Loose in Chicago – Kyle Kinane

Loose in Chicago – Kyle Kinane

Beef

Ladies and gentlemen. Kyle Kinane. Thank you. Thank you very much. Alright. Stop. Thank you very much. It’s’ good to be taping a special in Chicago. At metro. Back in my hometown this feels great. Thank you for being here. I have been on the road most of my life so to come back home to tape a special means a  lot to me. I swear. I spend most of my time on the road and I have to leave my girlfriend at home, and sometimes she makes mention that she might be a little bit jealous. And sometimes I’m on the road and I might meet women on the road. 

Water

I’ve been out a lot, I’ve been out in Edinburgh Scotland for a month. I said the whitest thing I’ve ever said in my life, Katt Edinburgh, nothing edible, just white, just white, sometimes, you are hyper aware ooh that was white. Where you have to step back after something comes out of your mouth. This tuna salad is pretty good but it could use a bit more mayonnaise Barba. Ah. well more rounded than that dude. A karaoke birthday party on Monday your crazy for this one timothy. Once in a hotel you just top yourself that’s what happened to me in Edinburgh. I think the exact phrase I used in Edinburgh was I can’t believe this castle downs’ have WIFI. That was it, so I got one after that. You complain about brand new white shit in old white shit hocking turducken is what you did. I went out to London and I went on the Jack the Ripper tour, because that’s what I still do. I should grow up, and it’s a big deal there, big advertisements for this Jack the Ripper tour. It’s from the 1800 but it’s still the big river tour. And you sign up to tour and there are so many tours and so tours and it’s so popular and you sign up you get a sign and tour guide and decrepit little English man, he has a little top hat and a cloak and he has skin and his British voice, maybe just his British voice, the old ones always sound like they’re doing you no matter what. What time is it, oh seven thirty. He’s leading us around the city, and it’s interesting but it’s hard to focus because we’re still in a modern city, so he’s trying to put you in the time period that this all happened, and he’ll stop you in some part of the street, and here is one of victims was found with medical precision. But you’re still in front of a kfc. It’s hard to focus, guess that family didn’t have medical precision. But then we get to the end, the big finale and he has everyone gathered around, and it’s’ this big climax moment of the tour, everyone is there, and he just sends it home. It’s believed that in total Jack the ripper may have killed up to five victims. Now I know that this is a weird time to get welled up with national pride. But I had to turn to my friend and ask him to say five. We’ve been rolling out ankles on cobblestone for three hours for five. We paid 60 pounds, I don’t even know how much that is in real money. For fucking five. I got the real USA. I’m from America, baby, we got somebody killing five right now, and we don’t give them walking tours. If we had a walking tour for everyone who killed five people in this country. The whole 48 lower states would just look like half priced tickets in Disneyland. Wisconsin alone would have so many people typing off into the lake. You killed five people. You could defend yourself in court after killing five people. And get off with just a warning. That’s where we’re at, alright yeah I know what happened your honor, you know how they say MacDonald’s has breakfast all day and then you get your hopes up but then they can still run out of that shit, and that’s what they don’t tell you and they’re like we’re out of Canadian bacon, sure I got a little out of hand. I got a little out of hand. Judge is like rough weekend we all have them. Rough weekend. You kill one person in an accident in America, you don’t even get arrested anymore, they make you a cop, that’s what happens. I don’t want to be a police officer, it doesn’t matter if you pass the test of your qualities. It’s a weird time. 

Salt

It’s going to be a very, it’s going to be a very interesting conversation we’re goin to have to have in this country when there is a mass shooting that targets a group of people we can all agree don’t really need to be around anymore anyway. It’s going to cross that line at some point. Aright mores. Ture yes. Whose another mass shooting, oh my god, who were the victims this time, Westboro Baptist church. No no no, senseless loss. Oh god hates who? I don’t hear them anymore. Remember how you always said you wanted to ban all guns. Did I say all the fun? All the guts, I can say all the guns, I didn’t, what kind of guns did they use. The other ones. They killed the nice people. I mean Fred Phils died. He was the leader of the West Bureau Baptist Church; he died. I don’t miss him. He was such a good villain, you understand, you understand, how necessary a good villain is, because a good villain unites unlikely groups of people and that’s what he did. They’re so terrible. There are people who you had no idea would even know each other are now on the same or picked lines against him. That’s a good villain. Because you had the gays rights people and they hated him for his tastefully worded signs they would hold up, the streets fairs and the parades.  But you know who else would priests Westboro Baptist church, hells angels. You were such a dick hells angel I didn’t like you. That’s impressive. Hells angels were also anti west Brough baptist chruch, they would picked dead troops, and they did because they thought the troops were dying overseas wars because America was allowing gay people to get married, and I don’t care what spiritual mathematics your working with that doesn’t add up at all. No see because of that, now this, nah man nah man, show your work, no you can’t, you can’t show your work on that. So you, I’ve been doing the gay rights the gay people are against them, but also hells angels cause bike gangs all form from veterans coming back from world war 2 you don’t mess with the veterans. Bike gangs get involved so now you have hells angles and gay people on the same side of the line with their shared hatred sf somebody  and you got to respect that level that you brought hose unlikely groups together just side by side like ha hey hey, alright. Hate these guys too, fuck these guys yeah man, they suck yeah alright. What’s that, cute vest, yeah thanks. Like yours too, a lot fringe but I like what you’re doing. Ah to hell with it we’re all going out to beers after this, if you want to come hang out with us, yeah okay. Cool, okay okay why not, oh you need a ride, oh. I got the bike here, we’re coming together, get on get on, oh look at that you’re getting on the front, you know what it’s a special day lets just let our hair blow in the breeze together. 

Corn Syrup

I don’t know, I don’t know, it’s’ weird with all the violence, I’m not even an anti-gun guy. Whatever. That’s my political stance, whatever. I’m confused with the open carry law. That you can legally just have one. Not even a hint, just have it out. First off, first off, it’s weird that you can just have it out. Second off, I don’t like the term open carry. That’s what I always use for open containers, so you can walk around with beer. SO then the first of the year rolls around, and they’re like well here are the states where open carry is legal, and I’m the idiot like, yeah well it’s about time. Like, I should be able to walk around with one, I’m not hurting anyone, I should be able to walk around with six of them. Friday isn’t even started if I haven’t had six of them. I’m not talking about beer, Kyle, I’m talking about guns, ah ha. That’s silly. So the bears are still illegal, cool laws, cool laws everybody. Cool laws that make total sense. But I don’t know, I just think that if you need to have a gun, there needs to be a dress code also, you can’t just have the gun and wear it, you need the rest of it to match. Because no only do you have a weapon you also have a very aggressive accessor now. Alright, now have a centerpiece to your outfit and the rest of it needs to coordinate. That’s what I’m saying. You ever see a woman out with a tiara but no ball gown, just like sweatpants, that’s a crazy person. That’s what crazy looks like. That’s not someone making sensible decisions, that’s someone yelling out that the Kremlin stole my babies. And everyone’s like I don’t even need to be in this AutoZone right now. What seat covers do I need? I’ll get seat covers tomorrow. I’m gonna let this weird homeless princess find her children. That’s the same thing with a gun, you can’t just have that, and not, this, if you have a gun here, the outfit needs to make you look like a responsible member of society, like you know what you’re going to do when that gun comes out of the holster. If there’s a gun here this shit needs to look like John Wayne or Indiana Jones or captain America. So people know who he knows what he’s going to do when the gun comes out of the holster. I was in Colorado and I saw a guy who was open carrying right there. I saw a gun first then I saw it was attached to some board shorts, no pants, no pants. Long pants. You have a weapon long pants. This low rent Jonny Utah shit. When you get it clipped onto some swim trunks, drawstring, drawstring, to pull up the weight of a gun, do you know tight you have to pull those drawstrings? Now I know he’s in a bad mood because his hips have been chafing all day. And that’s not the attitude you should have walking around with a firearm all day. Like I’m getting all red hip bone, what are you looking at, stop looking at my calves. And flip flops get out of my country. I Don’t even own guns but I know if you’re going to draw down on somebody because they’re’ good guys with a gun that stops all that crime, if you’re one of those guys, thank you so much for that. Close toes shoes. Goddamn. Close toed shoes. You’re the one that’s going to stop a crime when you just, when you take it holster, and you swish it around in your trousers. Explain that to the cops when they get here. Well I saw the perpetrator run out of the bank with a duffle bag full of loose bills so I deduced that he had robbed licensed open carry and so I went and prayed the subject but what had happened during the pursuit I jimmy buffeted myself, straight up margarita killed myself, you saw it, I shanked it, that one went off in the playground. Figures crossed. Trying to do the right thing. That joke takes a wild turn. I’ll be in Tennessee and stuff and I have to ask, is open carry legal in this state? Yes it is, sometimes I ask in  places where people are enthusiastic. Is it open carry here, you’re goddamn right it is. I have to change gears real fast. You bet your ass it’s America, it should be everywhere, and I have to change real fast, man you guys ever have burritos it’s like a taco got cold you know what I’m saying. 

Dextrose

But it’s easy, c’mon we’re in Chicago it’s easy to get all ra ra get all liberal and open minded. We’re open minded I think we’re not conservative closed minded. Open minded people. Gay straight whatever you get to marry whoever, if you’re a women it’s your right to do whatever you want to do with your body, but hey if your transgender and having a hard time right now we’re all just pilots dropped in different vehicles and if you have to work with aftermarket parts to get to where you want to be you work with aftermarket part to get to where you want to be. I love being around all these opened minded liberal friends of mine. And then I love pouring ketchup on a hotdog, fuck you fuck you. Oooo ooo. Sounds like somebody’s taste buds are republican, whew yeah, pat yourself on the back about being open minded a little bit later, when you can’t stop thinking about punching somebody for putting pineapple on a pizza you dickheads. I’m in my hometown just pissed over the states. What are you going to do about it? I got paid. This won’t go on the special. I like how I’m being real punk rock by doing ketchup on a hot dog joke. I saw the singer Sam get a blow job on stage fifteen years ago, but look at me, really blowing people’s minds up here. That for being good sports everyone. I appreciate it. 

Mustard

I don’t have any, I don’t know where I’m at political, I just like poking holes in it. I think every side should be tested no matter what their views are. I’m a gambler, I like crabs, not because of the gambling but just because that’s where if you’re playing crabs and your rolling the dice and you got a real hot hand, and everyone’s winning that means you get to yell out whatever you want, in the name of luck to test the greed of the people around you, and that’s a fascination position to be in the world. Where you can just push the morals of strangers. You have to make sure you’re on a good streak tow and three good rolls and you throw out a little tester  something like, c’mon daddy needs a new shoes, and everyone is like yeah get him some new shoes, and then you get a few more in there, and that’s when everyone is feeling higher and higher drop the em, man these lectica child brides aren’t getting any cheaper you know what I’m saying! What? What do you hear him say? No, nah. He said he’s getting married in leocean we gotta get him on the honeymoon. Everybody down at the pet station knows what I mean when I say I need a cage for a big dog. Whew! No I heard him that time, I heard him. He’s going to lock those let go in women, he’s confessing to crimes he can’t afford to commit yet, yeah I’m staying in. Imma bout to pay for that son. 

Natural Flavoring and Coloring

See, I’ve got gout. Yeah. got gout. Don’t what, how old am I, 39. Do you want to ask more questions or do you want me to go on with the joke and I’ll probably answer them in the joke. Are you worried about yourself getting it, because if you at this show you got it dude. You all got it. That’s real dumb, I’m not being brave or nothing up here, it’s a real dumb disease. It’s real stupid. Yeah, got it, alright, okay, we’ll get a support group after the show. Yeah it’s real dumb, you just get it from eating and drinking form whatever you want to eat and drink, I thought that was what you were suppose to do, I thought that was how life works. Live life to the fullest, I did, I got fucking gout. I’ll tell you the side effect of living your life by these bumper sticker philosophies out there there is no tasterick on there, telling you defcall bill of b for war, but I listen to all that stuff, just dance like nobody’s watching Kyle, dance like n o one is watching but they’re watching. They’re watching. They’re called security guards at toys or us and they are watching. I’m usually alone on this one, I don’t know if anyone else does this, whenever you drive by a toy r us, u ever just mutter we sure are. And then you curse the limit for the rest of the day. They’re waving it right in our faces, and we’re not doing a goddamn thing about it. I’m A  conspiracy theorist but all my conspiracies are so low rent that no one wants to entertain them with me. I’m like the Rudolph red nose reindeer just trying to chime in all the obviously the mafia killed the JFK, well I think trader joe’s parking lot is made too small on purpose just to make them seem more popular than they really are. That proves nothing. Ah. why are you eating in here man. Anyway obviously the moon landing was fake just so we can get more money for NASA cause it’s really just a military complex that we’re putting into space. I think that, I think that, that FDA is just making up expiration dates for food to make you buy condiments when you don’t have to, because mayonnaise doesn’t get old it just becomes a miracle whip. That’s the miracle. Like that little extra tang in there that you’re tasting, you know what that is, patience. Fucking gout. It’s so dumb. All my friends are like, how do you get gout, and I’m like keep it up, you’ll get it. I got it from living like pleasure and mildly reckless, just mindlessly reckless, now it’s a permeate condition I have. Management but permeate, it’s like herpes.  But at least, herpes you got laid, if you have herpes, at least the universe let you get laid. Oh I have herpes but then you remember how you got it, ah, eh. I didn’t get laid, you know what I got, I got too many menu items with the word rodeo in the decision. That’s not even a flavor that’s just the food telling me to hold on. And I fall for it every time. But what it tastes like, I don’t know but I want to lasso my taste buds, fill me up! And it’s real. It’s a terrestrial issue. This world, it’s real. I don’t deal very well with those. I live in this alternate reality that I put together for myself. I live in this perceived reality that I create. Because I moved to California years ago, and California is a magical palace where you get to pick out whichever age you like the best and then you get to stay that age, because everyone else is doing it too. No it’s great. You just get out there, what do you like the best Kyle, 19, your 19 forever. Keep being 19 dude, keep doing it. Keep wearing skateboard shoes, you don’t have to tell people you have orthopedic inserts in them. Because you have Paltrow faciso so bad that you fall over in the morning trying to take ap iss you don’t have to tell anyone that. So that’s the land I live in, this perceived reality, and it’s destroyed by reality. I found out that I got it the same day my ghost hunting equipment showed up from eBay. That’s one world benign destroyed by the other, just me at home unboxing my EMF detector all excited. Like, I’m going to prove that sprites are real. You know what’s real Kyle, gout, gout is real Kyle, but you know what good luck looking for poltergeists with a limp, good luck doing that. That’s the world I live in. I choose to live in it, I know it’s native and seems dumb, but it is a better option that what we live in now. Can you believe trump and ice caps are melting, blue drag. You’ve tried to fix the problems I am going to look for aliens. I know it’s silly and I have no evidence, I just want them to be. The coolest thing I have to aliens is that I got in a cab once, and before I could spit out my address to where I want to go to the cab driver, he put his hand on the passenger seat and went man, it’s hard being a human being. Huh. what were you before this. It’s a comparative statement. You can’t say that without another excerpt, let me tell you Kyle I was some peach yogurt for a while. I Was one of those cacti in the desert that looks like they’ve been held up at gunpoint. I’ve been doing a lot of stuff. I just wanted to look at the wheel and go what even is this. It’s my first day. That’s where I’m at. This is an election year with real arguments that people are having out in the world. You want to know what real argument I’m having out in the world, werewolf vs. astrology. That’s the real argument that I had. Pro werewolf anti astrology if you’re curious. Yeah yeah. I’m sitting there like the moon isn’t going to dictate your moon. That’s ridiculous. The moon can’t tell you how you feel emotionally even though the moon does dictate the time. But that’s gravity. Water we’re 70 percent water, there might be something to that. I’ve been calling bullshit on that since but I do think that those shadows  cast on the moon are a select few to become dog people that roam the planes I would ignore all your sins and stand stickling in straight gbase position. Politically I’m liberal supernaturally I’m very conservative. I ignore all science and proof and just go with my heart. Here’s The catch: that wasn’t even an argument with anyone I was by myself. I got to a bar early my friends weren’t there, I was like well I got files to sort out, fuck it cage match. Sat there for 45 minutes agreeing and disagreeing with the empty space around me. so but in a place why is this guy doing a shitty Robert de Niro impression for. 

Garlic Juice

Went to my doctor the whole thing. I went, and the four things, and I looked it up online. Who goes to the doctor right away, let’s just throw money at it, who does that? Rockefeller you hanging out with, here’s my money, no go online, I think, I knew it was going to be out I knew it was going to be something. I went into my doctor, and I was like, I think I have gout, I think I have something, and the doctor was like yep, and I was like, don’t do your job. Don’t agree with me. I’m not, I’m in your office, I’m not a doctor exam in. I think if you can go online and you can figure out what you have and you go to the doctor and YouTube right, you don’t have to pay a copay. That should be a difference. That’s fair. Like I’m right you give me 50 bucks. But, I went in and I was panicked about the gout, like oh my god I’ve got a disease. Just being a victim about. And even my doctor was like stop being a baby. It’s easily manageable. Lots of people have gout, you have nothing to worry about, you can totally managem it, all you have to do is avoid beer, and any food you find at a BBQ, all I heard it’s your gonna die. I know she was saying other words, you met the shepherd that is going to guide you  to the great beyond and that shepherd’s name is gout. I just. Freaking out hard about it, and my doctor is my age, that the doctor is my age, man you 39 how can you be a doctor already, you’re so young. We got much more to go, how can you be? What are you one of those smarts kids or something. I’m 29. I still think I might be a prodigy at something and I don’t ever want to play chess. I’ll probably just beat those robots right away. Bobby fisher this whole place. I think I’m a prodigy. What kind of asshole that makes me in a guitar center just walking in kicking the doors open. Alright probably going to be awesome at one of these things, lets future it out, it’s it keyboard, mabye it’s drums, nope that’s not it. Every employee there is like normally we’d call this man’s mom to come pick him up but this man came in here with male pattern baldness and cocaine. I realize that’s what you can do with 39, that’s what she did, she gained enough of a specific type of knowledge, that can fix a human machine. That’s what she can do with four decades. And w3aht I did for four decades, I ate like a campground raccoon so much that I showed up to her place of work and took off my skateboard shoe so she could look at my too much bacon toe. Different paths man, different paths none more precious than the other. And I hadn’t been to a doctor in a long time, and so since I was there I was trying to alley-oop it into a physical. Which is weird, you can schedule a physical, but then you’re just asking to put your shoe on, hey can we do other stuff just like other things, oh yeah we can check your blood pressure, no can we do like blugh. All of it, all of it, can we get in stuff? Up stuff? Spread some things apart to squirt  at other things. What I’m saying is get extra batteries for that little flash light cause I’m need them. A full fifteen point diagnose inspection. And uh, to her credit, she uh, we did the full physical, and to her credit, she transitioned into the testical part of the exam smoother than any physician I have ever had. It was so smooth I didn’t even realize it happened. Because obviously that’s an awkward thing, it should be awkward. Even though it’s a professional it should be awkward, your espousing your genial to a stranger in day time. You shouldn’t be at least in that scenario, especially if one of you isn’t a doctor that’s a crime. You know you shouldn’t be, you should be like, oh okay I felt bad for her being a female doctor. How many guys she had to deal with just these undercover creeps. Pushing out the world, oh I’ll crack a  joke to lighten the mood, she’ll need me to check your testical, I thought you’d never ask. Get out of here sex criminal. Sickos. And it goes the other way too, doctors can be creeps too. The last time I was in my 20s I had an old man doctor the type of age doctors are supposed to be, just old, and checking their own pulse because they might not live through the appointment, old and we’re getting a physical and he goes alright, gonnna check your weiner now. NO your not, did you say wieners no your not.  You say weiner. You are a thousand year old pervert. You called a part of anatomy aw pinero you don’t get this. You don’t deserve it. You don’t get this. You pedophile. If your in your twenties. That’s not what pedophiles are looking for, yea but I always shave my beard. I look like Charlie Brown, became a real boy and got into pills. So I’m still a sweet treat for those creeps. She transitioned into, smoother than any doctor. I could because I was sitting here freaking out about the gout thing, maybe I just got gout last week. Well, I was back home eating all the junk food, eating all the  junk food I might usually eat but I was eating twice because I knew there might be sea change in my body, so I was doubling down on the crap that I like to eat. And I was back here and I went to my favorite hot dog place twice in one shirt, not day shift, that’s a four hour time frame. Hot dog employees are part time employees. That’s four hours. I should have just eaten the food in the revolving door, just eating it with my chili dog hand on the glass. Well, I’m pretty much just going to break even burning calories if I just stay in here. I think I’m git lose weight. Trish hit me. And just stay in some sort of slob aquarium twirling in front of the place. But then, my doctor jumps in. You don’t have to tell me about testing junk food when you go back home. I’m from Phidelphila. I go nuts on cheese steak when I go home. I’m a  doctor. I should know better than that. I interrupt her. Have you been to this cheesesteak palace down on la I want to know if it’s authentic? Is it authentic because I like it, but is it the real deal? Kyle it’s great, they import the bread, it’s important. They have the provolone that’s an import you have to have provolone. I tell her because I’ve been a fiddle player and I went to those palaces, that you’re supposed to go to the ones that are across from each other, the ones that were on tv, I have to be honest those places were terrible, they were trash. My doctor interprets her, I hate it when people go to my home and think those are cheese steak those are garbage cheese steaks Kyle you want a half decent cheesesteak go to () south street, but then she goes, but really Kyle the real sandwich of Philadelphia isn’t a cheesesteak. Do tell. Oh we’re goin to do sandwich secret, okay alright. You want to bump some appointments cause if we’re goin to talk about sandwiches I’ll hang out. I’ll be here for another two hours knocking out my deductible, if we’re going to talk sandwich. She tells me, just just, knowledge secret way, the real sandwich of Philadelphia you want to find the reading terminal market, and go downstairs, don’t get distracted and you go downstairs and find a place called denicks, that’ the palace you want to find, there are menu items do not get distracted, there are menu items, what you want to order is a roasted pork sandwich with brocoli. Take off your pants, I’m going to check your testical. I’ve never been hypnotized before. And therefore did not believe it was real, it’s real. Because that’s what happened right after, because I didn’t hear her, but I did exactly what she said. The broccoli round I had that sandwich I went here, I went here, and no offense, and first thing, I went here and there was a line. I don’t wait in line for food, this isn’t Russia. My friend waited, he waited. He had the patience and I had the deep pockets. But I gotta tell you no offense, the pork was very good but the broccoli was bitter and distracted from the flavor of the pork. That’s my honest opinion, it distracts from the flavor of the pork. It was okay, it was okay. I did have one of those sandwiches. That’s okay. What’s okay? My testical, what. What. wait whoa. You did, that was then, oh oh shit. You’re a professional. See my wallet is still in my pants, that was smooth. I’m giving you five stars on a Angie’ list. Wherever I can. Professional. that’s . wow. Living with my disease now. Living with it. Tough. Not a lot of awareness out there. There are no ribbons, certainly not a walk for it.  Condensing. 

Sodium Erythorbate

I’m inching towards health. I’m getting there. I don’t know if anyone else in the same boat. I am one Netflix documentary from being a vegetarian. Anyone else gets to that point, where you’ve educated yourself into a corner. Like I didn’t want to know that much. But you watch one cause everyone is talking about it, you watch another cause you’re trying to sleep with a vegetarian.  Oh that’s terrible anyway. Then you just catch a snippet of a third one  which is just some peta volunteer yelling into a camera like “they boil them by their beaks when they’re still alive” and you’re like oh goddamn it. There goes nuggets, shit. I didn’t want to know all that. So, I’m in the final stages of being an omi born. I’ll still eat meat, but I have to come up with character flaws for the animal. I’ll still eat a cheeseburger but just know if you see me eating a cheeseburger just know that in my head I’m like Kyle did you know that the cow made this cheeseburger cheated on his girlfriend, unacceptable. Infidelity never tasted so good. Cows are ladies? Whatever it’s my joke, that’s going to come back to bite me in the ass. I like going camping where bears and bears eat people so if I find myself in a position where a bear just tears open my body and devours me, and I have to defeat myself using words because I’m a small man I’m not going to fight back. Whoa bear you want to think twice about what your going to do here, because I’m almost a vegetarian which almost makes me an animal rights activist, cause I won’t shut the fuck about it. So, if you eat me, that’s one less person fighting in the world for your rights so think about what you’re gonna do bear. And the bear is just gonna be like, yeah well we heard that you made your sister cry at her own wedding. That’s so many layers to this now. That doesn’t even make sense. My sister isn’t even married, and the bear is just like, yeah we’re just coming up with things and seniors to justify our actions aren’t we. good point bear good point, what do you want salt and pepper yeah you do. 

Sodium Nitrite

I feel like I shouldn’t eat an animal if I can’t kill it. You know, not as a hunter, not that. If you hunt, it’s all substring. That’s great. I just don’t have the free time. To just dress up like the woods. Hunting if you don’t kill anything, it just seems like the loneliest Halloween party. Look, I’m a tree! No I mean just, me naked in a field vs a beast. That’s fair, that’s a fair fight, of me versus the fight. MMA style, that’s fair. Head to head fairness. So red meat is out. Cow, what are you going to do to a cow? What are you going to do? You going to punch it. Go punch a cow. Tell me how you feel in your soul. Go find a cow, just a long lashed blinking chewing peaceful boain and you just come out of the tall grass, getting loose with it. Punch that cow in the face that will break your heart faster than colostra ever could. There is nothing, what are you going to do to sweep a leg. It has four of them, what you got one now it has tree, now it’s a tripod that’s even more structural sound than the original, creature. That’s built for high winds now. Why they work well in the planes. Side note. Tornadoes or the dickheads of natural disease because they’re so personal, you ever think about it. It’s’ tragic but it’s all.. A flood that hits everybody. Blizzard hits everybody. Earthquake hits everybody. Tornadoes maybe just Jeff’s house. How do you not take that personal if your Jeff, you know. Oh what’s that Dave, your house is okay. Trish your best to find a good looking place. What the fuck is this. Oh what’s that, you want me to talk to your insurance, because my dog scratched your car when it hit it at 90 miles an hour. Oh you think that could be filed under an act of god  claim, what god Trish, what fucking god Trish. Chicken. Dip back into the other joke, the tornado thing was unplanned. Chicken, you can accidentally kill a chicken that might not even be your fault, you can just be out there being friends with a chicken, out there with you buddy Frederick or whatever, whatever you name you write the joke and name it what you name. Chase it around the yard, c’mon Freddy come on. All of sudden your trip takes a knee right on the top of Fredrich oh god. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Frederick. You got pluck em while their still warm. Fish. Fish aren’t real. Nah. that’s just food. Fish is that’s all it. You can just bite a fish right now and that’s the food. You don’t have to do anything to it, and that’s it. Umm. you’re supposed to do that to it then. If that’ shows its taste that’s all it is. You have to put more effort into a potato than a fish. You gotta grow a potato, dig up a potato, wash off a potato. Fish is just rinsing itself off right now. Fish’s whole existence is just rinsing itself off, and trying to make up its mind on when you want to eat it. Every fish out there is just like are you hungry now, are you hungry now, how about now. That’s just a wet vegetable that’s all that is. We still catch fish, that’s how dumb fish are. We still catch fish. They’re too dumb to not be food if we still catch fish. Fish live in the ocean, that’s the biggest thing. Think of things. Now prioritize the chat list in order of size. Where is the ocean? May not even be the biggest, I’ll give the galaxy the sky the ocean, the third biggest thing is that it’s a getaway, cause they’re still down there like, what is that worm on a hook, oh oh I don’t know. Because I hate hooks. But I love worms. Sorry stupid you live in this aqcuirm now. We used to  catch whole groups of them at once, whole groups were down there like guys. Look, they put down one of those big hammocks for us again. Too dumb to live. How could you be so stupid when you swim in a school. No a good joke. No. the blacoy is right. They didn’t laugh at it all. Not a good joke. It’s mildly clever. I keep in the set, because I’m pressive with the mild cleverness of it. That my brain was like, look at this they swim in schools but they’re not bright and because of that of that, to me that makes up for something stupid I’ve done in my personal life. Cause we’ve all done sneaking balance in the world. That’s a clever joke Kyle that almost makes up for the time you tried to iron a shirt with the button of a hot pot of coffee. Searching for a balanced man. Oh. 

Extractives of Paprika

Oh shit. We’re almost out of time. Um, no. I got some weird jokes that don’t really fit anywhere else in the set so let’s do those. I can’t handle old people with real blue eyes. There is like, just like crystal blues eyes. Uh. looks like they can only remember that their friends have died. This Is too much. Birthdays I love Jeremy had birthdays. Blink or something Jesus. Eyes get dried looking at ghosts all day goddamn. 

Sheep Casing

I feel very fortunate that I got out of this, because it’s not a real thing. Like real thing. Three dimensional sense that we’re here, mostly conscious, I can’t speak for some of you. Prove my point. But it’s not like, it’s not a skill. It’s’ a nice thing, but it’s not a skill. It’s not a skill in the sense that it’s necessary for the world. If the shit goes, my job will disappear. It’s nice but it’s not a necessity. You don’t hear the proverb and the doomsters preppers, out in the forest in an abalone school bus, you don’t hear them saying anything like, before you finish picking those clams, we must go into the city center and lure us back a clown. Because in addition to preserving foods and fresh water, we must also be able to insure that we can make the whole society crumble around us. It’s not what this is. All this is, is a personality trait that I can capitalist on. That’ it. You ever met a comedian with an ego, you don’t get to have an ego. All this is, is someone is like hey you were pretty funny at that party last weekend, yeah you want to give me 20 bucks. That’s it. That’s what I’m trying to say stacks trumps. No, that’s why, that’s why, I know, things are welcome here, things are great. Karmically I’m on the heavy seesaw right now, things are going good, things are alright. But like I said, balance is always restored. So I don’t know how much time I have been in charge of the way things are right now. I think the balance will be restored. It will be restored with some kind of forceful immediate trust. I think I’ll be freaky Friday switching with someone with an actual skill. That’s how the balance will be restored. I’ll get found out for the fraud that I am. My file fell through the cracks of the Karama department, oh hey we forgot about this guy what he’s been doing, well sometimes he tells jokes about crab legs for 35 minutes. That sounds like a really dumb way of life, yeah but it says right here his credit cards are paid off because of that, well that’s for all, no sire. No. and that freaky Friday switch is going to happen and maybe no one that has a skill that we can all agree is amazing like astronaut or surgeon or like I have no idea how you can get to that point. Maybe Like a skillset that we overlook or judge someone for utility. Like we see a big rig tractor trailer driver in a big city trying to manipulate that vehicle and then you hear the beeping start because they have to go in reverse because they have to back up into a loading dock. Because nobody appreciates that guy, nobody stands back and goes wow look at that kill this guy learned no, everyone is just in their car, lining up with hands over their horns like game show buzzers like turn the wheel wrong once. Motherfucker. Turn it wrong once and you hear our wrath. Everyone is in rush hour which means it’s a race to see who had the shittier day sooner. Run towards the finish line for, so when I see someone doing something like that. I think, oh that looks like it’s something tough and not some OCD don’t look at the sun and blink three times, or you’ll become him. Because you can’t unthink at king o thought, just like I won’t I wont! Ahhh fuck it, yeah. I’m just going to wrap it into the cab of that truck, for so many years. Jack knife. I’m jack knifing it. I never even knew what it meant before but now I know what it means. What are we hauling important stuff, because if it’s important stuff I can focus. Refurbished VCRs, nobody even needs these. So that’s the world we live in. Just, very appreciative and grateful, and just this overlying tone of pharaonic, and I walk through the world just skipping and singing and grabbing about stuff and then all of a sudden hey Kyle did you take that staircase in odd straps or even steps. It was an odd step, oh oh oh now you have to be a benihana chef for twenty minutes. That should scare th shit out of everyone in here. That should scare the shit, to be a benihana chef. How long do you have to be a chef? You have to be a circus opera performer as well. Efne if your already a chef hat should scare you. Because I get it changes your new bad boys, the new bad boys around town. All tasted up. And Anthony Boudain did heroine and wrote a book so now listen to all your bullshit stories at the bar. Oh yeah, fucking yeah, no body else have ever done coke so why don’t you keep rambling over there. Is that Charles bowl is in the body of a mick jaguar. No that louis and he works at steak and shake and own’ shut the fuck up about it. I get it. I get it, you’re the new cool dudes around town. Tatted up on the cover of the local arts magazine. All tats up and your egg wisp neck tattoo. And the caption just stands there like a mma fighter. Is this the new face of pasta primavera? Clam down cookie. Didn’t know he was a chef too, name is microwave. Take a break, take a  wave. 86 your attitude. That joke is a special that will guarantee that all the food I sweat will be spit into the feast of my life. The risk I take for art. But even if your that guy, even if your a regular chef, you get to hide in a kitchen you get that wall. You can have your regular chef tricky, you can perv in your clubhouse, we all know what happens, we allow it. What happened back there when it’s busy? You dropped that pork chop, I didn’t drop shit I was busy. And we allow it. We allow it. If it’s a good pork chop we allow it. Because we trust your artistry. And why should a little bit of floor interrupt that artery. I once ate Chinese food with a rock in it. A rock. That’s from the ground. That’s not hair that flutters, or a bug that flies. That’s the ground. That means someone dropped that Chinese food. I Don’t know if you know this about Chinese food, you don’t ever drop some. Of the Chinese food. It’s not compartmentalized. Oh that one model was indicated to the dish. You either never drop the Chinese food, or you start making new Chinese food because all of it slid out like a wet wig onto the floor. That’s what happened someone got a dustpan and then served it to me. It was so good that I looked around for more rock and didn’t find any clean plate clubs. That’s what I did. Out of respect for the person making that Chinese food. But Benny Ah chef, you don’t get that liberty, you don’t get that freedom. You’re a magician with no sleeves. You’re a magician with no sleeves, you can’t hide tricks. Imagine, just imagine dropping into that position right now. Bam you’re that guy. Fuck. What’s happening.? I’ll figure it out. Am I a poker dealer? Why is this table on fire. I understand I get it. I’m one of those guys. What are there children here, get away this is dangerous. Okay. I’m gonna get this, get through this. Brain is here. It’s your birthday oh shit. Ah. happy birthday it’s Brain’s birthday. We don’t do a song here, no one is singing. I guess we don’t do that. What do you want what do you want for your birthday dinner you want me to turn half an onion to a volcano chew chew train. What does that maven mean, is that like a metaphor, or a red hot chili pepper. Ah. chew chew. Under a bridge. I don’t know. Okay okay. Who else is here, Trish rishi Trish. Trish you showed up in another joke that’s great. Really doing a lot of heavy lifting during this set. Brian birthday Trish’s rhimpi can do that, it’s clear and then it’s not and then it’s done. Wait what. I can’t just make the shrimp, no of course not, you want me to cut the tails off, and you want me to balance them on my biggest sharpest knife, and then you want me to flip them into the hair. And catch them in my hat. Are you fucking with me right now Trish. God. ah. And your just so tense and nervous and wound up and confused and knives. Knives. Nine manslaughter charges because you killed brians entire office birthday party because you couldn’t handle the restoration of balance, but if it’s’ a true freaky Friday switch that means the beanie hanoa chef has to show and do my job, and maybe it’s not as easy as it seems like to the outside world but maybe be at night with my joke notebook out in a stool and the thing is I don’t write jokes in my joke notebook I just write ideas and then positive affirmation with them afterwards, so maybe a guys would just pop in hear and a tall hat full of shrimp parts you know. With some initial confusion, pretty strange, what’s happening here. And he goes over to read the instructions  And then he looks and it says don’t say Spooktacular unless it’s Halloween otherwise you’ll sound like a gay racist. And then he’ll look for some sort of explanation but there is none, it just says don’t worry buddy you’ll figure things out. Chicago thank you so much.

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