Paula Poudstone – Pop Tarts Video (just paula’s part)
Thank you very much and thank you so much for coming. This is a video tape, going to be available, with pop tarts, so right now we know we’re talking to pop tart eaters, it’s a good feeling isn’t it. Just knowing that the pop tart eaters are going to be sitting eating tarts one day. Doing that thing you do when you eat breakfast foods, just starting at the packing. You realize with all the things you could read why are you reading this right. You read through each tart, so that’s six times, before you realize oh I could two more boxes of these. I actually eat a box of pop tarts a day, it’s a fact. I have to mention it on stage before, which I’m happy to do because in fact I do eat a box of tarts each day. You can see here, on the box the tart snapped in half. All the tasty goodness right there. This by the way, see the strawberries on the box, this is just a serving suggestion. Don’t be disappointed if you open your box and you don’t see any loose fruit inside. This is what happens to me. There are 6 toaster pastries but they come in pouches of two. This is the trick ladies and gentleman, i open the first package and eat one tart, as you naturally would. And after a while I have to eat the second one or it will go stale. Now I forgot, I’ve eaten two, it’s no longer a snake it’s a meal. And then after a while I’m like, well heck I don’t just want two pop tarts hanging out in the box. Eat the last one, just to tidy up really. Actually, I swear, I’m not just saying this, they’re fine food, and I always find myself reading the ingredients on the side, nine, no, here it is 9 grams of fat. Per serving. Oh buy serving one pastry your kidding, what kind of idiot would just have one tart. I met this idiot, who said we eat the chocolate flavored, chocolate frosted ones. Eats them up, breakfast hem up over a bowl and pours milk over them. Well forget it you may as well cook. You’re using more than 3 steps your cooking in my opinion. Have you ever seen me in an airport I dare you to stop me, i always have a box in bag, so when the stewards comes around with her kart, and everyone else gets the yucky foil pouch of nuts, I lean into my bag and pull out a poptart, all the other passengers look at me bitterly, where’d you get that, how much did you pay for this flight. You guys seem like such a nice crowd my little disappointed that the pop tart eaters can’t be with us right now. This is like putting a message in a bottle. I have a good feeling. How is that one piece of hair doing, is it in your way, it’s in mine. Drives me nuts. Some Days i can’t even get out of bed and do not push the piece of hair out of my hair one more time. Too much energy for me.
I just had dinner which is a stupid thing for me, because I eat constantly. I have never known anyone who eats as much as I. I can never remember what it feels like to be full. I was fat, so to be honest, I wouldn’t mind being a huge fat pig if I was full. At this point I’m exhausted by the search for food. I don’t even keep food in my house before I know that the problem is that I’ve been hungry for the longest time. But I don’t know what to do. For the longest time I’ve been hungry for something like a jelly donut but it is not a jelly donut. I know it’s probably something like an emptiness or a loneliness or lack of something, but it sure does feel like a jelly donut. That’s why I don’t’ keep food in my shoe because I will find myself eating my way through the refrigerator looking for what I was hungry for. Going nope. It was not a giant cheese ball that I needed. I couldn’t be sure, until i computed it. Did you know that in Madison wisoin this last summer there was a big fire in a government food building. Did anyone hear about it? Big fire. It causes all the cheese and butter to rush out the building so they had a big cheese butter river, and it was going for their waterways. It was a big deal in Madison because they thought they were goin to have cholesterol in their waterways. You know of all the accidents that could happen. I know it’s a bad thing, but it struck me as a funny thing. I don’t even know what team you call out for a cheese butter situation. Oh this whole fonda sticks. I was in Canada last summer. Did you know in Canada they get 8 pop tarts in a box regularly. I feel the exact same way, I was always envious of Canada, didn’t know why. Turns out it was tart envy the whole time. I was in Canada and they told us we won’t use the metric system here because we’re dummies. I said no we’re stupid we tried we can’t. Why would they mock us that way. Sir did you have your glasses off. Did you. I can never tell, when I’m working, people take their glasses off. Is it because you could see me or you couldn’t. Did you get to a point where you couldn’t enjoy the show anymore? Ahh. Maybe while you’re out, honey take your glasses out, she’s better fuzzy. She’s one of the better fuzzy comics I’ve ever seen. Oh, cause i brought tears to your eyes. Oh. I think, i think he’s a comedian. When I mentioned they have eight tarts he was kind of lonely for the homeland. Sir, what do you do for a living. You don’t do anything, how’s that going for you? Do you ever get sick of that and punch off the clock and just start doing something? Oh you have a wife to support you. you know this video will be available for children through box tops. Do you think that’s the kind of image we of adults want children to have? Some kid is going to be read in the box eating a tart thinking I could do better than that. Just don’t think it’s healthy at all. Actually, you know what, I watched tapes of myself, and one time my cats heard my voice coming through the speakers and they absolutely flipped out. Very weird experience for them. I have five cats, and they’re great but one area that they’re no help with and that’s security. I just moved into a new house five months ago and one thing is that I’m afraid of crime, and I’m often too nervous to sleep there. But when I do I find myself about to doze off to sleep and for no apparent reason all five just stop and stare out the bedroom door. Well fine I’ll just lay awake bathed in sweat another night.
You know what was actually helpful. When I lived in the apartment I could never hear the doorbell from my bedroom. The only reasons my cats would run into my room are completely puffed up, just like in a complete panic. They never ever ever put it together. That there would be that particular noise and then a person would show up. They’d always be happy to see the person they’d like come in quickly when we heard a noise. Big babies. Do you guys just have a big spillage. I heard things like dropping what happened, I tried to be cool about it but suddenly I couldn’t. What supplied ma’am. My ice. Ugh, lets just go. That lady spilled her ice I don’t even want to be here anymore. She spilled it? Oh fine a little finger pointing. Maybe we’ll just have to separate the two of you for the rest of the show. Maybe you’ll be out in the hall young lady and you’ll have to get the notes from a neighbor. Remember when they to say that in school. You’ll have to get the notes from a neighbor. Like I’m knocking on some old guy’s house next. Yeah she said you’d have the math. I thought it was odd myself. You know. I uh, most of the stuff I learned in high school has not been all that helpful. In terms of academics. In adult life. History exactly. What point in conversation do you go, well graze guess Lincolns dead, I heard they cut the guy. A lot of history is just lies anyway, they lie about stuff that happened minutes ago on the news. I can hardly believe they can actually secure the facts from hundreds of thousands of years ago. I remember they told us in school Columbus discovered America, well some Indians were already there and some Vikings had already come along. SO i said well then he didn’t discover it. No no no, he discovered it for Spain. Oh for Spain. Can you do that. I’m glad he’s dead . I don’t want to come home someday to see him peeking through my window. Hey, I am the first one here. Well no. No, I live here, no no , I am the first one from Spain, well come on in, let me show you what to do with corn. I came home one night, came home one night and all five of my cats were standing in a semi circle around the wall. I went there the moment I came in, they had found a beetle bug, and they were taking turns jerking it. Apparently it would be valid on its backs for a few moments and then it would stand back up. My cats hate each other, but apparently the desire to torment something smaller than them drew them together, no unlike people when you think about it. I threw the bug out the window. And you know they all still stood staring at it. I felt like a cop, okay break it up, show up, go back to your area. That’s a big deal for them cause they don’t go out of the house. It’s like cat football for them. Laying all fat and lazy next to the water balls, going remember that. We beat the stuffing out that beetled didn’t we. well you guys ready to get going?