Aparna Nancherla – Just Putting it Out there

Aparna Nancherla – Just Putting it Out there

Intro/Expectations

Are you ready? Are you ready for the reason we are here? Yes. y’all give it up for, get pumped for, the one the only, the Aparna Nancherla! Aww thanks! Thanks guys. Ahhh, thank you. Ahh thank you guys so much, thanks for being here. Welcome to my album recording. People have different expectations when you record, I don’t know what my mom was like. Is it mostly going to be like music? Oh no, expectations vary. And then my mother also followed up with a text today that said You’re in my thoughts and prayers, and I don’t know if she knows what an album is. That’s a very grim type of music. I don’t know. Thank you guys for being here, what a treat. 

First Things First

I uuh, I feel like we should get right into things, we don’t have a lot of time left. Yeah. Here on earth, things are ending, it’s good to get to the point. I was thinking about this the other day, don’t you guys hate when, uhh that’s all I have for that one. Feel like I’m hitting on some truths. Cracking things open. This is something I hate, I hate when you go in for the handshake, but the other person goes in for the fist bump, and then you realize you’re in front of a mirror and you don’t know who you are anymore. I hate that. 

How Did we get here?

I’ve been traveling more for comedy, I took the subway here, I feel like that counts. I changed lines, I really grew as a person. I feel like I am actually impressed. Anytime I get from point a to point b, is anyone else lost in every sense of the word, thank you for joining us, my sense of direction is so bad, that sometimes google maps gives up in the middle of the route. I don’t get paid enough. I made two u turns and you’re walking, you’re not making good choices. What is your plan here? I am so navigationally challenged, that I think if a private investigator was hired to follow  me, eventually they’d just be like do you need a ride?” Cause we both know you’re not going to make it to the drop off. And you’re probably just going to cut your losses and go to Panera, like you always do. In that scenario I’m a small arms dealer. With a weakness for scones. Happy endings. 

Thoughts on Sustenance

I do, I have a lot of thoughts on food, like for instance, don’t you think any pizza can be a personal one if you cry while you eat it? Uhh, sorry to go political right away, but that is how I feel about my friends. I’ve been calling pizza yoga for months now. Scared circle. I actually ate dinner a couple nights ago, I ordered dessert, cause I’m worth it. I noticed there was fresh fruit as an option on the desert menu. Whenever there is fresh fruit on the desert menu it feels like it’s a multiple choice question where one option you can throw out right away. Like well I know which, uhh, I studied. I’m studying for this test my whole life. Like it’s the who wants to be a millionaire question, who launched a world war, a Kim Jung Il, Adolf Hilter, C Cole pot d fruit. It’s not fruit. It’s not going to be the fruit. Keep wishing fruit. Hang in there. It’s a fruit joke, hang in there. I like to write for everyone. Somewhere a baby just smiled and didn’t know why. Powerful. Once I went to a café and I ordered a sandwich and coffee. I don’t know if anyone knows what that is like. I went to a cashier, and just like 911, what? Excuse me. Good morning to you too, and then you’re just like, that’s your totally, that should be about to be a totally anymore. First of all it’s too much. I don’t have that kind of money. But I feel like instead of a total, there was just a button that is like bump everyone out immediately. Reference a national tragedy form which we never fully heal. Do it Roger you’re working a double just all in one button. Roger is like yeah I found my button, Roger wins today. I feel like whenever it totally is going to be 911, there should be an automatic override, where it just changes or something like 420, yeah everyone is having a good time, here is another sandwich for later, never forget mustard! Take The edge off. 

Traveling Bard

No, I’ve been traveling more for comedy. I’ve gotten to go to some places that I’ve never been before. Last year I went to Dubai, anyone there right now? If you haven’t been there, to me Dubai happens when a shopping mall and space station love each other very very much. That’s how you make Dubai if you want your own. I was just passing through, I was goin to Australia to go to a comedy show, and the further I’ve ever traveled for anything. I took the plane and halfway through I just put my hand up on the window and thought about the life that I left behind. Like I just went into PBS documentary immigrant mode. Just like papa! No papa. Grab this sowmya’ baby, and just like fever will pass! Really committed. Just kind of her fault for having her baby out, pretty sure you’re supposed to store them in the overhead bin, for international flights, it’s’ the polite thing to do. When I was going to Australia I was going through customs, and you had to fill out a little card to say why you were going, and I put a comedian like a dummy! Because when I was going in ,the customers officially looked at it, then looked at me, just like you’re a comedian, great, my first heckle, I’m not even in the country. This is going so well! And then I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know what day it was at that point, so I was just like yeah I guess I am, we were both disappointed, that is my handwriting. Facts are facts well, have you heard of Carl Barron, I was like not, oh well you should check him  out. I googled him, Carl Barron is a popular Australian comedian.. That’s always a good sign, when you tell someone what you do and they’re like here’s a  better version of you probably. Like if I put down a doctor, would he be like, hey have you heard of Dr. Phil, you should check him out, probably saved more people than you with his timeless wisdom and no-nonsense jabs. In that guys defense I don’t look like a lot of things. Like even if I had put down that I was a plumber he would have been like, yeah right, have you heard of the Mario brothers. I’m like they’re not even real, yeah but they do a hell of a job, that’s true, one point Australia. I should have just written to the customer’s office. Have you heard of me, yeah not a fan. In Australia I stayed in a hotel by myself, but they gave me a room with two beds. And the whole time I was there, I wanted to be a gentleman home just so when we got back to my room I could be like, and this is your bed. Thank you so much for joining me, on this spirit quest. Help yourself to a coffee filter and the bible, and I’ll see you in the morning, please don’t talk about it upsets me. Just take back the night. The night is for sleeping. 

I Bring up the Weather

Uhh, I do want the listeners at home to know that it is raining today. You guys know, you suddenly abound me, what is she talking about? No it’s raining, it rains sometimes, we can all get on board with that, I love raining weather when it’s gray and cold and windy, for me it reminds me why I got in the whole depression game. It keeps me grounded. I like when it’s miserable outside, cause I feel like I can turn to any optimist on the street like hey, you’re in my world now. What. Then I offer them some Zoloft cause I’m not a monster. I do suffer from depression and a lot of times I do feel sad for no reason, but then I remember… some of the reasons. Like this actually makes a lot of sense, this adds ups. 

Clothes for Discussion

Yeah winter is my favorite season of the year. I feel like it as it gets warmer it gets more intimate to be outside. Yeah as soon as it gets nice out everyone starts walking around with this air of hyper positivity there I just this vibe everywhere, that’s just like I could start a podcast about anything. No calm down. You can just tell the night before the first good day of the year everyone is just standing on this none nice outfit they’re waiting to wear. As soon as the weather changes, world premier of rompers. I’m like, ahh. I haven’t lived in New York that long but it is the fashion capital of the county, and one thing I wasn’t ready for was all of the models walking around. Just feral models walking around. Models are tricky; they’re always stepping out of buildings when you least expect it, just ruining your day, just like ahhh, no I’m down here. I don’t have much. Models to me, feel like self estimate pickpockets. Like they’re fine at a distance, but when you directly walk by one and you’re just like, noooooo. I have nothing. Even my personality is the wrong shape. Not fair. I can’t blame models though I just don’t have a lot of codiance in the way I dress, like I pulled it together for tonight, but usually when I walk around I could best be described by “before picture” I’m just a lot of untapped potential waiting to be realized I look like I’m auditioning for a makeover show at all times. Okay you got this one shot one opportunity moms’ spaghetti. Uhh those are the only words I know, bu tum, they capture the geist of the song. That’s why it’s about family home cooking, tradition values. I’m on board. I don’t know I been working on cofdienca ethough, sometimes I will read women’s’ magazine just to remember what the struggle is about just to keep the resist argon> I read an interesting one recently it was like to look more codiant, when your walking around, look like you have a sexy secret. What. Apparently women’s magazines are just written by spam bots that want more from life. Think that marks make sense, walk around like you have a sexy severance, but urge everyone to try it regardless of gender. You learn a lot, like when tyra was ugly for a day you learn a lot. Some things you didn’t even realize, but do I want kids? But I’ve been trying it, and I just don’t pull it off, it just gets weird at the end. Okay secret, okay secret, secret. Hmmm. My underwear got a hole in it. But not in a good place. You know, always goes rouge at the end. Sometimes I like to forget her sexy parts. That’s advance, just do the secre4t, okay secret, secret, secret, what are your secreest, my email password, doesn’t have enough special character, I’m a risk! You know. Got work on my secrets. I will say the one fashion season that stresses me out the most this fashion season, ladies can I get silence, thank you. Thank you for jumping on board. I feel like as a female you have to make that critical decision between one piece and throw a piece. Somali goes with a three which is just a men’s business suit. That I rock down to the water cause it converse up my main problem area. Uuuugh! Which is being a woman. Maybe she’s born with it, maybe she’s trapped in the social prison of impossible beauty standards. That is the ted talk portion of the show. I like to have a take home message. 

City of Strangles

Yeah I will say one of the hardest places I’ve found to live self esteem wise is Los Angeles, just cause there are models walking around. You just see five better looking versions of you everywhere.  And it’s like, ah, if there was a movie about my life, I wouldn’t even be up for the part. There are many people in line ahead of me, but I’ll iced in Los Angeles and it was interesting. I took an acting class, not because I’m an actor, but because pretty much everyone takes an acting class whether you act or not. Cause you have to perfect that face, or when you go home, when people are like how’s la, I’m so happy, I’ve never been more fulfilled you have to workshop that face. So you take a class, and about the third week of class when we had built up a shaky level of trust together we did an exercise where we had to go around the room and we hat to name actor or actresses who they looked like to us, I know why would you do that to people, we already moved here because there IN a hotel we can never fill. But the point was to develop a type, like what the industry looks at when they see, like the steel industry. You know, very big there, very specific. You paid enough money to do this exercise, as you can guess there are a lot of very attractive people in the class. We started with this very handsome all American football type. Like you know that one line that male models have that kind of just sticks out of their underwear, like uh oh genetics worked out. Um, he was just made out of the line ,every part of him was that line, so we started with him, and immediately people were just shouting over each other, Josh Hardwick, Ryan Reynolds, everything you want is your! That’s totally fair, that’s an accurate read on him. And then we fully keep moving around the room, we got a curvy sexy redhead, Christina Hendricks Amy Adams, here just money take it, you don’t need money just go have a career. Slowly it was moving around to me, do your breathing exercise it’s going to be fine, you know from your stomach not your throat. and , it was like it’s 2013, there are laws now, there is at least goin to be a couple options. So it got to me, it was just a long silence, I was like, why is this happening. Then someone goes, that chick from the office, with a question, does she exist, did we dream of her? Bigfoot? She has a name, Mindy Kaling, she has her own show, fine we all know who you’re talking about! She has an amazing career, talented person, another long silence, and then someone goes, Aziz Ansari. Uhh, pretty sure that’s a man. Based on his general type, he has a beard, feel like that beard is there if you look for it. But again, work is work. They’re doing amazon lighting with chin wigs now, another amazing career, that’s two let’s keep it moving and then someone went science! That’s not even a person. Everyone was like, we can’t let just free associates now balloon! Go kart, hungry! They said science, and immediately everyone else in the class was like oh yeah I see it, what do you see, your bigotry. But anyway, I was trying to put a positive spin on it, that actually opened up a lot of roles for me, cause now I could play the dead body in the morgota, or the test tube next to the body, best supporting cgi, it’s mine. 

Blessed to be Stressed

I have a lot of anxiety. Uh it is, it’s a pretty solid part of my life, and any stress in the house tonight, that’s a good amount, usually people are just like I’m scared. I find it weird to not have anxiety to have it, cause if you’re not scared you’re not paying attention. You open a newspaper and you seem cool. What everything is on fire! I sometimes go, there is nothing here but fear, but have you checked out fear’s greatest hits? It has a lot of great points. If you don’t have anxiety, to me what it feels like is that there is an edgy improv ground that just needs a one word suggestion to spin countless sencito that no one is comfortable with. When will this show be over, I just came to be supportive. But I’ve had anxiety forever, I have all kinds, I have social anxiety which is ironically one of the most relatable kinds, yeah that’s weird, sometimes mine will get so bad that I can’t even talk to babies without getting self ominous, the whole I’m like what if not an interesting shape or color, make a fist try to relate. But I’ve had anxiety my whole life, and it’s got to the point where I feel better with it than without it, and luckily I live in one of the anxiety hot spots of the planet, New York city. It’s like top ten places to have a panic attack, I saw an ambulance cut off another ambulance, perfect, setting are accurate. I actually find it more stressful one in relaxing places. I went to Hawaii, Maui Hawaii, it’s beautiful, it’s a peaceful paradise or whatever, that’s my Yelp review Paradise or whatever. It was too peaceful, the whole time I just felt that I was trapped in someone’s desktop background. From an office computer it was like that person tasting the beach what the Wi-Fi password, waring four Bluetooth I couldn’t get a grip, like if your an anxious person and the only things to stress out about are like seas turtles of the size of your drink umbrella, it has nowhere to go so it just goes inward, until I reached a breaking point likday three, I have to remember what fear is and luckily I was staying in this hotel and it was close to the beach and there was this small cliff you could jump off of on the beach, not to end it all, not that dark, but you could jump off it for a thrill, day three I was like I’m going to jump off the cliff, so I climbed up there on afternoon it was like a 40 ft. drop, I was like this is a mistake, and the only other people at that point are these tan drifter dumd, I don’t know how to else to describe but they were walking armband tattoo, they were such a  natural part of the environment they looked like they were made out of sand. They were doing flips and backflips you know it was a Wednesday afternoon for the, but it was like  this American life story for me, so I got up there, and looked down this was a mistake, and one of the surfer dudes heard me, and was like “it’s okay don’t be afraid don’t think I’m just jump” suddenly he’s my Lifetouch, and when I look closer at him, and his face was visibly bleeding. Sir, your face is bleeding and he just touched and was like “oh really, must have hit the water too hard last time” okay that is a sign that your life is too relaxed. Life if you can’t tell that your face is bleeding you reached a point of aggressive chillness. Where you have become a threat to yourself and those around you. The chilliest person of all time the Dalai lama would see that and that’s weird. I don’t get it, can’t help fix your face. But at that point I jumped but just to get away from him. Your fear is scarier than whatever is down there. Take me waves. That’s the story of how my anxiety got screwed back. I uh, I am in therapy right now, surprise. I’m healing. I went not too long ago, and this had never happened to me before, and there was a real live dog sitting next to my therapist, which was a new look for her, and she saw me look at the dog and she was like, the dog is not for you. And iw asl iek what? I thought this was a safe space you know. And then she’s like oh but you can use it if you want, okay that didn’t explain anything, perhaps raised more questions> i did some further injury apparently it was a therapy dog there for an earlier client, and his ride isn’t here yet, so he was just sitting through another session. Like a bored king. I was like, okay we have a lot to talk about today starting with whatever this just was, I was also like I don’t need your sloppy healing handouts, the same time my eyes were like come here your soft, let me burr my head in your fur, then when I was leaving I was like, I should have been like, “what dog?” you don’t see the dog, here’s a prescription for all the pills. I don’t see a dog, I see my mom. She looks ready to forgive me. 

New Yawk City?!

I live in New York, I’ve lived here for two and half years. It’s a great city if you’re into the struggle. Doing amazing things with trash really reinvent the form, I as tryingot explain to a friend what it’s’ like to live here, to me it’s like everyone in the city is an involuntary participant in a reality tv show called so you think you can exist, and then everyday you stick your head out of a little box your assign and the city hurls experiences at you, and the city is like, today the day you break? Today is the day you’re gonna move? What’s gonna tip it, is it gonna be the pigeon with the lazy eye, or the homeless man who had to explain what a mortgage is to you? What’s it gonna be? My friend is looking for an apartment here, she told me the worst real estate story I’ve heard. She told me the landlord said very casually on the tour, oh by the way you’re not allowed to poop in the toilet. And my friend  is a human. So she’s just how I am supposed to poop, she didn’t have a very smart response in science and she had a smart response dn the landlord said oh you poop in a paper towel and throw it in a dumpster. Like a well trained monster. Like her eyes should have started bleeding and she flies out the window the only logically follow up to that statement, like your in hell, honestly the worst part of the story is that it was a 3,000 dollar apartment. Not a craigslist apocalypse senior, whoever wants it comes squant there, clearly no one is allowed to squat there in any sense of the word. I just like that there’s the new state of housing here, it’s not like oh, maybe we should take a second look at plumber, oh no our buildings are poop free. Ooo you still poop. So gosh. Haven’t had your organs removed. That’s the newest thing, just going empty and technically dead. People talk about New York moments. I think there should be a separate category called New York breaking points. I had mine a few months ago, I had just seen a loose muffin that had fallen on the sidewalk, and I just kicked it really hard. I was like I didn’t know that about myself. I didn’t know I was a muffin kicker. Like the top shot of fin one direction and the body kept rolling i was like sick, children looked away! If you see something, say something, what if it’s you, what if it’s something. New York is full of experiences where it’s like I should say something, I should tell someone, I should tell one other person before I die. This is actually really cute, one time I was walking and a black guy with a mohake was coming one way and high fived a white guy with a mohawk, going the other way. Yeah. so I made a wish. Pretty sure it’s a real life version of a unicorn. Beautiful. Another time I saw this on the sidewalk at my meet and greet committee, just a fresh pile of dog poop with a used condom on top of it. I know I was there, at which point I invited a new game called too much information or not enough? There are no winners in that game you’re right, just start an Instagram account, keep it moving, one thing I do love about New York, they really, they own their trust, it doesn’t matter what the weather is, what the station is outside, this is me. Like in winter I was sitting in a café in a time square. It’s not my favorite neighborhood, I just go there sometimes to push myself, it’s the most advanced level of New York video game, most points. I was standing in this café, rain snowing outside, just sitting there facing the street perfecting my sad smile, and this guy just stands in front of me and exposes himself to me. Not uhh his true self, would have been more poetry, just opens his jacket and beam of light stot out. But no just like a dick pic in real life. He had earbuds in, and had a newspaper, and I was like oh he’s holding that hot dog really low on his body. And then I was like wait a second, that’s not a hot dog that’s the symbol of the patriarchy, femisnt detective solving a case. Feminst detective since you’ve been asking if she has a bullet to board in her home with tape, and just connecting all the clubs with like a penis in the middle. That’s our guy. He knows what he did. He’ll never forgive me, but that’s never happened to me before. I didn’t know how to react. I looked at it ,looked back down and then tweeted about it.. What would the brands say about this? I feel like I wasted the opportunity. I don’t have to tell you this but as little girls we all dream of that day when a stranger first exposes himself to you in public. It’s like the new marriage for women on the (). And like yeah he showed me something he was proud of, his source of power, I just feel like I should have taken out my resume and been like me too! We’re all doing it. We’re all putting out rvs vces out there. Just taking it one stop further. Also I’ve never been flashed before but I thought that’d be the whole thing, but this guy had so much going on. Earbuds in touching up on a podcast, reading the paper keeping himself current, but oh wait there’s more.  I just like when he got up that morning, yeah yeah I’m a pervert, but I’m getting things done. Yeah you are so, good for you slamming though your to do list, I’m impressed.

Work: Home Edition

I work from home right now and I feel like if I see productivity in any form I must give it my respect, like it’s so hard to be self disciplined when you work from home. I feel iek the closest thing I have to a boss right now is Netflix, when it’s like are you still watching? Of course I’m still watching. I’m never not watching. Stop recommending me. I’m your employee. I take all your suggestions. Sometimes when you’re your own boss you have entire weeks where your like was a I person, did I count? I have no idea if I will land on the map of existence. Did you do anything that would be considered an action? And then I could only come up with two things  for the entire day, one I fell in the shower which is not an accomplishment but it’s a new experience so there is growth there. And two I shazeem the music in a pet food commercial. I got a result so I feel like it counts, but that was all I did the entire day, I feel like if I died that day, someone would be like well what did she do before she left…well it was kind of like she was already gone. She was ready, she was ready for it. I have goals, I just like to waste my time getting to time. Any professionprocrastor in the audience. Don’t even make noise, think about it then don’t do it, forever that’s what I do. I go through different cycles of what I like to do to waste time. Lately I’ve been into this one nap sandwich. You know that won, it’s like where you take an ap, and then you have a sandwich and then you take another nap. That’s a good one. Rarely disappoints. I love napping, and I love sleeping perido. My one problem with naps is the waking up part, cause it’s always disorienting. Waking up from a nap is always this, bushgig. It’s like a murder mystery where you play all the characters, you have to piece things back together based on who’s around you. Who was i? Pizza crust. Pizza crust. It’s all crust damnit. Seems pretty cool. The only feeling I would compare waking up for a nap to, is when you stop to check your reflection in a car on the street and then you realize there is someone in the car, like nooo why is this happening. This is a family thing. What is hair, none of the questions make sense. How do you even get out at that point, like i was never there, this was all a dream. No you’re weird, you’re sitting in your car parked on the street, I was just making a face. I’m a grown up. I also, I’ve been getting into the internet, I don’t know if you have been, I got my AOL cd, my latest accheiss heel on the intern Id list article listiciale, if you haven’t heard of them it’s like BuzzFeed, huff post, third site, they’re always putting out more and more. Of these listicles, the whole point is clickbait, the whole point is to get you to click, the whole point is they want you to click at first it was normal, things like 12 actress images before they were famous. Oh well I’m not famous so let’s relate. Be like 37 puppies so cute you’re mad, and it’s like I’m already mad bring it on, I feel like they ran out of all the normal ones and they slowly get weirder, because they have out 70,000 a day, so you get things like 51 burritos without makeup. Well I guess there has to be some airbrushing involved. 200 ways to prove your real self. Ami real? I only checked 1`00 of those. I can’t wait until they run out of weird ones and they come back to mundane ones, like the ten commands. I guess I need a refresher. Just like two birds. Ahh I’m mad again. I always have to look. You guys think that if two djs got in a fight, they’d just keep yelling oh the tables have turned at each other. It’s a wordplay joke, always divides the room, usually divides it right here.  

Work: Office Edition

Ahh so people get into comedy for a lot of different reasons, usually to escape their past. I got into comedy for a little different reason, to pursue my real dream which is to do temporary administrative support in an office. Thank you thank you for believing in me. I have been blessed to do work in many offices. I realize my main regret is that I’ve never done this. I realized that I’ve never done this, in a tense office meeting, stood and gone. I think the bigger issue here is that I can’t read. And then just walked out. Just like, who was that? Does she even work here? We shouldn’t give her a hard time she can’t read. Offices are such awkward places, I don’t even think that’s the most awkward thing that happens in them. I mean we’re all temps in the general sense, so that’s fun. Temp jobs are weird one time I typed at a place for a year and when I left they had me train my permeate replacement. Which I found silly because why would you have your least invested employee educated your hopes and dreams for the future, like as a temp your best work attitude, is fine I’ll do it. That’s you on a great day, so it’s unavoidable when my boss was like show Megan the new girl how to sue the fax machine, so I’d just do something like this, uhh what I usually do it I throw toner in my eyes, and I make it look like an accident. And then I just keep pressing 9until someone tells me to go home. Really easy, you’ll get the hang of it.. Then there’s lunch. Gonna need tougher question smegma, is that your real name? Anyway if you need anything else, I’ll do what I do everyday which is put white out all over my face. Crasha board meeting full of suits, and go race let’s talk about it. Came here to make a difference. Offices are so odd, I feel like every office I start I’m like I’m a pretty nice person, and I leave and I’m like no I’m pretty sure I’m a murderer, I just haven’t found the opportunity yet. I just feel like humans aren’t supposed to work in such confined spaces together. Office always sneezes one time, god bless you, goodntight whatever people believe in, but whenever people sneeze three or more times it’s like getting your life together Susan. You’re ruining this for everyone. One time I worked at an office this happened in an elevator, I walked in then a woman than a man, all innocent so far that’s important. The buttons panel here I pressed four, the woman presses 3, the man presses 6, I was raised well so I pressed 6, and he goes “oh thank you” and the woman goes “oh your welcome” what. That is an example of taking credit for someone else’s work on the smallest scale possible. She was using manners in a rude way! Not to be a stickler. What other circumstances that she has to bogart someone else’s thank you in an elevator. She walks into the elevator like I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to win, and let me just tell you there are a lot of time and space constraints to seeking revenge in an elevator. I had to use primal instincts. You can’t judge me for what I did, I just looked her dead in the eyes and farted really loudly. I was like, no your welcome. Very classy, classy person. 

Almost Dating

On that note I am recently single. No it’s great. I ‘m very busy leaning in. takes up a lot of time, it’s hard to meet people when you’re that close to the ground. I actually got out of a relationship three years ago, it looks like we’re keeping it. Apart is like our thing. There is actually an empowering period after your single, like after you crawl out of your laundry pile. Uhh, when you’re just like marching down the street, humming single ladies, yeah we’re all doing it. We’re all owning it, looking good, but you’re pointing at loose piles of garbage. I get a haircut, sharp. And I would keep getting trapped behind couples on the sidewalk you know when you try to get behind them but you can’t because their love is so strong, just caught walking in the credits of their movie.<. I wish I Could follow them home and become their child. They’re like you should try to meet someone, but as you can tell I don’t have a lot of games. I walk into a bar, the main vibe I’m putting out there is are you my mother? That’s my gift to the universe that’s my truth, so I was like ahh I’ll try the online thing, that doesn’t work, so I did, I joined a website okay cuphead, I wasn’t brave enough for tinder, tiger is scary like they’re right behind you. Don’t swipe me. Okcuphead is going well. I just wanted to share some of the messages I’ve gotten on the site, I feel like it would be cruel to withhold this information. And if you’re in a relationship right now, you can get our cause the market is hot, everyone is on there I’ll just share a few. “Hi, we should meet up, we are both Indian, and live in nyc, that is a good reason to meet up,” whoa. Slow down with the charm buddy. You’re like the poet of census information. Getting me all cold and bothered. Bothered. Here’s’ another “very funny lady we should create a show together’ okay slow down LinkedIn, this isn’t a networking site, I guess he has goals that are good, also he writes “i like your orgasimic eyes’ what. Bit of a jump. I thought we were in a business meeting. Also organism eyes, is that a compliment, but can we keep that word away from my face? What about my knees or near my feet or a trash can in a third location, and then he ends strong “do you like slurpees” asides from the probably racism, yeah, there is always a satellite delay, oh we just thought it was random but he’s also a monster. Do you guys know what negging is? Good right enthusiasm level. If you don’t know what it is then it’s’ when you insult someone usually a woman in order to get with them `Oh you have a weird mouth” oh I do have a weird mouth.. But now I kind of like you. That’s how a neg is supposed to work. It’s supposed to be like you made me feel terrible now hold me, I just want to assure that it’s a real thing, you too could be a winner here are a few thing “hey you look bat shit crazy with those wild staring eyes” I thought they were organism, how quickly things change, I have a pretty normal profile picture but i like that this guy is like nope that’s a national geographic cover. Pretty sure this was on spinster unleashed. Must read. This one is kind of weird, “have you ever fantasized about a younger guy” what, am I like 85 now? Your photo better be an ultrasound image. Not going to accept the implications of what you’re saying. You might be out of reach but not for the imagination, oh so you’re in jail, probably not going to  work out. This one needs no intro, “HI I like () women you look nice” ohh finally someone who sees me for me. And then this is the best message I got, I hate to draw but there is a visual element to it “Hi there, a frowning face, short to the point, knows what he wants, knows what he doesn’t want. He clarifies just seconds later, I mean a smiley face. Whoa, nice save bro. For a second I thought you hated me, so glad we cleared that up. I thought about that for a few seconds or days if you want. Hi there how’s it sogin this is literally the worst thing I’ve ever done. In my entire life, uh to just put a forced crop candidate photo of myself, probably taken 5 to 7 years ago, put up some bands I like to seem relatable but mysterious. All so that immediately or after like 2.3 dates, or like if we’re’ lucky 17 years down the line, when we face the fact that we’re all inequality alone. I mean yeah!!! .let’s go on a topos groudon. Guys that’s the show! Thank you so much, you guys are so great, thank you. Thank you so much! So great, thank you thank you. 

Welp

Well hello. Hello hello. Last track, no pressure. Some pressure. What a pressure. Here we are at the end of the album, or is it? No, I wouldn’t do that, I wouldn’t mind whorp you like that. Status check, how do we all feel, we feel hurt? A little stretches around the edges, a little fuzzy in the middle, but overall fine. We roll down on the other side of the community car wash and the wheels are still turning. Isn’t that about all you can hope for. I mean, I hope nobody came here for an answer . That’s for sure, I don’t have any answers. Mostly questions. Like, what now? Are you still you? Am I still me? Is this all a long con? I mean, I’ve never been good at endings, so I had to have a little history thing here, where I can dilly dally and size things up a bit. I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We did it. Sometimes, that’s the plan. They make you go, uhh, wow. Okay. the end. Suspense…com. Off we go. 

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