Todd Barry – From Heaven

Todd Barry – From Heaven

Working With Me

Todd Barry about to happen. Comedy studio. Ladies and gentle, please welcome to the comedy studio, Todd Barry. Heheh, thank you. Let’s hear it for all the comedians that went on before me, shall we? Must be exciting for those young comics to work with me, it is, not be an asshole or anything, semi-famous, somewhat borderline respected. They get to talk in that yellow Cambridge café, hey man, you get to work with Todd Barry, that’s so cool. And it’s exciting for me as well, no it is. I got back to New York and talked to my comedian friends. They’re like, who you work with in Cambridge, some local dicks I don’t know. Just throw some people up there, I don’t have time to deal with that. You know what I mean Chris Rock. Then I high five Chris Rock. Non Stop high fiving between me and Chris Rock. That’s the bulk of my day, in New York, high fiving Chris Rock. He never gets tired of it. He’s like, Todd I’m more successful than you, but I still have a lot of time to high five you. I know you do. You can tell I’ve never really high fived. It doesn’t make that noise. Hey let’s dive into my act shall we? 

Leaking, Looking for an apartment, Fried Looking for an apartment

I live in New York city, I had a leak in my apartment, there was some brown liquid pouring out of my ceiling. I called a plumber, I was like hey what is that. He was like don’t worry it’s not shit water. Oh. thank you. For putting that into layman’s terms. Cause it’s been a while since I’ve been to vocational school. I didn’t quite know how to put it, but you nailed the essence of what I was worried about, that it might be shit water, but it’s not, it’s just a mysterious brown liquid, pouring from a light bulb. Form my upstairs negither’s bathroom, if it happens again I still might get eletrocquie, but I will not get old Jeremy. Cause as we have established, but it is not a shit invested water. I was looking for a new apartment. I went to a realtor. He was telling me about this place. He was gonna show me this place. I’m goin to show you it is great. It’s right across from Sarah Jessica Parker’s townhouse. Oh. that is very convince. Or all my Sarah Jessica Parker needs. Finally she and I can work out our differences, without having it spring for taxi fare. Woman I know was looking of a place to live, a roommate situation, she found a listing online it said “female roommate wanted must not be homophobic” she goes there meets a guy, it’s a one room apartment, two beds right next to each other, she talks to him finds out he’s a male prostitute. I just love that that was his screening question. Are you homophobic no that’s good. Cause I do have sex for money all day long, two inches from where you sleep. Hey do you have a problem with small pet,s no that’s good, cause I use they kitchen as a cock fighting ring. 

Guy who needs help, Been to NYC?, Driving with friend

I was in a taxi in New York, there was a guy giving directors to the car, he was like “hey man get over here quickly, i could use a little help in the nose department” I was like please don’t tell me that was your secret code for bring cocaine, i could use a little help in the nose department. The eagle has not landed yet, and when he does I hope he has something in his little claws from the nose department. I could also use a little help from the there ain’t’ quite enough heroine in my veins department. While I got you on the line, I could use a little assistant. My computer hard drive could hold another gigabyte of pictures of the young boy department. I could do that joke with any crime. Mail fraud you got it! I could use a little help in that I want to make my own stamps at home, using just crayons and construction paper, department. That’s it. I can do a mail fraud joke people. Like no one’s business. I was out of town and I asked this woman I met if she’d ever been to New York City. She said oh yeah I drove through there once. Oh. Where are you headed where the directions include, drive through New York city. Alright you’re going to come to a fork in the road, you don’t want to go right because that’s a major highway, go straight three miles an hour, through the most congested city in the country, and promise you won’t pull over because there is nothing going on there. Who approaches New York City for the first time and is not curious enough to pull over, whose like oh my god what do we have here, kind of a different vibe here. Should we pull over and walk around, no, New Hampshire awaits. I was in a car with a friend of mine. I had never been in a car with him before. I looked over. He’s not wearing his seat belt. I was like hey man why don’t you put that on, he was like you know Todd I’m not really a seatbelt guy. Oh I’m sorry I didn’t mean to shove my quirky taste down your throat. I don’t really enjoy sushi, you don’t enjoy reducing the chance of  crushing your head through a windshield. Different strokes. That was a little preachy and heavy handed, I apologize. 

Preachy Singer, English washer, Alabama, pittsburgh

I was at a bar in Los Angeles, listening to a singer, and after one of her songs she goes “you know I keep getting parking tickets, After I get a [parking ticket i go, god i just hope they give this money to the homeless. Yeah I guess they could or you could learn how to read no parking sign, pretend you got the cricket anyway and write a check directly to the homeless. There is no connection between the homeless problem and your shitty parking. I’ve been touring all over, I went to England, I did, they have these great things in England, these washer dryer combos, one unit it’s great. Throw the clothes in, push a few buttons four and half hours later you got a nice laid of soaking wet clothes, that probably aren’t even clean. I was all excited to work in London, after every show someone came up to my show “we sure did enjoy you, we’re visiting from south Carolina” nice. I tour the south though I do, i love touring the south. Some people up north are afraid of the south. I’ll tell someone I did a show in Albania, they’ll be like oh my god, what was that, like, you know, a chair microphone. I’m sorry I know what you’re looking for. I’ll tell you what it was like. Well I flew into Birmingham, the imperial wizard from the clan picked me up from the airport, rode to the club on the back of an old mule. Tried to get a joke out over the shouts of Jew boy go home, at the end of the night, is said where’s my check they said you’re not getting a check, you’re getting this bag of pork reins. Was that the answer you were looking for, you narrow minded fake liberal fuck. I did a show in Pittsburg woman came up to me after the show all smiling, she was like oh my god you were so much funnier live than you are on comedy central. I just wanted to say I bet your comments are better television. Maybe you can get your own show on the new backhanded compliment network. 

Birthdays, Challenge, cambridge, Noodle Gift

Sometimes someone will come up to me before a show, and be like, “hey it’s my friends birthday, can you rag on them?” I always thought that was a ballsy request. Hey i know you had a show planned but ah, something came up. Something came up? Something important i hope, like a total strangers birthday, how’d ya guess, oh i don’t know the annoying way you approached me. And the fact that it happens 200 times a year, but I will go backstage and I’ll start writing. It’s a half hour material enough on your friends birthday, because that’s what I got on a flight to Arizona. Cause I was totally jazze3d at he possible that someone i don’t give a fuck about, that they might be celebrating that everyone else celebrates. What I’m saying is that it’s his night not mine. I did a show at a comedy club. This couple walked out after five minute. Not only did they walk out, they called the club manager while I was on stage. Oh that guy was an awful man, I wanted to challenge him comedically. But my wife held me back. Kind of made me wish they stayed, just to witness that once. Guy stands up, I challenge you comedically. The wife grabs him, NO HONEY. Not again. Remember when we went to that play? And you wanted to challenge that actor theatrically. You got your ass handed to you. You install drywall for a living honey. Stay out of show business. Remember when we went to that palace with all the different cultures, you wanted to challenge them anthropoligical. Remember when we hunt out with those philosophies and you wanted to challenge them ontologically. I don’t know what those words mean, I just looked up philosophy terms in google, and it popped right up. Yeah I did know what I means cause I’m a bright guy. That’s why Cambridge is the only city I’m comfortable performing in. I’m going to move here, and only perform at this club, and not just because it’s also a Chinese restaurant. Which is now revealed to the people at home, holy shit toddy, a Chinese restaurant, yes, it’s good for press. Todd I gotta ask here, Todd why a Chinese restaurant why not I could see it out. I can sell outa Chinese restaurant let’s record in Chinese restaurant. It’s all about selling out. I can sell out virtually any Chinese restaurant. Boy Todd, what about one in China, alright you got me on that one. The chances of me selling out a Chinese restaurant in China are astronomical. Don’t bet on me, selling out Saigon. How is the food here? I noticed they took your away and returned it. While I should have been preparing my act I noticed they uh, what was wrong with your noodles. Hmm. a gift. Oh my god. A gift of half a plate of noodles. Well happy birthday to you. It was really a gift. No time to explore that story. Must be a good friend. Not so good that they’d want to sit anywhere near you. Alright let’s kick back into it. I know she’s still laughing about it. We’ll plug her laugh into the jokes that didn’t work. I think we can do that. We’ll plug her one laugh in. 

Prairie Dog, Sweet Shop

Been to dc, Washington DC? Yeah, national capital. I went there and went to the zoo. By myself, I am attuned to seeing pandas. I followed the signs to the panda, and right before the pandas there is an exhibit of prairie dogs. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a prairie dog but they are a-dor-ably. They are staggeringly cute, they are unbelievably cute, just jaw dropping. I saw the prairie dogs, and then I saw the panda, and I was like oh that’s cool, but I kind of want to see more prairie dogs. And then realized what I must be like to be in a show where I am the opening act. It’s like I came here to see the pandas, gotta leave talking about the prairie dogs. You guys sort of got that one. That joke works about every 45 times I tell it. I love staying at hotels, I always look up the hotel before I go there, to read these traveler reviews that people write. I’m staying at a hotel in Seattle. This woman wrote this review and said that she didn’t like the hotel because the soap there smelled too sweet. I can understand going to a hotel smelling the soap going oh wow that smells a bit sweet. I don’t understand taking the next step, running over your laptop, logging on cause you want to warn other travelers, about the scary hotel with the candy scented soap. But I did email this woman because I had a hot top on a hotel in Ohio where the hand soap smelled to gingery. 

Myspace, unbelievable Question, Guy who reads email, UF

You guys on the myspace huh, I’m on the myspace why not, I’m only 43. Sometimes i get a myspace friend request it says set to private, it’s like alright, 16 year old tommy from Louisville, playing a little close to the vest. I have to approve your friend request tin order to find out that you think strawberry pop tarts totally rule. It’s’ kind of secret you can’t just share with anyone, only someone willing to invest the time to click the mouse once, before never thinking about you again. I learned a lot reading those myspace profiles, like for example i didn’t know that movie Donnie Darko was the greatest movie ever made. I mean I remember seeing it and liking it, but I don’t remember it being the absolute greatest. I have a website it’s’ got my email address on it, so I get questions from all over the country. I get unbelievable questions like dear Todd, I’m going to see your show on Friday, do you know how old you have to be to get into that club? I don’t know, do you wanna maybe call the club with that one, instead of writing directly to the artist, do you think Mick Jagger gets emails like that? Dear Mike, I’m going to see you at Madison Square Garden next week. I’m going to have leave straight from work. Not going to have time to get anything to eat, do you know how much why charge for a hot dog, also I haven; get there in a while, can you map quest me directions mcgauer from the rolling stones. Mc at rolling stones dot com, oh man just gave out McGarry real email address. He’s’ going to be in the hotel room later, Keith got over here, I just got a sudden influx of emails, from Cambridge, oh Massachusetts. How does that happen Keith, Keith I have another question why are we sharing a hotel room, we’re both billionaires, it’s curious. It’s curious Keith that we’re sharing a hotel room, when we’re billionaires, we’re not sweating it anymore Keith. Some people really appreciate my accent work, no I do accent work, like if you see a Hugh Grant movie, and he has a sore throat that day. You guys believe em like holy shit that’s a good gig. It Sounds easy enough just to drop in the key. Good on you. Some people write me an email, dear Todd or whoever reads Todd’s emails. Oh yeah, I got a guy doing that. I pay a college kids to read Todd’s emails for him, that’d be a good gig for a college kid. With all due respect Mr. Barry you get seven emails a day. You’re correct and I’ve only gotten six today, back to work. I went to college at the University of Florida. I said that recently someone went to a bar, I said why are you booing, Florida State man?” Oh you went to a different school. Mysteries solved. I love that mentally, but you went to a different school than I did, I want everyone going to the same school. One school. A hundred and forty million students or I go boo. I am the least tolerate human being on earth. What did you have for dinner? Chinese food, I had Japanese food, boo. Do you like Tristan? I prefer wheat thins boo. You like regular starburst. I like the tropical climate. Boo motherfucker. I only have 700 more examples of this. You like curly fries, I don’t like not waffle steak fries, boo. You’re right my heart wasn’t into that last one. I wasn’t passionate about that one, like I was about the recent wheat thin ones, where I almost started crying. 

Chipotle, Trader’s Joes

Y’all have the chipotle Mexican grill? Np, you have that place next door, what that place called, this will all be cut out,  it’s Qdoba. I’m going to do a joke about something very similar. It’s a chain, I’m sure some of you, yeah, why the fuck did you put me through all that? I overreached I apologize. So I like the chipotle Mexican grill, that place is delicious, every time I bring up the chipotle Mexican grill in conversation someone is like oh chipotle is delicious, can you believe they were started by McDonalds, uhh McDonalds is delicious. So yes, I can believe that. It’s not like Ben and Jerry’s opened up a lingerie shop. It’s the world’s greatest restaurant chain, taking a stab at another kind of food and hitting it out of the park. People said Todd you can’ pull off a chipotle joke in a town where they don’t have chipotle, I said watch me. You have trader’s joes here, huh, trader joe’s grocery store just opened up in New York City. There were lines around the block I finally made my way in there, and I ran into a friend of mine, he said oh this palace is great, they have the best pizza. You know who else has good pizza, New York city. Maybe someday they will open up a New York City, New York city. I heard there was a Trader Jose in Idaho now, wondering if they do tater tots. 

Old Navy, Short Shop

I went to old navy to buy a wallet. Cause I make an astounding amount of money. And I go through wallets like crazy. I went there and said, do you sell wallets? The guy said I don’t know if we do, but if we did they’d be on the second floor, a table from the left. Oh but you don’t even know if you sell them, but with pinpoint accuracy you’re going to lead me right to them, if it turns out that you do sell them. But that you don’t know. I go to the second floor I find another sales man. Guy goes, no wallets, no ties. As if I’ve heard the wallet question and we all knows what’s coming around the bend. I can understand no wallets in the old navy but no ties, but what I’m supposed to wear with my mock rib turtleneck and my purple camouflage cargo pants. I got a funeral to go to. Oh man. I was in California and I walked by a short men’s clothing shop. I had never seen this before, I thought I’m kind of short, I walked in there looked at some of the sizes, guess what people, Todd Barry too damn tall. Too tall for the little guy shop. I walks in there the salesmen was freaking out, how’d ya even get in here man. Help police there’s a giant. It’s got to be 5-5th bring a crane. Put in a special jail cell, with extra high ceilings. Cause he’s a motherfucking’ giant. 

Todd’s Address, Stay with Todd, Limo, Container Store

You guys can all come stay with me in New York. Let’s give out my home address right now. 1309 granny smith apple way. Penthouse, New York New York. 5531. I actually have a nice place 23 bedrooms, every bedroom has a baby grand piano in it. Sitting next to the baby grand piano I swear to god a regular sized grand piano. Architectural digest did a story about my apartment, they called it a pretentious douchebag house, they lost 50,000 subscribers. Cause in the history of that magazine nobody has ever read the word douchebag. In that magazine. I’m not rich. If I do become rich, the only thing that will change, I’ll get alimony. Same awful apartment, just with a limousine. My neighbors will look out their windows, why doesn’t he move. Look honey he has used that thing to go return bottles. Oh, he got a crazy good spot in front he check cashing store, it’s’ 29 cent money order Mondays. Guys have the container store here, this one is going to fucking rocket. This one is going to rock. Counter store is amazing. The Most amazing thing about the country store, it’s really a container store. I saw that sign and I thought there was no way. I walked in there, four hours later, i said you know what i think it might be. They see a reef counter there, a reef counter! If I had enough disposable income to justify buying a reef counter, I’d probably be the kind of hot shot who just bought a new reef every year. We’re through the reef out baby. What? Toss it! Throw out these 7 dollar reef. But I just bought a 2000 hard reef road case. Same kind used by Santa Claus on his last Japanese tour. Sant-ie clause. 

Anal, Set an Alarm

I was dating a women we had our first little sex talk, she actually said to me, she goes Todd I’ve had anal sex before but don’t ask me who it was with. I think if i made a list of every question, I’d ask before that one, it would be a list of every question. Including who shot jr, where the beef, and why would you think I’d want to know that. Okay maybe not where’s the beef, because she might answer that one. Just for the future, never groan at another joke. I love that that one made you, oh no, too far. Too far. We’re gonna groan, and laugh at the same time, that way we’re covered. Someone comes up, hey did you like that anal sex joke, you heard me laughing didn’t ya. I thought it was offensive, ya heard me groaning didn’t ya. You ever have sex with someone you don’t know that well, they stay the night they ask if you’ll set an alarm. It’s like hey can you set an alarm I have to go to work. I could but that alarm would wake up also. Think we found a  glitch in the system. They don’t sell an alarm that will only wake you up. No not even at sharper image. Can you just call in sick, I really had my heart set on a nice skyward breakfast. 

Amex, Pastry Chef

Same AmEx card I have sir. Something to tell your friends. People are like why don’t you have a platinum card. Todd Barry has the blue card. How would you know what kind of card Todd Barry has? In this premise they know who I am. I ran into a friend of my on the street i hadn’t seen in a while, he’s  pastry chef, I said hey what’s going on, he said oh I have to France to go to chocolate school. Alright. Whatever happened to not much what about you. You’re not only going to France, your goin there to study chocolate. Normally I would have been jealous but luckily I had been on my way to the airport to go to wahiki to go to cunniligious camp. Bunniligigy camp in tahiti. The only thing better than chocolate school in France. The day starts at six am and ends at six pm with only one break for arts and crafts. 

Nurse’s T shirt, Kids T Shirt

Saw a woman on the street wearing a shirt that said, Nurses kick butt. I don’t want a nurse that kicks butt. I don’t like the idea of fired up health care workers. I don’t want to be lying in the operating room when the door gets kicked open. There is a guy standing there in sequence scrubs. Hello I’m Stanley standups, I’m going to be your neurologist. And tonight I’m going to tear this down. Scalpe bitch. Bitch I need that scapolite. Bitch I need that scalpel. Bitch I need it. I saw a guy in the street, with this little boy, like a three year old boy, the boy was wearing a dead Kennedys t-shirt. I just wanted to walk up to the father and be like hey you know what, your kid ain’t that cool. I could just see the father dressing the kid, like Honey why are you putting that little blue sweater one him, if he wears that no one will know how great my cd collection is. 

Selling Cds, Springsteen at Bar, Moore at Party, Gawker

Sometimes I sell CDs after a show. It’s fun when nobody cuts them, but sometimes someone will come up to the table and look at the CD, flip it over, and walk away. It’s like, what wasn’t there. That you thought should be there oh it’s one of your CDs I didn’t realize that. I was looking for the first Tracy Chapman album. I met a woman who works at a bar. I asked if any celebrities came into the bar. She was like oh yeah Bruce Springsteen came in once. He was by himself waiting for some people who didn’t show up, so he left after an hour. I thought that it was wonderful that people as huge as Bruce Springsteen still get fucked over by their shitty friends. You know he sent them a text message, where were you assholes? I got cornered by ten new jersey community college students, asking me for little Steven high school stires. You dicks are always doing this to me. Fuck you guys. This is what Springsteen sounds like when talks, the singing voice is totally affected. Totally affected. I was talking to a friend of mine, said she met Michael more at a party, and he was totally nice. I was like yeah he might be nice but you met him at a party, what do you think would happen if you met bush at a party.  Hey nice to meet you Mr. president. Fuck you war. Fuck you. What did you expect from me, low level party courtesy? There is a website in new York called gawker, and they list everyone that people report. It’ll be ok 23rd street and 3 ave, Ethan Hawke buying a banana. 23rd 8th ave, Ethan Hawke with a half eaten banana. 23rd and 9th ave, a bananaless Ethan Hawke. Running wild through the streets, on some kind of potassium high. I’m guessing he just ate a banana. Which explains why he was bananless. I once played a joke on the site gawker. I told an audience to say they met me somewhere. I said, I don’t care where you said you saw me, just use the phrase easy on the eyes. ” I said the next day i got an email from gawker, “hey are you rallying your troops or something” What you got 15 emails saying i was easy on the eyes, there’s a chance I might be behind that. There is a slim chance that I had something to do with that. 

Potter, Chinese Restaurant Conversations

You guys read that harry potter book, huh, yeah yeah, i saw a guy who was reading that on the subway, he was on like page 850. It was three days after the book came out. I was looking for this guy for three days and have read more than I have in my entire life. And I have an English degree. Then I realized it is kind of a children’s book. It was an 850 page Curious George book. I could probably burn through that in a couple months. Pretty good Chinese restaurant combo comedy combo people. I was in a Chinese restaurant in new York, I eat out a lone a lot, there is and acnge to eating out alone, unlimited eavesdropping. Don’t have to worry about pissing anyone off. Eavesdrop until your heart’s content. This is an actual conversation I heard in a Chinese restaurant. Threw was like an 85 year old Chinese guy, and a 45 year old white woman, and she was teaching him how to say the words eggnog. This is the way the conversation went. Eggnog. Eggnog. No. eggnog. Egg-a-nog. This went back and forth about four more times. I wanted to stand up and say  you know what I think he got. I think any eggnog situation he finds himself in, for any company Christmas party he gets invited to. I think he’ll work his way through the eggnog situation, and go make him say egg-a, you condescending cunt-ta-ta. 

Fridge, Audience member’s tab, Best celebrity sighting

We’re almost done people, time flies, when you’re seeing the best show you’ve ever seen in your life. You know that old expression, time flies when you’re seeing without question the best show you’ve ever seen in your life. It’s kind of a clunky slogan. Some words drive me crazy, when people abbreviate words, when someone says fridge instead of refrigerator, i don’t know why but i want to climb up to a water tower, and pick people off with a shotgun. This is a true story. I was out on a date with Julia Roberts, we’re back at her place. Dishes’ like Todd. I’m going to go into the next room and put some perfume on my belly . Why don’t you grab a beer from the fringe? I was like what was that. She’s like, I’m going to put perfume on, you don’t like perfume, no I like perfume, why don’t you grab a beer from the fridge. Maybe i’ll do that while I’m on my way out, which is going to be now. And I stormed out of Julie Roberts’ apartment. Ran into her door man in the lobby he’s like what’s wrong man, you could have had some of that shit. I said sir, you are a very unprofessional doorman. What do you mean could have been awesome? You’re disgusting. And then I went back up. Come to think of it, he’s right. That’s the worst thing she did was say the word fringe, well nobody’s perfect. You want my fucking autograph or something, what’s it for? It’s just weird, you got one little piece, it’s your tab, that’s what they write on it, it’s like a shitty little, sir I’ll autograph it anyway. It’s my tab. Don’t ever talk to me that way. When is ay, is that for me to autograph you go, what else would it be fore. The best, this is my final joke, in case you want to act like it’s better than it is. That’s your call people., do whatever you want. See a lot of celebrities in New York, the best celebrity sighting, I swear to go this is true. I Was walking through the park, you remember the band the spin doctors, i saw the bass player from the spin doctor sitting on a park bench alone reading bass player magazine. Never have I felt more, in the right place at the right time, I could be anywhere, and I end up witnessing the bass player from the spin doctor, kicking back with the latest issue of bass player magazine. It’s like if you were walking through the park and you saw me reading an amazing comedian magazine. Or super pretty hazel eyes magazine. Thanks a lot everyone, see ya later 

Jo Firestone – The hits

Jo Firestone – The hits

Hot and Fresh

(clapping noises)thank you, how’s everyone doing, good? Uhh , so this will butler, will is going to be playing. Will is going to be playing some songs, it’s’ going to be like This American Life, you know how they play songs wherever like, yeah. Yeah yeah. That’s really good. This American Life. So we’re going to be doing that, there are going to be a lot of musical interludes, keep it fresh and hot. I did want to warn you guys that my comedy does have a target audience, it’s women that don’t want to have fun, so if you’re one of those people you’re in the right place. If not I’m sorry. 

Katt Williams – Live

Katt Williams – Live

Interview with Chris Coleman

(interview)

Weather in Cincinnati

Before we get cracken. I do I have some complains about Cincinnati lets get this about the way before a nigga gets started. I’ve been here three days it’s been all kind of fuckin you niggas have all the weather, this is bullshit. 72 hours it’s been hot mild, rainy coldly sleety cold, this is bullshit. A pimp doesn’t know what to wear in this weather. I’m in the hotel lobby with a fur coat on some swim trunks and some timberlands, cause I don’t know what will happen to this raggedy bitch this evening. Shit. yesterday it was a 181 degrees, today it was 36 what the fuck you can’t pimp nobody when it’s 136 degrees, just as soon as you walk out, bitch where is my money, pimp down! I am a boy damn! Got to love Cincinnati. 

Michelle Wolf – Nice Lady

Michelle Wolf – Nice Lady

Can we focus

Ladies and gentlemen, Michelle wolf! Thank you, thank you. Wow. Boy. what a time to be alive, huh. I probably don’t need to say this but  should just let everyone know I am feminist, yeah one person that’s all, that’s about average. Oh, feminism is very unpopular, I should also point out I’m not I’m not like a buy my own drinks feminist. We all have our line and mine is at the bar. In want equal pay and a chadra. Well then just the chardonnay. I do think as feminist we’re fighting for too many things right now. There are some feminist that are like we want to get paid the same and then there are some feminist that are like we want to free the nipple on instagram. It’s like hey can we focus, I know she’s more fun can we focus. It’s like during the revolutionary war some of them were like we want to be independent and others were like we want to free the nipple on instagram. Maybe England should stay in charge of you, you should like you’d be easily irrentestoin. Just like logically we focus our attention and power on one thing, so personally I think we should go after equal rights but if someone made a vote and we went nipple then fine, I’m a team player I’ll go nipple. It’s just hard for me that it’s was a woman’s idea, sound sliek a man infiltrated a meeting and was like we gotta get these nipples on instagram, did you hear we can’t, it’s not fair, we’re women, you know men my main concern is the woman. That’s why I call them the woman. And the whole debate is that men are aloud to have their nipples on instagram and women aren’t.. Here’s an easier solution, just get male nipples off of instagram. I’ve never seen a male’s nipples and been like, oh now my day is better. Boy do i love looking at those useless skin tags. We gotta focus, we got to focus on what we’re fighting for, we can’t stop and look at shiny objects. We can’t campaign about whose on money. Like I mostly use a credit card and there is a picture of a cat on it, and I picked it because I’m the person you think I am. There were a ton of options and I was like a cat and then I saw there was another cat option and I was like I gotta open another account. I’m not a monster, no I don’t want to donate to your children’s charity. Like why do I want a woman on a dollar anyway, it’s not like amen is going to look down on it and be like oh right I’m going to start respecting these. I’m sorry stripper I can’t give this to you, I mean mrs. stripper. 

Emmy Blotnick – Party Nights

Emmy Blotnick – Party Nights

Self Potato

Ladies and gentlemen, Emmy Blotnick. We’re doing it. We’re doing it. Yes. Do you guys want to hear about my favorite wheel of fortune clips of the puzzle is mostly solved, most of the letters are there you can tell the answer is self portrait, and this lady buzzes in and goes “Oh self potato’ right away. The guy next to her is like lady itself protect and she’s like oh no, and it’s so good, because self potato means nothing, means nothing at all, but I love it so much I want it to mean something., You all know what a couch potato is a self potato is when you don’t need it the couch for that to be who you are. Just taking the couch potato mentality to go, cause you don’t need a couch if you got you. I don’t know if that lady knew when she got that puzzle wrong that she was going to give a snake for my lifestyle. I am a self potato through and through. It’s basically high function depression yeah I think we’re on the same page. Earlier tonight I spent about two hours in a wet towel. That is a classic self potatoes movie, you guys ever do, ever stay in a wet towel until it’s bad, it starts good, oh this is great and then you’re not happy anymore. Like to take that train to the last stop. I used to be more of a party person. I used to go out and get drunk, stay out late and have party nights, you know it’s not true no one calls them party nights. Blowing my cover. 

Liza Treyger – Glittercheese Transcribed

Liza Treyger – Glittercheese

Chad Daniels – Natural Selection Transcribed

Chad Daniels – Natural Selection transcribed

PHd

Hello, hello. Hello. Hello. Hi, hi, I got one of these for everyone. That’s how I do comedy. Come out and say hi to everyone, and then it gets weird cause I start asking personal questions. Two weeks ago I went golfing and finally beat my wife, those are two separate things. I got home she was like, are you golfing again, I fucking lost it, I lost my mind, I’m dressed like an asshole what do you think. Course I was flogging, I obviously did not beat my wife, but she bugs the hell out of me sometimes, and I’m sure that if she was a comedian she would open with that exact same sentence. About me so I think it works. She has a PhD in genetics, but that’s it. She doesn’t have a PhD in everything even though you wouldn’t know that by talking to her. Many PhDs think they’re smart, about one thing, you’re smart at one thing. Here’s why it bugs me, one time she said what would you ever do without me? I’m a grown up, I have my own money, what would I do without you? Bring to the cemetery once a year. Sorry, I don’t have time every month, but I’m a single father of two because you text and drive. That’s a shitty question. I work on the road by myself. Away from her, what does she think happens, I just curl up in the hotel room in the bed until someone gets me. Oh thank god you came, I didn’t know what to do, I don’t know if you heard my wife isn’t there. So scared. What would you ever do without, that’s a question men don’t ask women, because we don’t give a shit, that’s a fact if we left it’s for a reason. I know what my wife would do without me, she’d take showers with hard water because she doesn’t know we have a softener in our house. We lived there for eight years, I have brought five green bags of salts to the basement monthly and she has not once asked me what it is for. And I know why, it’s because she doesn’t want to help bring it down satis, but I could have killed more 100 hookers and she’d be none the wiser. The green bag killer strikes again.  That’s what would be happening. 

Paul Mooney – Race Transcribed

Paul Mooney – Race

Intro
Very funny guy Mr. Paul– Mr. Paul Mooney!

Nigger Vampire
Damn, there’s a bunch of niggers in here now. I don’t like it like this. All the minority, white folks it’s okay that you came too. The brave white people came, cause you know white folks are sensitive, they’re like little white rabbits, they’ll get the fuck out of a place you go there. Let’s go, let’s go. They got those ballsy white people, “this nigger doesn’t intimidate me, I’ll stay to the sunrises! We’ll see if this a nigger vampire” White people, don’t stare at me like this, this white lady– look how your looking at me. Have jungle eye, you are staring at me like I’ve landed on the plant Nigger(??). It’s funny, but I like it, you’re very pretty, and I like it very pleasant. He go kick your ass, don’t talk me like that Nigger maybe you a nigger. I don’t want anybody white to be offended by me, don’t be offended, my parents are white, please relax. And I have to keep you here long enough for my nigger friends, to steal your car so we’ll here for a minute. Listen, you do the jokes, we’ll get the rides.

Make My Teeth White
You know what I’m telling you, you tickle me. I’m going to explain something to you, see I watch a white audience, I study them. White performers they talk about Chinese they talk about they Mexican they talk Indians they talk about everything. And you guys your language your thing, your into. You’re just laughing, you’re just staring. You’re into it, but the minute you talk about white folks you are stiff. Beat that nigger, stop saying nigger. I’m getting nigger headache, make the nigger stop saying nigger, white folks made up nigger and don’t want me to say, ain’t that a bitch, you made it up, shouldn’t of made it up, you fucked up, shouldn’t have made up nigger. And you made up a song to go with it. Eeny miny miney mo. And you change the words when you see black folks, catch a tiger, are they gone? Hey so you fucked up, I say nigger all the time, I say nigger a hundred times in the morning. It makes my teeth white. Nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger. I say it if you think it, what a small white world. But you don’t have any problems saying Arnold swangary. I don’t know anything about the space program but I hear nigger. Arnold swanigger. Old mr.nigger. I didn’t say. I was hoping he’d Mary Shirley Temple Black and she’d be Mrs. Shirley temple black nigger, but it didn’t work out hat way. Arnold swangernigger. He’s the only white man to make a movie that scared the fuck out of me. Terminator, that shit scared me, I had nightmares for six months. A white man that wouldn’t’ die, that fucked me up. I threw my knife at the screen, stab that motherfucker, stab it. He just kept coming didn’t he?

White Sensitivity
Cause white people are very sensitive. Oh, they kill me with their sensitivity. So sensitive. It’ll be something like this, they’ll get out here like little white bunny rabbits. They’ll hop out of this motherfucker. It’s a little lady, she’s leaving now. I hope when you get home niggers are burglarizing your house, good night ma’am. They can’t take it. I know white folks they can’t take it. She got the fuck out of here. They can’t take it, cause all of their lives they’ve been told they’re the shit. White people have always been told “You’re the best You’re the everything, you come from heaven, you’re everything, you haven’t done nothing to nobody, you’re the good fucking guy” and the minute they hear a nigger talk about it, it freaks them. And I study white guys you can laugh at anybody cause white folks talk about a nigger, you laugh. Ahhh. And then the minute you’re like, you get that fucking bag, that no sense of humor about yourself, you can be talked about too, this is America fuck you, fuck you. You can be talked about too, motherfucker. And this white man is looking around thinking I got some kind of power over nigger, oh it’s voodoo. He’s looking around like he’s not Robin Williams, he has voodoo, this isn’t– see it isn’t funny when it’s about them. It is funny, cause you motherfucker are some funny fellers. That’s why God sent me to tell you about white people, you some funny ass motherfuckers. Cause you guys knock me out, you knock me out. Cause it’s just like with race, with race, white folks have been racist against everybody, as long as they’re in charge, it’s cool, but if you try to be president, it’s against god. What do you mean, they won’t take it for this much. Take it, you’ll get over it, I got over it. Deal with it. Deal with it. I got over it.

Monsters and UFO’s
How come white people that other minorities don’t’ see. White folks see all kinds of shit, UFOs, monsters. The loch ness monster, abominable snowman, big foot square toe little pussy. You see all kinds of shit. I want one nigger to see one mounter and be not on the six o clock news. I saw the monster, I saw it. I saw the code red monster. It had red hair, big eyes, greens and shit hanging out of him. Let us see some shit just once. It doesn’t mention ufos. White people are shaking their god damn heads, you know it’s true. You guys see ufos, in your goddamn sleep. White folks always talk about that shit. Manic with this shit, cause you’ll cry at the drop of a hat. You have to believe me, you have to believe us, we were vacationing, we were in the desert, we saw something hovering, we saw bright lights, we heard noises. Now when niggers she this shit you cross examine. What were you niggers doing in the desert. We were on vacation, you don’t have jobs, how could you be vacationing? We saw something hovering, it’s those big wide niggers hats you wear. Get these niggers out of here now. Bring in some more truthful white people. They took us, they took us. See let some niggers bring up monster, they won’t even talk about it. I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s add that on the cover of the inquirer. Nigger aliens take white family away for two weeks. They brought them back beat up, anyway look. They took us they beat us, those niggers beat us. We just don’t’ see the shit you all see.

Paul Revere and Betsy Rose
Thank god Paul Revere was white, cause we wouldn’t be sitting here if had been black somebody would have shot that nigger. Oh, that nigger stole that horse. Hey brother, who did the white people see sewed the flag, this white woman? White woman that sewed the flag, That bitch, c’mon they had slaves, that bitch was asleep at six. You know some big black mama was up all night sewing that flag. All child lords have mercy, I just sewed this flag. I’m just up so late, honey I see stars, well bitch, put em on the flag, and fry me some chicken. As soon as the white men got there, white lady jumped up “see what I did?”

1-900-Blame-A-Nigger
They don’t’ want to give black people credit, they just want to blame everything on niggers. Then someone white man in Boston shot his pregnant wife? Then shot himself, oh niggers did it. And they believed that shit. If the brother couldn’t take it, he could have jumped off a bridge, then they told him. “Oh they try to blame a goddamn nigger” I’m going to start a new ad. Like a– 1-900-blame-a-nigger. So when white folks get in trouble they can call my agency. Blame nigger? I just pushed my mother down the stairs. I don’t want to go to jail, send a nigger over here. Alright, I got one. I’ll send him right over. Hello blame a nigger, I just ramed my car in a tree and my whole family died, I don’t want to be blamed, get a nigger, get a nigger. Here we got one here with a bad driving record, we’ll send him right over. Thank you, God bless you blame a nigger. Thank god for the titanic only had white folks. Cause you know they let niggers in they blamed the nigger. You know that! All the white survivors. It wasn’t that white iceberg, it was niggers. I heard them singing while we were sinking. Oh man river, old man.

White Hollywood
You know they will let white folks make a movie about any goddamn thing. Scissor hands, give me a fucking break, somebody is on crack. Somebody has a pipe at the studio. Somebody in the studio is smoking crack. Scissorhands, throw mama from the train, only white folks can thrown mama from the train and it’s a hit fucking movie. Ain’t it some crazy fucking shit. Throw mama from the goddamn train. White men can’t jump, they don’t have to own the team. Some white man in a bank, oh man my niggers are jumping, jump nigger. Daddy makes you jump. Jump. Single white female, they’ll let white folks make a movie about anything. But I knew they were crazy when they made Miss Daisy drive. In the ’90s in driving miss driving, fuck Miss Daisy. I will walk before I drive Miss Daisy. Some old Jewish woman, I’d walk before and beat the shit out of Miss Daisy. This is the 90’s I’ll drive the bitch to an alley and rob her. I will do a carjacking, Miss Daisy is on a fucking bus if she’s driving with me. A lot of you are relating but a lot of white folks aren’t laughing because they love that tar baby let’s go back aunt Jamima bullshit. Oh yeah. I don’t like that cooning happy slave bullshit. See your white you can go back, back to the future, yeah go on back. I go back, I can only go back so far and my black ass is in the chain, fuck you I’m not going back. They’re trying to trick a nigger, come on come on back. Come back to Jamaica. No, I’m staying here, where I can tell you to kiss my black ass. I didn’t like the ending of the movie, and the rest is like c’mon poison my best friend, let’s get it over with so I go the fuck to sleep. What they are going to do, let Spike Lee write and direct part 2. Driving Miss Daisy some more.

Lassie
But my favorite, I have to confess, don’t tell anybody, Lassie. I love lassie. I love motherfucker lassie. Was that a smart dog, god man that dog was smart, you remember how it started, that was lassie whistling. That dog was smart. Want’ he. And then talked to Lassie like Lassie was a person. You know white folks talk to lassie, “Hey lassie, hi lassie, hi girl, how’s your mom, oh Lassie, I love you, call me tomorrow lassie,” Just talk to lassie. I saw one episode, grandpa drove him somewhere and had a fucking heart attack. Lassie drove him to the hospital, and made a left, I said goddamn lassie that ‘s a smart fucking dog. Lassie got dogs killed. I had a little mixed ghetto dog, I almost hit that dog in the head with a hammer, I said “motherfucker if lassie could do it, you go do it,” I said, you better talk back imma give you to the Vietnamese family, I bet they’ll make your ass talk. But that lassie. Whew. Then one episode they got burglarized, they said “Go take a girl, were there any fingers, any dark one girl, grrrr, that black girl? Make out the police report lassie,”

Niggerstein
I always like, put, your race, into movies. I always thought Frankenstein as a nigger. No, cause all white folks are chasing him. Get him! Get him! He was always running like a nigger. Grunted like a nigger. And when he catches em, he’s just a nigger, he’d whoop their ass. Threw motherfuckers all over the palace, get em’ nigger. He’d steal shit. And then white people were scared of him liked they’re scared of niggers, what’s that? What’s that? Niggerstein is it him? That shit you used to fuck me up I’m sorry. They always trying to catch that nigger.

Beauty and the Beast
Crazy wild shit. No that’s why I can’t ready for this shit. White films, I’m sorry white folks, it’s crazy shit. One thing in Hollywood. They don’t’ like black men and they don’t’ like white women, well one of you are uncle men so you know what I’m talking about. But the ones that are up on the shit, you watch the movies come out of Hollywood, what they think of white women. They don’t give a fuck about white women,t hey put you with freaks, Beauty and the Beast. Come on that’s a bestiality. I know a monster when I fucking see one. OH, it’s his inside. That a fucking lion. Have white lady fucking him all night and shit, don’t’ take your kids to see that shit. Four or five years from now, he’ll be in the kitchen fucking the dog, singing, beauty and the beast. King Kong, they ran to get that white woman, Go get that white woman she’ll fuck that big gorilla. Get a white woman. Princess and the frog, that’s freak shit with a fucking frog, white lady. Swamp thing, white woman I love you. The fly, big old green eye, get a white woman, I love you. Sick shit, sick white shit. Put a black woman in these movies and see how the dialogue changes. Put a black woman in the fly, you big eyed motherfucker. You’ll never buzz on this pussy. I bet when I get this black flag you’ll get out. Swamp thing, better get your ass back in that pot of greens, I ain’t done cooking this pot of greens. Frog, elephant man, we’re going to the zoo to find ya somebody cause ain’t’ a goddamn thing happening here. When they just give the white woman dumb lines, I love you, they don’t’give a fuck about a white lady, if they ain’t raping you if it ain’t sexual, if they fucking up anything a white lady ain’t worth nothing. You’re not even safe in a dream, if you fall asleep Freddy gets your ass. You cannot be safe in a goddamn dream, then you wonder why the god damn serial killer wants you. He goes to the goddamn movie and kill white the woman. Kill about fifty of em. That’s some cold shit, and then when they catch the white man he’s crazy, it’s hard for them to kill him. Look at this white man they had in death row some shit you guys stay up all night, oh no he was abused, this motherfucker that ate hamburgers killed two boys and ran. What you are talking about is crazy. He ran and he had good sense. Eat hamburgers and go to a police station to talk about it. That’s crazy. He was trying to get away. Good sense. Cause all of them the same. When you catch them they all say the same thing, i’m crazy. I’m out of my head yeah, give us five minutes you’ll be out of your body. Fuck them. We need some nigger judges, white judges they see themselves in these men, we need some nigger judge, nigger judge break up the bullshit. Look at this hillside strangler, the one who kills all the white women, with 8 different personalities, you know Sybil’s brother. Let him go to the nigger judge. Oh eight different personalities. Pick one because I’m sending your ass to jail. I don’t give a damn if it’s Steve Fred Dave, somebody ass is giant o jail, so just decide who the fuck you want to be. To break up the bullshit. I don’t see how you women take it. You guys just forgiving and loving, cause men wouldn’t’ take it. Men were killing men, men wouldn’t take it. They’d lock all women up. Maybe you should get together, like do you on television, have a cross your leg strike. Nobody no pussy for six months. See he just freaked, nobody got no pussy for six month unless you catch the serial killer. They will round up all the motherfucukers. Just the thought of it. No no pussy strike. I get a little carried away.

Blacks on TV
But that’s why Kent wants television because it’s too wild. They have crazy shit on Star Trek the new generation, whose writing this futuristic stuff for black folks, who is writing this? One nigger is blind the other looked like a motherfucking turtle whose writing this? Whoopi Goldberg went around looking like a fugitive from a pancake box who is writing this shit?

Hammer
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgsd3P56SIs
And i didn’t think I’d live this long, to see a nigger dance for a piece of chicken. I turn on my TV, and see hammer dancing for some goddamn popcorn chicken. That’s a goddamn shame. Some popcorn chicken, what is it going to be next week, watermelon chicken? Is this nigger’s mama still alive? Go to his grandmother’s house and get a free piece of chicken better than that popcorn chicken. For fucking popcorn chicken. That bitch. He doesn’t need the money, the hammer is on everything. I open up my snap crackle and pop and he jumped out, hammer time. It’s a damn shame, he’s on everything, I had to pull out my license, make sure he wasn’t’ on that. He’s on everything, well what white man had the nerve to go talk to MC Hammer, uh Ham? Look, I’ve got a great commercial idea, since it’s chicken, it’s popcorn chicken. What you to do that kind of nigger ghetto move, when we throw the chicken in the air, you’ll catch it with those big nigger lips of your we know you won’t miss. And just to make you feel comfortable, you can bring your little nigger friend, with their loud outfits, and their little popmadoru hairdos. It’s going to be lots of money for you nigger, so don’t worry about it. I dance for some chicken, I stab somebody. I be on hard copy. Comedians on hard copy, he stabbed two producers because they wanted him to dance for a piece of chicken, we’d be back after this commercial. You can bet it won’t be a chicken commercial. But Hammer’s like dick in his ass, yeah sir? For a piece of a chicken, yes, does this mean I can be in a bigger house boat. I’m being real, fuck that. It’s’ late in the day fuck the bullshit. I’m not going for the bullshit anymore, it’s’ late in the day,the bullshit isn’t’ necessary more. Niggers gonna dance for chicken they got to be call on it. Can’t hold your head up high and dance for a piece of chicken The real white people, the real white men, this niggers so bright. Clever. Smarter than the average runaway.

End of the World
It’s the end of the goddamn world. Really is the end, it’s the end it is. I saw a Chinese man driving a school bus this morning fucked me up. I went to a Chinese wedding for three days, it was beautiful, I threw rice and they beat the shit out of me. Don’t let Chinese people, they didn’t invent rice, it came from Africa, like a lot of shit, we made a lot of shit, Africa okay? That’s where rice came from the piano, the English they took it from the jungle put white keys on it fucked it up. So uncle Bens’ black ass belongs on the box, cause we introduced rice at Chinese people, we scared them, we threw rice at them, didn’t touch it, picked it up with sticks, the rest is history.

Nigger Rasins
But white folks favorite TV commercial is that you got be a little wrinkled up nigger raisin, with a hat. They think that shit so cute, heard it through the grapevine. Oh look at the cute little nigger raisin, heard it through the grapevine, they’ve gone nigger fucking raisin crazy. They made Ray Charles a raisin. They were like fuck it he’s black, then I looked up one morning and Micheal Jackson was a god damn raisin, they’ve gone nigger fucking raisin crazy. And shit ain’t cute. I bet if I get me some marshmallows, put some arms and some legs on those marshmallows and let ’em sing surfing’ USA, they don’t think that shit is so goddamn cute. It won’t be cute then. White folks will call in “Im’ not a god damn marshmallow, what kind of crazy nigger wrote this commercial, fucking marshmallow.” Then they give all the cute commercials to white people, oh you’ve seen this shit. What’s ten inches and white. See it’s not cute no more, I don’t want this sets shit.I want nigger raisins. Whatcha eating nigger, fuck you you eat your cereal we’ll eat our. We know how to be cute.

You got a quarter?
You know what is weird, this homeless shit has got out of hand. This shit, I’m offended by this, people say “why do you get so upset” fuck that, they’re not going to get me int he bed. This is America, this is bullshit. This Is bullshit. I remember America when it was under one. This homeless shit, it get on my fucking nerve. White people and niggers beg the fuck out of you. When somebody white come to beg to me, it scare the fuck out of me. Mr. Nigger. We got a quarter, yes and some sense with it. That shit is wild. Something is very wrong with america. Now they are everywhere. You can’t go anywhere. Where you are, that’s where they are. They know where to go, where you are. They got some sense. I went back and there was five of em’ in my bedroom, “You got five dollars” you got a 100 dollars, how the fuck you get up in here? I eat shit now, they made you have an accident now. I’m a veteran. It’s always some little skinny one that’s on drugs. Eating, I work for food. Hospital. If I catch a fat one out there, I pick him up, cause I know for some chicken and some cupcakes, he’ll work their ass off. I said I got some baked chicken in there, Oh fuck we gonna work all week. And I resent those, when I was a kid I used to kick cardboard boxes just for fun, if I did that now I kill a whole fucking family. Richest country int he whole fucking world, we gotta get back to we were arrogant. I don’t like this old humble, you got a quarter, it’s bullshit. You know, you guys are quite cause your scared, Mr. Nigger, this nigger is too smart for his own good. But you won’t find a homeless Japanese person, they won’t fuck around. You give them a bowl of rice, come back in five minutes it’s a restaurant. They don’t fuck around, old lazy white folks lazy ass niggers. Watching too much fucking television.

White Labels
I wanna say something I wanna say something, we’re recording so I want to say some good things about white people,cause sometimes white people freak out, “he hates us, he doesn’t like us. I don’t hate you, I hate your parents for having you. There’s a chip on his shoulder, they always have names for things, they’re label people. White folks real label people, you’re dirty when you label people because it’ll last for years. The only good Indian is a dead one, bitch. One thing i hate more is a nigger, you couldn’t’ imagine what, is a nigger lover. Oh my. It’s true white folks know how to label you. They just fuck white girls up, don’t go black you won’t come back. Come back from where, what did they fall in some deep black hole, don’t go back you won’t come back. That’s comes cool shit ain’t’ it. Labeling your ass. You don’t come back.

When the Smoke Clears
That’s why the Spike Lee jungle fever, there is no such thing as jungle fucking fever. The white man saw it this a long fucking time ago and they were like okay, blame it on the white men. Cause he did a lot of fucking. He did a lot of fucking. Listen to Ricky nelson’s old tune. I’m A traveler. Remember, my little Swedish girl my little German girl, but when he got out in the nigger area he started humming. MMM MMM mm. He did a lot of fucking okay, ain’t not jungle fever, we all too mixed up. Don’t let them run then. 400 years too late for jungle fever, you guys are getting too quite again. We are all God’s children, all of us, we are all black. That’s the truth everybody is it. It’s’ cold isn’t it but it’s real. Cause you know, cause people black is negative in the western world. They’ll admit they got any love but black. They’ll admit your mama is a goat. Ain’t your mama a goat, that’s why we call her nana. Isn’t your cousin black? AHHHH. The real white folks now what I”m talking about. That’s why they to look at their family tree. Just look at it. They shake it a nigger fall out. What’s the little girls’ name that sings? Paula abb nigger. They can talk all that shit, but when the smoke clears, nigger. I don’t got black blood if they talk shit. I got to be talking a whole bunch of them. And the ones that don’t got black blood go tot he doctor to get some nigger lips. White women getting shit stuck in their lips. Going round with this big makumba love ass lips. What is happening, are black people being killed on the freeway just for someone to come back, I’ll take those, vogue says the bigger the better. I went to school with white folks. Your lips are not that big. At least get the kids fixed, with that little thin lips they look adopted. At least some goddamn Jackson Five’s had the sense enough do five one get one free, they all had their shit fixed, so they could still look like a family.

Michael Jackson
And you know they drove Micheal crazy it’s a goddamn shame. Drove that boy. I see those old Motown tapes, videos of old ones. That nigger nose great. Keep that wide ass nigger nose, I hear at four int he morning he can’t breath he has no nose. I want my nigger nose back I’m sorry. Cause your heart and your lungs, never got an operation. When he dies and goes to heaven, god won’t recognize him. Saint peter whose this nigger with the tiny nose? I didn’t make him. Drove that boy crazy. Talking about it doesn’t matter if you’re black and white, no it doesn’t matter unless it’s you. Some sad shit, that’s pathetic, keep your nigger nose, keep your nigger everything, keep your nigger everything. Keep your nigger hair, keep everything.

White People’s Talents
White people, they got their shit, they’re beautiful. I give up all the shit to you, I realize you can sign show tunes, i give it up. You guys do your shit, you can ski, ski your ass off. You fuck up a nigger up with some snow, I’m serious. One leg, even when you fall that look good. Niggers be sitting there, god damn that motherfuckers can ski. But i must warn you, there is a black girl. She’s bad, and she’s been practicing on the dirt, just wait till she gets some snow, she’s gonna kick your ass on some snow, cause she’s hell on some dirt hills. And you can do that on a dirt hill, aww shit. Gonna be like a speed racer. No it is, and I wanna back it up, and give it up to white people when you do good, cause I know some of you are gonna be freaking when you leave here. Fall asleep, wake up freaking out, is he gone? But you do, you ski.You do all that shit, you ice ski, you do shit that fucks nigger up, you bungie jump. You tie and jump off ski, sky dive. Hand glide. You cannot get a nigger drunk to do both of which, I’m very impressed. You mountain climb, you’re like a goat, you don’t see niggers climbing mountains, we’ll sing about it. Ain’t No mountain high enough that’s it. But you guys put on the packs, going to climb the mountain! Get away front eh niggers la la la la. The higher you get the happier you get. You start hallucinating, you start yodeling, you get crazy. You go missing. When they friend you your frozen, you won’t find a a frozen nigger nowhere on this planet.

Nosey White People
And the white man is the boldest creature on this planet. The white man has more nerve than fucking today. That’s why you can go to space and do all that shit. You would crawl into a can of beans. I get in. Cause I saw a special, early in the morning like 3 or 4 in the morning when you think niggers are asleep I’m up. White man do crazy shit. I saw a white man in a cage, deep in the ocean fucking with a big old white shark, that shit was scary. The whtie man was down there just freaking out. They brought him up and shit and just interview him. It was wonderful, it was marvelous. The shark was white I was white there was no niggers I loved it. That’s funny some wild ass bullshit. Cause you guys do things that niggers wont’ do. And white folks are noisy. They have specials nosy specials. Wide as a bee make honey. You aint’ a bee why do you give a fuck. Follow a bee to mexico just crazy shit. Nosy, that’s why you go to the moon and shit. Tell me it’s in the black girls somewhere didn’t he. Said they sent a black girl up there, but i never heard them say that brought that bitch back. Cause didn’t they say america, I aint’ seen that black woman. There is a cool, the jig is up,the ship is cold. I hope they bring that bitch back. Cause didn’t Russia leave somebody up there. They were too broke, they couldn’t’ bring this motherfucker down. Cause the country feel apart. The communist they call, Comrade, comrade, sorry he’s moved. He went to america. Comrade. Cold shit. But it is. White people do that , they do wild shit. Now that we’re all friend. I wanna ask white folks, why do you take your children to places where they could get attacked and eaten shit, I’m tired of hearing about white people’s children getting carried off by a bear, a mountain lion, a coyote, wolves, and taking your kids. You never hear black kids get carried away, you guys are freaks for doing that shit. Then when a bear gets your kids you try to get all psychological. What motivated the bear, the bear was hungry, your child looked like a hamburger that’s the motivation. And you shouldn’t have been out there in the woods, let’s your kids play int eh eagles nest, you know the eagle coming back and fuck em’ up.

African Animals
I go to the zoo, I get mad, cause those are our animals, it pisses me off. Lock up your shit, lock up a goat. It pisses me off when I see all the lions and zebras that pretty African shit you lock em up. And black folks believe me they belong to us. They try to disassociate us, they belong to Ziegfeld and fucking Roy in Vegas that shit is fucking ours. When I go tot he zoo I get mad, if you don’t believe me take 12 or 13 niggers to the zoo they see that many black people they get crazy they think they’re going home, they start jumping up and shit start hopping. When they see white people they just stare. Just Sartre, I told you i got you. It’s a bit much nigger. But I can take my ancestors as slaves. I know the deal, didn’t they stare at us during slavery. (audience talk) It’s my job to make white people mad, they say nigger we want you to go to earth and piss off white folks, got ya saint peter. Don’t worry about it. I’m being punshined, I live in the white neighborhood i”M being punished. I gotta move, I gotta move. They will not go to sleep until I go home. Sometimes I don’t go home for a week. They haven’t put on pajamas looking for them. They don’t go to sleep. And this is an allusion I’m not that nigger. In reality I’m a wolf I was bitten by a wild nigger, I’ll be fine int he morning. Come visit in the zoo tomorrow.

Can’t get a cab
God just missed this city, it’s a trip. It’s hard for a black man to get a cab you gotta know in New York and everywhere else, it’s strange what the fuck is going on. Cab tried to run me over trying to pick up someone by white, that’s some wild shit. It’s true. Hire someone by white to get one for you. Cold shit, ain’t it. These motherfuckers hardly speak English trying to have an attitude. Where are you going? Where are you going? Where is your green card motherfucker. Bitch where are you going? To ya mama’s house that’s where. Where are you going, where are you going? I just wanna, I’m being honest see, it bothers me, I don’t know whether white people can relate to it, cause it doesn’t happen to you so I don’t know if it happens to you, then it’s going to be a different motherfuckin’ story.

Caucasians vs the Ozone
Cause see that ozone is getting big out there. You guys don’t have melanin in your skin pretty soon you won’t be able to go outside anymore. You gonna need niggers again, call up niggers to do your shopping. Call a nigger. Tyrone? Wake up lying ass, I’m hungry. Niggers gonna finally have the beach to ourselves, won’t that be fun. Beach to ourselves we’ll get out there and sunbath and show off. Good day, white people will come out there, AHHH, I thought they were seals. We will scare the shit out of them.

White Fright
But white people always go where they don’t belong. They could be driving down the freeway, is it midnight let’s go for a swim. They do some crazy shit. That’s why I love that movie Jaws, I saw that movie a hundred and fifty fucking times. They threw me out, they said you have to go, you eat up all the popcorn you have to go, I love jaws, come back. Get em’ cause Jaws is getting some white people. White people are afraid of jaws, I love sharks, I got pet sharks in my backyard, whatever scares white people I put in my backyard, I got pet sharks, med flies whatever scares me. Niggers that go to school.

Slavery’s Back in Effect
And there still no, and it’s bullshit, cause really ain’t black and white. You know why, cause white folks really love niggers, you gotta go back in history cause we used to. Ownership, cause when white folks owned nigger they let em in the house. You don’t let anyone in your house who you hate. We were in the house. The mammy sucking on our tits, cooking their goddamn food, wasn’t central heat, we were warming up the bed, get your big black ass under the bed, warm it up! But we slept for five minutes. They loved us, as soon as we were free that shit changed. Niggers live on this block I don’t think I want to live here. Now we can’t even be on the same block, trust me, if slavery came back tomorrow white folks be all open arms. Oh welcome home, niggers, missed you. Sing one of those songs, here, catch that chicken. Ahh, it’s too cold. I don’t mean to be that mean, yes I do.

The Boogey Man
Cause being a black man in america is like being the boogeyman, and frankly i’m tired of being the goddamn boogeyman. I hop on the elevator white people hop off, they get all nervous. Walk down the fucking street. Even inside an expensive hotel, white women grab their purses. Don’t matter. Make me feel guilty I didn’t snatch that shit. This is the shit we gotta go through. Don’t have a hundred dollar bill, unlawful for a nigger to have a hundred dollar bill. Everybody puts up to a light, calls in an expert, what the fuck is this?White folks are printing money, we ain’t printing it, cause we’re George Washington would have a big old flat nigger ass nose and nappy ass hair. We fuck it up. Get tired of this shit. Went to an interview, got my car parked, I’m late so I’m running. White woman got out of her car, she’s running too, sees me and runs the other way. I couldn’t make up for this shit, I chased this bitch for ten blocks. Some truth, got to be the goddamn boogeyman.

Clarence Thomas
Huh? Who asked about Clarence Thomas? Oh Clarence Thomas, he was the nigger, he got a nigger’s dream in america. He had a big dick a white woman and a lifetime job. He got the niggers’s american dream.

Woody Allen
Little freak. Just like that Woody Allen, Woody freaky ass Allen. Some people growing their own grass, he’s raising his own pussy. Had that little girl since she was nine. I’m not fucking her she is. I ain’t a bitch cause I got the nerve to say it. Oooh he’s tearing up that pussy. Please. Come on. It’s a damn shame, that’s legally his daughter. She’ll be like, mama i hope you don’t marry. Hey can I go out, here sure take the keys, don’t’ stay out too late. Thanks mom! You seen his new movie. Make room for daddy, oh I Didn’t mean that. Oh OH. I love it. Trying to protect that frock. He’s a freak, I don’t care just cause he’s creative doesn’t change that he’s a little freak. Dangerous little motherfucker. Now assure you, a little 18 year old trying to get an autograph will go talk to Woody ,you won’t ever see her again. Next time you see your little 18 year old, I’ll be on a milk carton. Missing last seen, Woody was singing an autograph. Some cold shit aint’ it. I mean we all like a little fried rice. That’s some dirty shit. His own god damn. Mia Farrow, that white woman is telling the world, they’d believe anything she says. He screwed the squirrel. And I got that on film too. Caught him in my clothes a couple of times. He’s a little freak. They believe anything MIA says. That some funny shit. Yeah she said, 7 million dollars woody we can forget this thing, altercation. And for 14 million you can have this other daughter. I love this. I feel like Diana Ross, you guys are right there like the supremes. Ooh awww. That’s she got rid of them bitches I got to get rid of yours. Work alone motherfucker kept that shit to your self. Oh and ahh, and kiss Woody’s ass. Don’t mind your little freak. I got kids, kick woody’s ass. I’m in love, yeah motherfucker, yeah. Dirty motherfucker. I’m just being cold. You know if that shit was reversed you know if Bill Cosby did some shit like that, these white people be like. Selling that jello to those kids who didn’t fuck it. Bill’s marrying that little girl in the jello commercial. What! Nigger. But tis’ woody little white man. He does movie. I don’t like woody he never has no nigger in his movies, fuck Woody. Woody make all those movies in New York i never see a nigger in New York you know theirs niggers in New York. How you gonna make a movie in New York– that’s like him coming to San Francisco and going to Chinatown and seeing all white folks. C’mon that’s holding back. I enjoy his little white films. Then you get on Spike Lee’s ass what nigger making those movies, he’s trying to question niggers, what does he mean by that comment. White shit you never question, but what does he mean?

Nigger History Lesson
And I want to say this, on behalf of the black people, and give them some uplift and educate the white people. See white people make me sick making these movies Cleopatra, Elizabeth Taylor all that bullshit. Cleopatra was black. As black as my fucking shoe. Black. Okay. Egypt is on the coast of Africa it’s not some village in sweetened that bitch was black. That’s why she had all that gold, that’s why she seduced that motherfucker. No white woman could do what that black bitch did. But that black bitch came in with all that pretty gold upset everybody. Okay. And seems like an old motherfucker. Old. Senate old. Old. that black bitch seduced him lead him into the black forest he went in fucking nuts. Had his baby, left. They got mad And Caesar went crazy about it. I wanted to be the queen Rome. Rome had no queen that’s why they stabbed that motherfucker. They went did he go crazy that nigger bitch, we don’t have a queen stab that motherfucker. I’m his best friend, stab him! Man don’t you know he wants that nigger to be queen. OH give me that knife. She went back to Egypt and that bitch had everything. Cesar sent her, I Brought you a gift, you know what Cleopatra said, this is how bad of a black bitch she was a gift? What could it possibly be, what could you give me that type doesn’t already give me. That’s a cold answer. Ain’t it. I am the queen, what the fuck could you possible give me that Egypt hasn’t already given me. I don’t know if I’m the queen of Egypt. He looked at her and said, take this natural more and kiss my white ass. So niggers know that. They sicced Marc Anthony on her. Go get her. He’s supposed to go for six months. He took six fucking years. She seduced the fuck out of him.she got a black boy that looked just like her he had her take her clothes off eh got crazy. Then they declared war on type. They got mad then, too damn. And their plan was to take her back, to drag her back let the dogs to eat her flesh, they tried to run game on her that’s why she killed herself. They were login, gotta do her, but she went on and killed herself. She bad. I love it. I love that whole thing. Bitch was black, wasn’t Liz. Wasn’t Claudia Clover. It’s the truth, you gotta realize that. Not Joan of arc, Helen of Troy. Helen wore em’ out. Helen was the white woman she wore motherfuckers out. Okay. They started a war, over Helene’s ass. Let us nigger have our shit. We don’t run around saying Helen of troy was black. Oh no she was a nigger, cause it wasn’t real. You got your shit. Say hey. Cause we built em’ so good we forgot how we built em. White people, ask white people who built em. People from mars, space people. Fuck you. Niggers an Jews. And Jews were our slaves. Pick that brick up. Until god and Moses double crossed us. This niggers history lesson is wearing white folks out. Nigger, nigger history lesson. Next this nigger will be saying Doris Day is a nigger. I’m just being real with you white people. I’m not faking you. I’m telling you the real deal. Okay? While I’m at it, fuck cheers too. I’m not about that shit, cause they don’t let niggers int hat bar, fuck cheers. I’ll watch the shit bu ti can’t sit down and have a drink, fuck cheers. A great shot but I can’t go there, fuck cheers.

Blame it on the White Folks
Um, I do hate going to the movie, and I’m a tell you why. Cause every time i go to the movies, one or two them bitches come up with earth day, and save the planet and the whales, all that ole bullshit. Do you know how much nerve it takes to say you’re going to save earth, earth is saving itself. Or have you noticed, earth is fighting back earth don’t fuck around,t hat big windshield in Miami, tan up shit. Tan up all the white. I was out there trying to help the earth (blowing). When it rained in LA. Remember it rained for thirty days, I wanted it to be 40 days, it was raining, only fucking up the flood in the white area, the ghetto was so fry. White folks were drowning. I said I thought you folks could swim. Niggers throwing rope, ain’t tried to nothing, here catch this, white trash on top of trailer, barefooted howling for help. Eating jelly sandwiches, but i blame it on white folks, cause ya’ll move in strange areas trying to get way from niggers. Houseboats all up on the hill. Living up on the hill,t eh mudslide come and take your ass to ghetto. Go to sleep in the hills and wake up in the ghetto. No but earth is fighting back, see earth has its own natural water and gravity, earth can stop and shake us off the way a dog shakes off fleas. That’s why there ain’t’ no more dinosaurs. Dinosaurs some big motherfuckers they thought were bad, but they ain’t’ no more, cause earth don’t fuck around. You better get with each other there ain’t’ going to be no more us. Worried about all that other shit, those wails. Now that niggers can afford to wear some fur your going to make a law against it. Fuck you. I’m wearing fur pajamas. Fuck you. I blame it on white folks. You this whole thing, the Indians told you about this shit, but you didn’t listen. You started out fucking this shit up, chopping down trees to build boats to go get niggers. And now that the pins is over you want us to help recycle, I’m not recycling shit. That’s me on the freeway. I throw shit out on the freeway all goddamn day. I ain’t recycling a goddamn thing.

Mexicans
Any Latinos here, I haven’t talked about the Mexicans. Good. Good. let’s get this Mexican shit straight. LA is mexico. Don’t let the white folks fool you, that’s mexico. If you don’t believe it, take your Mexican friends to the border, they run right back to LA. Didn’t the Mexican have, in la didn’t they have some holiday, cinco some shit? What is it cinco de mayo, oh you scared white folks, thousands of Mexican came downtown la got out of the same car, scar the fuck out of white folks. I like Mexicans, in la, I don’t know about here, in LA you guys are independent. You sell pencils, oranges, on the side of the freeway, Mexicans don’t ask no one for directions, they don’t ask nobody for shit. Niggers sued to be like, before they got integrated, because like white folks got crazy. Cause we didn’t been all kind of things, we been colored, we been negro, black African all that shit. It’s true. All kind of names, bitch. How come we just can’t be free, that’s what I want, totally. I want to see that shit, I’m taking all these motherfuckers with me. We gonna be free, we gonna be dead together how about that. No justice no peace, I said fuck that. We don’t get peace till we get even. Imma get even motherfucker, then we get some peace after I do some shit.

Dahmer
Where’s Dahmer when I need him. Cause you know that white man was eating niggers, wasn’t he, taste just like chicken. Having a good time, the boy worked at a chocolate factory that should have told them something? All he found in his ice box was mayonnaise and Louisiana hot sauce he was having a good time. Get the black neighbors was funny, I heard all that sawin’ I thought the boy was building shelves. Another black neighbor, well I heard him arguing all the time, but I never heard nobody answer him back. White folks got real quite, white people do not like to hear about white folks eating niggers, trust me. They get real quite, this is not funny, well he was eating I wasn’t that motherfucker was eating niggers, live with it. That’s why I just think white people staring at us, they were curious about Dahmer, now I know white people are cannibals staring at us cause they are hungry, waiting to catch us on the freeway with a flat. This white man ate folks, you see his trial you thought he was a vogue model. They were so casual with that motherfucker. If that was an nigger ate 17 white motherfucker they would have brought them in with a cage, don’t go near him. Don’t go near him, and for the next 100 years all your white friends would have warned you I would like to live next to you but I wouldn’t want to wake up and have breakfast. Ah don’t you remember when you niggers flipped out int he early nineties. Eating white folks, you remember. Bro that’s their fantasy, big bone big pot, hope they don’t’ fetus, but all the time it’s white folks, trying to get a hold of that MacNigger, Macdonald’s new burger the MacNigger. Oh i buy one. Two for one mccnigger. Look you guy shave been wonderful, i love that I can attract an audience. I hope you can appreciate what I say even if you don’t like what I say, defend my right to say it, cause this is america. I mean this, it’s real. And I know it makes white folks nervous, I went through white school, I don’t want just a piece of the cake. I want the fucking recipe, and that’s the problem. Thank you San Francisco, I appreciate that, thank you.