Live at Bimbo’s – Natasha Leggero

Live at Bimbo’s – Natasha Leggero

Diamond Pussy

[This Is a song]

Costco Glamour

Thank you thank you S an Francisco. Don’t worry, It’s faux. Oh this Is a dead fox. It’s amazing the clothes you can get at the animal shelter, hold this It’s disguising. Anyone else addicted to these things, so cool and new we don’t even know the side effects yet. Literally no testing has been done. I Can make any Costco seem like Midnight In Paris. Oh Is that a stack of () kickass, I thought It was the Eiffel tower. Oh look! It’s Ernest Hemingway, that’s just a drunk native American. Costco anyone? Costco, you guys like Costco, the membership fee Is worth the high you get off the forklift exhaust. Kirkland diamonds anyone? Not afraid to get my diamonds where I get my salsa, tiffany’s Is great, but I can’t eat a churro while I eat out. They have this new thing called a pizza hotline, and It Is a rotary phone that is hanging on a column so while you are In line with your 4,000 bags of cashews you can pick this up and order a hot pizza so you can bring It home. Okay If you want to know how gross this pizza Is just look at the pigeon eating the crumbs ,they all have broken wings, milky eyes type 2 diabetes. 

Will I love all my children?

It’s great to be here In San Francisco. I’m so happy that I get to do my special. This Is my favorite city where I always try to come. I recently came here with a group of my girlfriends and were supposed to do a ladies night. We get here, and the whole dinner all the while I walk about their children and the mom is showing pictures of their babies, the one that are pregnant are showing black and white pictures of like the skeleton so disgusting, and I’m getting grossed out at the table. And all of a sudden one Is like Natasha who’s your dog, they’re pretty pretty they’re at a boarding facility right now. My pussy Is tight. In 12 years they’ll die and I will get new ones. Pussy will still be tight. I just want to know what that feeling Is that they’re talking about Natasha, you can’t get It from a chihuahua. I just want to know what that feeling Is for like ten second, just to see If It’s’ worth looking that awful. Because every new mom looks like she’s been stranded out In the rain In a n Industrial city. Not Hawaii, Detroit. They’re like castaway trying to survive the elements. I don’t know If I should have a kid, I feel like I should have to decide. You have one, don’ want to turn your pussy into Mt. St helmets. It’s’ so much work. And then you’d have to hang up their shit drawings. And It’s like I tell that’s your hand, It’s not a turkey. You can’t be like, maybe painting not your thing. Gotta get the Uber driver to take you to the zoo, just seems like It would be so much work. And I don’t know If I would love all of my kids. Cause I have three dogs and I only really love one of them. Do you have kids mama, no, I guess my fans don’t give birth. (whew) Sorry I have a boyfriend. I have someone I’m practicing emotions on. Exhausting. 

Never be pregnant

I will never be pregnant. For long. Republican, all right. Do you know there are still three stats where It Is still very difficult to get an abortion at In this country. Has anyone been to salt lake city. Okay Mormonism Is real, these people re so scary, they are pckiing everywhere Mormons are putting all for their money Into stopping abortion and they’re rich. This Is their whole goal. Tos otp abortions. I’m at the mall the Mormons are picking the mall, no aboring. And someone came up to me, and was like hey this is a Mormon owned mall, and you need to over your shoulders, oh because of that taboo of shoulder fucking. There are many Mormons watching. This Is for you. Apparently there Is a problem with Mormons gangs. I’ve never met anyone In a Mormon gang, but I’m assuming they don’t rap just you pin you down and hold your hand. Do you guys understand this relation. They have a floor of the temple dedicated to baptistming dead famous people as Mormons. So obviously I wanted to see that, so I went to the church and they wouldn’t let you In. I’m sorry you need to take worthiness test, you mean a gullibility test. Here’s what I don’t understand republican male white republican dude, I can’t kill a tadpole Inside me of me but as soon It grows up you have full range to pay It minimum wage or take away It’s’ health Insurance or blow It up If there is a war. Fuck you republicans. Maybe, we’re not In the mood to turn out vagina into lagasina. If you have sex with someone in one of these state make sure you have car good enough to cross state lines, how can men judge women men create wars. Women create men. It’s our one genetic flaw. The worst thing a women ever done Is fuck flava flav mavye supported the career of Josh Gorban. That’s It. Ugh, maybe I should just adopt a 17 year old so I only have to raise It for a year. I’d rather walk In on my boyfriend jerk off while hanging himself, then have him have one of those call of duty headsets on, that’s where you protect your country from your couch while eating a sandwich. I saw you nod your head how many hours a day? 6. How old are you, 40? When Napoleon was your rage he conquered half of Europe, just something to think about. Men don’t even want to get married anymore. Marriage seems like the best high for a dude.  Someone to have sex with you every day of your life, someone to pick up your socks, close the cabinets behind you, It would be one thing If gusy would take off their socks nd leave them by the floor but they will prick them up and leave them by the bread. Why are you socks by the bread? Oh, cause they weren’t 100 percent dirty yet. I could see a hundred years ago, being like cause you see these tv shows and It’s like 31 I have to get married. There was no point. Like a hundred years ago, sure they didn’t let women vote they wouldn’t let us read, they would tell women If they read a college eleven book It  would shrink their ovaries. Like your dad would give some guy some land and come cows and you could relax, and If you wanted a dress or something you would twist your dimples and talk like a baby. Please Mr. sweety buy me a dress, and then If he didn’t give you what you wanted, you would faith.  They had a couch just for fainting. You’d get the vapors and pass out. Now we all have to work. 

Hipsters and Burning Man

All these dudes no one want to grow up, there are these hipsters so many hipsters In la, you know these guys. 40 year old’s,  wearing a flamingo ones, carrying an old fashioned typewriter, have a monocle, looking for pussy. They’re like calculated bros, sorry If I’m calling you gout. They’ve figured out girls don’t want to fuck Paulie D they fuck David Krishi(?) they all look like Ernest Hemmingway, If Ernest Hemingway were alive he would beat the shit out of every hipster, there would just be trials of bloody hipsters outside of every artist coffee shop, you know these people I’m talking about, these guys who have to wear their coolness. No me, I excuse It. But you know these guys Mork and Mindy suspenders, a tattoo of a parallelogram, and they can’t light a pilot light, they can barely wave, hey, I’m Beowulf. Okay nobody Is named that, hey, I’m nathal. Okay, I’m sure your parents named you Nathan In college your parents named you antdog. That’s the name of a ghost, not an emaced barista with a mr. pringles mustache. Gluten sensitivity. Why do only hipsters get gluten allergies? Are they activated by American apparel purchases? I was talking to a friend who was 38, barely ready for pet ownership, and doesn’t have a job. He was like, I think I’m going to get Into pickling. You should get Into employee. These are the guys we were supposed to procreate with. This Is the guy that I’m going to trust to be a sperm donor and an Asian surgeon that’s going to carry my child. That Is a big decision in a gal’s life. I just don’t want to die alone. Just like If you have kids you won’t have to die alone, cause they’ll be these people that have to be there. That is obligatory. Then I Was thinking when my nana died she was shitting herself. And calling me the n word, I don’t want to be alone for that, that’s some good time for some serious me time. So I’m getting married. I never wanted, I never really wanted to get married. I definitely didn’t want to get married. I didn’t want to have a wedding or do views. I did want to do it. I have few concerns. Um, first one, how attached are you to this burning man tradition. Do you guys know what burning man Is like? It’s like a great place to breastfeed your pet ferret. And he really wants me to go, but It’s like If I wanted to be part of a dysfunctional group of white people In the desert I’d move to Arizona. There Is no shower, so I need two batsha  day. I know there Is drought happening, maybe that means my two baths cause someone In a barstool doesn’t get a bagel. People at burning man are like I go there to meet dudes, okay If I wanted to have sex with some creepy dude In with google I’d stay home and fuck a welder. At least then I wouldn’t have to listen to diggido solos In between organisms. Like these, I’m sorry If anyone here Is Into burning man. I’ve never been, I’ve never been, I hate It. Cause you see these people talking, I heard these guys bragging, goes to burning man every year. Here’s what I have to say they’re all obsessed with being off the grid, they don’t want to be a part of society. So I heard this guy bragging. My kid doesn’t have a birth certificate or a social security number. Well I wonder who In 50 years Is going to be doing yard work for middle class Latino families. Your kid. So my boyfriend, I have to tell you this story, my boyfriend really wanted me. Is this the burning man table right here, so my boyfriend really wanted me to come, and meet this girl. It turns out she’s this girl who’s really awesome to men but just a bitch to women. So she’s this white chick red dreadlock, we’re in Austin. First of all she has a tattoo of an angel’s wings on her breastplate, okay wrong side. Oh and her name Is flapjack. And so, flapjack Is sitting there holding court and she’s– do you know her, because everyone has to have their own name, so flapjack Is holding court and she starts bragging about dumpster diving. I’m assuming she’s talking about an art project, because everyone at Burning Man has an art project, oh I’ve bedazzled a school bus. I’m like oh, Is this for your art project, and she goes, Not for art, for food. And so, I start freaking out because I think I’ve offended her, so I’m his fiance, and I’m like Oh yeah I used to be a waitress and I would steal chicken fingers off people’s plates, so I totally get what you mean. And this girl turns to me, and goes, oh your not a square at all are you. Okay, first of all I love the Idea of a stuck up bitch who dumpster dives, secondly uh, I’m such a square with my birth certificate, car Insurance, non pierced genitals, and food I put In a refrigerator, real loser. So then I wiped my ass with a Vegas wrap and threw It the newest dumpster for flapjack to munch on. 

TLC

I’ve been on the road all I do Is sit In my hotel room watching TLC, you know a network Is good when two shows this week get canceled because of Christian child molesters. Okay toddler and tiaras, fabulous cakes, 19 kids and counting, hoarders buried alive, TLC should stand for toddler lunatics and cake. It’s the only channel that we have In this country that Is supposed to be dedicated to learning. It has shows exclusively about little people and cake. There Is this show, my strange addiction Is this girl who’s like “I can’t stop eating toilet paper,” and then this other girl Is like I can’t stop eating dryer sheets. A good place to sneak In dryer sheets Is the movie theatre. I’m like, It’s not Illegal to eat dryer sheets ma’am. You can just walk on In with those. The best one I saw though, there was this girl, and her name was charisma. And you know her parents meant to call her charmia. But they spelled It wrong. So she’s going by charisma. Probably because her name Is birth certificate typo she Is now addicted to eating her couch. So her roommates leave, she gets on the floor and unzips the custom and just starts eating the foam. And TLC. They must think we’re so stupid. Like me these are dangerous addictions that must not be attempted at home. She’s eating her couch! Chamrias has been addicted to cousin for over 3 years, over the course of her addiction she’s had a chair, a bunk bet and seti. I would rather be under a bridge Injecting heroin Into my face than addicted to my cousin. Please man, I suck your dick for futon. Aww yeah. This Is what we’re addicted to, and then right after that Is a show called freaky eaters. This girl is like I’m addicted to cheesy potatoes. Uhh, everyone Is addicted to cheesy potatoes. I could have told you you’re addicted to cheesy potatoes 240 pounds ago, this woman has eaten nothing but cheesy potatoes for two decades;. Somehow she has a husband. And her Intervention Is her husband trying to get her to eat broccoli. And then he tries to feed It to her and she’s just like uhh uhh, and collapses on the floor, and then they always bring In these fake therapists. Food trauma therapist sunrise Steven It’s’ always a fake name. So she goes and picks this girl up off the floor and takes her outside to their cul de sac, and all of a sudden this dump truck comes towards her and they dump them on her head. And the woman Is like what do you want to say to the potatoes, and she’s’ like uh uh uh put some cheese on me. 

I’m Fancy

I really want to perform for the troops. I’m just waiting for a war to break out In the four seasons In Maui or la. I will be there. Do you get It? I’m fancy. I put tassels on things. I have It on my toothbrush and have It on my vibrator. That’s just dreadlocks. Thank you. I’m from a palace called Rothford Illinois. They just erected a billboard as you enter the city, contractions the number one Mexican restaurant In the city. Taco bell. Everyone there Is on a bike, in California if your on a bike It’s because you care about the environment, If your on a bike In the Midwest It’s because you have a dui. Cases of beer on the handlebar. I was at the DMV I got a new car, I was the DMV getting It registered. They are giving out aid tests now. The only thing worse than the DMV Is finding out you have aids to the DMV. Can you Imagine your picture after you find out you have aids? Uh guess I’ll uncheck the donor box. 

Nuggets and Flaming Hot Cheetos

I have a new car and It has Sirius radio so I’ve just been obsessed with ‘what are you the people 

Listening to ” I just keep flipping channels, country music? People can tell me If this Is a song, cause this Is what I heard on the country station, You can’t dip your toes tell your nuggets are done. Is that song called why kids are fat? I was at the becah, and I saw so many of these obese toddlers wearing a sting bikini. Not saying It’s not sexy, I just think It’s Inappropriate. And then pop music okay, here Is what Is happening In music right now, If you really want to make money you have to write a song that makes teenagers think they can be rich and famous without doing anything. “You’re beautiful no matter what they think and say,” well actually you’re 16, you’ve never read a book In your life, all you eat Is chips and you’re pregnant. But Katy Perry says I’m a firework, technically you’re an obese Latina doll. This girl Is on fire. Stop 4eating flaming hot Cheetos, any pregnant teens In the house? Did you hear about this? Did you hear about a teenager who had her baby In the dryer of a laundry mat, so sad, can you believe people still use laundromats? Do you know what worse than music Is talk radio? Okay whoever Invented playboy radio has forgotten the one thing you don’t want playmates to do, talk. And they give advice, and these guys will call In, these guys will be huhuhuhu, how you doing timber, listen I’m a retired vet. I love animals! Oh yeah I bet you do timber. I need some advice, I really want to fuck my stepdaughter. One thing I will say Is that my step dad waited until I moved out of the house before he fucked me and I really respect him for that. Like these girls will say a statement but It phrase It like a question, and If you talk like that you’re ruining the women’s movement. No other job can get away with talking like that. This Is your pilot speaking. We just got your x-ray back. I have a dream. Hahahaha. That’s how they laugh too, it’s not even a laugh, It’s a scream with spaces In It. Hahaha, someone help her. Apparently there are all these new  ways of talking, and that one Is called upspeak, and as we are getting stupider as a culture, there are all these new ways of talking. The growling. Like hot chicks do It a lot. Because sometimes when you’re really hot It’s hard to talk. The kardiansd do It. I have a question: why does everyone want to take a picture of my butt. I have a question: how does an Armenia family of whores capture the heart of America? 

Adderall and Oprah

When I prepare for a part I like to study the lines of Adderall I have In front of me. What do you have mama, besides giant breasts, very distracting. Do you have any Adderall, you take It all too fast, you like to party while you make a list. IF you don’t have ADHD right now you’re not paying attention. With the emails and the app, everything Is urgent. I feel like I’m going to crash my car reading an alert for a Groupon for sweat yoga. Why do I have to sign In Facebook to pay my water bill, I can’ tell what causes me more stress, not being able to remember my apple Id or not growing up with a father, this Is a weird times living in just looking ta their phones, never going to fuck her, never going to fuck her, she’s not going to fuck you either. You know fifty percent of tinder swipes are done on the toilet. And then you press a button and a stranger In a dodge caravan comes and picks you up. What Is happening? I was in a Siccon listening to the cranberry like I have a nice car. How have we all fallen for this. You guys do Lyft? Lyft Is good because It gives people who live out of their cars a chance to work from home.  Uber, Uber Is good If you want a combine a commute with a history lesson on Armenian genocide. Have you noticed that the cab drivers know there Is all this competition so they accept credit cards, they’ll all be In a good mood, every foreign cabbie Is In such a good mood you’d think his wife just miscarried a girl. They way I shop Is different now, because of technology I used to go to store and compare prices and try thing son, and maybe go back and get something. Now here’s what I do, I sit In my house, smoke some pot, dream something up, like I need a gold stapler, and then the day, someone throws It over the fence, I was just kidding. You can get as specific as you want, I want a cornflower blue kminoin, that’s not a good way to shop. What’s going to happen to us? I recently dislocated my shoulder, I won’t talk about It for long. I know no one wants It, what about It? Whenever I want someone to stop talking to me, I’m like uh, I start talking about my rotator cuff. I go online to get some solace.  Who are on these yahoo answer boards, they’re just like giving paragraphs of Information, well I’ve never dislocated my shoulder personally, but a friend In the office did a few months ago. And It’s like, how do you have time to be on this website? You got a password, you field In a captcha, like I worked 30 days a year, and I can barely handle life. There’s just so much pressure to keep up with all of this and like, Madonna has been spreading her legs since I’ve been In 7th grade. JLO and her butt, It’s just like do you know how many times a day I have to look at JLO’s ass It just comes Into my feed. I don’t care about J-Lo’s ass. J-Lo looks like a lion that works at Sephora. What? Where does that look? Everyone Is branding themselves, everyone Is taking pictures of themselves constantly. My mom has Gwyneth Platory’s cookbook and It has a picture of her on every page. And she’s telling people don’t buy their food and grow It In their own backyard, and It’s like I have two dogs with IBS. And, Los Angeles water Is toxic. This 2015, not the Jamestown settlement. Oprah, what Is Orpah chai latte. I travel to every Starbucks In the country. I know It’s hard to make fun of Oprah. She means so much to sad white women everywhere. But just hear me out. Imagine, the level of Insanity that has to be happening In your head that you have a magazine and It’s called your name and everyone month you’re like who should be on the cover, me! One time she shared the cover and It was with a picture of herself as a child. Sometimes I’ll rent the color purple and just fast forward to when she gets beat up. 

Martin 

I’ve been doing stand up In la to prepare for the special. What happens In law Is that they don’t have hosts so everyone has to bring up themselves. Because there are a lot of celebrities working out their material.  There can be open mixers all on the same show, and I was premiering on the comedy store. Okay, has anyone seen Martin Lawrence perform recently? He Is a master of pussy jokes. I don’t care If It’s red pussy white pussy, deep pussy shallow pussy, mostly posussy, polaroid pussy, It was like In forest gump when they talk about the shrimps that Is who much pussy he can desibee. And Martin Is killing. This pussy that pussy every pussy goodnight, and he throws down the mic and he gets a standing ovation and I’m waiting to go on, and he picks on the mic, and he’s like what’s’ next, and then he’s like trying to look on the sheet, but then waitress whispers to him, and Is Like Natasha Leggero and martin from stage, Is like who ?and they’re like Natasha Leggero, and Marin Is like “I’m black I can’t say that shit” first of all, If I said I can’t say someone’s snake because I`m white I wouldn’t be able to leave my house for 6 years.  So I’m In the back of the room, and I just say Natasha and Martin from the stage and say bitch I don’t work for you. So that was my entrance. So I come on stage, I ask everyone to palse sit down, and I mean I’m hamulated, this Is martin fucking Lawrence, from such tv shows at martin. So, I do my set, It does not go well. I just want to leave, I’m done with my set, I go outside, I’m waiting In my car. All of sudden I hear someone say Natasha, oh martin that was a 3 syllabus word good job, and he’s like come here, I’m like yah martin, and he’s like I don’t work for you. So I handed him a w-9 and he’s been on payroll ever since. 

Matchmaker

Do you guys, you look like here from millionaire matchmaker. Do you watch It. I do not understand her advice, she’s like Aldiss here’s what you do, go to a steakhouse, first of all by yourself, get yourself a steak, make eye contact and wait to get raped. I don’t know what her main goal Is.  But I have to tell you not only am I a talented actress, dancer, and visual artist. I also come from a  long line of matchmakers. Are there any single ladies that want to get set up, ma’am you single? Come up here, you guessed tonight like you want It. Oh she’s cute, this gonna be great Okay come on up. What’s your name. Ressona. And have those angel wings tattoos on your breastplate, oh you got them on your back. What are you looking for In a man, or a woman (i’ll take anything at this point) It’s rough out there, what’s your perfect? (men) okay. This already a very low standard. Man Is my perfect, but I will also be with a woman. Someone hurt you real bad huh, what are you looking for Ideally In a man, (someone with tattoos, someone who likes dogs, and not children) so no Internal qualities, just dogs, a height you want there to be a car you want him to drive? (I mean my bar Is pretty low) You need to stop saying that. (anyone taller than 55, would be great okay taller than 55, any age range , like 11 to 70. (older than 17) and then younger than. (50) `7 to 50 any enthinay you would like (uh no,) that means black. She’s cool she’s cute. What do you love (I’m a biologist and environmental planner) ? Does everyone In San Francisco have a job I don’t understand? Are there any men who are Interested In If you’re under 50? (I’m flexiable0 she will fuck anything In this club. If you haven’t had a date for a decade, this Is your time, I’m going to pay for you. We have women so far. We’re trying to be a man. She just said I would like to take him now. This Is a woman. Okay. hold on, I’m going to have to call security. Not my typical fan. She just sleepwalk over here, and was like I want him. Please don’t be set up with my only fan that came here from Chelsea lately. You’re so cool to be up here. Are you willing sir? Oh hell yeah. Gonna be great. C’mon. (i wanna have her) he’s funny. Okay. don’t upstage me. So, what’s your name sir. (sean) sean and what do you do for a living, I work In marketing, can you handle that. Is that to square, she already told us she will literally fuck anyone. And what would you do on a date to wine and dine Rosanna? Where would you take a girl on a date Sean (burning man) ? Does that sound fun to you? I can already tell by the humming bird tattoo, do you have any questions for sean? (where In SF do you live?) Now she’s getting picky. She’s like, If you are priced out of the city and live In some scarmentao shit hole, where do you live (audience woo) that’s good right where do you live (oakland sauce boss) so when are you free, can you do a Saturday brunch, hold on mama, (I’m free) we need to make them reservation, does anyone have a phone, when can we, when Is a good time, (sometime late In the morning, ) oh I have a good place, early morning, early afternoon, let’s do Saturday, can you guys just separated for a second. Stand over there, alright. Let’s just say Saturday and see what we can get. (ring, ring, thank you for calling Applebee’s,) Hi norien, I’d like to make a reservation, (we don’t’ do reservation or call ahead, ) what’s a call ahead?)(when you call head for seating) a rescation. Oh okay, I’m sorry what was your name again, hi noris. Can I ask a question about the menu, would you have a dish that would combine chicken tenders and mac and cheese, (yes! We have a four cheese mac and cheese stuffed with a napa chicken tender do you think that uh, anapa might be Insulted by that (no)_ just really quickly I was wondering If you could make an execution, do you maybe have a table by a fountain, (there Is fountain outside across the sea) court hey sit there (no) okay I’m sorry can you hear me okay, (yes, yes) quick question, (oka) do you think I could speak to cheg please (no he’s really busy) I have a few more question, noirne, really qiu ciklily I’d like to know, I’d like a really romantic setting, what sets you apart from a tgigi or a fudge rucker, or staying home and getting diarrhea alone? (what?) what would set Applebee’s apart from a drudge ruger or a tif or just staying home and getting diarrhea alone.(I’m sorry, I don’t) okay If you don’t do reservation or call always, what would be the best time to send two people where to  liek If he’s looking to get his dick wet (9:30) get off the stage get off the stage, let’s give It up for our new couple everybody. Help her help her. Thank you so much San Francisco. Thank You for having me!

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