Nate Bargatze – Full Time Magic

Nate Bargatze – Full Time Magic

I’ve got to go name my chapters

Than you wow. Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh um. It’s uh, you know. I’ll be honest with you, I don’t think the show is going to be as good as that, I think I’m going to let you guys down. Dang. Feel like we peaked. Let get doing it. Or something. I’m un, very excited to be here, I’m married, this is what marriage feels like by the way. Just one person talking, I’m gong get out of here. It’s, that’s, we ‘re from Nashville me and my wife were in Nashville last summer and we were floating on the water and there was a guy in a boat, and my wife was like that’s my ex boyfriend in that boat. Now, I didn’t know who he was so she didn’t have to say that at all. She was basically like, were you having fun, cause I’d like to put a stop to that, and make you stare at this guy the rest of the day. So I’m staring at this guy and I look at my wife and she’s staring at him. And I feel like she’s staring at him to see what her life would be like if she hadn’t married me, so I’m staring at him like I wonder what my life would be like if hadn’t married her. You know. And we were putting so much pressure on this guy. And, we stared at him for a while, and he did something exciting at all, and looked back at each other, and you know what we didn’t have a boat, that was the only different. My friend was like why didn’t you fight him, well I would have to swim over to fight him don’t know how inundating that is, just see a guy’s head in a lifejacket. Then I would have to get in a boat. Have you ever tried to get in a boat from water? It’s not aggressive. It takes an hour if no one is in the boat, like, if he’s in there I’m never going in. I can’t tell you why but I really need this boat. 

Continue reading “Nate Bargatze – Full Time Magic”

Coke Money – Natasha Leggero

Coke Money – Natasha Leggero

Faux Fur, Diamonds and Jizz

If you would please, a nice round of applause and welcome to Denver Natasha Leggero. Hi. It’s great to be here, Denver. Hello. Don’t worry It’s faux. Oh, that says fox sorry. Don’t be Intimate by my outfit, It’s forever 21. My friends tell me that they shouldn’t shop. All their clothes are made by third world children In sweatshops. Like it’s my fault those baby fault works are such elected sewers. I know It’s hard to come out and listen to comedy with all these environmental disasters happening. Can you believe we’re running out of diamonds. The only way I know how to make a new diamond Is to jerk off an old man. Way more messy than scrubbing some oil off some seagulls. So uh, sorry I don’t do dirty jokes, I think It’s a really cheap way to get al ugh. Maybe I’m being judgmental, It’s just not my cup of jizz. Male comics always come up to me and are like, don’t’ you think you’re a little attractive to be doing comedy, and I’m like don’t’ you think you’re a little ugly to be talking to me. I just broke up with a guy, hold your applause, It’s hard breaking up with someone, ladies you know, when you have to be the one that says It. Listen you’ve run out of money. I’ve uh. 

Vegas

I’ve been doing a lot of traveling. I just got back from Vegas. YEAH. Everywhere you go there Is just bros In Vegas. VEGAS YEAH. Too many bros In Vegas. I’m at the pool and I hear this guy go, you had sex with a prostitutes last night bro, okay, bragging that you had sex from a proustite Is like bragging that you got some Doritos from a vending machine. There Is no skill Involved. I don’t know If they do this in Vegas, but In the clubs here they don’t even play full songs anymore. They just take the most popular ten second of every song and just stream them together so It’s like. If you like you should have put a ring on It, my baby, my humps my humps my humps my humps. If the dj has made It to a bridge of a song, you know he’s co-ed. My humps my humps. What Is wrong with Fergie, every video she Is just rubbing her butt on a car, I’m so hot I’m fuck this car. How many SUVs has she given a STD to? Did you guys see that over there? I’m trying to go dancing and you just all these girls In their clear heels running around singing, “lets get retarded In here,” I’m like mission accomplished. 

Hip Hop

My brother Is a rapper, my other brother lives In a van that he put an address on. I always get In right with the rapper because I feel like hip hop artists have gotten very lazy. They used to make their own beats but now anything catchy Is just stolen from another song, yo yo one thing I gotta say, every breath I take uh uh hell  yeah, every bond you break. Uh that’s already a song, since when did yelling over our favorite hits from the 80 become. 1586309 that’s my prison number bitch. Hey can you stop sweating over that song I like. Yeah bitches you know what I’m talking about, the sun will come out they run out of 80, now they’re doing the 60, hey hey wait a minute Mr. Postman, who show, Mr. postman, Mr. postman! That Is a song. Axe anyone. This Is a real one, last time I was In Vegas, what’s your name, what’s your daddy, I’ll fuck you In the ass till your colon bleeds. How Is that a song? I do not understand what Is happening, these songs are so stupid, I wanna be a billionaire so freaking bad, If I hear that song one more time. They don’t even make sense of these songs anymore. I’m Fred flintstone, Imma make your bedrock, what? The course to that song, is this eleven year old girl, Imma put my pussy on your sideburns, If you think that’s where your pussy goes, your too young to be having sex. God. 

Girl, You Ain’t Got no Arms

So I’m from Illinois, thank you. Thank you mama. Where Are you from, alright! You talk like that here, I’m from Rockford. It’s like the city equality of this conversation. Cheap trick Is from Rockford, let’s not yell out anything else though, good boy, I thought I told you to wait In the car. I hate going home to visit my family. I always asks them, hey are you planning on talking In those accents the whole time. And my mom Is like you used to talk like this too Tasha, yes but I’ve reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am. I used to take the bus before I moved to la. But you guys don’t take It right. I didn’t think so. In lost analgesia It Is only Insane people on the bus. And I saw your light rail stop. Very vizatimor. In any other situation, If you had a padded cell full of crazy people, you wouldn’t’ wheel It through town. And just drop them off at random places. Really, does that woman with a no pant and the chicken box on her head need to get o the farmer market. My sister Is has turned christen, and when I went home to visit she doesn’t sweater now, she’s like that woman was such a b. Oh, Jesus cares about what’s In your heart not some word they didn’t even have in aramaic. And also, when you call someone a b, all people can think about is stabbing you In the fucking care, so you should just say bitch, effing idiot. Also I’d like to say, just because someone raised you dome’s mean you have to add them as a friend on Facebook, can our parent please get off line, so my father Is embarrassing me online, he’s picking up on my friends, he’s raised like some guy with a Spanish last named wrote on my page, over my dead body Jose Cuervo. Everybody sees that. My dad Is giving himself a mobster name, accuse we’re airlines, so now he’s like Johnny’s legs. Why do all Italians act like they’re In the mob? It’s so embarrassing. When my dad/s friend come up to me like “hey Tash It’s me John Calingo, hey If you ever need anything you let me know, I work over at the elementary school, arts and craft, I’ll hook you up, you need some Crayola some construction paper. Hey Tash Johnny Sardine, I went to school with your father, I don’t know If you know of things called gasoline but I pump It.” It’s so embarrassing. They don’t even want to go to titan, my dad had a chance to go to Italy and he’s like what do I want to go to the old country for. Yeah I’m sorry why don’t you just get In your air conditioned candidly put on some frank Sinatra drive to the mall and get a meatball sandwich yeah. That’s the spirit of Italy. Eh. He doesn’t really talk like that. I do hate going home to Lilian, It’s hard for me to explain why I hate, but when someone sent me this newspaper article. Okay, It’s from the Rockford register star. It’s called armless women refused service at the MacDonald’s. Rockford Illinois woman dawn Larson who was born without arms was refused service at a MacDonald when the staff refused to let her take away the food with her feet. Larson pulled up at the window, gave the cashier her credit card with her foot, and was told by the cashier, girl you ain’t got no arms. So that’s where I’m from. 

As LIttle as possible

Customer service Is so bad now. Oh I was just at the DMV In Los Angeles. I don’t know If you know this now but they’re giving out free aids tests at the DMV. The only thing worse than waiting In line at the DMV Is finding out you have aids. They’ve combined them. I was at rite aid, they have now home paternity tests, not pregnancy tests, paternity tests. Oh so you’re going down the aisle with your kids, oh you want some Ice cream cones, toilet paper, you know what why don’t we find out who your daddy is . 

Toilet Babies

It’s because there Is a pregnant lady In the front row, congratulations. You look cute pregnant. I would maybe get pregnant for practical reasons like If I was trying to stop doing cocaine. My friends have babies, they can’t do anything, they can’t go out at night, having a baby Is like having a dui from the universe. Ce[t for her, hers Is gonna be great. People always ask me, who’s gonna take care of you when you get old, I’m not gonna give birth to a geratic nurse. You know who’s going to take care of me, my servants who worship me. The only time I want to see a baby Is on my new favorite television show. I didn’t know I was pregnant. Does anyone know what channel It Is on, the learning h channel. It’s a reality show, I don’t want to spoil It If you haven’t seen It. It’s real women, maybe they’re walking down the street, maybe camping and all of sudden a baby comes out. They had no Idea. TLC, the learning channel, Is trying to make this show educational so they’re like In between the story, presently tip number two this can happen to you. Uh no one smart Is having a toilet baby, It’s not darling you’ll never guess what’s coming out of vagina. It’s always, baby come up what do I do. You never hear stories like, well I was making my way down the stables because velvet crusader and I look down and you’ll never guess what came down from loins, baby Arthur. Every story Is like, I just finished going to the batman ride at the six flag, I’m gonna get another cotton candy stick, I look down there Is a baby on the street I walk two blocks that damn things Is following me. How do you not know you’re pregnant? Animals know they’re pregnant. What does she think nine months ago she ate a bad McRib. Uh don’t order that number 3 combo, It makes your period stop. Oh that whole burger must have had a curse on It, I remember the night I ate the same night I fucked that janitor. That women Is so dumb, when she went the bathroom and launched that child the first thing she probably thought was I don’t remember eaten gmo baby. And the kid who probably already has a higher reader level than her is like did I really pop out of this idiot. And there Is another show about toilet babies, keeping up with the Kardashian? God that show Is stupid. 

Reality “Stars” 

These shows are so bad. Dancing with the stars. Why is Bristol Palin on dancing with the stars? She’s never been on anything, she’s only had things Inside, she got fucked in some student parking lots. And now she’s dancing with the star. What kind of message Is this for our youth? It really pisses me off, she has the personality of a  wet cabbage, agave you heard her Interview, her Interview with Jay leno Is like so tell us about your life before dancing with the stars, Bristol Palin Is like my mom Is working and my dad Is like, yeah and they called me like do you want to be on dancing with the stars, that’s It that’s her, alright. Talk about razzle dazzle. Bristle Paulin and her mother and her dumb Alaskan show also on the learning channel. Sarah Palin has said that she Is planning on running for president In 2012, and Donald Trump has said he’s planning on running for president they’re going to turn the presidency Into a reality show. Tonight the president on who will be eliminated, Iran air Koran. Text 2457, to cast your vote, secret out>: I know I was a judge on a reality show, and by the way I was so confused. They make the rules on these shows so confusing. It was like tonight. The bottom two will decide which of the last six will join the final five. My favorite reality show Is American Idol but In the beginning when they go to small towns, who are these people? I wanted to be an Idol, In fact I don’t know who I am. You have a lazy eye. Every girl who suiaceniotn, hi my name Caron, get ready American, amerciricicia. Sweet. Whose Idea was It for everyone to start singing like that, and get your hand off your ear before I kill you. Remember In the 20’s how people would sing. I got plenty of nothing, at least that was charming, how yre you make an Idol out the kind of person you’re trying to avoid In real life. I’m afraid that the American Idol pretty soon there will be no one left to work at rite aid. How’d they get rid of Paula abudles, he has been drunk since 98, they would cut to her, It was hilarious she’d just bee spinning around, hilarious, she had no Idea what was happening, I mean I know she was drunk and on pill but remember Judy Garland, she would drink 29 scratches and then take the pills to sparkle. No one knows how to be a drug addict anymore, Lindsay Lohan? You’re not supposed to be 22, Lindsay Lohan dad just opened his own drug rehab, his daughter Is such an Idiot he was like, let’s just do this at the house. 

Tom Lykus Rape Tips

They’re passing out he checks now. Why are girls paying for the checks? Don’t do that sir. You want me to serenade you. I pay for the fuckin’ dinner. Buy a micolo light too! C’mon, you had fun tonight, you bought her dinner, tonight could be the night that she fucks you. She’s on the fence. But drumming and confusion. This could be the night that she fucks you. How much did you spend, gimmie the check, that’s not enough for her to fuck you. So you buy dinner and then you just clock out huh, my little brother Is obsessed with this guy called Tom Lycus and he’s always given the worst dating advice. He’s just this 300 pound fat guy on Sirius radio, and he’s always like Spend the least amount of money and get the most amount of pussy. Aye. So this Is some of his tips listen If you like the chick don’t let her dink the beer or wine hard liquor only, rape tip number one, Tom Lykus will say things like don’t spend over 30 on dinner. Tom Luykus Is so fat by the way he can’t even walk . Oh you gotta dump that bitch. So I whole tip for guys so listen, here’s what you got to do If you take them out to dinner, eat first at home, then when you get out order a salad, she doesn’t want to seem like a pig so she orders a salad you can save money ayy. The worst thing I heard Tom Leykis say, he tells guy to carry, I swear to god my brother’s roommate does this, he says, carry with you some tabasco sauce so when you’re done fucking the bitch put some of that In the used condom when you go, so she won’t try to Inseminate herself and have your baby. Whoa. Okay what universe are you living tom leykis where someone wants to have your disguise baby so bad, first of all pick up your mess, second as soon as you leave she’s going to flip herself upside, ahh quick call an ambulance I’m on fire.  Who carries condomoines In their pocket a fat-ass, you know he got a little thing of mayonnaise In case a few breadcrumbs come his way. Hey she’s cute, there are some hot chicks in Denver 

More Rape

When I moved to LA from Illinois I was very Intimate, because all these girls swerved so grosbous, and they’d be so tall and carrying these expensive handbags, and then they’d open their mouths like (). And then they do this false sincerity, thank you so much! Thank you so much! Thank you so much! Isn’t that the same as being rude. Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend Is the most afraid of getting raped? It’s like, relax. Think you’re gonna be alright. There are at least 3 of us In line before you. I was In Boston and I said that on stage and afterwards, I was doing a college afterwards this girl comes up to me with this thick Boston accent, “Hey, you seriously never been raped before” I was like no why, and she’s like you never woke up at a party and some guy was Inside of you. I was like I’ve never woken up to a party, and that’s how toilet babies are made. 

Jersey Shore like Animal Planet

I should pitch that as a show, I didn’t know I was getting fucked. Oh wait, that’s called jersey shore. That show Is hilarious. It’s like watching the animal planet, watching them try to make more guides. Every show, every episode Is the same thing, you only have to watch It once, they stand out on the porch, and they yell at the girls passing the street. And the girls are like oh my god you got a hot tub? I don’t know where they find people who have never seen a hot tub, so they lure them up to their hot tub. And the girls are like, we don’t have swimsuits and the guys are like, your underwear are basically swimsuits. And then Snooki gets punched In the face, that’s the show. I got to meet Snooki last week, oh It was amazing. I was doing Chelsea late, and she as there, I have this cute little chihuahua I carry around with me sometimes, and he has a service vest so I can take him Into restaurants, and Snooki sees my dog and she’s’ like, can I see your dog, and I’m like okay, and Snookis’ like why’s got this vest on. And I was like, I pretend I have epilepsy sometimes when I go to restaurants, and this Idiot Snooki is like what’s epilepsy, and I’m like It’s like a seizure, and she’s like what’s a seizure, and I’m like you know like when your In the the hot tub and you’ve had too many vodkas and you start shaking and vomit on yourself, and she was like oh you were there on Tuesday. 

Phonebooks

Oh you know what I just got In the condo I’m staying at, I’m so excited. Did you guys get your new Denver phonebook? SO handy like, you’re not sure the address you’re going next, just pull this out of your purse, and If you want to know where someone you met lived. Look there’s white pages. Look If someone Is not given you their address you’re not supposed to go to their house. If you want to know where the serial killers are In the neighborhood just go down the street and see who Is taking In their phonebook. Why are they still making these, this Is like, four oak trees. But I was lying through this backstage. The white pages seem to be full of people with foreign last names, they don’t quite understand how It works here. I purposely solve the Immigration problem. We just get a phone book and arrest everybody In It. 

Women’s movement

She hasn’t been laughing at all, I don’t think women are funny either. You think I want to work ,this sucks. I just want to relax, the women’s movement ruined a permanent vacation for all of us. We were having fun, our dad would give some guy some land and a cow, and we would have to not date, and If we wanted something from the husband we’d just twist our dimples and talk like a baby. Please Mr. husband I’d do anything. And If we didn’t get what we wanted, we’d just faint. Like they had couches just for fainting. The most work we’d have to do Is get up out of the king sized bed, walk over and pass out. I don’t know why I do comedy, you look at these guys, no one has these bills tonight, they do comedy just to get laid. They’re always aggressive, oh yeah I fucking killed. And afterwards I got these chicks and I’m banging em, awesome! I wonder why I do comedy. I don’t think It’s bad. The audience member oh yeah killed with that rite aid joke and wonder how many of these audience balls I can fit In my mouth. I love comedy. Men are just driven by sex. They’re either watching porn or playing video games. Which one do you do, both. Which one, what’s your favorite video game? Do you like call of duty? Call of duty, that’s where you lay on the couch and protect our country while you’re eating a sandwich. Everyone Is obsessed with video games, no you don’t understand technology I can run through a forest I can have sex with a girl I can deal cocain. You know where else you can do that, life, and If you stopped playing call of duty and started cocaine you’d probably have a girlfriend. You have a wife though. Finance, wonderful so happy for you. Um. Are there any toilet babies In the works? 

Crackheads

I do live In Los Angeles now, I don’t know If you have these things In Denver we have, uh on the porch crackheads. These crackheads In my neighborhood are so annoying and they’re always talking to me, hey I saw you on Chelsey lately guess the camera does add ten pounds. You’re bleeding. And how do you have cable? They always act like their In charge. Like this one always has a fake Bluetooth but It’s an old and heavy to the core, sticking out to nothing. Like trying to pretend he’s getting shingles. Like parking, backing up, backing up. I’m getting single. Like jimmy what are you doing, hold on hold hon, I’m getting a fax, and then he farted. So. We have this new thing In la the la gang tours, this Is a tour bus 100 dollars  a seat, It takes you through the most dangerous parts of la, and all the gang members have agreed to a ceasefire. It goes past my house, here’s the thing I would love to know who Is on this bus, because you know It’s just a bunch of white people In safari outfits who want to look at the minority through bulletproof glass. Oh Harold I hope we have a bag of crack to feed them. Oh I’ve been dying to see Compton since that NWA song. Why are we glorifying gang culture? If you’re a gang member your main contribution Is spraying painting your Inutile non other people fencing. My cousin Is this gang rapper, he’s like no Tasha If you put a fat fucking piece up there they think It’s your. I’m like no one thinks you own Costco. 

White Rich

What do you like, Jonas brothers? He’s like yeah, that’s what she likes. Someone Invited me to a Jonas Brothers concert at 3 In the afternoon. After nap time but before bath time. She’s like yeah. The music Industry Is falling apart, It’s really sad, no one Is buying music anymore. Everyone just downloads It for free, But I look every week country music Is number one. And I think It’s because people who listen to It don’t know how to use the Internet. Toby Keith Is always singing these romantic tales of pedophile. Well she turned 16 and he wants It so bad, you know how them teenagers are. Okay gross. Toby Keith should sing the song he wants to sing., Well she trend 16 and 14 subsection 3 I can finally fuck hell yeah. Does anyone have any questions? This has been really fun, my brother really Is a rapper. I don’t understand, rapper just turn into professional bragger. I had to go to goodwill to get this jacket that’s because I’m In a low Income tax bracket. That would be Interesting., If someone comes up to me, just so you know I have 15 millions dollars In diamonds, Obama won’t stop texting and everyone wants to fuck me and you’re a bitch. YouTube like what a dick, but If you yell It over an 80s yeah awesome. Because even If you are hip hop rich, you’re so rich, you’re house Is so big you have to take a Segway from your dining room to your basketball court you’re still nowhere near as rich as the real rich people, you know the people who ruin the ocean, oh so sorry about that oil spill let me write you a check, what should I write In the memo line, I’ll just write oopsie. Why don’t those people start rapping? In fact, I need a beat, can anyone beatbox here, I heard It, you. C’mon. It’s gonna be great. What’s your name, Bradford j c. let’s relax for a second. Okay give me a beat I need something I can dance to. Hello? We’re ready dj Bradley. I’m done. Gimme, let me do my rap. Alight, give me a beat. Here we go. This goes out to my attorney In the Hamptons, my hedge fudge Is expanding my private jet Is landing, I’m going to the () with my manservant tanning, I want another lawsuit It makes me quite happy, think I’ll go to beach house and take a little nappy, rich y’all white rich y’all like my oil tanker ruin the ocean y’all, like I sue stem cells as lotion y’all I’m rich I’m white rich, when I get bored () my limo has a lobby, oh we were just having fun, I’m rich, I love being rich, If you don’t do what I say I’ll put my pussy on your sideburns. Give It up for bread. Thank you Denver! You’re welcome.