Andrew Dice Clay – Dice
What If The Chick Gets Pregnant….
Ahhh, let’s say your fucking. Let’s say your fucking, I don’t know, your fucking dog style, right? Let’s say your fucking dog style and the chick gets pregnant. I mean, ah, would the kid pop out backward. I don’t know. I saw some chick walking around with a big hump on her back, say you were fucking dog style huh.
Little Miss Muffle sat on a tuff, eating a Kurds and Wayne, along came Miss Spider and sat down beside her. Said hey, what’s in the bowl bitch. Oh. Jack and Jill went up the hill Both with a buck and quarter, Jill came down with two-fifty. Ah, fucking whore. Little boy blue, he needed the money. Was an old lady who lived in a shoe, had so many kids, her uterus fell out. Jack be nimble jack be quick, jack burnt off his fucking dick. Oh, mother, Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her old dog a bone, she bent over, () took over oh. She got a bottle of her own. Mary Mary quite contrary trim that pussy it’s so damn hairy, oh. Alright, I see you’ve been doing your homework. But you see, that’s where I can’t go. I’m not happy with the old shit. Let’s do a few more. Peter, a pumpkin eater, had a wife who loved to beat her, smacked her twice across the head then went to bed. Little bow peep fucked a sheep she licked his ass so good tongued his balls not once but twice. Mary had a little lamb she kept in her backyard, when she took her panties off his wooly dick got hard. Hicky dicky dock, some chick was sucking my cock the clock struck two I dumped my goo I dumped the bitch on the next block end of the story. Good old mother goose, I fucked her. Didn’t have any fucking choice. Two ticks a hoe and a heartbeat that’s all it takes for me. I hate when you see a chick, oh she had a great personality, but does she suck a good dick. My friend Joey has a good personality too. But I don’t want him to blow me.
A Day At The Beach
That’s why I don’t understand the whole faggot thing. To me, that’s common sense. I don’t see how a guy lies on a beach sees another guy’s hairy ass and says oh, I’ll eat that. I gotta have that. I ain’t leaving the beach till I see him. And they’re too sensitive they don’t know if they want to be called gays, homosexual, faires. I call them cocksuckers. I think it spells it out. What’s the big debate about it? Yeah, they want their rights, I’ll give them their rights, ten percent off vaseline now get the fuck back in the closet. It’s unbelievable. I can’t deal with it anymore. You have all kids now. Not just the regular, it’s these trans testicles now. You ever one of them that’s a nice Sunday surprise. Meet the girl of your dreams, wine and dine her, take her home, put your hand up her skirt, and hold a tree trunk. What do you say, hey for a chick you have some set of balls. And bisexual, let me explain something, there is no bisexual, no such thing. You either suck dick, or you do not suck dick. I mean, what are these guys. Do they get up in the morning and flip a coin? Heads I want, tails I want balls across the nose, oh. What a choice huh. I mean you never see a black guy being a guy. How do you give a guy heads from three blocks away and say I love you? Blacks are proud of their pensis, they hold onto it like someone is going to rip it off, you see me, coming down the street Yeah. You know a lot of people say to me, Moby, why are you always holding your dick? Well, it wouldn’t be gentlemen to leave it dragging it around behind me. And why you’re at why don’t you be a gentleman and snack the toilet. And plunge the kitchen sink, it can always use it. The blacks know what I’m talking about. They know, throw it up here let me just show em.
Moby and The Japs
But I give him the credit he has the balls. Fuckin’ balls that’s all it takes in this world. Like, look at these jack acts. This madam butterfly, wap (?) using little motherfucker, I mean I go into a bank, the name of my bank is Hmmm Hm Hm, they’re taking over. Didn’t we drop two bombs on them years ago? What was in those bombs, fucking fertilizer? And they’re the worst drivers, I mean how do you drive with your eyes ¾ closed. You could blindfold these people with fucking dental floss, you don’t give them keys to a car. You don’t put your money in their fucking bank. You kick them out of the fucking country
Doctors and Nurses
You don’t let shit like this happen. I try to stay cool. You know what I mean, I don’t know man, maybe it’s me. I just don’t get it. I’m having a hard time with people lately, I’m even seeing one of these psychopaths. I went in, I said, doc I’m having a hard time making friends you cocksucker. Can you give me some advice? So he sends me for a physical, right, let me tell you something, doctors know nothing about the body, it’s unbelievable. Number one I come walking in, the nurse comes over, gives me a cup of urine, you take cream and sugar with that honey? Maybe a donut on the side? So now she sends me into the doctor, he’s checking me out. I think everything’s alright. Just as I”m getting dressed the guy jammed a finger up my ass. This man goes to school for 35 years to learn about the body, you don’t jam your finger up someone’s ass. Aim and. Tickle it. Get me excited about the project. Then he starts juggling my keelsons like he’s looking for ripe tomatoes, so I’m going doc back off this ain’t no fuckign social call. So you know what this fucking nitwit tell me?
He says you need to cut down smoking, so I’m like okay, but did you have to stick your hand up my ass to find this out, number one I’m smoking 15 years, my lungs don’t bother me. Smoking doesn’t bother me. I’m telling ya I job five miles a day. And smoke. I smoke when I’m banging a chick. Sometimes they get a little pissed, the ashtray slips off their ass every now and then, so you give them a little sizzle, and then it’s honey. Move that fucking thing honey. You want me to call again. But wherever you go, people, I’m out with the pig a few weeks ago. She goes, you know you really shouldn’t smoke, it’s a dirty habit. So is wiping my ass but nobody is banning that. You go into a movie theatre the minute you sit down, big sign, no smoking. That’s when I get up. And there is always that one couple a few seats away. Oh, look at him, he’s smoking, oh yeah, and I”m jerking off too, wanna come a little closer, I’ll butter your fucking popcorn, all over the country stop cigetrrets, everywhere. Up in San Francisco the fag capital of California they pass a bill you can’t even smoke in the street, they put in jail. It offends people. But it’s okay if you want to butt slam your buddy. Yeah, slap them in the face with your dick a few times that’s not offensive. You can smoke a baloney foney but fucking a car body, what’s wrong with people?
Nobody tells me what to do, not even me. Suppose to be nice to people, fuck you. Nice to be back in Philly. I like the attitude. You get into a car in Philly man, you better have an attitude, Cause the minute you pull up to a red light it’s got to stall. You know the guy next to you looks over. Did you get a fucking problem? What’s your fucking problem huh, I get out of this fucking car, stick a pipe up your ass. Those are the chicks. Cause out in the hall, that wouldn’t’ be I’m telling you. You cross a crowded street and cars won’t stop. They’re trying that here, ya know. Guy tries to stop the street, it’s like hey joey he’s trying to make it. He ain’t even halfway across the street I wanna see him fucking leg lift. There someone for the time in the street, everything is a fucking act. Excuse me, you know what fucking time it is, huh? You can’t afford a fucking watch, what do I look like big fucking bento you, go fuck yourself. Your mother’s a whole did I ever tell you that, your a prick fuck yu. Guess you don’t’ know the time hun.
Aw man, then you go into manhattan you got em all there. No pity. No fucking pity. Like when these panhandlers are over you know. Hey man, you got some spare change? I only carry hundreds, you fucking smelly sleazy bum. I’m the guy who put my boat in your eye when you were asleep an hour ago. What am I giving you money for, fuck you I got a family. You got your monies, your harry cricketer, would you like to buy a pencil, yeah and I’m sharpen in your fucking asshole. What do I need a pencil for, I’m waiting on a fucking bus. Give me a dollar.
The Golden Age of Television
Bingo. Move away from here. California, now that’s what you want to be, so they loaded up that hunk of shit they call trunk and moved to Beverly Hills. Swimming pools, movies, dykes, faggots, hookers, mass murder, drug addicts, earthquakes, a great place to bring up a family huh, The old tv shows I really love. Like I dream of. No, she wasn’t a whole. But this major Nelson, he was a putz. I mean he fines this fucking chick, she walks around the house her tits are hanging out. And if you get real close to the tv as I do, you can see the bush. Oh, she had a hair bud that would knock your aunt Connery’s hair off. She’s not one of those women today that wax it. Designer pussy that’s in today. I want to wax, I want something that I can plant tomatoes in the summer and water this shit. He’s on tv, no you don’t do anything, give it to me just one. For an hour, I’d be like okay genie, you want to do something. Okay, I want you to make your tongue about six feet long. And lick the back of my balls from the other side of the room. All your worth.
It’s unbelievable man people and then the cops I’m driving down here tonight, right, this guy pulse me over, me! He comes over to the car, I clocked you at 70, I know snapper, I would have hit 90 but you stopped me. He goes are you drunk, I go yeah, a little horny too, wanna suck my dick. So now he’s telling me to get out of the car and walk the white line, and “m like number one the yellow lines I don’t walk without a net, that’s just the way I am. Cops, man, you need a copy today you don’t call 911, you call Dunkin donuts. Tha’s where they cause let’s face that’s where times really happen. People are walking in with machine guns, okay order glazed, in a fucking box, the machines too, let’s move, so by the time these fucking cops even catch up to you, eh’s got powder on his face he’s got fudge on his fucking fingernails, the handcuffs are slipping out of his fuckign hand. I’m like hey lemme put em on, go clean yourself up, are you a copro ac circus act?
Couples in Love
You know I was, I was just going to do something. No, no-no. shut your mouth, honey. I got a game we can play. It’s called Pinocchio, you sit on my face and I tell lies. I was going to put the mic back in the stand, but because of this group, because of the way I feel. I’m going to work with the mic off the stand. I knew you’d appreciate it. This way I can get to meet a few of you. It’s always nice to meet couples in love. YOu are in love with her aren’t you pal? You see isn’t she sweet. I’m sure her pop would be pleased with that. What’s your name, any idea? I asked you a question. Carol? The first time you nailed her? Just a quick question, was she any good? Was she any good? She was good. She was good. Let me ask you another question about your sweet little angel, how do you think she got to be that way? You want to answer that carol, what you don’t think I see the stretch marks around your mouth. The bottom line you suck a good dick yes or no, Can see suck a dick and lay back with a beer, to me that’s a lady. Cause today they don’t suck dick the way they used to. They dabble in it. Oh, look at the way it jumps. It sings and dances to let suck it, honey. And if they do you the favor do they even complete the job, they’re like, well I don’t want that stuff to come out. Wells at are you expecting a tuna on rye honey? That’s why when I start, I put a little crazy glue around the rim, consider the job done, it has its drawbacks, you walk into work Monday, you got some chick swinging from your dick but it’s a beautiful thing right. You’re friend comes over at work, hey dice you have a good weekend, hey carol. Finished up already puddy lips. And how you gusy doing, you got a good relationship going? you’re doing fucking great. I see you what I’m dealing with you pal. You got the attitude it’s okay.
When I was Young
The attitude’s okay. You hear me, it’s okay. The second I was born the doctor smacked me in the ass and I looked t him and go doc, you got a fucking problem? And then you know what they do the second you’re born? They throw you in the nursery with like 30 40 kids you’ve never seen before in your life. So I”m sitting there, bored out of my mind, so I ask this one kid, I go putz, you got a light for me? Kids laying there, taking a dump in his diaper, drolling, so I’m saying this kid ain’t’ go no fucking glass. I put on my leather, waiting for some fucking service. Goes a plastic nipple in my mouth. I look at her sweetheart, who ya teasing, pick up the dress, we’re gonna mow the lawn today. Don’t ever tease me like that. Even in school k 12 noon, when you’re in kindergarten the teacher comes over, tries to dominate your life. Drink your milk. I rip open her blouse. I say, honey. I like it from the tap. Yeah, teachers man. They expect you to know the answers to them. I used to love that shit. It’s like on time I’m doing the old muffle shuffle on my piss pump right? I ain’t bothering nobody. Stick. The teacher starts breaking my balls. She’s like Dice, what’s the difference between two eggs and three eggs? I’m like that’s what I say, what the fucking difference, what do I get a new car if I guess the answer? I just went out. I got a new 88 caddy with all the options. My first option was to not make any fucking payments on it. Ya see what I’m saying to you. People have no fucking brains.
People have no fucking brains, like in shampoos, you go into every fucking store, they got every kind of shampoo for your head. Not one thing for the genitals, when his head and shoulders are going to wake up. I mean think of the commercials, they’d make a killing. First part of the commericial you see this chick talking with a friend “You know I went out with him last week, but you know, his balls are flakey,” then you see the guy int eh shower, he’s scrubbing them, they’lre like glowing int he fucking dark alright, now she’s all smiling, she’s licking his ass, his balls, she’s like “Gee you’re balls smell terrific,” for me taht would work.
But women aren’t all head and shoulder, and they probably don’t know much about the penis. You know honey, I knew it was hot and sunny before I even got out of bed today. Ask me hon, ask me why. WHy. because my balls were hanging low. ELts’ say they’re really tight, we’re talking rainstorm. Half mask, cloudy with a chance of a shower, that’s right honey the penis thinks for itself, it has its own brain, why do you think the head is bigger than the rest. I could prove it has a mind of its own. You ever get up in the morning, and it’s already awake? He’s dressed, he’s ready to go. He’s int he kitchen making fucking flapjack, you’re in bed going, c’mon joey, five more minutes. The penis is going to take me shopping. I need a new hat. But you remember when we first came out with hard-on. Third first grade, you lean over like the hunchback of Notre Dame, the teacher calls you up to the board and you’re like haha I don’t think so honey. You’re the teacher, you figure it out, I got some kind of ligament over here, I don’t know what’s going on. This thing is like alien drilling into the desk next to me. Call a cop. Maybe I’ll throw a donut around. But you grow up you learn to accept the hardon, execute the pee hard on that’s god joke. You get up late to work, you gotta take squirt and joey admiring the canderle. You gotta stand there like a mono and talk him down. C’mon joey I dig you we gotta dot i’s and cross t’s later, work with me. Yeah, the morning is hard on, I’ll put that up against the ginzo knife. Little slice little dice, it’ll pump your car up if you got a flat tire. See what I’m saying cow?
So you think you’re gonna marry her. I don’t. Not if you really care for her. Ya don’t marry her. Ya don’t move in with me. Don’t even act like you like me. Don’t you know that? Everything changes when you marry me. Cause when you’re dating em here, ya dating her. WHose dating? Huh. He’ll tell ya when ya dating, they’re banging the shit out of you, cause that’s the thing, but once they get ya. They forget about sex unless it’s with a friend of yours. OH yeah, I know what it’s like, I’ve been there. You’re sitting there in the house, so he’s doing a little vacuuming. Little black panties creeping up her ass, So you go over gently sticking your head up her ass. All of sudden she’s shoddy too, what are you doing why are you doing that. I figured I’d fuck you. Fuck. It’s too hot. Oh, I gotta build you an igloo and once you get them in bed, you gotta hear shit like, oh why do you have to make love from me behind, don’t you like to look at my face when you make love with me. I don’t know your face, your ass, what’s the difference? I can stick my dick in either one, just get it done. They don’t’ appreciating anything. All the times ya banged her, she ever said thank you. No. what’s coming to me. I don’t know about you but I try to give them a show. I pull their hair. Wrap in the head a few times, kick their ass. Say all the little things they want to hear, like fufk pig. Howl skank I mean turno n words, I mean when you really think, when you got her legs pinned by her earlobes like bugs bunny, that she wants to hear I love you you figure the rest out.
But that’s why masturbation is so beautiful. Man, I’m spanking it since I’ve been five. I didn’t even know why I was doing it, just knew it needed to get done. Then I when I hit 13 and a little goo came out, I thought I broke the fucking thing. Man, I screwed everything in the house when I was a kid. Socks, gloves, my mother has a mink coat that doesn’t need a hanger anymore. I remember my mother going, we’re having liver tonight, thinking yeah I had it last night ma. Oh, it was good. Jello wasn’t bad either. And don’t think they don’t do it, they don’t use fancy fingers, we’re talking machinery, black and decker, they come home from the neighborhood store, they got one of these, “Oh it’s only a massager” oh really? I never saw a massager that could blow a hole through a steel wall. And they come in speeds, slow medium and blow my brains out. And then men wonder, while women are with the 3-inch killer why huhu you got to be kidding. You got to look at this thing I can drop () on this. Now put that away before you get hurt.
I don’t even go with the good looking ones no more. Too much disease out there, ya know what I’m saying? When I look for a girl I look for something a little more unique, I go into a bar, the aisle pops. Man, she gets. Old enough to fucking David. Maybe three-four hundred and fifty pounds. Type of chick that looks like she doesn’t even have any legs. Celluloid dripping off the ears. Three chins in the back of her head. ANd I”m standing there saying to myself, nobody eleven thought of fucking that. Nobody’s even talked to it. I’m gonna make her mine. So I go over and I start charming her. Is ay shit like, hey how are you doing honey? And guess what. I got fudge. Hershey chocolate kisses. We’re talking Haggin dass babe. So by now, she’s drooling. What do I do, now I wheel her back to my apartment. I got to butter her hips just to get her through the fucking door. This chick used to come to me every three weeks. I just dropped thirty pounds, yeah from your belly to your ass honey. I mean anyone could bang a good looking chick, you ever bang a big fat pig, it’s like taking a ride. There’s nothing like hogging, you guys know that. AH man, number one you get behind them you have to strap yourself in, because they. And then you grab on to a set of tit, and you don’t know where the tits begin the belt ends. It’s like one big lop of shit ya know. And she starts swinging from side to side, the celluloid is flapping off the fucking walls, you’re dodging for your life ya know. And you just jam it in, but you don’t even give a shit where it goes, you’re just jamming it in. You know you’re that fat when you’re doing 69 and you can’t even hear the radio. I’ll tell ya. I gotta a snorkel hanging out of this chick’s ass, and with the positions today you got to bend em, fold em, strength em, you gotta be fucking Gumbi to make love. And women, they got contraception, they got everything. You can fuck me, and take a shave at the same time. I’m like honey you mind if I use a little I”m gonna moose today. Everything they got in there, you, coils, slinky, tar batteries, I don’t know whether to fuck her or change the oil.
You see that’s why I stick to the one night stand, does anyone here have a one night stand beside everyone in the room? Here’s my impression of a one night stand, ugh! Get out. It hurts when a woman does that to me, I’m a guy like that. There are just no morals. Like I picked up this chick the other week.Get her back to my place, five minutes she screams, fuck me silly. Put on a clown suit, I mean what would you do. I felt retarded. I met a chick last night, she said give me 12 inches and hurt me. I fucked her twice and hit her in the head with a brick. Oh, women get pissed off about the one night stand, you’ll hear them say, why is it that a guy can go out a duck a hundred chicks but if a girl does it she’s a whore, right. There’s a reason for it, guys have no guilt, oh women try, they come out of the house with the fuck-me pumps, nylon stockings makeup. They come out of the house oh yeah, someone is going to treat me like the pig that I am. Buy the minute it’s all over they get guilty about it you know, it’s like these chicks you meant in a bar, by 9 pm you’re doing shit to them that you wouldn’t do to a farm animal. Come morning, they’re like, well you know, I only needed… well you go the bonus plan, and then they’re like, call me. Yeah, I’ll call you, whore trash bumkin, get the fuck out of there. I’m starting to feel like I used to, I’m going to confirm honey, my wife is going to be home any minute now, don’t call here anymore. Don’t think I’m putting women down, I dig ’em. What? (Audience) I can’t. You know how I am. It’s like this chick is sucking my dick, and she’s like don’t come on my face I go, honey, I don’t want to fuck up your hair, we’re in a nice restaurant.