Eddie Pepitone – In ruins

Eddie Pepitone – In ruins

Rounds of applause

(Piano) ladies and gentlemen put your hands together for the bitter buddha, Eddie peptone. Yeah! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, how about a round of applause for the comedian who were out here. Round of applause if you thought Lincoln’s death was inevitable, just because of how it played out, with the south and the hatred of the south, round of applause if you think it was inevitable. Yes. Right. Round of applause if you cannot access god. Round of applause. What, I can’t access god. What is all this talk lately, of accessing god, through mediation pilates, I have friends who are accessing god, I cannot access god. I just think that comedians who do that kind of vapid round of applause bullshit, I think they should do just more interesting rounds of applause. Like, to draw you in, round of applause, if you are caught in a web of lies, so interact with your wife that one small mistake on Facebook one small liking someone who shouldn’t be liked, just a tiny photo like, and your life comes down like a house of cards. Round of applause, round of applause. And round of applause if that anxiety manifested itself late at night when you have your sleep apnea mask on. This is also the comic who doesn’t realize he’s talking about himself. He thinks he’s relating he’s being too damn specific. You know, round of applause if that anxiety, if it manifests when you have sleep annp[ea on, by the way your sleep[ apnea mask has a Spiderman decal on it. Because you think that makes sleep apnea cool. Round Of applause. But round of applause fi the anxiety is too much. I  mean just fucking much. Round of applause if your sick of being a good fucking person all the fucking time. And the fucking leader, and round of applause the leaders nat the people that rule the country they have no moral center, why do I have to, I mean you. I am sorry. Round of applause if you’re sick of having a moral center when everything around you doesn’t have a moral center. Everything around you is just greed and profila like you’re supposed to get up and be mr. goody fucking two shoes. Round of applause around of applause if you think Brooklynn which is where we are, and this is for the viewers, you know where you most of you. Round of applause if you think Brooklyn has gotten to sauced with grilled cheese shop and peanut butter shops. What kind of burrow is this where you can get grilled cheese, grilled cheese sandwiches maybe people in Brooklyn should start thinking instead of eating grilled cheese sandwich and specialty peanut butter, maybe they should start organizing for lower fucking rents, they’re all so wrapped up in grilled cheese, and cinnamon swirl raisin peanut butter. Which is deckois. I will not deny that I had some today, but I go into these stores with a reminious alert consciousness. And where are the do whoops groups in Brooklynn, they sussed to be on every  fucking corner have they been rounded up and pout in camps, that’s the Brooklyn I remember round of applause if that the Brooklynn. 

Male Model

Feeling a little hot already. Yes i know, and now that you’ve seen the whole package. I want to answer the question that you’re all thinking and the answer is yes, I have had a lot of work done. I had my hair removed, and my belly let out, because I was too pretty, too pretty. I was a male model, I was a male model. I would leave a house with a too list and I couldn’t get anything done, because men women children and animals would lunge at my house, they’d be like hey Eddie fuck me, fuck me Eddie, I’d be like look at the to list,. I have to pick up printing paper, and twine for the recycling. They didn’t care. They were like fuck me fuck me fuck me. So in order to get things done, I said to a dermatologist in LA, I said please make me look like you people basically. I Was like, I want to feel what it’s like to cry during the day like you folks. Because male models we do not cry during the day, we fuck and fuck and then we are given small monogram sweaters. 

Hockey Fights

By the way I do rant and rave but I did just get this hat in. I actually feel really good about it. Did you ever buy a hat, where you liked it so much you look in the mirror and you’re like holy shit, this hat kind of makes up for the life that wasn’t well lived. Yes i spent thirty years in a stoned out phrase matubatring to hockey fights, but that’s because I did not have this fucking hat. And by the way I mastbatue to hockey fights because they are unpredictable. I do not like porn, it’s very predictable and what is it with my my relationship with pron. The only way I can watch porn if is if someone ‘s life is then in the scenario. 

Make them laugh

By the way i heard you not laughing there. And, it’s up to you whether or not you want to laugh, by I am dedicating this set to, I just visited a hospital in the neighborhood, I am dedicating this set to a little boy little Tomson, he was born with no bones, he’s a liquid, a liquid in a bag with no bones, he’s a puddle. With a Metcalf. And you know who the Mets are, the last forty years, since Tom Seaver really. I mean, and he managed to squid out to me, before I left the hospital, he said, Make them laugh. I, I, I, he he I don’t know how he makes a voice but it’s just through the liquid vibration hit the Metcalf and there is sound, and he was like I know it’s’ a very tense television taping for you and i know your very neurotic, and you think this night defines you, you whole fucking life. As if one hour can define someone as rich and varied as yourself and you’re basically a self-sustaining person anyway I’m digressing, he was a verbose kid for being a puddle, a verbose kid, but he was like maybe if they laugh I’ll grow a spine. Don’t feel like you have to laugh but this is for little Timmy. 

The hat bit

The thing I love about the hat too, is that when you throw it, when you throw it you have to say something great. What’s your name sir? Murph? That’s a great New York name. You don’t get murph in Nebraska, you know what you get in newbrawki, corn and despair, just long pockets of windy days, wind despair, Monsanto crops. I’m digressing again. So murph, I’m going to throw to you. The great thing about when you throw a hat, and then throw it back right away, costs a lot of money. By the way, i just want to cop to the fact to that I am not a male model, and i never was. I’ve put on so much weight lately, that when I drop something, I look at it, and I go do I really need that? Anybody know what I’m talking about. I mean I’ll look at it, it’ll be my license, I’ll believe, I’m white I don’t get pulled over a lot. Did you see what I did there, I snuck in, some social commentary. No no no. The reason I do that is most people just want me to talk about Batman and pussy. Batman and pussy. False Gordon and porn, something. That’s what we want, Eddie, but anyway. When you throw a hat, you always have to say something great, I’m goin to throw it to you murphy. It’s like, baby I got a raise. You can’t say something bad, like, they found blood in my urine. You can’t say that. I fucked your sister honey! That’s the hat bit. I bought that hat for 80 dollars for that bit. I, was not going to spare any expense tonight, the doop wop grousp are gone., lets make it his a night to remember. .

Charlotte

I know i rant and rave  but I, I come off like an angry guy, but I recently found a couple things, that make me happier. I got this little terrier dog. She’s a rescue dog, charlotte. You ever get a dog and your so freaking attached attached to him. Like she’s a rescue so she feels abandoned, and I’ve always felt abandoned. So we’re both on the same wavelength, if I forget something on the second floor she follows me, then I’m following her. All over the apartment. Charlotte are you okay. Yes I’m okay. Do you need a treat, i need something. You need something I need something. You’re lucky to see me you really are. You hit a homerun. I know you’ve had to go through some claidsetnic, but you really hit a homerun by coming out here. What the hell else are you going to do. I have cahoalroote now. By the way the reason I love dogs, I have five cats, andi fucking love cats, there is a tremendious teremoisou feline love, and I have five cts and dog. I know what you’re thinking god what a renaissance man. But there are no dogs so much more immediately. And i prefer them, much prefer them. This is not offensive, I just much prefer them over people, just unconditional love. You people you’re just cunning deceitful fucks. No offense. You’re ruining people’s lives as we speak. Person next to you oh yes Julie, definitely definitely we’re together forever. But dogs they are so in the fuckin g moment, get in the moment. Yea yeah yeah you have a bad disease, but dogs, let me check twitter, no no no hopefully he’ll pull through. 7 notifications. But i have charlotte. And I’ve turned charlotte. Round of applause. This is a real one, if you own a dog. Not enough of you, a lot of strays, get on it. It’s not about you. Hcare for other assholes, enough grilled cheese and peanut butter and smoking pot and jerking off to twitter thumbnails, sorry I’m going off again about myself. But I’ve turned my dog, into my shirk I’m talking to her now, as if she’s my shirk, because I’m bored to tears with my real shrink. We understand each other, I’m there to fill an hour, she gets some insurance money. But now I talk to my dog like shes’ my shrink. Charlotte, you don’t hink I have diabetes do you? I mean, they fuck up blood work all the time. Those centifuges they use, a lot of them are suspect. Charlotte, you don’t think the cops saw me side swipe that car? In the shopping supermarket parking lot, I mean the police would be here already right? Charlotte. It’s not too bad that I threaten people anonymously online right, Charlotte I have enough money in my bank account online right? By the way if Charlotte knew how much money I have in bank account, instead of running and chasing balls she’d just be in the apartment smoking cigarettes. Just like great, I thought I landed on my feet here. What the fuck I can’t believe it. Another guy on the cusp. 

Commercials

The other thing that has been making me feel good lately even though i rail against it. Corporate culture once in a while I like when I get a new product, and I get a new Honda element vehicle. And i fucking love it, because it’s kind of big, you know, and I like that, because there is room to wheep, there is so much room to wheep in this car. There Is a lot of space for bad. I can regret my past life decisions in my car with satellite radio. Just kick it back. Be just more honest in their advertising, I would respect corporations more. Like if an oil company was more honest in their ads. I think this would be a great ad for an oil company. A guy seal company is out in a suit, next to him is a dolphin tied up in a steel tensile capable. And there is oil all over it, and he’s like alright, i hear a lot of you are talking to switching to solar and wind, alright, and also some of you, not a lot of you because your too involved in grilled cheese, but some of you, are demonstrated against fracking just because it’s destroying your water supply. You keep that behavior you keep switching to solar or wind or demonstrating against fracking and we kill a dolphin every five minutes. BOOM, that’s one. That was pregnant as well. We don’t give a fuck. We destroy prince William we destroy the gulf of Mexico, your fucking next. They always smile at the end. I never book commercials because I was always too angry, but I did think, because it’s that world that is not connected to anything, that happy world not connected to reality. I would just show up at auditions just furious. But I did think of a commercial I could do, it would be for vikian, because i got addicted to vikien for a few months a few years ago, because I couldn’t’ afford a real vacation. Which is what drugs, that’s what drugs are there vacation for poor people, mini vacation, come home again. Come, come to Vitim. Come. escape your life, I don’t know why I’m doing that accent, it came out in the momenta, and that’s what’s important. I have a great life coach that committed suicide recently trying to get me to do pull ups. He took his life, because of the lack of progress. Here is how the kidan committee would go, I could book this. The camera is panning in slowly toward me. I’m looking at the camera and I’m like vikatan come to think of it, I am a little sore. And it stays on me, as my face gets more and more insane. They Should let actors go, they should let actors go on commitment instead of having them say their horrific bullshit. Like using this credit card! They should just keep the camera on them, use this credit card because I am dying. I am dying and I have to do this bullshit, and all my friends congratulate me when I become a corporate stooge. 

Tossing Facts

But I’ve gotten another thing that calmed me down a little, I’ve gotten married recently. And we’ve been married a couple years, and we’ve been together for about nine years. I don’t know if you guys have experienced this but when you’re with someone that long you just run out of shit to say. You just do. We are now at the point, where we just toss facts back and forth at each other. We just do. I live in la, not come to you, I live in a soulless sunbaked landscape of acpol cyclists proportion. We’ll just be in a car for an hour and a half, dnd then I’ll just hear from my wife, do you know the grey parrot lives to a hundred? And I’m like really, this is what is come to? And I get competitive, like i didn’t know that they fray parrot lives to a hundred. And I’m afraid she’s going to go to sea turtles and I’m not going to know that. I know they live very long I’m not sure. So I’m like fucking, so I’m like, baby don’t start with the length of different caresatures lives. Cause  I know shit aobut sacofin eddie that will knock your fucking socks off. Did you know saco invented the panpi press. I just make shit up. Yes he invented the panini press, and vissie always worked on his abs. Constantly i just. 

Covered in blood

I do the acting thing in la which mean, I spend a lot of time in my apartment just looking througmy blinds goins, what the fuck is marget doing the lbaurny fro, just bullshit because I’m usually covered in blood I don’t know why. By the way I don’t think that people should be ashamed to be covered in blood in this day and age. I’d like to be the union guy for people covered in blood. Look. let’s not be mebrased that we’re covered in blood it’s a fucking tough fucking economy out there. If you can’t wipe it off or stop the bleeding, still go to the job internet, have a cock with you. I will represent you, we’re all covered in blood, just blood coming down. 

Blue collar lounge singing 

But I’ve always wanted to be a singer but I can’t really keep a tune or anything. I’m going to try to do a little here. Just cause I got you guys here. I got you guys here, and i always wanted to be like the Vegas like lounge singer, but i wanted to the guy that sang about real shit. I feel like the Vegas guy sings about bullshit, they’re like I made so much love with you. Bullshit, just sing about real shit, i would be the singer that would be like this, I’d be the Vegas singer like. I am 55 and I have never learned how to fold clothes. I take a nice shirt and I fold the left sleeve and then right and I fold it over and I wind up crumpling it into a ball because it looks like shit because it looks like shit when I fold it. I’m 55. I still don’t know where a crease in a pants is where is the crease in pants? Hey! How come whenever I take a shower, and see a little black mark on my skin i think I’m going to die. I immediately go to death. Black mark holy shit. Scurrying a little gets a little weird, then I go definitely going to die, definitely going to die. And that’s even though i’ve done that many years with other little thing on my body but i always think this is the one. This is definitely the one. I can’t figure out why i want to be alive, yet I’m afraid of dying. What the fuck is that. I can’t figure out why I want to be alive, yet I’m afraid of dying. Is it because every organism goes towards life, or is it because organisms go toward life. I say bring on death. I wouldn’t have to worry about all kinds of shit. Why aren’t i loved by everyone, fuck you, why not? I even get angry at women who don’t look at me as an escalator is passing them by. If I’m going up one way she’s going down another, if I make eye contact and she looks away, I don’t like her, I don’t like her. I have no idea who she is, but i have an resentment that lasts for hours. Sometimes I think about that person at night, how sick is that? I’m not sure why i like to watch murder, real life murder on television, not the fake stuff the real stuff. This dentist had a secret life, and I’m in. can’t turn it off, gotta see it off. Need to see what this stupid fuck dentist from Florida did. And how I watch these shows with something called an eating shirt. I like to watch forensic files at two and three in the morning. It has holes in it and specs of blood. This way when I’m eating soft thing which i love late at night. I love to eat soft thing and eat late at night and watch real life murder. And I have fake tooth in the front of my mouth and I take out and put on the bureau with not water or anything what I am thinking. When I get so involved in this thing called the forensic files I don’t care about this little thing called the flipper tooth. Soft food just dripped down my eating shirt and I love to watch the murder the murder. thank you. 

Reporting live 

I think I missed my real calling, calling  not cooling. Yes I’m indigenous to this area. Got a problem with that? But i think I’m issued my real calling. I think I should have been a reporter in the field for disasters, because I watch disasters on TV and they send reports, like Anderson Cooper who looks all quaffed, and you really get no sense of the disaster because the person they sent there looks so put together. They should have someone like me, just some horrorfiy disaspter, and they just throw it to me, like OH MY FUCKING GOD. HOLY SHIT. and the twist is that I haven’t even left my apartment. I’m just reporting about what I see around me. My cats, i have five cats, they’ve spit up all over the place. What the fuck, one of them urnial on a chair constnatly we buy all kind of shit, no matter what we do. I’m not going to put her down. I’m a vegan, I can’t do it legally, once you declare. I dropped cherriors, this morning, and I get fucking get to them under the fridgator.

Stand up tragedy 

I think the time has come, in this country I think things have gotten so bad, and think they are going to get worse, I think we should close down the comedy clubs and open stand up tragedy clubs, enough of this comedy, people talking about batman dn pussy, I like to high and drunk, fuck it, lets open a up tragedy clubs, this my impersonation, just open up tragedy clubs instead of names like chucklsan the funny bone the names are called like aw fuck. You going to aw fuck tonight. Or just ulcers. You’re going to have perforated ulcers. Or another name for a club, noooo, why don’t we head down to noooo. Let’s head down to noooo. But this would be my impersonation of a stand up tready club, hi good evening folks, um, i just had to put my wife down in a tub. Because we ran out of money and we have no support system, thank you thank you very much. Thank you. After this set I’ll be looking for food on the road, thank you. Thank you. I’m surrounded by so much death that it hurts very much. Thank you very much these are the tragedies folks get with them. Please folks. And my catchphrase instead of getting her done, would just be like, god please save me! And everyone at work the next day would be doing that. Instead of getting her done just around the cooler that’ filled at this point with sulfuric acid, they’d be around the cooler like god please save me, wasn’t he really sad, wasn’t he really sad? 

The price of the Iraq war

But I wish, I wish I’ve gotten so far to the left with all the shit that’s gone on in this country. I wish my politics would bleed into, like game show, because I like to watch game shows like I said I have this competitive element to me. I’d like  to see for an instant, like a woman from Oklahoma has to guess the price of the Iraq war. Instead of a blender. Like, it would be great, she’d be like, the curtain would open and it’s just fucking real life carnaiage., just what real life industrial carnage is. People running around on fire, limbless. She’s just jumping up and down like I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know. And people are yelling like five billion a day. Five billion. Did we wrap up the Iraq war? No, there is a standing army there. Many many troops. Hundreds of guys with training. Does that include agragansian? Ten billion, ten billion a day with afghanistan. Is Guantanamo bay still open? Yes. yes. But I would say ten million, I don’t know I don’t know. Then avet gets up in the audience, you can’t put a price on it. Don’t play their fucking game. War is just big business. They just give us one fucking energy after another, it used to the Russian it used to be gaddafi now it’s Castro, now it’s al quin. They just put a face on fucking fear, they just want to make money. They’re Just making poor people fight rich men’s wars. And she starts. She’s still jumping up and down, and she’s starting to get the message that it’s not a good fucking thing. Don’t you fucking do it. Alright, it’s not right, don’t you fucking. 350 dollars! 

The horsey song

I actually think that pretty soon, because of unemployment, call me an optimist, pretty soon there are going to be legions who are unemployed and they’re not going to have homes, even worse than it is now. And they’re all going to be kept behind barricades. They will have twitter and facebook so don’t worry about that. Sound familiar? But they’re going to be liegson of them, and my job for me is to stay alive. I will be the entertainment. These people will still need to be etneratien. It will be a big podium like a science fiction movie. But instead of doing stand up for them I’m just going to come out in a horsey suit, and sing to these people,and it would go like this, just imagine a legend of disposed people but they’re Americans so they love to be entered, and they’re entertained easily. Just come out in a horsey suit and i’d start singing, well. The, manfcating basin in this country is gone. I’ll give you that. The food supply has been poisoned by Monsanto. I’ll give ya that. Those crops turned out to not be too good. That pesticide called roundup has led to autism, I’ll give you that. There’s a pandemic of viruses and anxieties in this country and all the money has been cut for mental health. I’ll give you that. It’s just an aiton full of temporary workers, who don’t have any benefits because instead of being an organism and being a community, you were on Facebook and twitter and eating grilled cheese. I’ll give you that. Oh, sing horsey the song, sing the horsey the horsey song. 

Magicians

I really hates magicians, I don’t know if you saw the segue there. Just make it up. I hate magicians. They have that long stringy hair, and they’re always doing shit like, oh the quarter the quarter got bigger the quarter got bigger. Hey magician who gives a fuck. You want to do ao trick, make me feel safe in this world. But they can’t do that, they can’t do that shit, they’re always like, the doves the doves came out of the hat, maybe you brough tit that’s my fucking guess, and I’m also guessing that you keep it drugged with an eyedropper with something like valium in it or something else that i like a lot. You keep those poor things drugged and they’re a symbol those doves. Doves in a hat are fucked up. They’re a symbol of peace for the children. Always make someone feel bad when you say for the children, for the children. If someone catches you taking their mail just go, it’s for the children. They won’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. But they’ll be a little hesitant to come at you. Even if you home invasion them, it’s for the children! And I also feel like, if I bought my wife near a magician, I fucked your wife you didn’t see it. Yes i did asshole. I fucked her again. That one I didn’t see, that was a good one, that was a good trick. 

Product snottiness

I can’t stand the snootiest of certain products lately. The way fucking people are sold wine. The way they get into wine is hilarious to me. I was at a dinner party the other day, and my friend actually said, I think this wine has a gleeful finish. If you ever hear a friend saying that, tell him to work in a prison. Because he is not tethered to reality. It’s’ done, it’s gone. He’s living in a gourmet specialty world. I like to fuck with people at a dinner party and take a sip of wine and say you know I disagree. I think it has a silly finish. No really, I think this wine tastes like a car full of clowns. Do you detect notes of a handbasket? I do. Slight hand buxx. No one else, sense the floppy shoes in this wine. It’s’ me. I actually had a friend say to me about a wine, and they always say it like this, this wine, this wine has just the slightest trace, as if you would want anything with a slight slight taste. Slighted hint of the forest floor. And I was like, forest floor. That’s where people get murder, haven’t you seen twin peaks, Cleveland bomber killed Laura palmer in the forest it was brutal, and i think it happens in real life. I do not want murder in my wine. And fucking yelp. Is suppose to help us select products. Have you ever read yelp let’s say a review on a fucking Mexican restareutan and the first yelp review will be like this taco was so good that I wanted to have sex with it. And then the next yelp review will be like this taco killed my entire family, they’re all dead, I’m alone now, wondering in a landscape of broken dreams because of this restaurant. What do you do? It’s sex, apparently the quality varies greatly, day to day, I’ll give you that. And they also sell cigars like that to men, guys who smoke cigars, oh, it’s a vingar, it’s got an oaky rhyme, they start throwing in a jaxx term. There Is a cochon panny  of very psychotic butterflies. Or whatever the fuck they say. They just make this shit up. And they always have to sell cigars. In cigar africano magain there is always seom cliebery like george clony. In a tux with a bigar. What the cover of vinegar affiontary should be it should be a guy in a track about to hit a small child in a wife beater. With a little cigar out of his mouth. Cigars because life is tough. And also I also don’t want to buy a cup of coffee with a backstory anymore. I can’t deal with all the information i get in gourmet coffee shapes about where the coffee was grow how it was grown who died for this fucking coffee, no more backstory to this cup of coffee. It’s just too hilarious. I like to go in to these gourmet coffee shops and fuck with the barista. By the way barista is an Italian word for richter eis no maniguatin base anymore. So we’re giving you the name Batista so you can feel somewhat good about yourself, because you’re making coffee for entitled scumbags. What i like to do is just run into coffee shops and just go hey, what elevation was this coffee grown at. And the sad thing is they usually know that 7000 feet know. 7000 feet, do you think I’m an asshole? I don’t drink anything under 11k . I don’t drink any coffee under 11,000 feet, I’m not a fucking idiot. Neither is my wife, entierh is my children either you get this grown at a higher elevator or I organize the community to get your fucking asses out of this negaitor you people are trash, grwoingi at 7-000 feet. Fucking morons. 

Three point plan

I also hate self help gurus, they’re especially prevalent in la, you know the people who do shit like, i can change your life with my three point plan. What they should say is, I can change your life, my three point plan but you already have to have a lot of money and a good support system around you. My plan does not work for bork and shattered people. It only works for obtusely bored rich people. Sort of it works. I’m not helping the homeless. But i feel like these self help gurus would be around no matter what, if there wan apocalypse, i don’t know what going to come first either an eco meltdown, or a financial ruin which will lead to widespread rits and pure carnage, or nuclear strike which is immediately, by the way thank you for coming. I don’t know which will come first. Buti feel like there would still be a self help guru around. Let’s say there are like fifteen people left on the planet. This is my impersonation of a self help guru with fifteen people left on the planet. Alright. So, we have no water, we have no gas. We have no editable food, we have no electricity except for this mic. Don’t ask me how that works. The ocean have rise, temperature outside are a 110 degree, there are rapid dogs, itetage gangs are raping the surivirors. Lawlessness, carnage. But i say why not realize your goals. A Lot of people are using this apocaly to coward in fear and kill and slaughter each other, i say lose that last ten pounds. And my last ten pounds mean literally the last ten pounds. Now I have a three point plan that can get you through the apocalypse. Number one, learn how to play a musical instrument i believe a twig can be fashioned into a flute. Number two with that skill is finding a mate. Now gentlemen, I know we haven’t seen women since the nuclear strike but I believe if you play the flute they will come. Nothing about music. And number three when you find a woman have a baby and start a new civilization, funny story these soulless corporate fucks. They always have a funny story. Funny story. I was walking, through the forbidden zone, getting better, and I saw a man, eating, a small child. Hold for it. I said to him, is that your boy? He said, it was. I said, do you feel like giving up?” He said I do. I said, what if I had a three point plan that could get you through the apocalypse? He said I’m willing to try. And today he is doing very well, staring at the sun and mastbaiygn on a diamond. 

B 52 bombers

I also hate how the NFL particle has been turned into a commercial for the military. It’s unfucking real. The last super bowl, which was played in Giants stadium, I’m a big fan. They’re always flying b 52 bombers. For some reason, over head of the games, and by the way, if they were going to do that, the least they could have done is drop a couple of good players for the giants. If you’re gonna fly over they suck this year. Yes I am pander to the sports crowd occualisy. But like they always have a big announcement, a great big announce like, “ladies and gentleman flying over head is the 101 airborne division with b-52s combers” I wish these annocueres would tell the truth, like i wish they would be like “ladies and gentlemen are B 52 bombers, each one the b 52 bombers, could be 50 libraries in your community. You would actually have an infracsutruce that didn’t look like it was held together by spit. But instead all you have is an outward manifestation of imperialism evil, enjoy the game!” my point is they cost a lot of money to kill people. 

Insomnia

And the other group of people I can’t get down with are the real new agey people who are not connected to reality. I have really bad insomnia. Once in a while I will call up one of my new age friends, and I’ll be like, I can’t sleep, what should I do? Oh Eddie, just drink some sleepy tea. And i’m like, sleepy time tea? Oh really? Ist that going to make up for the fact that I was molested? And i owe three guys five grand by friday? And I endured being kept in a steel box for the first 25 years of my life with two pin prick holes in them? Through one of the holes I was kept alive with an eye dropper of high fructose corn syrup which it turns out is very bad for you. And through the other hole I could just barely make out a naked man in a clown mask, waving his cock spelled out, please help me with sperm and every once in a while he would have a meal on a marble surface. And then the new age people get really nervous and they’ll like to try it with a lemon and honey and they hang out. ALright everybody thank you so much! 

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