My Favorite Games of 2020

My Favorite Games of 2020

10.  Assemble with care

A steam game that is pretty quick to play. It’s from the developers of Monument Valley. You go around fixing things in village. The game play is good and there is a nice story.

9. Super Mario 3D Allstars

A lot of people complained about this game because of it’s lack of extras, but I am super glad to be able to play these three games on the switch. That is enough for me. I’ve finished Mario 64, and Galaxy so far, and just started Sunshine.

8 Spider Man Miles

I didn’t love this as much as Kotaku and Polygon did, but I did like it. It just feels like a lot less than the first Spiderman game. But it is a lot of fun. I just wish I didn’t pay full price for a game I can beat in a day. 

7 Final Fantasy 7 remake

This would have been much higher if it weren’t for the wack ending. The ending was nonsense. But I really enjoyed the first ¾ of the game. 

6  Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 Remastered

Mah favorite call of duty now looks shinier. 

5. Pikmin 3 Deluxe

This game is so cute. All of the sound effects and the small little details are cute. The little noises the pikmin make is enough to get to this part of the list. 

4 Animal Crossing New Horizon

I own my home, but my animal crossing home is better. 

3 Like a Dragon

People are sleeping on this, but this is great. It’s just so funny, and the hilarious antics have been incorporated into a more direct way into the fighting. I love that it’s turn-based. 

2 Tony Hawk Pro Skater

I played this game more than any other this year. I hadn’t played the tony hawk games as a kid, but I do skate. I am bad and I can’t do anything cool. This game has such a wild freedom to it. It’s just enjoyment. 

1 The Last of Us 2

People be crazy. I personally loved this game. It was super intense, but I really liked Abbey and connected with her in a way that I do think I’ve ever connected with a story before. Joel is fine, but honestly I didn’t care about him. I thought this story was daring and wildly interesting. I know there are a lot of dudes bros who hated Abbey. But that was the point. 

Chad Daniels – You’re the Best

Chad Daniels – You’re the Best

Food Court

Ladies and gentlemen Chad Daniels! Hello! How are you? Great. I was in the Detroit international airport, and Detroit should not have an international airport, Detroit should not be the first palace someone sees when they come to America. You get off your plane like that was the trickiest hijacking of all time. I get off the plane this guy goes, you know where the food court is? I go no, he goes lot of fucking help you are. And then he walked away. I just got off the paper plane from another place on the earth, sorry I can’t help you find where the food court is. Also, even if I live in Detroit, I probably don’t know where the food court is. Hey chad, where you going to lunch today, well as you know we work downtown and airports are strategic located to be on the outskirts of cities, i do have some vacation time coming, I’m probably gonna hop out of here, two two and half hours early, drive down to the airport, pay for parking get the cheapest boarding pass, hop in line for the tram, hop in line for the security which i was already in once because i thought it was the security line. Then the panda expresses. It’s only a 60 percent markup. Get your stuff we’re going to the airport. Found the food court by myself, you wanna know how, I’m an adult. I checked one of the thousands of maps provided by the airport, and then found the food court sticker , and then found the you are here sticker, and lined my body up appropriately and started walking. I found signs and everything. Used to call five senses like a compass, like man vs wild airport edition. When I got to the food court I ordered a hamburger and it had a pickle on it, and this other gentleman said why didn’t you order it without the pickle. Who are you people? Why are you so concerned with my goings on at the airport, and then he went? I want a hamburger without the pickle. I just ordered it without the pickle. Well you’re the best. Didn’t you get your letter you won life. Then he pulled this old standard on me, well there are homeless people, yeah but at the airport. Are they off jet setting to their other not home, is that what happening. Let’s get something straight if someone says they’re hungry and you give that person a pickle, you are an asshole. What?  Because pickles are salty, and now that person is thirsty. Do you have anything to wash down that pickle? Yeah I do, some soy sauce, red cap full sodium. 

Rape Pillow

Normally I’m not that crabby, but at the airport my armrest would not fold down. Also does not bother me, but it really bothered the lady next to me. Because my clothed leg was touching her clothed leg. She was huffing and puffing. I’m not the thinnest fellow but I fit in an airplane seat, and I tell you that to let you know that she was spilling onto me. So settle down a little bit because this is not my fault. I’m halfway in the aisle already, and then she starts adjusting to make room. There is no room. The only adjusting you’re gonna make is cracking the side of the plane and then we all  die. Settle down it’s an hour long flight. Finally everything calmed down and she ordered a pillow and I thought finally everything has calmed down and she’s going to sleep, but she didn’t. She took that pillow and she shoved it right in between our legs.  Like a defense mechanism. Um, I can rape you through a pillow. I wasn’t even thinking about raping you until you challenge me with your godman pillow. you ‘ve also given me something to muffle your rape whistle. You make the worst decisions of all time stranger danger. Good luck finding the food court when we land. 

Lunch With Grandma

I took my grandmother out to eat for lunch, and she used the phrase “jewed him down” and I said what in the hell is wrong with you, but no one heard my grandma say jewed him down, they just heard me yell at an old lady. So now people are in my business again. Uh she is racist. That’s what is going on with her. And he goes maybe that’s how she was raised, okay but she has been raised, she is 90 she has risen, who however you () that berg to make this joke funniest. And he goes “can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ but you can, we had an old dog and we taught him especially how not to say jewed him down.  My speak, except for that one thing, you’re a German shepherd that would be weird. Venninest smiech why are you eating your pop, nein. Nein wiener schnitzel, that’s how you talk to a German shepherd. 

Inter8shul Rel8shunz

I think the Kardashian family motto should be getting black men off scene at the OJ trial. Did you hear what just happened in this crowd? Some people called. That means those words that were ordered, floated through the air, went into someone’s ear, hit their brain, and their brain was like quickly throwing your hands together, that’s how awesome that was. You gotta make some noise with your body parts. Stat! Those same words, went through the wire, in the same order, and went in someone else’s brain and their brain told them to go, mewno. Your brain sucks shit. If worcxds hit your brain and your brain’s response is mew no. Then you have the worst brain of all time, right? That’s a horrible brain, could you imagine having a that brain all the time. The clap brain is so much better. Oh my god that guy’s falling. Clap right away. Right. Your brain says he’s falling, I’m going to put my hands together. I’m going to start putting on all my invitations, only clap brains, and if a meeno comes to my house I’m gonna kick them out. And if they complain I’m going to say the clap brain will make them clap. He’s crying clappy clap. I don’t want you to think that joke had anything to do with inter-racial relationships, I just think that joke is funny and I think it’s historically accurate. My first girlfriend in college as black, we were making out, and she whispered something crazy in my ear, and I said I’m probably not going to tell my grandma about this. And then she said, me either. And that’s when we found out we both have clap brains. We’ll still be friends, and I think that’s because we had great communication. I always knew when she was mad at me. When I said something she didn’t like she’d go mmhmm. Like she did know what I just said, but it also sounded like jaws was right behind me. Especially if she walked right behind me. Mmhmm mmhmm mmhmm like oh my god there is a shark behind me. But I didn’t know if she would jump and help because a lot of black people don’t like to swim in the ocean. The meow brains are out in the stone. Hey listen let me tell something, if your black and you don’t like that, stop telling your white friends stuff you don’t want them to repeat. Because that’s where i got aht information. If you wear white and you are nervous that I said that, don’t be i chose those words very carefully. I said lots of black people not ali said don’t’ like to swim in the ocean not can’t. That would be racist. If you are saisn or hispanic mind your own business. Okay that was not about you, not everything’s about you, some things are black and white only. Hear a guy say the n word one time, and he was like, I don’t mean it like that, I mean it like when you call your buddy fag or retard. Do you know what else you can’t do that, you can’t use one of our nation’s most offensive words, and then get out of it by comparing it two other offensive words. And he as like I don’t mean it like actual fag or actual retard. I eman like when you say chink. And that’s a real story. The million adolalr stoyr how come I have to say n word and I say chink. Well that’s easy black people use guns, Asian people use throwing stars. You know how bad it would suck to get shot, pretty bad, getting killed with throwing stars, awesome. That would be the greeted funeral of all time. How did chad die? A ninja. I’ll be down if a ninja didn’t get a hold of him. Just walking down the street. I’m in a movie, it’s a mazing. 

Laugh Coverers

Saw some of you cover your laughs during hast last chuck that can stop immediately. You came to a comedy club on purpose. This is not an easy place to find. You don’t stumble upon this place. Alright, left at the caddicl dealership, and then good fucking luck. So the fact that you would cover you laugh after all that work makes no sense to me at all, if you don’t want to laugh at something don’t your an adult. But if your already laughing, my mind loves it, my body loves oops! My hands a dick. Alright let it go. Even if you have a bad laugh, I promise you it will never beat the one i heard in Tulsa Oklahoma. That is how a human being laughed. Mah ha. I’m sorry is my boat too close to shore. Because what in the hell is going on with your face. And he got mad at me and heckled me. And here how he did it, boo! That’s the wrong one stupid there are two boos and you picked the wrong one stupid. You suck at laughing and heckling. I would like to go that guy’s house for Halloween watch him jump out of the bushes, booo! Boo! Did i scare you? No but now we think our costumes suck, thanks! I don’t know what I would have been that would have walked away like that. Nutcracker? Nazi if my grandma dressed me. Probably the two worst outfits of all time. You dress your kid like the nutcracker and your asking for them to get molested. Trick or treat, they got in your mouth boy. I pick trick, I pick trick. Would it not scare you if a little boy Nazi came to your house, even if it was halloween? Ding dong, trick or tereat, smell these feet give me something good to eat! If YouTube don’t I don’t care I will pull down your underwear. Get off my steps. I have a question do you have any candy! I said get off my steps, where is your candy is it in your attic. Nobody is aloud in the attic right now, right now we’ll holding a journaling seminar called let’s be frank. You started hot on that one cooled off al little bit, it’s to be expected. 

Canoe Trip

I come from a broken home which is not that unusual these days. My parents used to always threaten each other with divorece, and you do that as a little kid, and you think that’s the worst thing one person can say to another person. Now that I’m married, not that bad. Did you hear that response? Everyone started to laugh, and then realized they were sitting next to their spouse and became the asshoels of the comedy world. Disappointed in some you, you don’t think if your spouse left you’d be alright? I love my wife but if she left there would be good days. I don’t know what it’s like in your house, the day that I get to go canoeing with someone else and don’t have to do all the paddling. Would be a good day. I live on a river, and my wife said let’s get a canone. Let’s paddle upstream,let’s float back down. Don’t think my wife knows what let’s mean. Because I got in the canoe and started paddling. And looked up, she had not brought paddling into the canoe. I said what’s going on, she said I’m taking pictures. Well you could sketch it because we are not moving. We could not go when water was coming at you. And I’m in the back and I don’t realize that you have to keep moving your paddle to each side when no one is in front, because you steer. We are now on the side of the riverbank,and she turns around and says what are you doing back there?” I say oh i will kill you. She says why are you whispering. Because sound travels over water, and that last phrase makes it premeditated. I’m not doing an extra 5 because you didn’t paddle. And she goes, maybe you should be in the front, no then i can’t see you no paddling. Who thinks it’s a good idea to paddle up a stream? Maybe when we’re done we throw raspberries at the moon. That’s just as logicail a thought. And my wife had an papenity. She said i know, let’s bring the kids next time. Abboutsley why wouldn’t we. kids fix everything. Right, you’re ever having a bad dad, get some kids in there. Let’s mix this up with sunshine and rainbows! To the fork. I’m well aware, I’m well aware. That children learn from exploration and I encourage my kids to do that, but no in canoe when we’re going upstream. You gotta sit down and be as aerodynamic as possible. We’re In the middle of the river, my son pops up what’s on this side, what’s on this side, what’s on this side, so the canoe is rocking. Back and forth, my daughter is like we’re all gonna die! Maybe. This keeps up perhaps. One day my kids are like, why’d’ you take away our life jacket because you’re not listening. Everyone on this vessel knows I will tip ancona to prove a point. My wife wanted me to wear a lifejacket to prove a point, but that’s abuse. I’m the only one paddling. I’m going to have a massive tit rash from all the repetitive rubbing. You want me to be a good example, I won’t wear a life jacket, and when I tip over I’ll swim to shore and still be alive, and my kids will be like, we should learn how to do that. Yeah, that was pretty good, he’s over there and we’re over here in our life jack. One day my kids were crawling all over me and my wife was like, ambye we need a bigger canoe. I was like, maybe I need my own apartment. Not to live in just to reflect after cone tries. 

Red Wine

Besides not paddling and taking horrible pictures my wife is a good person. She drinks wine which is a double edged sword because it makes her horny but it turns her teeth a purplish reddish color. It’s liek i’m havin gsex with a dickin character or something, she runs into the room, hello governor, alright turn around gingivi dish, brush your teeth, have you been to a desert island with only fruit roll ups? What is wrong with your mouth right now? 

Environmental Science

My wife teaches environmental science every other semester. I live in a small town where everyone knows one another. And we’d gone to the grocery one night and we forgot our reusable eco bags, and the check out girl was one of her students, and she was pregnant so it may have been the hormones but she was like “hey everyone., the environmental science from town is here she forgot her environmental bags, can i grade you on my life, since you grade me on my paper,s I’m goin to give you and since your going to leave a huge eco footprint,” smells like you need to shut up, wheel what you  going to do, let’s start with what we’re not going to do, i’m not goin to shoot you. That’s crazy. I’m not goin to run you over with my car, I’m not goin to burn down your house with you in it, I’m not going to do that, why because all of those things would emit co2. What I am going to do is chokoe the shit out of you with my bare hands, because that is clean living. Population controls the negative one. Save on energy cause I’m goin to lay down tonight and think about me choking the shit out of you. With my bare hands. The only footprint I’m leaving is on your belly. Population control negative 2. Uh huh, do you hear it? People are mad. Right. You hear that right, behind you, they’re angry at you for doing it. But those same people, not only 2 second ago, were cheering me on as I choked a mother, which would cut off the oxygen supply to the child, ultimately leading to its death, but a direct blow to the belly and I’m an asshole. I tell that joke to tell if you can individualize jokes, if you don’t like jokes put that joke in the i don’t like it and let’s move on. I don’t want to ruin the rest of the show for you, same for life, if you get cut off on the way to work, and you’re still mad when you’re cooking dinner, mayebn you’re an asshol.e it is nighttime now, and you got cut off in daytime. So if you didn’t liet that list, the lost joke is water under the bridge. That last joke is two bodies floating  in water under a bridge., One is a little bit bigger but they look like they are in the face. 

Bumper Sticker

I was driving around and I saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer’ and then a few cars later I saw a bumper sticker tha aisd who farted. It was the greatest game of highway jeopardy I’ve ever played. I’ll take tears in my eyes for 4 miles alex. 0

Cleft Palate

I work at another comedy club, caled the st. Louis funny bone and one of my best friends works there and he has a cleft palate and they’re not going to make fun of it cause it’s not his fault. I am going to make fun of this situation. A woman who also had a cleft palate came out the ticket booth and she said “excuse me I reserved 6 six tickets for harrison” “let me see there, sicx tickets for harrison’ and she said “are you making fun of me,” and i said “this is awesome, how has this never happened before” and she was like “you are too making fun of me,” “i am not making fun of you” “you do not have a cleft palate” ‘I do have a cleft palate’ than i was like, lady please he does not have a cleft palate. 

AIDS Cop

I almost got arrested one time for wishing aids on a cop. That is not recommended. I got pulled over for speeding and was okay with that because I was speeding and then I got another speeding ticket for not using my blicker and I wasn’t okay with that. All your lights are on, they know we’re goin to the shoulder. You need one more blocky light of your parade princess, c’mon cinderella, and he said it’s the law, and i said your law sucks. And he said, say one more thing, say one more thing, and so i said i hope you get aids. And not the good ones that magic johnson got either, i am talking about the real aids with capital letters, and he said get out of the car, and I said, for what, and he said I’m arresting you, and i said for what, you can’t arrest  someone for wishing. How would you call that in, we have a one four five hope  in progress, doesn’t make any sense. 

KIDStp

I was telling that story one evening and someone from the back of the venue said, i have aids. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard a comedy show come to a screeching halt before. But that is how you make it happen. I said hey did you get your aids from being born, how about a blood transfusion, he said no. Well then it’s your fault. It’s a harsh reality but it’s a reality indeed. What do you mean it’s my fault, you had sex and you lost. Some people feel that way about their children. I don’t but we’ve seen them in public get your fuckin ass over here right now, that looks like a sympto. I started thinking that’s why kids and aids are only one letter away from each other. Maybe kids used to be considered an std. What happened to you, he stuck that in there, I got fat and it fell  out of my vagina i have to feed it. Put it in the book, it sounds like something put it in the book. Does it burn, every goddamn day, everyday, yeah put  it by the bad ones. When it burns  bad, that’s how we remember.this guy gets mad at me, he was like aids is way worse than kids, i have to take medicine every morning. That’s what makes that the work. I had to go to bed, when my kids are up they’re up for the day. They’ve recently started sleeping in shifts like they’re firefighting. One of them is always up, alwaysing breaking something. In my home. And when one gets tired they just go wake the other one up, like recharging batteries. I’m tired you gotta go get him. I made what you need to do, number one go drink his chocolat milk, he got super pissed. If you can’t drink it all just spill it and walk away, but make sure he knows you know that you spilled. Look at the milk, look at him, smirk. Look back at the milk, stick your foot in the milk and drag your foot like you’re a hunchback looking for sanctuary. If he says hey don’t do that, say hey this, and then do the exact same thing. The closer you can get to his face the better. And number three shake the dog until she pisses on the couch, and then just flip the cuson over so on the next hot dog the whole house smells like piss. Now go! Ya! Bet aids doesn’t do that. I don’t think so. I love my kids, I think they’re the best. I said that over, I said I don’t feel that way, especially when they’re together. I love my kids fifty percent more. A whole summer, spent together, it amazes me that people steal kids on purpose. Right, you never heard about two kids getting abducted at once, cause they’ll just fight in the back seat all the time. 

Press Conference

My children used to ask me questions. They no longer ask me questions because i figured out a system in my home, i’ve given them both a notebook and pen, and i’ve connected the notebook to the pen, and i’ve listed some press passes, and three times a day in my home i hold a press conference. And that is the only time you are allowed to ask me a question. We aloud the podium they come running with their notebooks, I wait till they get settled, then we start, thank you for coming, go ahead and start teh press conference. Olivia ladies first, first question>< Why does your puppy dog stick the frigatior. Well, the puppy dog is made of a amgenet, and the magnets stick to metal, the refrigerator is made of metal that’s why your puppy dog sticks to the refrigerator. Great question. Isaac’s next question, yeah sometimes the green jelly beans can be tricky. You stick it in your mouth. You think it’s lime and it’s spearmint, spearmint sucks. Watch your ass you jelly beans. Great question. Oliva next question. There is a magnet on the back of it. Isaac’s next question. Why does your sister cry all the time? I think a lot of people in the house want an answer to that. As you know we have wood floors in the house, and she runs around like there is not gonna be consequences. Not to mention that fact ath crazy never watches where she is going. Do you remember when she hit her face on the side mirror of my car? Oh my god how do you not see your face coming at you, you never thought there is my face but here’s my face. Question of the year. Question of the year. Oliva  next wquetion, it is a fucking magnet. 

Accidentally Funny

My daughter is seven year olds, and having a seven year old daughter will make you do things as a father that you didn’t expect you’d do, like come up with the greatest birth control of all time. You know those hallmark cards you open up and song plays? That’s because there is ahcip in there, well i’m going to have one of those chips surgesty implanted into her thigh right above her knee. Anytime her knees are a more than a foot apart her thigh is going to go wahh, no dude is sticking around for that, is that a baby, im’ just going to run over here, see ya later my daughter is accidentally the funniest person i’ve ever met, sehs’ never tried to be funny. But one night we were jumping on the trampoline and she goes ow my shoulder, bing my boob i mean my nipple. Did we just go  from a mistadminto r felony in eelemeven word. Can you shut up we have neighbors. My daughter recently referred to Queen latifa as queef latina. I don’t know if you’ve ever had an operation to have an angel-faced eleven year old look up at you with her puppy dog eyes and refer to an oscar winning as a mexican pussy fart. But it will bring a tear to your eye. When my daughter was much younger we were folding clothes and she came into the room and she found a bottle of ky jelly and she said hey daddy what’s that, and i said, it’s lubricant. And she said, what’s a lubricant. And i said, correct. That’s not a better way to describe that. My daughter came home from school said dad stacy and i were playing catch and she hit me right in the balls. She only has an older brother, she’s only herald this area referred to as the balls, a good dad would tell her that she’s wrong, i am not going to do that, i have chosen to use that to my advance. She’ll be on her first date making out with some dude, like huh touch my balls. Guess who’s done making out. Until at least college because everyon in high school things she ss balls.am i going to have to take her therapy oh for use, the abortion clinccno. 

Scratching Privates

I went to my parenting carre, tucked my daughter into bed, walked down the hallway, tucked my son into bed, passed my daughter’s room, and heard my daughters say, daddy come here. I say what’s up tootsie pop, she says i was just scratching my privates but then they got all tingling. Well goodnight. What do you mean, daddy come here, mommy come here, check the part you have a question about and ask the apparoite parent. Then I found that it wouldn’t even matter, because I told my wife about it, and she said, well that’s weird. I didn’t mastbate until college. Nope that’s weird. What is going on in my house? I have a false start, and delay a game. Somebody snapped the ball on time please and my osn knew when to ask me questions abou that, he was taking a bath one time and he called me into the bathroom. I opened up the door and he stood up and said hey look at how strong I can make it. Come here and try to bend it. NO. Why not, because social services will take you from ehme. Well watch me bend it. NO. now sit back down in the tub and use it like a periscope like a normal little boy. Coming to the surface, check in for dance, checking for danger. 

Sex Talk

My son is twelve so we’re nearing the age. We’re nearing the age. My wife doesn’t get it. She didn’t grow up as a boy, i don’t think. So there is going to be times, my song was like, i need to do lingerie. My wife was like, oh I can do it, he was like oh no i’ll probably do it. And she goes no i’ll do it. And i was like would you let him do his laundry. I don’t want to break in the machine, you don’t want to be touching his shit. Cause there is day in a boy’s life. Where He goes goodnight mom, and you find him in the basement what are you doing, laundry motherfucker mind your business. Sheets and socks bitch goddamn. And then you let him do that, you do not argue. So when he started, i thogut hey sex talk ,and i streted iwithth the standards. A woman has ten hotels in her body , and can only get pregnant from one of them. Now some of you are laughing, most of you are counting. Right. If she’s chubby, belly button can be 11 if you so choose. Some of you didn’t like that, no way you thought about it, you gave it the correct amount of thought process. Maybe your wife is on her period. Maybe your wife doesn’t take it up the ass. Maybe her mouth is swollen for nothing it up the ass. How is the belly button looking now gentleman. Isf she chubby you wouldn’t even have to lube it up, she’s probably sweaty. I’m also going to tell my son where the scliutoroit is, because i don’t know where it was until i was 20. And i don’t think that’s fair. It’s going to be hard to explain that to my son, because he’s 12, what does it do, it’s like that button you push on the lawn mower i’ve times before it starts, only this time floodings is a good thing. It doesn’t start right away don’t kick it. 

He’s Beige

In this country as you know, we have a beige president. And i think, he’s beige, I’m not going to argue. Is his the first African American president, but he’s’ beige if you don’t believe me do the home depot test, go to home depot find the tab that says beige, and then you go home and at the next press conference just hold that thing up and there you go, beige, because as Americans we said we’ll give you black guy in the wthie house but we’ll do halfies first. I can’t wait until next year. Because whenever there is race involved people have their guy and they stick with him. I was down south last year, not the good south with the buidlgins but the learning. I was in the part of the south where they end their sentence “” ever been to that part, don’t get last. Hey where is the interstate (nonsense) are you a real person? You know what I’ll find, you roll them up and get out of there. Because white people without teeth are easily the scariest demographic. Because they will skin you eat and you and have sex with your dead body in a row. And down south where I was from they were like (nonsense) and I agree with all that, but just because you don’t have a hard life doesn’t mean that you should be president I mean where is president Annie. I mean she had a hard knock life. I mean you don’t think he had a hard life his last name rhymes with ‘you mama’ his first name rhymes with macka. You dont’ think growing up he ever heard, hey barrack Obama my cock in yo mama. People say there is nothing funny about Barack Obama, I say to those people, just wait. Next year he can use the campaign slogan once you go black you never go back. And he’ll win for sure, because he’ll get 100 percent of the chubby white girl vote. My name is Chad Daniels. Thank you very much. 

Beth Stelling – Sweet Beth

Beth Stelling – Sweet Beth

Intro from Usuf Ali

She is fucking hilarious she’s from LA, so give her a lot of love, she’s in fucking Cleveland when she could be la, so start clapping for Beth Stelling. Get my shit out here. Now that you’ve stopped clapping just one more time for yourself. So good to be here. 

Chicago Smash and Grab

So I started to stand up in Chicago and I went back for the first time just about a month ago. And I was welcomed back into the city, just after a year by having all my jokes stolen. Literally. We got back to the car after having just parked it and this neighborhood of Chicago and my boyfriend’s car had been cashed in, and the only thing they took was a backpack. Yeah I’m a 30 year old woman who still has a backpack as a purse. So that was chock full of jokes and lists, and things I collected over the last three years for my album. So I called the Chicago police and informed them i told them that i had a backpack full of gold stolen, and when we got there I did have to clarify it was in fact a backpack full of comedy gold. Not very patient, not very happy. You’re reporting a backpack full of papers stolen. Yeah well my wallet and phone but mostly the papers. Yeah I’m really concerned about those. Not happy with me. That was like the worst thief. It had to be the most diapason steal of 20212 for him, eh goes back to his lair with my backpack, and he took my 4 dollars in cash, and then he’s like wait a minute, it’s just a bunch of papers of lists with unrelated words on thiem, and then he takes out a setlist of mind and goes shaquille O Neal, basement, dad, women are not funny. It is a good thing that I had my boyfriend throw it with me. He could probably win the amazing race. I had him back in Chicago, and we jumped in a dumpster for it, and when the police were questioning us about it, I yelled shut up right in his face. He forgave me, because (0. Thank you. He took me to TJmax, you guys have that? So we went there to get my reading glasses replaced. I loved going to TJ Max because I would always see three trannys. Especially the Chicago one. And they always look better than me, I’m very jealous of their legs. You’re not going to find transexzual, that’s the full word,m at lehumr marcus or (), buying fitness bags or juicy Cooter, they will be at that TJmaxx, because the man inside of them cannot bring them to pay full price. I appreciate that about them. I really do. 

Long Distance Relationship

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. As you can imagine, I’m constantly looking for a new relationship. Okay. I like him  a lot but I am constantly fantasizing about strangers, mostly homeless people, they’re very attractive in LA. They just woke up one morning and missed their commercial audition and fell asleep in the street. I just imagine grabbing their face and making out with them, and I think that’s really making their day even more than a hot meal. I think I’m giving myself too much power. I love my boyfriend so much I decided to go and get his name tattooed on my back. I know most of you are like whoopsie daisy. And yeah, I’ve seen the () I know things. But my friend was like, what were you thinking? If you ever sleep with someone else, from behind, and they see that, I can just look back at them and say, hey this is the kind of commitment you can expect out of me. 

How do I Look?

Sometimes you don’t always know how you look until someone tells you ,and it’s usually not very nice. I enjoy being disheveled. I spend most of my time not showering. It would take less time to just shower. It happened to me, I was going to get some cereal at the grocery store and I walked right in and got them. And then the checkout guy he’s checking me out just sliding things across there, and out of nowhere the checkout guy goes “you play ball?” excuse me? There is just like, paid and left, that’ is like saying to a complete stranger, “your big just huge do you use that, you should, your a huge woman, do you play sports, you have very large hands you probably don’t need a bag get out of here,” 

I do Ride my Bike

I used to ride my bike everywhere. I got to LA and I was like I can totally ride my bike here. Until I realize that people in la hate hta. One Mexican guy liked it. I was biking to a show, trying not to crash as I was checking out my cleavage. And one Mexican an gentleman pulled up next to me like, hey do you need a ride, and so i put my bike in his van. I was three hours late. Three hours late to that show. I was biking to a show in la, and what people, people don’t think about it, when you’re on a bike nether nothing, oh okay see ya later. Don’t want to talk to you. People can just do whatever they want, and this man started coming toward me, maybe he’s crowing the corwws walk no he’s not he’s right there on my right, and goes “I want to climb you,” I was like what if that’s what I thought sex was, just like a little koala, clingy up a tree. Just like his head. Okay. 

Sweet Beth

Biking has been good for me. It helped me lose a little bit of weight. I was getting tired of people just getting a boner from my personality. Uh, I originally gained the weight because I was working in food service, and as you can imagine i was serving food right out my face, I had originally taken the job in food service for sexual harassment. It worked out great, after about a year I was dating my boss and at the Christmas party he annoyed my boss and my girlfriend they announced that we were having a weightloss challenge which sounds illegal, so I quit, and I remember walking home that day probably halfway done with the 40 I was drinking and I was like you know what I deserve a treat. I walked myself over to the cvs for dinner, i love sweets, they call me sweet Beth. One person calls me that. It was me, I just did it. When you check out at a csv there are tons of lady mags in the checkout, it’s an abbreviation for lady mag, and no matter what time of year it is they’ll be like get your bikini body ready. In that voice. And I just slid those hooters. I think I can settle, will you give me some waffles? Ready. Anybody here, an extra credit card here? There are three of us, more exclusive than I could imagine, when we three swipe our little red cards, millions of coupons come out. There is always one in here that I like one dollar off your next 1000 dollars purchase, expires tomorrow. I’ll be back, get some blank DVD. They always have sour patch watermelons 2 for 3 dollar they’re my sister’s face tire. There is a coupon in there for products I won’t use. Like men’s, jull axe body spray, like men’s products and CVS is saying to me, if you buy it he will come. I’d like a man with hair, thank you. 

Seasonal BIking

So when I lived in Chicago and I did ride my bike. I even biked through the winters. I had to bundle up, use layers. SO i biked up to this bus stop one day and this old man waiting for the bus leaned over to me, and said “excuse me sir, is the bus coming” I was like, I’m a girl. And then I rode away. So the rest of the winter, I was just wearing my bra on the outside. Making sure my dick was tucked in. that’s just a safety thing, it could get caught in my pocket. Gives you an idea of how big it is. When it was warmer in Chicago I could wear a lot less clothing, and I looked a lot more like a ghost dad. Hold on right up, and then I was at a curb and a Mexican gentleman, I don’t know what it they like about me, he takes one more step closed to me on the bike and just goes “sex” and I was just like “no,” really more of a song that we created together, it’s’ hard to ride away from somebody when you collaborate like that. 

Aunt Beth

SO i grew up in southwest Ohio, and it was a place called Dayton. And I got a call from my sister back home. I’ll leave if someone has a problem with Dayton. I left for a reason, yeah, some people don’t realize you can just put your items in a bag, and I did it. Choose a palace to go there. So my sister got big news from her. She and her boyfriend accidently planned a baby. So she was telling me that she’s only eating 300 more calories a day, to accommodate the lifeform in her body. Which blows my mind because I costume at least a thousand more calories during a pregnancy scare. And I’m always going for two. My sister has actually since had the kid, he’s very adorable. Everyone can be one, not everyone can beone, sorry to get your hopes up, yeah he was born, and then everyone said was very cute, he has my brother in laws brown eyes and my sister’s tiny penis, can’t wait to meet him. So, he was born. His name is Reed, I love going home to see him, and my mom and sister mostly because I like bringing home someone different every time, mostly to bmes with my mom. My mom is very uncomfortable with anything sexula  I think because she is a virign. Doesn’t stop me from playing a game called how many uncles is reed going to have. My mom is the type of gal who makes a lot of inverte sexual ideas, she’s the type of gal who goes to the dairy queen and orders penis brttiile, excuse me, mom you are the type of girl that need a penis brittle. She recently replaced my step dad with a dog named Nigel, and Nigel starts humping my leg, and me and my sisters are laughing. [2.36]

Obsessed with Far and Away

I’m kidding, I put my mom through many more awkward moments than that. I used to be obsessed with the movies far and away starring Tom Cruise and niticole Kidman, just me? This one is just for me then. I used to be obsessed with this movie. There is a scene where you might be able to see just a little of Tom cruise’s penis. Get into it. I realized that I was very in love with Tom Cruise at the age of 9 because we are the same size. I was wondering what it was like to be in love and feel something. And moy mom was tucking me in to go to sleep and I just held her head up against my head. For an extraordinarily long time. Until she goes Beth, what was that, until I faked being asleep and then I went into the bathroom and shaved my leg without any shaving cream or water, so there was a lot of bleeding. 

Mom’s LIttle Nigel and The olympics

So uh my mom left me one of the best voicemails of all time, it’s saved and will be forever, she called, she’s this elementary school music teacher, she’s left a voicemail that was just his “honey call me back I walked in the house after school and i was hit with a wall of pooh. I walked down into the basement, and nigel’s crate is full of pooh and diorama, honey i think i’m going to have to put him in the tub’ mom you raised three girls on your own and your needing me to tell you just put your shirt on over your nose and walk up the kitchen and get the fantastic from under the sink, i love how she needs me to tell her the perils of raising a puppy. It’s alright mom we’re all always learning. So my mom watched all of the polya csi this summer, i don’t watch a single olympic, she called and was like, honey uh, i think that what you do is so hard, that it should be an olympic event, and if it were you would win gold in women’s stand up comedy. Yes thank you, I’ll keep trying. 

Beth Control

So my sisters are getting married and having babies. Things like it’s wonderful. I have dreams, so i decided to go out and get an iud, it’s not a urinary tract  infection it’s an internal urinary device it goes right in the utern, so i went to my concentration and the lady was like everything looks good, but i didn’t know if you knew this but your uterus is actually tilted backwards, so what you’re telling me is that even my uterus is like umum, we’re good. I appreciate men that are very pro condoms. It’s a good thing to do. Sometimes when they’re really adamant about it, it’s like, don’t you think I’d be a good mom. It’s a little rude. 


Cabbage Patch Crib

My sister was always very good to me growing up except for the fact that they would never let me play with their cabbage patch crib, so one day I stepped right into that crib and pooped in it. It had to be thrown away. That tacit still works today. If you want something. Go ahead and poop in it. Uhh. 

Unburied Love

When I was in, uu When I was in fifth grade, I was in love with an older man. He was in 6th grade, and I knew it was meant to be because we rode the same ten speed bike. Then I knew it was even more meant to be when his older brother started dating my older sister. I was like this is it, better invite him over to my unfriend basement to play a game of mall amsddes, Things went really well, but he didn’t call and he totally could have because  my name was in the school directory. So in my sorrow I went out. I bought two goldfish and I named them Beth and Teddy and Beth died because you have to feed them but in order to save Teddy I put him in some filtered water and did some breathing exercise. It didn’t work, so what I did with the fish carcass was I put it in a jewelry box and wrapped it up with a little tape and kept it in my top drawer. Until my sisters found it and went immediately to my mother and we had a very intense talk about serious killers. And how maybe not to be one. 

Wedding and Water Parks

Um, our middle sister Hannah got married a couple years ago,and she asked me to be the maid of honor and I was , uhh , I don’t know , a lot of time and money and paris. And he is like Beth. This is like a once in a lifetime thing,and I was like a statistic disagree, I’ll be there, I’ll be there. . My apresentar divorced. They divorced when I was about three years old. And my two older sisters started visiting my dad in oldland Florida where he started living because it was court ordered. And I would still see him as an adult if he had something nice to say to me. I still remember getting off the plane as an adult and him being like hey b  looks like you got a little acme huh. Thank dad, then after my freshman year of college he was more like the freshmen forty. Well dad I eat because you left us. I haven’t washed my face since then citehr. Well actually I grew my boobs in college with ice cream, I won. My dad used to take us to this water park called Wet and Wild in orlando. Three people have lived. So wet and wild is home to the tallest water slide called the (), and one day we go and my stepmom is there she doesn’t on the water slide she’s too drunk, and we decide that we’re going to go together as a family so my cable goes down first, and he get quite a bit of water up his shorts, then my sister second and she in the height of puberty so she’s in a bikini orange, and when she goes down this two story slide her bikini top flies up and her chest is just exposed to hundred of water park on looks. Let me tell you now that ruined her life. I’m sittin at the top of the slide in my own piss my sister ‘s oldest one behind me yelling at me. I’m nine. I must be tall enough over here. The lifeguard over here, I’ll call him the lifeguard and watch me down. I have no time to cross my legs over my body as the sign specifically instructed. I was climbing hundreds of feet into this death trap. Water shot so fast up my crotch that I consider that day wet and wild the day I lost my virginity. I was nine,and I could have waited a year. With somebody that I loved. I’;ve recently worked up the courage to write a little letter to wet and wild to have them consider changing the name from the basrticka to the i just douched ya. Ben is a little more fitting. 

Visiting Dad

I would go see my dad more but flying is also awful. They have charged you for everything. It’s like 5 dollars for an aisle or 30o dollars for an exit row. You want me to give you 30 extra dollars to be a substitute air controller in case of an emergency, I think so. I think you should be paying me to be a hero. I will get these people off this flight down the slide to their death in an orderly fashionL the full body can see breasts. I was flying out of Dayton and the man in front of me was losing his mind. Just flipping out about the full body scan. Just like I am not going through I am not getting nuked, i regurese to get nuked. Excuse me sir I will go in front of you and get nuked so you know you won’t get nuked. OS i took all the robin eggs and skittles out of my pockets, and went through the scan and i just looked back at him like, ruff ruff. Which means everything is fine. I got on my flight, hew as heavily searched. I don’t think he made it on. So my father started his own business in Orlando Florida, it’s to collect stars on call, go ahead on staron call dor com, go ahead and give so many hits he doesn’t even know what that means. What is it, he dresses up in different costumes and stands. Street corner and sing to get people into that business. So he gets paid to do what crazy people do for free, and my dad has tons of costumes, just chock full in his grave so many that people think he’s usually having a garage sale. So yeah people will call him up and be like whey, i need a pizza man or chef big butt, and he’ll be like oh yeah chef big butt from three to five, i can do that, i’ll send a man wout. Always him, just him nonone else, no one else works for that company. So when I was there he called me out to living room around midnight. He said you’re going to want to see this, and I was like, am I going to want to see this? What I didn’t expect to see was 18 raccoons eating out of a huge throat with dog food in it. And he was like yeah I threw in some hershey kisses, cause even racoons deserve desert. And I was like, that I agree with. Yeah. That’s the only part I agree with. Okay so my dad is feeding rabies infected animals in his backyard. As you can imagine those numbers have skyrocketed exponentially. Then again it’s digits. He’s like don’t worry about it b, everynight i bleach the back. So what you’re telling me is that every night you’ve created for yourself an unpaid racoon internship. Go ahead and take back your life. My sister calculated how much he’s peeing on dog food, it’s 4000, she didn’t  calculate the hershey kisses. Apparently my dad was like we know it’s a problem. But on the off nights that it’s a night we don’t feed them they take rocks from the rock garden and scratch them up and down our bedroom window until we feed them. I was like, what. That is terrifying. And you need to call an extmaintor. Immaigley. But I didn’t think that the phone call would be like “hello yeah we have a little bit of a problem on our hands, these raccoons in the backyard, yeah 73m 73 back there how? Direct result of my actions. That is what it was’ so it’s far too expensive to examine these raccoons, so he’s trapping and releasing them into the wild. He makes his own traps. He calls me like I got everything under control. I’ve caught ek 39 raccoons. Two raccoons, a black cat and some possums and there are still a lot of them out there, big ones, so my dad has been transferring them in his cars, just in a cage with a blanket on it. And he’s like b did i tell you one of them got out in the car the other day, but i’m like do tell, so i can tell the world. He’s like well I had them in the cage and he was poking his fingers through just sounds like halloween. He went well thankful when he got in the driveway, pulled over and opened the back hatch and drove off. I knew exactly how that raccoon felt. So by the way, my dad is doing this transport in a geo, which is essentially a roller skate, so you can imagine how tiny the quarters are. So he gets down to the lead raccoon, his name is Snooker, this is a man in his 60’s, so he drops his cage off wherever he’s taking them, and he’s like he started following me. That’s when you run, and he’s like no, we’ve been friends for a long time. I just stood there in my swim trunks and she walked over to me and with his bare fingers he did this with my leg, as if you thank you. Yeah dad or like to say, here is some rabies. Thanks for ruining me and my close 72 relatives’ lives. You know aht doesn’t grow in the wild dog food and hershey kisses, he’s the worst. 

Basement Dad

So I didn’t grow up with my dad. My dad loves me very much but he wasn’t around, so I often imagine what it would be like to have those 6th grade sleepovers, and I’ve decided what my dad would be like if she was around when I was in 6th grade. He’d come down to the basement, he’d be like “why guys i noticed that some of the tostitos were missing, don’t hide it just divide it. Hey guys anyone listen to Sam adams, totally don’t do that, the vhs splash is upstairs everyone their own bad. Hey who won crowdfire really. Alright i’ll go up i’l;l go up, one last time, an idan guy a black guy and a gay guy who here has their period. I’ll right i’ll go up i”ll go up. I wish. 

Beth’s Pests

Wherever I live in whatever city I’m in, I’ll always have pests, lik in chicago i’ll have rats, just one rat, and I got home and my roommates were like yeah we have a really big rat in there, and in asl ike alright i’m going to leave came back 3 weeks later. And I knew the rap was still there, because someone had been trying on my sweaters, and the seat was still up and we were getting care packages from shredder. There was still no return address on those. When I lived in la my palace had a town of roaches. I found out we had them when I was eating some chicken wings and I found a little prize that had dropped out, but it was actually a tiny movie script that one of the roaches was writing. Chicken wings don’t give you prizes, they give you explosive diarrhea. The butter balls are sponsored by Guerlain and i”m sponsored by [?]

The Bachelor

One of my favorite shows to watch is the bachelorette. Yeah go ahead and judge me. When i watch the bachelorette i go to abc.com to watch it and i scroll through all the episodes to watch it that are vying for this one man’s love on national tv, jus so i can hear one of the girls say something like never in million years could i have imagined fallin in love this hard and this fast on national tv. I’m ready to spend forever with him, because I want to be there. Hey girl, if I were taking 3 helicopter rides and falling off the helicopter on some guy’s dickon the Bahamas, I could probably fall in love with my brother. And he’s 16.

The Longest Drink Order

So I live in LA now and it is wonderful. The people watching are fantastic . You get to play games like, is it her dad. I also witnessed the longest drink order ever, it was just one drink from a gal like this. I think we should get out of here. Can we get a drink? Can we get some white cream berries? Gimme some smirnoff so i can’t taste him. Make it! Make my drink. Shhhh. Is the kitchen still open? It’s my birthday. Where are all my friends? Phone toes my phone. No. NO. You, you’re a cutoff. I’m a trained impressionist. You have been such a wonderful crowd. 

The Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling

The Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling

I did not know who Garry Shandling was before watching the Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling. I didn’t watch either of his shows and I hadn’t seen him stand up. Buta four hour long documentary about a stand up comedian, sure I’ll watch that! 

This, like all of Judd Apatow’s movies, is too long. Four hours is unnecessary for this documentary that just basically goes over Shandling’s life. It features a lot of clips of Schandler that you might not have seen before even if you’re a fan of his, specifically a lot of extras from the dvd of the Larry Sanders show. It also has a lot of interviews with comedians that Garry mentored or came up with. Kevin Nealon says a lot in this film. Shandling himself is played by Micheal Cera, which is a little weird. 

For me the great aspects of this documentary are when it goes in depth to the lawsuit Chandelier had with his agent, and when it’s more about stand up as a scene. When Jay Leno talks about what Chandelier was like, it reveals more how little Leno seemed to know about Chandelier, and how they weren’t close, despite physically being in the same comedy clubs. The movie did a great job at showing why Schandliner created the Larry Sanders show. 

The other thing I appreciated was how it showed Schandler’s more neurotic tendencies, and more often abusive tendencies. But it didn’t go very far, and it never went into a lot of detail. There were interviews with writers where they would tell you that Schandler would keep them at their writing job for hours on end, but what did he say to them? There are tons of notes on every little thing, but why can’t we see Schandler actually being a harsh critic of these writers. It just seemed a little tame in it’s showing Schandler as hyper-critical. But it was relatable, as I’ve met comedians that I felt like what was described in the movie. 

The other that I thought the movie failed for me at was the central thesis. It goes back constantly to this moment in Schandlier’s childhood when his brother died and his parents did not tell him. Throughout the documentary we are told why he was motivated to do his shows and become a great stand up comedian. But for me, this highlights the weakness of biography vs autobiography. There are no revelations about this childhood incident, and there is nothing that Schandler says that shows that he’s grown out of that or has made significant progress in growing out of. So each time it comes up,and it’s not resolved, it feels like a waste of time in the documentary, or like a moment of showing Schandler’s weakness– one that’s we;ve been shown before in the movie. In an autobiographical work, just bringing up and reflecting on the innocent would be the progress that a story necessitates for me. 

If you’re into comedy I definitely think it’s worth watching, but as a movie I think it’s bloated. It’s like a timeline, and there are nonfiction works that are exhaustive in nature but still manage to tell a character’s story. Robert Caro’s books gives us a story with exhaustive detail. The Power Broker starts with a story– of Robert Moses quitting his Yale swim team, and this worked on, and the moral and reflection of this story is brought to bear throughout the book. Here we’re given a powerful story without a powerful character analysis, just an exhaustive timeline.

Mark Normand – Don’t be Yourself

Mark Normand – Don’t be Yourself

Greenroom: Mark and Amy

(knock on door ) one minute. (Amy: Mark, listen, I know what you’re thinking. It’s your first hour special and you’re thinking you’re not funny enough, and you’re not good looking enough to be on television.  And must you need to quit all of those thoughts you have every right to be here, and it’s not just that I’m producing it for you that you get to do it. It’s not just that your average height and weight are very forgettable looking. It’s not about that, it’s about comedy. It’s about jokes. Jokes that aren’t good enough that you’re about to tell. But I don’t need you to think about that. Don’t let anything get in the way up here. Cause you are better than everyone says you are. What are you going to do? Save your voice. You’re going to do so well. I don’t regret this, I didn’t try to back out.

Intro

It’s me! It’s me! What a great crowd. Yes! Thank you guys so much for comedy, welcome to one of the best knights of your goddamn life. We’re going to have so much fun tonight. I am so proud to welcome to the stage one of my favorite all time comedies. Please welcome to the stage, Mark Normand! Thanks, thank you, get out of here. Hey. Alright. How ya doing. Alright, Jesus Christ. 

Booze

Big event: I’m a little hungover. It’s amazing that we still can’t prevent a hangover. I’ve tried the water, I’ve tried the pills, nothing works. We can prevent children. We can’t prevent a hangover. At least some people want kids. I have never woken up and been like I’m really hungover, but you know what I want to keep it. I have to cut back on the sauce. I blacked out last weekend. Told my roommate and he was uhh, that means you forgot to brush your teeth last night. I was like wow, that is the least of my worries. I’m more concerned with the lipstick I’m warning and why I sent my mom a dick pick. Oh, a family plan. People always talk about how honest you are when you’re drunk. Oh get that guy drunk he’ll tell you anything. I feel more honest when I’m hungover. I’m drunk and I can lie all day. Cops are like you’ve been drinking, no way, when I’m hungover, that’s when I’m honest, my life  is in scalpels I have nothing to live for. My friend is like, hey do you want to get brunch, I’m like ehh, I’ve never liked you. Everything is a lie when you’re drunk, hey this is the best night ever and she’s super hot. a waste of time  spent too much money and that’s due. I guess I’m an alcoholic, if I’m going to be addicted to anything I guess alcohol, it’s just so easy to get. I guess that’s why alcohol is the only drug you put out with friends. Like cocaine, whoa whoa we all love Greg but that shits’ expensive. See I drink a lot, but I still get myself done. I’m what you call a functional alcoholic, any functional alcoholic. We get a bad rap, we’re actually harder working than everyone else, drunk. Bob showed up to work on time, well I slept here. Susie didn’t show up because she had the flu. Well, I have a disease and I’m keeping it a secret. Where is my plague huh. 

Planes, Trains, and Anxiety

I was hungover on a flight the other day. I hate flying, give me a train. I’d take an Amtrak anyway, no bag check no security, it’s like they’ve never heard of a terrorist. Flying is like a high maintenance girl, gotta get here an hour early, take your shoes off and do a body scan, Jesus Christ, good lord. A train is like a drunk chick, get a beer, get in here! No security on a  train whatsoever, you can walk on a train with 3 suitcases whatever, hey see something, say something, chew chew. This is how desirable trains are: they don’t ask to see your ticket until they’ve started moving. How much of a fuck can they give. Tickets please. I don’t have one. How am I going to get one now I don’t have any money. Enjoy Newark. I hate flying they’ve ruined. Every flight is an anxiety attack. Every time I fly I feel like it’s’ the first day of class all over gain. Just like single file line, book bag on, trying to find your seat then you finally get to your seta fill up on snacks then start farting. Then the flight attendant she’s like the teacher. Gives you a little lecture, seat belt seat belt. Then the pilot, he’s like the principal up in the office, gets on the loudspeaker, doesn’t want to meet him to know if you’re in trouble. Gits on there tell you can’t pee, I’m 32 years old, it’s not pee time, sit down. Christ. Good lord. Now you’re pissed, just waiting it up, like class, how much lodger how ,much longer. Plane lands the bells rings, you grab stuff fight your way home then your home to your see your mom. Alright, hey. Love a train. The only flaw of a train if you fall asleep on a train they just keep going. If you fall asleep on a train they don’t care. I wake up and I feel like a roofie victim. Where are we, what’s going on, who is he? It’s so dramatic you miss your stop on a bus or subway, you walk a couple extra block on a train, it’s like well guess I have to start a new life. 

Evil Brain

I don’t know, I worry about everything. I have horrible anxiety. Riddled with anxiety. I live in the city. Do you guys ever do this? Do you ever leave your house without headphones? Whew! Thoughts are not good. My god this whole time I thought I loved music turns out that I just hate my brain, just being attacked by this security playlist. You drink too much, you’re stupid, you’re going to die alone. My brain thinks too much, it attacks me like a bully. I’ll be at a party, everyone is hanging out having a good time, my brain will be like, hey you weird everyone is having a good time my brain is like, hey why aren’t you saying anything. You finally sat something your grain is like, why did you say you psycho. That’s what you picked. Shut up dummy. My brain never stops I can’t sleep at night, that’s why I hate these beds. How do you  sleep at night? What’s your sleep number? You think lack of comfort is what is keeping me up at night? You think that’s the problem? It’s the goddamn Japanese game show happening up here. C’mon. I need a Xanax and some self esteem. Comfort can sleep on gravel roads if I had  a good childhood. Yeah brain never stops that’s why I never got the guys who are like yeah I’m going to bed i8 can’t just go to bed. I have to pass out. You want me to lay in the middle of a room without underwear, that’s what screwed me up it the first place. Brutal. I don’t think I’m prepared. I wouldn’t say that. Although the symptoms of depression. Binge drinking, not getting out of bed, avoiding people, those are the things that make me most happy. They always show these committals some guy pops a pill and starts skydiving. Depressed guy in bed with a bunch of pizza boxes, that’s living. Awkward guy, very awkward. See that was tough. I’m working on it, it’s too intimate. I don’t know how you guys do it. It’s too much. I don’t know how you do it. Every time someone does it’s like well we’re in love now. Certain things are too much just words, like I love you. That’s too much. I can’t do that. I can barely say CrossFit. It’s too pretentious. I’ll take uhh muffins and screw it. Socially awkward. I know I’m socially awkward, so I asked my friend what his biggest fear is. He said losing his child. He was like what about you?, I said, accidentally hitting the facetime button on my phone. There are more terrifying moments in your life. I’m eating an old can of tuna. I have a year book open. Yeah too much. Oh yeah. I’m an introvert, introvert here. You guys rarely speak up. Not fun being an introvert, you have to get out there and fake it. Most[people like being around people, this is an introvert’s biggest fear, you’re leaving like hey I’m gonna take the train home, this guy is like oh yeah what train you’re taking? I was going to take the number 6, hey me too! Fuck! Damnit, back on the clock. Tough To be around people, day jobs i don’t know how you do it. Eight hours of this group then five o’clock rolls around, and someone is like hey let’s go and drink. More of this group no! This is unpaid overtime. Have you ever gone out to eat and there is someone eating alone? I know I’m living the dream. Just a weird brain I have, I want you to like me, but I’m scared of you. If you have a party, i want you to invite me, i won’t go, but if I’m not invited I’ll kill myself. This is where I’m at up here. And if you don’t get these jokes, just know your life is better than mine. C’mon mark, introvert you’re talking to 400 hundred people where. Well it’s pretty simple. I pre hersped this material.. It’s a one-sided conversation. You guys are the one just walking into the break room, beep boping scatting. You walking in like hey bob how was your weekend, how did you know how to say that. Holy Moley, what did you take an improv class? No, I have t5o prepare for everything. I see the break room 0 feet away. Alright how are you doing bob, Alright how are you doing bob, Alright how are you doing bob, Alright how are you doing bob,  fuck Jews! I’ve always been like this thank god you get away with humor. I remember one time at Thanksgiving we all had to say what we’re thankful for. I’m thankful for the roof over my head, my wife, but what are you thankful for? I was like, well honestly I’m thankful but I’m not attracted to kids. Wouldn’t’ that suck be a horrible life and everyone there is like whoa what the hell is that. And I didn’t get it, I was like I am not attracted, what is the problem. Then I got pissed, I’m the only one in here that is clearly not a pedophile. 

Lady parts

No you’ can’t’ always be yourself with people. Especially with women. That’ll put that right to bed. You know. I remember one time I was on a date with a girl, going pretty well, went back to her place, took out a condom, and she went who, who , where did you get that thing. I was like they were free at the bar. And she was like whoa that’s gross. And I was like well that’s where I got you. Still not sure why that’s offensive. I always bring my own condoms and don’t let the girl provide it. One time I forgot mine. And the girl was like, “I have one, she finds one magnum. Uhhh. dammit this went from a good time to a challenge. I was like alright let’s give it a while, she ripped it open threw it open and it fit it fit! That’s a man version of Cinderella. I was vellof the ball. It fits like a sweater on an axnorit girl. There are a lot of dating sites out there, I think guys like dating sites because it’s hard to approach a woman cold. Out of nowhere especially when you’re doing this. Tough move. Though move. That’s why I think women should hit on even more. You guys can say anything to us. One time a chick came up to me like hey I’m gonna kidnap you. Wow, I could never say that to a woman. I say that to a lady and she comes to the police. I am curious what a lady would say that would offend me. She could be like alight I’m going to take you home drug you, and have sex with you and film it. I’d like to at least let me pay for the uber. I’m just jealous of you gals. You have options the freedom to say no. if a girl goes on a date with a guy and he take out nazi memoribal she can say no. if i got out on a date with a girl and she takes out her Nazi maembriol I’m like I have to bang her and get the hell out here. You lady, you’re just so sexy. So hot. I just want to sequester you. I love it. This is how sexy girls are. We were having dinner once and the girl leaned over and was like, hey I’m not wearing any underwear. And I’m like why is that sexy. Has it ever been an obstacle. Has a guy ever seen a girl panties and been like whew it’s going to be a long night. Put a put on coffee on I can’t crack that code. You talk about a n article of clothing i can’t see and it’ turns you on. I can’t do this, I can’t lean over during diner and be like hey, I’m not wearing underwear. She’s going to be like uhh what happened. diaadia , laundry day, need a wet wipe what happened. Talk to me. I don’t know. Just tough to date now, we have no patient, we want everything immediately Uber tinder Netflix. We want quick sex whenis that going to happen. I was with a girl the other day, I finished early she was like what’s that. Well it’s’ the times we live in. I don’t have the patience for your vagina to be buffering. Lets go. Your an angel girl in a digital world sister. Pick it up. Yeah everything is different now, one time I sat down with a girl and she was like you don’t send dicks picks do you, and i was like no, and sahwas like good dicks are gross. And i was like shit that’s all i got. What the hell are you doing here if you think dicks are gross. I don’t get that through process you think it’s you put it inside you. I think coconuts are gross you see me eating one, it’s charming. I’m not a dick pic kind of guy i don’t think that my dick is real impressive to be seen on a phone. It’s like an indie band you have to see it live. 

Dating’s Weird, huh?

I was in a relation for like 11 years, now i’m out there scared alone facid. I learned all teh tricks of the tradea gain, the hard way, ti’s tough, like i learned when girls don’t like it when guys say sex on a dte, it’s liek saying bomb at an airpoort. Whoel thign shtus down, rwe all liek sex it feels goodthe onlyw ao to get the thing you want is pretend you don’t want it. What if jobs interview were like that, so mark why do you want to work here, who says i want to work here, just hanging out island taking it easy. I was on a date and i was like hey do you want to make, she was like uh grow up. Iw as like okay, anal? That’s older right. Yeah i learned the hard way a girl likes when a guy has a plan for a date, how did guys get stuck with that chore. Right, I had a girl ask me out once, we met up, she was like hey what are we doing, i don’t know what we are doing, she was like you didn’t plan anything. I’m like no. She’s like no, well you’re just as worthless as me. Why do I have to figure it out? I believe in equal rights, can’t we do this together? She was like, well it’s very manly when a guy plans a date. No it’s not, it’s just convenient for you, how is the manely, chopping wood is manly wrestling a bear is manley, there is nothing manley about tapas and bistros. C’;mon ladies you got that right to vote in the 20’s, use that on restaurants. I don’t know where to go just because I have a dick i’m zaggurt. Help me out. Manly, c’mon, I noticed that women only call things manly when they like. Oh he wants to bang my friends so manly, going bald so manly, ahhh. Maly too, where the credit for that, ah yeah. Tough to figure out what to do. We couldn’t figure what to do, we went people watching. That’s a new york thing to do for people watching. Shouldn’t we call it what it really is, people judging. I’ve never bene bird watching, oo i wonder if that sparrow knows he’s gay. That’s not a sparrow that’s a swallow. But hey, it’s gotta be tough today as a woman. That’s gotta be tough dating dudes. God that’s good to be awful, could get murdered could have a soul patch. But women can say stuff men could never say. Like, one time i was taking dinner with a girl and telling a story and she cut me off said, you know what i like in a guy, i like a strong silent type. What, could you imagine if a guy said that, what do you like in a girl, silence. I like a woman whose touch and shut the hell up. Kicked out society. I don’t know maybe it’s me, maybe I’m screwed up sexually. I caught my parents having sex within I was 8, 21 and today. Yeah. The idea of your parents having sex is so horryoifng. That’s why I’m surprised parente don’t use that as a threat. Hey Timmy, better clean your room. Me and your mom are gonna go to it. How was that math dtes Billy, I got an ad, I’ll show you some d. Yeah it’s tough out there i’m seeing someone now, but single life, that’s the real deal. People Are so condescending to single people. Aw you’re single. I’m sure you’ll find someone. We assume they’re lonely, but why do we assume singlehood is lonelier than being in a relationship. Feel like loneliness is eari to manage, eiser to get out of. If you’re in a bad relationship you’re like well i guess i gotta to kill her. Or him. My ex, she was tough, she was a real big femisnt, now I’m a feminism but she was annoying. She would alwaysways say stuff like men just judge us by our looks, what about achievement. Which is true we don’t do that. But women you do that to, We all judge women. Like one time she caught me flirting with another girl. What does hse look like, that was her first question, i was like whoa what about her achievements that’s a human being. When you’re single you miss love. It’s nice to have love. That’s nice. But that’ the thing, we all want the love but nobody want ost do the work, this’ kind of like a dog walker. We all want a dog but we pay someone to do the stuff you don’t want to do. Pick up the pop, walk it, wouldn’t it be great to have a girlfriend walker. Just some guy on the sidewalk with eight girls. Alright. Tell me about your day. Has to be some hypothetical. Gotta get your girlfriend back like, did she cyr, took awhile but she cried. A lot of women hate that jokes, which is how you know it’s real. Maybe I’m just being bitter. Bringing out my last girlfriend dumped me said I wasn’t manly enough for her, wasn’t a manly guy. I didn’t think women were allowed to say stuff like that. How come a woman can say that, yeah that guy is good with his hand he can fix stuff, but a guy is like yeah i like a woman that can cook. It’s not the fifty, how come I can’t say that. Also who doesn’t like someone that can fix stuff around the house. I’d love to come home and my girlfriend is like hey I built a deck. Alright, I’ll do laundry. See I think women are just so smart, because you guys made your gender roles offensive. Yeah that was very clever. Well played. Guys how great it would be if we got offended. You wake up at 5 am, hey I heard glass breaking, well it’s not the fifties you go check it out. I will say this, I’m sick of good looking people. I’m done with you, men and women. You think everything you say is interesting. I went on a date with a good looking chick once, it was boring. She had nothing to say and no personality. And I checked out at one point, and she was like I can tell you don’t like me but you want to sleep with me. And I’m like yeah that’s your fault. She was like screw you, I’m more than just a face, and I’m like yeah but that’s all you worked. Your hair, your makeup, your routfit, get a goddammit knock knock joke together. I don’t get these good looking people. They spend all their time on their looks, none on their personality, why wouldn’t you work on that too? Before I go on a date everyone goes, how do I look, no one is annoying. Isn’t that more important? That’s what you should worry about, I know I’m not a hot guy. Before a date I’m writing jokes on my hand, limericks, and anecdotes. I’m bringing it. I’m tapdancing up there. Right. Yeah. C’mon I’m working on it. Like my girls is funny but not that hot, I know that’s why I’m funny. I gotta fill in the gaps here. I’m not one of these guys like hey looks don’t matter, it’s about the insides. We all want to be attractive and have other people find us attractive. Hate when people lie about that. I was  at a party once, that caitlin Jenner, she’s kind of weird looking. And this chick is like hey she’s beautiful, and i’m like well you kind of look like her, and she’s like fuck you. 

God Hates Gags

Yeah ex girlfriend was Jewish, big ol Jew, yeah we dated for a while.. Just found out my ex girlfriend is getting breast implants. That’s on me, I like the term breast implant, I don’t like the term fake breast, cause the break is still real, it’s just the shit inside that’s fake. Kind of like the bible, the book is real, it’s just the sthi inside that’s fake. Boy the bible, what a buzzkill. They don’t like anything fun. They hate gays, they hate trans people, that’s going to be great when people are so sexually advanced that it’s not even in the bible. I love having sex with my robot, god is just like allright. I know some people get mad when you make fun of their relation, if you believe it just believe, i believe in gravity if someone is like, gravity is not real, alright good luck out there. C’mon I don’t know religion just seems silly, who needs god we have google. We’re good. He writes back. Feeling for over the  year. 60 years ago rock and roll was considered the devil’s music now there is chiristian rock. Wells ah the hell happened there what if we wait long enough they just join in. what next if we just wait long enough there will be Christian gay pron., I don’t mean to bash shit, i just don’t think people really blieve, id on’t think you really buy it. We were brought up with it, I went to catholic school. I don’t think people believe it, the devil really? Some guy with horns pitchfork, waiting for you, the most evil thing ever, we’re too casual about it, we have food named after him, devil food cake, devilled eggs, we have a hockey team named after him, the new jersey devils. We would never name a sports team after something real and evil. Never had the detorid ISIS coming at you. We’re gonna give him hell. Hey holocaust, slavlery softserver, can’t get the swirl cn’at mix the colors. It’s actually real evil. The most evil thing ever. Too casual about it, we say hey speak of the devil where’s greg. Comaptin greg to the most evil thing of all time, willy nilly, you’d never do that with something real and evil. Hey speaking of jared fogel there’s Greg. Hey, no. I hate kids. Must be comforting to really believe something. I am really tired of religion. I prayed nothing would happen. Zero results, zero. I feel like we let religion slide because it’s free. If you had to pay for religion once a month like Netflix, you’d be like well this shit isn’t working. I’m going to try that agonistic network just once, at least that’s free. 

When I Grow Up

Just putting my thoughts out here folks, i know weird, you guys are nice some guys don’t take it as nice. I got called a douchebag at a show recently. That’s a fun word, douchebag. Because the insult is more popular than the actual product. I don’t know anyone who has ever used a douche. What is a ziplock? I feel bad for the guy who invented the thing. What is a guy in the 1800’s? I did some research on it, apparently it’s bad for you. So apparently the guy who invented it, kind of a douche. That’s the thing, I’m getting older. I gotta get it together. Getting older is tough, everything falls apart when you get older. A year ago I started losing my hair and started taking propitiation. Cannot get an erection you remember. This girl i was dating at the time, was like hey you gotta get off those pills i’d rather you have an erection thaan hair. Which is nice to hear but it only works when you’re dating someone. Like if i was a bald guy that hit on her on the bar, hey can i buy you a drink, nah i’m good, ah, i have a boner. Hair loss is scary. I don’t know if women realize how much dudes think about that. I was telling my friend I was worried about hair loss and he was like I know what you’re going through, I’m going grey. I was saying, well changing colors i s a lot differe43nc than losing something. That’d be like if I went on the beach the other day and was like, a shark attacked me and my friend was like, I feel you man, tan linie. Yeah. Being an adult it’s tough, you can tell that being an adult is hard just by the abbreviations we use. Lol, omg, brb. When you’re an adult you like shit, I got dui. Dmv, irs is up my ass, i got a uti, my ibs is kicking in, i might have a std, some kid is like tmi and your like f you. Everything kind of changes when you get older. My brother had a kid that’s crazy. Everyone wants to play with the baby and touch the baby, I find babies fancision. Because babies are the only thing that comes out of another person that the stranger wants to hold. You know everything about that, anything else comes out of humans, it’s like wow this dinner party is over. But a baby we’re all about. Weird we live in such a germinatiopohibic culture you sneeze on a person he wants to kill you, vainga most gooch gooch goo. Something to think about. There are some perks to getting older, I think older women are sexy, anyone here has been through menopause. Might be a younger crowd. I’m very ignorant on this stuff, you ladies keep a lid on this stuff. My aunt is going through menopause right now. She’s bummed out, she’s depressed. I thought that’d be a good time, years of discomfort over, c’mon sister you’ve graduated time to move that tampon string to the side. Right. Why ain’t that a party,where that facebook invite, hey aunt marie stopped  bleeding every month, everyone in the pool! Yeah. I’m just being myself, people tell you to be your sfl your whole life. That advice sucks. Every Time i’ve been myself, I’ve been fired, kickin the balls, dumpered whatever, do n’t be yourself, yourself is naught, you’re  naughty. That’s why whenever you walk into an elevator alone, no one else in there, uuu i’m in there myself, i can be weird, no one else in here, yeah alright, some other guy walk in there i’ve got a boner i’ve queefing. You have to adapt and go back to society, you know. People tell you to be yourself at the worst time, hey you got a hot date tonight mark, just be yourself. Arlight. You’re sitting at dinner, she’s just like what you’re thinking about, well, just thinking you know. Rarely shee any female pedophines. Which is probably for the best because they can make their own kids. Just being me. Worst time hey you got a job interview just be yourself, you r in some office some guy is like so mark what’s your worst quality. Well I always start msagbating when I’m already late for something. Jesus christ, quite a curve ball there, got asked now. Now what’s your best quality? Pretty fast masbate. I don’t think we’re going to need you here to build a bear. Thank you. I like phony phony is underrated, it gets a bad rap, why does that get a bad rap. Phony makes the world go round. Waiters. They don’t care about you, they’re being phony, it’s nice. The phonier they are the more you tip. Nice hotels, come on in sir, we’re so glad you came, i couldn’t’ give a rats ass about you. We pay top dollar for phony. I don’t want a stripper who is authentic. Get a lap dance, yeah you like that, well i’m just trying to get my kids back. Go back! 

MIddle East Stinks

I’m trying to do new stuff, trying to mix it up. I went to the middle east to perform for the troops. And I have to tell you that place sucks. Let me tell you guys, they’re behind the times, it’s rough. They hate jews they hate gays, they don’t let women drive. That one isn’t bad. It’s rough. Holy moly. Ik was over there with a friend of mine, very open gay guy. We almost got in like ten fist fights. It’s weird because the men over there hate gays but they also hold hands, so it’s a weird thing for your brain to compute. Hhey get out here faggot scome here tom. Yeah i got real bummed out i was over there too long i got so homesick i googled the bald eagle. True story, fun fact, the most common way the bald eagle dies is that it gets hit by a train. Yeah it swoops down to eat a carcass on a  train track and can’t fly away and the train hits it. What’s more american than that? We’ve all been there. You go to a buffer, eat too much aa just fuckign kiill me. Yeah they put all the performers up in this little condom in the middle of the desert. I didn’t feel safe at all. They locked it with a chain lock. Who feels safe with a chain lock? I don’t get to lock it like yeah i want to keep criminals out but i also want to ideate them, give them a couple inches. Seems like a prank rather than a safety feature. Hey i think this guy left the door unlocked hey what a rascal. 

Gay Old Time

Yeah. i hate to throw around the f bomb any gays guys here tonight, thanks for coming out, literally. I have a gay roomoate. I feel like gay peopel and poor people have a lto in comon, we’re both born tah way. Women just want to be our friend, and when you finally tell your parents they’re like yeah we knew. I went oth e gay preide parade a coupel weeks ago, yeah still sore. They have those homographic guys out there with the signs. How much do you have to hate a group to make a sing. I’ve never made asing my whole life. I feel bad that these people are prejudiced and productive. The marker on poster board. Ironically the group you hate the most would like to jazz up that poster. Every singe too god hates fags god hate fags. Every sign. That’s not threatening, who’s afraid of god. I’d be more scared of a sign that says bill hates fags, shit is bill here? Is that bill? Bill is real. What creative of gay was like sign trhat is gay igainst kids. I like seeing a gay coupel with a kid. You know that kid isn’t an accident. No gay couple could get that fucked up. Oh shit what happened last night did we rob an orphanage? Jesus christ, holy hell. We got lay off the mojitos. Yeah. give gay couels kids. You know who shouldn’t have kids, poor people my parents are poor i’m comedian red flay. So weird in this country you have to be 25 to rent a car, 14 to have a kid. Have to have a credit card to rent a car. Give the owner a commercial break. Hey, I’m 24 . Can I rent a car? Yeah but i own a car and ih ave two jobs, but a kai sorenti that’s big repsionaility.l i just got an email from a gay guy taht has a crush on me. This guy is hot, he’s a ten. Smoking. Bummer that i’m not gay. A hot gay guy with a cursh on you is kind of liek finding a million pesos, aw man, i can’t do mucha bou this now, but if i ever cross this line ill be set. Yeah, come a long with the gay a full 180, now you get as much with being homophobic as did 60b years ago. You tell your mom your gay she’s liek great, you tell your mom your homophobic she’s like don’t tell anybody. It’s’ all flipped what are the kdis agoing to say on the playgorudn when i was a kid gay was the number wone insult, now waht, hey look at bill, haah he runs like he doens’t belivein same sex marraige, waht abou tbob he’s never lbown a guy what a bpussy. Sometimes i wish si aas gay. I got fired from my last job for sexual harassment, I told a woman she had nice legs, and they fired me. Which pisses me off becuase my gay friend get away with murdger. Hey shelly how are you, honk honk hwy is that okay well she’s not attracted to women. I can’t go to apply ground hey timmy heey. I don’t get stuff like that, you’re a woman,we wouldn’t rather be complicated by someone who’s into you. I don’t want to be complimented by lesbains. Nothing giants them it’s just like hey thanks you have the same haircut as me. 

White People Problems

Yyeah when iw as at the gay pride parade, i went with a frined I knew this guy twlewe years. He decided to come out at the parade. I had no idea he was gay. When your friend ocmes out of the clsoet your first thought is  holy hell how many gay jokes have i made aroudn this guy? Twelge yeras that’s a lot of jokes,m and i had a guy in the crowd be like what you make gay jokes do you hate gays, no you idoit i just make fun of whose not around. I’m not prejudiced, I’m a coward. When Jeff isn’t here we make fun of bill. I don’t hate him, he just wasn’t here. What do you make fun of black people are racist? No, i just didn’t see any, right, i wish i didn’t see you. Brutal. Times we’re licing i feel liek we’re so quick to call people racist, mysoniis homophobic. We throw these out willy nilly. I was at a party once, that last name and that’s koran some guy goes it ‘’’s chinese you racists. I just got it wrong i don’t hate them. We don’t do that with other stuff. What are those tuples? They’re lit lait you botanist son of a bithc, my eye on you. I love flower esi have some. You can just say a race and people get upset, iw as one a show once, going yeah a friend of mien a black guy some guy yelled out hey, why doe she have to be black, well mostly his fucking parenst, pretty sure it’s’ heritary. I don’t get why we’re so sensitive about certain groups and cultures. You can’t make generalizations. Different quality, different artists, that was the fun part, I made a hacky group about Mexicans and landscaping and this guy in the back went not all of not all of them, your gentalizing man, alright fair enough, but why don’t they ever do that with a positive generalization. “Hey mexicans are very resilient people, hey not all of them. You’re generating buddies. You do it with dogs, hey chihuahua than golden retrievers yeh that’s true, but if your life tialitan punches more women than asians everyone is like, uhhh. Why are you mad at me? Seems like the only group you can make fun of now openly in public is children. You can say whatever you want about kids, don’t bring  your kids around, i’ve killed a few. Say whatever you want about kids, imagine a show called jews are the darndest high, would never fly. How ya doing slow mo, we are chosen. Great show. Yeah, I guess you’re allowed to make fun of kids because we all were kids for a while. It can’t be like, hey screw you you can’t make fun of mexsican i was one for 18 years. Alright. Get out of my hair, and I believe in equality. I just make jokes, what happened to jokes. I believe women should be paid as much as men. I walked in to the office one day and this woman was crying her eyes out, she sai di saw the paychecks. I want to be treated like a man,well you want to be paid like aman, we don’t treat each other well. If you were treated like a man, someone would walk in and be like what are you doing bitch. Rachel is pussy rachel is puccy. Treated like a man, that would mayhem, shelly how are you, vagina flick. What are you nuts, we’d have to get rid of sexual harassment laws for tittie twists, handgreidate swipes coming at ya. Ladies, you want to move Ferdinand and kill a spider. Why would i don’t either. We’re very hung up on treating all the groups the same. But the difference is the fun part, we do that with black people don’t white people all the time. You hear that, we should treat black people and white people the same, we should have the same rights but we shouldn’t be treated the same. We got different shit going on, you see a black guy with a gold ring, purple suit, hey, cool. You see a white guy his jewerly matches his shoes, hey he’s gay. Differences. If I’m driving around with my white friend we get pulled over. Hey, where’s the insurance? If I’m driving with my black friend, why i’ll do all the talking? Thank you. Ture. if i see a white guy see a black guy the n word, well gonna get ugly, if i see a black guy calls me the n word i’m over the moon. What a great feeling c’mon. 

Everyone’s Offended! 

We’re in a time now that you just mention a race and people get angry. Well why did your brain go to a bad place. It’s never a good place. Like i was at a show once, i was telling joke pence, yeah jew a black guy and mescian walk in a bar and this guy goes hey hey hey i was like screw you, look at that diversity, these guys are hanging out it’s a hell of abr, hell of thing, enver the good, always so offended. That’s the adult way of i’m telling. Got to be pc now, i’m all about progress but why does adding subs to a word make it smarter. It used to be stupid now i’t slearnign disliatlity, it used to be retarted now it’s mentally disabled. Can’t keep up with the pc. It’s’ all just a gesture noone of it means anything. Some pc i like, like native american. They’re not from India, why are we calling them that? Native american. Great i’ll say that. Safircna american i don’t have african american friends i have black friends. I don’t have cacusion friend i have relatives. None of it adds up, where is all the black canadians. We don’t know what we’re saying anymore. Idris elba amazing african american actor, well he’s british, what the hell are we doing. It’s’ just whtie people you’re nervous we’re scared. We don’t want to get fired or offend, you could corner a white guy on the sidewalk now with a microphone and a video camera, what color is ray charles, uhh he’s blind. What’s his ethnicla piano player, what color is his ski, i got kids man. Coming to my home now. Oh my god, it’s bananas it out of control why are we so obsessed with skin color. Why si ksin the one part of the body we can’t judge teeth gross. Red head, gross. Everything is judged by color he’s a blackbelt, red state he’s got pink eyes. All color. Why is skin so important? I think it’s because you can’t change your skin color, you can change your hair color with a trip to CVS, your girlfriend comes home blonde, you’re cool, your girlfriend comes home black your life, what the hell happened. You can even change genders now, get surgery, take pills, caitlyn jenner cool. What was that girl who changed races, Rachel dolenzo? Where like yeah nice try bitch. We all want to be black get in line whitei, can’t just go black in your 30s to converient. I can’t just step over and be like get that bigger dick. Take the good with the bad you know. I don’t know. I just don’t how you hate a whole group. I hate specifics about people. Like people who drink rockstar or believe in ghosts, people who say it is what it is, but racism is alive and well now, just then in knoxville tennessee you guys ever been there, what a shit hole. They are 30 years behind over there, you ever go to a town so small that they’re still racist towards certain white people. Like hey don’t go over there that’s where the dirty irish live. I was like jesus christ you haven’t made it to black people yet, my god you’re far behind i’m in new york we’re past arbas, lets go. Yeah i’m from the south so i’ve seen it all, the south has a weird reputation we’re known for being racist and hospitality. Weird combo, like every white sitting around like ah crap we got a couple of black guys in the neighborhood. I got to get a pound cake. Yeah very risky to make jokes now, being racist now is very risky. You lose your job and get ostraisexz. Being racist is very risky now, you could lose your cjob. Make healdings, that’s why if someone is racist around you know you know they trust you. It’s this weird bittersweet moment like, you’re on a smoke break with someone, like I can’t stand Mexicans like holy hell that’s wild, but we’re close. I feel like racism and smoking are a lot alike. Like in the fifty everyone did now i know is’ bad but some people just can’t quit. We should treat racist like we treat smokers, you’re at your job someone is trying to tell a racist joke hey you should take that outside. Just a bunch of guys like goddamn jews. I don’t take those racist breask i get cranky, you go to a restaurant, hey do you want the racist section or the non racist, well we’ve had a few drinks better go racist. Alright well your funeral, the kitchen is heavily hispanic. Saw a thing on the news about neo naxi, neeo nazi wahat crazy concep, do you really need the ndeo. You get neo in there. I think you’re cool. Also what are you going to your 22 i know your not a n og nazi. Also you’re a hate group. You need a new hip name. Other hate groups don’t do that. Hey we’re not the kkk anymore, we’re k^3. New sheets, high thread count. That’s where we are at now, everything is tense, white privilege that’s’ a term you hear now. I was at a grocery store with a friend of mine,a black guy stole a candy bar, and got a real rush from it. Yeah. i love stealing, what do yu call it when you love to steal, clepto, yes, what’s teh one where you have sex with dead bodies, necro i’m that to. So yeah I steal the candy paari outside, my friend goes white privilege, nah, this was a robbery. If I had gotten caught and gotten away with it, that would have been white privilege. This is me being an amazing thief. And he was like  nah nah white privilege, he didn’t follow you around the sote he followed me around the store, well that’s why i brought you. This wasn’t diversity, it was a diversion, but you know we have to keep with the lingo. Pc. pc feels very phony to me. It’s’ bullshit, you can tell it’s’ bullshit, because you don’t use them in an emergency. People are hurt. You don’t have time to be progressive. Gotta save some lives, liek if you see a chinese person run over a black guy in a car accident, your not going to be like asian american got an in accident not because they’re bad driver, and he ran over an african american man who was crossing the street slowly not because they do that, you got to do come quick the guys drowning n a pool of his own blood not because they can’t swim. Now the guy is dead you’ve killed him thanks so much!

Paul Mooney – Masterpiece

Paul Mooney – Masterpiece

Masterpiece is Paul Mooney’s second album, which he put out a year after his first, according to Google Music (god only knows how accurate that is). Paul Mooney is underrated, especially among white comics. He is just absolutely impressive. He’s able to craft one liners that hit the core of huge topics. He doesn’t shy away from talking about social issues, but doesn’t “tell you how it is” with a long monologue. He tells you how it is by making the quickest, punchiest joke he can. An example of this from a joke about crack. “This shit wears niggers out too hard, this shit was created for us, this shit was created to make niggers tweak. Something in the nigger blood or something, this shit, these niggers, I got a cousin that does this shit so much, niggers 20 years old and talking to flies. Don’t kill me, that’s Pete, that’s Pete, that’s Pete. Motherfucker, this is a fly.” His calm demeanor while delivering jokes brings a sense of uniqueness to them. 

There is an extended bit about the OJ Simpson trial. I imagine that during the trial, that was a hot topic for stand up comedians. As I was only one year old when this album came out, I didn’t follow the trial with any great detail. But the jokes on this album are still great. There are 14 tracks in total about OJ Simpson, each hitting on a different aspect. Along with a Michael Jackson joke, almost every comic has an OJ joke. Mooney’s extended OJ bit hits everything and does it with a well-written elegance that other jokes lack.  

My favorite joke on this album is a more whimsical one, titled “Psychic Dionne.” He gets into this immediately: “Dionne Warwick, a psychic? Who would have thought?” The aggressive nature of how he says this, and then going into what a ridiculous idea it is, sells this joke. It’s a quick 40 second thing and feels completely off the cuff. 

This is one of those albums you need to listen to if you love comedy. 

Katt Williams – Pimp Chronicles Vol. 1

Katt Williams – Pimp Chronicles Vol. 1

Katt Williams is crazy. You look him up today and what you’ll get is that he just slapped a Target employee. That’s wild. I mean it’s not Tracey Morgan crazy, but still. My girlfriend and I watched the Pimp Chronicles Vol. 1 the other night, and even though it’s from 2006,  it holds up. Williams’ energy on stage is impressive. His jokes are entertaining, but have substance behind them. 

Pimp Chronicles is one of his earlier stand up specials. One of the most striking things about Williams is his hair. In every special, he does it in a new wild way. Besides his hair, ten minutes into the special and the most striking thing about Williams is how much sweat is on his face. Williams is constantly moving during his shows, and his physicality brings a huge amount of depth to his jokes. During one scene, he falls to the ground and slaps the stool for effect. In another joke, he slumps on the ground, falling onto the stool. In another joke, the stool becomes a child that a woman is beating in a grocery stool. It’s wildly inventive. 

WIlliams’ performance is not the only amazing part of this special — the writing is also precise. “I know a lot of comics come on stage and say you need to beat your kids, but as a father, let me just say publicly: maybe we should stop beating our kids… publicly. We are tired of going to the grocery store to see you beat your motherfucking babies. That is a toddler, your baby is supposed to like Skittles!” Williams is able to take the relatively heavy topic of beating children and bring a lightness to it that you don’t see in many other comics. He’s able to point at an actual issue without making it heavy. 

It’s unsurprising that Williams rose so high so quickly. The surprising thing about Katt Williams, to me, is that we don’t list him frequently with the greats. He uses every trick there is in stand up. He has wordplay in his jokes he’s telling through a character. 

Dane Cook – Retaliation

Dane Cook – Retaliation

Before I say anything else, let’s talk about how this album is almost two hours long. His second joke is called “Struck by a Vehicle,” and people have said that Dane Cook steals parts of this joke from Louis CK. This was before Louis CK was as famous as he was when he pulled his dick out. Don’t you love comedy? Like, Louis CK becomes the next biggest comic after Dane Cook, and then he claims Cook stole his jokes, which is a big part of Cook’s downfall. Then CK’s downfall is pulling his dick out? Honestly, I’d rather steal jokes. But also, this album is close to 2 hours long. Why would he have to steal jokes when his album is already way too long? The jokes are very similar, though. Here is comedy genius and overall great dude Joe Rogan explaining the feud and playing the jokes back to back. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKaq5vL2TrY 

Cook starts with a bit where he compares the crowd to dating. It’s interesting. It’s very upfront, and one of the most direct breakdowns of comedy possible. I think this upfrontness is necessary, because most of his audience is unfamiliar with comedy. For one thing, they don’t know comedy enough that they’d see this as too on-the-nose. Secondly, that introduction part is delicate, because they don’t know what to expect if they’ve been to a live comedy event before. Aside from the jokes, there are a few things that immediately stand out, and the first is the audio quality. He sounds far away. There is almost an echo to the recording. Also, the album cover is Cook with a sword. It looks like a Nickelback album cover. 

Once again, this album is too long. There is too much to talk about in terms of individual jokes. Throughout the album, Cook uses loud noises to prove points and highlight story moments. There are callbacks to jokes that he did on the previous album. He mentions that he was at the BK lounge, then goes on to do one of the most forgettable jokes on the album. There are two things about this joke. One is that he deals with a heckler, and even just listening to the album, it’s really tense. Dane Cook really reprimands the guy without doing it in a very funny way. The other weird thing about the jokes is how he says sandwich. No one seems to be laughing at this, but he says it like sangwich. I don’t know why he does this or if it’s a Burger King thing, it’s just weird. At the end of this joke, he ends his set, but then the album keeps going. 

On this album more than the last, Cook is more sexual. He casually mentions getting blowjobs in jokes, or talks about dating. These topics didn’t come up on his previous album. His last album was loud and silly; this one is more loud and sexual. The silly jokes that came from his life experiences are the ones that people remember the best.

Nate Bargatze – The Greatest Average American

Nate Bargatze – The Greatest Average American

Nate Bargatze filmed a special during COVID. I’ve been a little bit surprised at how fast Bargatze has been able to turn over specials — about every two years. Right now he’s on tour with all-new material. The Greatest Average American was filmed outside, and people were socially distanced. 

He hits topics like having to help his daughter learn Common Core math. I think this joke starts in a pretty banal place, where he talks about how he doesn’t understand what he’s supposed to teach his third-grade daughter. But then he goes on about Youtube, and how weird it is that children are able to make a ton of money on there. It’s something I haven’t heard a comic like him talk about. 

This doesn’t come off as the tightest special of Bargatze’s, but it’s unique for him in that there is more energy to it. He comments on the crowd and on things that are happening in the moment more freely than I’ve seen him before. When a helicopter flies overhead, he comments on it. 

This special feels like a holdover — something for Netflix to put out while there is not much new standup happening. It’s a little strange though, seeing that there are specials they wouldn’t buy this year like the Mark Normand and Joe List Youtube specials. But this special is good and appeals to a broader age range than those dudes.

Little Witch Academia

Little Witch Academia is Studio Trigger’s all-female Harry Potter. There have been a lot of Harry Potter knockoffs, but this one has its own sense of style, own plot and is by far the most enjoyable. 

The animation has moments of being interesting, flashy, and cutting-edge. Unfortunately, it also has moments of being boring, stale and unmoving. But usually it’s fun enough to look at, and the good character designs that are different than other magical girl anime and interesting setting mean that there is always something to look at, weather it’s an interesting background detail or an expressive emotion. 

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