Todd Barry – Medium Energy
Ladies and gentlemen, New York City. Please welcome Todd Barry.
Oh wow, thank you. Thank you for that big live album style applause. We’re already off to a great great start. Holy shit this place Is packed out. Let me tell you what I’m going to be doing tonight, I’m going to be doing a mixture of really old shit that I’m tired of. Spiced up with some things that are too new to be performed but I’ll do them anyway. I guess what I’m saying Is that what I’m about to do Is a really shitty show for you guys. And thanks for coming out. Time to do some masturbation jokes.
I saw a guy masturbating at an automatic teller machine. Yeah. I was totally silent and grossed out at first. And then I realized, hey there have been times when I’ve checked my balance and I find wow, I got a little more money than I thought, and you want to celebrate, but you just got to count to ten. Take a few deep breaths and move the celebration to another location. You gotta resist the temptation of those slutty bank machines.
Some guys go crazy with the masturbation. I was reading this thing on Autoertic affixation. Some guys actually choke themselves with a belt while doing It. I read 800 men a year die from doing this. I was like, 800 a year, no way. Then I remembered how many times I nearly killed myself from just conventional masturbation. Just regular old meat and potatoes, mom and pop, missionary position masturbation. Has almost sent me to that little old lonely Ramada Inn room In the sky. Now I travel, and I’ve masturbated in every hotel chain, and I’m here to tell you, Ramada Inns are the best hotels to masturbate in, and no I’m not being paid to say that.
Moves In Neighborhood
They’re always making movies In my neighborhood. And the filmmakers have very cute throats. They put a sign In my neighborhood, “We’re making a movie In your neighborhood, could you cooperate and cancel all your deliveries’ ‘ Okay. Hello drug store. Could you hold off on delivering my perspective. Yeah I don’t want my heart medication Interfering with the big Keith O’sutherland coming back. Nah It’s going to happen. It’s– don’t fucking delvier that shit.
I grew up In Florida. Friend of mine took his first trip down to Florida, went to Disney World. He came back complaining that It was tourists. I was like, oh man don’t tell me that. The tourist found out about Disney World? Dman. That used to be my secret. Me and the guy after school used to rush over to the magic world, pay the 95 dollar admission fee. I try to avoid the tourists here, that’s why I go to a place called Planet Hollywood. Check It out If you want to hang with the townies and the locals.
I hated Florida, the only good thing about Florida, great air conditioning everywhere. I meet people every summer In New York who tell me they don’t like air condition they’re like “I don’t like air conditioning, It’s not natural,” and I guess I see their point. I mean what Is air conditioning, just a definite solution to a problem. It’s hot In here. Click, now It’s cool In here. Oooh you’re right this does suck. You know It reminds me of that time I was hungry and I ate that food. That shitty statifiesed feeling. Who needs that, It taints naturally. It tatint. Hear my sophisticated voice.
I even go to bookstore people. I like the Barnes and noble, the borders. They have the lowest pressure sales staff In the world. You can go In there, pull ten books off the shelf, “Hey where do I pay for these?” “Pay for them, you can read them here? What do you think the eight hundred couches are for? What are you studying for a test, here’s a highlighter. Mark It up all you want. I don’t give a shit. Hey I noticed you have a cookbook, anything you want to make” “Well there’s a chili recipe “”Rip It out. You’re Not goin to buy that huge overpriced cookbook for one recipe. That’s ridiculous. If I see you walking toward that cashier with that book, I will tackle you. I will rip that recipe out myself, I will drive you home and cook that recipe for you myself. So start a-ripping. My favorite shelf at the big bookstore, the staff recommendation shelf. Oh golly I need help picking a book out. How about seven habits of highly effective people, as recommended by Jimmie the stock clerk. What does It say on this little card, “I read this book and It turned my whole life around” Wow Jimmie what were you doing before you read that book? You only have the shittiest job In this place.
KMart In New York
We have a Kmart now In New York City. New Yorkers were pissed off when K mart came to town. They were outside the store protesting. They didn’t even know what to say. They were like “ down with K-Mart and their merchandise that people can afford, down with K Mart and their 300 gallon drum of Laundry Detergent. Wow. I mean why don’t you go take your good values to another town. Let’s turn that building Into a vintage clothing store, the kind that sells used K-Mart shirts for 700 dollars”
I discovered the best store, this past holiday season. The Body shop? They should call this place “the last minute thoughtless gift warehouse” You could be asleep and shop there. Aaaah. Oh, grapefruit bath gel. My sister eats grapefruit, she bathes, boom! Hey nice bottle, no need to buy wrapping paper, totally shopping time, nine seconds.
Food or Music?
Food or Music? What do you think, lady? Music. We’re going to do some music jokes, by request. Before we get to those, we’re going to do the jokes I planned to do before the music jokes.
Buy Parents House
I just bought my parents a house. Yeah. Yeah. That’s what all entertainers do when they get rich. They buy their parents a house. But I am not rich, so I bought my parents a house that Is worse than the one they already live In. They called me up all confused. Todd? Yes. Why do we have to move? Cause I bought you a house. Todd with all due respect, you bought us a shitty house. It’s not shitty. I’ll tell you what Is shitty, making those ten dollar a month mortgage payments. Now go Inside and say hello to your new crackhead roommates. I bought my parents a crack house. I just over explained that one.
Sperm Bank Babies
But I was watching this A&E Investigative report, they had an episode about Sperm Bank Babies who were trying to find their biological fathers. ANd now the sperm banks are actually hooking these people up with an audiocastle message from their father. I wonder what the typical message is: “Hi Tommy, this Is your dad, stop looking for me. I never wanted afamily, I wanted 50 bucks. I’d love to keep on the chit chat, but I have about another thousand cassettes to make”
I like that Real world show. I just can’t believe they still find people who are willing to go on that show. I was talking to a guy once, he said that he went on that show because he could put It on his resume. Could you Imagine putting that on your resume, that’d backfire In your face. Ten years down the line, you’re at a job Interview, “Hey you were on the real, I used to watch that show, hey wait a second. You look a little familiar, you’re the guy who ate all of Becky’s pretzel. What the fuck Is your problem? You’re not really a team player are you? I am sorry, but we need team players here at walmart. My assistant, Puck will show you to the door”
MTV has that new show Diary. The day In the life of a musician. They had Snoop Dogg on, he gets on at the beginning he’s like “Hey this Is Snoop Dogg this Is the day In my life, you think you know but you have no Idea’ It’s like alright, Snoop’s gonna have some surprises. Net shot Is him on his tour bus, playing video games and smoking pot. Whoa, Snoop you’re a man of your word. I expected to find you sitting there with a tattered copy of Romeo and Juliet, NPR In the background, look at you smoking pot. I thought I knew you but I In fact had no Idea. Snoop.
Behind the Music
I like that Behind the Music show. Very Informative show. I was watching It the other day, I was like Oh my god, I didn’t know Billie Idol liked living life to the fullest. I watched the Bon Jovi episode behind the music, they kept using this phrase, “and then he went back to his roots, the next year he went back to his roots” I watched the whole show, I didn’t see one portion where he strayed from his roots. It’s’ not like “in 1987, Bon Jovi entered a new Jersey recording studio with just four sets of bagpipes and a wood block”
I don’t like those grammy awards though. Always the famous shitty bands. You never see some poor struggling unknown garage band win. That would be nice. “And the album of the year goes to…. The Angry Ponchos? They couldn’t be here because their van broke down. They’re manager was going to accept the award for them, but he couldn’t get the night off from the video store”
Band with Orchestra
The only reason to watch the Grammy awards, sometimes a band will do something fancy. I was watching one year, Guns and Roses was playing with a full orchestra. And Guns and Roses wasn’t using full sheet music but the orchestra was. Slash can remember the tune. But the first chair violin player for the London Phil Harmonic, he’s having a little trouble. Whoa, A, whew tough, over to G, back to A curve ball. My 60 years of training did not prepare me for that.
The big thing In music now, In record stores are these boxed sets. All the albums by one artist In a box. Someone there going “Oh, I’ve never owned anything by the Oak Ridge boys. I think It’s time I owned everything by the Oak Ridge boys. Let me see that, whoa! That Is heavy. 27 compact discs, hey It’s only five thousand dollars. Includes a hip-hop remix of El Vira! Giddy! Giddy on up. Giddy the mother fuck uppa
Bands are getting greedy these days. I went to buy a ticket for some bands at Madison Square Garden. Guy said we only have a few tickets left, they’re 75 dollars and the seats are behind the stage. I said behind the stage, I said you know what I’m going to stay home. The guy said, stay home 40 bucks. 40 dollars to not see the big Micheal Bolton Huey and the blowfish, Celion Dion triple bill. With a special guest third eye blind, hey wait Todd that’s not a triple bill anymore, I just counted to four, shit ya got me. Ya busted me.
Oh I saw this documentary on this band Fugazi. They’re what’s called a punk rock band. They have a lot of Integrity, they won’t charge more than 5 dollars for their concerts. You know there has to be at least one guy In the band who Isn’t happy about this. The drummer Is gonna snap at some point, “Hey fellas can we stop a second, I had the craziest Idea, what If we charge 6 dollas. I was thinking that extra dollar times 800 people a night times five shows a week, equal I don’t have a roommate when I’m 47” that’s what I was thinking.
There hasn’t been a fucking bogus reunion lately has there? The eagles are the one I remember . Every Time the band reunites they Interview me. “Oh yeah we had some problems you know, but one of us decided to pick up the phone and decided to knock some shit around. Just casually knock some tunes around” Oh yeah where are you going to be knocking some tunes around neck “August 14 at a giant stadium 600 dollars a tickets” Oh So it’s a caucus little hoonity thing. “Just going to knock some stuff around, then leave In 9 separate limousines”
I got a message on my answer recently. It said hey Todd Barry this Is Elise from cosmopolitan magazine, call me back. I’m like, alright there Is going to be an article about me In cosmopolitan magazine. She answered the phone, hello photo department, this Is Todd Barry. She goes “Oh perfect we saw some of your work In nylon magazine, send you a book over’ I said there must be a photographer with my name. Then I realized I missed a primo opportunity to have some fun. Okay I’ll send my book over, then I would have bought one of those shitty cardboard cameras, taken pictures of my living room, tapped them to notebook paper. Send them to Elise, and then call her every hour. Hey Elise, did you get my book. Elise why aren’t you returning my calls. Hey Elise you called me .Elise.
I got to learn how to cook, I just got a wok. That’s a great thing to have. With a wok In the privacy of your home, you can make your own mediocre Chinese food, for fiddy cents less than takeout. Oh yeah I’m glad I got this wok, cause those spots In Chinatown just don’t make hot dog fried rice the way I do. Hot diggity diggity diggity.
I have a simple taste In foods I make. Restaurants always try to fluff up their menu you know. I was at this restaurant, this guy was like yeah your food comes with house cut fries. Whoa. Hold the phone. House cut fries? Are you telling me, you guys are doing all your fry cutting In house? That Is unheard of most restaurants that ship that out to some Indiana sweatshop where young boys chop up the fries for fifty cents a day. But you have house cut fries, let me guess what’s making my drink all cold? House frozen Ice. Man, did I come to the right place .
I got to learn how to eat right man. I have been reading books on nutrition. They all say the same thing: eat fruit, eat lots of fruit, and keep on eating fruit. Close this book now and eat some fruit. Fruit, eat fruit. But what they don’t tell you about fruit, the dirty little secret about fruit, fruit sucks. Have you guys ever eaten this shit before. Oh It’s pretty, but It taste like fucking garbage. C’mon Todd what about the orange? Fuck the orange, the orange suck. Orange juice Todd? Okay you got me, I love orange juice. And I get confused too every time I drink It. I go how can something as delicious and delectable as orange juice come from something as evil as an orange? It doesn’t make any sense. Wow. I don’t think the fruit joke has ever gone over so well.
Oh my god, with fucking, what’s that. Did someone heckle me with cameras rolling. Cameras roling fucking using thee lingo. Cameras rolling.
Taking a lot of breakas. Todd this Is going to be one slop cd you’re putting out. It’s going to be edited on zip disc. That’s fucking little sketchy that It’s being recorded on zip disc. It’s a little sketchy, said he was going to come over tonight, am I getting ripped. No one when we finish editing It’s going to be slicker than a yes album. Todd, man I like you, but It was kind of over produced.
Check with meal
Hey man, I was out, eating alone, that’s how all the freaks eat, they eat alone. I was at this restaurant alone In downtown New York, this guy was sitting at the other table alone. This Is how he ordered his food, “Yeah can I get the Veggie dinner and I uh, I always get my check with the meal” Not you can bring my check with the meal, I always get my check with the meal. I guess the waitress was supposed to say “Oh my god, I’ve heard about you, you’re the guy who always gets his check with the meal. You know, It’s been a crazy day. We had two napkin tommies here earlier. See that guy over there, It’s desert before dinner Danny. What a great restaurant I work at”
People always say, Thanksgiving dinner makes me sleepy. It makes me sleepy. Thanksgiving dinner makes me sleepy. You know what makes me sleepy.? Hearing about Thanksgiving dinner. So your mom puts ginger ale on the yams? You wouldn’t happen to have a green beans story on ya?
This guy right here Is ready to hurl his backpack at me. Why are you holding that like that, afraid I might steal that? He seems to be fucking around a lot up there. I got a Weezer bootleg. Is that all true, really? God, I’m a bright , perceptive guy.
I love tattooed women. I go crazy when I see a tattoo on a woman. I don’t even care what It Is.
Oh this? It’s a soybean. Of course It Is. At first I thought It was rice crispy, but that would be ridiculous.
A big ol’ tattoo on the side of a neck. Anytime I see someone with a neck tattoo, I want to go up to him and say “Hey man, you forgot to not do that” but uh oh, you forgot. You’re trying to get a job teaching kindergarten but no one will hire you because you have a neck tattoo. That’s the way I talk to guys with neck tattoos. They get very Intimated.
In a Band?
Are you guys In a band? A lot of tattoos with no musical ability. You gotta back up those tattoos. Play something. Play like a small drum kit or something.
Prison = Hotels
I got roped Into a conversation recently, about the death penalty. This guy Is like “We gotta have the death penalty because prisons are like hotels” how are they like hotels? “They’re like hotels, because they got color tvs.” oh, like In hotels. Can’t argue with that. They have to have color tvs In prisons, do you know how hard It Is to find a black and white set these days. I don’t want my tax dollars being spent, to send to prison officials roaming from yard sale to yard sale, looking for an old magbox to tortue these guys with. And I’ve never been to prison, but I’ve stayed at a lot of hotels. And from what I understand In prison, they give you a much more severe wake up call, that was an anal rape joke. But at least I wasn’t wet. I wasn’t wet candy. Ohhh Wet candy. Wet candy. Get my seven dollars back. I don’t think that’s protected In the constitution, there gotta be limits.
Couples who Agree
I have been hanging out with couples. I’m so tired of hanging out with these people and we agree on everything. They just agree on everything! Ask me about a movie they went to, we liked It. We thought the script was good, we do think he should have used different lighting In the exterior shots, really you both came out of the theatre thinking that? Even a husband and wife lighting tema wouldn’t do that. Even a couple with a lifetime subscription to a lighting magazine would not come up with that. At the same time.
I just got one of these coffee makers with a timer on It. So you can have hot fresh coffee as soon as you wake up but thing Is, I have no Idea when I’m going to wake. I have to take a chance every time. Set this thing for, I don’t know, maybe two o’clock In the after, maybe, I had a rough night, I sleep till four In the afternoon, what do I wake up to, a hot fresh pot of nasty coffee. How am I supposed to start my day people?
I was reading an article In the New York Post the headline was “Class act” and It was about the beastie boys, and how they once had the song that said “I hate faggots” and then they apologized for It. Apologizing for It Is probably better than not apologizing but I’m not sure It makes you a class act. Hey that was really big of ya man, the way you fucking I hate faggots thing down twenty years after you said It, not a lot of people would have the balls ot do It.
Offer to Crowd
I’m going to make an offer I didn’t make last night, If anyone In this crowd runs Into me In the street, tells me they were at this taping, and If I remember, and I happen to have the cds on me, you can have one for five dollars.
Too Many Diet Pepsis
People talk too much, that’s the problem. I was standing at a urinal recently, the guy next to me has to start a mid stream conversation. He stands “hey, how Is It going? Fhew, too many diet pepsis at dinner, hey I don’t know If you heard me, Too many diet pepsis at dinner” and It was awkward because I was just about to ask him, “Hey buddy, what beverage brough tya In here today,” the traditional mens’ room Ice breaker was totally shot down. How am I supposed to make new buddies.
Coke Vs. Pepsi
I went to a movie theatre downtown, I overheard this conversation going on between two concession stand workers– It was a coke vs pepsi conversation. I had a few minutes to kill before the movie, so I said this might be worth a little listen. This woman actually said and I quote “I like coke, I hate Pepsi with a passion” and It made me very sad for her. Because her body Is telling her that she hates something, that tastes exactly like something she loves. But then I thought about It, I thought about some of my own little quirks, and I actually wrote some down, cause I realized when I was thinking about It. I like sprite, but I hate seven 7 with a fevor equal to the KKK’s hatred of blacks, gay, and jews. And I was thinking about It some more, I hate glazed donuts, but I hate honey dipped donuts with the same Intensity as the pope hates a woman’s right to choose. And I really enjoy the post rason brand, but I’d rather change Into a dress, put on a blonde wig, be thrown Into the showers at rikers Island then eat kellogg’s raisin bran. You were worried about that one, but then oh shit you ended up clapping.
Prostitution should be legalized, am I right fellas? Prostitutes adversity In the yellow pages they do, you see ads for messages services, escort services. And they have slogans like any other business, I saw one that said “we give the best service, no hidden charges,” what kind of hidden changes you gonna get from a prositution. Guy Is going ot get his bill, ah okay 200 dollars for sex, 50 dollars for RUST PROOFING, hey sunshine can you come here a sec? I hate to call you on this, especially since I’m standing here In a prom dress. And I’m the sheriff of this here town, now I will pay for the sex, I will even pay for the collision Insuranc ,ehey what’s the deal with the late fee .I’m going to have to resign to the fact that the late fee thing will never get a laugh.
I had sex reently, took out the box of condoms, she takes the box from my hands looks at It goes hey Todd, good choice. Good choice. Now I didn’t expect her to be a virgin, but this Is no time to show brand loyalty. I was waiting for her to break Into a testimony, Todd sti down and let me tell you a little bit about the condom you selected. Todd this Is a trojan lubricator with a reservoir tip. I think It’s the best condom made by Todd, and I should know. And what Is the deal with the reservoir tip, reservoir , Isn’t that a little grandiose term for a little quarter Inch plastic bubble. Oh Honey I hope It doesn’t break, I don’t want to contaminate the groundwater
But I saw a guy buying a three pack of condoms. A three pack.I need a 12 pack for one night, I do. Cause you know nine of them are going to go flying across the room. At nine separate angry girls.
Everyone Is getting laid though. I saw Larry King Interviewed on TV, he’s like 65 years old, and has eleven wives. He’s’ like “Hey would I be boasting If I said I didn’t need Viagra” I don’t know boasting. I might call It lying. And why would you even think about boasting about a medication you don’t need. “Hey Larry, what are you doing tomorrow, do you have any free time?” “Of course I do, It’s not like I’m on Chemotherapy or anything. When you are cancer free, like me, got a wide open dance kart”
Lady In Audience with Cap
Hey Lady you alright? All dress up, crazy, catty cap on. You thought you were going to get better seats weren’t you? I’m going to get a good seat cap on. She’s got her good seats cap on. Are you comfortable? That’s a huge diamond Is It real? You’re alright, okay. I forgot what question she answered. I don’t think she answered that diamond question I asked. You just fucking ruined my project here lady. Todd Barry, the diamond cd. Totally fucked up by you lady. Lady. Lady. Lady.
I got Invited to a party recently, I think It’s going to be a crazy ass party, cause the hours are listed as the Invitation as nine till question mark. WWW When Is It going to end? Mama I don’t know when to tell you to come get me. Any time you see nine till the question mark, the general answer to the question Is nine fifteen. This Is usually a shitty party. Stuff your pockets full of bean dip and hit the road. Did you guys like the way I said road? I thought that was kind of adorable. I’m just trying to be as unbiased as possible about that. Cute cute cute.
Cute cute cute. Almost as cute as this adorable Lavender shirt I’m wearing. Trust me, people listening at home, It’s adorable. I was talking to a friend of mine about my lucky adorable shirt, I was like you know, I was half joking, I was like I always get laid when I wear this. He goes why don’t you wear It every day then? To which I fired back, what women wants to fuck a guy who wears the same shirt everyday, trying to go fucking toe to teo with Ill gucking bury you, see the way I fucking buryied you man.
People say to me all the time, Todd you’re a genius, you’re adorable. I’m just telling you what people say to me, Todd, you must get laid constantly. And maybe I do, yes of course I do, but I’m not one to tell hero stories people. I have friends who tell hero stories about anything. I had a friend we were In a bar a woman walks by he goes, “Oh I know that woman, she gives the world fastest hand jobs,” I didn’t even know what to say to him, the world’s fastest handjob, oh she’s like the cheetah of the handjob kingdom. Don’t get me wrong people, I hate a slow meandering hand job as much as the next guy, It’s just like I’ve never looked down and gone, c’mon baby time Is money, so put the pedal to the medal. I got a show to catch. Man, I never would have predicted the hand job joke would have blown the roof off like It did, I almost left that one out, that’s one of those whew situations. Where you’re like, I almost got on that plane and It crashed. Whew. I think that’s a totally parallel situation, me almost leaving the hand job joke out, do you guys– clap If you enjoyed that hand job joke. I do believe we have our single.
I used to do temp work before I was a multi Millionaire stand up comic. These temp agencies take themselves so seriously they would always tell me to dress up, no matter how shitty and degrading the job was. Hey Todd we got a job for you tomorrow, Whew! How did you get so lucky? It’s working at the mailroom at a slaughterhouse. Being there five am, don’t forget to dress up, cause we got some complaints when we sent you to the nerve gas facility. Saw you In the mail room, my boss Is working my ass off, he’s yelling at me like “Todd how come you ain’t stuffing the envelopes fast enough?” I don’t know, maybe because I’m wearing a tuxedo. You let me take this cumerbun off, I’ll throw the cane down, I’ll go to town on those envelopes. I’ll even keep the top hat on, unless you’d like to wear It, It might go well with that bob seger concert t-shirt you’re wearing. Sir.
I used to go to this gym, and I stopped going not only because I hated going there, but you have to deal with the assholes that work there. Asking you to renew your membership like the first half hour you’re there. This guys Is giving me the spiel “Todd, you can use all our locations we just opened one In Tokyo,” “That will come In handy when I start playing drums for cheap trick”
I got to go on the road soon. Yeah I have to drive sometimes with a guy for like 6 hours, another comic. And I never bring music. And I always have to deal with the guy with a crazy mix tape. “Hey do you have any music?” “Oh! Top this baby In. All these bands are from south bend Indiana,” “holy shit, Is that the south bend Indiana mega mix? I heard about, last week I listened to AKron ohio a go go”
Hit on Staff
Many people ask me all the time, Todd , when you go on the road, do you hit the waitstaff?” People , I am a professional, and I have a policy. I will not hit on the wait staff until every opportunity In the audience has been exhausted, It’s called professionalism. Okay, alright.
Movies at Motel
I checked out of a hotel a few years ago. The guy accused me of watching too many movies I didn’t watch. I said I didn’t watch them, he said are you sure, I said yeah I’m sure. He said “Did anyone else have access to the room” “well, I did give a set of keys to siskel and ebert, ya think? Man I’m glad you grilled me on this”
I just worked down In Austin Texas. Someone complained to the manager that my voice was too monotone. First Of all, I didn’t even know you could complain about that. I didn’t even know that was on the list of legit things you could complain about. My meal Is cold, that’s legitimate, I ordered spirits, they gave me ginger ale, that’s legitimate, but honey this guy’s voice Is kind of monotone, go get the manager. And I just fantasize about getting this woman’s phone number and calling her up. And saying “hello. This Is Todd Barry, I understand that you had a problem with my voice being too monotone, well I have been working on It. Tell me what you think, here It goes, cunt cunt cunt cunt. Wow that’s quite a range I have”