Jo Firestone – The hits

Jo Firestone – The hits

Hot and Fresh

(clapping noises)thank you, how’s everyone doing, good? Uhh , so this will butler, will is going to be playing. Will is going to be playing some songs, it’s’ going to be like This American Life, you know how they play songs wherever like, yeah. Yeah yeah. That’s really good. This American Life. So we’re going to be doing that, there are going to be a lot of musical interludes, keep it fresh and hot. I did want to warn you guys that my comedy does have a target audience, it’s women that don’t want to have fun, so if you’re one of those people you’re in the right place. If not I’m sorry. 


You guys ever get a haircut thinking it will change your look? But then you remember you still have your fuckin face? That really sucks, it really sucks I know I need to get a haircut  but it’s like what’ the fucking point. Every time I look the same. I get the same haircut and get different haircuts. I always look the same. I look like the national treasure symbol and eyeball and pyramid. When I graduated college my mom was like I’m going to get you a present. It’s a haircut from the guy that cut all my lady friends’ hair, and I was like okay. And I went to his place. It was called Ronnel’s. It had two ns and no d. And uh, I went to this place, and it was run by Ronnel and his 17 assistant, and basically he came and he was like, what do you want to be, and I was like I want to be a comedian and he was like okay I’ll make you look like comedian. And that was my first mistake. He was like I’m going to make them laugh at you right away. He did, it’s been stuck ever since, Ronnel curse. But I feel like it’s an interesting time to do comedy. If you go on the internet it’s so terrible. I watch the news from the internet. It was a terrible palace where you learn about terrible things. When the internet first existed people were like so stoked they were so excited, they went straight to yahoo dot com just because they were excited, not even their homepage, yahoo dot com, it’s so great. But not it’s like, you find out all these terrible things you don’t know what yo do, in this part of album if you’re a Trump supporter stop listening, but I feel like it’s hard to know what to do you can do to protest, and retweet things I did that oo, not much you can do , it sees like, so I’ve been reaching out to psychics to find out when he will be impeached and I’m playing phone tag with this one psychics which is the first sign that maybe she’s no good, I finally got a hold of her and the first thing she told me, she said I can tell your weak. I think she might be our ticket out of here. I think she knows exactly what’s going on, to know that right off the back just from my ohh hello very good psychic. 

Social Stuff

I hate to say this to a very nice person. Such a nice room. Maybe. We’re all idiots, so many of us are idiots, maybe not all of us but most of us. At airport especially we get so stupid. Like, I feel like you could be lined up, you could be linked up, like I’m in line for muffins. 12 of us realize that we’re not in line for anything, we’re not in line for anything, we’re just standing in a straight row. But we’d still be like what happened when the muffins went away, do we have? Did we miss our flights? It’s just, like I was going through security and the TSA guys as like, have a good flight, and I was like you too. That’s stupid that was a dumb move but then I was like you know what I gotta ask, and I was like hey man how many people say you too knowing your not going anywhere, he said two thirds. Two thirds of us are saying you too to a man whose asking up, it’s crazy we’re all so stupid  I don’t know what to do, I’M part of the majority, but I don’t know what to do.  How to get smarter you could read but who cares, it was raining the other day, and I saw a guy pull out his smart phone and go, it wasn’t supposed to rain. It’s raining buddy, it’s raining, what are you gonna do about it, it’s raining, what can we do, looking at your little square so stupid. I do think I’m a little bit more negative towards people because I’m bad at social stuff. That might be a problem if anyone here is bad at social stuff, that’s a trick because if you view your good at it, that’s the trick, the people who are bad they stay quiet. They look at their neighbor and they’re like…. I’m bad at social stuff, I’ll always do the wrong thing, if you ever ask me advice just do whatever I didn’t tell you to do. Just that’ sits’ that’s the rule. I went in an elevator the other day, and I was by myself so I farted and that’s legal. But then I got down to the lobby and I saw something new and I saw her walk toward the elevator and that’s the moment 17 magazines have been warning about. For decades. Just preparing you for all kinds of seniors. What do you do in that situation you don’t like, don’t please, don’t. I made a stink, you can’t, you can’t. You have to let it go, terrible. I sent an email. The subject was I’m sorry and the body was blank. I have a lot of friends who like to touch, I like to touch when they say hello. It’s’ like Hello. Get your little fingers into her, get a little squeeze in the huge, I’m done with that, I’m through. I had a friend who tried to kiss me on both cheeks. She said hello and I had to push her into the river. Can’t tolerate that, you don’t need friends that demand touch, I also stopped making eye constant during oral sex. Does any one else here make eye contact during oral sex? Even just a check in? I knew this was a check in crowd. You don’t have to, you don’t have to if you’re down here doing what you have to do, you can’t make smiling eyes. You’re in there, you’re doing your work, the only expression you’re going to have is fear, and you don’t need to confront someone with that when you’re in her pleasure zone. If you go home tonight and do that to avoid eye contact, just tell them the comedy show is cool, and they’ll be like good good, get down there. Everybody loves oral. 

Ya Dumped

I guess, well I guess, that you can surmise that I’ve had a lot of boyfriends, anyone had a lot of boyfriends, okay. Well. The thing is that, well if you had some boyfriends and it didn’t work out, it’s probably their fault, they’re bad ones, but if you’ve had a lot of boyfriends and it didn’t work out, it’s your fault you’re the problem. You’re the one. Like I’ve had so many boyfriends, the first boyfriend I had was in the fifth grade. His name was Brad but he couldn’t’ say his rs’ so everyone called him bead. He was so cute he had hair in the shape of a bowl, and he was so cute and we would go out, and every Friday after school he would call me on the phone and be like, hello is Joanna there, and I’d be like this is she, and uh, he’d be like Joanna ya dumped. And I’d be like oh no, and then the weekend would be desiccating, oh no I’m single again, what am I going to do ,and then Monday would around and he’d be like do you want to get back together, and then we got five days bliss, five days of bliss, in the school yard the classroom, and then Friday afternoon would come around again. I’d get the call, ya dumped, it’s heartbreaking. Now I have that voice in my head whenever I do something that involves rejection. It’s like I get fired from a job, Joann ya dumped, I do a bad joke, ya dumped. I throw up in the back of a taxi cab, ya dumped ya dumped ya dumped. It’s rough, it’s always there, it’s always there. Hey will. (music) that added a lot of gravity, what was that one called (it was called maybe yesterday was better than now) you didn’t just make that up right now did you? (it was written on this paper) what was it again? (maybe yesterday was better than) that’s gorgeous (thank you) c’mon? Will has always got new words. 

An Hour on Raisins

I have a friend, I have a friend who has enough friends, who told me he prefers raisins to grapes, so what can I deduce about him? Well, he’s a sex offender. What else can we learn about him, if he prefers raisin to grapes? Before I get into this, who likes raisins, who wows, who whew? You like raisin, you say I’m hungry I’ll get a handful of raisin, and I’m no longer hungry. You eat them plain. You chew them up and love theme. You swallow them, you, is it part of a meal, or a snack. A snack. May I ask you, what’s another snack you like. It really does feel like you’re a planet, but you’re not, you’re not, I feel like everyone was thinking you’re gonna say walnuts and then you did! Oh my god. No, I mean, most people, do you like raisin better than grapes, no. even walnut girl. Likes grapes better than rains, saying you raisins better than grapes is like saying you like Pamela Anderson better now. You know, it’s like the same product at different times in life, it’s crazy because the factories don’t even like raisins, they really stuff those boxes full, the raisins practically open themselves. You even open a bag of hcip, and you’re like there’s not that many chips. A family sized thing of chips and your like that’s not enough for a family, but a normal box of raisins is enough for three families. This is plenty for three families. Nobody likes raisins, we give them to children. It’s candy, don’t worry about it. We lie to them, we lie to them to eat raisins. This is a little segment from my hour on raisins, it’s only available on tidal. Uh, for some reason comedy central did not want it. 

State Mandated Period Joke

But I checked it out. Has anyone here been on a date with someone where there has been a big age gap? Big age gap? Yeah who said it? Younger or older? Older, oh thank god. Okay because you seem like you’re in your twenty, how did it go, great, are you still with them, yeah. Are they here? No. you didn’t want to bring them? They couldn’t get a ticket. So you bought yours for yourself. You got in by standby, and you didn’t think that you wanted to bring them. Too old. Too old to stand. I’ve done, I don’t want to ask you any more questions. I’ll just find out more and more, and I don’t know which direction. Thank you for talking to me. I’ve had half a glass of rose and a pop tart. I’m crazy. I went on a date with someone older than me. I wasn’t sure how much older and I didn’t know how to bring it up at dinner. Who cares? Who cares? I end up back at someone’s apartment, that’s when I realized he was much older than, because he such nice stuff like a couch he’d never eaten on. Like if you feel old, you got spike  a few crumbs on your couch you gotta eat on your couch, I didn’t know how to bring it up, it felt so awkward, who cares, who cares who cares, I end up having sex with someone, we’re bouncing we’re bouncing. And I was like maybe this is the time to ask. You know I’m like excuse me sir, could you tell me how old you are, and he goes I’m 56, wow. That’s way older than I thought, and he goes how old are you? I’m 29 at the time, so I go, I’m 25. And he goes oh man, I thought you were younger. Oh no no no, bad boy, bad boy, everyone wants a little grape. Everybody wants a little grape. raisins want a little grape. That’s a bad boy, bad boy, what can you do, you’ve already had sex with someone given them your guided, what can you do, what can do you, sometimes, the body says I got, sometime the body says let me get this one. And my body you know what my body did, I don’t always like my body, but sometimes it really pulses through for you. My body had it’s period all over his bed. It was so much, don’t worry about him, he has an in unit washer and dryer, cause he’s so old, so old! So old! So old! Speaking of period, has anyone heard of phix? Phix? I’ll tell you what it is, it’s basically underpants you can go period in, but it’s like if I want to go period why do I have to buy something. But a lot of people say it’s very absorbent but so is denime. 

Talent Shows

Anyone do their talent show as a kid, anyone? Ayy who? Is you talent whistling. Do you whistle at a lot of things, or was that just getting you going? Do you whistle? No, don’t. Don’t apologize for whistling that’s’ an oxymoron. Okay, so you whistle, what’d you do? Yeah. okay. I no, okay. May6be I say, who has done a talent show, yo whistle, the most confident way today, I did, then when I asked you a follow up question you said music. Give me something. You were in a band, what’ is the band? That’s perfect. That’s is just about, do you keep in touch with the other members of recyclable ?the drummer, it’s always the drummer. It’s it the drummer. Oh man, I did my middle school talent show, did you do your middle school talent show, what did you do? What did Ms. Hickman? Where is Lindsay Hickman now? Oh my god. Let’s just, let’s not. let’s give a moment to think about Lindsay Hickman, I hope she’s doing alright, will always bring it back to reality. I did a middle school talent show. I was in my middle school talent show. We decided to do a dance to come on over by Christina Aguilar. And we decide we are all going to wear the same thing, and we all agreed, we were going to do leather pants and a belly shirt, I went home and I was freaking out, I don’t want to wear a belly shirt, I don’t have, and I told my mom and she was like I have a plan. My mom went out and she got me a skin colored leotard and drew a belly button on it, and you know what, from far away like on stage, it really did look like a leotard with a belly button on it. But the point of the story, the moral of the story is that it never pays off, to be verbal. Berbal is the right one, why don’t you give us a little bit more music. That was so good, what was that called. It’s called don’t lick that one, it’s the salty one. Well I think you should choose someone in the audience to do it next time, are your eyes okay? They’re burning, are you upset? You want a poptart, I can only have 80 more, okay I hope you feel better. If you want an inch of rose, cause I can’t give this to you. 

Yogurt Heads

Is anyone here from here? That might have been me. Always a ready way to ask that question. Anywhere from a lower part south? Really ruining, anyone, where is everyone from at once? I heard the Midwest. I’m from the Midwest, is anyone from the Midwest, okay. That’s great, Midwest, has anyone never been to the Midwest. Oh my gosh I can tell you all about it, we love beef. We love putting flags into of our doors we love doormats, anything you put in front is great. Let’s see, people love being all American, that’s a big thing about being in the Midwest. I think it’s because we don’t have water. So we have to love the land. But so, people love. My family is super all American. My dad and my brother loved high school. My mom has a ton of aprons, and I’m a little different from them. Just a little different. I like to talk about yogurt. Do we have any yogurt head’s in the audience? I thought we would  have some yogurt heads, yogurt heads let me hear you say yooo, it’s at least a fourth. I want to say something real quick. I have done this joke before and recently did it at an ACLU benefit and there were no yogurt heads, and everything I thought about the ACLU is wrong. Yogurt heads are you out there still. Yogurt head let me ask you a question, do you find the older you get yogurt becomes a creamy dessert? Yogurt heads you ever call Greek yogurt the thick stuff, yogurt heads say it with me, fruit should be at the…. Bottom. Okay I’m done with this bit, that was fun, it was fun. 

Daddy Dollars

I mention my dad, we, my brother and I really wanted to be allowed, anyone in here get allowance as a kid? what did you get? Three dollars, your parents gave you that once? Such a weird number, did that go up or down? that’s . that’s so weird. They were like, two dollars, too little but four dollars they’re gonna be spoiled, okay three dollars. Anyone get something different. No. anyone get something different than three dollars. I feel like I’m being punked. Did you really get two dollars. Hey, it’s like your parents were like one dollar is not enough and… did anyone get something else. Are you having the same conversation? Are you saying you got a video game? Every week. Oh my. Okay people, Brooklyn is outraged. That does sound pretty sick, I mean I’d love what gaming system. Nice! So are you, are you 25? Nice. It’s like the reverse of that joke I made before. I got it, so my brother and I both really wanted to be allowed. We begged my dad for years. Five us an allowance, all the other kids are getting an allowance. Please. And finally one day he was like okay we’re giving you an allowance. And we were like this is amazing, this great, but what we didn’t realize was that he had an elaborate plan to trap us. And, so, what he did, what his plane entrained, he went to Kinkos with a bunch of one dollar bills, and he photoshopped his face where George Washington’s is, which is– I will remind you of a felony. And, then what he did not then, this is not the worst part, he did name the currency daddy dollars. Which is, the worst name of any currency at any strip club. These daddy dollars, the worst part about it, the most fucked up part was the economy he set up. The daddy dollar economy was so screwed so basically we got 2 daddy dollars a week if we were good, we weren’t that good, to get a candy bar, to put a chocolate bar in our hands, our young hands, costs 60 daddy dollars. To rent a movie, 120 daddy dollars, and then to just choose where the family went out to dinner just to say the words ruby Tuesdays, it was going to cost us 750 daddy dollars. The system was so fucked. We just meant to stay home, he thought he was so brilliant. We would do anything for daddy dollar, we would do anything. Anytime we could do anything for daddy dollars we’d take it, we’d shove them under our beds, hoard them, every time we got a chance we got daddy dollar we’d take it and we never would spend them because we wanted to do something with them, we didn’t see American money for like 3 years, and at this point my brother was like driving. Okay, finally, my brother was like he confronted my dad, and he’s like dad the system is bullshit. And my dad was like you. Like he was just waiting for us to say something and then he abolished the program overnight. Which is great in the long term, in the short term I had a wheelbarrow full of worthless currency. East Germany over here, I have a babska only like the Kaiser has made a mistake. Take this for beans. Now I’m so bad at money, it’s crazy. I’m so bad with money. I spent 22 dollars getting here, and I did not take a cab. 

Nasty Business

Is anyone here single, anyone here in a relationship? I used to be single but now I’m in a relationship, it isn’t that relatable. I get, when I was single I used to hook up with strangers. It’s nasty business, touching someone you don’t even know, leaving your fingerprints all over their naked body, what if there was a crime. And with strangers you can’t really be yourself. You have to be this pleasant version of yourself, I don’t need water, I don’t need air. It’s strange that we lie to them, before we do this disguising, it’s so disguising. Why is this thing we have to do? It’s just strange to fake it, you know. Like, when you’re with someone for the first time and you don’t know them, you do have to talk, cause you can’t always have your mouth on something you do have to talk about. What do you talk about, you can’t really talk about your feelings of insecurity, so you have to talk about what’s in the moment. You talk about their body, try to make them feel good about the main thing, so go back and forth, oh man your back is soft you know. What’s back there features? Oh my god, your neck is so long, was your momma a swan. You’re trying to make them feel like a bird. If you haven’t felt like a bird during sex your doing it wrong, I’ll say that. So I was with the guy, and  one time, we were going back and forth, oh dang nice fart oh dang that works. It’s was fine, it was fine. And then he goes to grab my butt, and then he goes, whoa you don’t  have a butt. Which should, to be honest I don’t have much of a butt my back just connects to my legs, and there is an asshole in there, it’s a function. I’ve come to terms with it. I’m 30 years old and I’ve been in enough old navy dressing rooms to know where my problem areas are. I don’t know why they light them like that, do they not want you to buy shirts. But, like, I don’t know. If he’s like this on night one, what’ the wedding going to be like. Do you knw that expression you learn in first grade, like don’t have sex with rude people? Remember it, it clicked in, and I was like I shouldn’t have sex with this person, I have to give him one. And I was like, thinking of something, thinking of something. And I was like, if I don’t have a butt then where has all this diarrhea been coming from? To be honest I came up with that four months later. I think at the moment I said something like. Oh now. I like u. It’s okay , it’s okay, try not to have sex with bad people. I feel like I think a lot about my body. I don’t like my body like a lot of people. But a lot of people women’s body like to say they’re different fruits. Pears, and lemons, and honestly my body type is pigeon. I have been trying to go to the gym. I went to the Y for 15 minute so I feel like I’m on the right track. I do have trouble at the gym, and I told my friend and she was like you should try just going for a run. And I was like that’s easy, oh just try. It’s Just like meditation or q tips, oh just try it. If a friend tells you to just go for a run, they’re not your friend. They’re’ not your friend, and she didn’t even tell me I needed  a sports bar. I almost ripped my tits off. Maybe we should get another song in there. Make eye contact with anyone you want. If you make eye contact with you, you can stand up. I, I hesitate to asked for looking stupid. Oh okay. Very good. I thought you were goin to say that. Are you okay? He’s better than ever. 

Taco Truck

I tried to exercise because I struggle with depression and bad thought and I thought maybe that would help, I feel like, I don’t know about you guys, I have a bad attitude, one of the highlights of the last, one my biggest highlights of the last year I went into a bathroom after Keira Sedgwick came out and there was pee in the seat. That was the biggest highlight. I was like, she hoovers too. I tried to kill myself twice, but the darkest I’ve ever  felt is when I had to take a shit in a plastic bad in my kitchen. No further questions. You guys live in the city. You guys hate it? I hate it so much, I hate this city. This is New York if you’re listening. We should just say we’re in Boston, what about drinking? I just, I hate living in the city, I got mugged the other day, anyone else get mugged? Never a whew for mugging. Always a somber clap. I got mugged the other day. I ordered a taco at a taco trunk and this woman comes up behind me and starts wrestling me for my wallet. And it’s like, in these situations there are two normal stress reactions: fight and flight. There is actually a third reason I found out, it’s to make cartoon noises until they go away. No stop, c’mon go away! Give me a break, get out of here, and the crazy thing is that it worked. She ended up running into a tunnel painted on a brick wall. Afterwards the taco truck guy was like who are you okay? And I was like I think so, and we had this moment, and you know that feeling when you think you’re about to get free tacos? And then you don’t! NO COME GIVE ME A BREAK. A real ya dumped. Ya dumped ya dumped. 

Croissant Sandwiches

I feel like I’ve been kind of a downer. I’ll scoop you back up, here we go, fun times, here we go, fun positive, here whew. Did you guys know, whew hew, do you guys know, that you can take everything off of a sandwich and uh put it on a croissant. That’s pretty great huh, that’s really gun, it you haven’t done it, you have no excuse they have them at burger king, it’s the best. It’s the best, it takes, it transformer it from a lunch into Christmas. It’s so great, it’s so great. I was like if I can do that with sandwiches I can suddenly start wearing the right sized underpants. Man did you know if you get the right sized underpants you don’t think about it all day? That’s the best. You don’t think this is high or this is so low, you just think about current events and it’s great. I also stopped opening my mouth when I went to greet dogs. That way you don’t have to taste them you can just be like ooh a dog, that’s pretty fun, that’s pretty great. I also got off Facebook that’s pretty great. Anyone here on Facebook? And you like it? No we don’t.  It’s terrible I got addicted to photos, I was looking ta photos, if I met anyone of you tonight I’d have to do some clicking and I’d look tall of your photos for the last decade I’d look at them, it’s sick, it’s sick, but if you were to come up to me, with three actual photos, like this is my child. I’d be like I don’t have time for this. I don’t have time for this. It’s so weird. I did, I have a new hobby, this is something fun, I started going to pharmacy, I started going, and I go to buy candy, and it’s’ great they got portions great prices, and it’s really fun, and I was telling my girlfriend about it, you got to try it you go to pharmacy you get a bag of gummy bears. Funny because when I go to buy a pregnancy test, I’ll buy a bag of gummy bears because then it doesn’t look like I’m just buying gina  redcandy est. and I was like, I don’t think that’s how it works. But I’m not one to argue with someone that might be pregnant, so I started to think about maybe it does work like, maybe I can make this logic work for me. So I started buying a pregnancy test with my gummy bears. Makes me look like I’m making all kinds of misteas. Mayb ei got a sweet tooth and maybe I got cum inside me. Who knows, who knows clerk. I don’t know, well, just get some tunes, let’s hear another song. Really? Yeah. OH. oh no.  no. no. this is very experimental. No, maybe something a little fun. (I did that, I did that, what did you do? I did that, what did you, I did that ) that was fun, that was a good team. Oh it’s still going. (thriller) this will come out who knows when, who knows. You can listen to it around Halloween. 

Celebrity Lookalikes

I feel like I know a lot of you, some of you I don’t know. Those are the people I don’t like. I don’t like strangers. Is anyone here like strangers? NO! Strangers are terrible. It’s uh, I get more affected by strangers than friends or family. If I’m half way up the door on the way to the club and my mom is like you wearing a hat jacket with that haircut, honey you look like michael moore. I’ll be like he’s good at what he does. Like water on a whale runs  right off me. But if I’m like walking down the street, and a stranger is like moving, I’m like I got to move. I got to move to another state. I don’t know why, I don’t like strangers, I take cabs a lot. And I don’t normally talk to cab drivers, because they’re strangers, except to tell them my home address. Well sometimes I do start with a joke, Sometimes I do open with a joke. It goes like, it works about 15 percent of the time, you’re welcome to use it. You get in there, and you say, hey man, you must have a lot of friends because everyone has been waving at you. And sometimes they laugh, and sometimes they say what, and then you get to tell the whole joke again, this does not work for apps. Don’t try it with apps, it does not work with apps. I got in a cab the other night, I didn’t do the joke, I was really chill, this guy was driving me home, and started looking at me. And I’m like, oh no. and I’m like oh no no. And he keeps looking at me, and I’m like, no. And he’s like I gotta tell you something, and I’m like noooo. And he goes, you look like a celebrity, I mean what a relief, that’s a great thing to tell someone, especially a woman in this country, they only make the pretty ones famous. Has anyone here gotten a celebrity look alike? Who? What did you get? What do you look like? What? What are you talking about? Can I just repeat what you just said, you have really similar eyebrows  and people get lost in the ciliary or the eyebrows themselves? No. I just, I never look at someone’s eyebrows in my entire life. Well you got whispers. I don’t know, do you look like Shoshanna. I’m talking to your neighbor. Does she look like Shoshanna. Was that you pretending to be her neighbor? Your neighbor, this is for facts only. Neighbor. Neighbor. Neighbor said hello. Neighbor. I feel like I’m losing my mind. Are you there? Wait wait. You’re not that, are you sitting next to Shoshanna. Oh my god I thought you were two rows back. Okay, still took you a long time, neighbor. Does Shoshanna look like Shoshanna? Guess we got to the bottom of it. Always follow a trail, always worth it, always worth it. Always worth it. That’s what Sherlock Holmes had to do and that’s why he used cocaine. In The fictional book he did. Anyone else gets a celebrity look alike. Let’s Do this again. Anyone else? Who? Can you step into the light? Go ahead come a little further. Here we go. OH you do. Oh thank you so much. Oh good. Yes. wow. Wow. that was good, that was really good. I don’t think we can beat that, Shoshana take note. I guess some celebrities look alike from time to time. It goes on a range from Julie Roberts and Debbie downer, kind of depending on if it’s raining, but it was a dry night that night, and I was feeling pretty cute. I was like wait which celebrity do you think it is and he was like I can’t remember their name.” I was like wait tell me, don’t tell me, tell me, don’t tell me, and I was kind of flirting with him. It was gross. I Was pawing at the plastic between us. You know. I was really acting like a green m and m, anyways, he was really into it, it was because I had forgotten that strangers are out there to punish you. I had forgotten about hat, that stranger don’t care about you, cause you want to know what what he said. Anyone have a guess. You won’t hurt me. Last time someone said I look like David Spade. And they didn’t put young before it. Joan Cusack. All of these are great. Wonderful women in showbusiness would be a story. The character. Or the idea. Harry Potter, no I understand harry potter. Harry Potter, that will explain everything, I’ll just say Harry Potter, no not moaning myrtle, anyone else have another guess, Mrs. Frizzle. Mrs. Frizzle. Don’t do that. This isn’t an auction. Mrs. Frizzle I mean what a world, no I didn’t get Mrs. frizzle she is married by the way. She found someone. No, want to know who he says. This man said I look like finding nemo. Get a good luck take it in, see if you see the same. So I said what. And he said the movie with the fish. I said the whole movie, not a character from the film, not a character in the feature film, with almost no humans in it. He goes, yeah I stand by it. Like it was rude of me to question him. I don’t even like that movie anymore, ruined that move for me., I still can’t stand., wasn’t happy about it, wasn’t happy about it. Will let’s get some more music in here. Whoa. yeah that’s fun. Will what would you say that was called? Always bringing us back to reality again, that’s very good, well, that was such an upbeat song I thought it sounded like a song I heard on the radio. That’s gregarious. Will have this machine although it sounds like a lot of instruments it’s just one, what was the instrument on the machine you were playing? That was organ, with drums? Classic. What’s that. No. no. no it’s not. No. oh it is. Is it. Sounds about right, I like that a lot, what’s that instrument called again, the mellotron. The mellotron. 

I have Been There

So I just, I wanted to, I wanted to leave you guys with this, an exercise. The whole point of this album, if you suck it’s okay. It’s okay to be vulnerable,  it’s okay to be uhh, unhappy with yourself, cause most people are, so this is an exercise that I’ve devised that kind of proves that almost everyone is doing horrible things. Just horrifying things all the time. This is a game called I have been there. Just basically I’m going to say something that’s ruined me, it’s a true fact, and if you’ve experienced it as well yell out, I have been there. You’re thinking, how do I win, sure uhh, so you win if you’ve had the most I have been there, so don’t cheat, if you do, where are we? You know. But if you’re thinking, if it’s a game what do win? You get a hot 51 cents, and your thinking how is it hot? It’s been in my pocket the whole time. Okay? So I’m going to say something if it’s true that you say I have been there. Okay. so will, got some music for this. no , no, it’s too fun, no that’s far to fun, that seems like a jeans commercial. Too, no. that’s like. No no. no. no. no. too much. This is not. Owe. I hate it. Maybe no drums. That works. That’s pretty I like that. Yeah that’s good, anything that reminds people the end is near. That’s really good, it’s like the part of the carnival that no one is lined up for. Okay you guys ready? Sometimes you smile at people in elevators and you’re like why did I do that? Your body gets cold but why are you still sweating? You’ve taken an entire burrito and you ate it like a goddamn farm animal. Later you found rice in your blankets, and you ate the rice from your blankets. Anyone forgotten how to play? You’re afraid of dying mostly because what if they find a blank in your bedroom. You make sad foods like pizza potatoes and mayonnaise as a dip. You don’t know what a pizza is, basically you put a pates and you put it in the microwave for as long as you want, and then you take it out and put any red sauce that you want on it. It could be marinara or ketchup or cocktail sauce. Put on any cheese, and cheese you want, and then put it back in the microwave and you just make sure you know, this is a recipe for one because if you eat it with anyone else you’ll lose them. You talk dogs like they’re babies and you talk to babies like they’re dogs. Even when you’re surrounded by people you eat apples like you’re a wet apple goblin. You’ve tried on so many clothes but none of them fit because they all kind of look like your body. You’ve said man was I thirsty out loud, after drinking a glass of water alone. You think people are giving you a dirty look, but they’re not they’re just looking back at your the way your looking at them. The way you eat oreos is disgusting. You went to traders jokes to buy yogurt and you left trader jokes with something called chocolat paste and no yogurt. You have a friends amed emily and she’s nicer than you and that’s why you hate her. You order something and they give you the wrong thing and say nothing cowardly. You ever see yourself in the mirror butt naked except for your ugly ass socks and you’re like love cannot know this. You cannot spell accommodate but it is what you are best at in your interpersonal relationship. You ask someone to ask, and they’re like no no, I just want to be friends and you’re like no no we are no longer friends. You don’t know what pr is but you do know that you like Claire Danes because she seems smart. Last one. Does anyone feel like they’re winning, this will be the tie breaker. Every time you get out of the subway you touch your eyes and then you’re like why did I do that. Good game, good game. So, now we have, we have to figure out how the winner is. I know it takes a lot of valance to play this game, and I appreciate your guys willingness but the winner is going to take the lot. That’s nice. Cool, okay so what I’m going to have you do is take your little paw and cover your eyes, take your little paw and cover your eyes. Take your little paw and cover your fucking eyes. Now with your other paw if you think you’re the winner if you think you deserve this 51 hot cents okay I want you to raise your hand and wave it all around. Yeah that’s right. Great. Okay. keep waving, okay, okay. We have a winner. We have a winner, um, maybe something a little bit more, a little something more like celebration or something, anything that symbolizes that someone has won something. No no no. no. is that men singing. No. oh no. oh no. oh no. okay that works. Okay we have a winner, they in the back, come on up if you raised your hand. Okay! Okay we have a hot 51 cents for you thank you so much. Oh my gosh, what’s your name? Where are you from? A true winner of I have been there walks away before the interview, just takes the money and walks away. That’s perfect, you succeeded, that’s the willy Wonka at the end, he’s like Charlie you can’t keep it. Guy shtis has been so fun, thank you for having a show here, big tank to union hall bit thank you to will butler, thank you so much, have a good night.

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