Todd Barry – From Heaven

Todd Barry – From Heaven

Working With Me

Todd Barry about to happen. Comedy studio. Ladies and gentle, please welcome to the comedy studio, Todd Barry. Heheh, thank you. Let’s hear it for all the comedians that went on before me, shall we? Must be exciting for those young comics to work with me, it is, not be an asshole or anything, semi-famous, somewhat borderline respected. They get to talk in that yellow Cambridge café, hey man, you get to work with Todd Barry, that’s so cool. And it’s exciting for me as well, no it is. I got back to New York and talked to my comedian friends. They’re like, who you work with in Cambridge, some local dicks I don’t know. Just throw some people up there, I don’t have time to deal with that. You know what I mean Chris Rock. Then I high five Chris Rock. Non Stop high fiving between me and Chris Rock. That’s the bulk of my day, in New York, high fiving Chris Rock. He never gets tired of it. He’s like, Todd I’m more successful than you, but I still have a lot of time to high five you. I know you do. You can tell I’ve never really high fived. It doesn’t make that noise. Hey let’s dive into my act shall we? 

Leaking, Looking for an apartment, Fried Looking for an apartment

I live in New York city, I had a leak in my apartment, there was some brown liquid pouring out of my ceiling. I called a plumber, I was like hey what is that. He was like don’t worry it’s not shit water. Oh. thank you. For putting that into layman’s terms. Cause it’s been a while since I’ve been to vocational school. I didn’t quite know how to put it, but you nailed the essence of what I was worried about, that it might be shit water, but it’s not, it’s just a mysterious brown liquid, pouring from a light bulb. Form my upstairs negither’s bathroom, if it happens again I still might get eletrocquie, but I will not get old Jeremy. Cause as we have established, but it is not a shit invested water. I was looking for a new apartment. I went to a realtor. He was telling me about this place. He was gonna show me this place. I’m goin to show you it is great. It’s right across from Sarah Jessica Parker’s townhouse. Oh. that is very convince. Or all my Sarah Jessica Parker needs. Finally she and I can work out our differences, without having it spring for taxi fare. Woman I know was looking of a place to live, a roommate situation, she found a listing online it said “female roommate wanted must not be homophobic” she goes there meets a guy, it’s a one room apartment, two beds right next to each other, she talks to him finds out he’s a male prostitute. I just love that that was his screening question. Are you homophobic no that’s good. Cause I do have sex for money all day long, two inches from where you sleep. Hey do you have a problem with small pet,s no that’s good, cause I use they kitchen as a cock fighting ring. 

Guy who needs help, Been to NYC?, Driving with friend

I was in a taxi in New York, there was a guy giving directors to the car, he was like “hey man get over here quickly, i could use a little help in the nose department” I was like please don’t tell me that was your secret code for bring cocaine, i could use a little help in the nose department. The eagle has not landed yet, and when he does I hope he has something in his little claws from the nose department. I could also use a little help from the there ain’t’ quite enough heroine in my veins department. While I got you on the line, I could use a little assistant. My computer hard drive could hold another gigabyte of pictures of the young boy department. I could do that joke with any crime. Mail fraud you got it! I could use a little help in that I want to make my own stamps at home, using just crayons and construction paper, department. That’s it. I can do a mail fraud joke people. Like no one’s business. I was out of town and I asked this woman I met if she’d ever been to New York City. She said oh yeah I drove through there once. Oh. Where are you headed where the directions include, drive through New York city. Alright you’re going to come to a fork in the road, you don’t want to go right because that’s a major highway, go straight three miles an hour, through the most congested city in the country, and promise you won’t pull over because there is nothing going on there. Who approaches New York City for the first time and is not curious enough to pull over, whose like oh my god what do we have here, kind of a different vibe here. Should we pull over and walk around, no, New Hampshire awaits. I was in a car with a friend of mine. I had never been in a car with him before. I looked over. He’s not wearing his seat belt. I was like hey man why don’t you put that on, he was like you know Todd I’m not really a seatbelt guy. Oh I’m sorry I didn’t mean to shove my quirky taste down your throat. I don’t really enjoy sushi, you don’t enjoy reducing the chance of  crushing your head through a windshield. Different strokes. That was a little preachy and heavy handed, I apologize. 

Preachy Singer, English washer, Alabama, pittsburgh

I was at a bar in Los Angeles, listening to a singer, and after one of her songs she goes “you know I keep getting parking tickets, After I get a [parking ticket i go, god i just hope they give this money to the homeless. Yeah I guess they could or you could learn how to read no parking sign, pretend you got the cricket anyway and write a check directly to the homeless. There is no connection between the homeless problem and your shitty parking. I’ve been touring all over, I went to England, I did, they have these great things in England, these washer dryer combos, one unit it’s great. Throw the clothes in, push a few buttons four and half hours later you got a nice laid of soaking wet clothes, that probably aren’t even clean. I was all excited to work in London, after every show someone came up to my show “we sure did enjoy you, we’re visiting from south Carolina” nice. I tour the south though I do, i love touring the south. Some people up north are afraid of the south. I’ll tell someone I did a show in Albania, they’ll be like oh my god, what was that, like, you know, a chair microphone. I’m sorry I know what you’re looking for. I’ll tell you what it was like. Well I flew into Birmingham, the imperial wizard from the clan picked me up from the airport, rode to the club on the back of an old mule. Tried to get a joke out over the shouts of Jew boy go home, at the end of the night, is said where’s my check they said you’re not getting a check, you’re getting this bag of pork reins. Was that the answer you were looking for, you narrow minded fake liberal fuck. I did a show in Pittsburg woman came up to me after the show all smiling, she was like oh my god you were so much funnier live than you are on comedy central. I just wanted to say I bet your comments are better television. Maybe you can get your own show on the new backhanded compliment network. 

Birthdays, Challenge, cambridge, Noodle Gift

Sometimes someone will come up to me before a show, and be like, “hey it’s my friends birthday, can you rag on them?” I always thought that was a ballsy request. Hey i know you had a show planned but ah, something came up. Something came up? Something important i hope, like a total strangers birthday, how’d ya guess, oh i don’t know the annoying way you approached me. And the fact that it happens 200 times a year, but I will go backstage and I’ll start writing. It’s a half hour material enough on your friends birthday, because that’s what I got on a flight to Arizona. Cause I was totally jazze3d at he possible that someone i don’t give a fuck about, that they might be celebrating that everyone else celebrates. What I’m saying is that it’s his night not mine. I did a show at a comedy club. This couple walked out after five minute. Not only did they walk out, they called the club manager while I was on stage. Oh that guy was an awful man, I wanted to challenge him comedically. But my wife held me back. Kind of made me wish they stayed, just to witness that once. Guy stands up, I challenge you comedically. The wife grabs him, NO HONEY. Not again. Remember when we went to that play? And you wanted to challenge that actor theatrically. You got your ass handed to you. You install drywall for a living honey. Stay out of show business. Remember when we went to that palace with all the different cultures, you wanted to challenge them anthropoligical. Remember when we hunt out with those philosophies and you wanted to challenge them ontologically. I don’t know what those words mean, I just looked up philosophy terms in google, and it popped right up. Yeah I did know what I means cause I’m a bright guy. That’s why Cambridge is the only city I’m comfortable performing in. I’m going to move here, and only perform at this club, and not just because it’s also a Chinese restaurant. Which is now revealed to the people at home, holy shit toddy, a Chinese restaurant, yes, it’s good for press. Todd I gotta ask here, Todd why a Chinese restaurant why not I could see it out. I can sell outa Chinese restaurant let’s record in Chinese restaurant. It’s all about selling out. I can sell out virtually any Chinese restaurant. Boy Todd, what about one in China, alright you got me on that one. The chances of me selling out a Chinese restaurant in China are astronomical. Don’t bet on me, selling out Saigon. How is the food here? I noticed they took your away and returned it. While I should have been preparing my act I noticed they uh, what was wrong with your noodles. Hmm. a gift. Oh my god. A gift of half a plate of noodles. Well happy birthday to you. It was really a gift. No time to explore that story. Must be a good friend. Not so good that they’d want to sit anywhere near you. Alright let’s kick back into it. I know she’s still laughing about it. We’ll plug her laugh into the jokes that didn’t work. I think we can do that. We’ll plug her one laugh in. 

Prairie Dog, Sweet Shop

Been to dc, Washington DC? Yeah, national capital. I went there and went to the zoo. By myself, I am attuned to seeing pandas. I followed the signs to the panda, and right before the pandas there is an exhibit of prairie dogs. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a prairie dog but they are a-dor-ably. They are staggeringly cute, they are unbelievably cute, just jaw dropping. I saw the prairie dogs, and then I saw the panda, and I was like oh that’s cool, but I kind of want to see more prairie dogs. And then realized what I must be like to be in a show where I am the opening act. It’s like I came here to see the pandas, gotta leave talking about the prairie dogs. You guys sort of got that one. That joke works about every 45 times I tell it. I love staying at hotels, I always look up the hotel before I go there, to read these traveler reviews that people write. I’m staying at a hotel in Seattle. This woman wrote this review and said that she didn’t like the hotel because the soap there smelled too sweet. I can understand going to a hotel smelling the soap going oh wow that smells a bit sweet. I don’t understand taking the next step, running over your laptop, logging on cause you want to warn other travelers, about the scary hotel with the candy scented soap. But I did email this woman because I had a hot top on a hotel in Ohio where the hand soap smelled to gingery. 

Myspace, unbelievable Question, Guy who reads email, UF

You guys on the myspace huh, I’m on the myspace why not, I’m only 43. Sometimes i get a myspace friend request it says set to private, it’s like alright, 16 year old tommy from Louisville, playing a little close to the vest. I have to approve your friend request tin order to find out that you think strawberry pop tarts totally rule. It’s’ kind of secret you can’t just share with anyone, only someone willing to invest the time to click the mouse once, before never thinking about you again. I learned a lot reading those myspace profiles, like for example i didn’t know that movie Donnie Darko was the greatest movie ever made. I mean I remember seeing it and liking it, but I don’t remember it being the absolute greatest. I have a website it’s’ got my email address on it, so I get questions from all over the country. I get unbelievable questions like dear Todd, I’m going to see your show on Friday, do you know how old you have to be to get into that club? I don’t know, do you wanna maybe call the club with that one, instead of writing directly to the artist, do you think Mick Jagger gets emails like that? Dear Mike, I’m going to see you at Madison Square Garden next week. I’m going to have leave straight from work. Not going to have time to get anything to eat, do you know how much why charge for a hot dog, also I haven; get there in a while, can you map quest me directions mcgauer from the rolling stones. Mc at rolling stones dot com, oh man just gave out McGarry real email address. He’s’ going to be in the hotel room later, Keith got over here, I just got a sudden influx of emails, from Cambridge, oh Massachusetts. How does that happen Keith, Keith I have another question why are we sharing a hotel room, we’re both billionaires, it’s curious. It’s curious Keith that we’re sharing a hotel room, when we’re billionaires, we’re not sweating it anymore Keith. Some people really appreciate my accent work, no I do accent work, like if you see a Hugh Grant movie, and he has a sore throat that day. You guys believe em like holy shit that’s a good gig. It Sounds easy enough just to drop in the key. Good on you. Some people write me an email, dear Todd or whoever reads Todd’s emails. Oh yeah, I got a guy doing that. I pay a college kids to read Todd’s emails for him, that’d be a good gig for a college kid. With all due respect Mr. Barry you get seven emails a day. You’re correct and I’ve only gotten six today, back to work. I went to college at the University of Florida. I said that recently someone went to a bar, I said why are you booing, Florida State man?” Oh you went to a different school. Mysteries solved. I love that mentally, but you went to a different school than I did, I want everyone going to the same school. One school. A hundred and forty million students or I go boo. I am the least tolerate human being on earth. What did you have for dinner? Chinese food, I had Japanese food, boo. Do you like Tristan? I prefer wheat thins boo. You like regular starburst. I like the tropical climate. Boo motherfucker. I only have 700 more examples of this. You like curly fries, I don’t like not waffle steak fries, boo. You’re right my heart wasn’t into that last one. I wasn’t passionate about that one, like I was about the recent wheat thin ones, where I almost started crying. 

Chipotle, Trader’s Joes

Y’all have the chipotle Mexican grill? Np, you have that place next door, what that place called, this will all be cut out,  it’s Qdoba. I’m going to do a joke about something very similar. It’s a chain, I’m sure some of you, yeah, why the fuck did you put me through all that? I overreached I apologize. So I like the chipotle Mexican grill, that place is delicious, every time I bring up the chipotle Mexican grill in conversation someone is like oh chipotle is delicious, can you believe they were started by McDonalds, uhh McDonalds is delicious. So yes, I can believe that. It’s not like Ben and Jerry’s opened up a lingerie shop. It’s the world’s greatest restaurant chain, taking a stab at another kind of food and hitting it out of the park. People said Todd you can’ pull off a chipotle joke in a town where they don’t have chipotle, I said watch me. You have trader’s joes here, huh, trader joe’s grocery store just opened up in New York City. There were lines around the block I finally made my way in there, and I ran into a friend of mine, he said oh this palace is great, they have the best pizza. You know who else has good pizza, New York city. Maybe someday they will open up a New York City, New York city. I heard there was a Trader Jose in Idaho now, wondering if they do tater tots. 

Old Navy, Short Shop

I went to old navy to buy a wallet. Cause I make an astounding amount of money. And I go through wallets like crazy. I went there and said, do you sell wallets? The guy said I don’t know if we do, but if we did they’d be on the second floor, a table from the left. Oh but you don’t even know if you sell them, but with pinpoint accuracy you’re going to lead me right to them, if it turns out that you do sell them. But that you don’t know. I go to the second floor I find another sales man. Guy goes, no wallets, no ties. As if I’ve heard the wallet question and we all knows what’s coming around the bend. I can understand no wallets in the old navy but no ties, but what I’m supposed to wear with my mock rib turtleneck and my purple camouflage cargo pants. I got a funeral to go to. Oh man. I was in California and I walked by a short men’s clothing shop. I had never seen this before, I thought I’m kind of short, I walked in there looked at some of the sizes, guess what people, Todd Barry too damn tall. Too tall for the little guy shop. I walks in there the salesmen was freaking out, how’d ya even get in here man. Help police there’s a giant. It’s got to be 5-5th bring a crane. Put in a special jail cell, with extra high ceilings. Cause he’s a motherfucking’ giant. 

Todd’s Address, Stay with Todd, Limo, Container Store

You guys can all come stay with me in New York. Let’s give out my home address right now. 1309 granny smith apple way. Penthouse, New York New York. 5531. I actually have a nice place 23 bedrooms, every bedroom has a baby grand piano in it. Sitting next to the baby grand piano I swear to god a regular sized grand piano. Architectural digest did a story about my apartment, they called it a pretentious douchebag house, they lost 50,000 subscribers. Cause in the history of that magazine nobody has ever read the word douchebag. In that magazine. I’m not rich. If I do become rich, the only thing that will change, I’ll get alimony. Same awful apartment, just with a limousine. My neighbors will look out their windows, why doesn’t he move. Look honey he has used that thing to go return bottles. Oh, he got a crazy good spot in front he check cashing store, it’s’ 29 cent money order Mondays. Guys have the container store here, this one is going to fucking rocket. This one is going to rock. Counter store is amazing. The Most amazing thing about the country store, it’s really a container store. I saw that sign and I thought there was no way. I walked in there, four hours later, i said you know what i think it might be. They see a reef counter there, a reef counter! If I had enough disposable income to justify buying a reef counter, I’d probably be the kind of hot shot who just bought a new reef every year. We’re through the reef out baby. What? Toss it! Throw out these 7 dollar reef. But I just bought a 2000 hard reef road case. Same kind used by Santa Claus on his last Japanese tour. Sant-ie clause. 

Anal, Set an Alarm

I was dating a women we had our first little sex talk, she actually said to me, she goes Todd I’ve had anal sex before but don’t ask me who it was with. I think if i made a list of every question, I’d ask before that one, it would be a list of every question. Including who shot jr, where the beef, and why would you think I’d want to know that. Okay maybe not where’s the beef, because she might answer that one. Just for the future, never groan at another joke. I love that that one made you, oh no, too far. Too far. We’re gonna groan, and laugh at the same time, that way we’re covered. Someone comes up, hey did you like that anal sex joke, you heard me laughing didn’t ya. I thought it was offensive, ya heard me groaning didn’t ya. You ever have sex with someone you don’t know that well, they stay the night they ask if you’ll set an alarm. It’s like hey can you set an alarm I have to go to work. I could but that alarm would wake up also. Think we found a  glitch in the system. They don’t sell an alarm that will only wake you up. No not even at sharper image. Can you just call in sick, I really had my heart set on a nice skyward breakfast. 

Amex, Pastry Chef

Same AmEx card I have sir. Something to tell your friends. People are like why don’t you have a platinum card. Todd Barry has the blue card. How would you know what kind of card Todd Barry has? In this premise they know who I am. I ran into a friend of my on the street i hadn’t seen in a while, he’s  pastry chef, I said hey what’s going on, he said oh I have to France to go to chocolate school. Alright. Whatever happened to not much what about you. You’re not only going to France, your goin there to study chocolate. Normally I would have been jealous but luckily I had been on my way to the airport to go to wahiki to go to cunniligious camp. Bunniligigy camp in tahiti. The only thing better than chocolate school in France. The day starts at six am and ends at six pm with only one break for arts and crafts. 

Nurse’s T shirt, Kids T Shirt

Saw a woman on the street wearing a shirt that said, Nurses kick butt. I don’t want a nurse that kicks butt. I don’t like the idea of fired up health care workers. I don’t want to be lying in the operating room when the door gets kicked open. There is a guy standing there in sequence scrubs. Hello I’m Stanley standups, I’m going to be your neurologist. And tonight I’m going to tear this down. Scalpe bitch. Bitch I need that scapolite. Bitch I need that scalpel. Bitch I need it. I saw a guy in the street, with this little boy, like a three year old boy, the boy was wearing a dead Kennedys t-shirt. I just wanted to walk up to the father and be like hey you know what, your kid ain’t that cool. I could just see the father dressing the kid, like Honey why are you putting that little blue sweater one him, if he wears that no one will know how great my cd collection is. 

Selling Cds, Springsteen at Bar, Moore at Party, Gawker

Sometimes I sell CDs after a show. It’s fun when nobody cuts them, but sometimes someone will come up to the table and look at the CD, flip it over, and walk away. It’s like, what wasn’t there. That you thought should be there oh it’s one of your CDs I didn’t realize that. I was looking for the first Tracy Chapman album. I met a woman who works at a bar. I asked if any celebrities came into the bar. She was like oh yeah Bruce Springsteen came in once. He was by himself waiting for some people who didn’t show up, so he left after an hour. I thought that it was wonderful that people as huge as Bruce Springsteen still get fucked over by their shitty friends. You know he sent them a text message, where were you assholes? I got cornered by ten new jersey community college students, asking me for little Steven high school stires. You dicks are always doing this to me. Fuck you guys. This is what Springsteen sounds like when talks, the singing voice is totally affected. Totally affected. I was talking to a friend of mine, said she met Michael more at a party, and he was totally nice. I was like yeah he might be nice but you met him at a party, what do you think would happen if you met bush at a party.  Hey nice to meet you Mr. president. Fuck you war. Fuck you. What did you expect from me, low level party courtesy? There is a website in new York called gawker, and they list everyone that people report. It’ll be ok 23rd street and 3 ave, Ethan Hawke buying a banana. 23rd 8th ave, Ethan Hawke with a half eaten banana. 23rd and 9th ave, a bananaless Ethan Hawke. Running wild through the streets, on some kind of potassium high. I’m guessing he just ate a banana. Which explains why he was bananless. I once played a joke on the site gawker. I told an audience to say they met me somewhere. I said, I don’t care where you said you saw me, just use the phrase easy on the eyes. ” I said the next day i got an email from gawker, “hey are you rallying your troops or something” What you got 15 emails saying i was easy on the eyes, there’s a chance I might be behind that. There is a slim chance that I had something to do with that. 

Potter, Chinese Restaurant Conversations

You guys read that harry potter book, huh, yeah yeah, i saw a guy who was reading that on the subway, he was on like page 850. It was three days after the book came out. I was looking for this guy for three days and have read more than I have in my entire life. And I have an English degree. Then I realized it is kind of a children’s book. It was an 850 page Curious George book. I could probably burn through that in a couple months. Pretty good Chinese restaurant combo comedy combo people. I was in a Chinese restaurant in new York, I eat out a lone a lot, there is and acnge to eating out alone, unlimited eavesdropping. Don’t have to worry about pissing anyone off. Eavesdrop until your heart’s content. This is an actual conversation I heard in a Chinese restaurant. Threw was like an 85 year old Chinese guy, and a 45 year old white woman, and she was teaching him how to say the words eggnog. This is the way the conversation went. Eggnog. Eggnog. No. eggnog. Egg-a-nog. This went back and forth about four more times. I wanted to stand up and say  you know what I think he got. I think any eggnog situation he finds himself in, for any company Christmas party he gets invited to. I think he’ll work his way through the eggnog situation, and go make him say egg-a, you condescending cunt-ta-ta. 

Fridge, Audience member’s tab, Best celebrity sighting

We’re almost done people, time flies, when you’re seeing the best show you’ve ever seen in your life. You know that old expression, time flies when you’re seeing without question the best show you’ve ever seen in your life. It’s kind of a clunky slogan. Some words drive me crazy, when people abbreviate words, when someone says fridge instead of refrigerator, i don’t know why but i want to climb up to a water tower, and pick people off with a shotgun. This is a true story. I was out on a date with Julia Roberts, we’re back at her place. Dishes’ like Todd. I’m going to go into the next room and put some perfume on my belly . Why don’t you grab a beer from the fringe? I was like what was that. She’s like, I’m going to put perfume on, you don’t like perfume, no I like perfume, why don’t you grab a beer from the fridge. Maybe i’ll do that while I’m on my way out, which is going to be now. And I stormed out of Julie Roberts’ apartment. Ran into her door man in the lobby he’s like what’s wrong man, you could have had some of that shit. I said sir, you are a very unprofessional doorman. What do you mean could have been awesome? You’re disgusting. And then I went back up. Come to think of it, he’s right. That’s the worst thing she did was say the word fringe, well nobody’s perfect. You want my fucking autograph or something, what’s it for? It’s just weird, you got one little piece, it’s your tab, that’s what they write on it, it’s like a shitty little, sir I’ll autograph it anyway. It’s my tab. Don’t ever talk to me that way. When is ay, is that for me to autograph you go, what else would it be fore. The best, this is my final joke, in case you want to act like it’s better than it is. That’s your call people., do whatever you want. See a lot of celebrities in New York, the best celebrity sighting, I swear to go this is true. I Was walking through the park, you remember the band the spin doctors, i saw the bass player from the spin doctor sitting on a park bench alone reading bass player magazine. Never have I felt more, in the right place at the right time, I could be anywhere, and I end up witnessing the bass player from the spin doctor, kicking back with the latest issue of bass player magazine. It’s like if you were walking through the park and you saw me reading an amazing comedian magazine. Or super pretty hazel eyes magazine. Thanks a lot everyone, see ya later 

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