Beth Stelling – Sweet Beth

Beth Stelling – Sweet Beth

Intro from Usuf Ali

She is fucking hilarious she’s from LA, so give her a lot of love, she’s in fucking Cleveland when she could be LA, so start clapping for Beth Stelling. Get my shit out here. Now that you’ve stopped clapping just one more time for yourself. So good to be here. 

Chicago Smash and Grab

So I started to stand up in Chicago and I went back for the first time just about a month ago. And I was welcomed back into the city, just after a year by having all my jokes stolen. Literally. We got back to the car after having just parked it and this neighborhood of Chicago and my boyfriend’s car had been cashed in, and the only thing they took was a backpack. Yeah I’m a 30 year old woman who still has a backpack as a purse. So that was chock full of jokes and lists, and things I collected over the last three years for my album. So I called the Chicago police and informed them i told them that i had a backpack full of gold stolen, and when we got there I did have to clarify it was in fact a backpack full of comedy gold. Not very patient, not very happy. You’re reporting a backpack full of papers stolen. Yeah well my wallet and phone but mostly the papers. Yeah I’m really concerned about those. Not happy with me. That was like the worst thief. It had to be the most diapason steal of 20212 for him, eh goes back to his lair with my backpack, and he took my 4 dollars in cash, and then he’s like wait a minute, it’s just a bunch of papers of lists with unrelated words on them, and then he takes out a setlist of mind and goes Shaquille O Neal, basement, dad, women are not funny. It is a good thing that I had my boyfriend throw it with me. He could probably win the amazing race. I had him back in Chicago, and we jumped in a dumpster for it, and when the police were questioning us about it, I yelled shut up right in his face. He forgave me, because . Thank you. He took me to TJmax, you guys have that? So we went there to get my reading glasses replaced. I loved going to TJ Max because I would always see three trannys. Especially the Chicago one. And they always look better than me, I’m very jealous of their legs. You’re not going to find transexzual, that’s the full word, at Lemun Marcus or (), buying fitness bags or juicy Cooter, they will be at that TJmaxx, because the man inside of them cannot bring them to pay full price. I appreciate that about them. I really do. 

Long Distance Relationship

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. As you can imagine, I’m constantly looking for a new relationship. Okay. I like him  a lot but I am constantly fantasizing about strangers, mostly homeless people, they’re very attractive in LA. They just woke up one morning and missed their commercial audition and fell asleep in the street. I just imagine grabbing their face and making out with them, and I think that’s really making their day even more than a hot meal. I think I’m giving myself too much power. I love my boyfriend so much I decided to go and get his name tattooed on my back. I know most of you are like whoopsie daisy. And yeah, I’ve seen the () I know things. But my friend was like, what were you thinking? If you ever sleep with someone else, from behind, and they see that, I can just look back at them and say, hey this is the kind of commitment you can expect out of me. 

How do I Look?

Sometimes you don’t always know how you look until someone tells you ,and it’s usually not very nice. I enjoy being disheveled. I spend most of my time not showering. It would take less time to just shower. It happened to me, I was going to get some cereal at the grocery store and I walked right in and got them. And then the checkout guy he’s checking me out just sliding things across there, and out of nowhere the checkout guy goes “you play ball?” excuse me? There is just like, paid and left, that’ is like saying to a complete stranger, “your big just huge do you use that, you should, your a huge woman, do you play sports, you have very large hands you probably don’t need a bag get out of here,” 

I do Ride my Bike

I used to ride my bike everywhere. I got to LA and I was like I can totally ride my bike here. Until I realize that people in la hate hta. One Mexican guy liked it. I was biking to a show, trying not to crash as I was checking out my cleavage. And one Mexican an gentleman pulled up next to me like, hey do you need a ride, and so i put my bike in his van. I was three hours late. Three hours late to that show. I was biking to a show in la, and what people, people don’t think about it, when you’re on a bike nether nothing, oh okay see ya later. Don’t want to talk to you. People can just do whatever they want, and this man started coming toward me, maybe he’s crowing the corwws walk no he’s not he’s right there on my right, and goes “I want to climb you,” I was like what if that’s what I thought sex was, just like a little koala, clingy up a tree. Just like his head. Okay. 

Sweet Beth

Biking has been good for me. It helped me lose a little bit of weight. I was getting tired of people just getting a boner from my personality. Uh, I originally gained the weight because I was working in food service, and as you can imagine i was serving food right out my face, I had originally taken the job in food service for sexual harassment. It worked out great, after about a year I was dating my boss and at the Christmas party he annoyed my boss and my girlfriend they announced that we were having a weightloss challenge which sounds illegal, so I quit, and I remember walking home that day probably halfway done with the 40 I was drinking and I was like you know what I deserve a treat. I walked myself over to the cvs for dinner, i love sweets, they call me sweet Beth. One person calls me that. It was me, I just did it. When you check out at a csv there are tons of lady mags in the checkout, it’s an abbreviation for lady mag, and no matter what time of year it is they’ll be like get your bikini body ready. In that voice. And I just slid those hooters. I think I can settle, will you give me some waffles? Ready. Anybody here, an extra credit card here? There are three of us, more exclusive than I could imagine, when we three swipe our little red cards, millions of coupons come out. There is always one in here that I like one dollar off your next 1000 dollars purchase, expires tomorrow. I’ll be back, get some blank DVD. They always have sour patch watermelons 2 for 3 dollar they’re my sister’s face tire. There is a coupon in there for products I won’t use. Like men’s, jull axe body spray, like men’s products and CVS is saying to me, if you buy it he will come. I’d like a man with hair, thank you. 

Seasonal BIking

So when I lived in Chicago and I did ride my bike. I even biked through the winters. I had to bundle up, use layers. SO i biked up to this bus stop one day and this old man waiting for the bus leaned over to me, and said “excuse me sir, is the bus coming” I was like, I’m a girl. And then I rode away. So the rest of the winter, I was just wearing my bra on the outside. Making sure my dick was tucked in. that’s just a safety thing, it could get caught in my pocket. Gives you an idea of how big it is. When it was warmer in Chicago I could wear a lot less clothing, and I looked a lot more like a ghost dad. Hold on right up, and then I was at a curb and a Mexican gentleman, I don’t know what it they like about me, he takes one more step closed to me on the bike and just goes “sex” and I was just like “no,” really more of a song that we created together, it’s’ hard to ride away from somebody when you collaborate like that. 

Aunt Beth

So I grew up in southwest Ohio, and it was a place called Dayton. And I got a call from my sister back home. I’ll leave if someone has a problem with Dayton. I left for a reason, yeah, some people don’t realize you can just put your items in a bag, and I did it. Choose a palace to go there. So my sister got big news from her. She and her boyfriend accidently planned a baby. So she was telling me that she’s only eating 300 more calories a day, to accommodate the lifeform in her body. Which blows my mind because I costume at least a thousand more calories during a pregnancy scare. And I’m always going for two. My sister has actually since had the kid, he’s very adorable. Everyone can be one, not everyone can beone, sorry to get your hopes up, yeah he was born, and then everyone said was very cute, he has my brother in laws brown eyes and my sister’s tiny penis, can’t wait to meet him. So, he was born. His name is Reed, I love going home to see him, and my mom and sister mostly because I like bringing home someone different every time, mostly to bmes with my mom. My mom is very uncomfortable with anything sexual I think because she is a virgin. Doesn’t stop me from playing a game called how many uncles is reed going to have. My mom is the type of gal who makes a lot of inverte sexual ideas, she’s the type of gal who goes to the dairy queen and orders penis brittle, excuse me, mom you are the type of girl that need a penis brittle. She recently replaced my step dad with a dog named Nigel, and Nigel starts humping my leg, and me and my sisters are laughing. [2.36]

Obsessed with Far and Away

I’m kidding, I put my mom through many more awkward moments than that. I used to be obsessed with the movies far and away starring Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, just me? This one is just for me then. I used to be obsessed with this movie. There is a scene where you might be able to see just a little of Tom cruise’s penis. Get into it. I realized that I was very in love with Tom Cruise at the age of 9 because we are the same size. I was wondering what it was like to be in love and feel something. And my mom was tucking me in to go to sleep and I just held her head up against my head. For an extraordinarily long time. Until she goes Beth, what was that, until I faked being asleep and then I went into the bathroom and shaved my leg without any shaving cream or water, so there was a lot of bleeding. 

Mom’s LIttle Nigel and The olympics

So uh my mom left me one of the best voicemails of all time, it’s saved and will be forever, she called, she’s this elementary school music teacher, she’s left a voicemail that was just his “honey call me back I walked in the house after school and I was hit with a wall of pooh. I walked down into the basement, and Nigel’s crate is full of pooh and diorama, honey I think I’m going to have to put him in the tub’ mom you raised three girls on your own and your needing me to tell you just put your shirt on over your nose and walk up the kitchen and get the fantastic from under the sink, i love how she needs me to tell her the perils of raising a puppy. It’s alright mom we’re all always learning. So my mom watched all of the polya csi this summer, I don’t watch a single Olympic, she called and was like, honey uh, i think that what you do is so hard, that it should be an Olympic event, and if it were you would win gold in women’s stand up comedy. Yes thank you, I’ll keep trying. 

Beth Control

So my sisters are getting married and having babies. Things like it’s wonderful. I have dreams, so I decided to go out and get an iud, it’s not a urinary tract  infection it’s an internal urinary device it goes right in the utern, so i went to my concentration and the lady was like everything looks good, but I didn’t know if you knew this but your uterus is actually tilted backwards, so what you’re telling me is that even my uterus is like umum, we’re good. I appreciate men that are very pro condoms. It’s a good thing to do. Sometimes when they’re really adamant about it, it’s like, don’t you think I’d be a good mom. It’s a little rude. 

Cabbage Patch Crib

My sister was always very good to me growing up except for the fact that they would never let me play with their cabbage patch crib, so one day I stepped right into that crib and pooped in it. It had to be thrown away. That tacit still works today. If you want something. Go ahead and poop in it. Uhh. 

Unburied Love

When I was in. When I was in fifth grade, I was in love with an older man. He was in 6th grade, and I knew it was meant to be because we rode the same ten speed bike. Then I knew it was even more meant to be when his older brother started dating my older sister. I was like this is it, better invite him over to my unfriend basement to play a game of mall amsddes, Things went really well, but he didn’t call and he totally could have because  my name was in the school directory. So in my sorrow I went out. I bought two goldfish and I named them Beth and Teddy and Beth died because you have to feed them but in order to save Teddy I put him in some filtered water and did some breathing exercise. It didn’t work, so what I did with the fish carcass was I put it in a jewelry box and wrapped it up with a little tape and kept it in my top drawer. Until my sisters found it and went immediately to my mother and we had a very intense talk about serious killers. And how maybe not to be one. 

Wedding and Water Parks

Um, our middle sister Hannah got married a couple years ago, and she asked me to be the maid of honor and I was , uhh , I don’t know , a lot of time and money and Paris. And he is like Beth. This is like a once in a lifetime thing, and I was like a statistic disagree, I’ll be there, I’ll be there. My apresentar divorced. They divorced when I was about three years old. And my two older sisters started visiting my dad in oldland Florida where he started living because it was court ordered. And I would still see him as an adult if he had something nice to say to me. I still remember getting off the plane as an adult and him being like hey b  looks like you got a little acme huh. Thank dad, then after my freshman year of college he was more like the freshmen forty. Well dad I eat because you left us. I haven’t washed my face since then citehr. Well actually I grew my boobs in college with ice cream, I won. My dad used to take us to this water park called Wet and Wild in Orlando. Three people have lived. So wet and wild is home to the tallest water slide called the (), and one day we go and my stepmom is there she doesn’t on the water slide she’s too drunk, and we decide that we’re going to go together as a family so my cable goes down first, and he get quite a bit of water up his shorts, then my sister second and she in the height of puberty so she’s in a bikini orange, and when she goes down this two story slide her bikini top flies up and her chest is just exposed to hundred of water park on looks. Let me tell you now that ruined her life. I’m sitting at the top of the slide in my own piss my sister ‘s oldest one behind me yelling at me. I’m nine. I must be tall enough over here. The lifeguard over here, I’ll call him the lifeguard and watch me down. I have no time to cross my legs over my body as the sign specifically instructed. I was climbing hundreds of feet into this death trap. Water shot so fast up my crotch that I consider that day wet and wild the day I lost my virginity. I was nine, and I could have waited a year. With somebody that I loved. I’ve recently worked up the courage to write a little letter to wet and wild to have them consider changing the name from the basrticka to the i just douched ya. Ben is a little more fitting. 

Visiting Dad

I would go see my dad more but flying is also awful. They have charged you for everything. It’s like 5 dollars for an aisle or 30o dollars for an exit row. You want me to give you 30 extra dollars to be a substitute air controller in case of an emergency, I think so. I think you should be paying me to be a hero. I will get these people off this flight down the slide to their death in an orderly fashionL the full body can see breasts. I was flying out of Dayton and the man in front of me was losing his mind. Just flipping out about the full body scan. Just like I am not going through I am not getting nuked, i regurese to get nuked. Excuse me sir I will go in front of you and get nuked so you know you won’t get nuked. OS i took all the robin eggs and skittles out of my pockets, and went through the scan and i just looked back at him like, ruff ruff. Which means everything is fine. I got on my flight, hew as heavily searched. I don’t think he made it on. So my father started his own business in Orlando Florida, it’s to collect stars on call, go ahead on staron call dor com, go ahead and give so many hits he doesn’t even know what that means. What is it, he dresses up in different costumes and stands. Street corner and sing to get people into that business. So he gets paid to do what crazy people do for free, and my dad has tons of costumes, just chock full in his grave so many that people think he’s usually having a garage sale. So yeah people will call him up and be like whey, i need a pizza man or chef big butt, and he’ll be like oh yeah chef big butt from three to five, i can do that, i’ll send a man wout. Always him, just him nonone else, no one else works for that company. So when I was there he called me out to living room around midnight. He said you’re going to want to see this, and I was like, am I going to want to see this? What I didn’t expect to see was 18 raccoons eating out of a huge throat with dog food in it. And he was like yeah I threw in some hershey kisses, cause even racoons deserve desert. And I was like, that I agree with. Yeah. That’s the only part I agree with. Okay so my dad is feeding rabies infected animals in his backyard. As you can imagine those numbers have skyrocketed exponentially. Then again it’s digits. He’s like don’t worry about it b, everynight i bleach the back. So what you’re telling me is that every night you’ve created for yourself an unpaid racoon internship. Go ahead and take back your life. My sister calculated how much he’s peeing on dog food, it’s 4000, she didn’t  calculate the hershey kisses. Apparently my dad was like we know it’s a problem. But on the off nights that it’s a night we don’t feed them they take rocks from the rock garden and scratch them up and down our bedroom window until we feed them. I was like, what. That is terrifying. And you need to call an extmaintor. Immaigley. But I didn’t think that the phone call would be like “hello yeah we have a little bit of a problem on our hands, these raccoons in the backyard, yeah 73m 73 back there how? Direct result of my actions. That is what it was’ so it’s far too expensive to examine these raccoons, so he’s trapping and releasing them into the wild. He makes his own traps. He calls me like I got everything under control. I’ve caught ek 39 raccoons. Two raccoons, a black cat and some possums and there are still a lot of them out there, big ones, so my dad has been transferring them in his cars, just in a cage with a blanket on it. And he’s like b did i tell you one of them got out in the car the other day, but i’m like do tell, so i can tell the world. He’s like well I had them in the cage and he was poking his fingers through just sounds like halloween. He went well thankful when he got in the driveway, pulled over and opened the back hatch and drove off. I knew exactly how that raccoon felt. So by the way, my dad is doing this transport in a geo, which is essentially a roller skate, so you can imagine how tiny the quarters are. So he gets down to the lead raccoon, his name is Snooker, this is a man in his 60’s, so he drops his cage off wherever he’s taking them, and he’s like he started following me. That’s when you run, and he’s like no, we’ve been friends for a long time. I just stood there in my swim trunks and she walked over to me and with his bare fingers he did this with my leg, as if you thank you. Yeah dad or like to say, here is some rabies. Thanks for ruining me and my close 72 relatives’ lives. You know aht doesn’t grow in the wild dog food and hershey kisses, he’s the worst. 

Basement Dad

So I didn’t grow up with my dad. My dad loves me very much but he wasn’t around, so I often imagine what it would be like to have those 6th grade sleepovers, and I’ve decided what my dad would be like if she was around when I was in 6th grade. He’d come down to the basement, he’d be like “why guys i noticed that some of the tostitos were missing, don’t hide it just divide it. Hey guys anyone listen to Sam adams, totally don’t do that, the vhs splash is upstairs everyone their own bad. Hey who won crowdfire really. Alright i’ll go up i’l;l go up, one last time, an idan guy a black guy and a gay guy who here has their period. I’ll right i’ll go up i”ll go up. I wish. 

Beth’s Pests

Wherever I live in whatever city I’m in, I’ll always have pests, lik in chicago i’ll have rats, just one rat, and I got home and my roommates were like yeah we have a really big rat in there, and in asl ike alright i’m going to leave came back 3 weeks later. And I knew the rap was still there, because someone had been trying on my sweaters, and the seat was still up and we were getting care packages from shredder. There was still no return address on those. When I lived in la my palace had a town of roaches. I found out we had them when I was eating some chicken wings and I found a little prize that had dropped out, but it was actually a tiny movie script that one of the roaches was writing. Chicken wings don’t give you prizes, they give you explosive diarrhea. The butter balls are sponsored by Guerlain and i”m sponsored by [?]

The Bachelor

One of my favorite shows to watch is the bachelorette. Yeah go ahead and judge me. When i watch the bachelorette i go to to watch it and i scroll through all the episodes to watch it that are vying for this one man’s love on national tv, jus so i can hear one of the girls say something like never in million years could i have imagined fallin in love this hard and this fast on national tv. I’m ready to spend forever with him, because I want to be there. Hey girl, if I were taking 3 helicopter rides and falling off the helicopter on some guy’s dickon the Bahamas, I could probably fall in love with my brother. And he’s 16.

The Longest Drink Order

So I live in LA now and it is wonderful. The people watching are fantastic . You get to play games like, is it her dad. I also witnessed the longest drink order ever, it was just one drink from a gal like this. I think we should get out of here. Can we get a drink? Can we get some white cream berries? Gimme some smirnoff so i can’t taste him. Make it! Make my drink. Shhhh. Is the kitchen still open? It’s my birthday. Where are all my friends? Phone toes my phone. No. NO. You, you’re a cutoff. I’m a trained impressionist. You have been such a wonderful crowd. 

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