Michelle Wolf – Nice Lady

Michelle Wolf – Nice Lady

Can we focus

Ladies and gentlemen, Michelle wolf! Thank you, thank you. Wow. Boy. what a time to be alive, huh. I probably don’t need to say this but  should just let everyone know I am feminist, yeah one person that’s all, that’s about average. Oh, feminism is very unpopular, I should also point out I’m not I’m not like a buy my own drinks feminist. We all have our line and mine is at the bar. In want equal pay and a chadra. Well then just the chardonnay. I do think as feminist we’re fighting for too many things right now. There are some feminist that are like we want to get paid the same and then there are some feminist that are like we want to free the nipple on instagram. It’s like hey can we focus, I know she’s more fun can we focus. It’s like during the revolutionary war some of them were like we want to be independent and others were like we want to free the nipple on instagram. Maybe England should stay in charge of you, you should like you’d be easily irrentestoin. Just like logically we focus our attention and power on one thing, so personally I think we should go after equal rights but if someone made a vote and we went nipple then fine, I’m a team player I’ll go nipple. It’s just hard for me that it’s was a woman’s idea, sound sliek a man infiltrated a meeting and was like we gotta get these nipples on instagram, did you hear we can’t, it’s not fair, we’re women, you know men my main concern is the woman. That’s why I call them the woman. And the whole debate is that men are aloud to have their nipples on instagram and women aren’t.. Here’s an easier solution, just get male nipples off of instagram. I’ve never seen a male’s nipples and been like, oh now my day is better. Boy do i love looking at those useless skin tags. We gotta focus, we got to focus on what we’re fighting for, we can’t stop and look at shiny objects. We can’t campaign about whose on money. Like I mostly use a credit card and there is a picture of a cat on it, and I picked it because I’m the person you think I am. There were a ton of options and I was like a cat and then I saw there was another cat option and I was like I gotta open another account. I’m not a monster, no I don’t want to donate to your children’s charity. Like why do I want a woman on a dollar anyway, it’s not like amen is going to look down on it and be like oh right I’m going to start respecting these. I’m sorry stripper I can’t give this to you, I mean mrs. stripper. 

She’s a bitch

So much is happening right now. I think a lot of us are still trying to figure out why Hillary lost. I do have a theory on why Hillary lost. I think it’s because no one likes her. I voted for her but I don’t like her. Like if she came up to me at a party I’d be like I’m sorry I have to go to the bathroom. And then if she came up to me in the bathroom I’d be like I’m sorry I have to use the men’s room. I just made a life choice. But you shouldn’t like Hillary. She’s a bitch. Anyone with that much power is a bitch. We’re never going to have a nice lady run for president. Nice ladies aren’t in charge of things, and if your in charge of something and you think your a nice lady, no one else does. There are whole email chains about throw much your not a nice lady. And Hillary is not nice and she’s not fun, she doesn’t go to brunch. She eats  hard boiled eggs in the morning and then the rest of the day, she doesn’t peel, she just casings in her fist. She gets hungry in the afternoon and slaps a man, and goes full now. Ig et it I get not liking Hillary. But one thing that I get is that some guys are  like you know what it is, i just can’t listen to her, she has a shrill voice. And it’s like, well sometimes! That is just what happens to your voice. Sometimes you’re a person with a shrill voice, there is nothing you can do about it. Because you don’t get to chose your voice. I was never, oh you know what, I’ll take the voice that causes dogs to gather outside, no no , I want it to be so shrill that if I sucked the helium out of a balloon it wouldn’t change at all. That might be a 100 percent true thing that happened to me. But that’s how it is!. One two punch hi how are you. Oh this seems like it will be normal. I get it, i get it, you don’t want four years of this voice. Just like you don’t want to wake up next to his voice, you don’t want me going hey good morning oh you lost your boner, this is a real wind out of the sails voice. This isn’t a phone sex voice. No one is calling in to hear where you want to put your penis. This isn’t a sexy voice. But it is a voice that gets shit done. It’s like hey I’m going to keep talking unless you agree to this!

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We got to focus a lot of time, people think we’re moving forward, women are moving forward, and I’m like that progress, like sports illustrated will put a plus sized model on it’s cover. And a lot of women will be like that, so innovative. That’s progress. That’s not innovative! They just finally realized that men will also masturbate fat women. Do you want to be innovative, put a completely clothed woman on there, and talk about her personality. Just a full spread about her knitting hobby. Even women will be like I don’t want to read that, plus it’s a magazine. And they’re just a whole wave of women right now who are showing that they’re confident by posting naked or almost naked pictures so line being like I don’t care what you think about my body, I’m confident, please like and subaive. And it feels anti feminist to be like don’t posit that, but also it’s like I don’t know what the goal is here. I don’t know what you’re working toward. I don’t think Ruth Bader Ginsberg is ever even like I gotta get out of this robe and show people what I’m really about, plus I know they’re all dying to see this little bored body. We want every women to be confidence and we want every women to be beautiful. You have to be beautiful. Like Bruce Jenner turned into Caitlin and immediately, 

The bathroom controversy

So much is happening. We’re trying to figure out where trans people can go to the bathroom. Who saw that one coming. Probably translate people. And here is the thing, most politicians are men, and men are making the laws, and they think that if trans women use women’s bathrooms, that women will feel unsafe. And I think that comes from a fundamental misunderstanding about what happens in a women’s bathroom, and to be fair, we have made it very mysterious. We always go in groups, there is huge line outside, people go in but they never come out. It’s a whole Willy Wonka situation. When we finally do get back to the table we giggle and you’re like what happened, and we’re like we can’t say, but I have new hair now, also this is my new best friend Ashley, she’s goin to live with us. Every woman has some kind of Ashley from the bathroom on their phone. Mane do to, but for a very different reason. We’ve made the bathroom very mysterious, but in reality in a women’s bathroom, if at any point you see genitals something has gone very wrong. We are very private people. No one is walking in the bathroom, like labia out ladies. Let’s get to comparing. You’re not a redhead. I want to see that, no we’re private. We go in the bathroom, we go in the stall, we pee poop or cry and leave. The only thing we’re really worried about is whether they know I’m the one that poops. I tried to cough a lot and the hand dryer was on, which is a crazy thing for women to worry about in a women’s bathroom. Who are you trying to impress in there, if anything, you should poop very loudly, cause then if there is an attacker in there, he’s like well not that one. I’m evil, not crazy. That’s good self defense in general. You have to walk home late at night, fart the whole way. Be your own rape whisele. Not today. That’s a great strategy if you just accidently fart in public. Like you thought I was going to be silent and then your body was like. Betrayed you, next time just be like yeah that was just a warning, I’m a very dangerous person. Where that came from, now if you turn your attention back to this powerpoint, you’ll see that third quarter profits are on their way up. Men, you want to make bathrooms better for women, get those four year old little boys out of there. Always poking their creepy little heads under the stalls being like, are you my mom! I told you not anymore Kevin! And I don’t know why men are so concerned about our bathroom I’m worried about your bathroom, you don’t lock yourself in a stall you just stand up against a wall and watch your each other pee, you have your pants undone while you are looking at a wall, you are just ripe for that raping. And you designed both bathrooms. You give yourself the shittier bathroom, give yourself enough stalls, sit while you pee, rest those legs. You gotta be tired from stomping on us all day. Seriously, I feel bad that men don’t get to sit while they pee, you have to walk in the bathroom knowing what your intention is. You have to walk in the bathroom like i going to poop now, women we get to be like hey I’m poopin now! This is a fun surprise afternoon poop, this has turned my day around, I’m so glad i had that yogurt this morning. Thank you Jamie Lee Curtis. 

You’re the problem

Stop it. Stop using we’re protecting woman as your excuse for getting things done, it’s bullshit and it’s an insult. I’ve never ever been scared of trans people, the only people that consistently scare me are straight men. You guys have a terrible track record. I like to think all those women clapping are with a guy right now. I do. NO! You keep using, we gotta protect women from tarnas people, when gay people wanted to get married you were like we can’t let that happen then they’ll start fucking dogs, you only said that because you thought about fucking a dog, you were like people want to fuck dogs, and gay people were like not us, and you were like some people do. Some people love a cute little puppy butt. Stop it, stop using we’re protecting women as your excuse. I was on a date, a guy offered to walk me to my door he was like i just want to make sure you get home safe. That’s bullshit, that’s not why you’re walking me to my door, that’s your last ditch effort to touch a boob. At that point in the night the most dangerous thing at my door is you. And if a robber came by I don’t think you could do anything about it, because earlier that night at dinner I learned you have a gluten allergy and you can’t protect me from a biscuit. Also that’s why you’re not coming up. There is nothing less sexy than hearing a guy be like well I can’t eat bread. Cause I’m gonna need you to be okay with yeast. But did you get it. I just want to make sure you got it. I hate to be there with someone in the back like, I didn’t get the yeast part. Go home call your mom, she’ll tell you all about it. 

Fountains and wishes

There Are so many big things happening right now. Like the environment is in terrible shape, and most people pretend they care about it, I don’t believe that anyone actually does. If anyone actually cared about the environment there is no way fountains would still exist. Fountains are real big fuck you to thirsty people. Imagine bringing a little kid from a third world country to see a fountain. He’d be like “oh wow, look at all the water, can I have a sip” and you’d have to be like, oh nono, that’s for decoration. Well can I at least grab the money out of it. No those are the wishes that people who can afford to throw in there. And you what they didn’t wish for, water. Now I’m going to show you a water park, that’s where the water is for peeing ‘in. but climate change is a real big deal, and everyone says mother nature, and i do believe nature is a woman because she is trying to kill us in the most passive aggressive way ever. It’s not some kind flood or fire cool explosion. She’s just like, what, i raised the temper a little. Oh are you uncomfortable, well maybe if i wouldn’t have if you had taken out the recycling like i asked. I’m fine. 

Natures is a woman (and she hates us)

Nature is a woman and she hates us. She hates us women. She hates us. She gave us all the icky stuff. She’s a mean girl. We’re the ones that bleed every month. She made organism impossible to find. We’re supposed to have the babies and then feed them, that seems like a thing you could have split up. There were two people involved in that. You got most of the way, you gave men miopes. What happened all of sudden at the last second were you like me you know what we’re gonna keep it over here with women. But men hang on to those nipples. Do whatever you want with them, and we’re the ones that have the babies and she made the hoel to small. Way to small. That’s a real square peg round hole situation. It’s a design flaw. If every time an elevator went down the building it broke the building you’d be like we should fix this. Every time you hear a woman talk about giving birth, honestly talk about giving birth, not the facebook version of love, this is magical and I’m blessed. Honestly talking about giving birth it always feels like the beginning of an infomercial where some guy is going to pop out and be like, are you tired of a hole ripping from a vagina to your butt, pooping on a table in front of strangers leaving you feeling embarrassed. Have you been pushing for twenty hours with no end in sight thinking there is has got to be a better way. Well there’s not. And that is why I don’t recycle. Because if mother nature isn’t going to take care of my house I’m not going to take care of her house. Also recycling is very hard. 

That woman’s a patriot

II do think though there is very serious problem that no one is talking about. I think right now it’s’ hard time to be a man. You guys are struggling. You can’t be the first to do anything anymore. You’ve done almost everything. It’s almost like there is no reason for you to live, it’s a great time to eat women. I mean we’re at rock bottom but we can only go up. We’ll still have the first female president, first woman on the moon, first woman to assassinate a president. It’s exciting, to could be you. I think it would be very easy for a woman to assassinate a president. She’d just have to be beautiful and walk up to and be like, I just want to talk to the president for a second, please. I pose like all my bones is broken. We haven’t had a female assistant because women re too nice, we get close e3nough kill the president, but instead we just end up having sex with him. That’s a very nice that we do. In general, I don’t think we’re thanked enough for that. Think About it, Monidca Lewikins had the president’s dick in her mouth. She could have assassinated him. She could have been selfish and gotten anything she wanted, if you don’t think you can get anything you want when you have a regular guy’s dick in your mouth next time bite down just a little and see if he isn’t immediately like, yeah fine we can go on vacation with your sister. Try it when you go home tonight, it’ll be fun. She has the leader of the free  world’s dick in her mouth, she could have assassinated him, she could have gotten anything she wanted, but instead she was a nice lady and she blew him and then we were mean to her. For being a nice lady. I thought at least men would have stood up for her, and been like hey that women is a patriot! But it’s a good time to be a woman and we’re on our way up. It’s a good time for us. Build men you’re done, it’s over, there is nothing left for you to do. You’ve been to the moon, you’ve been all the presidents. Even if you were like you were like, I’m going to win an Olympic medal and then turn into a lady you’d be the second. 

These seem like weapons

I feel bad for men, I think it’s a really hard time to be a man right now. You have a ton of erection medicine, hope everything is okay. Seems like it might not be. And i’m glad you have erection medicine, i think that’s great. A soft penis is very sad. A soft penis looks like the sound of sadness. You know like, wow. If you showed a deaf kid a picture of a soft peneis he’d be like I know what you’re talking about is sad. That’s actually how they taught Helen Keller, they just let her feel a soft penis. This means sad. Thank you for teaching me this new word, it’s the only way you could have done it. I actually think tahta  soft penis feels very neat, every woman here, if you had a soft penis at your desk at work, you’d play with it all day. It’s soft and squeeze it’s a stress reliever. Sometimes I’ll have a penis in my hand and it’ll be hard, and I’m like you’re ruining my time. How I feel about soft pensies, is the closest i’ll never forget to feel how men feel about boobs. Because those are also soft and squishy. Now imagine if when you felt them all of sudden they got rock hard, you’d be like, these seem like weapons. 

Making Croissants

But it’s good you guys got erection medication that’s great. No one should have a broken body part, but you make it hard for women to get birth control and that’s not fair. That’s like saying, let’s have a duel, but only one of us gets a gun, and on average that gun shoots twenty million bullets, and we’re just asking for a shield and you’re like no. We don’t even want another gun, we just want a shield. We’re saying you can have all the players on both hockey teams, we just want one goalie, doesn’t even have to be the best goalie, we’ll take your third string goalie. You can give the zombie guy a stick. We just want a guy to hit a couple pucks away. Even cars get windshield wipers. C’mon give us a chance, there is a downpour. We should be constantly given birth control, it should be annoying. Like when you leave a restaurant it shouldn’t be mints, it should be birth control. When you push a door instead of pull a door, birth control should pop out. Like you’re not ready yet. Let’s work on some other skills. It’s human. You’d be making a human, it would be hard to make a human, it’s hard to make a croissant, it takes three days to make a croissant. You can make a human in that bathroom. You cannot make a croissant in that bathroom, like how many people here have successfully made a croissant, how many people here have accidently made a human. And those two people are never the same. Because croissant makers are planners, and they’re usually a little less fun. Now if you had sex and accidently made a croissant that would be great. Finally women would be like, no I’m paying for the drinks and we’re leaving now. Drink it up little layd we’re going home and and I’m hungry and I want a falkey snake, then finally men would be like I feel like you’re using me for the corrsin. I mean I don’t care but I want you to know how I feel. And if having sex meant that you got a chocolate croissant, that never go back thing would be a hundred percent true. Even white men would be like, go i get it go. You have to go, the croissants are better, bring one home. It should be hard, it should be hard to have a human we have enough we don’t need as many as we used to. At this point if you want to have a bay, you should have to take test or two, something like let me see your iPhone screen,  oh it’s cracked. NO. you can’t carry a phone, you can’t carry a baby. 

Have it all

I don’t want to have a baby, this isn’t a aborotion joke. I’m not pregnant, I don’t want to have a baby and I gotta get out of here. I don’t want to have a baby, or a family. I want a career, and now there are a lot of people out there who are like that, but michell you don’t have to choose, you can have it all. Women can have it all. Yes, stop saying that. You act like all is good. All does not mean good. You’ve left an all you can eat buffet and said, i feel really good about myself. That crab and pudding is sitting really well together. I sure am glad I went back for spare ribs. All is not good, and even if we do try to have it all, even if a woman does want to have it all, we’ve put up to many obstacles in your way to make it possible. It’s like oh congratulations, you’re having a baby, great, couple things, we’re going to need you to get a car accident back to work as soon as possible because this is America and we don’t think you need time to recover. Also this is America you should breastfeed it’s what’s best for the baby but don’t do it in public you pig. Do it in the janitors closet under the bridge with the rest of the breast feeding trolls. Don’t take time off work when your kids are sick, also why are you such a bitch, by the way your salary is just enough to cover the cost of child care. We know your exhausted, and your trying to balance your old life with your new life but quick go have sex with your husband go now, quick, and sweetie smile. I don’t want it, men don’t try to have it all. They’re just like I got a job and a sandwich. I’m good. My wife says that if i behave for a year i can have a section of the garage where i can sit. I don’t want to be a mom, i wouldn’t mind being a dad. That seems like more fun and there are great dads out there. There are very good dads out there, but a great dad is still just an okay mom. A fork is a shitty spoon. 

The coolest thing your body can do

I can’t be a dad, that’s very upsetting i don’t want to be a mom. So I want a career. And i thought knowing what I want inli females me special, but ultimately it must makes me a waste. Like I think having a baby is arguably the coolest thing a body can do. Like I have a friend who has one arm, and then she had a baby that had two arms. You can make shit that you don’t even have. Also how pissed did she have to be when she saw that sonogram. Two arams! This is bullshit. I give this sonogram one thumbs down. Imagine how frustrating it is tying your shoe with one hand, knowing that you have two new hands growing inside of you that you’re not allowed to keep. Two new hands that you will push out of your body and walk away and never love you as much as they should. Not to mention you can grow a penis inside a vagina, like the world’s most terrifying greenhouse. Find me a horror movie with a scree plot. It is the coolest thing you body can do. Me not wanting to have a baby is like bird not wanting to fly. Okay, but your built to fly. I know, i’m gonna walk. And believe me these wings work, we’ve had to cancel a couple flights. That was the abortion joke. You have to have one. Joke or abortion take your pick. 

Look at me

We care so much about how we look. Women we put in so much effort into being beautiful, and I think we should be more like men, because they don’t really care about their bodies, and look at them, they’re successful. They’re presidents, they’re CEOs. You have never heard a CEO go, I want to get profiles up and get costs down and love me for me. You know who should care about their bodies, men! You have weird bodies, you’re gross! Your balls are gross. I’ve never seen a guy and been like, oooh I can’t wait to get his pants off and see that weird bag of stuff between his legs. What is it? It’s like a goblins coin purse, it’s like when you go to a haunted house and you stick your hand in a jar, and you’re like please be grapes. Balls seem like a real whoopsie. Like when you’re putting together furniture and you have  a few leftover pieces, and you’re like ah, those were supposed to go somewhere, they look important. I guess I’ll hang them from a sachet, even though the name sounds like a mistake. What are you gonna call me, scotrem? Okay I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was a bad time, I’m so sorry. You are so lucky what we get our faces near them, if a woman puts her balls in your mouth. You should pay her a lot of money, not in a prostitute kind of way. Like that was a very nice thing you just did, and i don’t know how to say thank you. Here is some money. It’s a selfish act, it’s selfless, there is not a single woman in the world sitting at her bookclub like you know what gets me off, a lumpy skin sack close to my mouth. I don’t know how we ever let you guys get away with calling our boobs saggy, your balls are saggy. You wear a bra. You make it fancy, you dress up for me! I get one winkle my career is over, I have to put paint on my face to leave my home, and you guys get to walk around with those winkle dangly bags of crap. You should have to put makeup on them, or at the very least googly eyes. I don’t know if that would be better or worse but it would be fun. He’s happy, he’s sad, he lost his boner, a real mr. mcgo. And the thing is I think we should all be ashamed of our body. Every single one of us. That’s why we wear clothes, that’s why animals have fur, have you ever seen a shaved cat, you look that cat in the eyes, you’re both ashamed. If you saw a turtle outside your shell! I don’t care how confident you are in your weird turtle body. Get back in there! Also can we be sure that turtles have bodies, just a head and feet, seems like it might be a scheme, and I’m the worst, tissue I say that we shouldn’t care about how we look but I work out all of the time. I run every day. I love running. I have no idea what I’m training for. Cause I’m not physically gaining any skills. The only way working out will help me in life is someone tries to rob or rape me. Something is chasing me for three to five miles at a moderately slow pace. From the beginning if some guy is like watch out I’m going to rape you, I’m like nah uh not unless you can keep this up for thirty ish minutes, altoughout I might have to stop about a mile in to stretch my hamstring. Could you help me with that, no funny business? Can you help me?

Period

Women spend so much time trying to be beautiful. So much time. When ugly things are constantly happening to us. Like everyone month we get our period. I know, we’re not supposed to talk about it. It’s very nice that we’re not supposed to talk about it. It’s the only time a human is bleeding and that’s not what the conversation is about. Like if Paul got his arm ripped off, and it was shooting blood and he walked into the office, I should tell you, a couple of my guy friends have come up to me after my show and said, hey you shouldn’t use arm ripping off as your example, it’s too extreme. Oh is it? One of them actually said, you should use nose bleed instead, oh you think it’s like a nose bleed. All this time, I could have just tipepd my hips up and it would have gone away, I’m such a dumb lady. Both arms viciously torn from his body. It’s torn from his body he walks into the office, no one is going to be like how are the expense reports Paul? Great and I feel fine. Just a normal day for me. Nothing weird happening here. I don’t want to murder you. Paul wouldn’t be sneaking off to a corner of the office to see if blood had come through his bandage. That’s happening at your work, women are walking around like did i tie my shoe no I’m good never mind. And you poor dumb men, are like she doesn’t even have laces, carol is having a weird day. The only thing you ever ask about period sis when is it going to be over, and we always give you the same answer, soon, cause we have no fucking clue, it could be ten minute, it could be over in 3 days. It could be over in three days and then and take a break for two days and come back for a day. It can be gone and then we put on clean underwear and it’s like I smell white. A period is like an outdoor cat. You know it’s coming back but you have no idea when. And it’s probably going to have a mouse. I don’t know what mouse is in that analogue but it’s gross. Every day, every day, at some point during your day you talk to a woman who has her period and you don’t know it because she says things like I’m good, how are you? When all she wants to do is lay down on the ground and fart. That’s it, like a fart you’ve never heard before. A fart that as you’ve heard it your like, i don’t know who i am as a person. Like men if you don’t know what I’m talking about it’s the kind of art you leave a party for. One where you’re like get your coat we gotta go. No it’s not safe here anymore. We got to go. Honey, we’re on a cruise ship. It doesn’t matter we going swimming. That kind of fart. A lady fart. Do you know that picture of Marilyn Monroe where her skirt is going up. Yeah that wasn’t an air grate that was a period fart. Masubate to that. You also thinking why are you esomeotinla, why are you so emotion. Well maybe it’s the hormones, or maybe it’s the fact that i haven’t shit in a week, and i got a turd the size of Danny DeVito in me. Just a real angry Danny devito. Like I’m not going anywhere. I was the star of twins. That will make anyone cry, I think if men got periods we’d have a three week work month. I also think if men got periods they would have featured out a better way to deal with it. They would have demanded a better way to deal with it. All the money and science we have is a problem. Put down your science times we got a problem. We’ll save the children another day. Put down the monkey. The Monkey. The monkey can help, it’s all hands on deck. I used to get lipstick put on me. I don’t want to work on periods. Women it’s our fault we’re not futerhe alongin period technology because we’re okay that our best solution is a rolled up piece of cotton. We’re okay that our best solution is a craft project from a special kid. One who was like, I made you a Christmas ornament, the only advancement we’ve made is sometimes they’re smaller. That was the problem. We were causing too much of a problem carrying our bazookas to the bathroom. Women trade tampons stealthier than drug deals trade heroine. I’ve given out four tampons since I’ve been on stage, if there were only women dealing drugs in the Wire no one would have gotten caught. Sugar bell would still be alive, sugar bell wouldn’t have taken out a tampon. Is that gross because a woman today took it out then shook a hand and said I’m good how are you?

Nice Lady

I’m single. And i don’t want to be in a relationship, i don’t want to be in a relationship for the same reason I don’t want a kid. I don’t do anything in my life to be more important than me, but the jig is up, I’m not a nice lady. You know my friends will say things like aren’t you afraid of dying alone? Is that why you got married? You’re afraid of dying alone? So you have five minutes before you die. Well this isn’t the worst. Those 40 miserable years were the work– he died. I’m not scared of dying alone, I’m terrified of people seeing how I live. I live like a divorced dad who isn’t trying to get custody of his kids back. There is just hot sauce in the fridge, half of my bed is covered in laundry and it’s now in the shape of a person and whenever I wake I roll over and think today I’ll try to be better. 

Text me

I don’t want to be in a relationship. I don’t even like dating. I don’t. Sometimes I try to do it, sometimes I try to be a nice normal lady, I go  out on a  date. I went on a date with a personal trainer from my gym. I thought that would be fun. Big strong guy who can pick you up and then set you down in a controlled manner. The date was not fun, all he talked about was exercise, and then in the restaurant we were in that song, the empire state of mind came on. You guys know that song, New York concrete jungle where dreams are made  of, he sand the whole song. Both Jay Z and Alicia key parts. This joke is three minutes long, that song is four and half minutes long. Which means after this joke is over he’d still be singing for a minute and half, you know if someone is singing at you for more than four minute you are legally allowed to kill them. So finally the bill comes, it’s 84 dollars, he throws down forty and goes is that enough. And listen, I’m an indecent woman. I’ll pay for half my meal, but that’s not half, so I never want to see this guy again, but he keeps texting me. And one day he just sends me a picture of his bed, and I don’t know how to respond. I was like congratulating you on making your bed, so one of my friends goes, just text him you’re not interested. And then my other friend goes, text hint eh weirdest stuff possible i was like that’s the one I’m going to do. And I’m going to read them to you now. I took screenshots of them, I just have to scroll through a ton of selfies to get there. I know that some people don’t like selfies and you shouldn’t post them. I think you should take them and should post them but you should also post the number of times you tried taking the picture. This is me looking cute, 67. Can you just confirm these are real text messages. Alright, you heard it from that guy with a puka shell necklace. I guess we’ll have to trust him. No one has said that about a guy with a puka shell necklace before. They’ve been like i got ot cover this drink! He goes hey Michael, I go hey wildcat! That’s a pretty strong start. We’d been on one date, wildcat is an aggressive nickname out of the gate. Wildcat lol that’s new kind of like lol, what made you chose that nickname? And I go, just something tick tocking in my old noggin. That should be it right. If someone texted you that, you’d’ be like oh she’s insane, you’d never text them again. Instead he comes back with love it. Keep it up. How is your day. And honestly I get a little excited at this point, because he’s still holding one, and I know I need to shift it in a higher gear to lose him. I feel like I’m in  a car chase and I’m like alright buddy. Pretty good car sound. He goes how is your day, and I respond by still chipping away at the ham. That’s not a saying. For that to be a saying it means that at some point in time there were people who chipped ham, and it took so long that they’d have to send word to their families, sorry honey i can’t come home for dinner tonight, I’m still chipping away at the ham. You know at my job, at the ham chip factory, which does sound delicious. And this is how i knew he was a formidable opponent, he came back with shit make sure you leave a slice for me too, by the way I have the honey to go alongside with the ham, gross what’s the honey, didn’t want the honey. Take the honey away, if the honey is what i think it is, no woman has ever wanted the honey. Sometimes we take the honey to be nice, but honestly it’s innocent. Most of the time it’s like hey, watch out, I’m getting sticky. So I don’t respond. I need time, i need to regroup, i need to train, normally when I’m this stressed out I go to the gym but I can’t do that. Couple days later, he texts me, Hey Wolfgang lol. And i 100 percent believe he loled at that. He’s like she gave me a nickname, I’m going to give her a nickname. Wolfgang, haha. I am the best. Hi Wolfgang lol I was wondering if you’d accompany tomorrow night, I’m taking some of my clients out for their birthday. And I responded with no dice. The squirrelman got plans on plans on plans on waffles. That is some of the best work I’ve ever done. I’m sure squirrel man is a huge downgrade from wildcat, if someone started calling me wildcat and then switched to squirrelman I’d be like oh my god what did I do? And i don’t know what plans on plans on waffles means but it’s too much before breakfast and this bitch comes back with, oh cool make sure you don’t forget the syrup and I don’t know what to do at this point, because I’m pretty sure he’s falling in love with me. And I think maybe I’m falling in love with him, so I text him I love you. And then I never heard from him again. Thanks a lot guys you’ve been great, I’ve been Michelle Wolf!

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