Dane Cook – Harmful if Swallowed

Like many others of my age, I listened to Dane Cook’s albums a lot in middle school. I repeated the jokes to my friends whenever I could. I watched Naruto do the jokes in anime Youtube videos back when it took about 20 minutes to load all three minutes of a video. Dane Cook wasn’t the first standup comedian I listened to, but he was the only one that anyone else I knew cared about. My friends at school didn’t know about Margaret Cho. 

A lot of people have opinions of Dane Cook that they haven’t checked since the 2000s. They’re just hating on his comedy, even though their hate comes from the wave of Dane Cook hate that happened after his big boom. Anyway, I did re-listen to the album. 

One of my favorite lines in any joke is on this album. It’s during the joke where Cook talks about working at Burger King. He’s talking about his brother being the manager, and being a dick about it, and he says, “He thought he was the Burger King.” Obviously the over-the-top way that Cook delivers the line does a lot for it, but also it’s one of the few jokes that works without the Dane Cook delivery. It works on paper. 

Cook’s performance is over the top. There are a lot of wild noises he uses. During one of the first jokes, he talks about parking at a mall and how the pavement is jerky. This is a joke that I don’t understand. I don’t know if it’s just a local thing, I just didn’t know what he was talking about. But he performs the noise that the pavement makes his car do. All of his weird noises and voices have a purpose in developing his comedy. Even though I didn’t know what he was talking about, I still felt like I was there with him in the story. During a joke called “Speak ’N’ Spell,” he does a wild voice for the spelling machine, and it puts you in the place of a kid with a strange toy. A lot of comics want comedy to just be about what you can write on paper; Cook isn’t like this. His stories are energetic and even just listening to a recording, he feels free, in charge, and inclusive. It just feels like he’s bitching with his friends. It’s presented in a goofy way.

Six Best Humor books for Beginner Standups

Six Best Humor books for Beginner Standups

This isn’t a list of books to help you learn how to do standup or write jokes. I will write that list later. This list is to show the different kinds of humor writing that can exist. These aren’t just famous comedians’ memoirs, though they can be great. 

  1. Born a Crime – Trevor Noah
    1. The classic “comedian’s memoir” book. Linear in nature. It tells you the best little stories of the author’s life while giving you a much bigger story that has a big emotional push. 
    2. Bossypants by Tina Fey and Yes Please by Amy Poehler. Borning Standing Up by Steven Martin and Poking a Dead Frog by Mike Sacks. 
    3. Books that mix personal history with essays about nonfiction topics. 
  2. Comedy Writing for Late Night by Joe Toplyn. This book breaks down how to write jokes better than any other I’ve seen. Gives examples of joke formulas.
  3. Me Talk Pretty One Day – David Sedaris
    1. Exclusively personal essays; non-linear. Not done by a person who is doing standup or performing in any standup or TV sense. Embraced by public radio. 
  4. Hits and Misses – Simon Rich 
    1. Collection of humor short stories.
    2. Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk by David Sedaris is a bit like this. Works as a series of sketch comedies. The Idiot – Elif Batuman
  5. Woman World – Aminder Dhaliwal
    1. Humor graphic novel.

Nate Bargatze – Full Time Magic

I’ve got to go name my chapters

Than you wow. Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh um. It’s uh, you know. I’ll be honest with you, I don’t think the show is going to be as good as that, I think i”m going to let you guys down. Dang. Feel like we peaked. Let get doing it. Or something. I’m un, very excited to be here, I’m married, this is what marriage feels like by the way. Just one person talking, I’m gong get out of here. It’s, that’s, we ‘re from nashville me and my wife were in nashville last summer and we were floating on the water and there was a guy in a boat, and my wife was like that’s my ex boyfriend in that boat. Now, I didn’t know who he was so she didn’t have to say that at all. She was basically like, were you having fun, cause I’d like to put a stop to that, and make you stare at this guy the rest of the day. So I’m staring at this guy and I look at my wife and sehs’ staring at him. And I feel like she’s staring at him to see what her life would be like if she hadn’t married me, so I’m staring at him like I wonder what my life would be like if hadn’t married her. You know. And we were putting so much pressure on this guy. And, we stared at him for a while, and he did something exciting at all, and looked back at each other, and you know what we didn’t have a boat, that was the only difficenret. My friend was like why didn’t you fight him, well I would have to swim over to fight him> don’t know how inundating that is, just see a guy’s head in a lifejacket. Then I would have to get in a boat. Have you ever tried to get in a boat from water? It’s not aggressive. It takes an hour if no one is in the boat, like, if he’s in there I’m never going in. I can’t tell you why but I really need this boat. 

For my special

Me and my wife fight alot. I think it’s normal. Marriage and prison are the two easiest to start to fight. Everybody is really tense and edge, and no one remembers why you got there. My wife will get mad when I hang out with my buddies, oh you always have so much fun with your friends. You never laugh that much with me, yeah I hang out with professional comedians. It’s a pretty good time. LIke, they make jokes, new jokes everyday, she doesn’t make jokes ever. She make a lot of lists. She does do list stuff. She’s in charge ,and she runs everything cause she knows everything. LIke I don’t know that much stuff. I don’t know how much money we have. I couldn’t even ballpark it. What bank we go to? I don’t know. I can’t get robbed because if some guy is like let’s go to the atm, I’d be like guess we have to wait for my wife to get here. She can’t leave me because then like…She can’t die if she starts dying then I’d die so much faster than her. Cause I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to call her mom, hey did she ever bring up bank stuff with you. Hey what did she do for a living, what was her deal. My job is to protect the house, I do not know if someone will come in. I don’t have a gun, but I have a pocket knife. I could do nothing. I could hope to aggregate him at best. I could cut him, rip her shirt open, that’s best case senator. For the. I don’t know how to use the knife in the middle of the day. Much less in the middle of the night, wake up have some kind of knife skill I’ve never had before. So what we do is sleep strategically to prepare for an attack, you know, I’m here, she’s here, she’s closer to the door, but, it’s she who doesn’t even know there is tragedy. So, we just. So the plan is, the guy is gonna come in, shell lunch, she’ll lunch, she’ll be like I feel like I got punished, oh babe you don’t’ know what lunging is. She’ll put up a good fight, at least a good enough fight so that I can practice with my knife on my side, just a little be ready for him. 

Comedy Central SPecial

We have a daughter now, a two year old daughter, so it’s getting pretty serious between me and my wife now. I was living in new york when my daughter was born. But we flew back here so she was born in tennessee. I don’t need her growing up thinking she’s better than me. Yeah. yeah. I was like you start where we start, no one gets a leg up in this family. It was wild, I remember going to he shopitla. I remember telling my wife, like I don’t want to see anything. I wish it was like the 50’s when they didn’t let men in the hospital. But it’s not, the doctors are like, do you want to deliver the baby why don’t’ you do most of it. They just pull the baby out and are like here, why don’t you cut the umbilical cord. They just act like I’m the guy who cuts umbeiral cords in the hospital. I am almost the wrong part, I don’t know what it is. That’s not right. I’m like why don’t you do this. WHy am I doing minor surgery right now, didn’t you go to school for this? If it’s not cheaper I don’t want to do it. And then they just hand you your baby, alright I’ll see it. Doctors are so unimpressed with birth. The first question I asked, how much do you feed it. It sounded like I was buying a hamster at a pet store. The big  message is, whatever you try to do, just don’t shake this baby. That’s the number one goal, and they tell it to you like, obviously you are going to want to shake the baby, but it would be so awesome to not shake the baby. ANd then I watched the video where the guy was like here’s what I do when I want to shake the baby. I walk about 70 miles a day. I never see this baby. I had to sign a certificate like wi was in kindergarten. Alright I’m not able to shake the baby, stop asking me about it. I have never heard the word shack so much in my life. That’s all we talked about for three days. The first night we got her home, we were leikkaus and she was crying. Are we supposed to shake this baby? That what they said to do? We didn’t shack her. I feel like I got to say that, you guys don’t have to call someone. We have rocked her pretty hard. You know. Babies have to get a lot of shots, a otn of shots. It’s very nerve wracking cause they don’t know what’s going on. You take them into this room, man this day is going unbelieve, what’s goin to to go wrong, what’s gonna go wrong. You have no way of telling them, it’s about to all go wrong. You can’t even imagine how wrong it will go. So she gets the shot,and we gotta console her, and we’re waiting for her to cry. She does not cry. She was just fine with the shot, everything was okay. And my wife was like this is a sign of bravery, she’s going to be a powerful woman one day. I was like yes, it could also show that she’s’ gonna be psycho. Who doesn’t cry when you get a shot, she doesn’t even know what it is and hs’es fine with it. I cry and I know what it is. I don’t know if she’s going to be crazy. You have no way to know for a while. We’re not off to good start but maybe. It’s going to be like 18 years, when she’s 18, I’ll be sitting here at her graduation either like I love you so much, I’m so proud of her. Or we’ll be on the news, we love you so much but turn yourself in. Right now. She throws fits like a normal kid. We took her to walmart to buy some toys. We were like just going to let her pick. Which first she runs to like dog toys, no this isn’t, have to grab her, like she’s joking around. Yes. I don’t know. Do you have a dog, we might get one. So, I get her, back to the human toys, and go ahead and pick whatever she wants. It’s this little popper. I don’t know if you remember it has this little globe on it, you push and it goes up. I don’t know if you remember, but it hasn’t changed since you’ve been a kid. The guy made it a hundred years ago and no changes. No suggestion box nothing, we’re doing it forever like this. So she’s grabbing it all over the store, we gotta put it back, but I don’t want that one, it’s been used. Already been used. I want a brand new one. ANd I pay for it. Then I go to switch with her. A reasonable person will see that it’s the exact same thing. We got into a huge fight. A crazy fight. Two year old girl. It was almost like we were trying to prove that we belong in walmart. I was sitting there, let it go, you can’t tell the difference. She’s looking at me, like why don’t’ you let it go, you can’t tell the difference. I got it, I got it out of her hands tho. I am so much larger than her, I was like I got it. I didn’t want her to win, we took it home and she has not touched it since then. I thought I won, but I bought something no one is using. It’s our first kid, I don’t know if we had a kid too late in life. I’m 35, she was 33 when I was born. When you ask someone what was the best time of your life, either before they had kids or after they had kids, there are twenty years they don’t mention and that’s when kids are in their house. So by the time my daughter moves out I’ll be 53, I’ll be dead within hours. I’Ve just pushed it too far. I watch that show teen mom and man those girls know nailing it. That’s what, just get it over with no one like junior high or high school anyway, warp it all up. If I had my kid at 15 it’d been over with. Right Now. I will be excited when she goes, when she goes to school to do homework with her and stuff, it’s bonding and it’s not going to hurt for me to do one more run through. One more pass. None o fit stuck for me. 

You were there

I did go to community college for a while. Just me and this guy. Did you go longer than a year? One one year or did you go to real college, couple years oh well, valendictodin over here. Jeeze. I made it one, and what’s even more embarrassing than that is that I do not have any credit. You got credit, like all of them, you think you’re better than me? It’s easy I think to graduate. My loan is 40 dollars I just paid cash. That’s all, this is great. That’s more than enough. I was all in remedial classes, reminals just don’t count so they were all outside. Everyone was outside, we didn’t even meet inside the building at a pinchi nable. Cause mey teacher was like, well you’ll all me outside the rest of your life. You’ll be learning how to get your socks wet. You’ll be getting up pretty early the rest of your lives. I hope you guys like sunrises cause you’re going to see a lot of them, that’s what remedial classes are for, they’re a heads up that your goin to be doing manual labor. The assignment, the teacher is like the assignment today is that you’re going to help me move. That’s The thing you have to have a car and live in your parents house. Are you kids moving out of your house, it’s just remidnal I’m just with old people that are like, you’re mad at them all cause they’re asking all the questions. I’m trying to do what you did at 18 so don’t ruin it for me. 

What do you mean you don’t remember

I fall for a lot of stuff I really do, catfish, you know about catfish. That’s another MTV show right now. I like what MTV is doing right now. That’ being tricked on the internet, the big famous story was mantatie, that believed in the fake girlfriend and when I saw that I knew I’d fall for that. I mean I’m 35 I still do not sleep with my son because my dad told me my feet can’t breathe when I was a kid. I still believe that so you bet I can talk to a fake woman for quite a while. I almost joined the army at 18, just because they called, I thought I got picked! I was like oh wow this is an honor. Wow. I also signed up for a jcpenney credit card at 1`89 I was a man . This day is getting crazier and crazier. I would love it. I would love it. The guy just called for the army. My mom had to call the army and jc penny on the same day. She was like ehs’ not doing any of this, he got the phone quicker than he usually does. Just so you know, the jc penny credit card was the tougher to get out of. I’m pretty dumb. I’m not. I tell people I’m dumb, but no one goes like ok. They’re just like I bet your not dumb. Well we’re about to have a conversation so I just wanted to give you a heads up. 

It was in New York City

It thinks of it like time traveling. Like if I could go back in time to like the twenty. If I could go back in time right now, tonight, and go back in time to leith e twenties, I don’t think I could make a difference. I don’t think you guys would even hear about it, I just don’t’. I would go back, and I would see a guy on an old phone. And i”d like eventually they have phones that are just in your pocket. Yeah, how do they do it? Oh god, I don’t know. I think it’s  a satellite. I think, the satellite, they’re like what’s a satellite, I’m like ugh I shouldn’t have even said that. Metal, it’s like metal high in the air. I don’t even think I could prove I’m from the future, I don’t. I’d just get stuck. Cause they would want something. Like who’s the next president, oh boy. Abraham LIncol you’re gonna love him. They just think I’m from the past, then I’d have to get a regular job. I would go back in time and do worse than I’m doing right now. 

We flew on a plane to get there

I went and visited my parents recently. My parents have a real fat cat. People point it out, they walk in and go man that cat’s fat. Seems rude. He doesn’t speak english but we do. And they’re just like what are you feeding this cat. Normal cat food things, we just fill a bowl. If he eats 8 birds outside he doesn’t tell us. You know, he’s not like, yeah I ate out tonight I’m good. and then they’re like y’all should do something, what do you think we’re not doing. Do you think he has a gym membership and we don’t drive him. He’s a cat. That’s his gym membership, that’s he’s a cat. I watched him jump from on top of the fregifation. Tahjty’s like if I jumped from on top of the school from the ground. If I did that you’re not going to be like, well you could still lose a little bit. 

Yes. Real high on the plane

I gotta get in shape, not this hspa, it’s not a good shpa. E I though, oh I’m doni an hour special that will motivate me, here we are. I tell people I gotta get back in shape, I’ve never been in shape. People are like, I’d like to get back to my twenties, I’d like to get back to seven. If I get cloud back to when I was 7 I was just killing it. I don’t know how to work out, for me a great workout is walking to mcdonalds or, stand up and eat, see if that does something. My friends are like let’s go lift weights. I don’t want to get too big, that’s how far I go. Well let’s just drive by and see what happens. If you start ballooning up we will leave immediately. I ordered the p90x videos. Never worked out a day in my life so let’s what the navy seals do. I ordered it because of the commeiral. They have the before body and the after body and I was blown away by the before body. I thought that’s what you get to look like. That guy looks like great. I would be thrilled to look like him. Does the before body guy have a dvd? Cause? That guy seems more my speed, what did he do to get that? I’ll just do that. I signed up for a mixed martial class, I made it one day, it was all through groupon, the groupon is like mixed martial art training, it should have been hey do you want to fight a guy in a room. I go in there, I don’t know how to fight, and they just pair me up with a 16 year old kid who wants to fight for a living. And wasn’t raised by humans, and they’re like why don’t you just go at it. I think it’s’ because we have different goals, that’s why. We should not go out at it, I believe he’s training for the hunger games, I just want you not to be able to see my nippels through my shirt. That’s two levels. Someone gave me an under armor shirt to wear, it just shows the worst of your body, it’s skin tight. I look better without a shirt on athan with that shirt on. You know in plastic surgery how they draw markers on you, they should just put you into aht shirt, obviously that’s what we’re going to go after. 

Then you went sightseeing in New York

I’m lazy. I can tell from watching sport, I was watching a football game sitting on my couch, and before I got up one guy kicked off the other team and before I could get up the guy ran a 100 yard kickoff return, the guy ran 100 before I could 3 to mayb 4 yards. That guy also had 11 people really trying not let him run 100 yard, I didn’t even have an otomon in my way it was wide open.I played sport when I was growing up, I played baseball, I’m up to bat I get walked, I get ot base the catcher was still holding the ball. And he wasn’t, he was staring at me, like he was dating at me to run, like I don’t think he’s gonna go, so I run to second, he throw it to second, he over throws it, I run to third, they overthrow it to third, I’m running this is baou to be a in the park homerun off a walk, I’m about to be on sportscenter this is the biggest thing to happen in the sports, I slide to home,and the umpire goes it was only ball three.  So, I have to get up, I’m dirty for no reason, I’m out of breath, I have to pick my bat up exactly where I left it, it’s’ not 3 balls two strikes, I immediately stick out, the umpire goes now you’re fine. What I did learn was that, uh if your confident you can get away with quite a bit, cause why didn’t anyone stop me, they knew I wasn’t supposed to be going, that’s why the kid was holding the ball, then I run to second, and no one is that much of anidoi the ball in the outfield, they’re not looking they think it’s’ a hit, and I guess the umpire realizes, and is like well I guess it’s easier for him to come back to me, at least let me feel what it’ll feel like to get an inside the park homerun. I was thinking about all the parents in the stands too cause they can’t hear what’s goin on, so they’re just watching this, and I guess like I don’t understand baseball I thought I knew, baseball changed since I’ve been a kid, when you around like that you’re done, I don’t like these new rules. I watch a ton of sports, I think it’s alway great you see the nba when they win a championship, cause you see some to the player afterwards, everyone is like, I want to dedicate this champions to everyone who dubbed me this entire life, then the guy stands up and he’s 7 4 240, and nop one doubted you. No one went on a limb and said I bet you can go far, no one, though you were a tree your first five years of life. I thought your parents were your children, that’s how big you are. Lot of the time when athletes retire they do motivational speaking, one type of athletic you can hire is like guys that have climbed mount everest, they talk businesses to motivate them. Casey is’ relatable. It’s like it’s not relatable at all, this guy climbed Mt Everest, and he’s goin to talk to people who are trying to park close to the building. Ti’s noit. He asks everyone,w hat’s your mt everest, what your toughest thing in life, and before you answer, remember his is mt everest so it better be pretty good, mine is like I have trouble not stopping at mcdonalds, that’s how embarrassing you know I don’t know how long you won the mountain but now they’re open 24hours. 

You’re hungry now

You just ate

No M&Ms

I love the craziness of new york. The homeless people, they’re everywhere though. They travel well. You Got by, you see them asleep on the sidewalk. Everytime I see them they go to bed at a very reasonable hour. Walk by it’s 9 o’clock he’ll get a solid eight hours, he’ll be at work on time. One homeless guy he asked me for money and iw asl iek alright here, and I gave him the money it’s good to give money it could happen to you you could be homeless tomorrow. I don’t know about tomorrow. I have a lot of friends and family. I’d have to get rid of them in 24, I don’t have time to do that, I would have to kill them all then I’d go to jail so I wouldn’t be homeless. It would take a long time. Very forced, maybe that was his message. Maybe that was good. I don’t know. 

Two m&ms

You just don’t say, I don’t say anything. I don’t say anything good, just let stuff happen. I was flying recently, and now when you’re flying you can leave your phone in airplane mode, and this lady leans over a guy “hey you have to cut your phone off, and she’s like you have to cut your phone off you can’t have it on” and I got, you don’t have to do it anymore and shes like “you have to do it,” and I’m like you don’t’ have to do it. They’ve changed the rules. And she’s like “I don’t make the rules” well they’ve changed the rules, and you’re acting like a rule maker. Alright, and guess what, I cut it off, I cut it off and now I think about her everyday. Everyday I think about her. I just want to find her again, I really do, if she ever sees this, you were not right. I was completely right, this I think is the only way. You were wrong about it all. I bet she would be watching she wouldn’t know, she’s clearly let it go. She’s won this. She’s like what, is this guy. I don’t know why she would be answering. Alright. She’s not going to know, but she’s going, I don’t know what he’s talking about. She might know. Do a thing at the end of this, reunite, the dvd extras are me and her, getting together. I just want to be left alone. If you ever watch the show on ABC, what would you do? The only reason that I would ever do something nice is because I’d be afraid to be on that show. Like they do something crazy like take a someone’s purse and see who says something, and that’s the only reason that I’d be like “well I don’t want to be on tv” some people stop it , some people don’t stop it but they still interview them, you can say no, n oyou can’t show that. Some people don’t mind, “hey do you mind if we show you being the worst person ever” yeah I’d love to talk about it, should we blur your face, no no no I want all my friends to know. I travel a lot which is great, being to a lot of different countries, it’s all wasted on me., better if you guys went. All wasted, I could be an hour from my parent or 5 days. I don’t know it somewhere, I went to baldrian, saudira arcaid, like it was this city of saurdia arabia, and they were like you know it’s own country, that’s good, good for them. I went to honduras. Pretty decent fanbase there, this special is going to blow that place up, wow, a lot of fans. It’s no. It was a uso tour so we went, and I remember we went to the airport and I told the guy that and he was like what city, and I was like oh god I’m just learning now that’s not the name of a city. Where do you think I would be going, which plane do you want me to get on. We land in a houndour and this guy picks us up driving us to the army base, and he’s like look there are a few things you need to look out for, one pspdiers, spiders will hide in your bed. He’s basically just like look you won’t sleep and he’s like there are a lot of snakes. Snakes too, venomous snakes, keep an eye out for snakes, but if you do get bitten by a snake the best thing to do is to catch the snake, and just be like this is the snake that bite me. And iw asl iek I’m not going to do that part of it, you want me to catch a snake, but then I get bit and I have to get it together and catch a snake for the first time, and he’s like it doesn’t matter if you’ve already been bit. And it’s like do you even know what a snake is? Because it completely matters. There is a huge difference between one bite and probably 30 bites which is where we will beat if I try to catch the snake. Who told you to say this the snake? Maybe you’re supposed to do that, I don’t even know. 

Here take the bag

I have no luck, making it this far has been great. And it’s I don’t believe in science, you know, that’s just, I don’t understand so it’s easier not to believe iti, that gets you out of a lot oufarugent, I don’ t believe in science, alright do you need help. Scientist could just be making stuff up, that would be a great job to have if you just want to make stuff up. Cause no one can challenge you, no one, isn’t going to say anything. They don’t even get in trouble if they mess up. The earth was 2 billions years old now it’s’ 4 billions years old, how many people got fired after that? They’re like nobody, really nothing, cause y’all were way off. I read that beetles are 320 million years old are they? Cause they could be doing that, I feel that your first job as a scinet, the beatles are, they’re just like go see how old beetles rae, when your new go see how old beetles re, the other scientist are back there like just write 320 million, who’s going to question that, we can change it at any point. Pluto, pluto not a planet, of it might be a planet they change it every five seconds, it’s crazy. That’s when I left scent, I’m out, you can’t jam Pluto down my throat all my life, and then the second I get out of school it is the planet, it affects me. In elementary school I got a c minus on a test because I forgot to put pluto. And turns out that I should have got above n a. That’s what I should have got. I should have been asked to teach the class, should have been teacher. Never believe in pluto said it’s too far, you guys will see. 

I know mommy’s funny

I love doing comedy. There was a time I was going to quit, I was going to quit early on, there was no one to quit to, no one. Here is why I do it, my dad is magician, still is a magician, started as clown, just I don’t want to come off like I come from some rich magic family, and I’m better than you guys, he paid his dues, his clown dues, it’s weird when your dad is clown, it’s weird everyday, I never trusted clowns. Have you ever been yelled at by a clown? Do you know how confusing it is to be screamed at by a guy that has a smile painted on his face? Cause it’s not the same clown that these kids are going to see outside, he was a clown till I was 12 to 13, and that’s about as long as you want your dad to be clone. When your 6 and 7 there are perks but when you 12 13 kids at school are like is he still doing that? You’re like you know off and on, guys, yeah he’s almost full time magic. I, like, it’s funny when I tell people my dad was clown, people just like, I hate clown, hey, hey remember that time I just said my dad was clown, I just said. I hate your father. 

Now let daddy work

I watched this thing on an animal planet once about it was about buying tigers. Like you can buy tigers, like you guys want a tiger there’s a guy you can go to and you can buy a tiger, and they did some undercover reporting and saw where they got tiger,s and they asked him afterwards hey do you think it’s too easy to buy a tiger in this country and he’s like yeah, yeah it is. THat was my favorite part, because I didn’t even know you could buy tigers. I would have been embarrassed to ask. I watched this and I was like I don’t even really have to jump through hoops to buy a tiger, it’s not an all day thing it’s an hour. And everyone wants to get rid of guns but that makes me nervous because if you take guns away from people those are the exact same people who will buy tigers. You try to give them their gun back and they’ll be like, no I’m good, my tiger is way better than my gun, my bun missed all the time, my tiger never misses. And even if he does it’s not for long. Like if a guy dodges his tiger, “your dumb tiger missed” well he didn not he is righ behind you now and he is furious so. You know that saying that guns don’t kill people people kill people, it will just be like, tigers kill people. Do you know where you tiger is by chance, you dont know that’s a problem. I love doing comedy. It’s great and I like to let everyone know. We’re about done. I think it makes you feel better, alright thanks, like how many movies do you go to and then like what if a guy just poops on screen like, uep it’s about to wrap. Okay two more seconds. Thanks man, that was you know. 

I love you Harper

I drink too, which isn’t like, that guy drinks we have pretty big problems, ,just us two. It’s uh, I don’t know if I’ve had a sign that I should quit drinking. I did a shot that was 3 hours outside of phoenix Arizona. It was at an Indian casino. I don’t know if you’re supposed to say that. I don’t know. I don’t know what you’re supposed tos ay. It was casino there was a crazy amount of indians there. SO I, I go, I drive three hour drive to middle of nowhere I do the show then I go to bed. Had to get up at 7 am, be a normal person. Then I meet this Indian dude and we drink till 5am. It’s like a hundred and ninety degrees. I’m just questioning everything I’ve ever done in my life, and then I look up and there is a wolf, a real wolf, in front of my car. I’m just looking around because I’m expecting someone to be like sorry my wolf got out, and it’s just staring at me, like I Don’t know how to make a wolf leave. Like get out of ehre wolf. So I’m just staring one he’s looking at me, and I’m like, wait , that ‘s the Indian dude I was drinking with last night. Is he a wolf. It wasn’t him, the wolf left. The wolf angered off, and then this happened and it doesn’t seem real cause it happened back to back, and then a helicopter lands in front of me, there is no one else on the road. But me and this helicopter and it picks up a guy and flies off. Like I should have videoed it it is the craziest thing I have ever seen. Like I’m honking at the helicopter like of all days you shouldn’t’ have hoovers for just a second and let me get under. The other one I had is uh I got real drunk and then I locked myself out of my hotel room completely nacked. I’ve done that in my two year old daughter’s lifetime. So uh if she hears this, and she’s like oh is that college, n it was when you were the most depend on me. Here’s a look, why I was sleeping naked you just sleep naked when you’re drunk, but I was like gotta try. Then I remember I gotta to put the do not distribute sign on I walk and I open the door, do not disturb sign you can crack the door, but acting like I was moving a couch outside, just opening it with my body , then I step outside and hear the doro shtu which is the most sobering noise I’ve heard in my life, this is not good at all, walk outside, and I’m just a real do not distribute sign for the whole hallway. I was like don’t come down here, we’re not ready. So I’m standing there and I’m like alright what are you going to do, there was a window, I could jump out of that, it’s easier than having to explain that to my wife, and then I look there is a cleaning lady and she’s there because it’s 11m, that’s how far in the day it is. And I’m just looking and I don’t have a body like, when she sees it you’re welcome, it’s like I’m sorry. And I looked at her and she knew what I Needed. I looked at her liek happens to the best of us right. And she looked at me like this does not happen. She just let me back in my room and I told my comici buddies they tried to make me feel better. But I’m like I bet I’m in her top three. She might walk in on people naked, but then nobody charges at her naked. No one comes up to her like you’re the most important person in my life right now. And I need you to be on board with all of this, don’t ask questions. I’ll mix it up, cause you know you gotta lose weight, you ever do vodka soda when you want to lose weight, then you drink it like beer and wake up in the street, but you’re like I’m not bloated, that’s nice. Guys. Thank you so much for coming out. Unbelievable 

I know these last jokes were on Yelled at by a Clown

(This is the joke about a guy pretending to be blind in a diner, and then Nate realizes that he is really blind. It’s on Yelled at by a clown, which is transcribed on this website, look through the Nate Bargatze tag) 

And yes I should write more. It’s hard. 

(this is the last track on yelled at by a clown– which is also transcribed on this website  about playing a prank on a friend in a mcdonalds, where he takes a bite out of his friend’s burger)

Lucas Brothers: On Drugs

The Lucas Brothers are identical twins who live in Brooklyn. They previously made an animated show together called “Lucas Bros. Moving Co.” This is their first Netflix special.  

The special starts with a clip of Richard Nixon launching an offensive on drugs. Then we see the brothers light up a joint and go to start their show. They walk up pretty slowly, and on stage where there are cardboard cutouts of Richard Nixon. The background of the stage is a repeating background of Nixon in blue-tints. The setup is a lot. I often found myself staring into the eyes of Richard Nixon while listening to the jokes. There are some little touches on this theme as well — each of them has buttons supporting anti-Nixon causes. 

The twin dynamic brings a lot to their comedy. A punchline can pack so much more punch when one of the twins gives a quick “yep” or “okay” right after the other delivers the punchline. It also lets them tell jokes through conversation. “Did that joke work?” “No, let’s update the punchline.” In another joke, one brother stares at the ceiling trying to think up a punchline until the other asks, “What’s up, man?” But their personalities are similar, so it’s a conversation about building, not really about disagreeing. 

Most of my favorite jokes they tell start from a small story. They talk about how their drug dealer is a feminist and made them watch a WNBA game. I love these jokes because they’re so unexpected and are such a weird intersection of things. Just in this one joke, they’re talking about drugs, basketball, feminism, and an annoying dude. 

With all their jokes about drugs and their different delivery style, they come off as very alt. They’re also low-energy. Some of their biggest moments on stage are in relation to each other. When the special starts, one of the twins walks in a circle around the other twin. There are moments where a twin will ‘toss’ a joke to the other twin. I’ve never seen anything like these twins. I think everyone should watch this special just to get a feel for what these two can do on stage. It’s interesting to see how stand up is different when two people are acting as one. 

Promising Young Woman

Promising Young Woman

This was a sloppy movie trying to make a big point. It’s’ about a girl who pretends to be drunk and then kills people. Or at least that is what the trailer tells you it is about, and that’s what the first 20 minutes of the movie promises, but it’s not what the movie is about it. It’s about the main chick getting killed, while being a stripper, while attempting to kill a rapist. 

I did not like this movie. I like Carey Mulligan, I like Bo Burnham. I like movies that make sense. This movie does not make sense. There are costumeing choices that don’t make sense– I mean they live in Ohio for god’s sake, and yet mulligan wears sundresses everywhere, and mulligan just goes to a club. All of her Mulligan’s characters’ friends work in the same area that they went to medical school at? That’s a little wild. These are the more nitpicky parts of my complaints. 

Margo Robbie produced this, and a lot of the problems I had with this movie are consistent along the lines of other movies that Margo produced. The music is on the nose. The first time someone says the rapist’s name in the movie the soundtrack swells with strings. It’s like if you played the Jaws theme song and it makes the movie hard to take seriously. I don’t need to be told how to feel. There is a scene when the Carey Mulligan finds a video of the actual rape of her friend, and the camera stays on her face while she watches it, and it’s just a little bit too much. Mulligan’s face shakes with sadness and anger. 

Bo Burnham is good in this movie–though from the moment he is on screen, I felt confident knowing that his character would be just as shitty as all the other men in the movie. And it turns out he was. But he does have his moments of being funny. There is a great scene where he gets dinner, and that’s full of well timed laughs. But there is another, very boring to me scene, in a pharmacy that’s telling us oh, Carey Mulligan character and Bo Burnahm character are in love. And I’m like yes, we got it. Why is this taking longer than a minute to get across? 

And so I get to one of my bigger complaints, which is about the way that Mulligan’s character dies. First, she dresses up like a stripper and goes to a therapist bachelor party. She drugs all the friends’ liquor and they fall asleep, because at a medical professional slash rapist’s bachelor party there is not a single sober person. Sure. Okay. Then she takes the rapist upstairs and she handcuffs him to bed. Kinky. And here is where movie just gets distracting derivative. She attempts to tattoo stuff to his belly. The movie does this as if we haven’t seen The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I mean she is no LIsbeth Salander. This isn’t even the bad party really. Rapist undoes one of his cuffs (unexplained) and then fights the mulligan character, and then takes a pillow and kills her by having his knee on her neck for an extended amount of time. You know, how Eric Garner died. This movie kills this white chick in one of the most publicised cop killing black men death there is. And it understands this to some degree, because the reason in the movie that it’s doing this, is to tell you that the rapist is doing this intentionally because the big question with Eric Garner is how do you keep your knee on someone for over seven minutes and not intent to kill them. I just find this idea incredibly inappropriate to be used in a movie that is not about racial justice. No one else seems to have any problem with it though, according to what I’ve seen on the Internet. 

Everyone just seems to like this movie because it’s saying that rape is bad. But the girl can’t even get actual justice for herself in the movie. The end of the movie has the girl doing some kind of scheme to get the rapist arrested. This is ridiculous inside of the movie, because when Mulligan’s friend was raped, the police didn’t do anything. The authorities (campus) didn’t do anything. And now we’re just supposed to believe in the movie that the cops will do their job. I don’t. This movie sucked: it was a knock off of Gone Girl without the tight plotting and editing that Gililan Flynn gave the book, and is mostly nonsense. 

Also the black guy she got caught with at the club after telling Bo Burnham she didn’t want to go out on a date that night–he looked just like Patrice O’neal. That’s kind of a low blow. The other actors just get to play themselves, and beloved black comedian is just some dude in a hat.

Coke Money – Natasha Leggero

Coke Money – Natasha Leggero

Faux Fur, Diamonds and Jizz

If you would please, a nice round of applause and welcome to Denver Natasha Leggero. Hi. It’s great to be here, Denver. Hello. Don’t worry It’s faux. Oh, that says fox sorry. Don’t be Intimate by my outfit, It’s forever 21. My friends tell me that they shouldn’t shop. All their clothes are made by third world children In sweatshops. Like it’s my fault those baby favoty works are such elected sewers. I know It’s hard to come out and listen to comedy with all these environmental disasters happening. Can you believe we’re running out of diamonds. The only way I know how to make a new diamond Is to jerk off an old man. Way more messy than scrubbing some oil off some seagulls. So uh, sorry I don’t do dirty jokes, I think It’s a really cheap way to get al ugh. Maybe I’m being judgmental, It’s just not my cup of jizz. Male comics alway come up to me and are like, don’t’ you think you’re a little attractive to be doing comedy, and I’m like don’t’ you think you’re a little ugly to be talking to me. I just broke up with a guy, hold your applause, It’s hard breaking up with someone, ladies you know, when you have to be the one that says It. Listen you’ve run out of money. I’ve uh. 

Vegas

I’ve been doing a lot of traveling. I just got back from Vegas. YEAH. Everywhere you go there Is just bros In Vegas. VEGAS YEAH. Too many bros In Vegas. I’m at the pool and I hear this guy go, yo had sex with aprospsite last nght bro, okay, bragging that you had sex from a proustite Is like braggin that you got some Doritos from a vending machine. There Is no skill Involved. I don’t know If they do thi sin vegas, but In the clubs here they don’t even play full songs anymore. They just take the most popular ten second of every song and just stream them together so It’s like. If you like you should have put a ring on It, my baby, my humps my humps my humps my humps. If the dj has made It to a bridge of a song, you know he’s oded. My humps my humps. What Is wrong with Fergie, every video she Is just rubbing her butt on a car, I’m so hot I’m fuck this car. How many suvs has she given a std to? Did you guys see that over there? I’m trying to go dancing and you just all these girls In their clear heels running around singing, “elets get retarded In here,” I’m like mission accomplished. 

Hip Hop

My brother Is a rapper, my other brother lives In a van that he put an address on. I always get In right with the rapper because I feel like hip hop artists have gotten very lazy. They used to make their own beats but now anything catchy Is just stolen from another song, yo yo one thing I gotta say, every breath I take uh uh hell  yeah, every bond you break. Uh that’s already a song, since when did yelling over our favorite hits from the 80 become. 1586309 that’s my prison number bitch. Hey can you stop sweating over that song I like. Yeah bitches you know what I’m talking about, the sun will come out they run out of 80, now they’re doing the 60, hey hey wait a minute Mr. postman, who show, Mr. postman, Mr. postman! That Is a song. Axe anyone. This Is a real one, last time I was In Vegas, what’s your name, what’s your daddy, I’ll fuck you In the ass till your colon bleeds. How Is that a song? I do not understand what Is happening, these songs are so stupid, I wanna be a billionaire so freaking bad, If I hear that song one more time. They don’t even make sense of these songs anymore. I’m Fred flintstone, Imma make your bedrock, what? The course to that song, si this eleven year old girl, Imma put my pussy on your sideburns, If you think that’s where your pussy goes, your too young to be having sex. God. 

Girl, You Ain’t Got no Arms

So I’m from Illinois, thakny ou. Thank you mama. Where Are you from, alright! You talk like that here, I”m rcom rockford. It’s like the city equality of this conversation. Cheap trick Is from rockford, let’s not yell out anything else though, good boy, I thought I told you to wait In the car. I hate going home to visit my family. I alway sask them, hey are you planning on talking In those accents the whole time. And my mom Is like you used to talk like this too tasha, yes but I’ve reinvented myself. Do you have any Idea who I think I am. I used to take the bus before I moved to la. But you guys don’t take It right. I Didn’t think so. In lost analgesia It Is only Insane people on the bus. And I saw your light rail stop. Very vizatimor. In any other situation, If you had a padded cell full of crazy people, you wouldn’t’ wheel It through town. And just drop them off at random places. Really, does that woman with a no pant and the chicken box on her head need to get o the farmer market. My sister Is has turned chirstan, and when I went home to visit she doesn’t sweater now, she’s like that woman was such a b. Oh, jesus cares about what’s In your heart not some word they didn’t even have In aracmic. And also, when you call someone a b, all people can think about Is stbbin you In the fucking cae, so you shoudl just say bitch, effing Idoit. Also I’d like to say, just because someone raised you done’s mean you have to add them as a friend on facebook, can our parent please get off line, so my father Is embarrassing me online, he’s picking up on my friends, he’s raised like some guy with a spanish last named wrote on my page, over my dead body jose cuervo. Everybody sees that. My dad Is giving himself a mobster name, accuse we’re airlines, so now he’s like Johnny’s legs. Why do all Italians act like they’re In the mob? It’s so embarrassing. When my dad/s friend come up to me like “hey tash It’s me john calingo, hey If you ever need anything you let me know, I work over at the elembery school, arts and craft, I’ll hook you up, you need some crayola some construction paper. Hey tash Johnny Sardin, I went to school with your father, I don’t know If you know of things called gasoline but I pump It.” It’s so embarrassing. They don’t even want to go to titan, my dad had a chance to go to Italy and he’s like what do I want to go to the old country for. Yeah I’m sorry why don’t you just get In your air conditioned candidly put on some frank sinatra drive to the mall and get a meatball sandwich yeah. That’s the spirit of Italy. Eh. he doesn’t really talk like that. I do hate going home to lilina, It’s hard for me to explain why I hate, but when someone sent me this newspaper article. Okay, It’s from the rockford register star. It’s called armless women refused service at the macdongla.s Rockford Illinois woman dawn larson who was born without arms was refused service at a macdonald when the staff refused to let her take away the food with ehr feet. Larson pulled up at the window, gave the cashier her credit card with ehr foot, and was told by the cashier, girl you ain’t got no arms. So that’s where I’m from. 

As LIttle as possible

Customer service Is so bad now. Oh I was just at the dmv In los angeles. I don’t know If you know this now but they’re giving out free aids tests at the dmv. The only thing worse than waiting In line at the dmv Is finding out you have aids. They’ve combined them. I was at rite aid, they have now home paternity tests, not pregnancy tests, paternity tests. Oh so you’re going down the aisle with your kids, oh you want some Ice cream cones, toilet paper, you know what why don’t we find out who your daddy Is . 

Toilet Babies

It’s because there Is a pregnant lady In the front row, congratulations. You look cute pregnant. I would maybe get pronet for practical reasons like If I was trying to stop doing cocaine. My friends have babies, they can’t do anything, they can’t go out at night, having a baby Is like having a dui from the universe. Ce[t for her, hers Is gonna be great. People always ask me, who’s gonna take care of you when you get old, I’m not gonna give birth to a geratic nurse. You know who’s going to take care of me, my servants who worship me. The only time I want to see a baby Is on my new favorite television show. I didn’t know I was pregnant. Does anyone know what channel It Is on, the learning h channel. It’s a reality show, I don’t want to spoil It If you haven’t seen It. It’s real women, maybe they’re walking down the street, maybe camping and all of sudden a baby comes out. They had no Idea. Tlc, the learning channel, Is trying to make this show educational so they’re like In between the story, presently tip number two this can happen to you. Uh no one smart Is having a toilet baby, It’s not darling you’ll never guess what’s coming out of vagina. It’s always, baby come up what do I do. You never hear stories like, well I was making my way down the stables because velvet crusader and I look down and you’ll never guess what came down from loins, baby arthur. Every story Is like, I just finished going to the batman ride at the six flag, I’m gonna get another cotton candy stick, I look down there Is a baby on the street I walk two blocks that damn things Is following me. How do you not know you’re pregnant? Animals know they’re pregnant. What does she think nine months ago she ate a bad mcrib. Uh don’t order that number 3 combo, It makes your period stop. Oh that whole burger must have had a curse on It, I remember the night I ate the same night I fuckd that janitor. That women Is so dumb, when she went Inot hta tbathroom and launched that child the first thign she probably thought was I don’t remember eatin gno baby. And the kid who probably already has a higher reader level than ehr Is like did I reasireiou pop out of this Idiot. And there Is another show about toilet babies, keeping up with the kardashians? God that show Is stupid. 

Reality “Stars” 

These shows are so bad. Dancing with the stars. Why Is Bristol Palin on dancing with the stars? She’s never been on anything, she’s only had things Inside, she got fucekd In some student parking lots. And now she’s dancing with the star. What kind of message Is this for our youth? It really pisses me off, she has the personality of a  wet cabbage, agave you heard her Interview, her Interview with Jay leno Is like so tell us about your life before dancing with the stars, bristol palin Is like my mom Is working and my dad Is like, yeah and they called me like do you want to be on dancing with the stars, that’s It that’s her, alright. Talk about razzle dazzle. Bristle Paulin and her mother and her dumb Alaskan show also on the learning channel. Sarah Palin has said that she Is planning on running for president In 2012, and Donald Trump has said he’s planning on running for president they’re going to turn the presidency Into a reality show. Tonight the president on who will be eliminated, Iran air Koran. Text 2457, to cast your vote, secret out>: I know I was a judge on a reality show, and by the way I was so confused. They make the rules on these shows so confusing. It was like tonight. The bottom two will decide which of the last six will join the final five. My favorite reality show Is American Idol but In the beginning when they go to small towns, who are these people? I wanted to be an Idol, In fact I don’t know who I am. You have a lazy eye. Every girl who suiaceniotn, hi my name caron, get ready American, amerciricicia. Sweet.etete. Whose Idea was It for everyone to start singing like that, and get your hand off your ear before I kill you. Remember In the 20’s how people would sing. I got plenty of nothing, at least hta was charming, how yre you make an Idol out the kind of person you’re trying to avoid In real life. I’m afraid that the American Idol pretty soon there will be no one left to work at rite aid. How’d they get rid of paula abudles, he has been drunk since 98, they would cut to her, It was hilarious she’d just bee spinning around, hilarious, she had no Idea what was happening, I mean I know she was drunk and on pill but remember AJudy garland, she would drink 29 scratches and then take the pills to sparkle. No one knows how to be a drug addict anymore, Lindsay Lohan? You’re not supposed to be 22, lindsay lohan dad just opened his own drug rehab, his daughter Is such an Idiot he was like, let’s just do this at the house. 

Tom Lykus Rape Tips

They’re passing out he checks now. Why are girls paying for the checks? Don’t do that sir. You want me to serenade you. I pay for the fuckin’ dinner. Buy a micolo light too! C’mon, you had fun tonight, you bought her dinner, tonight could be the night that she fucks you. She’s on the fence. But drumming and confusion. This could be the night that she fucks you. How much did you spend, gimmie the check, that’s not enough for her to fuck you. So you buy dinner and then you just clock out huh, my little brother Is obsessed with this guy called Tom lykus and he’s always given the worst dating advice. He’s just this 300 pound fat guy on Sirius radio, and he’s always like eSpend the least amount of money and get the most amount of pussy. Aye. So this Is some of his tips listen If you like the chick don’t let her dink the beer or wine hard liquor only, rape tip number one, tom lykus will say thing slike don’t spend over 30 on dinner. Tom Luykus Is so fat by the way he can’t even walk . Oh you gotta dump that bitch. So I whole tip for guys so listen, here’s what you got to do If you take them out to dinner, eat first at home, then when you get out order a salad, she doesn’t want to seem like a pig so she orders a salad you can save money ayy. The worst thing I heard tom leykis say, he tells guy to carry, I swear to god my brother’s roommate does this, he says, carry with you some tabasco sauce so when you’re done fuckign the bitch put some of that In the used condom when you go, so she won’t try to Inseminate herself and have your baby. Whoa. Okay what universe are you living tom leykis where someone wants to have your disguise baby so bad, first of all pick up your mess, second as soon as you leave she’s going to flip herself upside, ahh quick call an ambulance I’m on fire.  Who carries condomoines In their pocket a fatass, you know he got a little thing of mayonnaise In case a few breadcrumbs come his way. Hey she’s cute, there are some hot chicks In denver 

More Rape

When I moved to LA from Illinois I was very Intimate, because all these girls swerved so grosbous, and they’d be so tall and carrying these expensive handbags, and then they’d open their mouths like (). And then they do this false sincerity, thank you so much! Thank you so much! Thank you so much! Isn’t that the same as being rude. Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend Is the most afraid of getting raped? It’s like, relax. Think you’re gonna be alright. There are at least 3 of us In line before you. I was In boston and I said that on stage and afterwards, I was doing a college afterwards this girl comes up to me with this thick boston accent, “Hey, you seriously never been raped before” I was like no why, and she’s like you never woke up at a party and some guy was Inside of you. I was like I’ve never woken up to a party, and that’s how toilet babies are made. 

Jersey Shore like ANimal Planet

I should pitch that as a show, I didn’t know I was getting fucked. Oh wait, that’s called jersey shore. That show Is hilarious. It’s like watching the animal planet, watching them try to make more guides. Every show, every episode Is the same thing, you only have to watch It once, they stand out on the porch, and they yell at the girls passing the street. And the girls are like oh my god you got a hot tub? I don’t know where they find people who have never seen a hot tub, so they lure them up to their hot tub. And the girls are like, we don’t have swimsuits and the guys are like, your underwear are basically swimsuits. And then Snooki gets punched In the face, that’s the show. I got to meet snooki last week, oh It was amazing. I was doing Chelsea late, and she as there, I have this cute little chihuahua I carry around with me sometimes, and he has a service vest so I can take him Into restaurants, and snooki sees my dog and shes’ like, can I see your dog,and I’m like okay, and snookis’ like why’s got this vest on. And I was like, I prent I have episliksy sometimes when I go to restaurants, and this Idiot snooki si lik what’s epilepsy, and I’m like It’s like a seizure, and she’s like what’s a seizure, and I’m like you know like when your In the the hot tub and you’ve had too many vodkas and you start shaking and vomit on yourself, and she was like oh you were there on Tuesday. 

Phonebooks

Oh you know what I just got In the condo I’m staying at, I’m so excited. Did you guys get your new Denver phonebook? SO handy like, you’re not sure the address you’re going next, just pull this out of your purse, and If you want to know where someone you met lived. Look there’s white pages. Look If someone Is not given you their address you’re not supposed to go to their house. If you want to know where the serial killers are In the neighborhood just go down the street and see who Is taking In their phonebook. Why are they still making these, this Is like, four oak trees. But I was lying through thi backstage. The white pages seem to be full of people with foreign last names, they don’t quite understand how It works here. I purposely solve the Imamgration problem. We just get a phone book and arrest everybody In It. 

Women’s movement

She hasn’t been laughing at all, I don’t think women are funny either. You think I want to work ,this sucks. I just want to relax, the women’s movement ruined a permanent vacation for all of us. We were having fun, our dad would give some guy some land and a cow, and we would have to not date, and If we wanted something from the husband we’d just twist our dimples and talk like a baby. Please Mr. husband I’d do anything. And If we didn’t get what we wanted, we’d just faint. Like they had couches just for fainting. The most work we’d have to do Is get up out of the king sized bed, walk over and pass out. I don’t know why I do comedy, you look at these guys, no one has these bills tonight, they do comedy just to get laid. They’re always aggressive, oh yeah I fucking killed. And afterwards I got these chicks and I’m banging em, awesome! I wonder why I do comedy. I don’t think It’s bad. The audience member oh yeah killed with that rite aid joke and wonder how many of these audience balls I can fit In my mouth. I love comedy. Men are just driven by sex. They’re either watching pron or playing video games. Which one do you do, both. Which one, what’s your favorite video game? Do you like call of duty? Call of duty, that’s where you lay on the couch and protect our country while you’re eating a sandwich. Everyone Is obsessed with video games, no you don’t understand technology I can run through a forest I can have sex with a girl I can deal cocain. You know where else you can do that, life, and If you stopped playing call of duty and started cocaine you’d probably have a girlfriend. You have a wife though. Finance, wonderful so happy for you. Um. Are there any toilet babies In the works? 

Crackheads

I do live In Los Angeles now, I don’t know If you have these things In Denver we have, uh on the porch crackheads. These crackheads In my neighborhood are so annoying and they’re always talking to me, hey I saw you on Chelsey lately guess the camera does add ten pounds. You’re bleeding. And how do you have cable? They always act like their In charge. LIke this one always has a fake bluetooth but It’s an old kdin heavy to the core, sticking out to nothing. Like trying to pretend he’s getting shingles. Like parking, backing up, backing up. I’m getting single. Like jimmy what are you doing, hold on hold hon, I’m getting a fax, and then he farted. So. We have this new thing In la the la gang tours, this Is a tour bus 100 dollars  aceat, It takes you through the most dangerous parts of la, and all the gang members have agreed to a ceasefire. It goes past my house, here’s the thing I would love to know who Is on this bus, because you know It’s just a bunch of white people In safari outfits who want to look at the minority through bulletproof glass. Oh Harold I hope we have a bag of crack to feed them. Oh I’ve been dying to see Compton since that nWA song. Why are we glorifying gang culture? If you’re a gang member your main contribution Is spraying painting your Inutile non toher’s people fencing. My coujsin Is this gang rapper, he’s like no Tasha If you put a fat fucking piece up there they think It’s your. I’m like no one thinks you own costco. 

White Rich

What do you like, jonas brothers? He’s like yeah, that’s what she likes. Someone Invited me to a Jonas Brothers concert at 3 In the afternoon. After nap time but before bath time. She’s like yeah. The music Industry Is falling apart, It’s really sad, no one Is buying music anymore. Everyone just downloads It for free, But I look every week country music Is number one. And I think It’s because people who listen to It don’t know how to use the Internet. Toby Keith Is always singing these romantic tales of pedophile. Well she turned 16 and he wants It so bad, you know how them teenagers are. Okay gross. Toby Keith should sing the song he wants to sing., Well she trend 16 and 14 subsection 3 I can finally fuck hell yeah. Does anyone have any questions? This has been really fun, my brother really Is a rapper. I don’t understand, rapper just turn into professional bragger. I had to go to goodwill to get this jacket that’s because I’m In a low Income tax bracket. That would be Interesting., If someone comes up to me, just so you know I have 15 millions dollars In diamonds, Obama won’t stop texitn and everyone wants to fuck me and you’re a bitch. Youtube like what a dick, but If you yell It over an 80s yeah awesome. Because even If you are hip hop rich, you’re so rich, you’re house Is so big you have to take a segway from your dining room to your basketball court you’re still nowhere near as rich as the real rich people, you know the people who ruin the ocean, oh so sorry about that oil spill let me write you a check, what should I write In the memo line, I’ll just write oopsie. Why don’t those people start rapping? In fact, I need a beat, can anyone beatbox here, I heard It, you. C’mon. It’s gonna be great. What’s your name, Bradford j c. let’s relax for a second. Okay give me a beat I need something I can dance to. Hello? We’re ready dj Bradley. I’m done. Gimme, let me do my rap. Alight, give me a beat. Here we go. This goes out to my attorney In the Hamptons, my hedge fudge Is expanding my private jet Is landing, I’m going to the () with my manservant tanning, I want another lawsuit It makes me quite happy, think I’ll go to beach house and take a little nappy, rich ya’ll white rich ya’ll like my oil tanker ruin the ocean yall, like I sue stem cells as lotion y’all I’m rich I’m white rich, when I get bored () my limo has a lobby, oh we were just having fun, I’m rich, I love being rich, If you don’t do what I say I’ll put my pussy on your sideburns. Give It up for bread. Thank you denver! You’re welcome.