Todd Barry – From Heaven

Todd Barry – From Heaven

Working With Me

Todd Barry about to happen. Comedy studio. Ladies and gentle, please welcome to the comedy studio, Todd Barry. Heheh, thank you. Let’s hear it for all the comedians that went on before me, shall we? Must be exciting for those young comics to work with me, it is, not be an asshole or anything, semi-famous, somewhat borderline respected. They get to talk in that yellow Cambridge café, hey man, you get to work with Todd Barry, that’s so cool. And it’s exciting for me as well, no it is. I got back to New York and talked to my comedian friends. They’re like, who you work with in Cambridge, some local dicks I don’t know. Just throw some people up there, I don’t have time to deal with that. You know what I mean Chris Rock. Then I high five Chris Rock. Non Stop high fiving between me and Chris Rock. That’s the bulk of my day, in New York, high fiving Chris Rock. He never gets tired of it. He’s like, Todd I’m more successful than you, but I still have a lot of time to high five you. I know you do. You can tell I’ve never really high fived. It doesn’t make that noise. Hey let’s dive into my act shall we? 

Leaking, Looking for an apartment, Fried Looking for an apartment

I live in New York city, I had a leak in my apartment, there was some brown liquid pouring out of my ceiling. I called a plumber, I was like hey what is that. He was like don’t worry it’s not shit water. Oh. thank you. For putting that into layman’s terms. Cause it’s been a while since I’ve been to vocational school. I didn’t quite know how to put it, but you nailed the essence of what I was worried about, that it might be shit water, but it’s not, it’s just a mysterious brown liquid, pouring from a light bulb. Form my upstairs negither’s bathroom, if it happens again I still might get eletrocquie, but I will not get old Jeremy. Cause as we have established, but it is not a shit invested water. I was looking for a new apartment. I went to a realtor. He was telling me about this place. He was gonna show me this place. I’m goin to show you it is great. It’s right across from Sarah Jessica Parker’s townhouse. Oh. that is very convince. Or all my Sarah Jessica Parker needs. Finally she and I can work out our differences, without having it spring for taxi fare. Woman I know was looking of a place to live, a roommate situation, she found a listing online it said “female roommate wanted must not be homophobic” she goes there meets a guy, it’s a one room apartment, two beds right next to each other, she talks to him finds out he’s a male prostitute. I just love that that was his screening question. Are you homophobic no that’s good. Cause I do have sex for money all day long, two inches from where you sleep. Hey do you have a problem with small pet,s no that’s good, cause I use they kitchen as a cock fighting ring. 

Guy who needs help, Been to NYC?, Driving with friend

I was in a taxi in New York, there was a guy giving directors to the car, he was like “hey man get over here quickly, i could use a little help in the nose department” I was like please don’t tell me that was your secret code for bring cocaine, i could use a little help in the nose department. The eagle has not landed yet, and when he does I hope he has something in his little claws from the nose department. I could also use a little help from the there ain’t’ quite enough heroine in my veins department. While I got you on the line, I could use a little assistant. My computer hard drive could hold another gigabyte of pictures of the young boy department. I could do that joke with any crime. Mail fraud you got it! I could use a little help in that I want to make my own stamps at home, using just crayons and construction paper, department. That’s it. I can do a mail fraud joke people. Like no one’s business. I was out of town and I asked this woman I met if she’d ever been to New York City. She said oh yeah I drove through there once. Oh. Where are you headed where the directions include, drive through New York city. Alright you’re going to come to a fork in the road, you don’t want to go right because that’s a major highway, go straight three miles an hour, through the most congested city in the country, and promise you won’t pull over because there is nothing going on there. Who approaches New York City for the first time and is not curious enough to pull over, whose like oh my god what do we have here, kind of a different vibe here. Should we pull over and walk around, no, New Hampshire awaits. I was in a car with a friend of mine. I had never been in a car with him before. I looked over. He’s not wearing his seat belt. I was like hey man why don’t you put that on, he was like you know Todd I’m not really a seatbelt guy. Oh I’m sorry I didn’t mean to shove my quirky taste down your throat. I don’t really enjoy sushi, you don’t enjoy reducing the chance of  crushing your head through a windshield. Different strokes. That was a little preachy and heavy handed, I apologize. 

Preachy Singer, English washer, Alabama, pittsburgh

I was at a bar in Los Angeles, listening to a singer, and after one of her songs she goes “you know I keep getting parking tickets, After I get a [parking ticket i go, god i just hope they give this money to the homeless. Yeah I guess they could or you could learn how to read no parking sign, pretend you got the cricket anyway and write a check directly to the homeless. There is no connection between the homeless problem and your shitty parking. I’ve been touring all over, I went to England, I did, they have these great things in England, these washer dryer combos, one unit it’s great. Throw the clothes in, push a few buttons four and half hours later you got a nice laid of soaking wet clothes, that probably aren’t even clean. I was all excited to work in London, after every show someone came up to my show “we sure did enjoy you, we’re visiting from south Carolina” nice. I tour the south though I do, i love touring the south. Some people up north are afraid of the south. I’ll tell someone I did a show in Albania, they’ll be like oh my god, what was that, like, you know, a chair microphone. I’m sorry I know what you’re looking for. I’ll tell you what it was like. Well I flew into Birmingham, the imperial wizard from the clan picked me up from the airport, rode to the club on the back of an old mule. Tried to get a joke out over the shouts of Jew boy go home, at the end of the night, is said where’s my check they said you’re not getting a check, you’re getting this bag of pork reins. Was that the answer you were looking for, you narrow minded fake liberal fuck. I did a show in Pittsburg woman came up to me after the show all smiling, she was like oh my god you were so much funnier live than you are on comedy central. I just wanted to say I bet your comments are better television. Maybe you can get your own show on the new backhanded compliment network. 

Birthdays, Challenge, cambridge, Noodle Gift

Sometimes someone will come up to me before a show, and be like, “hey it’s my friends birthday, can you rag on them?” I always thought that was a ballsy request. Hey i know you had a show planned but ah, something came up. Something came up? Something important i hope, like a total strangers birthday, how’d ya guess, oh i don’t know the annoying way you approached me. And the fact that it happens 200 times a year, but I will go backstage and I’ll start writing. It’s a half hour material enough on your friends birthday, because that’s what I got on a flight to Arizona. Cause I was totally jazze3d at he possible that someone i don’t give a fuck about, that they might be celebrating that everyone else celebrates. What I’m saying is that it’s his night not mine. I did a show at a comedy club. This couple walked out after five minute. Not only did they walk out, they called the club manager while I was on stage. Oh that guy was an awful man, I wanted to challenge him comedically. But my wife held me back. Kind of made me wish they stayed, just to witness that once. Guy stands up, I challenge you comedically. The wife grabs him, NO HONEY. Not again. Remember when we went to that play? And you wanted to challenge that actor theatrically. You got your ass handed to you. You install drywall for a living honey. Stay out of show business. Remember when we went to that palace with all the different cultures, you wanted to challenge them anthropoligical. Remember when we hunt out with those philosophies and you wanted to challenge them ontologically. I don’t know what those words mean, I just looked up philosophy terms in google, and it popped right up. Yeah I did know what I means cause I’m a bright guy. That’s why Cambridge is the only city I’m comfortable performing in. I’m going to move here, and only perform at this club, and not just because it’s also a Chinese restaurant. Which is now revealed to the people at home, holy shit toddy, a Chinese restaurant, yes, it’s good for press. Todd I gotta ask here, Todd why a Chinese restaurant why not I could see it out. I can sell outa Chinese restaurant let’s record in Chinese restaurant. It’s all about selling out. I can sell out virtually any Chinese restaurant. Boy Todd, what about one in China, alright you got me on that one. The chances of me selling out a Chinese restaurant in China are astronomical. Don’t bet on me, selling out Saigon. How is the food here? I noticed they took your away and returned it. While I should have been preparing my act I noticed they uh, what was wrong with your noodles. Hmm. a gift. Oh my god. A gift of half a plate of noodles. Well happy birthday to you. It was really a gift. No time to explore that story. Must be a good friend. Not so good that they’d want to sit anywhere near you. Alright let’s kick back into it. I know she’s still laughing about it. We’ll plug her laugh into the jokes that didn’t work. I think we can do that. We’ll plug her one laugh in. 

Prairie Dog, Sweet Shop

Been to dc, Washington DC? Yeah, national capital. I went there and went to the zoo. By myself, I am attuned to seeing pandas. I followed the signs to the panda, and right before the pandas there is an exhibit of prairie dogs. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a prairie dog but they are a-dor-ably. They are staggeringly cute, they are unbelievably cute, just jaw dropping. I saw the prairie dogs, and then I saw the panda, and I was like oh that’s cool, but I kind of want to see more prairie dogs. And then realized what I must be like to be in a show where I am the opening act. It’s like I came here to see the pandas, gotta leave talking about the prairie dogs. You guys sort of got that one. That joke works about every 45 times I tell it. I love staying at hotels, I always look up the hotel before I go there, to read these traveler reviews that people write. I’m staying at a hotel in Seattle. This woman wrote this review and said that she didn’t like the hotel because the soap there smelled too sweet. I can understand going to a hotel smelling the soap going oh wow that smells a bit sweet. I don’t understand taking the next step, running over your laptop, logging on cause you want to warn other travelers, about the scary hotel with the candy scented soap. But I did email this woman because I had a hot top on a hotel in Ohio where the hand soap smelled to gingery. 

Myspace, unbelievable Question, Guy who reads email, UF

You guys on the myspace huh, I’m on the myspace why not, I’m only 43. Sometimes i get a myspace friend request it says set to private, it’s like alright, 16 year old tommy from Louisville, playing a little close to the vest. I have to approve your friend request tin order to find out that you think strawberry pop tarts totally rule. It’s’ kind of secret you can’t just share with anyone, only someone willing to invest the time to click the mouse once, before never thinking about you again. I learned a lot reading those myspace profiles, like for example i didn’t know that movie Donnie Darko was the greatest movie ever made. I mean I remember seeing it and liking it, but I don’t remember it being the absolute greatest. I have a website it’s’ got my email address on it, so I get questions from all over the country. I get unbelievable questions like dear Todd, I’m going to see your show on Friday, do you know how old you have to be to get into that club? I don’t know, do you wanna maybe call the club with that one, instead of writing directly to the artist, do you think Mick Jagger gets emails like that? Dear Mike, I’m going to see you at Madison Square Garden next week. I’m going to have leave straight from work. Not going to have time to get anything to eat, do you know how much why charge for a hot dog, also I haven; get there in a while, can you map quest me directions mcgauer from the rolling stones. Mc at rolling stones dot com, oh man just gave out McGarry real email address. He’s’ going to be in the hotel room later, Keith got over here, I just got a sudden influx of emails, from Cambridge, oh Massachusetts. How does that happen Keith, Keith I have another question why are we sharing a hotel room, we’re both billionaires, it’s curious. It’s curious Keith that we’re sharing a hotel room, when we’re billionaires, we’re not sweating it anymore Keith. Some people really appreciate my accent work, no I do accent work, like if you see a Hugh Grant movie, and he has a sore throat that day. You guys believe em like holy shit that’s a good gig. It Sounds easy enough just to drop in the key. Good on you. Some people write me an email, dear Todd or whoever reads Todd’s emails. Oh yeah, I got a guy doing that. I pay a college kids to read Todd’s emails for him, that’d be a good gig for a college kid. With all due respect Mr. Barry you get seven emails a day. You’re correct and I’ve only gotten six today, back to work. I went to college at the University of Florida. I said that recently someone went to a bar, I said why are you booing, Florida State man?” Oh you went to a different school. Mysteries solved. I love that mentally, but you went to a different school than I did, I want everyone going to the same school. One school. A hundred and forty million students or I go boo. I am the least tolerate human being on earth. What did you have for dinner? Chinese food, I had Japanese food, boo. Do you like Tristan? I prefer wheat thins boo. You like regular starburst. I like the tropical climate. Boo motherfucker. I only have 700 more examples of this. You like curly fries, I don’t like not waffle steak fries, boo. You’re right my heart wasn’t into that last one. I wasn’t passionate about that one, like I was about the recent wheat thin ones, where I almost started crying. 

Chipotle, Trader’s Joes

Y’all have the chipotle Mexican grill? Np, you have that place next door, what that place called, this will all be cut out,  it’s Qdoba. I’m going to do a joke about something very similar. It’s a chain, I’m sure some of you, yeah, why the fuck did you put me through all that? I overreached I apologize. So I like the chipotle Mexican grill, that place is delicious, every time I bring up the chipotle Mexican grill in conversation someone is like oh chipotle is delicious, can you believe they were started by McDonalds, uhh McDonalds is delicious. So yes, I can believe that. It’s not like Ben and Jerry’s opened up a lingerie shop. It’s the world’s greatest restaurant chain, taking a stab at another kind of food and hitting it out of the park. People said Todd you can’ pull off a chipotle joke in a town where they don’t have chipotle, I said watch me. You have trader’s joes here, huh, trader joe’s grocery store just opened up in New York City. There were lines around the block I finally made my way in there, and I ran into a friend of mine, he said oh this palace is great, they have the best pizza. You know who else has good pizza, New York city. Maybe someday they will open up a New York City, New York city. I heard there was a Trader Jose in Idaho now, wondering if they do tater tots. 

Old Navy, Short Shop

I went to old navy to buy a wallet. Cause I make an astounding amount of money. And I go through wallets like crazy. I went there and said, do you sell wallets? The guy said I don’t know if we do, but if we did they’d be on the second floor, a table from the left. Oh but you don’t even know if you sell them, but with pinpoint accuracy you’re going to lead me right to them, if it turns out that you do sell them. But that you don’t know. I go to the second floor I find another sales man. Guy goes, no wallets, no ties. As if I’ve heard the wallet question and we all knows what’s coming around the bend. I can understand no wallets in the old navy but no ties, but what I’m supposed to wear with my mock rib turtleneck and my purple camouflage cargo pants. I got a funeral to go to. Oh man. I was in California and I walked by a short men’s clothing shop. I had never seen this before, I thought I’m kind of short, I walked in there looked at some of the sizes, guess what people, Todd Barry too damn tall. Too tall for the little guy shop. I walks in there the salesmen was freaking out, how’d ya even get in here man. Help police there’s a giant. It’s got to be 5-5th bring a crane. Put in a special jail cell, with extra high ceilings. Cause he’s a motherfucking’ giant. 

Todd’s Address, Stay with Todd, Limo, Container Store

You guys can all come stay with me in New York. Let’s give out my home address right now. 1309 granny smith apple way. Penthouse, New York New York. 5531. I actually have a nice place 23 bedrooms, every bedroom has a baby grand piano in it. Sitting next to the baby grand piano I swear to god a regular sized grand piano. Architectural digest did a story about my apartment, they called it a pretentious douchebag house, they lost 50,000 subscribers. Cause in the history of that magazine nobody has ever read the word douchebag. In that magazine. I’m not rich. If I do become rich, the only thing that will change, I’ll get alimony. Same awful apartment, just with a limousine. My neighbors will look out their windows, why doesn’t he move. Look honey he has used that thing to go return bottles. Oh, he got a crazy good spot in front he check cashing store, it’s’ 29 cent money order Mondays. Guys have the container store here, this one is going to fucking rocket. This one is going to rock. Counter store is amazing. The Most amazing thing about the country store, it’s really a container store. I saw that sign and I thought there was no way. I walked in there, four hours later, i said you know what i think it might be. They see a reef counter there, a reef counter! If I had enough disposable income to justify buying a reef counter, I’d probably be the kind of hot shot who just bought a new reef every year. We’re through the reef out baby. What? Toss it! Throw out these 7 dollar reef. But I just bought a 2000 hard reef road case. Same kind used by Santa Claus on his last Japanese tour. Sant-ie clause. 

Anal, Set an Alarm

I was dating a women we had our first little sex talk, she actually said to me, she goes Todd I’ve had anal sex before but don’t ask me who it was with. I think if i made a list of every question, I’d ask before that one, it would be a list of every question. Including who shot jr, where the beef, and why would you think I’d want to know that. Okay maybe not where’s the beef, because she might answer that one. Just for the future, never groan at another joke. I love that that one made you, oh no, too far. Too far. We’re gonna groan, and laugh at the same time, that way we’re covered. Someone comes up, hey did you like that anal sex joke, you heard me laughing didn’t ya. I thought it was offensive, ya heard me groaning didn’t ya. You ever have sex with someone you don’t know that well, they stay the night they ask if you’ll set an alarm. It’s like hey can you set an alarm I have to go to work. I could but that alarm would wake up also. Think we found a  glitch in the system. They don’t sell an alarm that will only wake you up. No not even at sharper image. Can you just call in sick, I really had my heart set on a nice skyward breakfast. 

Amex, Pastry Chef

Same AmEx card I have sir. Something to tell your friends. People are like why don’t you have a platinum card. Todd Barry has the blue card. How would you know what kind of card Todd Barry has? In this premise they know who I am. I ran into a friend of my on the street i hadn’t seen in a while, he’s  pastry chef, I said hey what’s going on, he said oh I have to France to go to chocolate school. Alright. Whatever happened to not much what about you. You’re not only going to France, your goin there to study chocolate. Normally I would have been jealous but luckily I had been on my way to the airport to go to wahiki to go to cunniligious camp. Bunniligigy camp in tahiti. The only thing better than chocolate school in France. The day starts at six am and ends at six pm with only one break for arts and crafts. 

Nurse’s T shirt, Kids T Shirt

Saw a woman on the street wearing a shirt that said, Nurses kick butt. I don’t want a nurse that kicks butt. I don’t like the idea of fired up health care workers. I don’t want to be lying in the operating room when the door gets kicked open. There is a guy standing there in sequence scrubs. Hello I’m Stanley standups, I’m going to be your neurologist. And tonight I’m going to tear this down. Scalpe bitch. Bitch I need that scapolite. Bitch I need that scalpel. Bitch I need it. I saw a guy in the street, with this little boy, like a three year old boy, the boy was wearing a dead Kennedys t-shirt. I just wanted to walk up to the father and be like hey you know what, your kid ain’t that cool. I could just see the father dressing the kid, like Honey why are you putting that little blue sweater one him, if he wears that no one will know how great my cd collection is. 

Selling Cds, Springsteen at Bar, Moore at Party, Gawker

Sometimes I sell CDs after a show. It’s fun when nobody cuts them, but sometimes someone will come up to the table and look at the CD, flip it over, and walk away. It’s like, what wasn’t there. That you thought should be there oh it’s one of your CDs I didn’t realize that. I was looking for the first Tracy Chapman album. I met a woman who works at a bar. I asked if any celebrities came into the bar. She was like oh yeah Bruce Springsteen came in once. He was by himself waiting for some people who didn’t show up, so he left after an hour. I thought that it was wonderful that people as huge as Bruce Springsteen still get fucked over by their shitty friends. You know he sent them a text message, where were you assholes? I got cornered by ten new jersey community college students, asking me for little Steven high school stires. You dicks are always doing this to me. Fuck you guys. This is what Springsteen sounds like when talks, the singing voice is totally affected. Totally affected. I was talking to a friend of mine, said she met Michael more at a party, and he was totally nice. I was like yeah he might be nice but you met him at a party, what do you think would happen if you met bush at a party.  Hey nice to meet you Mr. president. Fuck you war. Fuck you. What did you expect from me, low level party courtesy? There is a website in new York called gawker, and they list everyone that people report. It’ll be ok 23rd street and 3 ave, Ethan Hawke buying a banana. 23rd 8th ave, Ethan Hawke with a half eaten banana. 23rd and 9th ave, a bananaless Ethan Hawke. Running wild through the streets, on some kind of potassium high. I’m guessing he just ate a banana. Which explains why he was bananless. I once played a joke on the site gawker. I told an audience to say they met me somewhere. I said, I don’t care where you said you saw me, just use the phrase easy on the eyes. ” I said the next day i got an email from gawker, “hey are you rallying your troops or something” What you got 15 emails saying i was easy on the eyes, there’s a chance I might be behind that. There is a slim chance that I had something to do with that. 

Potter, Chinese Restaurant Conversations

You guys read that harry potter book, huh, yeah yeah, i saw a guy who was reading that on the subway, he was on like page 850. It was three days after the book came out. I was looking for this guy for three days and have read more than I have in my entire life. And I have an English degree. Then I realized it is kind of a children’s book. It was an 850 page Curious George book. I could probably burn through that in a couple months. Pretty good Chinese restaurant combo comedy combo people. I was in a Chinese restaurant in new York, I eat out a lone a lot, there is and acnge to eating out alone, unlimited eavesdropping. Don’t have to worry about pissing anyone off. Eavesdrop until your heart’s content. This is an actual conversation I heard in a Chinese restaurant. Threw was like an 85 year old Chinese guy, and a 45 year old white woman, and she was teaching him how to say the words eggnog. This is the way the conversation went. Eggnog. Eggnog. No. eggnog. Egg-a-nog. This went back and forth about four more times. I wanted to stand up and say  you know what I think he got. I think any eggnog situation he finds himself in, for any company Christmas party he gets invited to. I think he’ll work his way through the eggnog situation, and go make him say egg-a, you condescending cunt-ta-ta. 

Fridge, Audience member’s tab, Best celebrity sighting

We’re almost done people, time flies, when you’re seeing the best show you’ve ever seen in your life. You know that old expression, time flies when you’re seeing without question the best show you’ve ever seen in your life. It’s kind of a clunky slogan. Some words drive me crazy, when people abbreviate words, when someone says fridge instead of refrigerator, i don’t know why but i want to climb up to a water tower, and pick people off with a shotgun. This is a true story. I was out on a date with Julia Roberts, we’re back at her place. Dishes’ like Todd. I’m going to go into the next room and put some perfume on my belly . Why don’t you grab a beer from the fringe? I was like what was that. She’s like, I’m going to put perfume on, you don’t like perfume, no I like perfume, why don’t you grab a beer from the fridge. Maybe i’ll do that while I’m on my way out, which is going to be now. And I stormed out of Julie Roberts’ apartment. Ran into her door man in the lobby he’s like what’s wrong man, you could have had some of that shit. I said sir, you are a very unprofessional doorman. What do you mean could have been awesome? You’re disgusting. And then I went back up. Come to think of it, he’s right. That’s the worst thing she did was say the word fringe, well nobody’s perfect. You want my fucking autograph or something, what’s it for? It’s just weird, you got one little piece, it’s your tab, that’s what they write on it, it’s like a shitty little, sir I’ll autograph it anyway. It’s my tab. Don’t ever talk to me that way. When is ay, is that for me to autograph you go, what else would it be fore. The best, this is my final joke, in case you want to act like it’s better than it is. That’s your call people., do whatever you want. See a lot of celebrities in New York, the best celebrity sighting, I swear to go this is true. I Was walking through the park, you remember the band the spin doctors, i saw the bass player from the spin doctor sitting on a park bench alone reading bass player magazine. Never have I felt more, in the right place at the right time, I could be anywhere, and I end up witnessing the bass player from the spin doctor, kicking back with the latest issue of bass player magazine. It’s like if you were walking through the park and you saw me reading an amazing comedian magazine. Or super pretty hazel eyes magazine. Thanks a lot everyone, see ya later 

Jo Firestone – The hits

Jo Firestone – The hits

Hot and Fresh

(clapping noises)thank you, how’s everyone doing, good? Uhh , so this will butler, will is going to be playing. Will is going to be playing some songs, it’s’ going to be like This American Life, you know how they play songs wherever like, yeah. Yeah yeah. That’s really good. This American Life. So we’re going to be doing that, there are going to be a lot of musical interludes, keep it fresh and hot. I did want to warn you guys that my comedy does have a target audience, it’s women that don’t want to have fun, so if you’re one of those people you’re in the right place. If not I’m sorry. 

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Katt Williams – Live

Katt Williams – Live

Interview with Chris Coleman

(interview)

Weather in Cincinnati

Before we get cracken. I do I have some complains about Cincinnati lets get this about the way before a nigga gets started. I’ve been here three days it’s been all kind of fuckin you niggas have all the weather, this is bullshit. 72 hours it’s been hot mild, rainy coldly sleety cold, this is bullshit. A pimp doesn’t know what to wear in this weather. I’m in the hotel lobby with a fur coat on some swim trunks and some timberlands, cause I don’t know what will happen to this raggedy bitch this evening. Shit. yesterday it was a 181 degrees, today it was 36 what the fuck you can’t pimp nobody when it’s 136 degrees, just as soon as you walk out, bitch where is my money, pimp down! I am a boy damn! Got to love Cincinnati. 

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Michelle Wolf – Nice Lady

Michelle Wolf – Nice Lady

Can we focus

Ladies and gentlemen, Michelle wolf! Thank you, thank you. Wow. Boy. what a time to be alive, huh. I probably don’t need to say this but  should just let everyone know I am feminist, yeah one person that’s all, that’s about average. Oh, feminism is very unpopular, I should also point out I’m not I’m not like a buy my own drinks feminist. We all have our line and mine is at the bar. In want equal pay and a chadra. Well then just the chardonnay. I do think as feminist we’re fighting for too many things right now. There are some feminist that are like we want to get paid the same and then there are some feminist that are like we want to free the nipple on instagram. It’s like hey can we focus, I know she’s more fun can we focus. It’s like during the revolutionary war some of them were like we want to be independent and others were like we want to free the nipple on instagram. Maybe England should stay in charge of you, you should like you’d be easily irrentestoin. Just like logically we focus our attention and power on one thing, so personally I think we should go after equal rights but if someone made a vote and we went nipple then fine, I’m a team player I’ll go nipple. It’s just hard for me that it’s was a woman’s idea, sound sliek a man infiltrated a meeting and was like we gotta get these nipples on instagram, did you hear we can’t, it’s not fair, we’re women, you know men my main concern is the woman. That’s why I call them the woman. And the whole debate is that men are aloud to have their nipples on instagram and women aren’t.. Here’s an easier solution, just get male nipples off of instagram. I’ve never seen a male’s nipples and been like, oh now my day is better. Boy do i love looking at those useless skin tags. We gotta focus, we got to focus on what we’re fighting for, we can’t stop and look at shiny objects. We can’t campaign about whose on money. Like I mostly use a credit card and there is a picture of a cat on it, and I picked it because I’m the person you think I am. There were a ton of options and I was like a cat and then I saw there was another cat option and I was like I gotta open another account. I’m not a monster, no I don’t want to donate to your children’s charity. Like why do I want a woman on a dollar anyway, it’s not like amen is going to look down on it and be like oh right I’m going to start respecting these. I’m sorry stripper I can’t give this to you, I mean mrs. stripper. 

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Emmy Blotnick – Party Nights

Emmy Blotnick – Party Nights

Self Potato

Ladies and gentlemen, Emmy Blotnick. We’re doing it. We’re doing it. Yes. Do you guys want to hear about my favorite wheel of fortune clips of the puzzle is mostly solved, most of the letters are there you can tell the answer is self portrait, and this lady buzzes in and goes “Oh self potato’ right away. The guy next to her is like lady itself protect and she’s like oh no, and it’s so good, because self potato means nothing, means nothing at all, but I love it so much I want it to mean something., You all know what a couch potato is a self potato is when you don’t need it the couch for that to be who you are. Just taking the couch potato mentality to go, cause you don’t need a couch if you got you. I don’t know if that lady knew when she got that puzzle wrong that she was going to give a snake for my lifestyle. I am a self potato through and through. It’s basically high function depression yeah I think we’re on the same page. Earlier tonight I spent about two hours in a wet towel. That is a classic self potatoes movie, you guys ever do, ever stay in a wet towel until it’s bad, it starts good, oh this is great and then you’re not happy anymore. Like to take that train to the last stop. I used to be more of a party person. I used to go out and get drunk, stay out late and have party nights, you know it’s not true no one calls them party nights. Blowing my cover. 

Continue reading “Emmy Blotnick – Party Nights”

Todd Barry – Medium Energy

Todd Barry – Medium Energy

Intro 

Ladies and gentlemen, New York City. Please welcome Todd Barry. 

Oh wow, thank you. Thank you for that big live album style applause. We’re already off to a great great start. Holy shit this place Is packed out. Let me tell you what I’m going to be doing tonight, I’m going to be doing a mixture of really old shit that I’m tired of. Spiced up with some things that are too new to be performed but I’ll do them anyway. I guess what I’m saying Is that what I’m about to do Is a really shitty show for you guys. And thanks for coming out. Time to do some masturbation jokes. 

ATM

I saw a guy masturbating at an automatic teller machine. Yeah. I was totally silent and grossed out at first. And then I realized, hey there have been times when I’ve checked my balance and I find wow, I got a little more money than I thought, and you want to celebrate, but you just got to count to ten. Take a few deep breaths and move the celebration to another location. You gotta resist the temptation of those slutty bank machines. 

Autoerotic

Some guys go crazy with the masturbation. I was reading this thing on Autoertic affixation. Some guys actually choke themselves with a belt while doing It. I read 800 men a year die from doing this. I was like, 800 a year, no way. Then I remembered how many times I nearly killed myself from just conventional masturbation. Just regular old meat and potatoes, mom and pop, missionary position masturbation. Has almost sent me to that little old lonely Ramada Inn room In the sky. Now I travel, and I’ve masturbated in every hotel chain, and I’m here to tell you, Ramada Inns are the best hotels to masturbate in, and no I’m not being paid to say that. 

Moves In Neighborhood

They’re always making movies In my neighborhood. And the filmmakers have very cute throats. They put a sign In my neighborhood, “We’re making a movie In your neighborhood, could you cooperate and cancel all your deliveries’ ‘ Okay. Hello drug store. Could you hold off on delivering my perspective. Yeah I don’t want my heart medication Interfering with the big Keith O’sutherland coming back. Nah It’s going to happen. It’s– don’t fucking delvier that shit. 

Florida

I grew up In Florida. Friend of mine took his first trip down to Florida, went to Disney World. He came back complaining that It was tourists. I was like, oh man don’t tell me that. The tourist found out about Disney World? Dman. That used to be my secret. Me and the guy after school used to rush over to the magic world, pay the 95 dollar admission fee. I try to avoid the tourists here, that’s why I go to a place called Planet Hollywood. Check It out If you want to hang with the townies and the locals. 

Air conditioning

I hated Florida, the only good thing about Florida, great air conditioning everywhere. I meet people every summer In New York who tell me they don’t like air condition they’re like “I don’t like air conditioning, It’s not natural,” and I guess I see their point. I mean what Is air conditioning, just a definite solution to a problem.  It’s hot In here. Click, now It’s cool In here. Oooh you’re right this does suck. You know It reminds me of that time I was hungry and I ate that food. That shitty statifiesed feeling. Who needs that, It taints naturally. It tatint. Hear my sophisticated voice. 

Big Bookstores

I even go to bookstore people. I like the Barnes and noble, the borders. They have the lowest pressure sales staff In the world. You can go In there, pull ten books off the shelf, “Hey where do I pay for these?” “Pay for them, you can read them here? What do you think the eight hundred couches are for? What are you studying for a test, here’s a highlighter.  Mark It up all you want. I don’t give a shit. Hey I noticed you have a  cookbook, anything you want to make” “Well there’s a chili recipe “”Rip It out. You’re Not goin to buy that huge overpriced cookbook for one recipe. That’s ridiculous. If I see you walking toward that cashier with that book, I will tackle you. I will rip that recipe out myself, I will drive you home and cook that recipe for you myself. So start a-ripping. My favorite shelf at the big bookstore, the staff recommendation shelf. Oh golly I need help picking a book out. How about seven habits of highly effective people, as recommended by Jimmie the stock clerk. What does It say on this little card, “I read this book and It turned my whole life around” Wow Jimmie what were you doing before you read that book? You only have the shittiest job In this place. 

KMart In New York

We have a Kmart now In New York City. New Yorkers were pissed off when K mart came to town. They were outside the store protesting. They didn’t even know what to say. They were like “ down with K-Mart and their merchandise that people can afford, down with K Mart and their 300 gallon drum of Laundry Detergent. Wow. I mean why don’t you go take your good values to another town. Let’s turn that building Into a vintage clothing store, the kind that sells used K-Mart shirts for 700 dollars”

Body Shop

I discovered the best store, this past holiday season. The Body shop? They should call this place “the last minute thoughtless gift warehouse” You could be asleep and shop there. Aaaah. Oh, grapefruit bath gel. My sister eats grapefruit, she bathes, boom! Hey nice bottle, no need to buy wrapping paper, totally shopping time, nine seconds. 

Answering Machine

Food or Music?

Food or Music? What do you think, lady? Music. We’re going to do some music jokes, by request. Before we get to those, we’re going to do the jokes I planned to do before the music jokes. 

Buy Parents House

I just bought my parents a house. Yeah. Yeah. That’s what all entertainers do when they get rich. They buy their parents a house. But I am not rich, so I bought my parents a house that Is worse than the one they already live In. They called me up all confused. Todd? Yes. Why do we have to move? Cause I bought you a house. Todd with all due respect, you bought us a shitty house. It’s not shitty. I’ll tell you what Is shitty, making those ten dollar a month mortgage payments. Now go Inside and say hello to your new crackhead roommates. I bought my parents a crack house. I just over explained that one. 

Sperm Bank Babies

But I was watching this A&E Investigative report, they had an episode about Sperm Bank Babies who were trying to find their biological fathers. ANd now the sperm banks are actually hooking these people up with an audiocastle message from their father. I wonder what the typical message is: “Hi Tommy, this Is your dad, stop looking for me. I never wanted afamily, I wanted 50 bucks. I’d love to keep on the chit chat, but I have about another thousand cassettes to make”

Real World

I like that Real world show. I just can’t believe they still find people who are willing to go on that show. I was talking to a guy once, he said that he went on that show because he could put It on his resume. Could you Imagine putting that on your resume, that’d backfire In your face. Ten years down the line, you’re at a job Interview, “Hey you were on the real, I used to watch that show, hey wait a second. You look a little familiar, you’re the guy who ate all of Becky’s pretzel. What the fuck Is your problem? You’re not really a team player are you? I am sorry, but we need team players here at walmart. My assistant, Puck will show you to the door” 

MTV Diary

MTV has that new show Diary. The day In the life of a musician. They had Snoop Dogg on, he gets on at the beginning he’s like “Hey this Is Snoop Dogg this Is the day In my life, you think you know but you have no Idea’ It’s like alright, Snoop’s gonna have some surprises. Net shot Is him on his tour bus, playing video games and smoking pot. Whoa, Snoop you’re  a man of your word. I expected to find you sitting there with a tattered copy of Romeo and Juliet, NPR In the background, look at you smoking pot. I thought I knew you but I In fact had no Idea. Snoop. 

Behind the Music

I like that Behind the Music show. Very Informative show. I was watching It the other day, I was like Oh my god, I didn’t know Billie Idol liked living life to the fullest. I watched the Bon Jovi episode behind the music, they kept using this phrase, “and then he went back to his roots, the next year he went back to his roots” I watched the whole show, I didn’t see one portion where he strayed from his roots. It’s’ not like “in 1987, Bon Jovi entered a new Jersey recording studio with just four sets of bagpipes and a wood block”

Grammy Award

I don’t like those grammy awards though. Always the famous shitty bands. You never see some poor struggling unknown garage band win. That would be nice. “And the album of the year goes to…. The Angry Ponchos? They couldn’t be here because their van broke down. They’re manager was going to accept the award for them, but he couldn’t get the night off from the video store”

Band with Orchestra

The only reason to watch the Grammy awards, sometimes a band will do something fancy. I was watching one year, Guns and Roses was playing with a full orchestra. And Guns and Roses wasn’t using full sheet music but the orchestra was. Slash can remember the tune. But the first chair violin player for the London Phil Harmonic, he’s having a little trouble. Whoa, A, whew tough, over to G, back to A curve ball. My 60 years of training did not prepare me for that. 

Boxed Sets

The big thing In music now, In record stores are these boxed sets. All the albums by one artist In a box. Someone there going “Oh, I’ve never owned anything by the Oak Ridge boys. I think It’s time I owned everything by the Oak Ridge boys. Let me see that, whoa! That Is heavy. 27 compact discs, hey It’s only five thousand dollars. Includes a hip-hop remix of El Vira! Giddy! Giddy on up. Giddy the mother fuck uppa

Behind Stage

Bands are getting greedy these days. I went to buy a ticket for some bands at Madison Square Garden. Guy said we only have a few tickets left, they’re 75 dollars and the seats are behind the stage. I said behind the stage, I said you know what I’m going to stay home. The guy said, stay home 40 bucks. 40 dollars to not see the big Micheal Bolton Huey and the blowfish, Celion Dion triple bill. With a special guest third eye blind, hey wait Todd that’s not a triple bill anymore, I just counted to four, shit ya got me. Ya busted me. 

Fugazi

Oh I saw this documentary on this band Fugazi. They’re what’s called a punk rock band. They have a lot of Integrity, they won’t charge more than 5 dollars  for their concerts. You know there has to be at least one guy In the band who Isn’t happy about this. The drummer Is gonna snap at some point, “Hey fellas can we stop a second, I had the craziest Idea, what If we charge 6 dollas. I was thinking that extra dollar times 800 people a night times five shows a week, equal I don’t have a roommate when I’m 47” that’s what I was thinking.

Bands Reuniting

There hasn’t been a fucking bogus reunion lately has there? The eagles are the one I remember . Every Time the band reunites they Interview me. “Oh yeah we had some problems you know, but one of us decided to pick up the phone and decided to knock some shit around. Just casually knock some tunes around” Oh yeah where are you going to be knocking some tunes around neck “August 14 at a giant stadium 600 dollars a tickets” Oh So it’s a caucus little hoonity thing. “Just going to knock some stuff around, then leave In 9 separate limousines” 

Cosmo

I got a message on my answer recently. It said hey Todd Barry this Is Elise from cosmopolitan magazine, call me back. I’m like, alright there Is going to be an article about me In cosmopolitan magazine. She answered the phone, hello photo department, this Is Todd Barry. She goes “Oh perfect we saw some of your work In nylon magazine, send you a book over’ I said there must be a photographer with my name. Then I realized I missed a primo opportunity to have some fun. Okay I’ll send my book over, then I would have bought one of those shitty cardboard cameras, taken pictures of my living room, tapped them to notebook paper. Send them to Elise, and then call her every hour. Hey Elise, did you get my book. Elise why aren’t you returning my calls. Hey Elise you called me .Elise.

Wok 

I got to learn how to cook, I just got a wok. That’s a great thing to have. With a wok In the privacy of your home, you can make your own mediocre Chinese food, for fiddy cents less than takeout. Oh yeah I’m glad I got this wok, cause those spots In Chinatown just don’t make hot dog fried rice the way I do. Hot diggity diggity diggity.

House Cut

I have a simple taste In foods I make. Restaurants always try to fluff up their menu you know. I was at this restaurant, this guy was like yeah your food comes with house cut fries. Whoa. Hold the phone. House cut fries? Are you telling me, you guys are doing all your fry cutting In house? That Is unheard of most restaurants that ship that out to some Indiana sweatshop where young boys chop up the fries for fifty cents a day. But you have house cut fries, let me guess what’s making my drink all cold? House frozen Ice. Man, did I come to the right place .

Fruit

I got to learn how to eat right man. I have been reading books on nutrition. They all say the same thing: eat fruit, eat lots of fruit, and keep on eating fruit. Close this book now and eat some fruit. Fruit, eat fruit. But what they don’t tell you about fruit, the dirty little secret about fruit, fruit sucks. Have you guys ever eaten this shit before. Oh It’s pretty, but It taste like fucking garbage. C’mon Todd what about the orange? Fuck the orange, the orange suck. Orange juice Todd? Okay you got me, I love orange juice. And I get confused too every time I drink It. I go how can something as delicious and delectable as orange juice come from something as evil as an orange? It doesn’t make any sense. Wow. I don’t think the fruit joke has ever gone over so well. 

Possible Heckle

Oh my god, with fucking, what’s that. Did someone heckle me with cameras rolling. Cameras roling fucking using thee lingo. Cameras rolling. 

Slop CD

Taking a lot of breakas. Todd this Is going to be one slop cd you’re putting out. It’s going to be edited on zip disc. That’s fucking little sketchy that It’s being recorded on zip disc. It’s a little sketchy, said he was going to come over tonight, am I getting ripped. No one when we finish editing It’s going to be slicker than a yes album. Todd, man I like you, but It was kind of over produced. 

Check with meal

Hey man, I was out, eating alone, that’s how all the freaks eat, they eat alone. I was at this restaurant alone In downtown New York, this guy was sitting at the other table alone. This Is how he ordered his food, “Yeah can I get the Veggie dinner and I uh, I always get my check with the meal” Not you can bring my check with the meal, I always get my check with the meal. I guess the waitress was supposed to say “Oh my god, I’ve heard about you, you’re the guy who always gets his check with the meal. You know, It’s been a crazy day. We  had two napkin tommies here earlier. See that guy over there, It’s desert before dinner Danny. What a great restaurant I work at” 

Thanksgiving Dinner

People always say, Thanksgiving dinner makes me sleepy. It makes me sleepy. Thanksgiving dinner makes me sleepy. You know what makes me sleepy.? Hearing about Thanksgiving dinner. So your mom puts ginger ale on the yams? You wouldn’t happen to have a green beans story on ya?

Stealing Backpack

This guy right here Is ready to hurl his backpack at me. Why are you holding that like that, afraid I might steal that? He seems to be fucking around a lot up there. I got a Weezer bootleg. Is that all true, really? God, I’m a bright , perceptive guy. 

Tattooed Women

I love tattooed women. I go crazy when I see a tattoo on a woman. I don’t even care what It Is. 

Oh this? It’s a soybean. Of course It Is. At first I thought It was rice crispy, but that would be ridiculous. 

Neck Tattoo

A big ol’ tattoo on the side of a neck. Anytime I see someone with a neck tattoo, I want to go up to him and say “Hey man, you forgot to not do that” but uh oh, you forgot. You’re trying to get a job teaching kindergarten but no one will hire you because you have a neck tattoo. That’s the way I talk to guys with neck tattoos. They get very Intimated. 

In a Band?

Are you guys In a band? A lot of tattoos with no musical ability. You gotta back up those tattoos. Play something. Play like a small drum kit or something. 

Prison = Hotels

I got roped Into a conversation recently, about the death penalty. This guy Is like “We gotta have the death penalty because prisons are like hotels” how are they like hotels? “They’re like hotels, because they got color tvs.” oh, like In hotels. Can’t argue with that. They have to have color tvs In prisons, do you know how hard It Is to find a black and white set these days. I don’t want my tax dollars being spent, to send to prison officials roaming from yard sale to yard sale, looking for an old magbox to tortue these guys with. And I’ve never been to prison, but I’ve stayed at a lot of hotels. And from what I understand In prison, they give you a much more severe wake up call, that was an anal rape joke. But at least I wasn’t wet. I wasn’t wet candy. Ohhh Wet candy. Wet candy. Get my seven dollars back. I don’t think that’s protected In the constitution, there gotta be limits. 

Couples who Agree

I have been hanging out with couples. I’m so tired of hanging out with these people and we agree on everything. They just agree on everything! Ask me about a movie they went to, we liked It. We thought the script was good, we do think he should have used different lighting In the exterior shots, really you both came out of the theatre thinking that? Even a husband and wife lighting tema wouldn’t do that. Even a couple with a lifetime subscription to a lighting magazine would not come up with that. At the same time. 

Coffee Maker

I just got one of these coffee makers with a timer on It. So you can have hot fresh coffee as soon as you wake up but thing Is, I have no Idea when I’m going to wake. I have to take a chance every time. Set this thing for, I don’t know, maybe two o’clock In the after, maybe, I had a rough night, I sleep till four In the afternoon, what do I wake up to, a hot fresh pot of nasty coffee. How am I supposed to start my day people? 

Class Act

I was reading an article In the New York Post the headline was “Class act” and It was about the beastie boys,  and how they once had the song that said “I hate faggots” and then they apologized for It. Apologizing for It Is probably better than not apologizing but I’m not sure It makes you a class act. Hey that was really big of ya man, the way you fucking I hate faggots thing down twenty years after you said It, not a lot of people would have the balls ot do It. 

Offer to Crowd

I’m going to make an offer I didn’t make last night, If anyone In this crowd runs Into me In the street, tells me they were at this taping, and If I remember, and I happen to have the cds on me, you can have one for five dollars. 

Too Many Diet Pepsis

People talk too much, that’s the problem. I was standing at a urinal recently, the guy next to me has to start a mid stream conversation. He stands “hey, how Is It going? Fhew, too many diet pepsis at dinner, hey I don’t know If you heard me, Too many diet pepsis at dinner” and It was awkward because I was just about to ask him, “Hey buddy, what beverage brough tya In here today,” the traditional mens’ room Ice breaker was totally shot down. How am I supposed to make new buddies. 

Coke Vs. Pepsi

I went to a movie theatre downtown, I overheard this conversation going on between two concession stand workers– It was a coke vs pepsi conversation. I had a few minutes to kill before the movie, so I said this might be worth a little listen. This woman actually said and I quote “I like coke, I hate Pepsi with a passion” and It made me very sad for her. Because her body Is telling her that she hates something, that tastes exactly like something she loves. But then I thought about It, I thought about some of my own little quirks, and I actually wrote some down, cause I realized when I was thinking about It. I like sprite, but I hate seven 7 with a fevor equal to the KKK’s hatred of blacks, gay, and jews. And I was thinking about It some more, I hate glazed donuts, but I hate honey dipped donuts with the same Intensity as the pope hates a woman’s right to choose. And I really enjoy the post rason brand, but I’d rather change Into a dress, put on a blonde wig, be thrown Into the showers at rikers Island then eat kellogg’s raisin bran. You were worried about that one, but then oh shit you ended up clapping. 

Prositution

Prostitution should be legalized, am I right fellas? Prostitutes adversity In the yellow pages they do, you see ads for messages services, escort services. And they have slogans like any other business, I saw one that said “we give the best service, no hidden charges,” what kind of hidden changes you gonna get from a prositution. Guy Is going ot get his bill, ah okay 200 dollars for sex, 50 dollars for RUST PROOFING, hey sunshine can you come here a sec? I hate to call you on this, especially since I’m standing here In a prom dress. And I’m the sheriff of this here town, now I will pay for the sex, I will even pay for the collision Insuranc ,ehey what’s the deal with the late fee .I’m going to have to resign to the fact that the late fee thing will never get a laugh. 

Condom

I had sex reently, took out the box of condoms, she takes the box from my hands looks at It goes hey Todd, good choice. Good choice. Now I didn’t expect her to be a virgin, but this Is no time to show brand loyalty. I was waiting for her to break Into a testimony, Todd sti down and let me tell you a little bit about the condom you selected. Todd this Is a trojan lubricator with a reservoir tip. I think It’s the best condom made by Todd, and I should know. And what Is the deal with the reservoir tip, reservoir , Isn’t that a little grandiose term for a little quarter Inch plastic bubble. Oh Honey I hope It doesn’t break, I don’t want to contaminate the groundwater 

3 Pack

But I saw a guy buying a three pack of condoms. A three pack.I need a 12 pack for one night, I do. Cause you know nine of them are going to go flying across the room. At nine separate angry girls. 

Larry King

Everyone Is getting laid though. I saw Larry King Interviewed on TV, he’s like 65 years old, and has eleven wives. He’s’ like “Hey would I be boasting If I said I didn’t need Viagra” I don’t know boasting. I might call It lying. And why would you even think about boasting about a medication you don’t need. “Hey Larry, what are you doing tomorrow, do you have any free time?” “Of course I do, It’s not like I’m on Chemotherapy or anything. When you are cancer free, like me, got a wide open dance kart” 

Lady In Audience with Cap

Hey Lady you alright? All dress up, crazy, catty cap on. You thought you were going to get better seats weren’t you? I’m going to get a good seat cap on. She’s got her good seats cap on. Are you comfortable? That’s a huge diamond Is It real? You’re alright, okay. I forgot what question she answered. I don’t think she answered that diamond question I asked. You just fucking ruined my project here lady. Todd Barry, the diamond cd. Totally fucked up by you lady. Lady. Lady. Lady. 

Party Invitation

I got Invited to a party recently, I think It’s going to be a crazy ass party, cause the hours are listed as the Invitation as nine till question mark. WWW When Is It going to end? Mama I don’t know when to tell you to come get me. Any time you see nine till the question mark, the general answer to the question Is nine fifteen. This Is usually a shitty party. Stuff your pockets full of bean dip and hit the road. Did you guys like the way I said road? I thought that was kind of adorable. I’m just trying to be as unbiased as possible about that. Cute cute cute. 

Lavender Shirt

Cute cute cute. Almost as cute as this adorable Lavender shirt I’m wearing. Trust me, people listening at home, It’s adorable. I was talking to a friend of mine about my lucky adorable shirt, I was like you know, I was half joking, I was like I always get laid when I wear this. He goes why don’t you wear It every day then? To which I fired back, what women wants to fuck a guy who wears the same shirt everyday, trying to go fucking toe to teo with Ill gucking bury you, see the way I fucking buryied you man. 

Fastest HJ’s

People say to me all the time, Todd you’re a genius, you’re adorable. I’m just telling you what people say to me, Todd, you must get laid constantly. And maybe I do, yes of course I do, but I’m not one to tell hero stories people. I have friends who tell hero stories about anything. I had a friend we were In a bar a woman walks by he goes, “Oh I know that woman, she gives the world fastest hand jobs,” I didn’t even know what to say to him, the world’s fastest handjob, oh she’s like the cheetah of the handjob kingdom. Don’t get me wrong people, I hate a slow meandering hand job as much as the next guy, It’s just like I’ve never looked down and gone, c’mon baby time Is money, so put the pedal to the medal. I got a show to catch. Man, I never would have predicted the hand job joke would have blown the roof off like It did, I almost left that one out, that’s one of those whew situations. Where you’re like, I almost got on that plane and It crashed. Whew. I think that’s a totally parallel situation, me almost leaving the hand job joke out, do you guys– clap If you enjoyed that hand job joke. I do believe we have our single. 

Temp

I used to do temp work before I was a multi Millionaire stand up comic. These temp agencies take themselves so seriously they would always tell me to dress up, no matter how shitty and degrading the job was. Hey Todd we got a job for you tomorrow, Whew! How did you get so lucky? It’s working at the mailroom at a slaughterhouse. Being there five am, don’t forget to dress up, cause we got some complaints when we sent you to the nerve gas facility. Saw you In the mail room, my boss Is working my ass off, he’s yelling at me like “Todd how come you ain’t stuffing the envelopes fast enough?” I don’t know, maybe because I’m wearing a tuxedo. You let me take this cumerbun off, I’ll throw the cane down, I’ll go to town on those envelopes. I’ll even keep the top hat on, unless you’d like to wear It, It might go well with that bob seger concert t-shirt you’re wearing. Sir. 

Gym Renewal

I used to go to this gym, and I stopped going not only because I hated going there, but you have to deal with the assholes that work there. Asking you to renew your membership like the first half hour you’re there. This guys Is giving me the spiel “Todd, you can use all our locations we just opened one In Tokyo,”  “That will come In handy when I start playing drums for cheap trick”

Crazy Mixtape

I got to go on the road soon. Yeah I have to drive sometimes with a guy for like 6 hours, another comic. And I never bring music. And I always have to deal with the guy with a crazy mix tape. “Hey do you have any music?” “Oh! Top this baby In. All these bands are from south bend Indiana,” “holy shit, Is that the south bend Indiana mega mix? I heard about, last week I listened to AKron ohio a go go” 

Hit on Staff

Many people ask me all the time, Todd , when you go on the road, do you hit the waitstaff?” People , I am a professional, and I have a policy. I will not hit on the wait staff until every opportunity In the audience has been exhausted, It’s called professionalism. Okay, alright. 

Movies at Motel

I checked out of a hotel a few years ago. The guy accused me of watching too many movies I didn’t watch. I said I didn’t watch them, he said are you sure, I said yeah I’m sure. He said “Did anyone else have access to the room” “well, I did give a set of keys to siskel and ebert, ya think? Man I’m glad you grilled me on this” 

Austin Complaint

I just worked down In Austin Texas. Someone complained to the manager that my voice was too monotone. First Of all, I didn’t even know you could complain about that. I didn’t even know that was on the list of legit things you could complain about. My meal Is cold, that’s legitimate, I ordered spirits, they gave me ginger ale, that’s legitimate, but honey this guy’s voice Is kind of monotone, go get the manager. And I just fantasize about getting this woman’s phone number and calling her up. And saying “hello. This Is Todd Barry, I understand that you had a problem with my voice being too monotone, well I have been working on It. Tell me what you think, here It goes, cunt cunt cunt cunt. Wow that’s quite a range I have”

Nate Bargatze – Full Time Magic

Nate Bargatze – Full Time Magic

I’ve got to go name my chapters

Than you wow. Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh um. It’s uh, you know. I’ll be honest with you, I don’t think the show is going to be as good as that, I think I’m going to let you guys down. Dang. Feel like we peaked. Let get doing it. Or something. I’m un, very excited to be here, I’m married, this is what marriage feels like by the way. Just one person talking, I’m gong get out of here. It’s, that’s, we ‘re from Nashville me and my wife were in Nashville last summer and we were floating on the water and there was a guy in a boat, and my wife was like that’s my ex boyfriend in that boat. Now, I didn’t know who he was so she didn’t have to say that at all. She was basically like, were you having fun, cause I’d like to put a stop to that, and make you stare at this guy the rest of the day. So I’m staring at this guy and I look at my wife and she’s staring at him. And I feel like she’s staring at him to see what her life would be like if she hadn’t married me, so I’m staring at him like I wonder what my life would be like if hadn’t married her. You know. And we were putting so much pressure on this guy. And, we stared at him for a while, and he did something exciting at all, and looked back at each other, and you know what we didn’t have a boat, that was the only different. My friend was like why didn’t you fight him, well I would have to swim over to fight him don’t know how inundating that is, just see a guy’s head in a lifejacket. Then I would have to get in a boat. Have you ever tried to get in a boat from water? It’s not aggressive. It takes an hour if no one is in the boat, like, if he’s in there I’m never going in. I can’t tell you why but I really need this boat. 

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Sold out, Suck it! – Kyle Kinane Transcribed

Sold out, Suck it! – Kyle Kinane

Corporately Stifled

A 22 year old dick having sunglasses on riding a skateboard all the time. Shouldn’t’ be able to organism just like awesome all the time, it’s all it should be. I don’t understand you mind and your body should be one system, it’s put together that way. Just one machine that gets you through the world safely, the mind and the boy, here’s the office and hers the warehouse.. It should all work together to do that. Except my mind and my body are not working together to do that. My mind and my body are not a symbiotic relationship, it’s a spy v spy cartoon, putting bombs in each other’s pocket every single chance it can get. There is a woman of age who wants to have consensual sex with you no stings attached, really, yeah, I’m nervous. PHHHH. Let’s have a conversation about brunch for 3 hours now. Are you on a field trip right now, Kylie? Are you in front of the Vietnam memorial right now, what’s happening now, really weird boner, three dead soldiers in a row all named Oscar, yeah yeah what the fuck. Are you okay Kyle, just getting real emotional you guys go ahead. Jesus Christ why. Betrayal. 

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Emily Heller – Good for her Transcribed

Emily Heller – Good for her

An impression to start

Oh thank you. Thank you so much. Keep it going for Josh Gondelman. I am so happy to be here.

I am going to start with an impression, if that’s okay. I promise it’s the only one I’m going to do. It’s the only one I know how to do. But! I think I might be the best in the world at it. I hope you haven’t heard it before. This is an impression of my mom, or rather who my mom has become since my parents got a small dog. Because I went home recently and this was a real conversation we had. “Do You wanna see Buster’s new trick? Buster. Buster. Buster sat down. Buster, Buster! Busty boy. Bust. Bust. Buster brown. Buster sat down. Buster! He was doing it before.” Thank you, thank you so much. 

Oh my gosh. I want you to know that I shorten that. You’re welcome. Also you know, I’ll go ahead and acknowledge I know you guys are not the ideal audience for that impression. It’s not anything against you, I’ve just already performed that for its ideal audience, which is my brother: stoned. He listened to that for like an hour. It’s not gonna get better than that, I’m at peace with it, we’re gonna have a fun night. 

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