My girlfriend’s boyfriend

My girlfriend’s boyfriend

Mike Birlbligia. 

I’m right

Thank you guys. Nice to see ya. 

So a little while ago, everyone I knew started to get married. And that was strange for me, because I don’t really believe in the idea of marriage, and that would be fine, but I have a problem where sometimes when I think that I am right about something, it could be a real source of tension between me and the person I’m arguing with, and the reason it’s a source of tension is because is that I’m right. And so. I distinctly remember talking to my friend Dana, and she goes of course you don’t believe in marriage for you, but of course you believe it for other people. I was like no I think it’s insane for anyone, and she goes why, it’s first of all, it just seems doomed, 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce and that’s just first marriages second 60 to 62 percent end in divorcée ,third marriages 75 percent end in divorce. That’s the learning curve. Second of all monogamy is impossible or at least not a sure thing. 

A sex maybe

I met Jenny in st.louis my friend Andy and I were working for her. We were performing for wrestling coaches, which is really my demographic. I uh, no I was very nervous, I was actually about to go on stage, and I was scrawling notes on a napkin. I get very nervous and I write notes on hotel stationary or a napkin, and jenny looked at me and goes what are you doing? And I said, I was writing myset list. She goes. I think it will be fine. And iI go it won’t be fine, and she goes it will be fine. And I go, why do you think that? And she says, well you look so nervous I think they’ll feel sorry for you. But jenny ahs this really soft sweet voice where she can get away with saying anything. At one point she said, seems like you comedians are a lot funnier on stage. Normally I’d be offended by that, but in their instinct, I was like you are right, you have a point, you are onto something. From the moment I met Jenny I knew I wanted to sleep with her at least once. Stay with me. I mean that in the most meaningful way, that was the most I was capable of in my life at atha toint. I just came up with a long meaningful college relationship with my sweetheart. We were going to get married. And then we weren’t. And then when we weren’t I just swore off the idea of marriage or even living with someone, and from the moment that I met Jenny I just wanted to be with her. And I didn’t think it was going to happen. I didn’t have that kind of confidence. I think of myself, as a sex maybe. LIke if i’m seeing a girl she’d be liek i’d have sex with him mabye… I’m not ashamed of that. There were periods in my life when I was a sex never, and then there were periods when iw as a sex never, and only by self, often. 

Strong, Independent Woman

I’ve been going recently to a women’s exercise class. I’ve given up on having a traditional male physique. So now I’m going for a strong independent woman. It’s going pretty well. You know i’m not as good in the class as you might think. Sometimes I skip whole sections to do more difficult exercises when the instruction isn’t looking. When she looks over I have to strike a pose as if I had been doing whatever everyone else has been doing. It reminds me of the Olympics. You know gymnastics. Those girls will be doing crazy flips and turns and every once and while one of the girls I’m not saying I root for this to happen they’ll fall,and rolla around like I’m in a lot of trouble. But at the end of it, no matter what, they do the stick the landing pose. And I totally fell for it. I’m like that can’t be the same loser from moments ago, that’s completely different. This person is much better posture. I really wanted Jenny to come with me and Angie in St Louis because we were going out to one of those famous Irish pubs where no one can hear you speak and I thought that might be to my advantage. I Didn’t have the nerve to ask her myself, so I asked Andy to ask for us. And, which, yeah I don’t know if that was the best idea, cause we’re heading to the pub. And jenny said, ioh I left my id at the hotel and I say oh we can just swing back and get it,and she said oh it will be fine,a dn I said oh it won’t be fine because it’s’ st patricks’ day and there are bouncers and she goes no it will be okay and I go oh no it won’t’ be. And we got to the club and the bouncers just wavered her through which has not been my experience with vouchers. For me boncoeur are like prison guards and for Jenny they’re like birthday clowns. What can od I do to make your day better. We’re at the pub and taking so much conviction to get Kenny to come out,a dn by the time she came out she thought she was on a date with him. That wasn’t he idea, I had to conceive him to fall away, and the red rockas and space shuttle and she realized she was on a date with me, and she wasn’t happy about hat, but she warmed to me as the night went on because she was drink gin and we swerve laughing and having a good time, but I caught a break which was we shred a ride back to our hotel with one of our friend and we were stuffed in the back sweat together,and she told me she had just come off a long difficult break up and for a movement there in the back seta it felt like we were holding up two halves a broken paper heart and we get back to the hotel and offer to walk her up to her room and we get it to her room and I didn’t want this night to end so I build up the courage to lean in and kiss her, and she say soh no thank you, well that was polite. But idpaintin. There is something about a rejecting kiss. Htat is the most personal type of rejection. You’re really putting yourself out there and we should connect mouths and the other person is like we should not connect mouths, their two very different mouth agendas, aand then you feel so stupid– I shoudl have never suggested we shoudl connect mouths. And 

The scrambler

This is a sore subject for me, I have sort of a long history of failed kisses. I remember growing up when people started making out. In my town in massachusetts it was in 7th grade. I remember I remember like it was yesterday because was shocked. I was like the people we know. Just making we know. How. you know. Seemed like an alien situation with these two aliens just attached orifices all of sudden. and collectively all the girls were like that is fine. You are not on the list, you’re not exactly a first round draft perfect for our new activity, and it still doe kind of. Sometimes you get in these homophobic argument with dudes, “i don’t like itw hen I see two dudes making out int he streets” I feel that way about anyone. Making out is just sloopy; it’s like watching a dog eat spaghetti. In 7th grade I was like I’m not going to make out with anybody. And that was fine. For a while, but increasing it divided the class into two distinct parts, the make out club and the none- make out club, and these were in formal organization, I mean I would be sad if that was school sanction. I call this meeting of the none make out club to order. First order of business nintendo. Second order of bruins why doesn’t anyone like us. Meeting gajoru. I don’t know it’s a sad group and we were losing good guys by the day. And I feared I would be the lone member of the none make out group I had to try to get into the make out club but it was an intangible goal. There was one girl who sat in front of me, liza meinte and I had a huge crush on her but she was way out of my league she had many suitor, the rest of the show is in old english, she doth had manys suitor, she had many adminors. There were three of us,a ndi was in third place in all the trade publications. But I had one advantage: she had to talk on the phone every night, because of alphabetical order, birlzit, biblia. One time I said something on the phone that made her laugh. What happened was great. I got to do that more. And one time we were on the phone and she was laughing so hard, I remember it so well. Because she said Mike you got no stop, I’m goin to pee myself,and I was like wow. This is the glee I’ve ever come to a vagina. So I spent the next 15 years trying to get Liz mine to pee and that’s how I ended up here. That’s how we all ended up here. In a sense. So. so here what’ happened with liza, one time I built up the courage or ask her to go to the carnival with me,and I thought yes, maybe this will be like romantic comedy montage, we’ll go to the cornelia we’ll get stuck at the top of the ferris wheel it will all take a minute and half, it will be set to phil collins song. But I think when you’re 12 years old you don’t understand certain things about your digestive system, you don’t know that you shouldn’t eat peanuts and soda, and cotton candy and then step onto a machine called the scrambler. Cotton candy being the most instan of fates items, basically saying we’re gonna to take sugar which everyone knows is bad and then we’ll dress it up, like insulation. I’m not sure what the selling point is there, is it the sugar out the insulation. Well we already sold. It. for the discinfommation campaign diseemennties. I don’t know if you have the scrambler here in seattle. I imagine you might, it travels on a truck it is a very mobile scanning unit. The premise is very simple. You just sit on a two person pod with the person you are in love with and that pod goes in a circle which is part of a larger circle which is part of an even grander circle. Which as I understand it is designed for a medical device for constant matted patines. It Was called the shits of pants orather. And it was wildly successful, and then it was co opted by the carnivals workers of america CWO. and they said, they said, we like it, but we do think the anime is a little bit of a turn off, and one guy said what about a i’m going to diearotion because it gets across the essence of how you feel when your on the machine. Plus it has the added work play with diarrhea, to the original intention of the machine. But we still the name might be a little bit of a turn off, what about the scalmer, bueca eit scmalers you. And they’re like we get it fried. Fred is a manaica, this guy can’t be stopped but every once and while he has a good idea. But who will be in charge of this dangerou piece of equipment, and this one guy, well I have a nephew whose 16 years old and smokes pot 24 hours a day, I feel like he might be available and they were like he sounds amazing, we don’t even need to interview him he sounds complete qualified. And sit down with Liza on the scamler, and I’m feeling good. She’s snuggling up close to me. I’m thinking, i”m thinking this could be it, this could be where it’s all going to happen. This could happen. And then they put that bar seat belt down. And the bar seatbelt is not a reassuring piece of equipment. It’s not a ralph nader approved, I don’t think it’s saved lives, I think the only thing i’ve done is sort of held someone aside to the pavement making sure they are dead and they cannot talk about the scammer accident, first rule of the scalmlinger accident don’t talk about the sackler accident hta’s from scammer club. I knew from the moment they put the bar seatbelt down that I was going to throw up. For sure. And. I even said to the 16 year old stoner, hey actually , and he was gone. Apparently he doesn’t enjoy the second halves of sentences. So then I’m scrambling. As i’m scamling i’m thinking, I need to come up with a plan of some kind, i’m not going down without a fight. And the first plan was very simple: don’t look at liza, don’t look at any other people, don’t look at liza don’ outlook at any other people don’t’ look at lisza don’t look at any other people. I need a new plan. An. the new plan. I needed to tell the scamliner operator. That he needed to stop the ride, the mechanics of the scrambler are such that the window of opportunity in which one can communicate with the scammer operator is a very limited window. Gotta tell to stop the ride, gotta tell him to please stop the ride, gotta tell him to please stop the ride. I’m not sure he bred me. I gotta say it louder. I’m not sure he’s paying attention. I think he might be smoking pot right now. Third time I said please stop the ride I’m throwin up. And it’s an upscaling sparkline. Popcorn peanuts, insulation, really the pavement, with my homemade carnival salsa. I did not look at liza. Remember she was staring at me, because I was a spectacle at that point. And we did not make sure I did not lose my virginity that evening. 

Cattle Call Dance

Two years later it gets worse. At the st. John’s high school has what they call a cattle call dance. This is all boys high school. They would incite the girls from all over the step to our sweaty st john’s gymnast like cattle. Which is a friendly way to describe women, cattle showing up at eight, we make out with the cattle. Cattle go home at ten, then we go out for a burger, completely separate from the cattle analogy. It was a horrible affair; it was just his room full of sweat and hormones and (). And led zeppelin and making out,and at this point I was the lone member of the none make out club, and it was worse than that, because I had to lie to friends and tell them I had my first kiss because it was this really tough all boys school. And they go have you had your first kiss, yeah like all the time, like very weke, i’d be scared that at some point there would be a follow up question like yeah what’ it like, oh like likcing an ice cream cone, oh no it’s not it’s like sucking on a rocket poop aahh used the wrong analogy. I’m at the dance, and i’m flaked my friend Sam richiari. And we danced with these two girls and they were the last two girls at the dance they were like moooo. We were like moooo. And thens am says one of these phrases that we’ve all heard but it is very uncomfortable to repeat, you get that one. Which I know is a terrible phrase but i’m comfortable saying it because I know i’ve been on the negative end of that conversation, where a girl says of me, you get that one, and her friend oph. Or even worse, like you owe me, which really hurts, thinking of someone occurring debt based on my appearance. I would hate to hurt someone’s credit score, and he goes you get that one, and I get fast dancing with this girl sandra, to young mc’s bust a move, and i’m not great at sast dancing but there is a strobe light going so it’s only catching me one out of 5 frames. So she’s losing interesting but at one fifth the speed. And I’m saved by a slow song, stairway to heavy which is a classic make out anthem. What’s great about slow dancing you can’t really mess it up because it’s really just a slow motion hug, the only way you can mess it up is just like fast dancing in the middle of it, what are you doing I don’t think I get social cues. But it’s such a long song, stairway so I’m trying not to digitize. I’m kind of a fidget person. I feared if I fidgeted too much I would iniati the head tilt too early, I didn’t know anything about making out. I saw it before, there was a head tilt, and tongues inwood. And there was some kind of space between the two mouths. To me that was the mysterious part of the whole thing,what is happening in that space, there is no, you know no video documentation of that area, it’s like the giant squid making out, no one has seen it alive, just washed up on the shore. Which is more specific to the squid side of that analoge. So trying not to gidge with one and half minutes left in the stairway to heaven the song hits that crescendo. All around me, kids started to tilt, just a harvest of teenages makingout around, I was like oh no. I don’t want to be alien anymore, and I make the slightest titl and Sandra comes in strong and then it’s’ all out mouth war. She had atterial because she had braces, it was like a dog eating spaghetti and the fork. As tis oral attroacy is taking place, all I can think is i’m not alone anymore, i’m not in the none make out club, and all I wanted to do was tell my friends, and I couldn’t because up until that point I lied and said I had my first kidd, walked off the dance floor and sam was like how did it go dude, same as always. Pretty smooth. As the week wore on I tried to convince myself that maybe it did go well and this could bud into a relationship of some kid, but I got her number from tom, an those conversation ended up being very breig, we didn’t have a lot to talk about, I just remember being like, hey you like full house? Me neither cool alright later. I remember getting this bive from ehr like why are you calling me, and I remember thinking oh I’m probably reading into that one too much,and then she stopped calling her back, and then I thought I read into that one perfectly. And I just felt dumba about the whole thing, until one day I was standing by my locker with my friend tom, and I said hey what’s going on with Sandra she hasn’t called me back, and tom has this knowing grin on his face. And i’m like what, and toms’ nothing, and i’m like aht and toms like nothing. And I’m like what, toms like oh, I talked to Sandra, and she said you’re the worst kisser, shes’ ever kissed. And it was so devastating cause not only was it probably true, I couldn’t even explain to my friend why it was true. I couldn’t say, that makes sense. I’ve never done that before, so instead I had to play it off, yeah that sounds about right, I’m a terrible kisser, that’s kind of my thing. 

You seem cool

So I lean to kiss Jenny and she says oh no thank you. She agreed to go out with me in New York. We were both living in New York and she agreed to give me her number, and from that point on she would be at a jenn Irish pub, nice. Few weeks later I took her out of a restaurant that I couldn’t afford to show her how much money I could put on my credit card, and she said to me, everyone hates me at work,and I said why would they hate you? I love you. She goes, you love me. I go, I mean you seem cool. I pulled it back. I didn’t want to show all my cards. Just about nine of them. One of the other things of note she said on this date was sometimes, i’ll date two people at once, so i’m never let down by one person,and I said, that seems like a really smart plan, like i’d like to do that as, and she said, i’m still kind of seeing my ex boyfriend john and she said you can see other people as well, just tell me. You’re seeing them alright, sounds like a plan got it., break. I gotta go find some more people. Few nights later, I was in another city and I did a show, and after the show I ended up making out with this random girl, and a few nights later i’m at dinner with jenny. And she says how was your trip, I said it was great, I did some shows and one night I ended up making out with a random girl. And that didn’t go over very well. I could sense in the conversation, and I’m right about that. I was supposed to tell you that that happened, and she says but it doesn’t mean that I won’t lose interest in you. And I said, well that’s a whole new clause! That’s a twist, what is this a romantic comedy version of the usual suspects. I said are you you still seeing John, and she said well sometimes, and I said well don’t you see the contradiction in that, and she said yes. And it get very quite. Because we were falling in love. 

Winter in Bermuda

Three weeks into my relationship with jenny I built up the courage to ask her on a trip to Bermuda. I wanted to show her how much more money I could put on my credit card. And we went to Bermuda. It was the off season and you can get these great deals online and it turns out when it’s winter in New York it’s also winter. In Bermuda, and uh. Jenny and I meet up in the airport and she’s late, and that’s a big pet peeve of mine, I fancy myself as a professional traveler, I have my packet of ticket and passport and I have laceless moskal and I never tell jokes about bombs, and jenny is late, and i’m not making this up she doesn’t have a license or a passport and I said what do you mean I say how do you travel, and she said usually they let me on the plane with my credit card and work id. I don’t like to dwell on the differences between men and women I just can’t imagine a scenario where a man would go to an airport without a passport and they would let him on a plane but women get a pass on things like this that I find completely bewildering if I were in charge of al qaeda, what I would do, is I would recruit attractive women because they’re just not stopped under any circumstances, though it would be difficult to recruit them is all they have to offer is the 72 virgins, and women wouldn’t want that, unless they’re lesbians. There’s An idea, al quiada. Al quiada could recruit hot lesbians, then they’d have to guarantee that the 72 virgins are also lesbian. All 72 virgins are also lesbians unless you think of sexuality as like a blank slate concert, and the 72 virgins are like “I didn’t eve know I was a lesbian, until I had sex with that hot lesbian terrorists, and now that’s all I’m into. I jested to be into these afganie guys, they would die in a plane crash to have sex with me and 71 of my friend, but now I don’t see kahlid in the same way anymore” the point is we went to bermuda. And we’re on the flight, and the flight attendant puts over and she puts champagne glasses in front of us,and says congrats on your honeymoon. And, we said oh no thanks we’re not on our honeymoon, and jenny says oh that’s so funny I don’t think i’d ever go on a honeymoon and I go oh really why and she goes OH I don’t think i’ll get married in my life, and I say oh really why is that based on a principal or did you have a bad relationship like what was your first boyfriend like, she told me about her first boyfriend bryan and they were at the same bus stop when they were 15 and they would make out on the bus and they were together for six year and their relationship got deeper and they would talk about how they were going to get married and spend the rest of their lives together, nad isaid and then what, and she said then he died, and is aid do you ever talk about this with anyone and she says no, I don’t really like to talk about it. But those were the kind of conversations that we were having on this trip where Jenny was opening up to me and I was opening up to ehr, and at one point I said we should do this again, go on trip and you can get an incense or a passport. And Jenny said that sounds great but I don’t think I’d get a license or a passport and I was like yeah but it’s the law, and Jenny said yeah I don’t think I’ll get one because they don’t make me get one, that’s how I feel. That’s how Jenny argues things sometimes, she’ll just say that’s how I feel and I’ll say that’s not an argument. We’re not even in an argument right now because you don’t have an argument. She’ll say I just won that argument. And I’ll say that’s not even possible, based on the defiance of what an argument is, and she’ll say I just won that argument again, that’s how I feel. You can see how that can be a little bit maddening. On the final day of the trip we got in an argument about essentially nothing. She noticed there was a basketball court where we should play and she said yeah but not like a guy and she said why, and I said oh because I would win, and she said oh I think I’d win. And I said oh well I think id’ win, and I know the thing i’m suppose i’m to say is that oh I don’t win, and then let her win but I don’t have that in mine. And Jenny goes you don’t have it, let me win, and so we went out and played basketball and kicked her ass . it was just like, and one and one, I was having a good day,but still I was just dwts trying her, and at one point she said, I have never met someone who is so obsessed with the score,. And I said, the score is what makes it a game. After arguing about this over lunch. Two or three in the morning about essentially nothing, and I don’t understand why you are so obsessed with being right,and I got I’m not obsessed with it, I just am. I said hey do you think you’re right, and she said’ show how I feel’. I said if you think i’m so wrong, I said why are you even with me? And Jenny says, you can’t choose who you love. Which is true, but it doesn’t mean it’s good. 

My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend

Remember the first time I fell in love was in high school and it was that first time you fell in love and it was like, that’s it, I found her, I’m 17 years old and I’m done. Her name was Amanda and she was adorable and funny, and what was funny for me was that she was like a delinquent, and I was this play by the rules school citizen. She had been exiled from her previous school for dealing acid, which I thought was a really strong quality at one point she was like, it was totally messed up because it was like, not even me it was this other girl and I was framed, and I was like awesome like no one ever framed me for anything, I just, I thought it was like an opposite attracted, like she wanted to know what it was like to hang out with someone in student government who writes for the newspaper. I wanted to know what it was like to be cool. At one point she was like do you want to write an article for the newspaper?” She was like I don’t want to write an article, I want to do things people write about.” I liked the good answer. I find that when you fall in love you tend to overlook certain red flags. One of them was that she would say really mean stuff to me, but then she would pull it back. No one likes you at all only kidding. Or like, your like a nerd but your not even smart, just joking., can’t choose who you love. Second red flag with amand was that she was a liar. I don’t mean that in an offensive way. Lying was like a sport in the school I was at. I transferred from an all boys school to a co ed school and there was this one boy in my class named Keith Roberts and he was a legendary liar you would know when he was lying because he would lick his finger like a bookie and he would date his eyes from side to side, and would go yeah yeah nice nice. He wasn’t even handling money like I don’t even know. What this is about, and then he would lie about things that are insignificant like yeah my uncle is Tony Roberts motivational speaker. Yeah nice. You know, we found out that wasn’t even true, but even if that was true it wouldn’t be impressive to a bunch of high school students, but I think that the jedi lies about little stuff and then no one notices when you lie about big stuff. It’s like banking. The final red flat with Amanda was that she told me that she wtol me not to tell anyone that she was my girlfriend. I know, I’m in the future also. I think we can all see now. That we’re so smart and mike’s so dumb, no I can also see in retrospective that that’s a much bigger red flag tan I eprciepved it to be at the time but I still was excited that she was with me at all, she said she had another boy friend at home, but it was bad time because his paretns were in the process of sick. And I went along with for a few months until she invited me to meet her parents, and I thought well this is the affirmation that I need, I’m going to crowned as the main boyfriend, and I drive my moms’ station wagon to her house and I walk in the front door, and there’s’ Amanda, dn there’s her parents and it’s going well, and a few hours go by and this other boy comes over to her parent house, and his name is scoot. I’m assuming he’s a family friend or a relative slowly I’m noticing similarities between scott and her other boyfriend. They’re both in their first year of college, competitive wrestler. And it’s dawning on me that I’m hanging out with my girlfriend’s boyfriend. I think it’s going pretty well. He seemed like a nice guy I could totally see what she saw in him, there was some consolation that when he would go in the other room she would hold on to my hand and say I wish it was just you and me here.” I remember thinking, you could make that happen. Way she said was as though she wasn’t involved in the decision process. Like I’d love to but the boys in corporate. Well the day took an even stranger turn when Scott suggested that we go hang out at his house, and I met his parents. It is ingidstgiest, meeting your girlfriend boyfriends parents for the first time, part of you is angry for obviously but part of you still wants to make a good impression. Maybe if this goes well she’ll see that I’m good with adults in general. As a side note, his parents seemed in perfect health. At one point his dad even said to me, how do you know Amanda. I said we’re just friends from school, so ashamed, and adults are dumb and I drove home and I remember thinking I am never going to let this happen ot me again. 

What’s he doing here?

So. Ten months into my relationship with jenny she invites me to meet her parents. And this is a tricky time at this point the relationship was intense but caslus aladn that’s a dangerous relationship cocktail. And it was hard to organize because I was away probably five days out of the week and so we found a Sunday where I was coming back from a 5 day stint in texas, which was awful because it was in Texas, which isn’t to say that I dislike texas entirely it’s’ such a large thing to dislike, me. But that week it felt like Texas just disliked me, and I just kind of disliked it back to the point that developed a small drinking problem, which is very popular in Texas. I was performing in a comedy and I love comedy clubs, but they’re kind of a high low entertainment proposition in some ways they’re kind of hate bastions of free speech, and then some of them sell dildo straws. Fifteen bachelorette parties, and they’re handing out gummy penises, that’s actually a thing, and I didn’t even realize that was part of the female fantasy of the penis, the fummy quality of the penis. I feel like if I was in charge of the codification of the penis, I’d be a hard candy and then if you suck it down to the gummy part you kind of put that off to the side, but that’s not my job. I’m. I leave that to the experts. I just do the comedy part. Buti was, perform at this club all week, and after a show I was approached by one of these bachelorette parties that had one of these novelty sexual checklist things, and I had been drinking all week, and I always stay to be a team player whatever I can do to help, I don’t’ see how this can end badly, and the next morning I wake up in my hotel room, and I’m all groggy and I run to the airport to my filth and I’m still 2 hours early, and I land in New York and get a cab and go to jenny parents house, and I walk in the front door and there jenny and there are her parents, and there is her other sort of ex boyfriend john. And he wasn’t front and center he was just in the pool waving doing laps kind of thing. But I pulled Jenny aside, and I asked, “What is John doing here? And she says he and I aren’t still together but when we were together he became friend with my step dad and he’s being staying here at their house for the last couple week, and I said that’s not good I feel like that’s give him the edge, and jenny is staring at me, and I say what, and she says, you have a hickey on your neck. And say I don’t think that’s true. And then flake in the mirror next to me, and razlike I do in fact have a hickey on my neck and say i’m really sorry and she says where is that from, and I say there is this bachelorette party and I was drunk and that sentence never comes out right, there is no way to deliver that line in away that makes seem even okay and we start arguing and it goes all the way back car and didn’t have a leg to stand on well what about john what is he doing here, and she said you have a hickey on your neck and I said at least I told you the truth and she said yeah eventually and eventually is better than ever, and then she kneed me in the ball I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced this before i’m sure half of you have not. It’s like being electronic except you don’t get to die, you want to die, but you can’t and there is a person in your face saying you deserve this, which they wouldn’t even do in eletronica. Because they would deem that as inhumane. Even, in texas. 


Jenny says I think we should just break up, it’s not just things, you know your away a lot of the time, and you work at night and I work in the day. I just don’t think it’s’ goin to work out. And I said okay. We’ve been apart for six months but I kept resisting calling her cause I wanted to give her space. Every once in a while I’d get a text message from Jen, an Irish pub, nice, and it would just say, hi. And i’d write back hi. It was the smallest form of communication two people could have but I think about some ways it kept us together, finally on news years I caved and I said hey I really miss you and I want to see you and we met for coffee and we hit it off. Just like we used to and we decided we’d get back together, I took her to get a license and passport. First I took her to get a social security card and then we took that to the dmv, and then we maield all of that to the government it was like a triple crown of identification. Jenny was wildly identifiable. One night she was heading back from her apartment to hers, and she stopped and I said what. And she says I think that we should live together. And I said , I really don’t think that’s a good idea, I just decided that as a principal I don’t want to get married or live with someone, and she says well unless we live together I just dont’ think it’s goin to work out, cause we just don’t see each other enough, and we don’t stand a chance. That’s how I feel. So we moved in together. 

The Argument

One day jenny gets an invitation to the wedding of one of her friends and she invites me to come along. And is aid oh no thanks. That doesn’t go over so well. Cause she says why,and I say as you know I buy into marriage and so I don’t buy into the flamingo boy pageant that goes along with celebrating it. She said, well what do you believe in?” I said I don’t know. She said, wel if you don’t believe in anything, how can you not believe in marriage. And said , well first of all, it just doesn’t seem necessary that marriage is an archaic institution invented in the middle ages based on exchanging property. I don’t want to be a part of that. Second of all I don’t think that we even have a common cultural understand of marriage ven is, I mean one of andy friend is about to get engaged and we were skeptical, and said are you sure that is the person you want to be with for the rest of your life, and he says yeah I think so, well what if she gets in a car accident and she gets disfigured would you stay with her then, and he says maybe. That is not an acceptable answer. Third of all, if I’m so in love, why does it need to be written in a government contract? And I’m not one of these “ion’ who want government over my people” . I think the government does a nice job, delivering the mail and suggesting I don’t eat poison. I just don’t understand why they need to be involved in my personal relationship. And last if marriage is religious, shouldn’t’ I believe in the religion. I’ve been to more weddings where the people at the altar don’t believe in the religion of the church they’ve invited us to. Some of them even go to classes with the praise in advance to further elago or lie about believing in a religion they don’t believe in because they don’t know when it is going to feel fulfilled. That’s insane, that’s how I feel. So I will explain this to jenny. Jennys ays, well if you ever did want to get married. I would marry you. And, I said. Why aren’t you listening to any of this? And Jenny says, that’s how I feel. 

I have Wheels!

At this point it was five in morning and we had been arguing all morning, and I had to catch a glitch at 620 am, out of newark airport to los angeles for a show I was doing tonight at what point I’ve over tired and I’m late and I was stuffin my things in my roller suitcase and I walks out of my apartment it’s five am that power to the morning before the earth even exist s before they program the earth. Part of the road isn’t even there, a guy with a laptop needs a road stat. What’s the code for building, and when you get to the airport the news hasn’t even started yet, it’s just an anchor looking around. What are you up to? And I get another kiosk and I print my ticket and bring it to the security lady and she looks at it and she goes, well that ain’t’ your gate. I get they changed the gate but the way she said it as though I had participated in the decision, well I was not involved I wasn’t even ccd as though I had been to kisiko and gone B22? Like hell am I flying out of b22. And then, photoshopped my own ticket and printed it up and this is where I’m going. I’m not that aggressive as a traveler. So where is this gate? It’s in another terminal. You gotta take a tram, and I start walking the roller suitcase and I hear, well you better run. Sounded like I was late, so I started running and the roller suitcase does not enjoy running. The roller suitcase is like I don’t want to run, I have wheels, and I also don’t want to run but this is what we have to do. I’ll tell you what. When we get to the hotel I’ll walk you in circles for a few hours. I get to the tram and it has that feature where it says how many minutes until the next tram arrives and I was like perfect. That’s exactly how long I want to wait but the tram is riding away . that’s negative one minute. Then it says ten minutes and I’m experiencing the psychological downward spiral like ho great I’m going to miss my flight then i’m going tmissvery flight from now on, and I’m going to miss my family reunion a, dn not going to have a family and i’m oging to be a crack whote and all of sudden I’m a fcrack whote but it’s just because I missed this one flight and I can feel the cancer forming in my body. In real time. I get on the next tram 10 minutes later and I runo the gate, and I’m sweating and out of breath and I’m so relieved that I sit down at the chair at gate 4 3and I fall asleep. And I wake up, to the sound of the doors shutting and I jump up, and the door closes and I am sad. The happy side is having an airplane and pilot. The sad side is me and the Cinnabon lady. Normally i’d be very excited if it were me and cinnabun lady big fan of apsteile the size of a baby and have enough calories for a year, bu tint eh instance, indeed someone who could communicate with the people on the plane, and the cinnabun lady is not very well connected in the airplane community. Iw as like do you know these people, she was like all I know is the wthie stuff goes on the side. 

The Culinary Way of Describing

I ran up to the giant glass window and started pounding on the gian glass window like a romantic comedy– like the Drew Barrymore character came back. She didn’t come back and I missed my flight and I got on the next one they could get me on and it was a stop over in Texas. I feel about Texas. I could go to Los Angeles late at night. I missed my show and I had never missed a show before. I’m so angry, and Jenny is calling me and I’m so angry and I’m blaming this entire day on her. I get back to my friend and house and I say this relationship is messing up my entire life, and he says you’re right. I know. I’m right, yeah your right. I know I’m right, and I drive out of Andy’s small road, and I’m boned. That’s the culinary way of describing it. One and half seconds I spun around and I’m thinking I’m dead. I’m paralysed. And then I hear nothing, then I hear the other car skid out and drive away. Twenty minutes later I’m sitting on the curb at this point the police have arrived as well as my friend Andy, and at this point I’m crying. You know how when you drop a baby on the ground and it doesn’t. It doesn’t start crying right away, it doesn’t understand the concept of dropping a baby on the ground and then it sees your face and then it’s like oh I should be doing something that matches that. I’m crying. Because i’m looking at my totaled car in front of me, in that moment I might have ceased to exist. Like I said earlier, I don’t really believe in anything so math would have been the end. Every kiss or near kiss or scrambler ride would have come to a conclusion. The officer comes over and says what happened I got hit by this car, and then I heard nothing and then I heard the other car skid out and drive away. The officer points over to the light the other car has veered over to the right and into a tree, I can’t help but think that’s karma, that’s a hit and run and hit. And then the officer puts this form in my face, and he says sign this, and I say well what is this, he says it means you’re okay and we can leave. I’m really shaken up and I say I don’t know if I can sign it, and then he says just sign it. Which is a very unattractive quality, when someone just repeats a command that you’ve said no to. It’s very unattractive but very effective. You know, it’s signed it. Aandy takes me to the hospital just as a precaution, but it takes us two hours because the other driver had a beast up sphere. And eventually what andy says to me, well was the other guy drunk, and the doctor says well I can’t answer that, and andy goes well was he? He used the technique we learned earlier. And it works. The doctor goes, well he’s headed to jail and then we flash each other a look like the hardy boys, case closed. Few hours later we’re back at Andy’s house and I have one of the apparatus that people sometimes have, and I say I need to call Jenny and tell her we need to get married. And andy says, mike, sleep on it. And I said no no this makes perfect sense, and he puts his hand over the phone dn say smoke, sleep on it. He save me. 

The Accident Report

The next morning I fly back to New York and a few weeks later, I get a call from my rental agency saying that the accident report came back on the accident I just described. And it had foden me at fault,am that I owned 12000 dollar on the reports of rht other drivers suv. And I explained to the woman I think it’s a misunderstanding and the other guy was clearly drunk and it was definitely not my fault, and she was like I’m very sorry but unless they change the accident report> I’m going to show you the actual report tonight. I Don’t know if the people listening on the album who do not see this, you guys can confirm this is an actual accident report we have projected on the screen. I Don’t know if you’ve ever seen one of these things before, it’s a little bit like homework for hopes, and officer Tomson is not so good with the homework. He consistently mixes up passenger one and passner two an d bheinical one and bhiecnila 2, at one point so badly, that v1, that’ sme, started to go, but all of a sudden v1 that’s me also, came at high rate of speed crashing into him, now I’m pretty self destructive as a person but I, never crash into my own car. With my own car, nor would I understand how you can do that. This part is even crazier. The other driver stated in the accident that I was on vehince going ahh, I’m not too sure, I was going away from the beach, I was driving, I don’t know what happened. Did I hurt anyone? I don’t know where I was going. But I came from home. I had a sip of beer. Which is really everyone’s favorite quantity of beer. Just the one sip, right, that’s what they serve at the home slash beafh slash pub. All this in mind, the office makes one key mistake he checks the boys that find me at faults so I need to get officer timson on the phone, but the problem is that he keeps ducking my calls, and I know, cause I’m calling two or three times a day, calling department next to his department, and he knows that I’m calling. And finally after a month of this I get him on the phone and I’m so relieved I explain this misunderstanding and he listens to me, and says, do the right thing, and pay for the guy’s car. I know, and that’s what I said, aren’t you listening to any of this, this guy was clearly drunk and nearly killed me, inches from where he hit, and I would be dead right now. And just as one human being to another, he says do the right thing and pay for the guy’s car. And at this point it stops being about money, it’s about stopping a man who has no regard for people or the law, this is Chinatown. So I start printing google maps of the scene of the accident and california driving law, and i’m on the phone with lawyers and private investor and there is only one lawyer would take the case and he says did you have any loss of income from the accident and is aidno, and he says did you have any loss of income front eh accident? And said no. This isn’t about money. And doesn’t’ take the case. And this is when is go completely bad, I’m up till five am every night just sifting the web and I get a subslitpin to a site called net detective dot come, and it’s a great site for veligianet who have 29.95 so now I know this guy’s name I know where he lives, I know what he does for a living, and in my mind it becomes a trailer for revenge thriller like Jim bosner thought he was going to get away with this., but jim boser has another thing coming. Birbiglia I’m going to track down Jim boser and I’m goin to sue, I’m going to sue the entire loss angels police department. And at this point people stop talking to me entirely and my friend would call and be like hey what’s going on OH I’ll tell you what’s going on. And they’d be like you should get a lawyer this way past lawyers. A lawyer wouldn’t even touch this. 

Way Past Lawyers

The only person who would talk to me at this point was jenny. One night we went out to dinner at a restaurant, island. I wasn’t listening because I was writing ideas I had for the case, on my napkin. I had drawn a diagram of the intersection and the angles the cars were coming from and to, and the lanes, and the laws the other driver broke. And the phone numbers I was going to call that week, and I was so angry I was writing over my own handwriting, and I was ripping through the napkin, and Jenny looked at me and said what are you doing? And I said this is my case. And she said why don’t’ you work on that in the morning, and she said well which part of the napkin don’t’ you understand. Jenny says, mike, you’re right. But it’s only hurting you, and I’m just so glad you’re alive, and I think I should focus on that. And she only has to say it once. And I give up the case. And I pay for this guy’s car. July 7th 2007 Jenny and I went to city hall and got married. I still didn’t believe in the idea of marriage. And still don’t. But believe in her. And I’ve given up on the idea of being right. Thank you guys so much.

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