Emmy Blotnick – Party Nights

Emmy Blotnick – Party Nights

Self Potato

Ladies and gentlemen, Emmy Blotnick. We’re doing it. We’re doing it. Yes. Do you guys want to hear about my favorite wheel of fortune clips of the puzzle is mostly solved, most of the letters are there you can tell the answer is self portrait, and this lady buzzes in and goes “Oh self potato’ right away. The guy next to her is like lady itself protect and she’s like oh no, and it’s so good, because self potato means nothing, means nothing at all, but I love it so much I want it to mean something., You all know what a couch potato is a self potato is when you don’t need it the couch for that to be who you are. Just taking the couch potato mentality to go, cause you don’t need a couch if you got you. I don’t know if that lady knew when she got that puzzle wrong that she was going to give a snake for my lifestyle. I am a self potato through and through. It’s basically high function depression yeah I think we’re on the same page. Earlier tonight I spent about two hours in a wet towel. That is a classic self potatoes movie, you guys ever do, ever stay in a wet towel until it’s bad, it starts good, oh this is great and then you’re not happy anymore. Like to take that train to the last stop. I used to be more of a party person. I used to go out and get drunk, stay out late and have party nights, you know it’s not true no one calls them party nights. Blowing my cover. 

Amazon

These days I just stay in and I just read amazon reviews of things I already won. I think I’m just looking for a sense of community. I wonder who else out there mad about my blender, oh this guy rick f in Iowa is right, the puree setting is more of a fine chop, that was helpful. These days, I’ve been on a weird kink, buying a lot of vitamins and supplements, because I don’t like to admit it when I’m depressed. Well the problem is that I’m not taking fish oil. See.  I know how to fix this. I just need to buy five to seven bottles of unregulated supplements that are probably full of cat litter. That will fix it. I don’t know what I’m supposed to take so I take recommendations from anybody, I go on amazon, I read the reviews and just go with the wind. I was looking at a page for magnesium powder and this guy was like this stuff made my dgos’  hips feel better. I was like yeah yeah add to cart. There was one that was an energy supplement and a guy gave it five starts and was like this stuff lets me fuck my wife. Yeah sold let me fuck this guy’s wife. You take any vitamins, (no), just getting it from food big boy. Must be nice. I like asking people what they take, and this one guy was like, yeah I take zinc and I was like is that helping you? He said sometimes. Well what do you mean sometimes, well someday i feel like getting out of bed, and some days i don’t. Well you’re putting a lot on zinc. 

Self Help Books

My amazon account is in bad shape, it’s a lot of self help book, and that makes your recommenders real tragic so every time I go to amazon it’s’ like “so because you enjoyed the book fatherless women” amazon don’t even finish that sentence, by the way I wouldn’t’ say that I enjoyed that book. I try to throw them off my scent, sometimes I click on cool stuff to make them think I have a cool life. I put in an hour of click on snowboards and big boxes of big condoms, I just want them to think I’m hitting the slopes with my magnum, that’s right amazon I’m hitting the slopes with my big old dick. The next time I go to amazon I just want it to say, “because you enjoyed a thousand extra large condoms we thought you might like to hang out sometime” come down to amazon and have a brew with the boys. 

Tea

I think I’ve missed a lot of red flags for depression, I’ve missed a lot o f signs. I should have known something was wrong when I joined an online tea reviewing community called Steeperster. That’s a cry for help. Steeperster. If anyone wants to connect, my user name is steep doggy doggy, I’m already in the street, but a steep in the sheets. Is anyone on steepster here? They never are. Oh man. I guess you know I thought that tea could be my hobby tea could be my craft beer. You go to a place where people are drinking beer, it’s like this but fun and jovial everyone is having a good time. You go to a place where people are drinking tea, everyone is clutching a locket, stuffing a mouth. It’s not fun. Like, you’re never going to see a super bowl commercial for tea, where they’re like yo bro toss me a Timex. Right stuff, hey Danica Patrick what are you doing here? You boys like English breakfast, English breakfast at lunchtime, i am rock hard. It’s a lonely person’s drink and I accept that. I used to know a lot of bros, I used to know broy guys, and there is one important thing i learned from broy guys– consent. NAAAH. No, I’ll tell you what I learned . I learned a drinking tip called the strike out, it’s a drinking tip where you do a hit of a bong, chug a beer and then blow out the bong hit. That’s a steak out. I called it a drinking tip it’s more of a self harm ritual I try not to do too many, I did my own version that I recommend, if you ever get a hot party night to yourself here is what you do, take a hit of a joint then chug a room temperature herbal tea then you get in bed really quickly and then you blow out the joint you get bonus points if you crack open the book your therapist recommend that’s bonus points. 

The Zero Key

I’ll tell you another sign of depression that I missed. I should have known something was wrong. The zero key fell off my laptops and I didn’t do anything about it for two years. That’s too long, that’s too long to wait. I went down to the apple store and they were like, aww you have to get a whole new keyboard, and I went, well I’m not worth and it ad I left do you ever do this thing where something of yours breaks and you’re like okay I can pay to fix this or I can make my life a litter shitter everyday, and I had a whole system a whole workaround, every time indeed a zero i would go to google and type in the name of my favorite rapper, I would type in Andrew 3, and wait for it to auto complete thousand. And then I would copy and paste one of his zeros in whatever I was working on, and I did that everyday for two years. No one in their room has googled Andre 3000 more than me. No one has. I’ve googled him more than he has. It felt weird, I realized that if Andre ever went missing, I’d be suspect number one. There was no way that the NSA would be like this woman googled Andrew 300 everyday for 8 times, and clicked on nothing case closed. She’s too weird. So, I finally went back to the apple store and got a new keyboard. I have a zero. I can type it whoever I want, but there is still a voice in my head, that’s like you didn’t earn it. I don’t know. I feel very grateful to Andrew 300. That’s how I feel now. He’s lent me so many zeros. If I ever meant him in person, I’d just be like you may be called Andre 3000 but your Andrew is three billion to me. I just want him to know he’s special. 

List your animals

I don’t know where people get self-esteem from. That’s what I realize. I don’t know how anyone has it, you ever see someone with very high self esteem, how. How? I was watching this clip of Salem Hayek from 2012. I like to keep up with the news. And she’s got this otherworldly level of self confidence, she was there to promote a movie and she turns to jimmy at one point and is like Jimmy I have my own private zoo. And these are my animals. And he just starts listing off animals in her private zoo, and it was hypoinising. It was hypnotizing. She’s just sitting there like, I have one dog, two cats, a hamster, a lizard, a hippo, a giraffe, a nadawel, a shark, an iguana, a bullfrog. A kangaroo, a wallaby, a barrabuce, two panda bears, she could have turned right to the camera and been like i want you to kill the president, a lion, a bear, we would have done it. Imagine the confidence, that that takes the codifrance it takes ato just go on national tv and list your animal. It’s mindful. I don’t think we’re all born with ath. You’ve been real fun this whole time,and just pretend you’re on national tv, will you tell us about your animals in your zoo? “Kangaroo” you came out the gate straight Selma. I wouldn’t be able to do that. I know what would happen if someone came up to m e and trusted a microphone in my face and said start listing animasi got a lion a tiger you get it zoo stuff. Game over. Game over, she’s just gone to the other level, and so do you bud. 

Demi and Beyonce

I listen to a lot of pop music to keep my mood afloat. I think it helps, i think it helps. I was listening to the Demi Lovato song, confidante you can guess what it’s’ about, what always happens while I listen to it, I  feel it it work, and then I just take my headphones out and it’s gone. It happened i walked in a coffee shop and I listened to it, confidant., she’s singing, what’s wrong with benign confidence and i take out my headphones and go, uhh I don’t know what I want, I don’t’ know if I’m hungry or thirsty can you help keep me alive, it’s just gone, it’s gone. I feel like I’ve tried, tried so many things. I tried taking a dance class, I tried taking this dance class where they try to teach you to dance like Beyoncé and that’s not something you learn. It’s either in you or not, and it’s in me. And I have got it. I can dance like that, it’s just behind energy glass. I just haven’t had to yet. Oh but there will come a time, someone is going to wrong me in the middle of a dark parking lot and a thousand women in assless riot gear, will assem behind me and we’re just goin to nail it. I’m just waiting. Just taint, I took this class in the meantime. And it was at this treaty fitness studio, where they just teach you the fancy dances, and it’s like if groupon were a place. My friend and i singe dup to learn the dance moves ot formation. That’s the won that Beyoncé did at the super bowl where all the dancer dressed up like the black panthers and we go to this class and it was just wall to wall white women. It was like 50 white women, and that is not the formation Beyoncé was talking about. I don’t thinks he was like, I hope that this song empowers 5-0 social media manager to come together and create content. We had  white teacher it was a real blind meeting the bliend situation. Everyone was wearing t-shirts that said like friends before guys. I agree with the sentiment. I just don’t think of the first thing anyone needs to know about me. Hey what’s your name, I like fries more than I like my dad. Alright. This teacher, this teacher took every cool lyric and just made it so lame, she stood in front of all us, one and two and three and four, I got hot sauce in my bed. I was like, is it a hate crime? What is happening. It’s not a hate crime. It’s  alvoe cirm. But it’s’ still a crime. It was so bad. We spent a whole hour and I had a moment of optimism. I had this thought that maybe it was just bad because we’ve been slow, and she’s like okay girls  from the top, one two three for, it looked like someone opened the gate at a doggy day care. It felt like being trapped in my own fart. I don’t know how to explain to you what it felt like to have a dream die around you. If you ever want to watch 50 white ladies, to your favorite song, head on over to Broadway bodies. A place I hope burns. I didn’t think I’d be there to wish for fire in a dance studio, what’s happened? 

Max Martin

I keep doing this thing where I’m like, okay I’m going to go to sleep early, go to bed at a reasonable time and all of sudden the sun is coming out and I’m like why am I booking at Kelly Clarkson discography. I Was reading Kelly Clarkson discography. I know everything about her now. I know about the producer since you’ve been gone, all about his life. I spent all night reading about Max Martin. I know everything, do you know him? Okay let me tell you. Max Martin is a 40 year old Swedish music producer and he writes and produces all the pop music. I didn’t know it was all coming from one guy, he diall the 90s shit you like, Britney Spears, the backstreet boys, all the dry humping classics. He did new stuff, Katy Perry and Maroon five. This guy is the reason why I’ve ever tried on a halter top. And on cei learned that all the music is coming from one guy it made so much sense,oh this is all why all the pop songs sound the same. Oh I’m a little alme with big old tites. Ah it’s coming from this sewish guy and English is his second language. Oso i became obsessed with him. I read all of his interviews cause think about this guy  life, he walks use and he’s like what do girls like lopollip pop beinkins, time for lunch, it’s so, i just kept reading about them, I found this interview with him with one of sw3dish cong writing colleagues. How do you guys come up with all these songs for women, and they said every month we read Cosmo. Cosmo of all things, if you’ve ever read an issue of Cosmo it’s the worst repression of women in the world. Every tip in Cosmo is like chu a bottle of mouthwash eat your boyfriend butt, this isn’t my life. I didn’t know what i was doing. Every time I walk up to a newsstand like, Cosmo no thanks, I’m just goin to plug in my headphones and blast it directly into my brain. I didn’t know I was walking around listening to Cosmo. And I freaked out in the middle of the night, y’all ever freak out so hard you made a flowchart. Let me walk you through tit, i grew up listening to pop music it’s what taught me how to be a sexy woman. Not knowing that Max Martin and all the sexy guys making the pop music were listening got Cosmo so they could bbw sexy women. So that mean for most of my life I’ve been doing a bad impression of a Swedish man doing a bad impression of an American garbage woman it’s like no wonder I feel out of whack, I’m walking around pretending to be the Swedish chef pretending to be a spring breaker, my life is life, and then I was like time for work, and then i showed up all frazzled. And I was like don’t’ you get it there is man controlling the radio, he’s making me wear short shorts, and telling me to wear short shorts I don’t want to dance, he’s making me blow dudes. I don’t’ want to learn anything else about the music industry. I don’t want to learn about Bjork’ music category being written by one gnome in the woods. 

I deserve Salmon 

I um, reading all these self help books, and all of them say that you’re supposed to love yourself, does anyone here love themselves, (someone boos_) it’s funny sometimes one person is like “whooo” and you can feel the rest of the crowd be like what a piece of shit.\ It’s hard to love yourself and I find that it’s much easier to love other people than to love yourself. It’s a big deal when i do that because by bed is home of  some of the best Indian food in the city. I bought some smoked salmon for her. I’m a good friend. I bought smoked salmon, but then my friend canceled, and I was left with a clean apartment with all this smoked salmon. I realized that I don’t buy smoked salmon for myself, but I do deserve smoked salmon. I have ten dollars. I deserve salmon I’m going to make you say it with me. I deserve salmon, no I’m not getting up from this stage, until everyone one of your motherfucker, say it. I deserve salmon, I deserve salmon like Daryl hyomin famine, I deserve salmon or whatever plant based suits my needs. Now just the vegans. Yes! Yes you do. You’re damn right you do. 

A guy who’s nice

I just started dating a guy who’s nice to me. Have you guys ever tried that? Have you ever tried dating a nice person. Every time I see this guy I’m like, are you sure you don’t want to have a drinking problem? Are you sure? You don’t want to black out a brucna and tell me to calm down, c’mon man, say something about my mom that only I should say about my mom. This guy has been good, and he’s very tidy, and not a lot of guys are tidy, every other guy I’ve been with you go into their bathroom and the floor would be covered in loose hair. It looked like a greek diner owner evaporated. It did, it looked like a guy would run in with a pan and just be like what happened to tino, I don’t know what I was settling for. I dated a guy for 3 years whose towel smelled faithy of mildew, and he was like what are you talking about, you’re acting like my mom. Okay I guess I’ll just stay with you for 3 years. We all make mistakes right? 

The Bush

That relationship turned into a long distant thing. Which was not fun, just anyone doing long distance here. Just one guy, oh man, everyone else here is just fucking someone local, and you in the back just align it out, how long you’ve been doing it. Six months, alright, do it another six months, and then get out. Okay, thank you for putting salt in my wound, cool cool cool. I made it two years, and then something in me snapped, something changed. I’m not going to skype my tits forever. I need to be by someone nearby who can appreciate this modest rack without it buffering. I didn’t know what to do with my pubes the whole time. It felt like I was living this double life publicial. See him one weekend. So for like three and half weeks I’d like I’m a wolf and then that one weekend, I’d have to be like I’m a little girl. Iwan’t being true to myself, now i know what to do with them. Grow it out. Bring the bush back. The bush is already happening here. Ground zero for the bush movement. Tis just been so long. Sinc ehte bush was in style and in the meantime dudes all grew beards and those are on your face. Can’t we have a secret pants beard, isn’t’ aht fair. I’ll never understand who is squishy about women with pubs. If you love pussy enough you won’t dig through anything. I mean you’ve been served a burger with salad on the size you push it away, it’s so simple. I encourage everyone to grow it out. Just to see what your vca[pable of. I’ve been growing it out for a while , And right now it looks like I’m sitting on Kramer’s shoulders. Just slide into your apartment, it’s very good it’s a delight. 

Comic Book Movies

The last guy i was with, he was into comic books and we are far too accepting of adult men who like comic books. I remember when that was an embarrassing thing to like and now all the movies are there movies and they’re all the same movie. Everyone with superhero movies, it’s’ always like green canteen vs crab rangoon, what is this? I wish I could just beam it into every boyfriend’s head when you make your girlfriend go to comic book movies you’re giving her 2 hours to think about who else she could be dating. I wish there were things I had said to him. I wish I had been like hey buddy, that time you told me to stop sleeping during Captain War, american man. I started thinking about launching my own hummus company and dating women. I tried. Itreid watching those movies, tired watching those batman movies and I just wanted to poke him and say hey if your parents get murdered you do have to go to therapy. Can’t just go swooping up female journalists when you feel like it , they’re working on stories, leave them on the ground. I know I don’t speak for everyone about this. I know there are women who like superhero movies. I just haven’t met one. Are there any where? You know what, they’re all busy drowning dick, just a million boyfriends lined up around the block. I’m never going to meet them. I’m happy for them. I thank them for their service. I had to draw a land in the sand for myself. No more three horus movies about  happy meal toys fighting on a rock. I hope that’s fair, none of them are here, let’s keep going with this. I think we need reparations for women who had to sit through comic book movies against their will. Just stuff for us. I want a movie that’s just 2 and half hours of Rachel McAdams trying on blondes. That’s it, just back to back blouses, just cause there are all a lot of blouses out there, and she looks good in all of them. And she’s pulling back the curtain and going what do you think, that’s what it’s called what do you think. Okay what about a movie that’s just three hours of Kathy Bates chopping wood. Doesn’t that sound great. They tried with wonder women, ehre ‘s a strong woman for you. Yeah but she’s a beauty queen in a metal tube dress. I want Kathy Bates to prepare for winter. That’s the movie. I just want to see her out back behind the cabin. I just want her out there all chopping, no talking and the movie is called uhuuh. You’d see that shit you’d love it. 0

Moving In

The guy i’m with now is terrific, he’s a great guy, he’s a chef, that’ the best kind of guy you can be with. I’m learning so much. Before I was with a cher,  ithoguthi knew how to cook, but in retrospect I was mostly just cutting up jalapenos and touching my eyes. It’s been a real learning experience. SOmetimes i try to cook fontaine and I’ll be like what do you think, and he’ll be like there’s plastic in this. Oh sorry, I didn’t go to food school. I moved in with him right away, I just showed up with my stuff. Did you know you don’t have to talk about it? We share a studio apartment, are there any couples ehre sharing a studio aww good we got a bunch of millionaires, maybe one of you can tell me weather’s it’s like to have a doro to slam. Nobody warned me, nobody told me. You need somewhere to go when you get in a fight cause you know we have a room divider we got off amazon, and it’s one of those romdivides. Like japan. And that’s not a dignified way to leave a fight. Try to we got into iw aslike fuck you i am setting up athe room divid,e shere comes the shoji screen, feel all four panels. Don’t step around. That’s right I am not afraid to make this whole apartment feel like a cheap massage parlour. It’s so stupid cause he’s very tall he can jsut see wrigh tover it. He’s like you want to talk this out babe, do not mir. Wilson me! Going very good, aww mr. wilson, you never got to see that guy’s dick. 

Blue Man

I met him on bumble which i didn’t think would happen bumble is the app where women have to send the first message. And bumble is a trap. The first guy I matched with is a member of the blue man group. Right away., b;uie man, and i was trying to be open minded about it, alright let’s send the blue man  a message sent a message hey blue man, where does the blue paint stop, and he didn’t write back so I thought maybe it wasn’t clearw, DO THEY PAINT THE DICK? I never heard from him, he’s probably busy doing blue man stuff, drumming on a trash can or whatever, what do blue men do? I feel like blue men do anything and we’d be like that’s the show. I feel like bumble is tricky and it’s hard to start a conversation. Hey dude is like, women just say hey, what do you do with hey, and they’re like you ended up picking up lines, and it’s like where do we get pick up lines form? There are not female pick up artist teaching us walk up to a guy, and be like “aren’t you a little ugly to be here,” your all just getting geth,and i know that’s boring so if i’m going to give any advice, if your going to use bumble just smoke a bunch of weed and say what’s on your mind. Just like, “do you think danny devito is happy right now?” just be like man what are spiders even doing. If he’s cool you’ll hear from him, the guy i’m with now his profile was like “i’m a chef’ and i wrote “whoa a chef’ and now we live together. It’s very good, he’s a good person and he’s a giant person. It’s very fun to be with a giant, when we walk around together it’s like one of those videos like unlikely animal friends, you know those videos like look at this grizzly bear being nice to a racoon. That’s our dynamicists’ a very fun hagn. 

The Rock, Part 1

I always wanted to date a giant, I just I didn’t think it was going oth appen. I used to look at pictures of the rock and think oh god i hope his type is jewish women who get tired easily. Oh let it be. And now that i’ve had the experience, i think everyone should, in a perfect world everyone would get to spend one night with the rock. You look like you don’t want to do it. This guy will fuck the rock. If anyone is hesitating. You don’t have to let him fuck oyu can just let him hodl you. I’m takign the sex option I”m with you dude, i just want otm ake sure everyone is comfortable. But i do think the rock could fucka lal of us, I know he could. I read this, an interview where he as going through his diet, and the rock eats 46 oz on stemmed cod a day, it’s like he’s training test all our pussies. It’s’ too much cod to be a consincice, why else would you do that. I’m sure there are some boys like are like I’m sure he needs the protein. The rock has a secret bucket list item to muff dive the whole planet, he’s just going to sit up straight tone day and bel iek seems like a lot of laidse could sue a boost. Download an app and i’ll squeeze you in between jumanji. That’s how it’s gonna work. Although, this is a bummer i found out that he rock already has an app, it’s called the rock clock and it wakes you up at the same time as the rock, it’s such a tease like “you want to wake up with the rock” yeah I do, and then it goes off at 3 in the morning and it’s like time for morning cod. That’s Not what i wanted at all. 

The Rock, Part 2

I get confused about the rock all the time. I get confused because I love him. Sometimes i think iw ant to fuck the rock other times i realise tha ti want to be the rock, doesn’t that seme like, what a vessel, what a vessel to travel the world in to b einthe body of  giant man. It just seems so roommy. Giant men are like the suv of people. Even if you don’t like them, i better get out the way, and just do whatever they want, it seems like, like in the videogame of life, and you have to choose whos you’re going to play as, you know where all the characters are doing this. You would never hover over ostpolitik jewish women. And be like that’s my fighter, no you choose the rock every time, did you guys see fast 7 it’s the seventh fast and furious movie, i don’t know if that’s clear form theittle. I don’t want to give too much of the movie away. Cars go vroom, family movies. This scene, it’s my favorite part of the movie, it’s so good, the rock gets hurt he goes to the hospital and he catches wind sometimes, that his family needs him, and get the strength somewhere to get up from bed his bandages pop off him, he puts on his bullet proof vest, did you come, it was a big movement for me, it was a big seat wetter, i just realized that i was jealous, i mean if i was ever in that situation, if my family needed, i would shit my hospital bed, i would make that face, and shit, and that’s how i know it’s better to be a giant guy. 

Big Yelling Guy

I was getting on the train this was monday morning rush house and hte train pulled up and it was just packed with people,and this guy was on the train and when the train stops he gets off and when he tries to step back in a little guy had taken his space, and the big guy just freaks out, and it was in the way you only can if your a big guy he was like “listen dipshit i was here before and I will be here now, stuff in” eight in the morning. And then they spend the next stop almost kissing. They were so close together, they were one hot breath away from a deep kiss and I don’t know how their story ends, but I hope it’s over a candlelit dinner with the little guy just like you had me at stuff in. Cause i just keep thinking about this guy that’s how he starts his days, just rolls out of bed, what’s for breakfast, eggos nice, that’s the starygin ovum for his day of yelling what a dream what a dream, like if you could, wouldn’t you start every conversation, listen dipshit get everything done  faster. I’ve never yelled in public before, because everyday it sounds like it’s my bartmeistbva. And i didn’t think anyone would take me seriously but i’ve been trying to yell and it’s going okay. I was on the bus and I stood up too fast, and all my bones cracked too loudly, and the guy next to me, was like, drank some milk lady and I was like, I would if it agreed with me. It was a start, it was a start, I got a second chance at yelling, and to think it went better for me. I was at a bagel place and it was sunday morning and the guy in front of me ordered a blueberry bagels with strawberry cream cheese, and i was like, thank you, I’m glad i can  feel in this room that that bagel order is a disgrace, i heard him order it, and i was like, if i’m ever going to use my voice the time is now. JUST GET A MUFFIN. That  one felt good, that felt very good. I think that guy wanted a muffin and i set him free. 

The Muffin Incident

I had a bit of a muffin related to incineration and you’re not getting a better translation than that. Last summer I got called in for jury duty and I know it’s not supposed to be fun but it’s worse than I thought it would be. You have to get here at 8 in the morning and none of your friends are there, and you don’t know when you get ot eat and you don’t know when you get out leave, and they give you the paper and ask about your hobbies, oh here we go again snowboard, big condoms, I’m just jerking my cock on a mountain how about you? I was a mess that morning i got here at 758 and i went and got a coffee and big muffin form a kar,t and they grabbed about 12 of us and they were like, this is medical malpractice case and we want to make sure everyone can be fair and unbiased. And then everyone comes up with their little story, and they went to the first lady in the jury box and they were like mama can you be fair and unbiased in a medical malpractice case, and she went straight for the districts, MY HUSBAND WAS KILLED BY VEGETARIANS, oh we are so sorry,and let her go, oh come on that’s what i was going to do. They went to the next guy in the box and he was an old man, sir can you be fair and unbiased in a medical malpractice suit, and was like no  i myself and a doctor, oh bullshit i saw your quiznos badge in the hallway. Doctor me up roast beef you lying sack of shit. And then, my turn and I was like, I was ready, I was thinking of my story, ma’am can you be fair and unbiased in a medical malpractice suit, and I was like no, and they were like you are dismissed. You don’t want to hear it? I thought we were all doing stories, okay not asking questions, and walked out, and it’s an electric feeling, getting my day back. And I was going to take a picture to send to my boyfriend, and I saw in my reflection, I had chocolat all over my face, and that’s why there were no follow up questions because they don’t want you on the  jury if you look visibly insane. How is she going to handle a medical malpractice suit if she can’t handle a muffin? 

A Letter to Dyson

I do have some strengths, I have my strengths, I can write a bitch of an email to customer service. That’s’ where i shien, you ever do that you ever channel all of your energy into something no one is going to read. I did that, I wrote a real hummer dummer of an email to the dyson company, you guys know dyson?> they make vacuum cleaners. I wrote them an email because I found out that they don’t’ make vibration’ and I think that’s bullshit, they have all the parts, they have all the parts you’d need to make the greatest vibration in the world. It’s fucked up. LIke if you ever go to a restaurant den you’re like hey i know it’s not on the menu but you have all the parts, can i get a grilled cheese? And they’re like NO. and you’re liek butg you have the brand, the cheese and the girl can you just put them together so I can shove it in my vagina and go to bed. They make hand dries and it’s the exact opposite of what I want. You see the commierals for Dyson sometimes and it’s this uptight brightest guy and he goes most suction. And it’s like yeah, exactly. Guh, so this email got out of hand. I wrote to James Dyson. If you’re reading this, you better get your act together and make the great vibration in the world you smooth richard branson dick, and i hit send. And selma guess what, they fucking wrote me back, they wrote back they said they were going to forward it to teh correct department, which i believe is the police. You guys have been so much fun. Thank you for being here. I love you, thank you and goodnight.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s