This game is balls to the wall, batshit insane from start to finish. But also, I don’t remember much of what was actually insane about it. I’m sure it was crazy when I played it, but I don’t remember. It did not stick with me. It has that quality of a game where it just passes through me without leaving anything behind. That is to say, Devil May Cry 5 is not a game you will be purchasing at a Things Remembered mall shop. Nor will you purchase any other game there, though, as they are an engraving store.
There are three characters you get to play as. The one you start with is Nero. He’s your basic bitch; he does what a main character in a video game is supposed to do. Compared to the character you get later on, he feels particularly banal. V is my favorite character to play as, and he feels the most unique to this game. He controls a tiger looking thing, a hawk and a giant stone looking thing. Playing as him was a more unique experience, as I can’t summon a bird in games like The Last of Us 2 or Final Fantasy 7 Remastered. This is why I gave those games negative reviews. Here on my blog, we all know that I’m an intense bird lover, and the only way to receive a 5 star rating is by including heavy bird content.
The pacing of the game is perfect. It’s broken down into about 25 chapters that range from 30 minutes to an hour to complete. As a person with a) a minimal attention span and b) a knack for putting games down for months on end only to pick them up later and expect to be able to know what is going on, this game is perfect.
The combat is complex and fun. The interchanging between weapons makes it feel like there is always something new to do in the moment-to-moment gameplay. I am not the type of person who likes to master gameplay, which I believe these ‘character action’ games are meant for. But even so, the inclusion of a bird in combat was enough. It is enough. Just include more birds in your game and then you will be a millionaire, that is what I say to the game developers.
Ladies and gentlemen, New York City. Please welcome Todd Barry.
Oh wow, thank you. Thank you for that big live album style applause. We’re already off to a great great start. Holy shit this place Is packed out. Let me tell you what I’m going to be doing tonight, I’m going to be doing a mixture of really old shit that I’m tired of. Spiced up with some things that are too new to be performed but I’ll do them anyway. I guess what I’m saying Is that what I’m about to do Is a really shitty show for you guys. And thanks for coming out. Time to do some masturbation jokes.
I saw a guy masturbating at an automatic teller machine. Yeah. I was totally silent and grossed out at first. And then I realized, hey there have been times when I’ve checked my balance and I find wow, I got a little more money than I thought, and you want to celebrate, but you just got to count to ten. Take a few deep breaths and move the celebration to another location. You gotta resist the temptation of those slutty bank machines.
Some guys go crazy with the masturbation. I was reading this thing on Autoertic affixation. Some guys actually choke themselves with a belt while doing It. I read 800 men a year die from doing this. I was like, 800 a year, no way. Then I remembered how many times I nearly killed myself from just conventional masturbation. Just regular old meat and potatoes, mom and pop, missionary position masturbation. Has almost sent me to that little old lonely Ramada Inn room In the sky. Now I travel, and I’ve masturbated in every hotel chain, and I’m here to tell you, Ramada Inns are the best hotels to masturbate in, and no I’m not being paid to say that.
Moves In Neighborhood
They’re always making movies In my neighborhood. And the filmmakers have very cute throats. They put a sign In my neighborhood, “We’re making a movie In your neighborhood, could you cooperate and cancel all your deliveries’ ‘ Okay. Hello drug store. Could you hold off on delivering my perspective. Yeah I don’t want my heart medication Interfering with the big Keith O’sutherland coming back. Nah It’s going to happen. It’s– don’t fucking delvier that shit.
I grew up In Florida. Friend of mine took his first trip down to Florida, went to Disney World. He came back complaining that It was tourists. I was like, oh man don’t tell me that. The tourist found out about Disney World? Dman. That used to be my secret. Me and the guy after school used to rush over to the magic world, pay the 95 dollar admission fee. I try to avoid the tourists here, that’s why I go to a place called Planet Hollywood. Check It out If you want to hang with the townies and the locals.
I hated Florida, the only good thing about Florida, great air conditioning everywhere. I meet people every summer In New York who tell me they don’t like air condition they’re like “I don’t like air conditioning, It’s not natural,” and I guess I see their point. I mean what Is air conditioning, just a definite solution to a problem. It’s hot In here. Click, now It’s cool In here. Oooh you’re right this does suck. You know It reminds me of that time I was hungry and I ate that food. That shitty statifiesed feeling. Who needs that, It taints naturally. It tatint. Hear my sophisticated voice.
I even go to bookstore people. I like the Barnes and noble, the borders. They have the lowest pressure sales staff In the world. You can go In there, pull ten books off the shelf, “Hey where do I pay for these?” “Pay for them, you can read them here? What do you think the eight hundred couches are for? What are you studying for a test, here’s a highlighter. Mark It up all you want. I don’t give a shit. Hey I noticed you have a cookbook, anything you want to make” “Well there’s a chili recipe “”Rip It out. You’re Not goin to buy that huge overpriced cookbook for one recipe. That’s ridiculous. If I see you walking toward that cashier with that book, I will tackle you. I will rip that recipe out myself, I will drive you home and cook that recipe for you myself. So start a-ripping. My favorite shelf at the big bookstore, the staff recommendation shelf. Oh golly I need help picking a book out. How about seven habits of highly effective people, as recommended by Jimmie the stock clerk. What does It say on this little card, “I read this book and It turned my whole life around” Wow Jimmie what were you doing before you read that book? You only have the shittiest job In this place.
KMart In New York
We have a Kmart now In New York City. New Yorkers were pissed off when K mart came to town. They were outside the store protesting. They didn’t even know what to say. They were like “ down with K-Mart and their merchandise that people can afford, down with K Mart and their 300 gallon drum of Laundry Detergent. Wow. I mean why don’t you go take your good values to another town. Let’s turn that building Into a vintage clothing store, the kind that sells used K-Mart shirts for 700 dollars”
I discovered the best store, this past holiday season. The Body shop? They should call this place “the last minute thoughtless gift warehouse” You could be asleep and shop there. Aaaah. Oh, grapefruit bath gel. My sister eats grapefruit, she bathes, boom! Hey nice bottle, no need to buy wrapping paper, totally shopping time, nine seconds.
Food or Music?
Food or Music? What do you think, lady? Music. We’re going to do some music jokes, by request. Before we get to those, we’re going to do the jokes I planned to do before the music jokes.
Buy Parents House
I just bought my parents a house. Yeah. Yeah. That’s what all entertainers do when they get rich. They buy their parents a house. But I am not rich, so I bought my parents a house that Is worse than the one they already live In. They called me up all confused. Todd? Yes. Why do we have to move? Cause I bought you a house. Todd with all due respect, you bought us a shitty house. It’s not shitty. I’ll tell you what Is shitty, making those ten dollar a month mortgage payments. Now go Inside and say hello to your new crackhead roommates. I bought my parents a crack house. I just over explained that one.
Sperm Bank Babies
But I was watching this A&E Investigative report, they had an episode about Sperm Bank Babies who were trying to find their biological fathers. ANd now the sperm banks are actually hooking these people up with an audiocastle message from their father. I wonder what the typical message is: “Hi Tommy, this Is your dad, stop looking for me. I never wanted afamily, I wanted 50 bucks. I’d love to keep on the chit chat, but I have about another thousand cassettes to make”
I like that Real world show. I just can’t believe they still find people who are willing to go on that show. I was talking to a guy once, he said that he went on that show because he could put It on his resume. Could you Imagine putting that on your resume, that’d backfire In your face. Ten years down the line, you’re at a job Interview, “Hey you were on the real, I used to watch that show, hey wait a second. You look a little familiar, you’re the guy who ate all of Becky’s pretzel. What the fuck Is your problem? You’re not really a team player are you? I am sorry, but we need team players here at walmart. My assistant, Puck will show you to the door”
MTV has that new show Diary. The day In the life of a musician. They had Snoop Dogg on, he gets on at the beginning he’s like “Hey this Is Snoop Dogg this Is the day In my life, you think you know but you have no Idea’ It’s like alright, Snoop’s gonna have some surprises. Net shot Is him on his tour bus, playing video games and smoking pot. Whoa, Snoop you’re a man of your word. I expected to find you sitting there with a tattered copy of Romeo and Juliet, NPR In the background, look at you smoking pot. I thought I knew you but I In fact had no Idea. Snoop.
Behind the Music
I like that Behind the Music show. Very Informative show. I was watching It the other day, I was like Oh my god, I didn’t know Billie Idol liked living life to the fullest. I watched the Bon Jovi episode behind the music, they kept using this phrase, “and then he went back to his roots, the next year he went back to his roots” I watched the whole show, I didn’t see one portion where he strayed from his roots. It’s’ not like “in 1987, Bon Jovi entered a new Jersey recording studio with just four sets of bagpipes and a wood block”
I don’t like those grammy awards though. Always the famous shitty bands. You never see some poor struggling unknown garage band win. That would be nice. “And the album of the year goes to…. The Angry Ponchos? They couldn’t be here because their van broke down. They’re manager was going to accept the award for them, but he couldn’t get the night off from the video store”
Band with Orchestra
The only reason to watch the Grammy awards, sometimes a band will do something fancy. I was watching one year, Guns and Roses was playing with a full orchestra. And Guns and Roses wasn’t using full sheet music but the orchestra was. Slash can remember the tune. But the first chair violin player for the London Phil Harmonic, he’s having a little trouble. Whoa, A, whew tough, over to G, back to A curve ball. My 60 years of training did not prepare me for that.
The big thing In music now, In record stores are these boxed sets. All the albums by one artist In a box. Someone there going “Oh, I’ve never owned anything by the Oak Ridge boys. I think It’s time I owned everything by the Oak Ridge boys. Let me see that, whoa! That Is heavy. 27 compact discs, hey It’s only five thousand dollars. Includes a hip-hop remix of El Vira! Giddy! Giddy on up. Giddy the mother fuck uppa
Bands are getting greedy these days. I went to buy a ticket for some bands at Madison Square Garden. Guy said we only have a few tickets left, they’re 75 dollars and the seats are behind the stage. I said behind the stage, I said you know what I’m going to stay home. The guy said, stay home 40 bucks. 40 dollars to not see the big Micheal Bolton Huey and the blowfish, Celion Dion triple bill. With a special guest third eye blind, hey wait Todd that’s not a triple bill anymore, I just counted to four, shit ya got me. Ya busted me.
Oh I saw this documentary on this band Fugazi. They’re what’s called a punk rock band. They have a lot of Integrity, they won’t charge more than 5 dollars for their concerts. You know there has to be at least one guy In the band who Isn’t happy about this. The drummer Is gonna snap at some point, “Hey fellas can we stop a second, I had the craziest Idea, what If we charge 6 dollas. I was thinking that extra dollar times 800 people a night times five shows a week, equal I don’t have a roommate when I’m 47” that’s what I was thinking.
There hasn’t been a fucking bogus reunion lately has there? The eagles are the one I remember . Every Time the band reunites they Interview me. “Oh yeah we had some problems you know, but one of us decided to pick up the phone and decided to knock some shit around. Just casually knock some tunes around” Oh yeah where are you going to be knocking some tunes around neck “August 14 at a giant stadium 600 dollars a tickets” Oh So it’s a caucus little hoonity thing. “Just going to knock some stuff around, then leave In 9 separate limousines”
I got a message on my answer recently. It said hey Todd Barry this Is Elise from cosmopolitan magazine, call me back. I’m like, alright there Is going to be an article about me In cosmopolitan magazine. She answered the phone, hello photo department, this Is Todd Barry. She goes “Oh perfect we saw some of your work In nylon magazine, send you a book over’ I said there must be a photographer with my name. Then I realized I missed a primo opportunity to have some fun. Okay I’ll send my book over, then I would have bought one of those shitty cardboard cameras, taken pictures of my living room, tapped them to notebook paper. Send them to Elise, and then call her every hour. Hey Elise, did you get my book. Elise why aren’t you returning my calls. Hey Elise you called me .Elise.
I got to learn how to cook, I just got a wok. That’s a great thing to have. With a wok In the privacy of your home, you can make your own mediocre Chinese food, for fiddy cents less than takeout. Oh yeah I’m glad I got this wok, cause those spots In Chinatown just don’t make hot dog fried rice the way I do. Hot diggity diggity diggity.
I have a simple taste In foods I make. Restaurants always try to fluff up their menu you know. I was at this restaurant, this guy was like yeah your food comes with house cut fries. Whoa. Hold the phone. House cut fries? Are you telling me, you guys are doing all your fry cutting In house? That Is unheard of most restaurants that ship that out to some Indiana sweatshop where young boys chop up the fries for fifty cents a day. But you have house cut fries, let me guess what’s making my drink all cold? House frozen Ice. Man, did I come to the right place .
I got to learn how to eat right man. I have been reading books on nutrition. They all say the same thing: eat fruit, eat lots of fruit, and keep on eating fruit. Close this book now and eat some fruit. Fruit, eat fruit. But what they don’t tell you about fruit, the dirty little secret about fruit, fruit sucks. Have you guys ever eaten this shit before. Oh It’s pretty, but It taste like fucking garbage. C’mon Todd what about the orange? Fuck the orange, the orange suck. Orange juice Todd? Okay you got me, I love orange juice. And I get confused too every time I drink It. I go how can something as delicious and delectable as orange juice come from something as evil as an orange? It doesn’t make any sense. Wow. I don’t think the fruit joke has ever gone over so well.
Oh my god, with fucking, what’s that. Did someone heckle me with cameras rolling. Cameras roling fucking using thee lingo. Cameras rolling.
Taking a lot of breakas. Todd this Is going to be one slop cd you’re putting out. It’s going to be edited on zip disc. That’s fucking little sketchy that It’s being recorded on zip disc. It’s a little sketchy, said he was going to come over tonight, am I getting ripped. No one when we finish editing It’s going to be slicker than a yes album. Todd, man I like you, but It was kind of over produced.
Check with meal
Hey man, I was out, eating alone, that’s how all the freaks eat, they eat alone. I was at this restaurant alone In downtown New York, this guy was sitting at the other table alone. This Is how he ordered his food, “Yeah can I get the Veggie dinner and I uh, I always get my check with the meal” Not you can bring my check with the meal, I always get my check with the meal. I guess the waitress was supposed to say “Oh my god, I’ve heard about you, you’re the guy who always gets his check with the meal. You know, It’s been a crazy day. We had two napkin tommies here earlier. See that guy over there, It’s desert before dinner Danny. What a great restaurant I work at”
People always say, Thanksgiving dinner makes me sleepy. It makes me sleepy. Thanksgiving dinner makes me sleepy. You know what makes me sleepy.? Hearing about Thanksgiving dinner. So your mom puts ginger ale on the yams? You wouldn’t happen to have a green beans story on ya?
This guy right here Is ready to hurl his backpack at me. Why are you holding that like that, afraid I might steal that? He seems to be fucking around a lot up there. I got a Weezer bootleg. Is that all true, really? God, I’m a bright , perceptive guy.
I love tattooed women. I go crazy when I see a tattoo on a woman. I don’t even care what It Is.
Oh this? It’s a soybean. Of course It Is. At first I thought It was rice crispy, but that would be ridiculous.
A big ol’ tattoo on the side of a neck. Anytime I see someone with a neck tattoo, I want to go up to him and say “Hey man, you forgot to not do that” but uh oh, you forgot. You’re trying to get a job teaching kindergarten but no one will hire you because you have a neck tattoo. That’s the way I talk to guys with neck tattoos. They get very Intimated.
In a Band?
Are you guys In a band? A lot of tattoos with no musical ability. You gotta back up those tattoos. Play something. Play like a small drum kit or something.
Prison = Hotels
I got roped Into a conversation recently, about the death penalty. This guy Is like “We gotta have the death penalty because prisons are like hotels” how are they like hotels? “They’re like hotels, because they got color tvs.” oh, like In hotels. Can’t argue with that. They have to have color tvs In prisons, do you know how hard It Is to find a black and white set these days. I don’t want my tax dollars being spent, to send to prison officials roaming from yard sale to yard sale, looking for an old magbox to tortue these guys with. And I’ve never been to prison, but I’ve stayed at a lot of hotels. And from what I understand In prison, they give you a much more severe wake up call, that was an anal rape joke. But at least I wasn’t wet. I wasn’t wet candy. Ohhh Wet candy. Wet candy. Get my seven dollars back. I don’t think that’s protected In the constitution, there gotta be limits.
Couples who Agree
I have been hanging out with couples. I’m so tired of hanging out with these people and we agree on everything. They just agree on everything! Ask me about a movie they went to, we liked It. We thought the script was good, we do think he should have used different lighting In the exterior shots, really you both came out of the theatre thinking that? Even a husband and wife lighting tema wouldn’t do that. Even a couple with a lifetime subscription to a lighting magazine would not come up with that. At the same time.
I just got one of these coffee makers with a timer on It. So you can have hot fresh coffee as soon as you wake up but thing Is, I have no Idea when I’m going to wake. I have to take a chance every time. Set this thing for, I don’t know, maybe two o’clock In the after, maybe, I had a rough night, I sleep till four In the afternoon, what do I wake up to, a hot fresh pot of nasty coffee. How am I supposed to start my day people?
I was reading an article In the New York Post the headline was “Class act” and It was about the beastie boys, and how they once had the song that said “I hate faggots” and then they apologized for It. Apologizing for It Is probably better than not apologizing but I’m not sure It makes you a class act. Hey that was really big of ya man, the way you fucking I hate faggots thing down twenty years after you said It, not a lot of people would have the balls ot do It.
Offer to Crowd
I’m going to make an offer I didn’t make last night, If anyone In this crowd runs Into me In the street, tells me they were at this taping, and If I remember, and I happen to have the cds on me, you can have one for five dollars.
Too Many Diet Pepsis
People talk too much, that’s the problem. I was standing at a urinal recently, the guy next to me has to start a mid stream conversation. He stands “hey, how Is It going? Fhew, too many diet pepsis at dinner, hey I don’t know If you heard me, Too many diet pepsis at dinner” and It was awkward because I was just about to ask him, “Hey buddy, what beverage brough tya In here today,” the traditional mens’ room Ice breaker was totally shot down. How am I supposed to make new buddies.
Coke Vs. Pepsi
I went to a movie theatre downtown, I overheard this conversation going on between two concession stand workers– It was a coke vs pepsi conversation. I had a few minutes to kill before the movie, so I said this might be worth a little listen. This woman actually said and I quote “I like coke, I hate Pepsi with a passion” and It made me very sad for her. Because her body Is telling her that she hates something, that tastes exactly like something she loves. But then I thought about It, I thought about some of my own little quirks, and I actually wrote some down, cause I realized when I was thinking about It. I like sprite, but I hate seven 7 with a fevor equal to the KKK’s hatred of blacks, gay, and jews. And I was thinking about It some more, I hate glazed donuts, but I hate honey dipped donuts with the same Intensity as the pope hates a woman’s right to choose. And I really enjoy the post rason brand, but I’d rather change Into a dress, put on a blonde wig, be thrown Into the showers at rikers Island then eat kellogg’s raisin bran. You were worried about that one, but then oh shit you ended up clapping.
Prostitution should be legalized, am I right fellas? Prostitutes adversity In the yellow pages they do, you see ads for messages services, escort services. And they have slogans like any other business, I saw one that said “we give the best service, no hidden charges,” what kind of hidden changes you gonna get from a prositution. Guy Is going ot get his bill, ah okay 200 dollars for sex, 50 dollars for RUST PROOFING, hey sunshine can you come here a sec? I hate to call you on this, especially since I’m standing here In a prom dress. And I’m the sheriff of this here town, now I will pay for the sex, I will even pay for the collision Insuranc ,ehey what’s the deal with the late fee .I’m going to have to resign to the fact that the late fee thing will never get a laugh.
I had sex reently, took out the box of condoms, she takes the box from my hands looks at It goes hey Todd, good choice. Good choice. Now I didn’t expect her to be a virgin, but this Is no time to show brand loyalty. I was waiting for her to break Into a testimony, Todd sti down and let me tell you a little bit about the condom you selected. Todd this Is a trojan lubricator with a reservoir tip. I think It’s the best condom made by Todd, and I should know. And what Is the deal with the reservoir tip, reservoir , Isn’t that a little grandiose term for a little quarter Inch plastic bubble. Oh Honey I hope It doesn’t break, I don’t want to contaminate the groundwater
But I saw a guy buying a three pack of condoms. A three pack.I need a 12 pack for one night, I do. Cause you know nine of them are going to go flying across the room. At nine separate angry girls.
Everyone Is getting laid though. I saw Larry King Interviewed on TV, he’s like 65 years old, and has eleven wives. He’s’ like “Hey would I be boasting If I said I didn’t need Viagra” I don’t know boasting. I might call It lying. And why would you even think about boasting about a medication you don’t need. “Hey Larry, what are you doing tomorrow, do you have any free time?” “Of course I do, It’s not like I’m on Chemotherapy or anything. When you are cancer free, like me, got a wide open dance kart”
Lady In Audience with Cap
Hey Lady you alright? All dress up, crazy, catty cap on. You thought you were going to get better seats weren’t you? I’m going to get a good seat cap on. She’s got her good seats cap on. Are you comfortable? That’s a huge diamond Is It real? You’re alright, okay. I forgot what question she answered. I don’t think she answered that diamond question I asked. You just fucking ruined my project here lady. Todd Barry, the diamond cd. Totally fucked up by you lady. Lady. Lady. Lady.
I got Invited to a party recently, I think It’s going to be a crazy ass party, cause the hours are listed as the Invitation as nine till question mark. WWW When Is It going to end? Mama I don’t know when to tell you to come get me. Any time you see nine till the question mark, the general answer to the question Is nine fifteen. This Is usually a shitty party. Stuff your pockets full of bean dip and hit the road. Did you guys like the way I said road? I thought that was kind of adorable. I’m just trying to be as unbiased as possible about that. Cute cute cute.
Cute cute cute. Almost as cute as this adorable Lavender shirt I’m wearing. Trust me, people listening at home, It’s adorable. I was talking to a friend of mine about my lucky adorable shirt, I was like you know, I was half joking, I was like I always get laid when I wear this. He goes why don’t you wear It every day then? To which I fired back, what women wants to fuck a guy who wears the same shirt everyday, trying to go fucking toe to teo with Ill gucking bury you, see the way I fucking buryied you man.
People say to me all the time, Todd you’re a genius, you’re adorable. I’m just telling you what people say to me, Todd, you must get laid constantly. And maybe I do, yes of course I do, but I’m not one to tell hero stories people. I have friends who tell hero stories about anything. I had a friend we were In a bar a woman walks by he goes, “Oh I know that woman, she gives the world fastest hand jobs,” I didn’t even know what to say to him, the world’s fastest handjob, oh she’s like the cheetah of the handjob kingdom. Don’t get me wrong people, I hate a slow meandering hand job as much as the next guy, It’s just like I’ve never looked down and gone, c’mon baby time Is money, so put the pedal to the medal. I got a show to catch. Man, I never would have predicted the hand job joke would have blown the roof off like It did, I almost left that one out, that’s one of those whew situations. Where you’re like, I almost got on that plane and It crashed. Whew. I think that’s a totally parallel situation, me almost leaving the hand job joke out, do you guys– clap If you enjoyed that hand job joke. I do believe we have our single.
I used to do temp work before I was a multi Millionaire stand up comic. These temp agencies take themselves so seriously they would always tell me to dress up, no matter how shitty and degrading the job was. Hey Todd we got a job for you tomorrow, Whew! How did you get so lucky? It’s working at the mailroom at a slaughterhouse. Being there five am, don’t forget to dress up, cause we got some complaints when we sent you to the nerve gas facility. Saw you In the mail room, my boss Is working my ass off, he’s yelling at me like “Todd how come you ain’t stuffing the envelopes fast enough?” I don’t know, maybe because I’m wearing a tuxedo. You let me take this cumerbun off, I’ll throw the cane down, I’ll go to town on those envelopes. I’ll even keep the top hat on, unless you’d like to wear It, It might go well with that bob seger concert t-shirt you’re wearing. Sir.
I used to go to this gym, and I stopped going not only because I hated going there, but you have to deal with the assholes that work there. Asking you to renew your membership like the first half hour you’re there. This guys Is giving me the spiel “Todd, you can use all our locations we just opened one In Tokyo,” “That will come In handy when I start playing drums for cheap trick”
I got to go on the road soon. Yeah I have to drive sometimes with a guy for like 6 hours, another comic. And I never bring music. And I always have to deal with the guy with a crazy mix tape. “Hey do you have any music?” “Oh! Top this baby In. All these bands are from south bend Indiana,” “holy shit, Is that the south bend Indiana mega mix? I heard about, last week I listened to AKron ohio a go go”
Hit on Staff
Many people ask me all the time, Todd , when you go on the road, do you hit the waitstaff?” People , I am a professional, and I have a policy. I will not hit on the wait staff until every opportunity In the audience has been exhausted, It’s called professionalism. Okay, alright.
Movies at Motel
I checked out of a hotel a few years ago. The guy accused me of watching too many movies I didn’t watch. I said I didn’t watch them, he said are you sure, I said yeah I’m sure. He said “Did anyone else have access to the room” “well, I did give a set of keys to siskel and ebert, ya think? Man I’m glad you grilled me on this”
I just worked down In Austin Texas. Someone complained to the manager that my voice was too monotone. First Of all, I didn’t even know you could complain about that. I didn’t even know that was on the list of legit things you could complain about. My meal Is cold, that’s legitimate, I ordered spirits, they gave me ginger ale, that’s legitimate, but honey this guy’s voice Is kind of monotone, go get the manager. And I just fantasize about getting this woman’s phone number and calling her up. And saying “hello. This Is Todd Barry, I understand that you had a problem with my voice being too monotone, well I have been working on It. Tell me what you think, here It goes, cunt cunt cunt cunt. Wow that’s quite a range I have”
Dude what the fuck, Patton Oswalt was lowkey (highkey?) kind of shitty? This is why you gotta go back and listen to these old albums. If I were him, I wouldn’t have this up on Google Play for just anyone to listen to. It’s not the worst possible material, but it’s also the kind of stuff where it feels like his public image today is entirely crafted. He uses the word “retarded” a lot in this album. This might not be a big deal, but because Patton Oswalt is a person who holds himself up as one of these social justice know-it-alls, it’s like c’mon You were the guy using the word retarded on your albums years ago, now you’re part of the Twitter mob? C’mon.
Besides the social point, I just don’t think that Patton Oswalt is that funny. He’s the perfect voice for the rat in Ratatouille, but his jokes aren’t the most interesting. “If you kick a midget in the balls, he turns into eight squirrels.” I don’t think there is much to these kinds of jokes besides imaginary hitting. A lot of his jokes come down to making loud, silly noises. He ends one joke with a fart noise.
None of the jokes on this album stay with me for very long because there isn’t much new or unique in what he’s saying. Being retarded is funny — haven’t heard that one since middle school. We’re spending too much on the war in Iraq — haven’t heard that since middle school either. It was released in 2004, but even for that time he wasn’t saying anything new. Oswalt is an everyman’s man. He’s easy to listen to and doesn’t really challenge the average older white Democrat’s point of view.
Some things about Maneater, the game where you are a shark
You play a shark and that’s great, but this is all the game has going for it. That’s not a small thing to chomp at. You know, it becomes summer and you’re like, “I want to embody a shark.” You see this game advertised on the PSN shop and it’s like, hell yes, this is what I’m doing with my quarantine — becoming a shark. Then the game sucks.
You go around eating people. You’d think this would be the best part, but it’s not. It sucks and it’s hard to navigate. It’s also hard because I’m a person. And that’s me, out there in this fictional game, getting eaten by a shark that I’m also controlling. It’s a very morally gray game.
There are ways to upgrade your shark with electric teeth. This seems cool, but really I never notice it when I bite people. I feel like the person getting a bite would notice. But then again, I think if I were playing on the beach and a shark came up to me and was like “Hey, do you mind if I bite you?” I’d say, sure man, whatever you need to be you, and he’d bite me. But would I notice that he had electric teeth? Or would I be more focused on my lack of a left arm?
This game looks pretty gross. The water is gross. There is trash floating in the water. The people are fat. The shark has scars — but not badass scars that make you want to fuck it, just sad ones that make you contemplate his family life.
It’s just so repetitive. You do the same thing for the entire game. It feels empty even though there is variety.
It’s just so repetitive. You will do the same thing for the entire game. It feels empty even though there is variety.
It’s just so repetitive. You are doing the same thing for the entire game. It feels empty even though there is variety.
There are various missions including eating humans, finding chests, and locating cool spots. But these are just so repetitive. You will do the same thing for the entire game. It feels empty even though there is variety.
The cool spots are cool. There are references to cool things, and a surprising amount of public domain ideas. Interesting billboards, and references to Mermaids. Small little interesting things to find.
This game is worth like 15 dollars. Don’t buy it for 40. Just watch shark movies. There are a lot of shark movies out there. Even the bad ones are more worth your time than this.
Thank you so much man, thank you so much. Settle down, shut up, what’s going on. A lot of you know that I started doing stand up in Arlington Texas. And that was 19 years ago, in 19 short years I’ve made it all the way over there. That’s over 25 miles folks.
Seeing old Friends
Best thing about coming back is getting to see dear old friends. My best friend lives here, and he bought a mini cooper, and his battery was dead so I gave him a jump start off my iPod. And uh.
I actually did nothing this summer. I didn’t work at all, I sat around did nothing at all. I bought a big new house and I was kind of getting it order. I was having a fight with the landscape guy because half the plants died. It cost a ton of money and half the plants died. And the guy is fighting with me over whether or not a tree is alive or dead, we walk over and there are two trees, not a leaf on either one, it’s September the forest is in bloom. And I said those two trees are dead right there, and he goes over to the trees and scratches the trunk with his thumb and he goes, the core of the tree is still alive. And I said let me tell you what I’m fucking looking for in a tree. I’m looking for a tree that you can tell is a live, I’m looking for a tree that you can is alive even if you don’t know shit about trees. I don’t want to spend the next two years every time someone comes over to my house going oh no those trees are fine right there, go scratch the trunk with your thumbnail, you will find a vibrant core. Just beneath the bark.
Touring on the Bus
I had a rough winter, my manager will send me anywhere in the winter for one reason. He doesn’t’ have to fucking go, send the show pony off, he’ll send back commission, a nd I tour on a big tour bus with my wife and two dogs, and January we’re at Connecticut at a casino. Biggest casino in the world, and they were kind enough to put in a remote parking lot. I mean remote. I wasn’t anywhere remotely around the biggest casino in the world, and this nasty snowstorm slaps the northeast last January and uh, I gotta walk these two dogs, and there is a thermometer on the bus that say what the temperature is outside the bus, and it’s zero, and my wife goes what’s the temperature outside, and I say there’s not one. This place doesn’t seem to have a temperature.
But no matter what the temperature is I still have to walk the dogs because she ain’t gonna do it. No the empress, no no no. So I’m walking the dogs, and they pee, which makes me wanna pee, it’s freezing, my dick is like that. And normally it’s like that. Huge cock. It’s that long, but it’s this big around. It’s like a cheese wheel really. I may not touch bottom but I will stretch out the edges. With my cheese wheel don’t be afraid.
I watched the Michal Jackson trail and you know Michael wasn’t convicted of anything and I do know people do try misrepresent things to get money, and here’s a little parenting tip weather Michael is convicted or not convicted doing’ let you kid go to Michael fucking Jackson’s house. (big applause) He’s got a Ferris wheel in his front yard, I guarantee you every percent is sitting in a van with milk dudes in their mouth going if I only had a Ferris wheel in my front yard, they’d be lined up at the gate to get in here. Damn, I don’t know about Michael, they searched his bedroom and they found life sized dolls. And one of them was dressed in a cub suit. Well maybe it’s innocent, but em, if they found a life sized doll in my room of a women, everyone would assume I was fucking it. And they would be right. Just can’t, this kid said he could identity Michael’s penis because he would be able to tell disgusting characteristics. Folks I’ve been jacking off for 30 year I couldn’t pick my dick out of a police line up.
I told somebody I would tell this story, I was doing a show in bowling green Kentucky, no too long ago, and you never know how much of the crowd will be lit, and this was lit for the DVD so I could see everybody but usual I can just see nobody or just the first few rows and there was a lady in the first row wearing a denim skirt with buttons up the front except it wasn’t buttoned up the front, and her legs were just played and it really didn’t want to embarrass her, but I couldn’t, cause I have a little attention definite problem I got, an I actually stop the show and go “hey lady will you close your legs I can see your slip” and she got all mad like it’s not a slip it’s a petticoat, well I can see the junction. And uncle joe needs a shave to tell you the truth.
Well I’ll tell you one more, I was doing this show at Folk Polk for the troops in Louisiana a few months ago and but anyone could come to the show, and there were civilians at the show. And I mentioned there were 40,000 folks station at Ft Polk and there is. And this really well dressed, uh, drunk lady hollers out, everyone of them is a bad fuck. Boy you what it seems like, after 39,000 times you’d start to go, maybe it’s me? Maybe I need to read a book, I seem to be the only common denominator in this math education of love.
I think because of this whole in the middle east we’re all getting a little more familiar with the globe than we used to be. I found out yesterday that there really is a place called bum fuck Egypt. And the only way to get there is to go up shit creek. And the itolia of Iran died, and they’re desperately looking for the next Italy. I suggested they get that guy they kicked out of the () boy. Um papa told ma ma.
So, I had the weirdest thing that happened to me, I was at a party and I was talking to a friend of mine that I hadn’t seen a couple of years and a guy walks up to us that he knows that I don’t know and while we’re having this conversation he stops and introduces me to their fellow and I’m not paying attention. And I gotta shake this guys’ hand and while I’m shaking his hand, I realize it’s not really a hand it’s got two little piece of something and web between and sum and web it’s flipper, no offense if you have a flipper, but if you do don’t’ you feel some obligation to warn somebody, especially if they’re not paying attention. Watch it flip. Cause I dend up hurting the guys feeling, what is that fucking flipper. And you feel bad. I’ll touch his flipper, I just gotta see it first. I gotta get ready for the flipper, can’t be shocking me with the flipper buddy.
I did a comedy club to warm up for a show in Atlanta, not too long ago. The comedy show was this little 150 seat comedy club that I had been banned from for 12 years for bad behavior. I didn’t argue when they did it either, I was like I get it. So I went back and the audience didn’t know I was going to be there, and when I walked on stage I noticed there was a bachelorette party front sage. I’ve been doing comedy for years and when you see a bachelorette party it’s never good news. Now don’t get me wrong I love women, and I especially love drunk women but you cannot compete with a bachelorette party because basically they don’t need you, they have novelty items. Little straws, top of the straw shaped like a little penis. They get pacifies, and the policies are shaped like a little penis. And as the night went on they would laugh harder and harder because apparently the drunker a woman gets the funnier they find little tiny penises to be. Which might be why I like them so much. Well this night I’d seen something I never saw something I’d seen before these women had this 8 inch chocolate penis wrapped in cellophane and nobody was touching it. Just sitting there sitting in the middle of the tale and try as I might to ignore it, I couldn’t because instinctively I knew this big chocolate dick was going to hurt me and I was right, it was a great show and for some reason with five minutes left these women decided to get this thing out and started passing it back and forth trying to see how much they could fit in their mouth at a time. Nobody’s watching me anymore. Everybody’s I watching this dunk contest. And, the thing that struck me as food is that nobody was offended by it. All the women were looking at me like, oh aren’t they haven’t fun, don’t you remember when Becky had her bachelorette party that was dad da da all the men going is this free? And it’s a double standard folk because 4i guarantee you if there was a group of men in this room right now that whipped out a sac of little gummy pussies. I don’t know what that last part was, or how ever you do it you know. I make a little raquette.
Cheers folks. Somebody asked what I was drinking, if the company that was paying me they were drinking I’d have it in their bottle and not mine, it’s the king of scot that people drink who are going to die penniless. It’s’ good though.
You can’t Fix Stupid
I had a great year last year, got married to my wife, Baraba. She’s a great women. Baraba was actually Jeff Foxworthy interior designer, so not only was Jeff responsible for my success and career, but he also introduced me to the women I’m goin to spend the rest of my life with, which I think makes us even. Baraba is my age, I didn’t marry a kid, I wanted somebody that uh, that really stimulus intellect two degree, great business, she’s also very sexy, but if I could get advice it’s don’t marry for looks alone, going either way and I tell you why, in a few years of Baraba boobs start to sag to much there is place you can go where they can lift them right back up there where they are, put the nipple there. You can actually go to tiddy doctor pick out a pair of titties say I want those titties on that women right there. If her belly gets too big and she doesn’t want to work it off, you can go get her a tummy tuck and make her look like a cheerleader. You know if your eyes go bad, they can get you Lasik surgery and give you 2020 vision. If your ears go bad they can put a hearing ad that will make you able to hear as good as you should the day you were born, but let me tell you folks, you can’t fix stupid. There’s not a pill you can take, there’s’ not a class you can go stupid is forever.
We just got back not too long ago from our honeymoon we went on a cursei to san terrier Greece, and the curse was fine we fought the whole time and I was going, dude, she booked the cruise and she shows it to me on a calendar and the cruise is at the end of the month. Guess what else happens at the end of the month at our house? I’m looking at her like oh great I’m gonna have seven days in a cruise ship room trying to get gennie back in the fucking bottle. My wife is the nicest person I’ve ever met, but you get her pms and a couple of glasses of red wine, but she turns into “let me tell you something about you that you don’t know” I’m all ears honey. Now I’m not making light of women’s’ period, I would never do that, that’s serious stuff. If that happened to me one time I’d be in the hospital. It wouldn’t be any of this nonchalant, I’m spotting, I’d be running down the road like my hair was on fire, screaming my balls are bleeding, my balls are bleeding. But it’s honeymoon, man. My wife is on her period she won’t have sex sixth me a all, no way. Which is bullshit, because if the roller coaster is broken they don’t shut down the whole amusement park. Cause if they did you’d be standing outside that fence, like the log ride is working. And I’ve got some coupons. Foxworthy right before we leave Foxworthy gives me a Viagra, now I’ve never taken that before. And he tells me, seriously dude you take this on your honeymoon and you will personally thank me. And I take it and I walk into the honeymoon suite, and she goes I’m just not in the mood, and I’m like, yeah me either. My dick was hard enough to hunt with. I could have chased down an elk and beat it to death with this dick. Oh shit I broke an antler. I was gonna have this thin mounted. Now I’m going to mount this thing. Come here. Give me something else to fuck, hand me that parrot. And that wasn’t even our biggest point of contention. Our biggest point of contention, that was my impression of a parrot desperately trying to get away. I just added that to the show. He’s afraid of the cheese wheel. Our deepest point of connection was that she wanted me to hang out by the swimming pool all day long, everyday, normally I just sit there and lay and read a book, cause at this point I’m out of diamond. But I didn’t want to hang out by the swimming pool all day everyday, because there was a fan of mine out there, and this guy wanted to talk to me all day long. Yak yak yak yak yak yak. This guy told me his entire life story, against my will. This guy raped my ear. This guy forcefully shoved unwanted information into my ear hole, no means no. This guy is telling me stories that somebody else told him that someone they know. I’m third generation don’t give a fuck. And I felt bad for the guy. His story was that his wife left him and started sleeping with all his buddies. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say, well I wish I knew you better. I just fucked an elk and parrot. Human pussy sounds great to me. That wasn’t even his worst quality, this guy was about 60 years old he was in great shape, he was a marathon runner and he was a little guy and he was small, he was about 130 pounds with a little nose and great big hands and little bittie bathing suit. With what looked like a squirrel living in it. I shit not. And he wasn’t just talking he would lean this thing into me. And bob it around a little bit, I guess just to make sure I noticed, but there are people on the other side of the swimming pool like, look at the dick on that guy, I wonder what he feeds it. Well we made it to sand terra, and san terrier grease is a tiny island and it volcanic and for two thousand years of the only way to get to the top of the rim on the porch side of the island was to take a donkey until five years ago that built a tram that did the same thing in 18, and I was shocked to see the donkey guy still in business even though he had the worst sales pitch I’ve ever heard in my life. It was you can the donkey to the top of the rim, so you can take the tram for the same price. That would be my biggest secret if I were you. I would start lying to people as soon as they got off the boat. Shit saddle me up. C’mon honey it will be fun and you’re in such a good mood maybe a donkey ride will be just the thing to cheer you up. Well as it turns out I’m a tram guy, we take the tram up, and then we have to climb up there’s ancient cobblestone street because there is one more church in the Mediterranean and we haven’t seen it. And I’m sweating scotch in every pore in my body. There was a huge party the night before and I was more fucked up than Courtney love at the Pamela Anderson roast. And we’re going uphill I’m a down hill tram guy and I know I got about ten minutes of this uphill stuff in me before I go back to the thief and lay down, and we pass some of these scooters and I tell my wife why don’t we rent over of these scooters and we can just buzz around the whole island in a little scooter and she’s like we are not getting on one of those scooters. And I’m like let me rephrase that, I’m gonna rent a scooter. And if you’d like to at some point you can hop on it, that’s fine, or you can watch my little tail light fade into the distance. And she’s like you don’t even know how to ride a motorcycle, and I’m like, I’ve been riding motorcycles my whole life. As it turns out, I don’t know how to ride a scooter, this thing was a steam of shit. It had the front wheel the size of a donut, my hands are a foot apart, knees in my face, buses going by like phhh, she’s screaming stop this thing goddamnit. I’m screaming lean the way I learn it, goddamnit. Like a monkey in a sidecar. Well after little while we start to get the hang out of it, and we start to make our way down the gentle sloping other side of sand weird and it’s just bars and beaches and restaurant it’s the promised land. My promise. But we make up from our little tiff, and we start walking down the beach hand and hand and it turn out this part of the beach is the nude beach, guess who’s there squirrel man, and he has got what looks like an anaconda laying in his lap, first time I saw it I was like that thing must have ate the squirrel, and he’s not even laying flat on his back he’s leaning towards the people who walking towards him, and didn’t begrudge him a bit, cause if it had been mine I would have been holding a picture frame around it, “you can take the donkey to the top of the or you can ride this, it is the same price”
My wife is a brilliant woman, she really is, she came up with a solution for the overpopulation of our planet, and it was brilliant and simple, like most brilliant ideas. Stop spending money for the development of products like Viagra and instead, invest that money in research to develop a product to make seman taste like chocolate. I told you it was a good idea. She’d be chasing me down the sidewalk, come here Willy Wonka. Get that little chocolate factory back over here, mister, there has gotta be one more in there.
Normally she’s a very senior women, one time we were driving down the road and she decided to give me the highway delight, or as like to affectionately refer to it, a mouth hug, and I was pleasantly surprised but the other people in the carpool got all pissed off, like Hey we gotta get these kids to school. And she loves chocolate.
Mile High Club
I think it’s kind of odd, that as long as I’ve been touring, twenty years, a lot of travel, I’m not a member of the mile club. When you have sex on a plane a mile above ground, I did jack off in Denver two weeks ago. I am a member oddly enough of a little club I started, called it’s called the mile egg club, that’s where you fuck someone behind a crack barrel billboard, we’re having a membership drive too, so grab your parent and skip to my loo.
I think the most often thing I get asked on my website is why am I not a bigger member of blue collar television. Which is Jeff and Larry and Bill’s show, and the answer is my work ethic. My grandpa used to say, that boy got a lot of quitting in him.
And as a young man the thing I didn’t get quit I got kicked out of, I got kick out of the high school debate team for saying “yeah well fuck you,” I thought I had won. The other kid was speechless. I thought that was what we were trying to do. Kind of weird, I’m from a little bitty town in Texas called Frish. Like you ever heard of it. It’s a little bitty town. My town was so small, that one year our high school marching band formed a period. Two years later they made a comma, they were kicking some ass. Right outside brought that’s exactly right.
Grandma in Texas
Uh now, I moved from there fairly young, my cousins grew up there, my cousin can tell you a good hunting story. Here’s how different we are, he’s a homophobe, I can’t believe I’m not gay. That’s how far apart we are on the food chain. Now I’m not gay, but look at these fucking shoes. Now the reason I say that is who knows how things are going to turn out in life, and the reason I say that is because from the time I was 9 to 13, I was raised by my grandmother, in a ho funk shit town and there and there was nothing to do, and my grandma caught me in the bathroom. Just doing it, and my grandmother bless her heart was a very religious Mormon, and she came up to me later I was mortified, and she said It says in the bible, it is better for your seed to fall in the belly of the whore than on the ground and I was like, great, I can’t argue with that kind of logic. You got fifty bucks. The first time I ever had sex, that some one else was involved with it, my grandmother caught me, in her garage, having sex with this girl, and my grandmother said one of these days your gonna be standing side by side with the lord answ3erin for your sings and what are you gonna say to him when he let the chod returned up. And I’m gonna tell him like this, here comes the good part. I was throwing some dick in this one wasn’t I, I was throwing some dick back then. Now to fully understand this, you have to understand how my grandmother was, my grandmother and her family moved to the panhandle of Texas at the turn of the wagon, very poor, very rural people, and as a child I would have to look a little bit sick and my grandmother would start cramming things in my ass, she had an anal thermometer from the 19th centaury and the only way she to take my tempture was to take this huge thermometer in my ass and suppositories, quantity ass pills I don’t know where she got em, they were that fucking big, they were huge. And she would stick a hose in my ass, and pump hot water in my bowls, and I hated it. At first. Then I was like, I feel dizzy grandma, that my fever is breaking. I got mixed messages as a child, my dad would snake me, and then go now you do me. What the fuck kind of.
I was talking to my cousin ray the other day, he said this world would be better if there weren’t so many queers. I said you know what, next time you have a thought let it go. I told him, we’re all gay buddy, it’s just what extend are you gay. He goes that’s bullshit, I’m not gay at all. I said yes you are, he said alright prove it. I said alright, do you like porn, he said yeah you know I like porn. I go, well do you only watch porn of two women together, he said no, I like to watch a man and woman, I said, well do you like the guy to have a small half flaccid penis and he said no I like big hard throbbing… You like chocolate. I’ll never forget this night as long as I live, thank you very much goodnight.
Like many others of my age, I listened to Dane Cook’s albums a lot in middle school. I repeated the jokes to my friends whenever I could. I watched Naruto do the jokes in anime YouTube videos back when it took about 20 minutes to load all three minutes of a video. Dane Cook wasn’t the first standup comedian I listened to, but he was the only one that anyone else I knew cared about. My friends at school didn’t know about Margaret Cho.
A lot of people have opinions of Dane Cook that they haven’t checked since the 2000s. They’re just hating on his comedy, even though their hate comes from the wave of Dane Cook hate that happened after his big boom. Anyway, I did re-listen to the album.
One of my favorite lines in any joke is on this album. It’s during the joke where Cook talks about working at Burger King. He’s talking about his brother being the manager, and being a dick about it, and he says, “He thought he was the Burger King.” Obviously the over-the-top way that Cook delivers the line does a lot for it, but also it’s one of the few jokes that works without the Dane Cook delivery. It works on paper.
Cook’s performance is over the top. There are a lot of wild noises he uses. During one of the first jokes, he talks about parking at a mall and how the pavement is jerky. This is a joke that I don’t understand. I don’t know if it’s just a local thing, I just didn’t know what he was talking about. But he performs the noise that the pavement makes his car do. All of his weird noises and voices have a purpose in developing his comedy. Even though I didn’t know what he was talking about, I still felt like I was there with him in the story. During a joke called “Speak ’N’ Spell,” he does a wild voice for the spelling machine, and it puts you in the place of a kid with a strange toy. A lot of comics want comedy to just be about what you can write on paper; Cook isn’t like this. His stories are energetic and even just listening to a recording, he feels free, in charge, and inclusive. It just feels like he’s bitching with his friends. It’s presented in a goofy way.