Mark Normand – Don’t be Yourself

Mark Normand – Don’t be Yourself

Greenroom: Mark and Amy

(knock on door ) one minute. (Amy: Mark, listen, I know what you’re thinking. It’s your first hour special and you’re thinking you’re not funny enough, and you’re not good looking enough to be on television.  And must you need to quit all of those thoughts you have every right to be here, and it’s not just that I’m producing it for you that you get to do it. It’s not just that your average height and weight are very forgettable looking. It’s not about that, it’s about comedy. It’s about jokes. Jokes that aren’t good enough that you’re about to tell. But I don’t need you to think about that. Don’t let anything get in the way up here. Cause you are better than everyone says you are. What are you going to do? Save your voice. You’re going to do so well. I don’t regret this, I didn’t try to back out.


It’s me! It’s me! What a great crowd. Yes! Thank you guys so much for comedy, welcome to one of the best knights of your goddamn life. We’re going to have so much fun tonight. I am so proud to welcome to the stage one of my favorite all time comedies. Please welcome to the stage, Mark Normand! Thanks, thank you, get out of here. Hey. Alright. How ya doing. Alright, Jesus Christ. 


Big event: I’m a little hungover. It’s amazing that we still can’t prevent a hangover. I’ve tried the water, I’ve tried the pills, nothing works. We can prevent children. We can’t prevent a hangover. At least some people want kids. I have never woken up and been like I’m really hungover, but you know what I want to keep it. I have to cut back on the sauce. I blacked out last weekend. Told my roommate and he was uhh, that means you forgot to brush your teeth last night. I was like wow, that is the least of my worries. I’m more concerned with the lipstick I’m warning and why I sent my mom a dick pick. Oh, a family plan. People always talk about how honest you are when you’re drunk. Oh get that guy drunk he’ll tell you anything. I feel more honest when I’m hungover. I’m drunk and I can lie all day. Cops are like you’ve been drinking, no way, when I’m hungover, that’s when I’m honest, my life  is in scalpels I have nothing to live for. My friend is like, hey do you want to get brunch, I’m like ehh, I’ve never liked you. Everything is a lie when you’re drunk, hey this is the best night ever and she’s super hot. a waste of time  spent too much money and that’s due. I guess I’m an alcoholic, if I’m going to be addicted to anything I guess alcohol, it’s just so easy to get. I guess that’s why alcohol is the only drug you put out with friends. Like cocaine, whoa whoa we all love Greg but that shits’ expensive. See I drink a lot, but I still get myself done. I’m what you call a functional alcoholic, any functional alcoholic. We get a bad rap, we’re actually harder working than everyone else, drunk. Bob showed up to work on time, well I slept here. Susie didn’t show up because she had the flu. Well, I have a disease and I’m keeping it a secret. Where is my plague huh. 

Planes, Trains, and Anxiety

I was hungover on a flight the other day. I hate flying, give me a train. I’d take an Amtrak anyway, no bag check no security, it’s like they’ve never heard of a terrorist. Flying is like a high maintenance girl, gotta get here an hour early, take your shoes off and do a body scan, Jesus Christ, good lord. A train is like a drunk chick, get a beer, get in here! No security on a  train whatsoever, you can walk on a train with 3 suitcases whatever, hey see something, say something, chew chew. This is how desirable trains are: they don’t ask to see your ticket until they’ve started moving. How much of a fuck can they give. Tickets please. I don’t have one. How am I going to get one now I don’t have any money. Enjoy Newark. I hate flying they’ve ruined. Every flight is an anxiety attack. Every time I fly I feel like it’s’ the first day of class all over gain. Just like single file line, book bag on, trying to find your seat then you finally get to your seta fill up on snacks then start farting. Then the flight attendant she’s like the teacher. Gives you a little lecture, seat belt seat belt. Then the pilot, he’s like the principal up in the office, gets on the loudspeaker, doesn’t want to meet him to know if you’re in trouble. Gits on there tell you can’t pee, I’m 32 years old, it’s not pee time, sit down. Christ. Good lord. Now you’re pissed, just waiting it up, like class, how much lodger how ,much longer. Plane lands the bells rings, you grab stuff fight your way home then your home to your see your mom. Alright, hey. Love a train. The only flaw of a train if you fall asleep on a train they just keep going. If you fall asleep on a train they don’t care. I wake up and I feel like a roofie victim. Where are we, what’s going on, who is he? It’s so dramatic you miss your stop on a bus or subway, you walk a couple extra block on a train, it’s like well guess I have to start a new life. 

Evil Brain

I don’t know, I worry about everything. I have horrible anxiety. Riddled with anxiety. I live in the city. Do you guys ever do this? Do you ever leave your house without headphones? Whew! Thoughts are not good. My god this whole time I thought I loved music turns out that I just hate my brain, just being attacked by this security playlist. You drink too much, you’re stupid, you’re going to die alone. My brain thinks too much, it attacks me like a bully. I’ll be at a party, everyone is hanging out having a good time, my brain will be like, hey you weird everyone is having a good time my brain is like, hey why aren’t you saying anything. You finally sat something your grain is like, why did you say you psycho. That’s what you picked. Shut up dummy. My brain never stops I can’t sleep at night, that’s why I hate these beds. How do you  sleep at night? What’s your sleep number? You think lack of comfort is what is keeping me up at night? You think that’s the problem? It’s the goddamn Japanese game show happening up here. C’mon. I need a Xanax and some self esteem. Comfort can sleep on gravel roads if I had  a good childhood. Yeah brain never stops that’s why I never got the guys who are like yeah I’m going to bed i8 can’t just go to bed. I have to pass out. You want me to lay in the middle of a room without underwear, that’s what screwed me up it the first place. Brutal. I don’t think I’m prepared. I wouldn’t say that. Although the symptoms of depression. Binge drinking, not getting out of bed, avoiding people, those are the things that make me most happy. They always show these committals some guy pops a pill and starts skydiving. Depressed guy in bed with a bunch of pizza boxes, that’s living. Awkward guy, very awkward. See that was tough. I’m working on it, it’s too intimate. I don’t know how you guys do it. It’s too much. I don’t know how you do it. Every time someone does it’s like well we’re in love now. Certain things are too much just words, like I love you. That’s too much. I can’t do that. I can barely say CrossFit. It’s too pretentious. I’ll take uhh muffins and screw it. Socially awkward. I know I’m socially awkward, so I asked my friend what his biggest fear is. He said losing his child. He was like what about you?, I said, accidentally hitting the facetime button on my phone. There are more terrifying moments in your life. I’m eating an old can of tuna. I have a year book open. Yeah too much. Oh yeah. I’m an introvert, introvert here. You guys rarely speak up. Not fun being an introvert, you have to get out there and fake it. Most[people like being around people, this is an introvert’s biggest fear, you’re leaving like hey I’m gonna take the train home, this guy is like oh yeah what train you’re taking? I was going to take the number 6, hey me too! Fuck! Damnit, back on the clock. Tough To be around people, day jobs i don’t know how you do it. Eight hours of this group then five o’clock rolls around, and someone is like hey let’s go and drink. More of this group no! This is unpaid overtime. Have you ever gone out to eat and there is someone eating alone? I know I’m living the dream. Just a weird brain I have, I want you to like me, but I’m scared of you. If you have a party, i want you to invite me, i won’t go, but if I’m not invited I’ll kill myself. This is where I’m at up here. And if you don’t get these jokes, just know your life is better than mine. C’mon mark, introvert you’re talking to 400 hundred people where. Well it’s pretty simple. I pre hersped this material.. It’s a one-sided conversation. You guys are the one just walking into the break room, beep boping scatting. You walking in like hey bob how was your weekend, how did you know how to say that. Holy Moley, what did you take an improv class? No, I have t5o prepare for everything. I see the break room 0 feet away. Alright how are you doing bob, Alright how are you doing bob, Alright how are you doing bob, Alright how are you doing bob,  fuck Jews! I’ve always been like this thank god you get away with humor. I remember one time at Thanksgiving we all had to say what we’re thankful for. I’m thankful for the roof over my head, my wife, but what are you thankful for? I was like, well honestly I’m thankful but I’m not attracted to kids. Wouldn’t’ that suck be a horrible life and everyone there is like whoa what the hell is that. And I didn’t get it, I was like I am not attracted, what is the problem. Then I got pissed, I’m the only one in here that is clearly not a pedophile. 

Lady parts

No you’ can’t’ always be yourself with people. Especially with women. That’ll put that right to bed. You know. I remember one time I was on a date with a girl, going pretty well, went back to her place, took out a condom, and she went who, who , where did you get that thing. I was like they were free at the bar. And she was like whoa that’s gross. And I was like well that’s where I got you. Still not sure why that’s offensive. I always bring my own condoms and don’t let the girl provide it. One time I forgot mine. And the girl was like, “I have one, she finds one magnum. Uhhh. dammit this went from a good time to a challenge. I was like alright let’s give it a while, she ripped it open threw it open and it fit it fit! That’s a man version of Cinderella. I was vellof the ball. It fits like a sweater on an axnorit girl. There are a lot of dating sites out there, I think guys like dating sites because it’s hard to approach a woman cold. Out of nowhere especially when you’re doing this. Tough move. Though move. That’s why I think women should hit on even more. You guys can say anything to us. One time a chick came up to me like hey I’m gonna kidnap you. Wow, I could never say that to a woman. I say that to a lady and she comes to the police. I am curious what a lady would say that would offend me. She could be like alight I’m going to take you home drug you, and have sex with you and film it. I’d like to at least let me pay for the uber. I’m just jealous of you gals. You have options the freedom to say no. if a girl goes on a date with a guy and he take out nazi memoribal she can say no. if i got out on a date with a girl and she takes out her Nazi maembriol I’m like I have to bang her and get the hell out here. You lady, you’re just so sexy. So hot. I just want to sequester you. I love it. This is how sexy girls are. We were having dinner once and the girl leaned over and was like, hey I’m not wearing any underwear. And I’m like why is that sexy. Has it ever been an obstacle. Has a guy ever seen a girl panties and been like whew it’s going to be a long night. Put a put on coffee on I can’t crack that code. You talk about a n article of clothing i can’t see and it’ turns you on. I can’t do this, I can’t lean over during diner and be like hey, I’m not wearing underwear. She’s going to be like uhh what happened. diaadia , laundry day, need a wet wipe what happened. Talk to me. I don’t know. Just tough to date now, we have no patient, we want everything immediately Uber tinder Netflix. We want quick sex whenis that going to happen. I was with a girl the other day, I finished early she was like what’s that. Well it’s’ the times we live in. I don’t have the patience for your vagina to be buffering. Lets go. Your an angel girl in a digital world sister. Pick it up. Yeah everything is different now, one time I sat down with a girl and she was like you don’t send dicks picks do you, and i was like no, and sahwas like good dicks are gross. And i was like shit that’s all i got. What the hell are you doing here if you think dicks are gross. I don’t get that through process you think it’s you put it inside you. I think coconuts are gross you see me eating one, it’s charming. I’m not a dick pic kind of guy i don’t think that my dick is real impressive to be seen on a phone. It’s like an indie band you have to see it live. 

Dating’s Weird, huh?

I was in a relation for like 11 years, now i’m out there scared alone facid. I learned all teh tricks of the tradea gain, the hard way, ti’s tough, like i learned when girls don’t like it when guys say sex on a dte, it’s liek saying bomb at an airpoort. Whoel thign shtus down, rwe all liek sex it feels goodthe onlyw ao to get the thing you want is pretend you don’t want it. What if jobs interview were like that, so mark why do you want to work here, who says i want to work here, just hanging out island taking it easy. I was on a date and i was like hey do you want to make, she was like uh grow up. Iw as like okay, anal? That’s older right. Yeah i learned the hard way a girl likes when a guy has a plan for a date, how did guys get stuck with that chore. Right, I had a girl ask me out once, we met up, she was like hey what are we doing, i don’t know what we are doing, she was like you didn’t plan anything. I’m like no. She’s like no, well you’re just as worthless as me. Why do I have to figure it out? I believe in equal rights, can’t we do this together? She was like, well it’s very manly when a guy plans a date. No it’s not, it’s just convenient for you, how is the manely, chopping wood is manly wrestling a bear is manley, there is nothing manley about tapas and bistros. C’;mon ladies you got that right to vote in the 20’s, use that on restaurants. I don’t know where to go just because I have a dick i’m zaggurt. Help me out. Manly, c’mon, I noticed that women only call things manly when they like. Oh he wants to bang my friends so manly, going bald so manly, ahhh. Maly too, where the credit for that, ah yeah. Tough to figure out what to do. We couldn’t figure what to do, we went people watching. That’s a new york thing to do for people watching. Shouldn’t we call it what it really is, people judging. I’ve never bene bird watching, oo i wonder if that sparrow knows he’s gay. That’s not a sparrow that’s a swallow. But hey, it’s gotta be tough today as a woman. That’s gotta be tough dating dudes. God that’s good to be awful, could get murdered could have a soul patch. But women can say stuff men could never say. Like, one time i was taking dinner with a girl and telling a story and she cut me off said, you know what i like in a guy, i like a strong silent type. What, could you imagine if a guy said that, what do you like in a girl, silence. I like a woman whose touch and shut the hell up. Kicked out society. I don’t know maybe it’s me, maybe I’m screwed up sexually. I caught my parents having sex within I was 8, 21 and today. Yeah. The idea of your parents having sex is so horryoifng. That’s why I’m surprised parente don’t use that as a threat. Hey Timmy, better clean your room. Me and your mom are gonna go to it. How was that math dtes Billy, I got an ad, I’ll show you some d. Yeah it’s tough out there i’m seeing someone now, but single life, that’s the real deal. People Are so condescending to single people. Aw you’re single. I’m sure you’ll find someone. We assume they’re lonely, but why do we assume singlehood is lonelier than being in a relationship. Feel like loneliness is eari to manage, eiser to get out of. If you’re in a bad relationship you’re like well i guess i gotta to kill her. Or him. My ex, she was tough, she was a real big femisnt, now I’m a feminism but she was annoying. She would alwaysways say stuff like men just judge us by our looks, what about achievement. Which is true we don’t do that. But women you do that to, We all judge women. Like one time she caught me flirting with another girl. What does hse look like, that was her first question, i was like whoa what about her achievements that’s a human being. When you’re single you miss love. It’s nice to have love. That’s nice. But that’ the thing, we all want the love but nobody want ost do the work, this’ kind of like a dog walker. We all want a dog but we pay someone to do the stuff you don’t want to do. Pick up the pop, walk it, wouldn’t it be great to have a girlfriend walker. Just some guy on the sidewalk with eight girls. Alright. Tell me about your day. Has to be some hypothetical. Gotta get your girlfriend back like, did she cyr, took awhile but she cried. A lot of women hate that jokes, which is how you know it’s real. Maybe I’m just being bitter. Bringing out my last girlfriend dumped me said I wasn’t manly enough for her, wasn’t a manly guy. I didn’t think women were allowed to say stuff like that. How come a woman can say that, yeah that guy is good with his hand he can fix stuff, but a guy is like yeah i like a woman that can cook. It’s not the fifty, how come I can’t say that. Also who doesn’t like someone that can fix stuff around the house. I’d love to come home and my girlfriend is like hey I built a deck. Alright, I’ll do laundry. See I think women are just so smart, because you guys made your gender roles offensive. Yeah that was very clever. Well played. Guys how great it would be if we got offended. You wake up at 5 am, hey I heard glass breaking, well it’s not the fifties you go check it out. I will say this, I’m sick of good looking people. I’m done with you, men and women. You think everything you say is interesting. I went on a date with a good looking chick once, it was boring. She had nothing to say and no personality. And I checked out at one point, and she was like I can tell you don’t like me but you want to sleep with me. And I’m like yeah that’s your fault. She was like screw you, I’m more than just a face, and I’m like yeah but that’s all you worked. Your hair, your makeup, your routfit, get a goddammit knock knock joke together. I don’t get these good looking people. They spend all their time on their looks, none on their personality, why wouldn’t you work on that too? Before I go on a date everyone goes, how do I look, no one is annoying. Isn’t that more important? That’s what you should worry about, I know I’m not a hot guy. Before a date I’m writing jokes on my hand, limericks, and anecdotes. I’m bringing it. I’m tapdancing up there. Right. Yeah. C’mon I’m working on it. Like my girls is funny but not that hot, I know that’s why I’m funny. I gotta fill in the gaps here. I’m not one of these guys like hey looks don’t matter, it’s about the insides. We all want to be attractive and have other people find us attractive. Hate when people lie about that. I was  at a party once, that caitlin Jenner, she’s kind of weird looking. And this chick is like hey she’s beautiful, and i’m like well you kind of look like her, and she’s like fuck you. 

God Hates Gags

Yeah ex girlfriend was Jewish, big ol Jew, yeah we dated for a while.. Just found out my ex girlfriend is getting breast implants. That’s on me, I like the term breast implant, I don’t like the term fake breast, cause the break is still real, it’s just the shit inside that’s fake. Kind of like the bible, the book is real, it’s just the sthi inside that’s fake. Boy the bible, what a buzzkill. They don’t like anything fun. They hate gays, they hate trans people, that’s going to be great when people are so sexually advanced that it’s not even in the bible. I love having sex with my robot, god is just like allright. I know some people get mad when you make fun of their relation, if you believe it just believe, i believe in gravity if someone is like, gravity is not real, alright good luck out there. C’mon I don’t know religion just seems silly, who needs god we have google. We’re good. He writes back. Feeling for over the  year. 60 years ago rock and roll was considered the devil’s music now there is chiristian rock. Wells ah the hell happened there what if we wait long enough they just join in. what next if we just wait long enough there will be Christian gay pron., I don’t mean to bash shit, i just don’t think people really blieve, id on’t think you really buy it. We were brought up with it, I went to catholic school. I don’t think people believe it, the devil really? Some guy with horns pitchfork, waiting for you, the most evil thing ever, we’re too casual about it, we have food named after him, devil food cake, devilled eggs, we have a hockey team named after him, the new jersey devils. We would never name a sports team after something real and evil. Never had the detorid ISIS coming at you. We’re gonna give him hell. Hey holocaust, slavlery softserver, can’t get the swirl cn’at mix the colors. It’s actually real evil. The most evil thing ever. Too casual about it, we say hey speak of the devil where’s greg. Comaptin greg to the most evil thing of all time, willy nilly, you’d never do that with something real and evil. Hey speaking of jared fogel there’s Greg. Hey, no. I hate kids. Must be comforting to really believe something. I am really tired of religion. I prayed nothing would happen. Zero results, zero. I feel like we let religion slide because it’s free. If you had to pay for religion once a month like Netflix, you’d be like well this shit isn’t working. I’m going to try that agonistic network just once, at least that’s free. 

When I Grow Up

Just putting my thoughts out here folks, i know weird, you guys are nice some guys don’t take it as nice. I got called a douchebag at a show recently. That’s a fun word, douchebag. Because the insult is more popular than the actual product. I don’t know anyone who has ever used a douche. What is a ziplock? I feel bad for the guy who invented the thing. What is a guy in the 1800’s? I did some research on it, apparently it’s bad for you. So apparently the guy who invented it, kind of a douche. That’s the thing, I’m getting older. I gotta get it together. Getting older is tough, everything falls apart when you get older. A year ago I started losing my hair and started taking propitiation. Cannot get an erection you remember. This girl i was dating at the time, was like hey you gotta get off those pills i’d rather you have an erection thaan hair. Which is nice to hear but it only works when you’re dating someone. Like if i was a bald guy that hit on her on the bar, hey can i buy you a drink, nah i’m good, ah, i have a boner. Hair loss is scary. I don’t know if women realize how much dudes think about that. I was telling my friend I was worried about hair loss and he was like I know what you’re going through, I’m going grey. I was saying, well changing colors i s a lot differe43nc than losing something. That’d be like if I went on the beach the other day and was like, a shark attacked me and my friend was like, I feel you man, tan linie. Yeah. Being an adult it’s tough, you can tell that being an adult is hard just by the abbreviations we use. Lol, omg, brb. When you’re an adult you like shit, I got dui. Dmv, irs is up my ass, i got a uti, my ibs is kicking in, i might have a std, some kid is like tmi and your like f you. Everything kind of changes when you get older. My brother had a kid that’s crazy. Everyone wants to play with the baby and touch the baby, I find babies fancision. Because babies are the only thing that comes out of another person that the stranger wants to hold. You know everything about that, anything else comes out of humans, it’s like wow this dinner party is over. But a baby we’re all about. Weird we live in such a germinatiopohibic culture you sneeze on a person he wants to kill you, vainga most gooch gooch goo. Something to think about. There are some perks to getting older, I think older women are sexy, anyone here has been through menopause. Might be a younger crowd. I’m very ignorant on this stuff, you ladies keep a lid on this stuff. My aunt is going through menopause right now. She’s bummed out, she’s depressed. I thought that’d be a good time, years of discomfort over, c’mon sister you’ve graduated time to move that tampon string to the side. Right. Why ain’t that a party,where that facebook invite, hey aunt marie stopped  bleeding every month, everyone in the pool! Yeah. I’m just being myself, people tell you to be your sfl your whole life. That advice sucks. Every Time i’ve been myself, I’ve been fired, kickin the balls, dumpered whatever, do n’t be yourself, yourself is naught, you’re  naughty. That’s why whenever you walk into an elevator alone, no one else in there, uuu i’m in there myself, i can be weird, no one else in here, yeah alright, some other guy walk in there i’ve got a boner i’ve queefing. You have to adapt and go back to society, you know. People tell you to be yourself at the worst time, hey you got a hot date tonight mark, just be yourself. Arlight. You’re sitting at dinner, she’s just like what you’re thinking about, well, just thinking you know. Rarely shee any female pedophines. Which is probably for the best because they can make their own kids. Just being me. Worst time hey you got a job interview just be yourself, you r in some office some guy is like so mark what’s your worst quality. Well I always start msagbating when I’m already late for something. Jesus christ, quite a curve ball there, got asked now. Now what’s your best quality? Pretty fast masbate. I don’t think we’re going to need you here to build a bear. Thank you. I like phony phony is underrated, it gets a bad rap, why does that get a bad rap. Phony makes the world go round. Waiters. They don’t care about you, they’re being phony, it’s nice. The phonier they are the more you tip. Nice hotels, come on in sir, we’re so glad you came, i couldn’t’ give a rats ass about you. We pay top dollar for phony. I don’t want a stripper who is authentic. Get a lap dance, yeah you like that, well i’m just trying to get my kids back. Go back! 

MIddle East Stinks

I’m trying to do new stuff, trying to mix it up. I went to the middle east to perform for the troops. And I have to tell you that place sucks. Let me tell you guys, they’re behind the times, it’s rough. They hate jews they hate gays, they don’t let women drive. That one isn’t bad. It’s rough. Holy moly. Ik was over there with a friend of mine, very open gay guy. We almost got in like ten fist fights. It’s weird because the men over there hate gays but they also hold hands, so it’s a weird thing for your brain to compute. Hhey get out here faggot scome here tom. Yeah i got real bummed out i was over there too long i got so homesick i googled the bald eagle. True story, fun fact, the most common way the bald eagle dies is that it gets hit by a train. Yeah it swoops down to eat a carcass on a  train track and can’t fly away and the train hits it. What’s more american than that? We’ve all been there. You go to a buffer, eat too much aa just fuckign kiill me. Yeah they put all the performers up in this little condom in the middle of the desert. I didn’t feel safe at all. They locked it with a chain lock. Who feels safe with a chain lock? I don’t get to lock it like yeah i want to keep criminals out but i also want to ideate them, give them a couple inches. Seems like a prank rather than a safety feature. Hey i think this guy left the door unlocked hey what a rascal. 

Gay Old Time

Yeah. i hate to throw around the f bomb any gays guys here tonight, thanks for coming out, literally. I have a gay roomoate. I feel like gay peopel and poor people have a lto in comon, we’re both born tah way. Women just want to be our friend, and when you finally tell your parents they’re like yeah we knew. I went oth e gay preide parade a coupel weeks ago, yeah still sore. They have those homographic guys out there with the signs. How much do you have to hate a group to make a sing. I’ve never made asing my whole life. I feel bad that these people are prejudiced and productive. The marker on poster board. Ironically the group you hate the most would like to jazz up that poster. Every singe too god hates fags god hate fags. Every sign. That’s not threatening, who’s afraid of god. I’d be more scared of a sign that says bill hates fags, shit is bill here? Is that bill? Bill is real. What creative of gay was like sign trhat is gay igainst kids. I like seeing a gay coupel with a kid. You know that kid isn’t an accident. No gay couple could get that fucked up. Oh shit what happened last night did we rob an orphanage? Jesus christ, holy hell. We got lay off the mojitos. Yeah. give gay couels kids. You know who shouldn’t have kids, poor people my parents are poor i’m comedian red flay. So weird in this country you have to be 25 to rent a car, 14 to have a kid. Have to have a credit card to rent a car. Give the owner a commercial break. Hey, I’m 24 . Can I rent a car? Yeah but i own a car and ih ave two jobs, but a kai sorenti that’s big repsionaility.l i just got an email from a gay guy taht has a crush on me. This guy is hot, he’s a ten. Smoking. Bummer that i’m not gay. A hot gay guy with a cursh on you is kind of liek finding a million pesos, aw man, i can’t do mucha bou this now, but if i ever cross this line ill be set. Yeah, come a long with the gay a full 180, now you get as much with being homophobic as did 60b years ago. You tell your mom your gay she’s liek great, you tell your mom your homophobic she’s like don’t tell anybody. It’s’ all flipped what are the kdis agoing to say on the playgorudn when i was a kid gay was the number wone insult, now waht, hey look at bill, haah he runs like he doens’t belivein same sex marraige, waht abou tbob he’s never lbown a guy what a bpussy. Sometimes i wish si aas gay. I got fired from my last job for sexual harassment, I told a woman she had nice legs, and they fired me. Which pisses me off becuase my gay friend get away with murdger. Hey shelly how are you, honk honk hwy is that okay well she’s not attracted to women. I can’t go to apply ground hey timmy heey. I don’t get stuff like that, you’re a woman,we wouldn’t rather be complicated by someone who’s into you. I don’t want to be complimented by lesbains. Nothing giants them it’s just like hey thanks you have the same haircut as me. 

White People Problems

Yyeah when iw as at the gay pride parade, i went with a frined I knew this guy twlewe years. He decided to come out at the parade. I had no idea he was gay. When your friend ocmes out of the clsoet your first thought is  holy hell how many gay jokes have i made aroudn this guy? Twelge yeras that’s a lot of jokes,m and i had a guy in the crowd be like what you make gay jokes do you hate gays, no you idoit i just make fun of whose not around. I’m not prejudiced, I’m a coward. When Jeff isn’t here we make fun of bill. I don’t hate him, he just wasn’t here. What do you make fun of black people are racist? No, i just didn’t see any, right, i wish i didn’t see you. Brutal. Times we’re licing i feel liek we’re so quick to call people racist, mysoniis homophobic. We throw these out willy nilly. I was at a party once, that last name and that’s koran some guy goes it ‘’’s chinese you racists. I just got it wrong i don’t hate them. We don’t do that with other stuff. What are those tuples? They’re lit lait you botanist son of a bithc, my eye on you. I love flower esi have some. You can just say a race and people get upset, iw as one a show once, going yeah a friend of mien a black guy some guy yelled out hey, why doe she have to be black, well mostly his fucking parenst, pretty sure it’s’ heritary. I don’t get why we’re so sensitive about certain groups and cultures. You can’t make generalizations. Different quality, different artists, that was the fun part, I made a hacky group about Mexicans and landscaping and this guy in the back went not all of not all of them, your gentalizing man, alright fair enough, but why don’t they ever do that with a positive generalization. “Hey mexicans are very resilient people, hey not all of them. You’re generating buddies. You do it with dogs, hey chihuahua than golden retrievers yeh that’s true, but if your life tialitan punches more women than asians everyone is like, uhhh. Why are you mad at me? Seems like the only group you can make fun of now openly in public is children. You can say whatever you want about kids, don’t bring  your kids around, i’ve killed a few. Say whatever you want about kids, imagine a show called jews are the darndest high, would never fly. How ya doing slow mo, we are chosen. Great show. Yeah, I guess you’re allowed to make fun of kids because we all were kids for a while. It can’t be like, hey screw you you can’t make fun of mexsican i was one for 18 years. Alright. Get out of my hair, and I believe in equality. I just make jokes, what happened to jokes. I believe women should be paid as much as men. I walked in to the office one day and this woman was crying her eyes out, she sai di saw the paychecks. I want to be treated like a man,well you want to be paid like aman, we don’t treat each other well. If you were treated like a man, someone would walk in and be like what are you doing bitch. Rachel is pussy rachel is puccy. Treated like a man, that would mayhem, shelly how are you, vagina flick. What are you nuts, we’d have to get rid of sexual harassment laws for tittie twists, handgreidate swipes coming at ya. Ladies, you want to move Ferdinand and kill a spider. Why would i don’t either. We’re very hung up on treating all the groups the same. But the difference is the fun part, we do that with black people don’t white people all the time. You hear that, we should treat black people and white people the same, we should have the same rights but we shouldn’t be treated the same. We got different shit going on, you see a black guy with a gold ring, purple suit, hey, cool. You see a white guy his jewerly matches his shoes, hey he’s gay. Differences. If I’m driving around with my white friend we get pulled over. Hey, where’s the insurance? If I’m driving with my black friend, why i’ll do all the talking? Thank you. Ture. if i see a white guy see a black guy the n word, well gonna get ugly, if i see a black guy calls me the n word i’m over the moon. What a great feeling c’mon. 

Everyone’s Offended! 

We’re in a time now that you just mention a race and people get angry. Well why did your brain go to a bad place. It’s never a good place. Like i was at a show once, i was telling joke pence, yeah jew a black guy and mescian walk in a bar and this guy goes hey hey hey i was like screw you, look at that diversity, these guys are hanging out it’s a hell of abr, hell of thing, enver the good, always so offended. That’s the adult way of i’m telling. Got to be pc now, i’m all about progress but why does adding subs to a word make it smarter. It used to be stupid now i’t slearnign disliatlity, it used to be retarted now it’s mentally disabled. Can’t keep up with the pc. It’s’ all just a gesture noone of it means anything. Some pc i like, like native american. They’re not from India, why are we calling them that? Native american. Great i’ll say that. Safircna american i don’t have african american friends i have black friends. I don’t have cacusion friend i have relatives. None of it adds up, where is all the black canadians. We don’t know what we’re saying anymore. Idris elba amazing african american actor, well he’s british, what the hell are we doing. It’s’ just whtie people you’re nervous we’re scared. We don’t want to get fired or offend, you could corner a white guy on the sidewalk now with a microphone and a video camera, what color is ray charles, uhh he’s blind. What’s his ethnicla piano player, what color is his ski, i got kids man. Coming to my home now. Oh my god, it’s bananas it out of control why are we so obsessed with skin color. Why si ksin the one part of the body we can’t judge teeth gross. Red head, gross. Everything is judged by color he’s a blackbelt, red state he’s got pink eyes. All color. Why is skin so important? I think it’s because you can’t change your skin color, you can change your hair color with a trip to CVS, your girlfriend comes home blonde, you’re cool, your girlfriend comes home black your life, what the hell happened. You can even change genders now, get surgery, take pills, caitlyn jenner cool. What was that girl who changed races, Rachel dolenzo? Where like yeah nice try bitch. We all want to be black get in line whitei, can’t just go black in your 30s to converient. I can’t just step over and be like get that bigger dick. Take the good with the bad you know. I don’t know. I just don’t how you hate a whole group. I hate specifics about people. Like people who drink rockstar or believe in ghosts, people who say it is what it is, but racism is alive and well now, just then in knoxville tennessee you guys ever been there, what a shit hole. They are 30 years behind over there, you ever go to a town so small that they’re still racist towards certain white people. Like hey don’t go over there that’s where the dirty irish live. I was like jesus christ you haven’t made it to black people yet, my god you’re far behind i’m in new york we’re past arbas, lets go. Yeah i’m from the south so i’ve seen it all, the south has a weird reputation we’re known for being racist and hospitality. Weird combo, like every white sitting around like ah crap we got a couple of black guys in the neighborhood. I got to get a pound cake. Yeah very risky to make jokes now, being racist now is very risky. You lose your job and get ostraisexz. Being racist is very risky now, you could lose your cjob. Make healdings, that’s why if someone is racist around you know you know they trust you. It’s this weird bittersweet moment like, you’re on a smoke break with someone, like I can’t stand Mexicans like holy hell that’s wild, but we’re close. I feel like racism and smoking are a lot alike. Like in the fifty everyone did now i know is’ bad but some people just can’t quit. We should treat racist like we treat smokers, you’re at your job someone is trying to tell a racist joke hey you should take that outside. Just a bunch of guys like goddamn jews. I don’t take those racist breask i get cranky, you go to a restaurant, hey do you want the racist section or the non racist, well we’ve had a few drinks better go racist. Alright well your funeral, the kitchen is heavily hispanic. Saw a thing on the news about neo naxi, neeo nazi wahat crazy concep, do you really need the ndeo. You get neo in there. I think you’re cool. Also what are you going to your 22 i know your not a n og nazi. Also you’re a hate group. You need a new hip name. Other hate groups don’t do that. Hey we’re not the kkk anymore, we’re k^3. New sheets, high thread count. That’s where we are at now, everything is tense, white privilege that’s’ a term you hear now. I was at a grocery store with a friend of mine,a black guy stole a candy bar, and got a real rush from it. Yeah. i love stealing, what do yu call it when you love to steal, clepto, yes, what’s teh one where you have sex with dead bodies, necro i’m that to. So yeah I steal the candy paari outside, my friend goes white privilege, nah, this was a robbery. If I had gotten caught and gotten away with it, that would have been white privilege. This is me being an amazing thief. And he was like  nah nah white privilege, he didn’t follow you around the sote he followed me around the store, well that’s why i brought you. This wasn’t diversity, it was a diversion, but you know we have to keep with the lingo. Pc. pc feels very phony to me. It’s’ bullshit, you can tell it’s’ bullshit, because you don’t use them in an emergency. People are hurt. You don’t have time to be progressive. Gotta save some lives, liek if you see a chinese person run over a black guy in a car accident, your not going to be like asian american got an in accident not because they’re bad driver, and he ran over an african american man who was crossing the street slowly not because they do that, you got to do come quick the guys drowning n a pool of his own blood not because they can’t swim. Now the guy is dead you’ve killed him thanks so much!

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