Todd Barry – Medium Energy

Todd Barry – Medium Energy

Intro 

Ladies and gentlemen, New York City. Please welcome Todd Barry. 

Oh wow, thank you. Thank you for that big live album style applause. We’re already off to a great great start. Holy shit this place Is packed out. Let me tell you what I’m going to be doing tonight, I’m going to be doing a mixture of really old shit that I’m tired of. Spiced up with some things that are too new to be performed but I’ll do them anyway. I guess what I’m saying Is that what I’m about to do Is a really shitty show for you guys. And thanks for coming out. Time to do some masturbation jokes. 

ATM

I saw a guy masturbating at an automatic teller machine. Yeah. I was totally silent and grossed out at first. And then I realized, hey there have been times when I’ve checked my balance and I find wow, I got a little more money than I thought, and you want to celebrate, but you just got to count to ten. Take a few deep breaths and move the celebration to another location. You gotta resist the temptation of those slutty bank machines. 

Autoerotic

Some guys go crazy with the masturbation. I was reading this thing on Autoertic affixation. Some guys actually choke themselves with a belt while doing It. I read 800 men a year die from doing this. I was like, 800 a year, no way. Then I remembered how many times I nearly killed myself from just conventional masturbation. Just regular old meat and potatoes, mom and pop, missionary position masturbation. Has almost sent me to that little old lonely Ramada Inn room In the sky. Now I travel, and I’ve masturbated in every hotel chain, and I’m here to tell you, Ramada Inns are the best hotels to masturbate in, and no I’m not being paid to say that. 

Moves In Neighborhood

They’re always making movies In my neighborhood. And the filmmakers have very cute throats. They put a sign In my neighborhood, “We’re making a movie In your neighborhood, could you cooperate and cancel all your deliveries’ ‘ Okay. Hello drug store. Could you hold off on delivering my perspective. Yeah I don’t want my heart medication Interfering with the big Keith O’sutherland coming back. Nah It’s going to happen. It’s– don’t fucking delvier that shit. 

Florida

I grew up In Florida. Friend of mine took his first trip down to Florida, went to Disney World. He came back complaining that It was tourists. I was like, oh man don’t tell me that. The tourist found out about Disney World? Dman. That used to be my secret. Me and the guy after school used to rush over to the magic world, pay the 95 dollar admission fee. I try to avoid the tourists here, that’s why I go to a place called Planet Hollywood. Check It out If you want to hang with the townies and the locals. 

Air conditioning

I hated Florida, the only good thing about Florida, great air conditioning everywhere. I meet people every summer In New York who tell me they don’t like air condition they’re like “I don’t like air conditioning, It’s not natural,” and I guess I see their point. I mean what Is air conditioning, just a definite solution to a problem.  It’s hot In here. Click, now It’s cool In here. Oooh you’re right this does suck. You know It reminds me of that time I was hungry and I ate that food. That shitty statifiesed feeling. Who needs that, It taints naturally. It tatint. Hear my sophisticated voice. 

Big Bookstores

I even go to bookstore people. I like the Barnes and noble, the borders. They have the lowest pressure sales staff In the world. You can go In there, pull ten books off the shelf, “Hey where do I pay for these?” “Pay for them, you can read them here? What do you think the eight hundred couches are for? What are you studying for a test, here’s a highlighter.  Mark It up all you want. I don’t give a shit. Hey I noticed you have a  cookbook, anything you want to make” “Well there’s a chili recipe “”Rip It out. You’re Not goin to buy that huge overpriced cookbook for one recipe. That’s ridiculous. If I see you walking toward that cashier with that book, I will tackle you. I will rip that recipe out myself, I will drive you home and cook that recipe for you myself. So start a-ripping. My favorite shelf at the big bookstore, the staff recommendation shelf. Oh golly I need help picking a book out. How about seven habits of highly effective people, as recommended by Jimmie the stock clerk. What does It say on this little card, “I read this book and It turned my whole life around” Wow Jimmie what were you doing before you read that book? You only have the shittiest job In this place. 

KMart In New York

We have a Kmart now In New York City. New Yorkers were pissed off when K mart came to town. They were outside the store protesting. They didn’t even know what to say. They were like “ down with K-Mart and their merchandise that people can afford, down with K Mart and their 300 gallon drum of Laundry Detergent. Wow. I mean why don’t you go take your good values to another town. Let’s turn that building Into a vintage clothing store, the kind that sells used K-Mart shirts for 700 dollars”

Body Shop

I discovered the best store, this past holiday season. The Body shop? They should call this place “the last minute thoughtless gift warehouse” You could be asleep and shop there. Aaaah. Oh, grapefruit bath gel. My sister eats grapefruit, she bathes, boom! Hey nice bottle, no need to buy wrapping paper, totally shopping time, nine seconds. 

Answering Machine

Food or Music?

Food or Music? What do you think, lady? Music. We’re going to do some music jokes, by request. Before we get to those, we’re going to do the jokes I planned to do before the music jokes. 

Buy Parents House

I just bought my parents a house. Yeah. Yeah. That’s what all entertainers do when they get rich. They buy their parents a house. But I am not rich, so I bought my parents a house that Is worse than the one they already live In. They called me up all confused. Todd? Yes. Why do we have to move? Cause I bought you a house. Todd with all due respect, you bought us a shitty house. It’s not shitty. I’ll tell you what Is shitty, making those ten dollar a month mortgage payments. Now go Inside and say hello to your new crackhead roommates. I bought my parents a crack house. I just over explained that one. 

Sperm Bank Babies

But I was watching this A&E Investigative report, they had an episode about Sperm Bank Babies who were trying to find their biological fathers. ANd now the sperm banks are actually hooking these people up with an audiocastle message from their father. I wonder what the typical message is: “Hi Tommy, this Is your dad, stop looking for me. I never wanted afamily, I wanted 50 bucks. I’d love to keep on the chit chat, but I have about another thousand cassettes to make”

Real World

I like that Real world show. I just can’t believe they still find people who are willing to go on that show. I was talking to a guy once, he said that he went on that show because he could put It on his resume. Could you Imagine putting that on your resume, that’d backfire In your face. Ten years down the line, you’re at a job Interview, “Hey you were on the real, I used to watch that show, hey wait a second. You look a little familiar, you’re the guy who ate all of Becky’s pretzel. What the fuck Is your problem? You’re not really a team player are you? I am sorry, but we need team players here at walmart. My assistant, Puck will show you to the door” 

MTV Diary

MTV has that new show Diary. The day In the life of a musician. They had Snoop Dogg on, he gets on at the beginning he’s like “Hey this Is Snoop Dogg this Is the day In my life, you think you know but you have no Idea’ It’s like alright, Snoop’s gonna have some surprises. Net shot Is him on his tour bus, playing video games and smoking pot. Whoa, Snoop you’re  a man of your word. I expected to find you sitting there with a tattered copy of Romeo and Juliet, NPR In the background, look at you smoking pot. I thought I knew you but I In fact had no Idea. Snoop. 

Behind the Music

I like that Behind the Music show. Very Informative show. I was watching It the other day, I was like Oh my god, I didn’t know Billie Idol liked living life to the fullest. I watched the Bon Jovi episode behind the music, they kept using this phrase, “and then he went back to his roots, the next year he went back to his roots” I watched the whole show, I didn’t see one portion where he strayed from his roots. It’s’ not like “in 1987, Bon Jovi entered a new Jersey recording studio with just four sets of bagpipes and a wood block”

Grammy Award

I don’t like those grammy awards though. Always the famous shitty bands. You never see some poor struggling unknown garage band win. That would be nice. “And the album of the year goes to…. The Angry Ponchos? They couldn’t be here because their van broke down. They’re manager was going to accept the award for them, but he couldn’t get the night off from the video store”

Band with Orchestra

The only reason to watch the Grammy awards, sometimes a band will do something fancy. I was watching one year, Guns and Roses was playing with a full orchestra. And Guns and Roses wasn’t using full sheet music but the orchestra was. Slash can remember the tune. But the first chair violin player for the London Phil Harmonic, he’s having a little trouble. Whoa, A, whew tough, over to G, back to A curve ball. My 60 years of training did not prepare me for that. 

Boxed Sets

The big thing In music now, In record stores are these boxed sets. All the albums by one artist In a box. Someone there going “Oh, I’ve never owned anything by the Oak Ridge boys. I think It’s time I owned everything by the Oak Ridge boys. Let me see that, whoa! That Is heavy. 27 compact discs, hey It’s only five thousand dollars. Includes a hip-hop remix of El Vira! Giddy! Giddy on up. Giddy the mother fuck uppa

Behind Stage

Bands are getting greedy these days. I went to buy a ticket for some bands at Madison Square Garden. Guy said we only have a few tickets left, they’re 75 dollars and the seats are behind the stage. I said behind the stage, I said you know what I’m going to stay home. The guy said, stay home 40 bucks. 40 dollars to not see the big Micheal Bolton Huey and the blowfish, Celion Dion triple bill. With a special guest third eye blind, hey wait Todd that’s not a triple bill anymore, I just counted to four, shit ya got me. Ya busted me. 

Fugazi

Oh I saw this documentary on this band Fugazi. They’re what’s called a punk rock band. They have a lot of Integrity, they won’t charge more than 5 dollars  for their concerts. You know there has to be at least one guy In the band who Isn’t happy about this. The drummer Is gonna snap at some point, “Hey fellas can we stop a second, I had the craziest Idea, what If we charge 6 dollas. I was thinking that extra dollar times 800 people a night times five shows a week, equal I don’t have a roommate when I’m 47” that’s what I was thinking.

Bands Reuniting

There hasn’t been a fucking bogus reunion lately has there? The eagles are the one I remember . Every Time the band reunites they Interview me. “Oh yeah we had some problems you know, but one of us decided to pick up the phone and decided to knock some shit around. Just casually knock some tunes around” Oh yeah where are you going to be knocking some tunes around neck “August 14 at a giant stadium 600 dollars a tickets” Oh So it’s a caucus little hoonity thing. “Just going to knock some stuff around, then leave In 9 separate limousines” 

Cosmo

I got a message on my answer recently. It said hey Todd Barry this Is Elise from cosmopolitan magazine, call me back. I’m like, alright there Is going to be an article about me In cosmopolitan magazine. She answered the phone, hello photo department, this Is Todd Barry. She goes “Oh perfect we saw some of your work In nylon magazine, send you a book over’ I said there must be a photographer with my name. Then I realized I missed a primo opportunity to have some fun. Okay I’ll send my book over, then I would have bought one of those shitty cardboard cameras, taken pictures of my living room, tapped them to notebook paper. Send them to Elise, and then call her every hour. Hey Elise, did you get my book. Elise why aren’t you returning my calls. Hey Elise you called me .Elise.

Wok 

I got to learn how to cook, I just got a wok. That’s a great thing to have. With a wok In the privacy of your home, you can make your own mediocre Chinese food, for fiddy cents less than takeout. Oh yeah I’m glad I got this wok, cause those spots In Chinatown just don’t make hot dog fried rice the way I do. Hot diggity diggity diggity.

House Cut

I have a simple taste In foods I make. Restaurants always try to fluff up their menu you know. I was at this restaurant, this guy was like yeah your food comes with house cut fries. Whoa. Hold the phone. House cut fries? Are you telling me, you guys are doing all your fry cutting In house? That Is unheard of most restaurants that ship that out to some Indiana sweatshop where young boys chop up the fries for fifty cents a day. But you have house cut fries, let me guess what’s making my drink all cold? House frozen Ice. Man, did I come to the right place .

Fruit

I got to learn how to eat right man. I have been reading books on nutrition. They all say the same thing: eat fruit, eat lots of fruit, and keep on eating fruit. Close this book now and eat some fruit. Fruit, eat fruit. But what they don’t tell you about fruit, the dirty little secret about fruit, fruit sucks. Have you guys ever eaten this shit before. Oh It’s pretty, but It taste like fucking garbage. C’mon Todd what about the orange? Fuck the orange, the orange suck. Orange juice Todd? Okay you got me, I love orange juice. And I get confused too every time I drink It. I go how can something as delicious and delectable as orange juice come from something as evil as an orange? It doesn’t make any sense. Wow. I don’t think the fruit joke has ever gone over so well. 

Possible Heckle

Oh my god, with fucking, what’s that. Did someone heckle me with cameras rolling. Cameras roling fucking using thee lingo. Cameras rolling. 

Slop CD

Taking a lot of breakas. Todd this Is going to be one slop cd you’re putting out. It’s going to be edited on zip disc. That’s fucking little sketchy that It’s being recorded on zip disc. It’s a little sketchy, said he was going to come over tonight, am I getting ripped. No one when we finish editing It’s going to be slicker than a yes album. Todd, man I like you, but It was kind of over produced. 

Check with meal

Hey man, I was out, eating alone, that’s how all the freaks eat, they eat alone. I was at this restaurant alone In downtown New York, this guy was sitting at the other table alone. This Is how he ordered his food, “Yeah can I get the Veggie dinner and I uh, I always get my check with the meal” Not you can bring my check with the meal, I always get my check with the meal. I guess the waitress was supposed to say “Oh my god, I’ve heard about you, you’re the guy who always gets his check with the meal. You know, It’s been a crazy day. We  had two napkin tommies here earlier. See that guy over there, It’s desert before dinner Danny. What a great restaurant I work at” 

Thanksgiving Dinner

People always say, Thanksgiving dinner makes me sleepy. It makes me sleepy. Thanksgiving dinner makes me sleepy. You know what makes me sleepy.? Hearing about Thanksgiving dinner. So your mom puts ginger ale on the yams? You wouldn’t happen to have a green beans story on ya?

Stealing Backpack

This guy right here Is ready to hurl his backpack at me. Why are you holding that like that, afraid I might steal that? He seems to be fucking around a lot up there. I got a Weezer bootleg. Is that all true, really? God, I’m a bright , perceptive guy. 

Tattooed Women

I love tattooed women. I go crazy when I see a tattoo on a woman. I don’t even care what It Is. 

Oh this? It’s a soybean. Of course It Is. At first I thought It was rice crispy, but that would be ridiculous. 

Neck Tattoo

A big ol’ tattoo on the side of a neck. Anytime I see someone with a neck tattoo, I want to go up to him and say “Hey man, you forgot to not do that” but uh oh, you forgot. You’re trying to get a job teaching kindergarten but no one will hire you because you have a neck tattoo. That’s the way I talk to guys with neck tattoos. They get very Intimated. 

In a Band?

Are you guys In a band? A lot of tattoos with no musical ability. You gotta back up those tattoos. Play something. Play like a small drum kit or something. 

Prison = Hotels

I got roped Into a conversation recently, about the death penalty. This guy Is like “We gotta have the death penalty because prisons are like hotels” how are they like hotels? “They’re like hotels, because they got color tvs.” oh, like In hotels. Can’t argue with that. They have to have color tvs In prisons, do you know how hard It Is to find a black and white set these days. I don’t want my tax dollars being spent, to send to prison officials roaming from yard sale to yard sale, looking for an old magbox to tortue these guys with. And I’ve never been to prison, but I’ve stayed at a lot of hotels. And from what I understand In prison, they give you a much more severe wake up call, that was an anal rape joke. But at least I wasn’t wet. I wasn’t wet candy. Ohhh Wet candy. Wet candy. Get my seven dollars back. I don’t think that’s protected In the constitution, there gotta be limits. 

Couples who Agree

I have been hanging out with couples. I’m so tired of hanging out with these people and we agree on everything. They just agree on everything! Ask me about a movie they went to, we liked It. We thought the script was good, we do think he should have used different lighting In the exterior shots, really you both came out of the theatre thinking that? Even a husband and wife lighting tema wouldn’t do that. Even a couple with a lifetime subscription to a lighting magazine would not come up with that. At the same time. 

Coffee Maker

I just got one of these coffee makers with a timer on It. So you can have hot fresh coffee as soon as you wake up but thing Is, I have no Idea when I’m going to wake. I have to take a chance every time. Set this thing for, I don’t know, maybe two o’clock In the after, maybe, I had a rough night, I sleep till four In the afternoon, what do I wake up to, a hot fresh pot of nasty coffee. How am I supposed to start my day people? 

Class Act

I was reading an article In the New York Post the headline was “Class act” and It was about the beastie boys,  and how they once had the song that said “I hate faggots” and then they apologized for It. Apologizing for It Is probably better than not apologizing but I’m not sure It makes you a class act. Hey that was really big of ya man, the way you fucking I hate faggots thing down twenty years after you said It, not a lot of people would have the balls ot do It. 

Offer to Crowd

I’m going to make an offer I didn’t make last night, If anyone In this crowd runs Into me In the street, tells me they were at this taping, and If I remember, and I happen to have the cds on me, you can have one for five dollars. 

Too Many Diet Pepsis

People talk too much, that’s the problem. I was standing at a urinal recently, the guy next to me has to start a mid stream conversation. He stands “hey, how Is It going? Fhew, too many diet pepsis at dinner, hey I don’t know If you heard me, Too many diet pepsis at dinner” and It was awkward because I was just about to ask him, “Hey buddy, what beverage brough tya In here today,” the traditional mens’ room Ice breaker was totally shot down. How am I supposed to make new buddies. 

Coke Vs. Pepsi

I went to a movie theatre downtown, I overheard this conversation going on between two concession stand workers– It was a coke vs pepsi conversation. I had a few minutes to kill before the movie, so I said this might be worth a little listen. This woman actually said and I quote “I like coke, I hate Pepsi with a passion” and It made me very sad for her. Because her body Is telling her that she hates something, that tastes exactly like something she loves. But then I thought about It, I thought about some of my own little quirks, and I actually wrote some down, cause I realized when I was thinking about It. I like sprite, but I hate seven 7 with a fevor equal to the KKK’s hatred of blacks, gay, and jews. And I was thinking about It some more, I hate glazed donuts, but I hate honey dipped donuts with the same Intensity as the pope hates a woman’s right to choose. And I really enjoy the post rason brand, but I’d rather change Into a dress, put on a blonde wig, be thrown Into the showers at rikers Island then eat kellogg’s raisin bran. You were worried about that one, but then oh shit you ended up clapping. 

Prositution

Prostitution should be legalized, am I right fellas? Prostitutes adversity In the yellow pages they do, you see ads for messages services, escort services. And they have slogans like any other business, I saw one that said “we give the best service, no hidden charges,” what kind of hidden changes you gonna get from a prositution. Guy Is going ot get his bill, ah okay 200 dollars for sex, 50 dollars for RUST PROOFING, hey sunshine can you come here a sec? I hate to call you on this, especially since I’m standing here In a prom dress. And I’m the sheriff of this here town, now I will pay for the sex, I will even pay for the collision Insuranc ,ehey what’s the deal with the late fee .I’m going to have to resign to the fact that the late fee thing will never get a laugh. 

Condom

I had sex reently, took out the box of condoms, she takes the box from my hands looks at It goes hey Todd, good choice. Good choice. Now I didn’t expect her to be a virgin, but this Is no time to show brand loyalty. I was waiting for her to break Into a testimony, Todd sti down and let me tell you a little bit about the condom you selected. Todd this Is a trojan lubricator with a reservoir tip. I think It’s the best condom made by Todd, and I should know. And what Is the deal with the reservoir tip, reservoir , Isn’t that a little grandiose term for a little quarter Inch plastic bubble. Oh Honey I hope It doesn’t break, I don’t want to contaminate the groundwater 

3 Pack

But I saw a guy buying a three pack of condoms. A three pack.I need a 12 pack for one night, I do. Cause you know nine of them are going to go flying across the room. At nine separate angry girls. 

Larry King

Everyone Is getting laid though. I saw Larry King Interviewed on TV, he’s like 65 years old, and has eleven wives. He’s’ like “Hey would I be boasting If I said I didn’t need Viagra” I don’t know boasting. I might call It lying. And why would you even think about boasting about a medication you don’t need. “Hey Larry, what are you doing tomorrow, do you have any free time?” “Of course I do, It’s not like I’m on Chemotherapy or anything. When you are cancer free, like me, got a wide open dance kart” 

Lady In Audience with Cap

Hey Lady you alright? All dress up, crazy, catty cap on. You thought you were going to get better seats weren’t you? I’m going to get a good seat cap on. She’s got her good seats cap on. Are you comfortable? That’s a huge diamond Is It real? You’re alright, okay. I forgot what question she answered. I don’t think she answered that diamond question I asked. You just fucking ruined my project here lady. Todd Barry, the diamond cd. Totally fucked up by you lady. Lady. Lady. Lady. 

Party Invitation

I got Invited to a party recently, I think It’s going to be a crazy ass party, cause the hours are listed as the Invitation as nine till question mark. WWW When Is It going to end? Mama I don’t know when to tell you to come get me. Any time you see nine till the question mark, the general answer to the question Is nine fifteen. This Is usually a shitty party. Stuff your pockets full of bean dip and hit the road. Did you guys like the way I said road? I thought that was kind of adorable. I’m just trying to be as unbiased as possible about that. Cute cute cute. 

Lavender Shirt

Cute cute cute. Almost as cute as this adorable Lavender shirt I’m wearing. Trust me, people listening at home, It’s adorable. I was talking to a friend of mine about my lucky adorable shirt, I was like you know, I was half joking, I was like I always get laid when I wear this. He goes why don’t you wear It every day then? To which I fired back, what women wants to fuck a guy who wears the same shirt everyday, trying to go fucking toe to teo with Ill gucking bury you, see the way I fucking buryied you man. 

Fastest HJ’s

People say to me all the time, Todd you’re a genius, you’re adorable. I’m just telling you what people say to me, Todd, you must get laid constantly. And maybe I do, yes of course I do, but I’m not one to tell hero stories people. I have friends who tell hero stories about anything. I had a friend we were In a bar a woman walks by he goes, “Oh I know that woman, she gives the world fastest hand jobs,” I didn’t even know what to say to him, the world’s fastest handjob, oh she’s like the cheetah of the handjob kingdom. Don’t get me wrong people, I hate a slow meandering hand job as much as the next guy, It’s just like I’ve never looked down and gone, c’mon baby time Is money, so put the pedal to the medal. I got a show to catch. Man, I never would have predicted the hand job joke would have blown the roof off like It did, I almost left that one out, that’s one of those whew situations. Where you’re like, I almost got on that plane and It crashed. Whew. I think that’s a totally parallel situation, me almost leaving the hand job joke out, do you guys– clap If you enjoyed that hand job joke. I do believe we have our single. 

Temp

I used to do temp work before I was a multi Millionaire stand up comic. These temp agencies take themselves so seriously they would always tell me to dress up, no matter how shitty and degrading the job was. Hey Todd we got a job for you tomorrow, Whew! How did you get so lucky? It’s working at the mailroom at a slaughterhouse. Being there five am, don’t forget to dress up, cause we got some complaints when we sent you to the nerve gas facility. Saw you In the mail room, my boss Is working my ass off, he’s yelling at me like “Todd how come you ain’t stuffing the envelopes fast enough?” I don’t know, maybe because I’m wearing a tuxedo. You let me take this cumerbun off, I’ll throw the cane down, I’ll go to town on those envelopes. I’ll even keep the top hat on, unless you’d like to wear It, It might go well with that bob seger concert t-shirt you’re wearing. Sir. 

Gym Renewal

I used to go to this gym, and I stopped going not only because I hated going there, but you have to deal with the assholes that work there. Asking you to renew your membership like the first half hour you’re there. This guys Is giving me the spiel “Todd, you can use all our locations we just opened one In Tokyo,”  “That will come In handy when I start playing drums for cheap trick”

Crazy Mixtape

I got to go on the road soon. Yeah I have to drive sometimes with a guy for like 6 hours, another comic. And I never bring music. And I always have to deal with the guy with a crazy mix tape. “Hey do you have any music?” “Oh! Top this baby In. All these bands are from south bend Indiana,” “holy shit, Is that the south bend Indiana mega mix? I heard about, last week I listened to AKron ohio a go go” 

Hit on Staff

Many people ask me all the time, Todd , when you go on the road, do you hit the waitstaff?” People , I am a professional, and I have a policy. I will not hit on the wait staff until every opportunity In the audience has been exhausted, It’s called professionalism. Okay, alright. 

Movies at Motel

I checked out of a hotel a few years ago. The guy accused me of watching too many movies I didn’t watch. I said I didn’t watch them, he said are you sure, I said yeah I’m sure. He said “Did anyone else have access to the room” “well, I did give a set of keys to siskel and ebert, ya think? Man I’m glad you grilled me on this” 

Austin Complaint

I just worked down In Austin Texas. Someone complained to the manager that my voice was too monotone. First Of all, I didn’t even know you could complain about that. I didn’t even know that was on the list of legit things you could complain about. My meal Is cold, that’s legitimate, I ordered spirits, they gave me ginger ale, that’s legitimate, but honey this guy’s voice Is kind of monotone, go get the manager. And I just fantasize about getting this woman’s phone number and calling her up. And saying “hello. This Is Todd Barry, I understand that you had a problem with my voice being too monotone, well I have been working on It. Tell me what you think, here It goes, cunt cunt cunt cunt. Wow that’s quite a range I have”

Nate Bargatze – Full Time Magic

Nate Bargatze – Full Time Magic

I’ve got to go name my chapters

Than you wow. Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh um. It’s uh, you know. I’ll be honest with you, I don’t think the show is going to be as good as that, I think I’m going to let you guys down. Dang. Feel like we peaked. Let get doing it. Or something. I’m un, very excited to be here, I’m married, this is what marriage feels like by the way. Just one person talking, I’m gong get out of here. It’s, that’s, we ‘re from Nashville me and my wife were in Nashville last summer and we were floating on the water and there was a guy in a boat, and my wife was like that’s my ex boyfriend in that boat. Now, I didn’t know who he was so she didn’t have to say that at all. She was basically like, were you having fun, cause I’d like to put a stop to that, and make you stare at this guy the rest of the day. So I’m staring at this guy and I look at my wife and she’s staring at him. And I feel like she’s staring at him to see what her life would be like if she hadn’t married me, so I’m staring at him like I wonder what my life would be like if hadn’t married her. You know. And we were putting so much pressure on this guy. And, we stared at him for a while, and he did something exciting at all, and looked back at each other, and you know what we didn’t have a boat, that was the only different. My friend was like why didn’t you fight him, well I would have to swim over to fight him don’t know how inundating that is, just see a guy’s head in a lifejacket. Then I would have to get in a boat. Have you ever tried to get in a boat from water? It’s not aggressive. It takes an hour if no one is in the boat, like, if he’s in there I’m never going in. I can’t tell you why but I really need this boat. 

Continue reading “Nate Bargatze – Full Time Magic”

Sold out, Suck it! – Kyle Kinane Transcribed

Sold out, Suck it! – Kyle Kinane

Corporately Stifled

A 22 year old dick having sunglasses on riding a skateboard all the time. Shouldn’t’ be able to organism just like awesome all the time, it’s all it should be. I don’t understand you mind and your body should be one system, it’s put together that way. Just one machine that gets you through the world safely, the mind and the boy, here’s the office and hers the warehouse.. It should all work together to do that. Except my mind and my body are not working together to do that. My mind and my body are not a symbiotic relationship, it’s a spy v spy cartoon, putting bombs in each other’s pocket every single chance it can get. There is a woman of age who wants to have consensual sex with you no stings attached, really, yeah, I’m nervous. PHHHH. Let’s have a conversation about brunch for 3 hours now. Are you on a field trip right now, Kylie? Are you in front of the Vietnam memorial right now, what’s happening now, really weird boner, three dead soldiers in a row all named Oscar, yeah yeah what the fuck. Are you okay Kyle, just getting real emotional you guys go ahead. Jesus Christ why. Betrayal. 

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Emily Heller – Good for her Transcribed

Emily Heller – Good for her

An impression to start

Oh thank you. Thank you so much. Keep it going for Josh Gondelman. I am so happy to be here.

I am going to start with an impression, if that’s okay. I promise it’s the only one I’m going to do. It’s the only one I know how to do. But! I think I might be the best in the world at it. I hope you haven’t heard it before. This is an impression of my mom, or rather who my mom has become since my parents got a small dog. Because I went home recently and this was a real conversation we had. “Do You wanna see Buster’s new trick? Buster. Buster. Buster sat down. Buster, Buster! Busty boy. Bust. Bust. Buster brown. Buster sat down. Buster! He was doing it before.” Thank you, thank you so much. 

Oh my gosh. I want you to know that I shorten that. You’re welcome. Also you know, I’ll go ahead and acknowledge I know you guys are not the ideal audience for that impression. It’s not anything against you, I’ve just already performed that for its ideal audience, which is my brother: stoned. He listened to that for like an hour. It’s not gonna get better than that, I’m at peace with it, we’re gonna have a fun night. 

Continue reading “Emily Heller – Good for her Transcribed”

Andrew Dice Clay Dice Transcribed

Andrew Dice Clay – Dice

What If The Chick Gets Pregnant….

Ahhh, let’s say your fucking. Let’s say your fucking, I don’t know, your fucking dog style, right? Let’s say your fucking dog style and the chick gets pregnant. I mean, ah, would the kid pop out backward. I don’t know. I saw some chick walking around with a big hump on her back, say you were fucking dog style huh. 

Mother Goose

Little Miss Muffle sat on a tuff, eating a Kurds and Wayne, along came Miss Spider and sat down beside her. Said hey, what’s in the bowl bitch. Oh. Jack and Jill went up the hill Both with a buck and quarter, Jill came down with two-fifty. Ah, fucking whore. Little boy blue, he needed the money. Was an old lady who lived in a shoe, had so many kids, her uterus fell out. Jack be nimble jack be quick, jack burnt off his fucking dick. Oh, mother, Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her old dog a bone, she bent over, () took over oh. She got a bottle of her own. Mary Mary quite contrary trim that pussy it’s so damn hairy, oh. Alright, I see you’ve been doing your homework. But you see, that’s where I can’t go. I’m not happy with the old shit. Let’s do a few more. Peter, a pumpkin eater, had a wife who loved to beat her, smacked her twice across the head then went to bed. Little bow peep fucked a sheep she licked his ass so good tongued his balls not once but twice. Mary had a little lamb she kept in her backyard, when she took her panties off his wooly dick got hard. Hicky dicky dock, some chick was sucking my cock the clock struck two I dumped my goo I dumped the bitch on the next block end of the story. Good old mother goose, I fucked her. Didn’t have any fucking choice. Two ticks a hoe and a heartbeat that’s all it takes for me. I hate when you see a chick, oh she had a great personality, but does she suck a good dick. My friend Joey has a good personality too. But I don’t want him to blow me. 

A Day At The Beach

That’s why I don’t understand the whole faggot thing. To me, that’s common sense. I don’t see how a guy lies on a beach sees another guy’s hairy ass and says oh, I’ll eat that. I gotta have that. I ain’t leaving the beach till I see him. And they’re too sensitive they don’t know if they want to be called gays, homosexual, faires. I call them cocksuckers. I think it spells it out. What’s the big debate about it? Yeah, they want their rights, I’ll give them their rights, ten percent off vaseline now get the fuck back in the closet. It’s unbelievable. I can’t deal with it anymore. You have all kids now. Not just the regular, it’s these trans testicles now. You ever one of them that’s a nice Sunday surprise. Meet the girl of your dreams, wine and dine her, take her home, put your hand up her skirt, and hold a tree trunk. What do you say, hey for a chick you have some set of balls. And bisexual, let me explain something, there is no bisexual, no such thing. You either suck dick, or you do not suck dick. I mean, what are these guys. Do they get up in the morning and flip a coin? Heads I want, tails I want balls across the nose, oh. What a choice huh. I mean you never see a black guy being a guy. How do you give a guy heads from three blocks away and say I love you? Blacks are proud of their pensis, they hold onto it like someone is going to rip it off, you see me, coming down the street Yeah. You know a lot of people say to me, Moby, why are you always holding your dick? Well, it wouldn’t be gentlemen to leave it dragging it around behind me. And why you’re at why don’t you be a gentleman and snack the toilet. And plunge the kitchen sink, it can always use it. The blacks know what I’m talking about. They know, throw it up here let me just show em. 

Moby and The Japs

But I give him the credit he has the balls. Fuckin’ balls that’s all it takes in this world. Like, look at these jack acts. This madam butterfly, wap (?) using little motherfucker, I mean I go into a bank, the name of my bank is Hmmm Hm Hm, they’re taking over. Didn’t we drop two bombs on them years ago? What was in those bombs, fucking fertilizer? And they’re the worst drivers, I mean how do you drive with your eyes ¾ closed. You could blindfold these people with fucking dental floss, you don’t give them keys to a car. You don’t put your money in their fucking bank. You kick them out of the fucking country  

Doctors and Nurses

You don’t let shit like this happen. I try to stay cool. You know what I mean, I don’t know man, maybe it’s me. I just don’t get it. I’m having a hard time with people lately, I’m even seeing one of these psychopaths. I went in, I said, doc I’m having a hard time making friends you cocksucker. Can you give me some advice? So he sends me for a physical, right, let me tell you something, doctors know nothing about the body, it’s unbelievable. Number one I come walking in, the nurse comes over, gives me a cup of urine, you take cream and sugar with that honey? Maybe a donut on the side? So now she sends me into the doctor, he’s checking me out. I think everything’s alright. Just as I”m getting dressed the guy jammed a finger up my ass. This man goes to school for 35 years to learn about the body, you don’t jam your finger up someone’s ass. Aim and. Tickle it. Get me excited about the project. Then he starts juggling my keelsons like he’s looking for ripe tomatoes, so I’m going doc back off this ain’t no fuckign social call. So you know what this fucking nitwit tell me?

Smokin’ 

He says you need to cut down smoking, so I’m like okay, but did you have to stick your hand up my ass to find this out, number one I’m smoking 15 years, my lungs don’t bother me. Smoking doesn’t bother me. I’m telling ya I job five miles a day. And smoke. I smoke when I’m banging a chick. Sometimes they get a little pissed, the ashtray slips off their ass every now and then, so you give them a little sizzle, and then it’s honey. Move that fucking thing honey. You want me to call again. But wherever you go, people, I’m out with the pig a few weeks ago. She goes, you know you really shouldn’t smoke, it’s a dirty habit. So is wiping my ass but nobody is banning that. You go into a movie theatre the minute you sit down, big sign, no smoking. That’s when I get up. And there is always that one couple a few seats away. Oh, look at him, he’s smoking, oh yeah, and I”m jerking off too, wanna come a little closer, I’ll butter your fucking popcorn, all over the country stop cigetrrets, everywhere. Up in San Francisco the fag capital of California they pass a bill you can’t even smoke in the street, they put in jail. It offends people. But it’s okay if you want to butt slam your buddy. Yeah, slap them in the face with your dick a few times that’s not offensive. You can smoke a baloney foney but fucking a car body, what’s wrong with people? 

The Attitude

Nobody tells me what to do, not even me. Suppose to be nice to people, fuck you. Nice to be back in Philly. I like the attitude. You get into a car in Philly man, you better have an attitude, Cause the minute you pull up to a red light it’s got to stall. You know the guy next to you looks over. Did you get a fucking problem? What’s your fucking problem huh, I get out of this fucking car, stick a pipe up your ass. Those are the chicks. Cause out in the hall, that wouldn’t’ be I’m telling you. You cross a crowded street and cars won’t stop. They’re trying that here, ya know. Guy tries to stop the street, it’s like hey joey he’s trying to make it. He ain’t even halfway across the street I wanna see him fucking leg lift. There someone for the time in the street, everything is a fucking act. Excuse me, you know what fucking time it is, huh? You can’t afford a fucking watch, what do I look like big fucking bento you, go fuck yourself. Your mother’s a whole did I ever tell you that, your a prick fuck yu. Guess you don’t’ know the time hun. 

No Pity

Aw man, then you go into manhattan you got em all there. No pity. No fucking pity. Like when these panhandlers are over you know. Hey man, you got some spare change? I only carry hundreds, you fucking smelly sleazy bum. I’m the guy who put my boat in your eye when you were asleep an hour ago. What am I giving you money for, fuck you I got a family. You got your monies, your harry cricketer, would you like to buy a pencil, yeah and I’m sharpen in your fucking asshole. What do I need a pencil for, I’m waiting on a fucking bus. Give me a dollar. 

The Golden Age of Television

Bingo. Move away from here. California, now that’s what you want to be, so they loaded up that hunk of shit they call trunk and moved to Beverly Hills. Swimming pools, movies, dykes, faggots, hookers, mass murder, drug addicts, earthquakes, a great place to bring up a family huh, The old tv shows I really love. Like I dream of. No, she wasn’t a whole. But this major Nelson, he was a putz. I mean he fines this fucking chick, she walks around the house her tits are hanging out. And if you get real close to the tv as I do, you can see the bush. Oh, she had a hair bud that would knock your aunt Connery’s hair off. She’s not one of those women today that wax it. Designer pussy that’s in today. I want to wax, I want something that I can plant tomatoes in the summer and water this shit. He’s on tv, no you don’t do anything, give it to me just one. For an hour, I’d be like okay genie, you want to do something. Okay, I want you to make your tongue about six feet long. And lick the back of my balls from the other side of the room. All your worth. 

Speedin’

It’s unbelievable man people and then the cops I’m driving down here tonight, right, this guy pulse me over, me! He comes over to the car, I clocked you at 70, I know snapper, I would have hit 90 but you stopped me. He goes are you drunk, I go yeah, a little horny too, wanna suck my dick. So now he’s telling me to get out of the car and walk the white line, and “m like number one the yellow lines I don’t walk without a net, that’s just the way I am. Cops, man, you need a copy today you don’t call 911, you call Dunkin donuts. Tha’s where they cause let’s face that’s where times really happen. People are walking in with machine guns, okay order glazed, in a fucking box, the machines too, let’s move, so by the time these fucking cops even catch up to you, eh’s got powder on his face he’s got fudge on his fucking fingernails, the handcuffs are slipping out of his fuckign hand. I’m like hey lemme put em on, go clean yourself up, are you a copro ac circus act? 

Couples in Love

You know I was, I was just going to do something. No, no-no. shut your mouth, honey. I got a game we can play. It’s called Pinocchio, you sit on my face and I tell lies. I was going to put the mic back in the stand, but because of this group, because of the way I feel. I’m going to work with the mic off the stand. I knew you’d appreciate it. This way I can get to meet a few of you. It’s always nice to meet couples in love. YOu are in love with her aren’t you pal? You see isn’t she sweet. I’m sure her pop would be pleased with that. What’s your name, any idea? I asked you a question. Carol? The first time you nailed her? Just a quick question, was she any good? Was she any good? She was good. She was good. Let me ask you another question about your sweet little angel, how do you think she got to be that way? You want to answer that carol, what you don’t think I see the stretch marks around your mouth. The bottom line you suck a good dick yes or no, Can see suck a dick and lay back with a beer, to me that’s a lady. Cause today they don’t suck dick the way they used to. They dabble in it. Oh, look at the way it jumps. It sings and dances to let suck it, honey. And if they do you the favor do they even complete the job, they’re like, well I don’t want that stuff to come out. Wells at are you expecting a tuna on rye honey? That’s why when I start, I put a little crazy glue around the rim, consider the job done, it has its drawbacks, you walk into work Monday, you got some chick swinging from your dick but it’s a beautiful thing right. You’re friend comes over at work, hey dice you have a good weekend, hey carol. Finished up already puddy lips. And how you gusy doing, you got a good relationship going? you’re doing fucking great. I see you what I’m dealing with you pal. You got the attitude it’s okay.

When I was Young

The attitude’s okay. You hear me, it’s okay. The second I was born the doctor smacked me in the ass and I looked t him and go doc, you got a fucking problem? And then you know what they do the second you’re born? They throw you in the nursery with like 30 40 kids you’ve never seen before in your life. So I”m sitting there, bored out of my mind, so I ask this one kid, I go putz, you got a light for me? Kids laying there, taking a  dump in his diaper, drolling, so I’m saying this kid ain’t’ go no fucking glass. I put on my leather, waiting for some fucking service. Goes a plastic nipple in my mouth. I look at her sweetheart, who ya teasing, pick up the dress, we’re gonna mow the lawn today. Don’t ever tease me like that. Even in school k 12 noon, when you’re in kindergarten the teacher comes over, tries to dominate your life. Drink your milk. I rip open her blouse. I say, honey. I like it from the tap. Yeah, teachers man. They expect you to know the answers to them. I used to love that shit. It’s like on time I’m doing the old muffle shuffle on my piss pump right? I ain’t bothering nobody. Stick. The teacher starts breaking my balls. She’s like Dice, what’s the difference between two eggs and three eggs? I’m like that’s what I say, what the fucking difference, what do I get a new car if I guess the answer? I just went out. I got a new 88 caddy with all the options. My first option was to not make any fucking payments on it. Ya see what I’m saying to you. People have no fucking brains.

Shampoo

People have no fucking brains, like in shampoos, you go into every fucking store, they got every kind of shampoo for your head. Not one thing for the genitals, when his head and shoulders are going to wake up. I mean think of the commercials, they’d make a killing. First part of the commericial you see this chick talking with a friend “You know I went out with him last week, but you know, his balls are flakey,” then you see the guy int eh shower, he’s scrubbing them, they’lre like glowing int he fucking dark alright, now she’s all smiling, she’s licking his ass, his balls, she’s like “Gee you’re balls smell terrific,” for me taht would work. 

Joey

But women aren’t all head and shoulder, and they probably don’t know much about the penis. You know honey, I knew it was hot and sunny before I even got out of bed today. Ask me hon, ask me why. WHy. because my balls were hanging low. ELts’ say they’re really tight, we’re talking rainstorm. Half mask, cloudy with a chance of a shower, that’s right honey the penis thinks for itself, it has its own brain, why do you think the head is bigger than the rest. I could prove it has a mind of its own. You ever get up in the morning, and it’s already awake? He’s dressed, he’s ready to go. He’s int he kitchen making fucking flapjack, you’re in bed going, c’mon joey, five more minutes. The penis is going to take me shopping. I need a new hat. But you remember when we first came out with hard-on. Third first grade, you lean over like the hunchback of Notre Dame, the teacher calls you up to the board and you’re like haha I don’t think so honey. You’re the teacher, you figure it out, I got some kind of ligament over here, I don’t know what’s going on. This thing is like alien drilling into the desk next to me. Call a cop. Maybe I’ll throw a donut around. But you grow up you learn to accept the hardon, execute the pee hard on that’s god joke. You get up late to work, you gotta take squirt and joey admiring the canderle. You gotta stand there like a mono and talk him down. C’mon joey I dig you we gotta dot i’s and cross t’s later, work with me. Yeah, the morning is hard on, I’ll put that up against the ginzo knife. Little slice little dice, it’ll pump your car up if you got a  flat tire. See what I’m saying cow? 

The Bait

So you think you’re gonna marry her. I don’t. Not if you really care for her. Ya don’t marry her. Ya don’t move in with me. Don’t even act like you like me. Don’t you know that? Everything changes when you marry me. Cause when you’re dating em here, ya dating her. WHose dating? Huh. He’ll tell ya when ya dating, they’re banging the shit out of you, cause that’s the thing, but once they get ya. They forget about sex unless it’s with a friend of yours. OH yeah, I know what it’s like, I’ve been there. You’re sitting there in the house, so he’s doing a little vacuuming. Little black panties creeping up her ass, So you go over gently sticking your head up her ass. All of sudden she’s shoddy too, what are you doing why are you doing that. I figured I’d fuck you. Fuck. It’s too hot. Oh, I gotta build you an igloo and once you get them in bed, you gotta hear shit like, oh why do you have to make love from me behind, don’t you like to look at my face when you make love with me. I don’t know your face, your ass, what’s the difference? I can stick my dick in either one, just get it done. They don’t’ appreciating anything. All the times ya banged her, she ever said thank you. No. what’s coming to me. I don’t know about you but I try to give them a show. I pull their hair. Wrap in the head a few times, kick their ass. Say all the little things they want to hear, like fufk pig. Howl skank I mean turno n words, I mean when you really think, when you got her legs pinned by her earlobes like bugs bunny, that she wants to hear I love you you figure the rest out. 

Masturbation

But that’s why masturbation is so beautiful. Man, I’m spanking it since I’ve been five. I didn’t even know why I was doing it, just knew it needed to get done. Then I when I hit 13 and a little goo came out, I thought I broke the fucking thing. Man, I screwed everything in the house when I was a kid. Socks, gloves, my mother has a mink coat that doesn’t need a  hanger anymore. I remember my mother going, we’re having liver tonight, thinking yeah I had it last night ma. Oh, it was good. Jello wasn’t bad either. And don’t think they don’t do it, they don’t use fancy fingers, we’re talking machinery, black and decker, they come home from the neighborhood store, they got one of these, “Oh it’s only a massager” oh really? I never saw a massager that could blow a hole through a steel wall. And they come in speeds, slow medium and blow my brains out. And then men wonder, while women are with the 3-inch killer why huhu you got to be kidding. You got to look at this thing I can drop () on this. Now put that away before you get hurt. 

Hoggin

I don’t even go with the good looking ones no more. Too much disease out there, ya know what I’m saying? When I look for a girl I look for something a little more unique, I go into a bar, the aisle pops. Man, she gets. Old enough to fucking David. Maybe three-four hundred and fifty pounds. Type of chick that looks like she doesn’t even have any legs. Celluloid dripping off the ears. Three chins in the back of her head. ANd I”m standing there saying to myself, nobody eleven thought of fucking that. Nobody’s even talked to it. I’m gonna make her mine. So I go over and I start charming her. Is ay shit like, hey how are you doing honey? And guess what. I got fudge. Hershey chocolate kisses. We’re talking Haggin dass babe. So by now, she’s drooling. What do I do, now I wheel her back to my apartment. I got to butter her hips just to get her through the fucking door. This chick used to come to me every three weeks. I just dropped thirty pounds, yeah from your belly to your ass honey. I mean anyone could bang a good looking chick, you ever bang a big fat pig, it’s like taking a ride. There’s nothing like hogging, you guys know that. AH man, number one you get behind them you have to strap yourself in, because they. And then you grab on to a set of tit, and you don’t know where the tits begin the belt ends. It’s like one big lop of shit ya know. And she starts swinging from side to side, the celluloid is flapping off the fucking walls, you’re dodging for your life ya know. And you just jam it in, but you don’t even give a shit where it goes, you’re just jamming it in. You know you’re that fat when you’re doing 69 and you can’t even hear the radio. I’ll tell ya. I gotta a snorkel hanging out of this chick’s ass, and with the positions today you got to bend em, fold em, strength em, you gotta be fucking Gumbi to make love. And women, they got contraception, they got everything. You can fuck me, and take a shave at the same time. I’m like honey you mind if I use a little I”m gonna moose today. Everything they got in there, you, coils, slinky, tar batteries, I don’t know whether to fuck her or change the oil. 

No Guilt

You see that’s why I stick to the one night stand, does anyone here have a one night stand beside everyone in the room? Here’s my impression of a one night stand, ugh! Get out. It hurts when a woman does that to me, I’m a guy like that. There are just no morals. Like I picked up this chick the other week.Get her back to my place, five minutes she screams, fuck me silly. Put on a clown suit, I mean what would you do. I felt retarded. I met a chick last night, she said give me 12 inches and hurt me. I fucked her twice and hit her in the head with a brick. Oh, women get pissed off about the one night stand, you’ll hear them say, why is it that a guy can go out a duck a hundred chicks but if a girl does it she’s a whore, right. There’s a reason for it, guys have no guilt, oh women try, they come out of the house with the fuck-me pumps, nylon stockings makeup. They come out of the house oh yeah, someone is going to treat me like the pig that I am. Buy the minute it’s all over they get guilty about it you know, it’s like these chicks you meant in a bar, by 9 pm you’re doing shit to them that you wouldn’t do to a farm animal. Come morning, they’re like, well you know, I only needed… well you go the bonus plan, and then they’re like, call me. Yeah, I’ll call you, whore trash bumkin, get the fuck out of there. I’m starting to feel like I used to, I’m going to confirm honey, my wife is going to be home any minute now, don’t call here anymore. Don’t think I’m putting women down, I dig ’em. What? (Audience) I can’t. You know how I am. It’s like this chick is sucking my dick, and she’s like don’t come on my face I go, honey, I don’t want to fuck up your hair, we’re in a nice restaurant. 

Emo Philips – Live from the Hasty Pudding Theatre Transcribed

Finding the Microphone

(Music) 

Duck-Billed Platitudes

Oh the weirdest thing happened. I was walking down the street, and said to myself, my my, that’s Jimmy Peterson, I haven’t seen him since third grade. I went up to him and I slapped him on the back and said how’s it going you old Moron, you drunked retrograde and I knocked him down and he started screaming and I realized wait for a second, if that’s Jimmy Peterson, he would have grown up too. Oh boy. 

College: The Best 6 Weeks of My Life

Imagine me within a stone’s throw away I was walking here this guy gave me a pamphlet. It says, by the time you have finished reading this, another person in the world will have died, so I stopped reading right then. I’m not gonna kill someone, just to, finish a sentence, ya know? I sense, a rising anti-intellectualism in this country, don’t you? The other day I was hanging floss out on the line to dry, this guy comes to our house, says, I’d like to read to your gas meter, I said, whatever happened to the classics? Not a thing alike better than sitting in front of a roaring fireplace with a copy of War and Peace, you know a big fat book like that will feed a fire for two hours. Yeah, I had an argument with my father, I argued that Plato was the father of philosophy. My dad takes the opposite position that I should wax the kitchen floor. I said well, the kitchen floor doesn’t exist. At least not in the permeating sense, that the concept of the floor. You think the concept your skull exists, I said yes. Then he surprised me by juxtaposing the two concepts. He’s A  kidder. I remember when I wanted to go to college, I said, I once day, I said dad, can I have a 100000 for college, he said, ask your mother. I went to my mother she said ask your father. I went back to dad, he said ask your mother, I ran back to my mother and hit my head on the coffee table. My mom shouts to my dad, fifteen love my service again. There are kidders. My father said, okay, I’ll arm, wrestle you for the money. I figure okay, even though he’s an ex-boxer. So we start to wrestle and he’s winning in fact he’s toying with me. Then I remember he had a plastic joint installed in his elbow, so I kind of move the candle close to it. And uh. Yeah. I left for college that September, my dad said I’m going to miss you. I said well, now that I broke that sight off your rifle. Yeah.  My parents threw quite a going away party, accordion to the letter. I was in the ROTC program. I had a vision of being one day on the front line with my bayonet poised ready to defend our country with the first preemptive nuclear strike, I’ve got it, I’ve got it. I used to ditch all the time, once while I was walking through campus, and my instructor grabs me, he says Emo, it’s been six weeks since I’ve seen you in camouflage, I said, I’m getting good. He said give me ten laps, I said, lick yourself clean. 

Poetry and Scuba Diving

I don’t have to tell you, folks, about scuba diving. So, that’ll save some time. But you know, probably the weirdest experience in the world is the first time you breathe underwater, without your brother’s foot on your head. Once in a pool my brother put his foot on my head, and said, please pour hot, please poor in the pot five days old, and he lifted me up and said you almost drowned me, and he said it’s called poetry, and I said okay, and put my pen in the said the odyssey by homer, anyway he’s okay now, but that experience gave to me an interest in poetry. And I’d like to do a poem now, this is a little bit about how I feel like an American. It’s called. Most States. (pain) most states, do not end with the letter A, The only ones that do are, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Arizona, California, Nevada, Alaska, Montana, Nebraska, South Dakota, North Dakota, Minnesota, Iowa, Indian, Pennslyvania, North Carolina, South Carolina, West Virginia, East Virginia, and um, Missouri.

Why I am Quite Handy with the Ladies

Lot of hot mamas here in Boston. You know who you are. I was a girl watching the other day, hey ladies look your slip is showing, they’d look down and see me in the manhole. Yeah. I had a girlfriend. I remember the first day we met, I was waiting for my friend to show up at the tennis court, and I saw this girl waiting for her friend, I thought time to pour on the charm< i said how’s it going, we shall see little whore of Babylon. She walks over, and says, want to double up, so she kicks me in the groin. It was great. I thought I’d never see her again, then one day I’m walking along the beach. And I see this girl out in the water, waving, and there is no one else around so I swim out here, and I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be, you know thanks to evolution. And, I get out there, she said, I have cramps, I said well thanks for leading me on. She says, save me. I said I will if you go out with me. And she thinks for a minute. And says, okay. Hah. Quite handy with the ladies. That night we’re at the movie theater, and there’s this really ugly slimy pervert, besides me. Besides me. He says if this seat is saved if the aquatint reasoned that even animals have souls, how much less chance does an inanimate object like a chair have of gaining salvation. He says I mean is there anyone sitting here, ambiguity. The devils’ volleyball. Anyway, he puts his head on my knee and starts moving it, slowing up and down my leg. I thought the jokes on him. It’s asleep. Anyway, I’m driving my girlfriend home and I thought why don’t I try that. And I put my hand in her hand, and I started squeezing faster, faster. I had a rubber glove I was safe. And we came to a dark secluded spot, and we both got into the back seat, and the car sped out of control. Well. I noticed a chill in our relationship after that, I kept trying though I bought her a very nice ring, she said I don’t like this ring, I said you picked it out, it’s not my fault you can’t operate the little crane better. Anyway, I said, what do you want? She said I don’t know, surprise me, just get me something crazy and expensive I won’t even need. So I signed her up for radiation treatment. Well, she broke up with me a few months later, a few months later I ran into her at a mulching seminary. She invited me to go to her wedding the following Saturday, well while I’m at the wedding I remember I was missing the world series, and I love baseball. When I was the kid I was the catcher, which I loved. Until one day I saw a game on television. I said hold on there now, why does that catch no have his hands tied to his ankles. They’re kidders. Anyway, I’m at the wedding and I’m listening to the ball game on my walkman, which i found for my free, on a busy street next to this dead roller skater, and just  as the minister says, if anyone has a reason why this couple shouldn’t be joined speak now or forever hold your peace, the pitcher let in another run, and forgetting where I was I yelled: “Darn it ya loser how many of these sticking bums you gonna let score!” Well. I thought there’s only one way to redeem myself, to make a big fat pot of coleslaw for the reception so I’m at home chopping the cabbage and this mouse runs across the countertop and I accidentally decapitated him and I couldn’t find the head anywhere, that night at the reception everyone is saying this is the best coleslaw we ever had, and the bride’s mother she reaches into her mouth and pulls out the head of the Roden thinking quickly I say, we have a winner! People are picky about coleslaw, I don’t blame her, I made my grandmother some coleslaw, I guess I didn’t chop the pieces up fine enough. Cause it clogs her ivs. Anyway, the hostess, the bride’s mother, says emo makes you comfortable, so I pulled down my pants and sat in the pudding. She said you didn’t leave a very good impression. Looks symmetrical to me, anyway. We start to dance, I’m tearing up the dance floor, you know because I have a nail in my heel. And I’m dancing with the bride’s mother, and she dies. But then everyone starts to die, and I thought what is this? And someone says bad coleslaw, and I run to the coleslaw and there are dead bodies all around it, and a voice from the cole says, emo, I command you to eat me. I thought this coleslaw this coleslaw is possessed by belle bubba the cabbage demon, is aid behind me, an evil side order of Lucifer, and he says eat me, I say no, he says eat me and finally I can’t help it, I pledge my head into the coleslaw and I’m eating and eating and I bite into this tape recorder, and everyone rising up on the floor laughing, I always fall for that trick. 

The Perils of Inbreeding

I’d love to have children. My nephew had a birthday when I was babysitting, did some magic tricks for the kids, took his dog, and twisted him into a balloon. And I said okay, blow out the candles, on the coleslaw, he said I wanna make a wish, I wanna make a wish, so I grab him by the ankles and start spinning him and he goes WISH WISH. I knew what he really meant, but I thought what a good time to warn him of the dangers of homonyms. And I took him to the playground. He says, uncle emo, give me a push on the swing, he says harder, he says give me a real push  So I get about fifty feet back and I run and push him, he says give me a real push you pansy. So back up the Buick. He got out of it. 

Kafka-Doodle-Do

Who driving is not as easy as it looks. I was driving down the highway, and I was sweating wall over, I was trying to change the radio. And just as I got the old one taken out, this state trooper pulses me over. Well, I shouldn’t make fun of speech impediments. He says, can I see your license. So I hand him my wallet, will you please remove it front eh wallet. Sure enough, the snake pops up in my face. He says, walks a straight line. So I do. Does he say you call that a straight line? Now you can never think of a clever reply until after the guy is gone, I mean, I wished I had said, yeah. But I was nervous and all I could think of to say was well officer Pythagoras, you could never come to making a straight line is making a decigram of your own brain waves. I said, officer. I’m taking my mom to the hospital she od’d on reducing pills. He said I don’t see any woman with you. I said I’m too late. He said, you’re under arrest, you have the right to remain silent, do you wish to retain that, I thought of a paradox. And he takes me to the police station, they said, you get one phone call so I call my house my sister answers. I say hi, I need a thousand dollars for bail. They said where are they going to get that kind of money this time of night. I said I don’t know if the naval base is still open? And she hangs up the phone. Anyway. They put in this cell, and I was scared. I have never been locked up before without my family. And there’s a real big tough guy in the cell, and he lights up a cigarette. I don’t care how big someone is when it comes to my health, I think of my body as a temple, or at least as a relatively well managed presbyterian youth center, anyway. I said please put that out. He says no. So I flicked it out of his name. He says pick that up. I said no, he said I’m gonna mop the floor with your face. I said, you do and you’ll be sorry, I said, well you won’t be able to get into the corners. And, he starts coming at me, and he starts to choke me. I prayed lord, if you rescue me I’ll go to church every Sunday the rest of my life. Just then the guard comes out that my mom has posted bail and I was free to go. I prayed, thanks anyway. Anyway, I had my trail. And I’m waiting on my attorney and it’s’ taking forever, so I start to eat lunch and the judge says, put that food away this is a court of law, and I said this in a court of law, and she calls me up, and he reads, he says, emo, I say yes, he says emo Philips, I said yes, he said your emo Philips, I said why don’t you keep adding a one each time until your brain explodes. He says, haven’t I seen you on tv, I say I don’t know you can’t see thru the over the way. Well, I plead guilty on the advice of the lawyer, which is the last time I listen to a prosecuting attorney. And the judge said, I sentenced you to a hundred hours of community work, I said like what, he said, looking at you I think you’d be very good working with the mentally disadvantaged. I said do I get credit spent here? And he gives me 200 hours. I wound up doing volunteer work for juvenile delinquents, I’d stand in the alley and warn me if the cops were coming. Plus I had to see the state psychairtrist, you like psychology? I don’t. I used to think that the human brain was the most fascinating part of the body, then I realized, look what’s telling me that. Anyway, I decide to tell this charlatan out, I said are you a Freudian or behaviorist, he said a bit of both, so I said, you like sex with electric shocks, anyway, he says, I want you to tell me the first time that pops into your brain, family, I said togetherness, he said to mother, I said love, he said America I said freedom, he said god I said mercy, he said okay, I said correal. He said, no I said yes, he said stop I said no, he said cut it out, I said Renee Richards. 

For a Fist Full of Cole Slaw

To me, a woman must have three of the five following qualities, a map for making coleslaw, her own rabbit costume, great wealth, a winning personality, and ahead. But the bunny outfit is most important. Once I was walking by this costume shop and I saw a giant bunny outfit. I said when would I wear it? He said, how about Easter? So I buy it. Well, apparently our church is more conservative than most. Coles, they drag me out and that’s not fair, I’m A  big fan of the Jedi Christian effort, I think the whole concept of monotheism was a gift from the gods. I’m very religious. Well, if by religious, you mean I go to church every Sunday, unfortunately, I’m not religious in that sense. IF by religious you mean, I love others and try to help them out whenever I can, again no. But if by religious you mean that I like coleslaw there you go. (from the audience, why do you always talk about coleslaw?) Do I? Well, I guess coleslaw to me, represents the universe. The chopped cabbage is the matter, the mayonnaise is the loving force of god that holds it together. And your the chopped mouse head on the bottom. 

Animal Square Dance

(From the audience: What’s your favorite animal?) My favorite animal, well, that sounds like a queue, if ever I heard one. (music) each time I go to the zoo I get enraged, to see all the innocent animals in cages, with our lying and war, and crying and bombing and greed, it’s we who should be locked up and the animals free. Oh, the lions and the lamb, will soon get down and then they’d be doing the animal square dance. Oh, they’d be doing the animal square dance, get down honkies, dooey do. Grab that pepper by the stock. Bow to your pattern the rhino. Everyone, drink promenade. Oh, the hips steps on a lizard. And out shots the lizards’ gizzard. And the elephant puts the mouse in a house. And the lion kills an elk, and uh, tiger kills a gazelle, and the tiger kills another gazelle, and the gazelle wise up and kills the tiger. And uh, and bighorn sheep gives the girl an exploded banana, and the mouse puts quicksand in the cat’s litter box. And the pelican puts a chameleon on white paper for six hours and drops him into a housing project, and the shrews tie a duck-billed platypus to a tree and stuff a  train down his throat.  

How Girls Can Score With Me

Well, I just want to say, thank you for listening to me. If there are any girls who are lonely, I’ll be going home tonight, to my lonely little hotel room as I watch the tube carry nourishment to my body. And I’d like to apologize in conclusion to all the guys here who are particular you know who you are, you’ll be going home tonight with little pieces of fluff, and you’ll be in an intimate moment and they’ll be screaming Emo! Emo! So please forgive me.

Richard Pyror – That Nigger’s Crazy Transcribed

Richard Pyror – That Nigger’s Crazy

I hope I’m funny
Lets get your hands together and give him a big San Francisco applause. Mr. Richard Pyror. C’mon give it up.

Thank you, good evening, hope I’m funny. Yeah, cause I’m ready to kick ass. Hello. Wow. this very exciting, glad you all came. Glad you all are coming to the show. What! Don’t start no shit now. He just started fighting shit. Niggers never know how to get into buildings, they know how to get out. They do, white folks, panic run out the door and fall all over each other. Niggers get outside, I left my money int he motherfucker. Why am I walking, I’m running to keep out y’alls way. I am over this shit making my mind work, feets, feet. You know tight shoes make a nigger say anything. You ever been like, you have tight shoes on, tight shoes on a mothefucker. They dont’ need to be on no nigger up in jail to make him confess. Give him a size too small, bout an hour that nigger will be like “i tell em” I used to be so poor I walked don’t he street. You ever do that looking at the money and pretending you ain’t. I used to lose money, so I closed it once. My mother gave me money to go pay a bill, I lost ten dollars. I know, cause my mom is gonna kick my ass. You know what I mean by ten dollars. I lost it and some dude saw me crying in the corner. What are you doing boy. I told him my story. Kept getting ten dollars. Shucks, I was out there every day crying my ass. How you are doing. Did you want a drink, uh waitress. See the waitress, but you guys have a funny order. Hey, give me a cardi and an orange and a coke on the side what you want? Bring my old lady a champagne cocktail with a cherry twist. Peace of lemon, bitch I wasnt’ through. Peace of lemon, and some turtle soup.

Nigger with a seizure
Drinking, Drinking cool. Some dudes drink and then they want to fight. Some dudes drink and then they have a seizure. You know everybody know one nigger that drink everyweek and get his ass whooped. He never wins a fight, but he always want to fight, you know nice guy during the week. “Hi, Hi, how are you?” Weekend, motherfucker, get out of my face. You go to the bar, cat be in the bar be fucked up. Leave me alone nigger, shit, show you how to fuck with me nigger, kiss me some money, mack, Say man, bartender, give me my whiskey! What! I’m drunk nigger. Fuck you mean I’m drunk motehrfucker. You crazy. Shit you didn’t say that an hour ago. You were selling me that shit. Baby, i’m buying everybody in here, something. Give me a beer, get everybody one motherfucking beer. Sing that song you bitch. That motherfucker sing her ass off. Whew. Shit. Whatcha you looking at, ugly motherfucker. Ain’t nobody fucking with you. I didn’t say nothing to you, no I don’t knwo what time it is, it’s time with you to stop fucking with me. You dig that friend. What waht is it nigger. I don’t care if that’s your mom. No nigger you don’t hit me baby, no mothercuker baby you in trouble now. Don’t nobody kick me in the ass. Blew. Blew. Oh god, pelase. Oh lord don’t let me be sick. Frankie get me home please. Oh man don’t drive so fast. Put down the window, oh please put it up it’s too cold. Oh lord, oh lord, I’ll quit I’ll quit. Everything’s going jippii zippity. Frankie, thank you partner. Mothercuekr kicked me in the ass. I’ll kill that motherfucker. Make up your mind god please. I ain’t got nothing left to throw up on but my nuts. Ha ha. Aww shit. Hey baby, open this door bitch. Open this motherfuking door bitch. Hey, hey. Good morning to you. What’s wrong with you bitch, what you screaming on me for. I been out in the street, trying to protect your honor, shit I damn near had to kill a nigger about you. If they didn’t pull me off of his ass. I know my breath stick bitch. Ai n’t nothing but some vomit. You’re a fine motherfucker baby. Come here, come here, move your hand. Let me play with your titty. Whew. hah. I’m gonna fuck you tonight. Believe that shit. Snore.

Have your ass home by 11:00
Some fucking is good for ya, getting some pussy beats having a war. I ain’t lying. Coming is a lot of fun. Cause I never got no pussy when I was a legal teenager. Not much aw wanna fuck you can’t even sign. Had to sing or something to get some pussy. Like girls used to horrible shit to a nigger, cause they weren’t giving up no pussy. Very seldom you go to any parts of the pussy, you be tongue kissing and shit, dick gets hard at times 29. Right, nuts go all up in your stomach. Ohh, you gotta give me somehow. I’m not giving anything, I’m on my period You on your period again, you gonna bleed to death bitch. Try not to get home by eleven because then we went . Say, where are you going Richard. Say huh? Nigger you aint’ ask no body to go no place .What you a man now nigger? I don’t give a fuck where you gonna be be home by 11, you understand 11 now nigger? You can tell time? The clock say nigger, what the clock say? 11 clock brings your ass here. I don’t mean down the street singing with those nigger, I ain’t getting your ass out jail no more nigger. Right, bring me back a paper. Right. Then you go out, nothing starts happening till 11:30, what you are waiting on, 11:30. You’re gonna get some bitches at 11:30, I have to get home with my blue nuts. Nigger I thought I told you to be home by 11. I don’t wanna hear that shit. I’m kicking your ass. Can I jack off first?

Black and white life styles
My uncles, my family only fucking one of us. Up and down. Now I go boy don’t you ever catch no pussy. I mean that. Wherever you do in life, don’t kiss no pussy. I couldn’t wait to kiss no pussy. He’d been wrong about everything else. Woman had to beat me off, it’s enough it’s enough, two days. And dudes, huh? Crazy! Yeah. You ever be with a woman that you wanted to be with for a long time, and you get with her and you come in about four sections and you are panicked, try to act cool, lord, don’t let it know,just let stay heavy at my hard. You’re no moving as much as you were. I’m just resting a little. Want you to enjoy this. White folks do things a lot different than niggers do, they do things a lot quieter, “Pass the potatoes, thank yo darling, could i have a bit of that sauce how are the kids coming long with their studies, think we’re being having sexual intercourse this evening, we’re not, well what the heck,” Black families be different have more rhtyhe, my father when he ate it was fun cause he had more “Hey bitch,w erhe the food, god damn, you motherfucker, shit, shit, my ass! Gotta get that meat downt hat bone bmotherucker,” and I got an anti cause a fucker’s neck bone is a work of art. She can fuck with a neck bone, she be all in get that white shit out, throw it to the dog the dog look at her like what am i supposed to do with that mothercuking thing. Different life styles, see white folks dont’ play enough, they dont’ know how to relax, you tell a white dude, go fuck yourself, I fuck you motherfuker, then he gets very offended. I beg your pardon. I mean that supervisor here, I don’t believe that kind of language is necessary. I mean certainly we can communicate on a higher plane than that. Don’t say nothing about their mama, my mom? She was a great ol’ gal. White folks fuck quite. I saw y’all in the movies, you don’t make any noise. You go oi do do. You don’t make any noise. Nigger make noise, oh you motherfucker god damnit. Don’t’ that do now. A Lot of you people look at me, but I see a lot of you in evidence. The older member, omm mm mm. You ought to be shaming yourself boy. That’s the way my grandmother treats me.

Exorcist
Did y’all see the exorcist, it’s a story about the devil– gets into this 12 year old girl. Devil is a low motherfucker. See ehere couldn’t have been no movie if there had been niggers in it. The movie would have been about seven minutes long. Soon as the devil spoke, “hello” goodbye. See a nigger would have handled that movie differently. A nigger would have been like “What in the fuck is that funky smell? And all that racket up stairs, is the girl crazy? Smells like shit in here, some definitely shit at that” you walk in the room “bitch what’s wrong with you girl, get up out the bed and wash your ass. Stink up the whole motherfucking house, and get the cross out ya pussy” Get downstairs and straiging up the front room, we have company. See I get a black preacher to pray the exorcist away, cause they are tight with god. You know god, there’s a person here, that’s possessed. And we wondering, we know your busy, checked your scheduled, and if you don’t mind, the devil just acting a mother fucking fool, could you exercise this motherfucker to Cleveland some place?

Wino dealing with Dracula
Winos deals with it though. Winos never gets afraid of nothing, cept running out of wine. That’s the only thing that panicked the wino, wino could deal with Dracula. “Hey man, you nigger with the cape! What are you doing peeking in those people’s windows? What is your name, boy? Dracula! What kind of name is that for a nigger? Where are you from? Transylvania. I know where it nigger. You ain’t the smartest motherfucker in the world, even though you are the ugliest. Oh yea you ugly motherfucker. Why don’t you get your teeth fixed? That shit hanging all out your mouth, Why don’t you get you an orthodontist, that’s a dentist you know haha. It’s 1975, get your shit together, what wrong with your nature. Get that dirt all on the back of your neck, you’re a filthy little motherfucker too. You got to be home before the sun came up, you ain’t a lying motherfucker. See your ass on the day you ought to be arrested. You wanna suck what? Suck some, nigger you crazy, you some kind of freak flyer, you ain’t sucking nothing here, nigger. Suck your ass on away from here, is what you better do. Wanna suck some blood go down to the blood bank, hope you get sickle cell”

Flying Saucers
Lotta niggers ain’t scared. Loke when the martians landed, white folks got scared. God I tell you, just a big old helicopter thing people got on it, and their odies big old claw hands and shit, jesus christ. Nothing can scare a nigger, after 400 years of this shit, I mean right that emartian ain’t got a chance, a nigger warn a martian, better get you ass away from ron here. You don’t land on Mr. Gilmore’s property. If he land in new york, a nigger take his shit from him. Give up, you got to give up your plans, cause I’m a macaroni, you know what I mean, he is a cruiser, he is cruising. Aw yeah, it’s sweat, how much is petro oil, 82 million a gallon fuck this machine.

The Back Down
All well would fight the police he’s one of those crazy shoot me niggers. Well kill me! Shoot me motherfucker. Bam. Oh god damn. Somebody call me a cab, I ain’t’ gonna bleed to death waiting on no ambulance. Ain’t no way to get an ambulance in the ghetto, unless you call up, there’s five niggers killing a white woman. Where? Police man fuck with all that shit. Hey Mr. Arson, you know who your fucking with?I’m aware, six foot five, four hundred twenty pounds of mean. While you hit me with that stick I’m gonna bite your dick. Leave some blood,s hit. Shit, I aint’ bullshitting. I got some fight niggers. Fight then argue. What. Some dudes would talk to you why they kick you ass, why you fuck with me man, shit. Come out and get this nigger of of me. I– I didn’t know the nigger was blind. You get you a dog or something nigger, steppig on people feet and shit nigger. I used to try and fight and shit, I know how to back down. I had a lot of practice in Peoria. I was in every gang, they had about five. Whichever one was winning. That’s my side. I wasn’t fighting shit. Nigger made me unball my fist once to show you how scared I was. I had my fist up ready, motherfucker put your hand down. No heart for the fighting, believe me. Cause mothefucker made you back down so embarrassing, once was enough for me. Cause I was gonna be bad for about four weeks, hanging with my friend matt. Matt was bad, knocking motherfuckers out. Bing bing, go on now, he was killer, hendry hanson, would knock a motherfucker through a brick wall. Matt backed off. Then I stood there all alone> man, what you got to do with a little nigger. I ain’t doing anything, gonna play some basketball, gonna go now. Men And women fight a lot. White men and white women seldom ever have fist fights, intelligence hurting each other. White women say funny shit to a man, your dick is short and you can’t even screw. White dude, we’ll discuss it tomorrow. You say that shit to a nigger you got a fight. I remember my mother caught me fighting once, not my mother james. Get that shit out of here. Nigger, what that, that right! It’s my mama, it’s my woman motherfucker.

Black Man/ White woman
Don’t ever marry a white woman in California. A lot of you sister, don’t marry a white woman anyway nigger. Why should you be happy? Sisters look at you like you killed your mama when you’re out with a white woman. You can’t laugh that shit of either. She’s not with me. My wife went to court, she looked like she was 12 year olds. Your honor everything happened. Nigga we want everything. Do you have any dreams we want them too?

Niggers vs. The police
Cops put a hurting on your ass you know, they really do. White folks don’t believe, don’t believe they degrade you. Those people were resisting arrest. I’m tired of this harassment of police officers, because the police live in your neighborhood see, and you know them as office timson, hello office timeson, you going bowling tonight? Yes nice pinto you have. Ha ha. Niggers don’t know them like that. Niggers get a ticket it be like, Hey office yes, nice ot be of help hey. Nigger got to be like “ I AM REACHING INTO MY POCKET FOR MY LICENSE” CAUSE I DON”T WANT OT BE NO MOTHERFUCKING ACCIDENT” Police degrading, I don’t know, it’s often you wonder why a nigger don’t go completely mad. Now you do, you get your shit together, you work all week, then you get dressed make 125 dollars, we get 80 dollars and if we lucky we praying he go while get clean driving with his girl to to the club, the police come over “get out of the car there’s been a robbery nigger looked just like you! Put your hands up, take your pants off spread your cheeks, now what nigger feel liek having fun after that. No lets just go home baby. Go home beat your kids and shit. Take that shit out on somebody.

Wino and Junkie
Winos don’t get drunk like everybody else though, right. Wino be directing traffic on sunday morning. I didn’t want to go to church so I’d hang with em. Wino be standing there “Hey fool you gonna slow that car down! Don’t they come driving down here like you crazy. This is a neighborhood this ain’t a residential district.” (singing) Yeah Nigger I know jesus, I remember when he got kilt. It was a Friday, down at the Ray Romano depo. I tried to warn a nigger. I say, boy don’t you go down there fucking with those jesus without no money. Hey ice cream boy, you wanna turn that goddamn noise. Don’t nobody wanna hear that shit this time of morning. Well then jump on out there you barely got some for you eye, I’m a veteran boy, world war one, the battle of the Chateau gastron. I got mustard gas all over my body. Who’s that boy? Whose that nigger, look at them, in the middle of the street, laying there. Nigger used to be a genius. I ain’t lyin book to numbers, didn’t need a book or pencil. Now the nigger can’t remember who is he is. Say nigger get your ass out the street boy. Move out the way boy. Ah. What’s happening. What’s happening. Shit I know something happened. Cause everything is moving. Hey! C’mon old motherfucker. Dust your ass off. Hey paps, you got anything on due. Yeah nigger I got something for your eye, got some sdice. Better lay off that necrotic nigger that stuff made you null and void. I ain’t lying, what’s wrong with you, straighten up and get a job. Get a job! Motherfuker you talking to the king baby. Shit. I went five years in a row when I was in the giant. Pressing those mothefucking license plates. I have a license plate pressing mothefucker too. Where a nigger gonna get a job out here pressing license plates. Pop, listen to me. Don’t hit me no more boy, I’ll dust your ass home. Shame to see you like. Shame to see me? Niggers fucking with me. Was I finished? I went to the unemployment bureau. Bitch sitting behind the desk, say you have a criminal record, I know that bitch, I’m a criminal, just tell me where I’m gonna get a job. I see better faces on iodine bottles. Bitch made me mad. I vomit and shit on the floor. I did man, I made that nigger with the pencil clean it up. I said fuck you nigger I ain’t cleaning that shit up. You say if you don’t clean it up then I’ll shoot your ass. I say well who gonna clean up the blood nigger. Haha. Then I said, I was cleaning. Nigger you wouldn’t know a fine woman if you tripped over ya. This bitch was fine. Bitch was so fine I wanted to suck her daddy’s dick. Is that fine enough for your ass. Man. I went home, my dear called me a dog. You dig that. My father said he didn’t want to see me in the vicinity, just because I stole his television.That’s the politics baby. I’m sick pa, can you help, my mind singing about shit I don’t want to think about. I can’t stop that mothefucker. Tell me some of those old lies that made me think about the truth. Can ya help. Yeah Imma help ya boy. Cause I believe ya go potential. You don’t know how to deal with the white man that’s your problem. I know how to deal with him, that’s right that’s why I’m in the position I’m in today. Thank you very much, goodnight.