Michelle Wolf – Nice Lady

Michelle Wolf – Nice Lady

Can we focus

Ladies and gentlemen, Michelle wolf! Thank you, thank you. Wow. Boy. what a time to be alive, huh. I probably don’t need to say this but  should just let everyone know I am feminist, yeah one person that’s all, that’s about average. Oh, feminism is very unpopular, I should also point out I’m not I’m not like a buy my own drinks feminist. We all have our line and mine is at the bar. In want equal pay and a chadra. Well then just the chardonnay. I do think as feminist we’re fighting for too many things right now. There are some feminist that are like we want to get paid the same and then there are some feminist that are like we want to free the nipple on instagram. It’s like hey can we focus, I know she’s more fun can we focus. It’s like during the revolutionary war some of them were like we want to be independent and others were like we want to free the nipple on instagram. Maybe England should stay in charge of you, you should like you’d be easily irrentestoin. Just like logically we focus our attention and power on one thing, so personally I think we should go after equal rights but if someone made a vote and we went nipple then fine, I’m a team player I’ll go nipple. It’s just hard for me that it’s was a woman’s idea, sound sliek a man infiltrated a meeting and was like we gotta get these nipples on instagram, did you hear we can’t, it’s not fair, we’re women, you know men my main concern is the woman. That’s why I call them the woman. And the whole debate is that men are aloud to have their nipples on instagram and women aren’t.. Here’s an easier solution, just get male nipples off of instagram. I’ve never seen a male’s nipples and been like, oh now my day is better. Boy do i love looking at those useless skin tags. We gotta focus, we got to focus on what we’re fighting for, we can’t stop and look at shiny objects. We can’t campaign about whose on money. Like I mostly use a credit card and there is a picture of a cat on it, and I picked it because I’m the person you think I am. There were a ton of options and I was like a cat and then I saw there was another cat option and I was like I gotta open another account. I’m not a monster, no I don’t want to donate to your children’s charity. Like why do I want a woman on a dollar anyway, it’s not like amen is going to look down on it and be like oh right I’m going to start respecting these. I’m sorry stripper I can’t give this to you, I mean mrs. stripper. 

She’s a bitch

So much is happening right now. I think a lot of us are still trying to figure out why Hillary lost. I do have a theory on why Hillary lost. I think it’s because no one likes her. I voted for her but I don’t like her. Like if she came up to me at a party I’d be like I’m sorry I have to go to the bathroom. And then if she came up to me in the bathroom I’d be like I’m sorry I have to use the men’s room. I just made a life choice. But you shouldn’t like Hillary. She’s a bitch. Anyone with that much power is a bitch. We’re never going to have a nice lady run for president. Nice ladies aren’t in charge of things, and if your in charge of something and you think your a nice lady, no one else does. There are whole email chains about throw much your not a nice lady. And Hillary is not nice and she’s not fun, she doesn’t go to brunch. She eats  hard boiled eggs in the morning and then the rest of the day, she doesn’t peel, she just casings in her fist. She gets hungry in the afternoon and slaps a man, and goes full now. Ig et it I get not liking Hillary. But one thing that I get is that some guys are  like you know what it is, i just can’t listen to her, she has a shrill voice. And it’s like, well sometimes! That is just what happens to your voice. Sometimes you’re a person with a shrill voice, there is nothing you can do about it. Because you don’t get to chose your voice. I was never, oh you know what, I’ll take the voice that causes dogs to gather outside, no no , I want it to be so shrill that if I sucked the helium out of a balloon it wouldn’t change at all. That might be a 100 percent true thing that happened to me. But that’s how it is!. One two punch hi how are you. Oh this seems like it will be normal. I get it, i get it, you don’t want four years of this voice. Just like you don’t want to wake up next to his voice, you don’t want me going hey good morning oh you lost your boner, this is a real wind out of the sails voice. This isn’t a phone sex voice. No one is calling in to hear where you want to put your penis. This isn’t a sexy voice. But it is a voice that gets shit done. It’s like hey I’m going to keep talking unless you agree to this!

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We got to focus a lot of time, people think we’re moving forward, women are moving forward, and I’m like that progress, like sports illustrated will put a plus sized model on it’s cover. And a lot of women will be like that, so innovative. That’s progress. That’s not innovative! They just finally realized that men will also masturbate fat women. Do you want to be innovative, put a completely clothed woman on there, and talk about her personality. Just a full spread about her knitting hobby. Even women will be like I don’t want to read that, plus it’s a magazine. And they’re just a whole wave of women right now who are showing that they’re confident by posting naked or almost naked pictures so line being like I don’t care what you think about my body, I’m confident, please like and subaive. And it feels anti feminist to be like don’t posit that, but also it’s like I don’t know what the goal is here. I don’t know what you’re working toward. I don’t think Ruth Bader Ginsberg is ever even like I gotta get out of this robe and show people what I’m really about, plus I know they’re all dying to see this little bored body. We want every women to be confidence and we want every women to be beautiful. You have to be beautiful. Like Bruce Jenner turned into Caitlin and immediately, 

The bathroom controversy

So much is happening. We’re trying to figure out where trans people can go to the bathroom. Who saw that one coming. Probably translate people. And here is the thing, most politicians are men, and men are making the laws, and they think that if trans women use women’s bathrooms, that women will feel unsafe. And I think that comes from a fundamental misunderstanding about what happens in a women’s bathroom, and to be fair, we have made it very mysterious. We always go in groups, there is huge line outside, people go in but they never come out. It’s a whole Willy Wonka situation. When we finally do get back to the table we giggle and you’re like what happened, and we’re like we can’t say, but I have new hair now, also this is my new best friend Ashley, she’s goin to live with us. Every woman has some kind of Ashley from the bathroom on their phone. Mane do to, but for a very different reason. We’ve made the bathroom very mysterious, but in reality in a women’s bathroom, if at any point you see genitals something has gone very wrong. We are very private people. No one is walking in the bathroom, like labia out ladies. Let’s get to comparing. You’re not a redhead. I want to see that, no we’re private. We go in the bathroom, we go in the stall, we pee poop or cry and leave. The only thing we’re really worried about is whether they know I’m the one that poops. I tried to cough a lot and the hand dryer was on, which is a crazy thing for women to worry about in a women’s bathroom. Who are you trying to impress in there, if anything, you should poop very loudly, cause then if there is an attacker in there, he’s like well not that one. I’m evil, not crazy. That’s good self defense in general. You have to walk home late at night, fart the whole way. Be your own rape whisele. Not today. That’s a great strategy if you just accidently fart in public. Like you thought I was going to be silent and then your body was like. Betrayed you, next time just be like yeah that was just a warning, I’m a very dangerous person. Where that came from, now if you turn your attention back to this powerpoint, you’ll see that third quarter profits are on their way up. Men, you want to make bathrooms better for women, get those four year old little boys out of there. Always poking their creepy little heads under the stalls being like, are you my mom! I told you not anymore Kevin! And I don’t know why men are so concerned about our bathroom I’m worried about your bathroom, you don’t lock yourself in a stall you just stand up against a wall and watch your each other pee, you have your pants undone while you are looking at a wall, you are just ripe for that raping. And you designed both bathrooms. You give yourself the shittier bathroom, give yourself enough stalls, sit while you pee, rest those legs. You gotta be tired from stomping on us all day. Seriously, I feel bad that men don’t get to sit while they pee, you have to walk in the bathroom knowing what your intention is. You have to walk in the bathroom like i going to poop now, women we get to be like hey I’m poopin now! This is a fun surprise afternoon poop, this has turned my day around, I’m so glad i had that yogurt this morning. Thank you Jamie Lee Curtis. 

You’re the problem

Stop it. Stop using we’re protecting woman as your excuse for getting things done, it’s bullshit and it’s an insult. I’ve never ever been scared of trans people, the only people that consistently scare me are straight men. You guys have a terrible track record. I like to think all those women clapping are with a guy right now. I do. NO! You keep using, we gotta protect women from tarnas people, when gay people wanted to get married you were like we can’t let that happen then they’ll start fucking dogs, you only said that because you thought about fucking a dog, you were like people want to fuck dogs, and gay people were like not us, and you were like some people do. Some people love a cute little puppy butt. Stop it, stop using we’re protecting women as your excuse. I was on a date, a guy offered to walk me to my door he was like i just want to make sure you get home safe. That’s bullshit, that’s not why you’re walking me to my door, that’s your last ditch effort to touch a boob. At that point in the night the most dangerous thing at my door is you. And if a robber came by I don’t think you could do anything about it, because earlier that night at dinner I learned you have a gluten allergy and you can’t protect me from a biscuit. Also that’s why you’re not coming up. There is nothing less sexy than hearing a guy be like well I can’t eat bread. Cause I’m gonna need you to be okay with yeast. But did you get it. I just want to make sure you got it. I hate to be there with someone in the back like, I didn’t get the yeast part. Go home call your mom, she’ll tell you all about it. 

Fountains and wishes

There Are so many big things happening right now. Like the environment is in terrible shape, and most people pretend they care about it, I don’t believe that anyone actually does. If anyone actually cared about the environment there is no way fountains would still exist. Fountains are real big fuck you to thirsty people. Imagine bringing a little kid from a third world country to see a fountain. He’d be like “oh wow, look at all the water, can I have a sip” and you’d have to be like, oh nono, that’s for decoration. Well can I at least grab the money out of it. No those are the wishes that people who can afford to throw in there. And you what they didn’t wish for, water. Now I’m going to show you a water park, that’s where the water is for peeing ‘in. but climate change is a real big deal, and everyone says mother nature, and i do believe nature is a woman because she is trying to kill us in the most passive aggressive way ever. It’s not some kind flood or fire cool explosion. She’s just like, what, i raised the temper a little. Oh are you uncomfortable, well maybe if i wouldn’t have if you had taken out the recycling like i asked. I’m fine. 

Natures is a woman (and she hates us)

Nature is a woman and she hates us. She hates us women. She hates us. She gave us all the icky stuff. She’s a mean girl. We’re the ones that bleed every month. She made organism impossible to find. We’re supposed to have the babies and then feed them, that seems like a thing you could have split up. There were two people involved in that. You got most of the way, you gave men miopes. What happened all of sudden at the last second were you like me you know what we’re gonna keep it over here with women. But men hang on to those nipples. Do whatever you want with them, and we’re the ones that have the babies and she made the hoel to small. Way to small. That’s a real square peg round hole situation. It’s a design flaw. If every time an elevator went down the building it broke the building you’d be like we should fix this. Every time you hear a woman talk about giving birth, honestly talk about giving birth, not the facebook version of love, this is magical and I’m blessed. Honestly talking about giving birth it always feels like the beginning of an infomercial where some guy is going to pop out and be like, are you tired of a hole ripping from a vagina to your butt, pooping on a table in front of strangers leaving you feeling embarrassed. Have you been pushing for twenty hours with no end in sight thinking there is has got to be a better way. Well there’s not. And that is why I don’t recycle. Because if mother nature isn’t going to take care of my house I’m not going to take care of her house. Also recycling is very hard. 

That woman’s a patriot

II do think though there is very serious problem that no one is talking about. I think right now it’s’ hard time to be a man. You guys are struggling. You can’t be the first to do anything anymore. You’ve done almost everything. It’s almost like there is no reason for you to live, it’s a great time to eat women. I mean we’re at rock bottom but we can only go up. We’ll still have the first female president, first woman on the moon, first woman to assassinate a president. It’s exciting, to could be you. I think it would be very easy for a woman to assassinate a president. She’d just have to be beautiful and walk up to and be like, I just want to talk to the president for a second, please. I pose like all my bones is broken. We haven’t had a female assistant because women re too nice, we get close e3nough kill the president, but instead we just end up having sex with him. That’s a very nice that we do. In general, I don’t think we’re thanked enough for that. Think About it, Monidca Lewikins had the president’s dick in her mouth. She could have assassinated him. She could have been selfish and gotten anything she wanted, if you don’t think you can get anything you want when you have a regular guy’s dick in your mouth next time bite down just a little and see if he isn’t immediately like, yeah fine we can go on vacation with your sister. Try it when you go home tonight, it’ll be fun. She has the leader of the free  world’s dick in her mouth, she could have assassinated him, she could have gotten anything she wanted, but instead she was a nice lady and she blew him and then we were mean to her. For being a nice lady. I thought at least men would have stood up for her, and been like hey that women is a patriot! But it’s a good time to be a woman and we’re on our way up. It’s a good time for us. Build men you’re done, it’s over, there is nothing left for you to do. You’ve been to the moon, you’ve been all the presidents. Even if you were like you were like, I’m going to win an Olympic medal and then turn into a lady you’d be the second. 

These seem like weapons

I feel bad for men, I think it’s a really hard time to be a man right now. You have a ton of erection medicine, hope everything is okay. Seems like it might not be. And i’m glad you have erection medicine, i think that’s great. A soft penis is very sad. A soft penis looks like the sound of sadness. You know like, wow. If you showed a deaf kid a picture of a soft peneis he’d be like I know what you’re talking about is sad. That’s actually how they taught Helen Keller, they just let her feel a soft penis. This means sad. Thank you for teaching me this new word, it’s the only way you could have done it. I actually think tahta  soft penis feels very neat, every woman here, if you had a soft penis at your desk at work, you’d play with it all day. It’s soft and squeeze it’s a stress reliever. Sometimes I’ll have a penis in my hand and it’ll be hard, and I’m like you’re ruining my time. How I feel about soft pensies, is the closest i’ll never forget to feel how men feel about boobs. Because those are also soft and squishy. Now imagine if when you felt them all of sudden they got rock hard, you’d be like, these seem like weapons. 

Making Croissants

But it’s good you guys got erection medication that’s great. No one should have a broken body part, but you make it hard for women to get birth control and that’s not fair. That’s like saying, let’s have a duel, but only one of us gets a gun, and on average that gun shoots twenty million bullets, and we’re just asking for a shield and you’re like no. We don’t even want another gun, we just want a shield. We’re saying you can have all the players on both hockey teams, we just want one goalie, doesn’t even have to be the best goalie, we’ll take your third string goalie. You can give the zombie guy a stick. We just want a guy to hit a couple pucks away. Even cars get windshield wipers. C’mon give us a chance, there is a downpour. We should be constantly given birth control, it should be annoying. Like when you leave a restaurant it shouldn’t be mints, it should be birth control. When you push a door instead of pull a door, birth control should pop out. Like you’re not ready yet. Let’s work on some other skills. It’s human. You’d be making a human, it would be hard to make a human, it’s hard to make a croissant, it takes three days to make a croissant. You can make a human in that bathroom. You cannot make a croissant in that bathroom, like how many people here have successfully made a croissant, how many people here have accidently made a human. And those two people are never the same. Because croissant makers are planners, and they’re usually a little less fun. Now if you had sex and accidently made a croissant that would be great. Finally women would be like, no I’m paying for the drinks and we’re leaving now. Drink it up little layd we’re going home and and I’m hungry and I want a falkey snake, then finally men would be like I feel like you’re using me for the corrsin. I mean I don’t care but I want you to know how I feel. And if having sex meant that you got a chocolate croissant, that never go back thing would be a hundred percent true. Even white men would be like, go i get it go. You have to go, the croissants are better, bring one home. It should be hard, it should be hard to have a human we have enough we don’t need as many as we used to. At this point if you want to have a bay, you should have to take test or two, something like let me see your iPhone screen,  oh it’s cracked. NO. you can’t carry a phone, you can’t carry a baby. 

Have it all

I don’t want to have a baby, this isn’t a aborotion joke. I’m not pregnant, I don’t want to have a baby and I gotta get out of here. I don’t want to have a baby, or a family. I want a career, and now there are a lot of people out there who are like that, but michell you don’t have to choose, you can have it all. Women can have it all. Yes, stop saying that. You act like all is good. All does not mean good. You’ve left an all you can eat buffet and said, i feel really good about myself. That crab and pudding is sitting really well together. I sure am glad I went back for spare ribs. All is not good, and even if we do try to have it all, even if a woman does want to have it all, we’ve put up to many obstacles in your way to make it possible. It’s like oh congratulations, you’re having a baby, great, couple things, we’re going to need you to get a car accident back to work as soon as possible because this is America and we don’t think you need time to recover. Also this is America you should breastfeed it’s what’s best for the baby but don’t do it in public you pig. Do it in the janitors closet under the bridge with the rest of the breast feeding trolls. Don’t take time off work when your kids are sick, also why are you such a bitch, by the way your salary is just enough to cover the cost of child care. We know your exhausted, and your trying to balance your old life with your new life but quick go have sex with your husband go now, quick, and sweetie smile. I don’t want it, men don’t try to have it all. They’re just like I got a job and a sandwich. I’m good. My wife says that if i behave for a year i can have a section of the garage where i can sit. I don’t want to be a mom, i wouldn’t mind being a dad. That seems like more fun and there are great dads out there. There are very good dads out there, but a great dad is still just an okay mom. A fork is a shitty spoon. 

The coolest thing your body can do

I can’t be a dad, that’s very upsetting i don’t want to be a mom. So I want a career. And i thought knowing what I want inli females me special, but ultimately it must makes me a waste. Like I think having a baby is arguably the coolest thing a body can do. Like I have a friend who has one arm, and then she had a baby that had two arms. You can make shit that you don’t even have. Also how pissed did she have to be when she saw that sonogram. Two arams! This is bullshit. I give this sonogram one thumbs down. Imagine how frustrating it is tying your shoe with one hand, knowing that you have two new hands growing inside of you that you’re not allowed to keep. Two new hands that you will push out of your body and walk away and never love you as much as they should. Not to mention you can grow a penis inside a vagina, like the world’s most terrifying greenhouse. Find me a horror movie with a scree plot. It is the coolest thing you body can do. Me not wanting to have a baby is like bird not wanting to fly. Okay, but your built to fly. I know, i’m gonna walk. And believe me these wings work, we’ve had to cancel a couple flights. That was the abortion joke. You have to have one. Joke or abortion take your pick. 

Look at me

We care so much about how we look. Women we put in so much effort into being beautiful, and I think we should be more like men, because they don’t really care about their bodies, and look at them, they’re successful. They’re presidents, they’re CEOs. You have never heard a CEO go, I want to get profiles up and get costs down and love me for me. You know who should care about their bodies, men! You have weird bodies, you’re gross! Your balls are gross. I’ve never seen a guy and been like, oooh I can’t wait to get his pants off and see that weird bag of stuff between his legs. What is it? It’s like a goblins coin purse, it’s like when you go to a haunted house and you stick your hand in a jar, and you’re like please be grapes. Balls seem like a real whoopsie. Like when you’re putting together furniture and you have  a few leftover pieces, and you’re like ah, those were supposed to go somewhere, they look important. I guess I’ll hang them from a sachet, even though the name sounds like a mistake. What are you gonna call me, scotrem? Okay I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was a bad time, I’m so sorry. You are so lucky what we get our faces near them, if a woman puts her balls in your mouth. You should pay her a lot of money, not in a prostitute kind of way. Like that was a very nice thing you just did, and i don’t know how to say thank you. Here is some money. It’s a selfish act, it’s selfless, there is not a single woman in the world sitting at her bookclub like you know what gets me off, a lumpy skin sack close to my mouth. I don’t know how we ever let you guys get away with calling our boobs saggy, your balls are saggy. You wear a bra. You make it fancy, you dress up for me! I get one winkle my career is over, I have to put paint on my face to leave my home, and you guys get to walk around with those winkle dangly bags of crap. You should have to put makeup on them, or at the very least googly eyes. I don’t know if that would be better or worse but it would be fun. He’s happy, he’s sad, he lost his boner, a real mr. mcgo. And the thing is I think we should all be ashamed of our body. Every single one of us. That’s why we wear clothes, that’s why animals have fur, have you ever seen a shaved cat, you look that cat in the eyes, you’re both ashamed. If you saw a turtle outside your shell! I don’t care how confident you are in your weird turtle body. Get back in there! Also can we be sure that turtles have bodies, just a head and feet, seems like it might be a scheme, and I’m the worst, tissue I say that we shouldn’t care about how we look but I work out all of the time. I run every day. I love running. I have no idea what I’m training for. Cause I’m not physically gaining any skills. The only way working out will help me in life is someone tries to rob or rape me. Something is chasing me for three to five miles at a moderately slow pace. From the beginning if some guy is like watch out I’m going to rape you, I’m like nah uh not unless you can keep this up for thirty ish minutes, altoughout I might have to stop about a mile in to stretch my hamstring. Could you help me with that, no funny business? Can you help me?


Women spend so much time trying to be beautiful. So much time. When ugly things are constantly happening to us. Like everyone month we get our period. I know, we’re not supposed to talk about it. It’s very nice that we’re not supposed to talk about it. It’s the only time a human is bleeding and that’s not what the conversation is about. Like if Paul got his arm ripped off, and it was shooting blood and he walked into the office, I should tell you, a couple of my guy friends have come up to me after my show and said, hey you shouldn’t use arm ripping off as your example, it’s too extreme. Oh is it? One of them actually said, you should use nose bleed instead, oh you think it’s like a nose bleed. All this time, I could have just tipepd my hips up and it would have gone away, I’m such a dumb lady. Both arms viciously torn from his body. It’s torn from his body he walks into the office, no one is going to be like how are the expense reports Paul? Great and I feel fine. Just a normal day for me. Nothing weird happening here. I don’t want to murder you. Paul wouldn’t be sneaking off to a corner of the office to see if blood had come through his bandage. That’s happening at your work, women are walking around like did i tie my shoe no I’m good never mind. And you poor dumb men, are like she doesn’t even have laces, carol is having a weird day. The only thing you ever ask about period sis when is it going to be over, and we always give you the same answer, soon, cause we have no fucking clue, it could be ten minute, it could be over in 3 days. It could be over in three days and then and take a break for two days and come back for a day. It can be gone and then we put on clean underwear and it’s like I smell white. A period is like an outdoor cat. You know it’s coming back but you have no idea when. And it’s probably going to have a mouse. I don’t know what mouse is in that analogue but it’s gross. Every day, every day, at some point during your day you talk to a woman who has her period and you don’t know it because she says things like I’m good, how are you? When all she wants to do is lay down on the ground and fart. That’s it, like a fart you’ve never heard before. A fart that as you’ve heard it your like, i don’t know who i am as a person. Like men if you don’t know what I’m talking about it’s the kind of art you leave a party for. One where you’re like get your coat we gotta go. No it’s not safe here anymore. We got to go. Honey, we’re on a cruise ship. It doesn’t matter we going swimming. That kind of fart. A lady fart. Do you know that picture of Marilyn Monroe where her skirt is going up. Yeah that wasn’t an air grate that was a period fart. Masubate to that. You also thinking why are you esomeotinla, why are you so emotion. Well maybe it’s the hormones, or maybe it’s the fact that i haven’t shit in a week, and i got a turd the size of Danny DeVito in me. Just a real angry Danny devito. Like I’m not going anywhere. I was the star of twins. That will make anyone cry, I think if men got periods we’d have a three week work month. I also think if men got periods they would have featured out a better way to deal with it. They would have demanded a better way to deal with it. All the money and science we have is a problem. Put down your science times we got a problem. We’ll save the children another day. Put down the monkey. The Monkey. The monkey can help, it’s all hands on deck. I used to get lipstick put on me. I don’t want to work on periods. Women it’s our fault we’re not futerhe alongin period technology because we’re okay that our best solution is a rolled up piece of cotton. We’re okay that our best solution is a craft project from a special kid. One who was like, I made you a Christmas ornament, the only advancement we’ve made is sometimes they’re smaller. That was the problem. We were causing too much of a problem carrying our bazookas to the bathroom. Women trade tampons stealthier than drug deals trade heroine. I’ve given out four tampons since I’ve been on stage, if there were only women dealing drugs in the Wire no one would have gotten caught. Sugar bell would still be alive, sugar bell wouldn’t have taken out a tampon. Is that gross because a woman today took it out then shook a hand and said I’m good how are you?

Nice Lady

I’m single. And i don’t want to be in a relationship, i don’t want to be in a relationship for the same reason I don’t want a kid. I don’t do anything in my life to be more important than me, but the jig is up, I’m not a nice lady. You know my friends will say things like aren’t you afraid of dying alone? Is that why you got married? You’re afraid of dying alone? So you have five minutes before you die. Well this isn’t the worst. Those 40 miserable years were the work– he died. I’m not scared of dying alone, I’m terrified of people seeing how I live. I live like a divorced dad who isn’t trying to get custody of his kids back. There is just hot sauce in the fridge, half of my bed is covered in laundry and it’s now in the shape of a person and whenever I wake I roll over and think today I’ll try to be better. 

Text me

I don’t want to be in a relationship. I don’t even like dating. I don’t. Sometimes I try to do it, sometimes I try to be a nice normal lady, I go  out on a  date. I went on a date with a personal trainer from my gym. I thought that would be fun. Big strong guy who can pick you up and then set you down in a controlled manner. The date was not fun, all he talked about was exercise, and then in the restaurant we were in that song, the empire state of mind came on. You guys know that song, New York concrete jungle where dreams are made  of, he sand the whole song. Both Jay Z and Alicia key parts. This joke is three minutes long, that song is four and half minutes long. Which means after this joke is over he’d still be singing for a minute and half, you know if someone is singing at you for more than four minute you are legally allowed to kill them. So finally the bill comes, it’s 84 dollars, he throws down forty and goes is that enough. And listen, I’m an indecent woman. I’ll pay for half my meal, but that’s not half, so I never want to see this guy again, but he keeps texting me. And one day he just sends me a picture of his bed, and I don’t know how to respond. I was like congratulating you on making your bed, so one of my friends goes, just text him you’re not interested. And then my other friend goes, text hint eh weirdest stuff possible i was like that’s the one I’m going to do. And I’m going to read them to you now. I took screenshots of them, I just have to scroll through a ton of selfies to get there. I know that some people don’t like selfies and you shouldn’t post them. I think you should take them and should post them but you should also post the number of times you tried taking the picture. This is me looking cute, 67. Can you just confirm these are real text messages. Alright, you heard it from that guy with a puka shell necklace. I guess we’ll have to trust him. No one has said that about a guy with a puka shell necklace before. They’ve been like i got ot cover this drink! He goes hey Michael, I go hey wildcat! That’s a pretty strong start. We’d been on one date, wildcat is an aggressive nickname out of the gate. Wildcat lol that’s new kind of like lol, what made you chose that nickname? And I go, just something tick tocking in my old noggin. That should be it right. If someone texted you that, you’d’ be like oh she’s insane, you’d never text them again. Instead he comes back with love it. Keep it up. How is your day. And honestly I get a little excited at this point, because he’s still holding one, and I know I need to shift it in a higher gear to lose him. I feel like I’m in  a car chase and I’m like alright buddy. Pretty good car sound. He goes how is your day, and I respond by still chipping away at the ham. That’s not a saying. For that to be a saying it means that at some point in time there were people who chipped ham, and it took so long that they’d have to send word to their families, sorry honey i can’t come home for dinner tonight, I’m still chipping away at the ham. You know at my job, at the ham chip factory, which does sound delicious. And this is how i knew he was a formidable opponent, he came back with shit make sure you leave a slice for me too, by the way I have the honey to go alongside with the ham, gross what’s the honey, didn’t want the honey. Take the honey away, if the honey is what i think it is, no woman has ever wanted the honey. Sometimes we take the honey to be nice, but honestly it’s innocent. Most of the time it’s like hey, watch out, I’m getting sticky. So I don’t respond. I need time, i need to regroup, i need to train, normally when I’m this stressed out I go to the gym but I can’t do that. Couple days later, he texts me, Hey Wolfgang lol. And i 100 percent believe he loled at that. He’s like she gave me a nickname, I’m going to give her a nickname. Wolfgang, haha. I am the best. Hi Wolfgang lol I was wondering if you’d accompany tomorrow night, I’m taking some of my clients out for their birthday. And I responded with no dice. The squirrelman got plans on plans on plans on waffles. That is some of the best work I’ve ever done. I’m sure squirrel man is a huge downgrade from wildcat, if someone started calling me wildcat and then switched to squirrelman I’d be like oh my god what did I do? And i don’t know what plans on plans on waffles means but it’s too much before breakfast and this bitch comes back with, oh cool make sure you don’t forget the syrup and I don’t know what to do at this point, because I’m pretty sure he’s falling in love with me. And I think maybe I’m falling in love with him, so I text him I love you. And then I never heard from him again. Thanks a lot guys you’ve been great, I’ve been Michelle Wolf!

Todd Barry – Medium Energy

Todd Barry – Medium Energy


Ladies and gentlemen, New York City. Please welcome Todd Barry. 

Oh wow, thank you. Thank you for that big live album style applause. We’re already off to a great great start. Holy shit this place Is packed out. Let me tell you what I’m going to be doing tonight, I’m going to be doing a mixture of really old shit that I’m tired of. Spiced up with some things that are too new to be performed but I’ll do them anyway. I guess what I’m saying Is that what I’m about to do Is a really shitty show for you guys. And thanks for coming out. Time to do some masturbation jokes. 


I saw a guy masturbating at an automatic teller machine. Yeah. I was totally silent and grossed out at first. And then I realized, hey there have been times when I’ve checked my balance and I find wow, I got a little more money than I thought, and you want to celebrate, but you just got to count to ten. Take a few deep breaths and move the celebration to another location. You gotta resist the temptation of those slutty bank machines. 


Some guys go crazy with the masturbation. I was reading this thing on Autoertic affixation. Some guys actually choke themselves with a belt while doing It. I read 800 men a year die from doing this. I was like, 800 a year, no way. Then I remembered how many times I nearly killed myself from just conventional masturbation. Just regular old meat and potatoes, mom and pop, missionary position masturbation. Has almost sent me to that little old lonely Ramada Inn room In the sky. Now I travel, and I’ve masturbated in every hotel chain, and I’m here to tell you, Ramada Inns are the best hotels to masturbate in, and no I’m not being paid to say that. 

Moves In Neighborhood

They’re always making movies In my neighborhood. And the filmmakers have very cute throats. They put a sign In my neighborhood, “We’re making a movie In your neighborhood, could you cooperate and cancel all your deliveries’ ‘ Okay. Hello drug store. Could you hold off on delivering my perspective. Yeah I don’t want my heart medication Interfering with the big Keith O’sutherland coming back. Nah It’s going to happen. It’s– don’t fucking delvier that shit. 


I grew up In Florida. Friend of mine took his first trip down to Florida, went to Disney World. He came back complaining that It was tourists. I was like, oh man don’t tell me that. The tourist found out about Disney World? Dman. That used to be my secret. Me and the guy after school used to rush over to the magic world, pay the 95 dollar admission fee. I try to avoid the tourists here, that’s why I go to a place called Planet Hollywood. Check It out If you want to hang with the townies and the locals. 

Air conditioning

I hated Florida, the only good thing about Florida, great air conditioning everywhere. I meet people every summer In New York who tell me they don’t like air condition they’re like “I don’t like air conditioning, It’s not natural,” and I guess I see their point. I mean what Is air conditioning, just a definite solution to a problem.  It’s hot In here. Click, now It’s cool In here. Oooh you’re right this does suck. You know It reminds me of that time I was hungry and I ate that food. That shitty statifiesed feeling. Who needs that, It taints naturally. It tatint. Hear my sophisticated voice. 

Big Bookstores

I even go to bookstore people. I like the Barnes and noble, the borders. They have the lowest pressure sales staff In the world. You can go In there, pull ten books off the shelf, “Hey where do I pay for these?” “Pay for them, you can read them here? What do you think the eight hundred couches are for? What are you studying for a test, here’s a highlighter.  Mark It up all you want. I don’t give a shit. Hey I noticed you have a  cookbook, anything you want to make” “Well there’s a chili recipe “”Rip It out. You’re Not goin to buy that huge overpriced cookbook for one recipe. That’s ridiculous. If I see you walking toward that cashier with that book, I will tackle you. I will rip that recipe out myself, I will drive you home and cook that recipe for you myself. So start a-ripping. My favorite shelf at the big bookstore, the staff recommendation shelf. Oh golly I need help picking a book out. How about seven habits of highly effective people, as recommended by Jimmie the stock clerk. What does It say on this little card, “I read this book and It turned my whole life around” Wow Jimmie what were you doing before you read that book? You only have the shittiest job In this place. 

KMart In New York

We have a Kmart now In New York City. New Yorkers were pissed off when K mart came to town. They were outside the store protesting. They didn’t even know what to say. They were like “ down with K-Mart and their merchandise that people can afford, down with K Mart and their 300 gallon drum of Laundry Detergent. Wow. I mean why don’t you go take your good values to another town. Let’s turn that building Into a vintage clothing store, the kind that sells used K-Mart shirts for 700 dollars”

Body Shop

I discovered the best store, this past holiday season. The Body shop? They should call this place “the last minute thoughtless gift warehouse” You could be asleep and shop there. Aaaah. Oh, grapefruit bath gel. My sister eats grapefruit, she bathes, boom! Hey nice bottle, no need to buy wrapping paper, totally shopping time, nine seconds. 

Answering Machine

Food or Music?

Food or Music? What do you think, lady? Music. We’re going to do some music jokes, by request. Before we get to those, we’re going to do the jokes I planned to do before the music jokes. 

Buy Parents House

I just bought my parents a house. Yeah. Yeah. That’s what all entertainers do when they get rich. They buy their parents a house. But I am not rich, so I bought my parents a house that Is worse than the one they already live In. They called me up all confused. Todd? Yes. Why do we have to move? Cause I bought you a house. Todd with all due respect, you bought us a shitty house. It’s not shitty. I’ll tell you what Is shitty, making those ten dollar a month mortgage payments. Now go Inside and say hello to your new crackhead roommates. I bought my parents a crack house. I just over explained that one. 

Sperm Bank Babies

But I was watching this A&E Investigative report, they had an episode about Sperm Bank Babies who were trying to find their biological fathers. ANd now the sperm banks are actually hooking these people up with an audiocastle message from their father. I wonder what the typical message is: “Hi Tommy, this Is your dad, stop looking for me. I never wanted afamily, I wanted 50 bucks. I’d love to keep on the chit chat, but I have about another thousand cassettes to make”

Real World

I like that Real world show. I just can’t believe they still find people who are willing to go on that show. I was talking to a guy once, he said that he went on that show because he could put It on his resume. Could you Imagine putting that on your resume, that’d backfire In your face. Ten years down the line, you’re at a job Interview, “Hey you were on the real, I used to watch that show, hey wait a second. You look a little familiar, you’re the guy who ate all of Becky’s pretzel. What the fuck Is your problem? You’re not really a team player are you? I am sorry, but we need team players here at walmart. My assistant, Puck will show you to the door” 

MTV Diary

MTV has that new show Diary. The day In the life of a musician. They had Snoop Dogg on, he gets on at the beginning he’s like “Hey this Is Snoop Dogg this Is the day In my life, you think you know but you have no Idea’ It’s like alright, Snoop’s gonna have some surprises. Net shot Is him on his tour bus, playing video games and smoking pot. Whoa, Snoop you’re  a man of your word. I expected to find you sitting there with a tattered copy of Romeo and Juliet, NPR In the background, look at you smoking pot. I thought I knew you but I In fact had no Idea. Snoop. 

Behind the Music

I like that Behind the Music show. Very Informative show. I was watching It the other day, I was like Oh my god, I didn’t know Billie Idol liked living life to the fullest. I watched the Bon Jovi episode behind the music, they kept using this phrase, “and then he went back to his roots, the next year he went back to his roots” I watched the whole show, I didn’t see one portion where he strayed from his roots. It’s’ not like “in 1987, Bon Jovi entered a new Jersey recording studio with just four sets of bagpipes and a wood block”

Grammy Award

I don’t like those grammy awards though. Always the famous shitty bands. You never see some poor struggling unknown garage band win. That would be nice. “And the album of the year goes to…. The Angry Ponchos? They couldn’t be here because their van broke down. They’re manager was going to accept the award for them, but he couldn’t get the night off from the video store”

Band with Orchestra

The only reason to watch the Grammy awards, sometimes a band will do something fancy. I was watching one year, Guns and Roses was playing with a full orchestra. And Guns and Roses wasn’t using full sheet music but the orchestra was. Slash can remember the tune. But the first chair violin player for the London Phil Harmonic, he’s having a little trouble. Whoa, A, whew tough, over to G, back to A curve ball. My 60 years of training did not prepare me for that. 

Boxed Sets

The big thing In music now, In record stores are these boxed sets. All the albums by one artist In a box. Someone there going “Oh, I’ve never owned anything by the Oak Ridge boys. I think It’s time I owned everything by the Oak Ridge boys. Let me see that, whoa! That Is heavy. 27 compact discs, hey It’s only five thousand dollars. Includes a hip-hop remix of El Vira! Giddy! Giddy on up. Giddy the mother fuck uppa

Behind Stage

Bands are getting greedy these days. I went to buy a ticket for some bands at Madison Square Garden. Guy said we only have a few tickets left, they’re 75 dollars and the seats are behind the stage. I said behind the stage, I said you know what I’m going to stay home. The guy said, stay home 40 bucks. 40 dollars to not see the big Micheal Bolton Huey and the blowfish, Celion Dion triple bill. With a special guest third eye blind, hey wait Todd that’s not a triple bill anymore, I just counted to four, shit ya got me. Ya busted me. 


Oh I saw this documentary on this band Fugazi. They’re what’s called a punk rock band. They have a lot of Integrity, they won’t charge more than 5 dollars  for their concerts. You know there has to be at least one guy In the band who Isn’t happy about this. The drummer Is gonna snap at some point, “Hey fellas can we stop a second, I had the craziest Idea, what If we charge 6 dollas. I was thinking that extra dollar times 800 people a night times five shows a week, equal I don’t have a roommate when I’m 47” that’s what I was thinking.

Bands Reuniting

There hasn’t been a fucking bogus reunion lately has there? The eagles are the one I remember . Every Time the band reunites they Interview me. “Oh yeah we had some problems you know, but one of us decided to pick up the phone and decided to knock some shit around. Just casually knock some tunes around” Oh yeah where are you going to be knocking some tunes around neck “August 14 at a giant stadium 600 dollars a tickets” Oh So it’s a caucus little hoonity thing. “Just going to knock some stuff around, then leave In 9 separate limousines” 


I got a message on my answer recently. It said hey Todd Barry this Is Elise from cosmopolitan magazine, call me back. I’m like, alright there Is going to be an article about me In cosmopolitan magazine. She answered the phone, hello photo department, this Is Todd Barry. She goes “Oh perfect we saw some of your work In nylon magazine, send you a book over’ I said there must be a photographer with my name. Then I realized I missed a primo opportunity to have some fun. Okay I’ll send my book over, then I would have bought one of those shitty cardboard cameras, taken pictures of my living room, tapped them to notebook paper. Send them to Elise, and then call her every hour. Hey Elise, did you get my book. Elise why aren’t you returning my calls. Hey Elise you called me .Elise.


I got to learn how to cook, I just got a wok. That’s a great thing to have. With a wok In the privacy of your home, you can make your own mediocre Chinese food, for fiddy cents less than takeout. Oh yeah I’m glad I got this wok, cause those spots In Chinatown just don’t make hot dog fried rice the way I do. Hot diggity diggity diggity.

House Cut

I have a simple taste In foods I make. Restaurants always try to fluff up their menu you know. I was at this restaurant, this guy was like yeah your food comes with house cut fries. Whoa. Hold the phone. House cut fries? Are you telling me, you guys are doing all your fry cutting In house? That Is unheard of most restaurants that ship that out to some Indiana sweatshop where young boys chop up the fries for fifty cents a day. But you have house cut fries, let me guess what’s making my drink all cold? House frozen Ice. Man, did I come to the right place .


I got to learn how to eat right man. I have been reading books on nutrition. They all say the same thing: eat fruit, eat lots of fruit, and keep on eating fruit. Close this book now and eat some fruit. Fruit, eat fruit. But what they don’t tell you about fruit, the dirty little secret about fruit, fruit sucks. Have you guys ever eaten this shit before. Oh It’s pretty, but It taste like fucking garbage. C’mon Todd what about the orange? Fuck the orange, the orange suck. Orange juice Todd? Okay you got me, I love orange juice. And I get confused too every time I drink It. I go how can something as delicious and delectable as orange juice come from something as evil as an orange? It doesn’t make any sense. Wow. I don’t think the fruit joke has ever gone over so well. 

Possible Heckle

Oh my god, with fucking, what’s that. Did someone heckle me with cameras rolling. Cameras roling fucking using thee lingo. Cameras rolling. 

Slop CD

Taking a lot of breakas. Todd this Is going to be one slop cd you’re putting out. It’s going to be edited on zip disc. That’s fucking little sketchy that It’s being recorded on zip disc. It’s a little sketchy, said he was going to come over tonight, am I getting ripped. No one when we finish editing It’s going to be slicker than a yes album. Todd, man I like you, but It was kind of over produced. 

Check with meal

Hey man, I was out, eating alone, that’s how all the freaks eat, they eat alone. I was at this restaurant alone In downtown New York, this guy was sitting at the other table alone. This Is how he ordered his food, “Yeah can I get the Veggie dinner and I uh, I always get my check with the meal” Not you can bring my check with the meal, I always get my check with the meal. I guess the waitress was supposed to say “Oh my god, I’ve heard about you, you’re the guy who always gets his check with the meal. You know, It’s been a crazy day. We  had two napkin tommies here earlier. See that guy over there, It’s desert before dinner Danny. What a great restaurant I work at” 

Thanksgiving Dinner

People always say, Thanksgiving dinner makes me sleepy. It makes me sleepy. Thanksgiving dinner makes me sleepy. You know what makes me sleepy.? Hearing about Thanksgiving dinner. So your mom puts ginger ale on the yams? You wouldn’t happen to have a green beans story on ya?

Stealing Backpack

This guy right here Is ready to hurl his backpack at me. Why are you holding that like that, afraid I might steal that? He seems to be fucking around a lot up there. I got a Weezer bootleg. Is that all true, really? God, I’m a bright , perceptive guy. 

Tattooed Women

I love tattooed women. I go crazy when I see a tattoo on a woman. I don’t even care what It Is. 

Oh this? It’s a soybean. Of course It Is. At first I thought It was rice crispy, but that would be ridiculous. 

Neck Tattoo

A big ol’ tattoo on the side of a neck. Anytime I see someone with a neck tattoo, I want to go up to him and say “Hey man, you forgot to not do that” but uh oh, you forgot. You’re trying to get a job teaching kindergarten but no one will hire you because you have a neck tattoo. That’s the way I talk to guys with neck tattoos. They get very Intimated. 

In a Band?

Are you guys In a band? A lot of tattoos with no musical ability. You gotta back up those tattoos. Play something. Play like a small drum kit or something. 

Prison = Hotels

I got roped Into a conversation recently, about the death penalty. This guy Is like “We gotta have the death penalty because prisons are like hotels” how are they like hotels? “They’re like hotels, because they got color tvs.” oh, like In hotels. Can’t argue with that. They have to have color tvs In prisons, do you know how hard It Is to find a black and white set these days. I don’t want my tax dollars being spent, to send to prison officials roaming from yard sale to yard sale, looking for an old magbox to tortue these guys with. And I’ve never been to prison, but I’ve stayed at a lot of hotels. And from what I understand In prison, they give you a much more severe wake up call, that was an anal rape joke. But at least I wasn’t wet. I wasn’t wet candy. Ohhh Wet candy. Wet candy. Get my seven dollars back. I don’t think that’s protected In the constitution, there gotta be limits. 

Couples who Agree

I have been hanging out with couples. I’m so tired of hanging out with these people and we agree on everything. They just agree on everything! Ask me about a movie they went to, we liked It. We thought the script was good, we do think he should have used different lighting In the exterior shots, really you both came out of the theatre thinking that? Even a husband and wife lighting tema wouldn’t do that. Even a couple with a lifetime subscription to a lighting magazine would not come up with that. At the same time. 

Coffee Maker

I just got one of these coffee makers with a timer on It. So you can have hot fresh coffee as soon as you wake up but thing Is, I have no Idea when I’m going to wake. I have to take a chance every time. Set this thing for, I don’t know, maybe two o’clock In the after, maybe, I had a rough night, I sleep till four In the afternoon, what do I wake up to, a hot fresh pot of nasty coffee. How am I supposed to start my day people? 

Class Act

I was reading an article In the New York Post the headline was “Class act” and It was about the beastie boys,  and how they once had the song that said “I hate faggots” and then they apologized for It. Apologizing for It Is probably better than not apologizing but I’m not sure It makes you a class act. Hey that was really big of ya man, the way you fucking I hate faggots thing down twenty years after you said It, not a lot of people would have the balls ot do It. 

Offer to Crowd

I’m going to make an offer I didn’t make last night, If anyone In this crowd runs Into me In the street, tells me they were at this taping, and If I remember, and I happen to have the cds on me, you can have one for five dollars. 

Too Many Diet Pepsis

People talk too much, that’s the problem. I was standing at a urinal recently, the guy next to me has to start a mid stream conversation. He stands “hey, how Is It going? Fhew, too many diet pepsis at dinner, hey I don’t know If you heard me, Too many diet pepsis at dinner” and It was awkward because I was just about to ask him, “Hey buddy, what beverage brough tya In here today,” the traditional mens’ room Ice breaker was totally shot down. How am I supposed to make new buddies. 

Coke Vs. Pepsi

I went to a movie theatre downtown, I overheard this conversation going on between two concession stand workers– It was a coke vs pepsi conversation. I had a few minutes to kill before the movie, so I said this might be worth a little listen. This woman actually said and I quote “I like coke, I hate Pepsi with a passion” and It made me very sad for her. Because her body Is telling her that she hates something, that tastes exactly like something she loves. But then I thought about It, I thought about some of my own little quirks, and I actually wrote some down, cause I realized when I was thinking about It. I like sprite, but I hate seven 7 with a fevor equal to the KKK’s hatred of blacks, gay, and jews. And I was thinking about It some more, I hate glazed donuts, but I hate honey dipped donuts with the same Intensity as the pope hates a woman’s right to choose. And I really enjoy the post rason brand, but I’d rather change Into a dress, put on a blonde wig, be thrown Into the showers at rikers Island then eat kellogg’s raisin bran. You were worried about that one, but then oh shit you ended up clapping. 


Prostitution should be legalized, am I right fellas? Prostitutes adversity In the yellow pages they do, you see ads for messages services, escort services. And they have slogans like any other business, I saw one that said “we give the best service, no hidden charges,” what kind of hidden changes you gonna get from a prositution. Guy Is going ot get his bill, ah okay 200 dollars for sex, 50 dollars for RUST PROOFING, hey sunshine can you come here a sec? I hate to call you on this, especially since I’m standing here In a prom dress. And I’m the sheriff of this here town, now I will pay for the sex, I will even pay for the collision Insuranc ,ehey what’s the deal with the late fee .I’m going to have to resign to the fact that the late fee thing will never get a laugh. 


I had sex reently, took out the box of condoms, she takes the box from my hands looks at It goes hey Todd, good choice. Good choice. Now I didn’t expect her to be a virgin, but this Is no time to show brand loyalty. I was waiting for her to break Into a testimony, Todd sti down and let me tell you a little bit about the condom you selected. Todd this Is a trojan lubricator with a reservoir tip. I think It’s the best condom made by Todd, and I should know. And what Is the deal with the reservoir tip, reservoir , Isn’t that a little grandiose term for a little quarter Inch plastic bubble. Oh Honey I hope It doesn’t break, I don’t want to contaminate the groundwater 

3 Pack

But I saw a guy buying a three pack of condoms. A three pack.I need a 12 pack for one night, I do. Cause you know nine of them are going to go flying across the room. At nine separate angry girls. 

Larry King

Everyone Is getting laid though. I saw Larry King Interviewed on TV, he’s like 65 years old, and has eleven wives. He’s’ like “Hey would I be boasting If I said I didn’t need Viagra” I don’t know boasting. I might call It lying. And why would you even think about boasting about a medication you don’t need. “Hey Larry, what are you doing tomorrow, do you have any free time?” “Of course I do, It’s not like I’m on Chemotherapy or anything. When you are cancer free, like me, got a wide open dance kart” 

Lady In Audience with Cap

Hey Lady you alright? All dress up, crazy, catty cap on. You thought you were going to get better seats weren’t you? I’m going to get a good seat cap on. She’s got her good seats cap on. Are you comfortable? That’s a huge diamond Is It real? You’re alright, okay. I forgot what question she answered. I don’t think she answered that diamond question I asked. You just fucking ruined my project here lady. Todd Barry, the diamond cd. Totally fucked up by you lady. Lady. Lady. Lady. 

Party Invitation

I got Invited to a party recently, I think It’s going to be a crazy ass party, cause the hours are listed as the Invitation as nine till question mark. WWW When Is It going to end? Mama I don’t know when to tell you to come get me. Any time you see nine till the question mark, the general answer to the question Is nine fifteen. This Is usually a shitty party. Stuff your pockets full of bean dip and hit the road. Did you guys like the way I said road? I thought that was kind of adorable. I’m just trying to be as unbiased as possible about that. Cute cute cute. 

Lavender Shirt

Cute cute cute. Almost as cute as this adorable Lavender shirt I’m wearing. Trust me, people listening at home, It’s adorable. I was talking to a friend of mine about my lucky adorable shirt, I was like you know, I was half joking, I was like I always get laid when I wear this. He goes why don’t you wear It every day then? To which I fired back, what women wants to fuck a guy who wears the same shirt everyday, trying to go fucking toe to teo with Ill gucking bury you, see the way I fucking buryied you man. 

Fastest HJ’s

People say to me all the time, Todd you’re a genius, you’re adorable. I’m just telling you what people say to me, Todd, you must get laid constantly. And maybe I do, yes of course I do, but I’m not one to tell hero stories people. I have friends who tell hero stories about anything. I had a friend we were In a bar a woman walks by he goes, “Oh I know that woman, she gives the world fastest hand jobs,” I didn’t even know what to say to him, the world’s fastest handjob, oh she’s like the cheetah of the handjob kingdom. Don’t get me wrong people, I hate a slow meandering hand job as much as the next guy, It’s just like I’ve never looked down and gone, c’mon baby time Is money, so put the pedal to the medal. I got a show to catch. Man, I never would have predicted the hand job joke would have blown the roof off like It did, I almost left that one out, that’s one of those whew situations. Where you’re like, I almost got on that plane and It crashed. Whew. I think that’s a totally parallel situation, me almost leaving the hand job joke out, do you guys– clap If you enjoyed that hand job joke. I do believe we have our single. 


I used to do temp work before I was a multi Millionaire stand up comic. These temp agencies take themselves so seriously they would always tell me to dress up, no matter how shitty and degrading the job was. Hey Todd we got a job for you tomorrow, Whew! How did you get so lucky? It’s working at the mailroom at a slaughterhouse. Being there five am, don’t forget to dress up, cause we got some complaints when we sent you to the nerve gas facility. Saw you In the mail room, my boss Is working my ass off, he’s yelling at me like “Todd how come you ain’t stuffing the envelopes fast enough?” I don’t know, maybe because I’m wearing a tuxedo. You let me take this cumerbun off, I’ll throw the cane down, I’ll go to town on those envelopes. I’ll even keep the top hat on, unless you’d like to wear It, It might go well with that bob seger concert t-shirt you’re wearing. Sir. 

Gym Renewal

I used to go to this gym, and I stopped going not only because I hated going there, but you have to deal with the assholes that work there. Asking you to renew your membership like the first half hour you’re there. This guys Is giving me the spiel “Todd, you can use all our locations we just opened one In Tokyo,”  “That will come In handy when I start playing drums for cheap trick”

Crazy Mixtape

I got to go on the road soon. Yeah I have to drive sometimes with a guy for like 6 hours, another comic. And I never bring music. And I always have to deal with the guy with a crazy mix tape. “Hey do you have any music?” “Oh! Top this baby In. All these bands are from south bend Indiana,” “holy shit, Is that the south bend Indiana mega mix? I heard about, last week I listened to AKron ohio a go go” 

Hit on Staff

Many people ask me all the time, Todd , when you go on the road, do you hit the waitstaff?” People , I am a professional, and I have a policy. I will not hit on the wait staff until every opportunity In the audience has been exhausted, It’s called professionalism. Okay, alright. 

Movies at Motel

I checked out of a hotel a few years ago. The guy accused me of watching too many movies I didn’t watch. I said I didn’t watch them, he said are you sure, I said yeah I’m sure. He said “Did anyone else have access to the room” “well, I did give a set of keys to siskel and ebert, ya think? Man I’m glad you grilled me on this” 

Austin Complaint

I just worked down In Austin Texas. Someone complained to the manager that my voice was too monotone. First Of all, I didn’t even know you could complain about that. I didn’t even know that was on the list of legit things you could complain about. My meal Is cold, that’s legitimate, I ordered spirits, they gave me ginger ale, that’s legitimate, but honey this guy’s voice Is kind of monotone, go get the manager. And I just fantasize about getting this woman’s phone number and calling her up. And saying “hello. This Is Todd Barry, I understand that you had a problem with my voice being too monotone, well I have been working on It. Tell me what you think, here It goes, cunt cunt cunt cunt. Wow that’s quite a range I have”

Nate Bargatze – Full Time Magic

Nate Bargatze – Full Time Magic

I’ve got to go name my chapters

Than you wow. Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh um. It’s uh, you know. I’ll be honest with you, I don’t think the show is going to be as good as that, I think I’m going to let you guys down. Dang. Feel like we peaked. Let get doing it. Or something. I’m un, very excited to be here, I’m married, this is what marriage feels like by the way. Just one person talking, I’m gong get out of here. It’s, that’s, we ‘re from Nashville me and my wife were in Nashville last summer and we were floating on the water and there was a guy in a boat, and my wife was like that’s my ex boyfriend in that boat. Now, I didn’t know who he was so she didn’t have to say that at all. She was basically like, were you having fun, cause I’d like to put a stop to that, and make you stare at this guy the rest of the day. So I’m staring at this guy and I look at my wife and she’s staring at him. And I feel like she’s staring at him to see what her life would be like if she hadn’t married me, so I’m staring at him like I wonder what my life would be like if hadn’t married her. You know. And we were putting so much pressure on this guy. And, we stared at him for a while, and he did something exciting at all, and looked back at each other, and you know what we didn’t have a boat, that was the only different. My friend was like why didn’t you fight him, well I would have to swim over to fight him don’t know how inundating that is, just see a guy’s head in a lifejacket. Then I would have to get in a boat. Have you ever tried to get in a boat from water? It’s not aggressive. It takes an hour if no one is in the boat, like, if he’s in there I’m never going in. I can’t tell you why but I really need this boat. 

Continue reading “Nate Bargatze – Full Time Magic”

Sold out, Suck it! – Kyle Kinane Transcribed

Sold out, Suck it! – Kyle Kinane

Corporately Stifled

A 22 year old dick having sunglasses on riding a skateboard all the time. Shouldn’t’ be able to organism just like awesome all the time, it’s all it should be. I don’t understand you mind and your body should be one system, it’s put together that way. Just one machine that gets you through the world safely, the mind and the boy, here’s the office and hers the warehouse.. It should all work together to do that. Except my mind and my body are not working together to do that. My mind and my body are not a symbiotic relationship, it’s a spy v spy cartoon, putting bombs in each other’s pocket every single chance it can get. There is a woman of age who wants to have consensual sex with you no stings attached, really, yeah, I’m nervous. PHHHH. Let’s have a conversation about brunch for 3 hours now. Are you on a field trip right now, Kylie? Are you in front of the Vietnam memorial right now, what’s happening now, really weird boner, three dead soldiers in a row all named Oscar, yeah yeah what the fuck. Are you okay Kyle, just getting real emotional you guys go ahead. Jesus Christ why. Betrayal. 

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Emily Heller – Good for her Transcribed

Emily Heller – Good for her

An impression to start

Oh thank you. Thank you so much. Keep it going for Josh Gondelman. I am so happy to be here.

I am going to start with an impression, if that’s okay. I promise it’s the only one I’m going to do. It’s the only one I know how to do. But! I think I might be the best in the world at it. I hope you haven’t heard it before. This is an impression of my mom, or rather who my mom has become since my parents got a small dog. Because I went home recently and this was a real conversation we had. “Do You wanna see Buster’s new trick? Buster. Buster. Buster sat down. Buster, Buster! Busty boy. Bust. Bust. Buster brown. Buster sat down. Buster! He was doing it before.” Thank you, thank you so much. 

Oh my gosh. I want you to know that I shorten that. You’re welcome. Also you know, I’ll go ahead and acknowledge I know you guys are not the ideal audience for that impression. It’s not anything against you, I’ve just already performed that for its ideal audience, which is my brother: stoned. He listened to that for like an hour. It’s not gonna get better than that, I’m at peace with it, we’re gonna have a fun night. 

Continue reading “Emily Heller – Good for her Transcribed”

Andrew Dice Clay Dice Transcribed

Andrew Dice Clay – Dice

What If The Chick Gets Pregnant….

Ahhh, let’s say your fucking. Let’s say your fucking, I don’t know, your fucking dog style, right? Let’s say your fucking dog style and the chick gets pregnant. I mean, ah, would the kid pop out backward. I don’t know. I saw some chick walking around with a big hump on her back, say you were fucking dog style huh. 

Mother Goose

Little Miss Muffle sat on a tuff, eating a Kurds and Wayne, along came Miss Spider and sat down beside her. Said hey, what’s in the bowl bitch. Oh. Jack and Jill went up the hill Both with a buck and quarter, Jill came down with two-fifty. Ah, fucking whore. Little boy blue, he needed the money. Was an old lady who lived in a shoe, had so many kids, her uterus fell out. Jack be nimble jack be quick, jack burnt off his fucking dick. Oh, mother, Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her old dog a bone, she bent over, () took over oh. She got a bottle of her own. Mary Mary quite contrary trim that pussy it’s so damn hairy, oh. Alright, I see you’ve been doing your homework. But you see, that’s where I can’t go. I’m not happy with the old shit. Let’s do a few more. Peter, a pumpkin eater, had a wife who loved to beat her, smacked her twice across the head then went to bed. Little bow peep fucked a sheep she licked his ass so good tongued his balls not once but twice. Mary had a little lamb she kept in her backyard, when she took her panties off his wooly dick got hard. Hicky dicky dock, some chick was sucking my cock the clock struck two I dumped my goo I dumped the bitch on the next block end of the story. Good old mother goose, I fucked her. Didn’t have any fucking choice. Two ticks a hoe and a heartbeat that’s all it takes for me. I hate when you see a chick, oh she had a great personality, but does she suck a good dick. My friend Joey has a good personality too. But I don’t want him to blow me. 

A Day At The Beach

That’s why I don’t understand the whole faggot thing. To me, that’s common sense. I don’t see how a guy lies on a beach sees another guy’s hairy ass and says oh, I’ll eat that. I gotta have that. I ain’t leaving the beach till I see him. And they’re too sensitive they don’t know if they want to be called gays, homosexual, faires. I call them cocksuckers. I think it spells it out. What’s the big debate about it? Yeah, they want their rights, I’ll give them their rights, ten percent off vaseline now get the fuck back in the closet. It’s unbelievable. I can’t deal with it anymore. You have all kids now. Not just the regular, it’s these trans testicles now. You ever one of them that’s a nice Sunday surprise. Meet the girl of your dreams, wine and dine her, take her home, put your hand up her skirt, and hold a tree trunk. What do you say, hey for a chick you have some set of balls. And bisexual, let me explain something, there is no bisexual, no such thing. You either suck dick, or you do not suck dick. I mean, what are these guys. Do they get up in the morning and flip a coin? Heads I want, tails I want balls across the nose, oh. What a choice huh. I mean you never see a black guy being a guy. How do you give a guy heads from three blocks away and say I love you? Blacks are proud of their pensis, they hold onto it like someone is going to rip it off, you see me, coming down the street Yeah. You know a lot of people say to me, Moby, why are you always holding your dick? Well, it wouldn’t be gentlemen to leave it dragging it around behind me. And why you’re at why don’t you be a gentleman and snack the toilet. And plunge the kitchen sink, it can always use it. The blacks know what I’m talking about. They know, throw it up here let me just show em. 

Moby and The Japs

But I give him the credit he has the balls. Fuckin’ balls that’s all it takes in this world. Like, look at these jack acts. This madam butterfly, wap (?) using little motherfucker, I mean I go into a bank, the name of my bank is Hmmm Hm Hm, they’re taking over. Didn’t we drop two bombs on them years ago? What was in those bombs, fucking fertilizer? And they’re the worst drivers, I mean how do you drive with your eyes ¾ closed. You could blindfold these people with fucking dental floss, you don’t give them keys to a car. You don’t put your money in their fucking bank. You kick them out of the fucking country  

Doctors and Nurses

You don’t let shit like this happen. I try to stay cool. You know what I mean, I don’t know man, maybe it’s me. I just don’t get it. I’m having a hard time with people lately, I’m even seeing one of these psychopaths. I went in, I said, doc I’m having a hard time making friends you cocksucker. Can you give me some advice? So he sends me for a physical, right, let me tell you something, doctors know nothing about the body, it’s unbelievable. Number one I come walking in, the nurse comes over, gives me a cup of urine, you take cream and sugar with that honey? Maybe a donut on the side? So now she sends me into the doctor, he’s checking me out. I think everything’s alright. Just as I”m getting dressed the guy jammed a finger up my ass. This man goes to school for 35 years to learn about the body, you don’t jam your finger up someone’s ass. Aim and. Tickle it. Get me excited about the project. Then he starts juggling my keelsons like he’s looking for ripe tomatoes, so I’m going doc back off this ain’t no fuckign social call. So you know what this fucking nitwit tell me?


He says you need to cut down smoking, so I’m like okay, but did you have to stick your hand up my ass to find this out, number one I’m smoking 15 years, my lungs don’t bother me. Smoking doesn’t bother me. I’m telling ya I job five miles a day. And smoke. I smoke when I’m banging a chick. Sometimes they get a little pissed, the ashtray slips off their ass every now and then, so you give them a little sizzle, and then it’s honey. Move that fucking thing honey. You want me to call again. But wherever you go, people, I’m out with the pig a few weeks ago. She goes, you know you really shouldn’t smoke, it’s a dirty habit. So is wiping my ass but nobody is banning that. You go into a movie theatre the minute you sit down, big sign, no smoking. That’s when I get up. And there is always that one couple a few seats away. Oh, look at him, he’s smoking, oh yeah, and I”m jerking off too, wanna come a little closer, I’ll butter your fucking popcorn, all over the country stop cigetrrets, everywhere. Up in San Francisco the fag capital of California they pass a bill you can’t even smoke in the street, they put in jail. It offends people. But it’s okay if you want to butt slam your buddy. Yeah, slap them in the face with your dick a few times that’s not offensive. You can smoke a baloney foney but fucking a car body, what’s wrong with people? 

The Attitude

Nobody tells me what to do, not even me. Suppose to be nice to people, fuck you. Nice to be back in Philly. I like the attitude. You get into a car in Philly man, you better have an attitude, Cause the minute you pull up to a red light it’s got to stall. You know the guy next to you looks over. Did you get a fucking problem? What’s your fucking problem huh, I get out of this fucking car, stick a pipe up your ass. Those are the chicks. Cause out in the hall, that wouldn’t’ be I’m telling you. You cross a crowded street and cars won’t stop. They’re trying that here, ya know. Guy tries to stop the street, it’s like hey joey he’s trying to make it. He ain’t even halfway across the street I wanna see him fucking leg lift. There someone for the time in the street, everything is a fucking act. Excuse me, you know what fucking time it is, huh? You can’t afford a fucking watch, what do I look like big fucking bento you, go fuck yourself. Your mother’s a whole did I ever tell you that, your a prick fuck yu. Guess you don’t’ know the time hun. 

No Pity

Aw man, then you go into manhattan you got em all there. No pity. No fucking pity. Like when these panhandlers are over you know. Hey man, you got some spare change? I only carry hundreds, you fucking smelly sleazy bum. I’m the guy who put my boat in your eye when you were asleep an hour ago. What am I giving you money for, fuck you I got a family. You got your monies, your harry cricketer, would you like to buy a pencil, yeah and I’m sharpen in your fucking asshole. What do I need a pencil for, I’m waiting on a fucking bus. Give me a dollar. 

The Golden Age of Television

Bingo. Move away from here. California, now that’s what you want to be, so they loaded up that hunk of shit they call trunk and moved to Beverly Hills. Swimming pools, movies, dykes, faggots, hookers, mass murder, drug addicts, earthquakes, a great place to bring up a family huh, The old tv shows I really love. Like I dream of. No, she wasn’t a whole. But this major Nelson, he was a putz. I mean he fines this fucking chick, she walks around the house her tits are hanging out. And if you get real close to the tv as I do, you can see the bush. Oh, she had a hair bud that would knock your aunt Connery’s hair off. She’s not one of those women today that wax it. Designer pussy that’s in today. I want to wax, I want something that I can plant tomatoes in the summer and water this shit. He’s on tv, no you don’t do anything, give it to me just one. For an hour, I’d be like okay genie, you want to do something. Okay, I want you to make your tongue about six feet long. And lick the back of my balls from the other side of the room. All your worth. 


It’s unbelievable man people and then the cops I’m driving down here tonight, right, this guy pulse me over, me! He comes over to the car, I clocked you at 70, I know snapper, I would have hit 90 but you stopped me. He goes are you drunk, I go yeah, a little horny too, wanna suck my dick. So now he’s telling me to get out of the car and walk the white line, and “m like number one the yellow lines I don’t walk without a net, that’s just the way I am. Cops, man, you need a copy today you don’t call 911, you call Dunkin donuts. Tha’s where they cause let’s face that’s where times really happen. People are walking in with machine guns, okay order glazed, in a fucking box, the machines too, let’s move, so by the time these fucking cops even catch up to you, eh’s got powder on his face he’s got fudge on his fucking fingernails, the handcuffs are slipping out of his fuckign hand. I’m like hey lemme put em on, go clean yourself up, are you a copro ac circus act? 

Couples in Love

You know I was, I was just going to do something. No, no-no. shut your mouth, honey. I got a game we can play. It’s called Pinocchio, you sit on my face and I tell lies. I was going to put the mic back in the stand, but because of this group, because of the way I feel. I’m going to work with the mic off the stand. I knew you’d appreciate it. This way I can get to meet a few of you. It’s always nice to meet couples in love. YOu are in love with her aren’t you pal? You see isn’t she sweet. I’m sure her pop would be pleased with that. What’s your name, any idea? I asked you a question. Carol? The first time you nailed her? Just a quick question, was she any good? Was she any good? She was good. She was good. Let me ask you another question about your sweet little angel, how do you think she got to be that way? You want to answer that carol, what you don’t think I see the stretch marks around your mouth. The bottom line you suck a good dick yes or no, Can see suck a dick and lay back with a beer, to me that’s a lady. Cause today they don’t suck dick the way they used to. They dabble in it. Oh, look at the way it jumps. It sings and dances to let suck it, honey. And if they do you the favor do they even complete the job, they’re like, well I don’t want that stuff to come out. Wells at are you expecting a tuna on rye honey? That’s why when I start, I put a little crazy glue around the rim, consider the job done, it has its drawbacks, you walk into work Monday, you got some chick swinging from your dick but it’s a beautiful thing right. You’re friend comes over at work, hey dice you have a good weekend, hey carol. Finished up already puddy lips. And how you gusy doing, you got a good relationship going? you’re doing fucking great. I see you what I’m dealing with you pal. You got the attitude it’s okay.

When I was Young

The attitude’s okay. You hear me, it’s okay. The second I was born the doctor smacked me in the ass and I looked t him and go doc, you got a fucking problem? And then you know what they do the second you’re born? They throw you in the nursery with like 30 40 kids you’ve never seen before in your life. So I”m sitting there, bored out of my mind, so I ask this one kid, I go putz, you got a light for me? Kids laying there, taking a  dump in his diaper, drolling, so I’m saying this kid ain’t’ go no fucking glass. I put on my leather, waiting for some fucking service. Goes a plastic nipple in my mouth. I look at her sweetheart, who ya teasing, pick up the dress, we’re gonna mow the lawn today. Don’t ever tease me like that. Even in school k 12 noon, when you’re in kindergarten the teacher comes over, tries to dominate your life. Drink your milk. I rip open her blouse. I say, honey. I like it from the tap. Yeah, teachers man. They expect you to know the answers to them. I used to love that shit. It’s like on time I’m doing the old muffle shuffle on my piss pump right? I ain’t bothering nobody. Stick. The teacher starts breaking my balls. She’s like Dice, what’s the difference between two eggs and three eggs? I’m like that’s what I say, what the fucking difference, what do I get a new car if I guess the answer? I just went out. I got a new 88 caddy with all the options. My first option was to not make any fucking payments on it. Ya see what I’m saying to you. People have no fucking brains.


People have no fucking brains, like in shampoos, you go into every fucking store, they got every kind of shampoo for your head. Not one thing for the genitals, when his head and shoulders are going to wake up. I mean think of the commercials, they’d make a killing. First part of the commericial you see this chick talking with a friend “You know I went out with him last week, but you know, his balls are flakey,” then you see the guy int eh shower, he’s scrubbing them, they’lre like glowing int he fucking dark alright, now she’s all smiling, she’s licking his ass, his balls, she’s like “Gee you’re balls smell terrific,” for me taht would work. 


But women aren’t all head and shoulder, and they probably don’t know much about the penis. You know honey, I knew it was hot and sunny before I even got out of bed today. Ask me hon, ask me why. WHy. because my balls were hanging low. ELts’ say they’re really tight, we’re talking rainstorm. Half mask, cloudy with a chance of a shower, that’s right honey the penis thinks for itself, it has its own brain, why do you think the head is bigger than the rest. I could prove it has a mind of its own. You ever get up in the morning, and it’s already awake? He’s dressed, he’s ready to go. He’s int he kitchen making fucking flapjack, you’re in bed going, c’mon joey, five more minutes. The penis is going to take me shopping. I need a new hat. But you remember when we first came out with hard-on. Third first grade, you lean over like the hunchback of Notre Dame, the teacher calls you up to the board and you’re like haha I don’t think so honey. You’re the teacher, you figure it out, I got some kind of ligament over here, I don’t know what’s going on. This thing is like alien drilling into the desk next to me. Call a cop. Maybe I’ll throw a donut around. But you grow up you learn to accept the hardon, execute the pee hard on that’s god joke. You get up late to work, you gotta take squirt and joey admiring the canderle. You gotta stand there like a mono and talk him down. C’mon joey I dig you we gotta dot i’s and cross t’s later, work with me. Yeah, the morning is hard on, I’ll put that up against the ginzo knife. Little slice little dice, it’ll pump your car up if you got a  flat tire. See what I’m saying cow? 

The Bait

So you think you’re gonna marry her. I don’t. Not if you really care for her. Ya don’t marry her. Ya don’t move in with me. Don’t even act like you like me. Don’t you know that? Everything changes when you marry me. Cause when you’re dating em here, ya dating her. WHose dating? Huh. He’ll tell ya when ya dating, they’re banging the shit out of you, cause that’s the thing, but once they get ya. They forget about sex unless it’s with a friend of yours. OH yeah, I know what it’s like, I’ve been there. You’re sitting there in the house, so he’s doing a little vacuuming. Little black panties creeping up her ass, So you go over gently sticking your head up her ass. All of sudden she’s shoddy too, what are you doing why are you doing that. I figured I’d fuck you. Fuck. It’s too hot. Oh, I gotta build you an igloo and once you get them in bed, you gotta hear shit like, oh why do you have to make love from me behind, don’t you like to look at my face when you make love with me. I don’t know your face, your ass, what’s the difference? I can stick my dick in either one, just get it done. They don’t’ appreciating anything. All the times ya banged her, she ever said thank you. No. what’s coming to me. I don’t know about you but I try to give them a show. I pull their hair. Wrap in the head a few times, kick their ass. Say all the little things they want to hear, like fufk pig. Howl skank I mean turno n words, I mean when you really think, when you got her legs pinned by her earlobes like bugs bunny, that she wants to hear I love you you figure the rest out. 


But that’s why masturbation is so beautiful. Man, I’m spanking it since I’ve been five. I didn’t even know why I was doing it, just knew it needed to get done. Then I when I hit 13 and a little goo came out, I thought I broke the fucking thing. Man, I screwed everything in the house when I was a kid. Socks, gloves, my mother has a mink coat that doesn’t need a  hanger anymore. I remember my mother going, we’re having liver tonight, thinking yeah I had it last night ma. Oh, it was good. Jello wasn’t bad either. And don’t think they don’t do it, they don’t use fancy fingers, we’re talking machinery, black and decker, they come home from the neighborhood store, they got one of these, “Oh it’s only a massager” oh really? I never saw a massager that could blow a hole through a steel wall. And they come in speeds, slow medium and blow my brains out. And then men wonder, while women are with the 3-inch killer why huhu you got to be kidding. You got to look at this thing I can drop () on this. Now put that away before you get hurt. 


I don’t even go with the good looking ones no more. Too much disease out there, ya know what I’m saying? When I look for a girl I look for something a little more unique, I go into a bar, the aisle pops. Man, she gets. Old enough to fucking David. Maybe three-four hundred and fifty pounds. Type of chick that looks like she doesn’t even have any legs. Celluloid dripping off the ears. Three chins in the back of her head. ANd I”m standing there saying to myself, nobody eleven thought of fucking that. Nobody’s even talked to it. I’m gonna make her mine. So I go over and I start charming her. Is ay shit like, hey how are you doing honey? And guess what. I got fudge. Hershey chocolate kisses. We’re talking Haggin dass babe. So by now, she’s drooling. What do I do, now I wheel her back to my apartment. I got to butter her hips just to get her through the fucking door. This chick used to come to me every three weeks. I just dropped thirty pounds, yeah from your belly to your ass honey. I mean anyone could bang a good looking chick, you ever bang a big fat pig, it’s like taking a ride. There’s nothing like hogging, you guys know that. AH man, number one you get behind them you have to strap yourself in, because they. And then you grab on to a set of tit, and you don’t know where the tits begin the belt ends. It’s like one big lop of shit ya know. And she starts swinging from side to side, the celluloid is flapping off the fucking walls, you’re dodging for your life ya know. And you just jam it in, but you don’t even give a shit where it goes, you’re just jamming it in. You know you’re that fat when you’re doing 69 and you can’t even hear the radio. I’ll tell ya. I gotta a snorkel hanging out of this chick’s ass, and with the positions today you got to bend em, fold em, strength em, you gotta be fucking Gumbi to make love. And women, they got contraception, they got everything. You can fuck me, and take a shave at the same time. I’m like honey you mind if I use a little I”m gonna moose today. Everything they got in there, you, coils, slinky, tar batteries, I don’t know whether to fuck her or change the oil. 

No Guilt

You see that’s why I stick to the one night stand, does anyone here have a one night stand beside everyone in the room? Here’s my impression of a one night stand, ugh! Get out. It hurts when a woman does that to me, I’m a guy like that. There are just no morals. Like I picked up this chick the other week.Get her back to my place, five minutes she screams, fuck me silly. Put on a clown suit, I mean what would you do. I felt retarded. I met a chick last night, she said give me 12 inches and hurt me. I fucked her twice and hit her in the head with a brick. Oh, women get pissed off about the one night stand, you’ll hear them say, why is it that a guy can go out a duck a hundred chicks but if a girl does it she’s a whore, right. There’s a reason for it, guys have no guilt, oh women try, they come out of the house with the fuck-me pumps, nylon stockings makeup. They come out of the house oh yeah, someone is going to treat me like the pig that I am. Buy the minute it’s all over they get guilty about it you know, it’s like these chicks you meant in a bar, by 9 pm you’re doing shit to them that you wouldn’t do to a farm animal. Come morning, they’re like, well you know, I only needed… well you go the bonus plan, and then they’re like, call me. Yeah, I’ll call you, whore trash bumkin, get the fuck out of there. I’m starting to feel like I used to, I’m going to confirm honey, my wife is going to be home any minute now, don’t call here anymore. Don’t think I’m putting women down, I dig ’em. What? (Audience) I can’t. You know how I am. It’s like this chick is sucking my dick, and she’s like don’t come on my face I go, honey, I don’t want to fuck up your hair, we’re in a nice restaurant. 

Emo Philips – Live from the Hasty Pudding Theatre Transcribed

Finding the Microphone


Duck-Billed Platitudes

Oh the weirdest thing happened. I was walking down the street, and said to myself, my my, that’s Jimmy Peterson, I haven’t seen him since third grade. I went up to him and I slapped him on the back and said how’s it going you old Moron, you drunked retrograde and I knocked him down and he started screaming and I realized wait for a second, if that’s Jimmy Peterson, he would have grown up too. Oh boy. 

College: The Best 6 Weeks of My Life

Imagine me within a stone’s throw away I was walking here this guy gave me a pamphlet. It says, by the time you have finished reading this, another person in the world will have died, so I stopped reading right then. I’m not gonna kill someone, just to, finish a sentence, ya know? I sense, a rising anti-intellectualism in this country, don’t you? The other day I was hanging floss out on the line to dry, this guy comes to our house, says, I’d like to read to your gas meter, I said, whatever happened to the classics? Not a thing alike better than sitting in front of a roaring fireplace with a copy of War and Peace, you know a big fat book like that will feed a fire for two hours. Yeah, I had an argument with my father, I argued that Plato was the father of philosophy. My dad takes the opposite position that I should wax the kitchen floor. I said well, the kitchen floor doesn’t exist. At least not in the permeating sense, that the concept of the floor. You think the concept your skull exists, I said yes. Then he surprised me by juxtaposing the two concepts. He’s A  kidder. I remember when I wanted to go to college, I said, I once day, I said dad, can I have a 100000 for college, he said, ask your mother. I went to my mother she said ask your father. I went back to dad, he said ask your mother, I ran back to my mother and hit my head on the coffee table. My mom shouts to my dad, fifteen love my service again. There are kidders. My father said, okay, I’ll arm, wrestle you for the money. I figure okay, even though he’s an ex-boxer. So we start to wrestle and he’s winning in fact he’s toying with me. Then I remember he had a plastic joint installed in his elbow, so I kind of move the candle close to it. And uh. Yeah. I left for college that September, my dad said I’m going to miss you. I said well, now that I broke that sight off your rifle. Yeah.  My parents threw quite a going away party, accordion to the letter. I was in the ROTC program. I had a vision of being one day on the front line with my bayonet poised ready to defend our country with the first preemptive nuclear strike, I’ve got it, I’ve got it. I used to ditch all the time, once while I was walking through campus, and my instructor grabs me, he says Emo, it’s been six weeks since I’ve seen you in camouflage, I said, I’m getting good. He said give me ten laps, I said, lick yourself clean. 

Poetry and Scuba Diving

I don’t have to tell you, folks, about scuba diving. So, that’ll save some time. But you know, probably the weirdest experience in the world is the first time you breathe underwater, without your brother’s foot on your head. Once in a pool my brother put his foot on my head, and said, please pour hot, please poor in the pot five days old, and he lifted me up and said you almost drowned me, and he said it’s called poetry, and I said okay, and put my pen in the said the odyssey by homer, anyway he’s okay now, but that experience gave to me an interest in poetry. And I’d like to do a poem now, this is a little bit about how I feel like an American. It’s called. Most States. (pain) most states, do not end with the letter A, The only ones that do are, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Arizona, California, Nevada, Alaska, Montana, Nebraska, South Dakota, North Dakota, Minnesota, Iowa, Indian, Pennslyvania, North Carolina, South Carolina, West Virginia, East Virginia, and um, Missouri.

Why I am Quite Handy with the Ladies

Lot of hot mamas here in Boston. You know who you are. I was a girl watching the other day, hey ladies look your slip is showing, they’d look down and see me in the manhole. Yeah. I had a girlfriend. I remember the first day we met, I was waiting for my friend to show up at the tennis court, and I saw this girl waiting for her friend, I thought time to pour on the charm< i said how’s it going, we shall see little whore of Babylon. She walks over, and says, want to double up, so she kicks me in the groin. It was great. I thought I’d never see her again, then one day I’m walking along the beach. And I see this girl out in the water, waving, and there is no one else around so I swim out here, and I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be, you know thanks to evolution. And, I get out there, she said, I have cramps, I said well thanks for leading me on. She says, save me. I said I will if you go out with me. And she thinks for a minute. And says, okay. Hah. Quite handy with the ladies. That night we’re at the movie theater, and there’s this really ugly slimy pervert, besides me. Besides me. He says if this seat is saved if the aquatint reasoned that even animals have souls, how much less chance does an inanimate object like a chair have of gaining salvation. He says I mean is there anyone sitting here, ambiguity. The devils’ volleyball. Anyway, he puts his head on my knee and starts moving it, slowing up and down my leg. I thought the jokes on him. It’s asleep. Anyway, I’m driving my girlfriend home and I thought why don’t I try that. And I put my hand in her hand, and I started squeezing faster, faster. I had a rubber glove I was safe. And we came to a dark secluded spot, and we both got into the back seat, and the car sped out of control. Well. I noticed a chill in our relationship after that, I kept trying though I bought her a very nice ring, she said I don’t like this ring, I said you picked it out, it’s not my fault you can’t operate the little crane better. Anyway, I said, what do you want? She said I don’t know, surprise me, just get me something crazy and expensive I won’t even need. So I signed her up for radiation treatment. Well, she broke up with me a few months later, a few months later I ran into her at a mulching seminary. She invited me to go to her wedding the following Saturday, well while I’m at the wedding I remember I was missing the world series, and I love baseball. When I was the kid I was the catcher, which I loved. Until one day I saw a game on television. I said hold on there now, why does that catch no have his hands tied to his ankles. They’re kidders. Anyway, I’m at the wedding and I’m listening to the ball game on my walkman, which i found for my free, on a busy street next to this dead roller skater, and just  as the minister says, if anyone has a reason why this couple shouldn’t be joined speak now or forever hold your peace, the pitcher let in another run, and forgetting where I was I yelled: “Darn it ya loser how many of these sticking bums you gonna let score!” Well. I thought there’s only one way to redeem myself, to make a big fat pot of coleslaw for the reception so I’m at home chopping the cabbage and this mouse runs across the countertop and I accidentally decapitated him and I couldn’t find the head anywhere, that night at the reception everyone is saying this is the best coleslaw we ever had, and the bride’s mother she reaches into her mouth and pulls out the head of the Roden thinking quickly I say, we have a winner! People are picky about coleslaw, I don’t blame her, I made my grandmother some coleslaw, I guess I didn’t chop the pieces up fine enough. Cause it clogs her ivs. Anyway, the hostess, the bride’s mother, says emo makes you comfortable, so I pulled down my pants and sat in the pudding. She said you didn’t leave a very good impression. Looks symmetrical to me, anyway. We start to dance, I’m tearing up the dance floor, you know because I have a nail in my heel. And I’m dancing with the bride’s mother, and she dies. But then everyone starts to die, and I thought what is this? And someone says bad coleslaw, and I run to the coleslaw and there are dead bodies all around it, and a voice from the cole says, emo, I command you to eat me. I thought this coleslaw this coleslaw is possessed by belle bubba the cabbage demon, is aid behind me, an evil side order of Lucifer, and he says eat me, I say no, he says eat me and finally I can’t help it, I pledge my head into the coleslaw and I’m eating and eating and I bite into this tape recorder, and everyone rising up on the floor laughing, I always fall for that trick. 

The Perils of Inbreeding

I’d love to have children. My nephew had a birthday when I was babysitting, did some magic tricks for the kids, took his dog, and twisted him into a balloon. And I said okay, blow out the candles, on the coleslaw, he said I wanna make a wish, I wanna make a wish, so I grab him by the ankles and start spinning him and he goes WISH WISH. I knew what he really meant, but I thought what a good time to warn him of the dangers of homonyms. And I took him to the playground. He says, uncle emo, give me a push on the swing, he says harder, he says give me a real push  So I get about fifty feet back and I run and push him, he says give me a real push you pansy. So back up the Buick. He got out of it. 


Who driving is not as easy as it looks. I was driving down the highway, and I was sweating wall over, I was trying to change the radio. And just as I got the old one taken out, this state trooper pulses me over. Well, I shouldn’t make fun of speech impediments. He says, can I see your license. So I hand him my wallet, will you please remove it front eh wallet. Sure enough, the snake pops up in my face. He says, walks a straight line. So I do. Does he say you call that a straight line? Now you can never think of a clever reply until after the guy is gone, I mean, I wished I had said, yeah. But I was nervous and all I could think of to say was well officer Pythagoras, you could never come to making a straight line is making a decigram of your own brain waves. I said, officer. I’m taking my mom to the hospital she od’d on reducing pills. He said I don’t see any woman with you. I said I’m too late. He said, you’re under arrest, you have the right to remain silent, do you wish to retain that, I thought of a paradox. And he takes me to the police station, they said, you get one phone call so I call my house my sister answers. I say hi, I need a thousand dollars for bail. They said where are they going to get that kind of money this time of night. I said I don’t know if the naval base is still open? And she hangs up the phone. Anyway. They put in this cell, and I was scared. I have never been locked up before without my family. And there’s a real big tough guy in the cell, and he lights up a cigarette. I don’t care how big someone is when it comes to my health, I think of my body as a temple, or at least as a relatively well managed presbyterian youth center, anyway. I said please put that out. He says no. So I flicked it out of his name. He says pick that up. I said no, he said I’m gonna mop the floor with your face. I said, you do and you’ll be sorry, I said, well you won’t be able to get into the corners. And, he starts coming at me, and he starts to choke me. I prayed lord, if you rescue me I’ll go to church every Sunday the rest of my life. Just then the guard comes out that my mom has posted bail and I was free to go. I prayed, thanks anyway. Anyway, I had my trail. And I’m waiting on my attorney and it’s’ taking forever, so I start to eat lunch and the judge says, put that food away this is a court of law, and I said this in a court of law, and she calls me up, and he reads, he says, emo, I say yes, he says emo Philips, I said yes, he said your emo Philips, I said why don’t you keep adding a one each time until your brain explodes. He says, haven’t I seen you on tv, I say I don’t know you can’t see thru the over the way. Well, I plead guilty on the advice of the lawyer, which is the last time I listen to a prosecuting attorney. And the judge said, I sentenced you to a hundred hours of community work, I said like what, he said, looking at you I think you’d be very good working with the mentally disadvantaged. I said do I get credit spent here? And he gives me 200 hours. I wound up doing volunteer work for juvenile delinquents, I’d stand in the alley and warn me if the cops were coming. Plus I had to see the state psychairtrist, you like psychology? I don’t. I used to think that the human brain was the most fascinating part of the body, then I realized, look what’s telling me that. Anyway, I decide to tell this charlatan out, I said are you a Freudian or behaviorist, he said a bit of both, so I said, you like sex with electric shocks, anyway, he says, I want you to tell me the first time that pops into your brain, family, I said togetherness, he said to mother, I said love, he said America I said freedom, he said god I said mercy, he said okay, I said correal. He said, no I said yes, he said stop I said no, he said cut it out, I said Renee Richards. 

For a Fist Full of Cole Slaw

To me, a woman must have three of the five following qualities, a map for making coleslaw, her own rabbit costume, great wealth, a winning personality, and ahead. But the bunny outfit is most important. Once I was walking by this costume shop and I saw a giant bunny outfit. I said when would I wear it? He said, how about Easter? So I buy it. Well, apparently our church is more conservative than most. Coles, they drag me out and that’s not fair, I’m A  big fan of the Jedi Christian effort, I think the whole concept of monotheism was a gift from the gods. I’m very religious. Well, if by religious, you mean I go to church every Sunday, unfortunately, I’m not religious in that sense. IF by religious you mean, I love others and try to help them out whenever I can, again no. But if by religious you mean that I like coleslaw there you go. (from the audience, why do you always talk about coleslaw?) Do I? Well, I guess coleslaw to me, represents the universe. The chopped cabbage is the matter, the mayonnaise is the loving force of god that holds it together. And your the chopped mouse head on the bottom. 

Animal Square Dance

(From the audience: What’s your favorite animal?) My favorite animal, well, that sounds like a queue, if ever I heard one. (music) each time I go to the zoo I get enraged, to see all the innocent animals in cages, with our lying and war, and crying and bombing and greed, it’s we who should be locked up and the animals free. Oh, the lions and the lamb, will soon get down and then they’d be doing the animal square dance. Oh, they’d be doing the animal square dance, get down honkies, dooey do. Grab that pepper by the stock. Bow to your pattern the rhino. Everyone, drink promenade. Oh, the hips steps on a lizard. And out shots the lizards’ gizzard. And the elephant puts the mouse in a house. And the lion kills an elk, and uh, tiger kills a gazelle, and the tiger kills another gazelle, and the gazelle wise up and kills the tiger. And uh, and bighorn sheep gives the girl an exploded banana, and the mouse puts quicksand in the cat’s litter box. And the pelican puts a chameleon on white paper for six hours and drops him into a housing project, and the shrews tie a duck-billed platypus to a tree and stuff a  train down his throat.  

How Girls Can Score With Me

Well, I just want to say, thank you for listening to me. If there are any girls who are lonely, I’ll be going home tonight, to my lonely little hotel room as I watch the tube carry nourishment to my body. And I’d like to apologize in conclusion to all the guys here who are particular you know who you are, you’ll be going home tonight with little pieces of fluff, and you’ll be in an intimate moment and they’ll be screaming Emo! Emo! So please forgive me.