Ron White – You Can’t Fix Stupid
Thank you so much man, thank you so much. Settle down, shut up, what’s going on. A lot of you know that I started doing stand up in Arlington Texas. And that was 19 years ago, in 19 short years I’ve made it all the way over there. That’s over 25 miles folks.
Seeing old Friends
Best thing about coming back is getting to see dear old friends. My best friend lives here, and he bought a mini cooper, and his battery was dead so I gave him a jump start off my iPod. And uh.
I actually did nothing this summer. I didn’t work at all, I sat around did nothing at all. I bought a big new house and I was kind of getting it order. I was having a fight with the landscape guy because half the plants died. It cost a ton of money and half the plants died. And the guy is fighting with me over whether or not a tree is alive or dead, we walk over and there are two trees, not a leaf on either one, it’s September the forest is in bloom. And I said those two trees are dead right there, and he goes over to the trees and scratches the trunk with his thumb and he goes, the core of the tree is still alive. And I said let me tell you what I’m fucking looking for in a tree. I’m looking for a tree that you can tell is a live, I’m looking for a tree that you can is alive even if you don’t know shit about trees. I don’t want to spend the next two years every time someone comes over to my house going oh no those trees are fine right there, go scratch the trunk with your thumbnail, you will find a vibrant core. Just beneath the bark.
Touring on the Bus
I had a rough winter, my manager will send me anywhere in the winter for one reason. He doesn’t’ have to fucking go, send the show pony off, he’ll send back commission, a nd I tour on a big tour bus with my wife and two dogs, and January we’re at Connecticut at a casino. Biggest casino in the world, and they were kind enough to put in a remote parking lot. I mean remote. I wasn’t anywhere remotely around the biggest casino in the world, and this nasty snowstorm slaps the northeast last January and uh, I gotta walk these two dogs, and there is a thermometer on the bus that say what the temperature is outside the bus, and it’s zero, and my wife goes what’s the temperature outside, and I say there’s not one. This place doesn’t seem to have a temperature.
But no matter what the temperature is I still have to walk the dogs because she ain’t gonna do it. No the empress, no no no. So I’m walking the dogs, and they pee, which makes me wanna pee, it’s freezing, my dick is like that. And normally it’s like that. Huge cock. It’s that long, but it’s this big around. It’s like a cheese wheel really. I may not touch bottom but I will stretch out the edges. With my cheese wheel don’t be afraid.
I watched the Michal Jackson trail and you know Michael wasn’t convicted of anything and I do know people do try misrepresent things to get money, and here’s a little parenting tip weather Michael is convicted or not convicted doing’ let you kid go to Michael fucking Jackson’s house. (big applause) He’s got a Ferris wheel in his front yard, I guarantee you every percent is sitting in a van with milk dudes in their mouth going if I only had a Ferris wheel in my front yard, they’d be lined up at the gate to get in here. Damn, I don’t know about Michael, they searched his bedroom and they found life sized dolls. And one of them was dressed in a cub suit. Well maybe it’s innocent, but em, if they found a life sized doll in my room of a women, everyone would assume I was fucking it. And they would be right. Just can’t, this kid said he could identity Michael’s penis because he would be able to tell disgusting characteristics. Folks I’ve been jacking off for 30 year I couldn’t pick my dick out of a police line up.
I told somebody I would tell this story, I was doing a show in bowling green Kentucky, no too long ago, and you never know how much of the crowd will be lit, and this was lit for the DVD so I could see everybody but usual I can just see nobody or just the first few rows and there was a lady in the first row wearing a denim skirt with buttons up the front except it wasn’t buttoned up the front, and her legs were just played and it really didn’t want to embarrass her, but I couldn’t, cause I have a little attention definite problem I got, an I actually stop the show and go “hey lady will you close your legs I can see your slip” and she got all mad like it’s not a slip it’s a petticoat, well I can see the junction. And uncle joe needs a shave to tell you the truth.
Well I’ll tell you one more, I was doing this show at Folk Polk for the troops in Louisiana a few months ago and but anyone could come to the show, and there were civilians at the show. And I mentioned there were 40,000 folks station at Ft Polk and there is. And this really well dressed, uh, drunk lady hollers out, everyone of them is a bad fuck. Boy you what it seems like, after 39,000 times you’d start to go, maybe it’s me? Maybe I need to read a book, I seem to be the only common denominator in this math education of love.
I think because of this whole in the middle east we’re all getting a little more familiar with the globe than we used to be. I found out yesterday that there really is a place called bum fuck Egypt. And the only way to get there is to go up shit creek. And the itolia of Iran died, and they’re desperately looking for the next Italy. I suggested they get that guy they kicked out of the () boy. Um papa told ma ma.
So, I had the weirdest thing that happened to me, I was at a party and I was talking to a friend of mine that I hadn’t seen a couple of years and a guy walks up to us that he knows that I don’t know and while we’re having this conversation he stops and introduces me to their fellow and I’m not paying attention. And I gotta shake this guys’ hand and while I’m shaking his hand, I realize it’s not really a hand it’s got two little piece of something and web between and sum and web it’s flipper, no offense if you have a flipper, but if you do don’t’ you feel some obligation to warn somebody, especially if they’re not paying attention. Watch it flip. Cause I dend up hurting the guys feeling, what is that fucking flipper. And you feel bad. I’ll touch his flipper, I just gotta see it first. I gotta get ready for the flipper, can’t be shocking me with the flipper buddy.
I did a comedy club to warm up for a show in Atlanta, not too long ago. The comedy show was this little 150 seat comedy club that I had been banned from for 12 years for bad behavior. I didn’t argue when they did it either, I was like I get it. So I went back and the audience didn’t know I was going to be there, and when I walked on stage I noticed there was a bachelorette party front sage. I’ve been doing comedy for years and when you see a bachelorette party it’s never good news. Now don’t get me wrong I love women, and I especially love drunk women but you cannot compete with a bachelorette party because basically they don’t need you, they have novelty items. Little straws, top of the straw shaped like a little penis. They get pacifies, and the policies are shaped like a little penis. And as the night went on they would laugh harder and harder because apparently the drunker a woman gets the funnier they find little tiny penises to be. Which might be why I like them so much. Well this night I’d seen something I never saw something I’d seen before these women had this 8 inch chocolate penis wrapped in cellophane and nobody was touching it. Just sitting there sitting in the middle of the tale and try as I might to ignore it, I couldn’t because instinctively I knew this big chocolate dick was going to hurt me and I was right, it was a great show and for some reason with five minutes left these women decided to get this thing out and started passing it back and forth trying to see how much they could fit in their mouth at a time. Nobody’s watching me anymore. Everybody’s I watching this dunk contest. And, the thing that struck me as food is that nobody was offended by it. All the women were looking at me like, oh aren’t they haven’t fun, don’t you remember when Becky had her bachelorette party that was dad da da all the men going is this free? And it’s a double standard folk because 4i guarantee you if there was a group of men in this room right now that whipped out a sac of little gummy pussies. I don’t know what that last part was, or how ever you do it you know. I make a little raquette.
Cheers folks. Somebody asked what I was drinking, if the company that was paying me they were drinking I’d have it in their bottle and not mine, it’s the king of scot that people drink who are going to die penniless. It’s’ good though.
You can’t Fix Stupid
I had a great year last year, got married to my wife, Baraba. She’s a great women. Baraba was actually Jeff Foxworthy interior designer, so not only was Jeff responsible for my success and career, but he also introduced me to the women I’m goin to spend the rest of my life with, which I think makes us even. Baraba is my age, I didn’t marry a kid, I wanted somebody that uh, that really stimulus intellect two degree, great business, she’s also very sexy, but if I could get advice it’s don’t marry for looks alone, going either way and I tell you why, in a few years of Baraba boobs start to sag to much there is place you can go where they can lift them right back up there where they are, put the nipple there. You can actually go to tiddy doctor pick out a pair of titties say I want those titties on that women right there. If her belly gets too big and she doesn’t want to work it off, you can go get her a tummy tuck and make her look like a cheerleader. You know if your eyes go bad, they can get you Lasik surgery and give you 2020 vision. If your ears go bad they can put a hearing ad that will make you able to hear as good as you should the day you were born, but let me tell you folks, you can’t fix stupid. There’s not a pill you can take, there’s’ not a class you can go stupid is forever.
We just got back not too long ago from our honeymoon we went on a cursei to san terrier Greece, and the curse was fine we fought the whole time and I was going, dude, she booked the cruise and she shows it to me on a calendar and the cruise is at the end of the month. Guess what else happens at the end of the month at our house? I’m looking at her like oh great I’m gonna have seven days in a cruise ship room trying to get gennie back in the fucking bottle. My wife is the nicest person I’ve ever met, but you get her pms and a couple of glasses of red wine, but she turns into “let me tell you something about you that you don’t know” I’m all ears honey. Now I’m not making light of women’s’ period, I would never do that, that’s serious stuff. If that happened to me one time I’d be in the hospital. It wouldn’t be any of this nonchalant, I’m spotting, I’d be running down the road like my hair was on fire, screaming my balls are bleeding, my balls are bleeding. But it’s honeymoon, man. My wife is on her period she won’t have sex sixth me a all, no way. Which is bullshit, because if the roller coaster is broken they don’t shut down the whole amusement park. Cause if they did you’d be standing outside that fence, like the log ride is working. And I’ve got some coupons. Foxworthy right before we leave Foxworthy gives me a Viagra, now I’ve never taken that before. And he tells me, seriously dude you take this on your honeymoon and you will personally thank me. And I take it and I walk into the honeymoon suite, and she goes I’m just not in the mood, and I’m like, yeah me either. My dick was hard enough to hunt with. I could have chased down an elk and beat it to death with this dick. Oh shit I broke an antler. I was gonna have this thin mounted. Now I’m going to mount this thing. Come here. Give me something else to fuck, hand me that parrot. And that wasn’t even our biggest point of contention. Our biggest point of contention, that was my impression of a parrot desperately trying to get away. I just added that to the show. He’s afraid of the cheese wheel. Our deepest point of connection was that she wanted me to hang out by the swimming pool all day long, everyday, normally I just sit there and lay and read a book, cause at this point I’m out of diamond. But I didn’t want to hang out by the swimming pool all day everyday, because there was a fan of mine out there, and this guy wanted to talk to me all day long. Yak yak yak yak yak yak. This guy told me his entire life story, against my will. This guy raped my ear. This guy forcefully shoved unwanted information into my ear hole, no means no. This guy is telling me stories that somebody else told him that someone they know. I’m third generation don’t give a fuck. And I felt bad for the guy. His story was that his wife left him and started sleeping with all his buddies. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say, well I wish I knew you better. I just fucked an elk and parrot. Human pussy sounds great to me. That wasn’t even his worst quality, this guy was about 60 years old he was in great shape, he was a marathon runner and he was a little guy and he was small, he was about 130 pounds with a little nose and great big hands and little bittie bathing suit. With what looked like a squirrel living in it. I shit not. And he wasn’t just talking he would lean this thing into me. And bob it around a little bit, I guess just to make sure I noticed, but there are people on the other side of the swimming pool like, look at the dick on that guy, I wonder what he feeds it. Well we made it to sand terra, and san terrier grease is a tiny island and it volcanic and for two thousand years of the only way to get to the top of the rim on the porch side of the island was to take a donkey until five years ago that built a tram that did the same thing in 18, and I was shocked to see the donkey guy still in business even though he had the worst sales pitch I’ve ever heard in my life. It was you can the donkey to the top of the rim, so you can take the tram for the same price. That would be my biggest secret if I were you. I would start lying to people as soon as they got off the boat. Shit saddle me up. C’mon honey it will be fun and you’re in such a good mood maybe a donkey ride will be just the thing to cheer you up. Well as it turns out I’m a tram guy, we take the tram up, and then we have to climb up there’s ancient cobblestone street because there is one more church in the Mediterranean and we haven’t seen it. And I’m sweating scotch in every pore in my body. There was a huge party the night before and I was more fucked up than Courtney love at the Pamela Anderson roast. And we’re going uphill I’m a down hill tram guy and I know I got about ten minutes of this uphill stuff in me before I go back to the thief and lay down, and we pass some of these scooters and I tell my wife why don’t we rent over of these scooters and we can just buzz around the whole island in a little scooter and she’s like we are not getting on one of those scooters. And I’m like let me rephrase that, I’m gonna rent a scooter. And if you’d like to at some point you can hop on it, that’s fine, or you can watch my little tail light fade into the distance. And she’s like you don’t even know how to ride a motorcycle, and I’m like, I’ve been riding motorcycles my whole life. As it turns out, I don’t know how to ride a scooter, this thing was a steam of shit. It had the front wheel the size of a donut, my hands are a foot apart, knees in my face, buses going by like phhh, she’s screaming stop this thing goddamnit. I’m screaming lean the way I learn it, goddamnit. Like a monkey in a sidecar. Well after little while we start to get the hang out of it, and we start to make our way down the gentle sloping other side of sand weird and it’s just bars and beaches and restaurant it’s the promised land. My promise. But we make up from our little tiff, and we start walking down the beach hand and hand and it turn out this part of the beach is the nude beach, guess who’s there squirrel man, and he has got what looks like an anaconda laying in his lap, first time I saw it I was like that thing must have ate the squirrel, and he’s not even laying flat on his back he’s leaning towards the people who walking towards him, and didn’t begrudge him a bit, cause if it had been mine I would have been holding a picture frame around it, “you can take the donkey to the top of the or you can ride this, it is the same price”
My wife is a brilliant woman, she really is, she came up with a solution for the overpopulation of our planet, and it was brilliant and simple, like most brilliant ideas. Stop spending money for the development of products like Viagra and instead, invest that money in research to develop a product to make seman taste like chocolate. I told you it was a good idea. She’d be chasing me down the sidewalk, come here Willy Wonka. Get that little chocolate factory back over here, mister, there has gotta be one more in there.
Normally she’s a very senior women, one time we were driving down the road and she decided to give me the highway delight, or as like to affectionately refer to it, a mouth hug, and I was pleasantly surprised but the other people in the carpool got all pissed off, like Hey we gotta get these kids to school. And she loves chocolate.
Mile High Club
I think it’s kind of odd, that as long as I’ve been touring, twenty years, a lot of travel, I’m not a member of the mile club. When you have sex on a plane a mile above ground, I did jack off in Denver two weeks ago. I am a member oddly enough of a little club I started, called it’s called the mile egg club, that’s where you fuck someone behind a crack barrel billboard, we’re having a membership drive too, so grab your parent and skip to my loo.
I think the most often thing I get asked on my website is why am I not a bigger member of blue collar television. Which is Jeff and Larry and Bill’s show, and the answer is my work ethic. My grandpa used to say, that boy got a lot of quitting in him.
And as a young man the thing I didn’t get quit I got kicked out of, I got kick out of the high school debate team for saying “yeah well fuck you,” I thought I had won. The other kid was speechless. I thought that was what we were trying to do. Kind of weird, I’m from a little bitty town in Texas called Frish. Like you ever heard of it. It’s a little bitty town. My town was so small, that one year our high school marching band formed a period. Two years later they made a comma, they were kicking some ass. Right outside brought that’s exactly right.
Grandma in Texas
Uh now, I moved from there fairly young, my cousins grew up there, my cousin can tell you a good hunting story. Here’s how different we are, he’s a homophobe, I can’t believe I’m not gay. That’s how far apart we are on the food chain. Now I’m not gay, but look at these fucking shoes. Now the reason I say that is who knows how things are going to turn out in life, and the reason I say that is because from the time I was 9 to 13, I was raised by my grandmother, in a ho funk shit town and there and there was nothing to do, and my grandma caught me in the bathroom. Just doing it, and my grandmother bless her heart was a very religious Mormon, and she came up to me later I was mortified, and she said It says in the bible, it is better for your seed to fall in the belly of the whore than on the ground and I was like, great, I can’t argue with that kind of logic. You got fifty bucks. The first time I ever had sex, that some one else was involved with it, my grandmother caught me, in her garage, having sex with this girl, and my grandmother said one of these days your gonna be standing side by side with the lord answ3erin for your sings and what are you gonna say to him when he let the chod returned up. And I’m gonna tell him like this, here comes the good part. I was throwing some dick in this one wasn’t I, I was throwing some dick back then. Now to fully understand this, you have to understand how my grandmother was, my grandmother and her family moved to the panhandle of Texas at the turn of the wagon, very poor, very rural people, and as a child I would have to look a little bit sick and my grandmother would start cramming things in my ass, she had an anal thermometer from the 19th centaury and the only way she to take my tempture was to take this huge thermometer in my ass and suppositories, quantity ass pills I don’t know where she got em, they were that fucking big, they were huge. And she would stick a hose in my ass, and pump hot water in my bowls, and I hated it. At first. Then I was like, I feel dizzy grandma, that my fever is breaking. I got mixed messages as a child, my dad would snake me, and then go now you do me. What the fuck kind of.
I was talking to my cousin ray the other day, he said this world would be better if there weren’t so many queers. I said you know what, next time you have a thought let it go. I told him, we’re all gay buddy, it’s just what extend are you gay. He goes that’s bullshit, I’m not gay at all. I said yes you are, he said alright prove it. I said alright, do you like porn, he said yeah you know I like porn. I go, well do you only watch porn of two women together, he said no, I like to watch a man and woman, I said, well do you like the guy to have a small half flaccid penis and he said no I like big hard throbbing… You like chocolate. I’ll never forget this night as long as I live, thank you very much goodnight.