyfriends. How come you’re just once, it’s harder to come the second– this is an educational joke. When this tape is finished it will be shown on PBS. The show will be called second time cuming is harder.

Confession
An old jewish man walks into a church, he goes into the confession booth eh says “Forgive me father for I have sinned. I was working in my taylor shop, a girl came, couldn’t have been more than 19 years old. Blonde hair, a great body, all of sudden I start fucking her and sucking her. And sucking. More than three hours. And the priest goes, “ahh you’re jewish, why are you telling me this?” He goes “Telling you I’m telling everybody!”

Echo
A woman goes to a gynecologist. The gyngolistic examines her goes “What a hole, what a hole” She goes, “You didn’t have to say it twice” he goe “It was an echo”

Glove
A man goes into a doctor’s office, doctor examines him, finds out he has five penises, he says “that’s amazing, how do your pants fit?” he goes “Like a glove”

Bear and Rabbit
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods, this is a more tasteful one, it’s got cute animals. See the thing is, the shit and the fucking is distatful, but when there’s cute animals. There’s something, oh it’s cute, ohad I’ll get this I’ll play it for the kids. A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit, and goes “Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?” And the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit. Which I thought, for myself, was inconsiderate of the bear, ya just don’t do that. You wouldn’t do it if you were taking a shit with a midget. You wouldn’t wipe your ass, well he’d start furling his arms and legs around, so it’s not really that you’re so considerate.

Bank Account
A man goes into a bank, he goes into a bank goes up to a white haired lady by the desk, and he goes “Yeah I want to open a fucking bank account.” The woman goes, “uhh what did you said,” he goes “I said I want to open a fucking bank account” she goes “You better watch your language or I’m gonna get the manager.” He goes why, cause I want to open a fucking bank account. So she storms off gets the manager, the Manger walks over goes, what seems to be the trouble here sir, the man goes “I want to open a fucking a bank accoutn for five thousand dollars” And the bank manager goes “ohh and is this cunt giving you a hard time?”

Aspirin
A man goes over to his wife, and hands her two aspirins and a glass of water. She goes “What’s this for, I don’t have a headache” he goes “Good, let’s fuck”

Greek Army
You know what’s the motto of the greek army? Never leave your buddies behind.

Dead hooker
Man goes to a whore house, only has two dollars. They say, well go up to the room we have a dead hooker. So he goes “Okay,” we’ve all been in that situation. Don’t act like you’d turn it town, ya sure you can scoff of it. But do you think we’ll see, sponge her off and okay. He goes up and comes back down. They say “Well how was it?” he goes “Oh, It was great. The only problem was her nose kept running.” “Ah well she’s probably full”

Cocksucker
A woman is lying in bed with her husband, they’re lying in bed together. The husband turns to the woman, “Ah, can you please give me a blow job,” she goes “Now if i give you a blow job you would never respect me.” she goes “You’re not going to respect me.” He goes “We’ve raised two beautiful children.” She goes “You’re not going to respect me” “I swear to you I’ll respect you,” so finally she says, okay and she gives him a blow job. Afterwards she asks “Well, how was it?” “How should I know you’re the cocksucker.”

Armless & Legless
An Armless legess girl is lying on the beach. A man walks along, goes “What are you crying about” she goes “I’m crying because in my whole life, I’ve never been kissed” then gets up and walks away. Now she’s crying twice as hard. And he comes back and goes “What are you crying about now,” and she goes “In my whole I’m I’ve never been fucked” So he picks her up tosses her in the ocean and goes You’re fucked now. It’s just seems wrong.

Skiing
Three traveling salesman go to a farmhouse, they say “Can you put us up for the night?” the farmer goes “Okay, I got a big bed, and the three of you could fit comfortably in it,” So they all lie down side by side in it. The next morning they wake up, the guy on the end of the bed goes “Boy I had a great dream, I dream that a girl was giving me a handjob.” and the guy on the side goes “Wow! I had a dream I was getting a handjob,” The guy in the middle goes, “Wow! I had a dream that I was skiing,”

Drunk
A man was in a bar drinking, he gets so drunk that he punks all over his shirt. He goes up to the bartender. He goes “I’m in trouble now. When my wife finds out that I got so drunk that I punked on my shirt, she’ll kill me.” The bartender goes, “Don’t worry about it. Here is what you do, you take a ten dollar bill, then you go home to your wife say some other guy got drunk and puked on your shirt. And he said I’m sorry, here’s ten dollar to get it clean” I’ll try that and he goes back to his wife. And goes “I was at the bar and a guy puked 0n my shirt and gave me ten dollars to get it cleaned” and the wife goes “But you have twenty dollars!” the man goes “Oh, I forgot to tell you, he also shit in my pants”

Two Fingers
Two old jewish man are sitting on a bench. One turns to the other “I’m so old, I’m just so old” and the other one guys “I bet i know how old,” “you have no idea,” “I can guess how old you are, simple stand up. Alright, now drop you’re pants,” he goes “but we’re in the park “drop you’re pants.” So he opens his pants and drops. “Now pull off you’re underwear down” he goes “But there’s people around” he does it. Now bend over and shove two fingers right in your asshole.” so he bends over and shoves two finges in his asshole. The other jewish man goes “You’re 95.” he goes “How were you able to tell me that.” he goes “You told me yesterday”

Suppository
A man goes to a doctor,the doctor examines him and subscribes to him suppositories (woman talking) he PERSERCITPAABS, to hell with it. He gives him suppositories, to take. He perbscbies suppositories for the man to take. So the man goes off, a week later he comes back and he goes “These aren’t working at all” and the doctor goes “are you sure you’re taking them the right way?” and he goes “Of course I am, what am I suppose to do, shove up my ass?”

Hunter and Bear
A man– goes hunting in the woods. He sees a big grizzly bear, takes out his rifle and opens fire on it, he bear growls, jumps on the man, turns him over on his belly and fucks him in the ass. As bears are so prone to do. Then the hunter is really angry. He comes back the next day with a machine gun. He opens fire on it. The bear grows jumps forward knocks the hunter to the ground and fucks him in the ass again. Now he’s really angry, comes back the next day with a canon. And this time sees the same bera, opens fire with the canon. The bears growls leaps forward, knocks the hunter to the ground, turns him over on his stomach and says to the hunter “Something tells me you don’t just come here to hunt do ya?”

Get off my back
Last night I said to my girlfriend, you’ve got a tight cunt and no tits. She said, get off my back.

New Jersey
I was in the car with my girlfriend, she said “Kiss me where it smells,” so I drove her to New Jersey.

Death or Oogoo
Two missionaries get caught in Africa. They get caught by a tribe of primitives. The chief goes “Alright, you’ve been capture in our land. I’ll give you a choice, It’s either death or oogoo” and the two missionaries look at each other, and one of them goes “I’ll take Oogoo” and the chief goes “Oogoo it is, then” and everyone one of the primatives grabs the missionaries, and starts fucking him. They’re fucking him all over the place. They’re fucking him for ten hours straight. Then they take a nap and come back. They’re fucking him for fiftten hours. They’re fucking him and cumming in his mouth and all over his face and body. They’re just totally caked up with cum, and they just drop him to the ground. Caked with cum. Did I mention that he primitives were fucking him? Shotting come. And you call these primitives people? I beg to differ. They fucked him for god knows, maybe two days straight. In the ass, in the mouth. This is not something that I care to understand or sympathize with. Well after this is over, the Chief turns to the other missionary “Well, what do you want” and he goes “Well, Death” and the Chief goes “Well, death it is, but first Oogoo”

Hot Tub

Axe

Silent Farts
A man goes to a doctor, as so many men do in these jokes. They either go to a doctor or go to a farm house, ti’s one or the other. THey never seem to go to the movies. THey go to a farm house or a doctor, that’s the world they live in.

It’s a man, he goes to the doctor he say “Doctor I got a really embarrassing problem, I seem to be letting off these silent farts” and he goes “oh there one goes now, they’re really smelly and disguising and oh there’s another. I just keep letting off these silent farts. Oh, I let off two, what’s wrong with me” and the doctor goes “Well first of all you’re going deaf”

She’s Dead
A woman gets into a really bad car accident, the man rushes from work to the hospital. The doctor goes “Sir, it’s really bad news, your wife was in a horrible car accident her face and body are totally managled, she’ll be cripled and paralyzed from the neck down. SHe’s gonna need 24 hour care, of which your insurance is not going to pay for. You’re going to have to wash her, and feed her, and keep turning her over so she doesn’t get bed sores and rub oniment on her, and she’ll have no control over her bowels,” and the man breaks down crying and the doctor goes “I’m just fucking with ya, she’s dead”

Stork (King/Cosby)
A little boy says to his mother, he says “Mom, where do babies come from” and she goes “A stork brings them” and he goes “Ah who” to hell with it. A LITTLE BOY, all of a sudden I’m turned into Allen King. A little boy. Who was the boy you sold me to this woman. Bill Cosby, [a little boy, then the secret whooo, he walks.] A little boy is talking to his mother he goes “Mom, where do babies come from” she goes “ah, they come from a stork” he goes “Oh yeah, who fucks the stork?”

Genius
What do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker? A fucking know it all.

Polis kid (Mason/seinfeld)
A polish kid comes home from school he goes “mom! Today, the teacher asked a question, I was the only kid who could answer it!” the mom goes “That’s great! What was the question?” he goes “Who farted!” [another impression] it was a little kid, talking to his mother. All of us could sit in bed, cause I never talked to my mother, about farting in a classroom. Or if Jerry Seinfeld said it [impression] I just wanted to ask a question. Where do babies cooooome from? Five years old, where do babies come from? My mother says they come from a stork. A little baby goes “Whooooo fucks the stork?”

Lottery
A man comes home to his wife, he goes, Honey pack your bags, I just won the lottery. She goes what should I pack, he goes I don’t care jutsu pack and get the fuck out
Tight
A guys fooling around with his girlfriend. She goes, stick your finger in my cunt. Most guys are like,
So they’re fooling around, the girl goes, stick your finger in my cunt,
Why she’s yelling like an 80 year old jew
I don’t care if she looks like Pam Anderson, if a
But any rate, he says okay. So he sticks his finger in her cunt,

Eight Inches

Three old jews
Three old jewish men are talking, one says “ah, I tell ya, every morning at eight o’clock. I go to the toilet. I’m trying to… nothing. If I’m lucky, a little drop will come out” the other one goes “Every morning seven o clock. I’m just straining and straining, just praying a bowel movement will come out” then the third jew goes “I got it worse than both of you, every morning at 8 I take a big shit and a big piss” and the other jews go “What’s bad about that?” he goes “I don’t wake up till eleven.”

Einstein’s Cock
What is the smartest thing to come out of a woman’s mouth? Einstein’s cock. See you learn about historical figures too, you learn about bears and rabbits that’s cute, and you learn about historical figures. That’s always good. People always enjoy a good historic–

Dracula
Dracula walks into a bar, orders a cup of hot water, dips a tampon in, bartender goes “What are you doing” Dracula says “Making tea”

We’ll drive out
A man is fucking a girl with the biggest cunt in the world. This is a clean one. He’s fucking her and all of a sudden his hips are going into her, then his legs, then he just slips right in, he’s falls inside her cunt. He roams around, he reaches for a flash light. Where he finds a flashlight from, when a guys fucking it’s like Oh yeah, why don’t I bring a flash light. That makes sense, a guy sfucking a girl he’s naked and he has a flash light, but he’s walking around and he has a flash light. He trips and falls and losses his flash light, now he starts to panic, he’s running all over the place, and runs into something. He says Ouch, why don’t you watch where you’re going. He says, you’re stuck in here? Help me find my flashlight we can walk out of here,” the other guy says “Help me find my keys, we can drive out”

First blowjob
A little boy comes home, he says dad I got my first blow job, the father goes “How was it” he goes “Tasted awful,”

Switch
How do you get a faggot to fuck a woman. Fill up her cunt with shit. Not only amusing but excellent advice.

French Toast
A family is having breakfast, a mother turns to her turn two sons. She turns to the first son, and asks “What would you like for breakfast” he goes “I’d like some fucking french toast” he says “I want some fucking french toast” so she takes a stick starts beating him with it and shes spanking him, and then the father jumps up takes his belt off starts beating him for a half hour. She goes to the second son, and asks “And what would you want for breakfast” and he goes “Well, I sure don’t want the fucking french toast”