Nate Bargatze – Full Time Magic

I’ve got to go name my chapters

Than you wow. Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh um. It’s uh, you know. I’ll be honest with you, I don’t think the show is going to be as good as that, I think i”m going to let you guys down. Dang. Feel like we peaked. Let get doing it. Or something. I’m un, very excited to be here, I’m married, this is what marriage feels like by the way. Just one person talking, I’m gong get out of here. It’s, that’s, we ‘re from nashville me and my wife were in nashville last summer and we were floating on the water and there was a guy in a boat, and my wife was like that’s my ex boyfriend in that boat. Now, I didn’t know who he was so she didn’t have to say that at all. She was basically like, were you having fun, cause I’d like to put a stop to that, and make you stare at this guy the rest of the day. So I’m staring at this guy and I look at my wife and sehs’ staring at him. And I feel like she’s staring at him to see what her life would be like if she hadn’t married me, so I’m staring at him like I wonder what my life would be like if hadn’t married her. You know. And we were putting so much pressure on this guy. And, we stared at him for a while, and he did something exciting at all, and looked back at each other, and you know what we didn’t have a boat, that was the only difficenret. My friend was like why didn’t you fight him, well I would have to swim over to fight him> don’t know how inundating that is, just see a guy’s head in a lifejacket. Then I would have to get in a boat. Have you ever tried to get in a boat from water? It’s not aggressive. It takes an hour if no one is in the boat, like, if he’s in there I’m never going in. I can’t tell you why but I really need this boat. 

For my special

Me and my wife fight alot. I think it’s normal. Marriage and prison are the two easiest to start to fight. Everybody is really tense and edge, and no one remembers why you got there. My wife will get mad when I hang out with my buddies, oh you always have so much fun with your friends. You never laugh that much with me, yeah I hang out with professional comedians. It’s a pretty good time. LIke, they make jokes, new jokes everyday, she doesn’t make jokes ever. She make a lot of lists. She does do list stuff. She’s in charge ,and she runs everything cause she knows everything. LIke I don’t know that much stuff. I don’t know how much money we have. I couldn’t even ballpark it. What bank we go to? I don’t know. I can’t get robbed because if some guy is like let’s go to the atm, I’d be like guess we have to wait for my wife to get here. She can’t leave me because then like…She can’t die if she starts dying then I’d die so much faster than her. Cause I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to call her mom, hey did she ever bring up bank stuff with you. Hey what did she do for a living, what was her deal. My job is to protect the house, I do not know if someone will come in. I don’t have a gun, but I have a pocket knife. I could do nothing. I could hope to aggregate him at best. I could cut him, rip her shirt open, that’s best case senator. For the. I don’t know how to use the knife in the middle of the day. Much less in the middle of the night, wake up have some kind of knife skill I’ve never had before. So what we do is sleep strategically to prepare for an attack, you know, I’m here, she’s here, she’s closer to the door, but, it’s she who doesn’t even know there is tragedy. So, we just. So the plan is, the guy is gonna come in, shell lunch, she’ll lunch, she’ll be like I feel like I got punished, oh babe you don’t’ know what lunging is. She’ll put up a good fight, at least a good enough fight so that I can practice with my knife on my side, just a little be ready for him. 

Comedy Central SPecial

We have a daughter now, a two year old daughter, so it’s getting pretty serious between me and my wife now. I was living in new york when my daughter was born. But we flew back here so she was born in tennessee. I don’t need her growing up thinking she’s better than me. Yeah. yeah. I was like you start where we start, no one gets a leg up in this family. It was wild, I remember going to he shopitla. I remember telling my wife, like I don’t want to see anything. I wish it was like the 50’s when they didn’t let men in the hospital. But it’s not, the doctors are like, do you want to deliver the baby why don’t’ you do most of it. They just pull the baby out and are like here, why don’t you cut the umbilical cord. They just act like I’m the guy who cuts umbeiral cords in the hospital. I am almost the wrong part, I don’t know what it is. That’s not right. I’m like why don’t you do this. WHy am I doing minor surgery right now, didn’t you go to school for this? If it’s not cheaper I don’t want to do it. And then they just hand you your baby, alright I’ll see it. Doctors are so unimpressed with birth. The first question I asked, how much do you feed it. It sounded like I was buying a hamster at a pet store. The big  message is, whatever you try to do, just don’t shake this baby. That’s the number one goal, and they tell it to you like, obviously you are going to want to shake the baby, but it would be so awesome to not shake the baby. ANd then I watched the video where the guy was like here’s what I do when I want to shake the baby. I walk about 70 miles a day. I never see this baby. I had to sign a certificate like wi was in kindergarten. Alright I’m not able to shake the baby, stop asking me about it. I have never heard the word shack so much in my life. That’s all we talked about for three days. The first night we got her home, we were leikkaus and she was crying. Are we supposed to shake this baby? That what they said to do? We didn’t shack her. I feel like I got to say that, you guys don’t have to call someone. We have rocked her pretty hard. You know. Babies have to get a lot of shots, a otn of shots. It’s very nerve wracking cause they don’t know what’s going on. You take them into this room, man this day is going unbelieve, what’s goin to to go wrong, what’s gonna go wrong. You have no way of telling them, it’s about to all go wrong. You can’t even imagine how wrong it will go. So she gets the shot,and we gotta console her, and we’re waiting for her to cry. She does not cry. She was just fine with the shot, everything was okay. And my wife was like this is a sign of bravery, she’s going to be a powerful woman one day. I was like yes, it could also show that she’s’ gonna be psycho. Who doesn’t cry when you get a shot, she doesn’t even know what it is and hs’es fine with it. I cry and I know what it is. I don’t know if she’s going to be crazy. You have no way to know for a while. We’re not off to good start but maybe. It’s going to be like 18 years, when she’s 18, I’ll be sitting here at her graduation either like I love you so much, I’m so proud of her. Or we’ll be on the news, we love you so much but turn yourself in. Right now. She throws fits like a normal kid. We took her to walmart to buy some toys. We were like just going to let her pick. Which first she runs to like dog toys, no this isn’t, have to grab her, like she’s joking around. Yes. I don’t know. Do you have a dog, we might get one. So, I get her, back to the human toys, and go ahead and pick whatever she wants. It’s this little popper. I don’t know if you remember it has this little globe on it, you push and it goes up. I don’t know if you remember, but it hasn’t changed since you’ve been a kid. The guy made it a hundred years ago and no changes. No suggestion box nothing, we’re doing it forever like this. So she’s grabbing it all over the store, we gotta put it back, but I don’t want that one, it’s been used. Already been used. I want a brand new one. ANd I pay for it. Then I go to switch with her. A reasonable person will see that it’s the exact same thing. We got into a huge fight. A crazy fight. Two year old girl. It was almost like we were trying to prove that we belong in walmart. I was sitting there, let it go, you can’t tell the difference. She’s looking at me, like why don’t’ you let it go, you can’t tell the difference. I got it, I got it out of her hands tho. I am so much larger than her, I was like I got it. I didn’t want her to win, we took it home and she has not touched it since then. I thought I won, but I bought something no one is using. It’s our first kid, I don’t know if we had a kid too late in life. I’m 35, she was 33 when I was born. When you ask someone what was the best time of your life, either before they had kids or after they had kids, there are twenty years they don’t mention and that’s when kids are in their house. So by the time my daughter moves out I’ll be 53, I’ll be dead within hours. I’Ve just pushed it too far. I watch that show teen mom and man those girls know nailing it. That’s what, just get it over with no one like junior high or high school anyway, warp it all up. If I had my kid at 15 it’d been over with. Right Now. I will be excited when she goes, when she goes to school to do homework with her and stuff, it’s bonding and it’s not going to hurt for me to do one more run through. One more pass. None o fit stuck for me. 

You were there

I did go to community college for a while. Just me and this guy. Did you go longer than a year? One one year or did you go to real college, couple years oh well, valendictodin over here. Jeeze. I made it one, and what’s even more embarrassing than that is that I do not have any credit. You got credit, like all of them, you think you’re better than me? It’s easy I think to graduate. My loan is 40 dollars I just paid cash. That’s all, this is great. That’s more than enough. I was all in remedial classes, reminals just don’t count so they were all outside. Everyone was outside, we didn’t even meet inside the building at a pinchi nable. Cause mey teacher was like, well you’ll all me outside the rest of your life. You’ll be learning how to get your socks wet. You’ll be getting up pretty early the rest of your lives. I hope you guys like sunrises cause you’re going to see a lot of them, that’s what remedial classes are for, they’re a heads up that your goin to be doing manual labor. The assignment, the teacher is like the assignment today is that you’re going to help me move. That’s The thing you have to have a car and live in your parents house. Are you kids moving out of your house, it’s just remidnal I’m just with old people that are like, you’re mad at them all cause they’re asking all the questions. I’m trying to do what you did at 18 so don’t ruin it for me. 

What do you mean you don’t remember

I fall for a lot of stuff I really do, catfish, you know about catfish. That’s another MTV show right now. I like what MTV is doing right now. That’ being tricked on the internet, the big famous story was mantatie, that believed in the fake girlfriend and when I saw that I knew I’d fall for that. I mean I’m 35 I still do not sleep with my son because my dad told me my feet can’t breathe when I was a kid. I still believe that so you bet I can talk to a fake woman for quite a while. I almost joined the army at 18, just because they called, I thought I got picked! I was like oh wow this is an honor. Wow. I also signed up for a jcpenney credit card at 1`89 I was a man . This day is getting crazier and crazier. I would love it. I would love it. The guy just called for the army. My mom had to call the army and jc penny on the same day. She was like ehs’ not doing any of this, he got the phone quicker than he usually does. Just so you know, the jc penny credit card was the tougher to get out of. I’m pretty dumb. I’m not. I tell people I’m dumb, but no one goes like ok. They’re just like I bet your not dumb. Well we’re about to have a conversation so I just wanted to give you a heads up. 

It was in New York City

It thinks of it like time traveling. Like if I could go back in time to like the twenty. If I could go back in time right now, tonight, and go back in time to leith e twenties, I don’t think I could make a difference. I don’t think you guys would even hear about it, I just don’t’. I would go back, and I would see a guy on an old phone. And i”d like eventually they have phones that are just in your pocket. Yeah, how do they do it? Oh god, I don’t know. I think it’s  a satellite. I think, the satellite, they’re like what’s a satellite, I’m like ugh I shouldn’t have even said that. Metal, it’s like metal high in the air. I don’t even think I could prove I’m from the future, I don’t. I’d just get stuck. Cause they would want something. Like who’s the next president, oh boy. Abraham LIncol you’re gonna love him. They just think I’m from the past, then I’d have to get a regular job. I would go back in time and do worse than I’m doing right now. 

We flew on a plane to get there

I went and visited my parents recently. My parents have a real fat cat. People point it out, they walk in and go man that cat’s fat. Seems rude. He doesn’t speak english but we do. And they’re just like what are you feeding this cat. Normal cat food things, we just fill a bowl. If he eats 8 birds outside he doesn’t tell us. You know, he’s not like, yeah I ate out tonight I’m good. and then they’re like y’all should do something, what do you think we’re not doing. Do you think he has a gym membership and we don’t drive him. He’s a cat. That’s his gym membership, that’s he’s a cat. I watched him jump from on top of the fregifation. Tahjty’s like if I jumped from on top of the school from the ground. If I did that you’re not going to be like, well you could still lose a little bit. 

Yes. Real high on the plane

I gotta get in shape, not this hspa, it’s not a good shpa. E I though, oh I’m doni an hour special that will motivate me, here we are. I tell people I gotta get back in shape, I’ve never been in shape. People are like, I’d like to get back to my twenties, I’d like to get back to seven. If I get cloud back to when I was 7 I was just killing it. I don’t know how to work out, for me a great workout is walking to mcdonalds or, stand up and eat, see if that does something. My friends are like let’s go lift weights. I don’t want to get too big, that’s how far I go. Well let’s just drive by and see what happens. If you start ballooning up we will leave immediately. I ordered the p90x videos. Never worked out a day in my life so let’s what the navy seals do. I ordered it because of the commeiral. They have the before body and the after body and I was blown away by the before body. I thought that’s what you get to look like. That guy looks like great. I would be thrilled to look like him. Does the before body guy have a dvd? Cause? That guy seems more my speed, what did he do to get that? I’ll just do that. I signed up for a mixed martial class, I made it one day, it was all through groupon, the groupon is like mixed martial art training, it should have been hey do you want to fight a guy in a room. I go in there, I don’t know how to fight, and they just pair me up with a 16 year old kid who wants to fight for a living. And wasn’t raised by humans, and they’re like why don’t you just go at it. I think it’s’ because we have different goals, that’s why. We should not go out at it, I believe he’s training for the hunger games, I just want you not to be able to see my nippels through my shirt. That’s two levels. Someone gave me an under armor shirt to wear, it just shows the worst of your body, it’s skin tight. I look better without a shirt on athan with that shirt on. You know in plastic surgery how they draw markers on you, they should just put you into aht shirt, obviously that’s what we’re going to go after. 

Then you went sightseeing in New York

I’m lazy. I can tell from watching sport, I was watching a football game sitting on my couch, and before I got up one guy kicked off the other team and before I could get up the guy ran a 100 yard kickoff return, the guy ran 100 before I could 3 to mayb 4 yards. That guy also had 11 people really trying not let him run 100 yard, I didn’t even have an otomon in my way it was wide open.I played sport when I was growing up, I played baseball, I’m up to bat I get walked, I get ot base the catcher was still holding the ball. And he wasn’t, he was staring at me, like he was dating at me to run, like I don’t think he’s gonna go, so I run to second, he throw it to second, he over throws it, I run to third, they overthrow it to third, I’m running this is baou to be a in the park homerun off a walk, I’m about to be on sportscenter this is the biggest thing to happen in the sports, I slide to home,and the umpire goes it was only ball three.  So, I have to get up, I’m dirty for no reason, I’m out of breath, I have to pick my bat up exactly where I left it, it’s’ not 3 balls two strikes, I immediately stick out, the umpire goes now you’re fine. What I did learn was that, uh if your confident you can get away with quite a bit, cause why didn’t anyone stop me, they knew I wasn’t supposed to be going, that’s why the kid was holding the ball, then I run to second, and no one is that much of anidoi the ball in the outfield, they’re not looking they think it’s’ a hit, and I guess the umpire realizes, and is like well I guess it’s easier for him to come back to me, at least let me feel what it’ll feel like to get an inside the park homerun. I was thinking about all the parents in the stands too cause they can’t hear what’s goin on, so they’re just watching this, and I guess like I don’t understand baseball I thought I knew, baseball changed since I’ve been a kid, when you around like that you’re done, I don’t like these new rules. I watch a ton of sports, I think it’s alway great you see the nba when they win a championship, cause you see some to the player afterwards, everyone is like, I want to dedicate this champions to everyone who dubbed me this entire life, then the guy stands up and he’s 7 4 240, and nop one doubted you. No one went on a limb and said I bet you can go far, no one, though you were a tree your first five years of life. I thought your parents were your children, that’s how big you are. Lot of the time when athletes retire they do motivational speaking, one type of athletic you can hire is like guys that have climbed mount everest, they talk businesses to motivate them. Casey is’ relatable. It’s like it’s not relatable at all, this guy climbed Mt Everest, and he’s goin to talk to people who are trying to park close to the building. Ti’s noit. He asks everyone,w hat’s your mt everest, what your toughest thing in life, and before you answer, remember his is mt everest so it better be pretty good, mine is like I have trouble not stopping at mcdonalds, that’s how embarrassing you know I don’t know how long you won the mountain but now they’re open 24hours. 

You’re hungry now

You just ate

No M&Ms

I love the craziness of new york. The homeless people, they’re everywhere though. They travel well. You Got by, you see them asleep on the sidewalk. Everytime I see them they go to bed at a very reasonable hour. Walk by it’s 9 o’clock he’ll get a solid eight hours, he’ll be at work on time. One homeless guy he asked me for money and iw asl iek alright here, and I gave him the money it’s good to give money it could happen to you you could be homeless tomorrow. I don’t know about tomorrow. I have a lot of friends and family. I’d have to get rid of them in 24, I don’t have time to do that, I would have to kill them all then I’d go to jail so I wouldn’t be homeless. It would take a long time. Very forced, maybe that was his message. Maybe that was good. I don’t know. 

Two m&ms

You just don’t say, I don’t say anything. I don’t say anything good, just let stuff happen. I was flying recently, and now when you’re flying you can leave your phone in airplane mode, and this lady leans over a guy “hey you have to cut your phone off, and she’s like you have to cut your phone off you can’t have it on” and I got, you don’t have to do it anymore and shes like “you have to do it,” and I’m like you don’t’ have to do it. They’ve changed the rules. And she’s like “I don’t make the rules” well they’ve changed the rules, and you’re acting like a rule maker. Alright, and guess what, I cut it off, I cut it off and now I think about her everyday. Everyday I think about her. I just want to find her again, I really do, if she ever sees this, you were not right. I was completely right, this I think is the only way. You were wrong about it all. I bet she would be watching she wouldn’t know, she’s clearly let it go. She’s won this. She’s like what, is this guy. I don’t know why she would be answering. Alright. She’s not going to know, but she’s going, I don’t know what he’s talking about. She might know. Do a thing at the end of this, reunite, the dvd extras are me and her, getting together. I just want to be left alone. If you ever watch the show on ABC, what would you do? The only reason that I would ever do something nice is because I’d be afraid to be on that show. Like they do something crazy like take a someone’s purse and see who says something, and that’s the only reason that I’d be like “well I don’t want to be on tv” some people stop it , some people don’t stop it but they still interview them, you can say no, n oyou can’t show that. Some people don’t mind, “hey do you mind if we show you being the worst person ever” yeah I’d love to talk about it, should we blur your face, no no no I want all my friends to know. I travel a lot which is great, being to a lot of different countries, it’s all wasted on me., better if you guys went. All wasted, I could be an hour from my parent or 5 days. I don’t know it somewhere, I went to baldrian, saudira arcaid, like it was this city of saurdia arabia, and they were like you know it’s own country, that’s good, good for them. I went to honduras. Pretty decent fanbase there, this special is going to blow that place up, wow, a lot of fans. It’s no. It was a uso tour so we went, and I remember we went to the airport and I told the guy that and he was like what city, and I was like oh god I’m just learning now that’s not the name of a city. Where do you think I would be going, which plane do you want me to get on. We land in a houndour and this guy picks us up driving us to the army base, and he’s like look there are a few things you need to look out for, one pspdiers, spiders will hide in your bed. He’s basically just like look you won’t sleep and he’s like there are a lot of snakes. Snakes too, venomous snakes, keep an eye out for snakes, but if you do get bitten by a snake the best thing to do is to catch the snake, and just be like this is the snake that bite me. And iw asl iek I’m not going to do that part of it, you want me to catch a snake, but then I get bit and I have to get it together and catch a snake for the first time, and he’s like it doesn’t matter if you’ve already been bit. And it’s like do you even know what a snake is? Because it completely matters. There is a huge difference between one bite and probably 30 bites which is where we will beat if I try to catch the snake. Who told you to say this the snake? Maybe you’re supposed to do that, I don’t even know. 

Here take the bag

I have no luck, making it this far has been great. And it’s I don’t believe in science, you know, that’s just, I don’t understand so it’s easier not to believe iti, that gets you out of a lot oufarugent, I don’ t believe in science, alright do you need help. Scientist could just be making stuff up, that would be a great job to have if you just want to make stuff up. Cause no one can challenge you, no one, isn’t going to say anything. They don’t even get in trouble if they mess up. The earth was 2 billions years old now it’s’ 4 billions years old, how many people got fired after that? They’re like nobody, really nothing, cause y’all were way off. I read that beetles are 320 million years old are they? Cause they could be doing that, I feel that your first job as a scinet, the beatles are, they’re just like go see how old beetles rae, when your new go see how old beetles re, the other scientist are back there like just write 320 million, who’s going to question that, we can change it at any point. Pluto, pluto not a planet, of it might be a planet they change it every five seconds, it’s crazy. That’s when I left scent, I’m out, you can’t jam Pluto down my throat all my life, and then the second I get out of school it is the planet, it affects me. In elementary school I got a c minus on a test because I forgot to put pluto. And turns out that I should have got above n a. That’s what I should have got. I should have been asked to teach the class, should have been teacher. Never believe in pluto said it’s too far, you guys will see. 

I know mommy’s funny

I love doing comedy. There was a time I was going to quit, I was going to quit early on, there was no one to quit to, no one. Here is why I do it, my dad is magician, still is a magician, started as clown, just I don’t want to come off like I come from some rich magic family, and I’m better than you guys, he paid his dues, his clown dues, it’s weird when your dad is clown, it’s weird everyday, I never trusted clowns. Have you ever been yelled at by a clown? Do you know how confusing it is to be screamed at by a guy that has a smile painted on his face? Cause it’s not the same clown that these kids are going to see outside, he was a clown till I was 12 to 13, and that’s about as long as you want your dad to be clone. When your 6 and 7 there are perks but when you 12 13 kids at school are like is he still doing that? You’re like you know off and on, guys, yeah he’s almost full time magic. I, like, it’s funny when I tell people my dad was clown, people just like, I hate clown, hey, hey remember that time I just said my dad was clown, I just said. I hate your father. 

Now let daddy work

I watched this thing on an animal planet once about it was about buying tigers. Like you can buy tigers, like you guys want a tiger there’s a guy you can go to and you can buy a tiger, and they did some undercover reporting and saw where they got tiger,s and they asked him afterwards hey do you think it’s too easy to buy a tiger in this country and he’s like yeah, yeah it is. THat was my favorite part, because I didn’t even know you could buy tigers. I would have been embarrassed to ask. I watched this and I was like I don’t even really have to jump through hoops to buy a tiger, it’s not an all day thing it’s an hour. And everyone wants to get rid of guns but that makes me nervous because if you take guns away from people those are the exact same people who will buy tigers. You try to give them their gun back and they’ll be like, no I’m good, my tiger is way better than my gun, my bun missed all the time, my tiger never misses. And even if he does it’s not for long. Like if a guy dodges his tiger, “your dumb tiger missed” well he didn not he is righ behind you now and he is furious so. You know that saying that guns don’t kill people people kill people, it will just be like, tigers kill people. Do you know where you tiger is by chance, you dont know that’s a problem. I love doing comedy. It’s great and I like to let everyone know. We’re about done. I think it makes you feel better, alright thanks, like how many movies do you go to and then like what if a guy just poops on screen like, uep it’s about to wrap. Okay two more seconds. Thanks man, that was you know. 

I love you Harper

I drink too, which isn’t like, that guy drinks we have pretty big problems, ,just us two. It’s uh, I don’t know if I’ve had a sign that I should quit drinking. I did a shot that was 3 hours outside of phoenix Arizona. It was at an Indian casino. I don’t know if you’re supposed to say that. I don’t know. I don’t know what you’re supposed tos ay. It was casino there was a crazy amount of indians there. SO I, I go, I drive three hour drive to middle of nowhere I do the show then I go to bed. Had to get up at 7 am, be a normal person. Then I meet this Indian dude and we drink till 5am. It’s like a hundred and ninety degrees. I’m just questioning everything I’ve ever done in my life, and then I look up and there is a wolf, a real wolf, in front of my car. I’m just looking around because I’m expecting someone to be like sorry my wolf got out, and it’s just staring at me, like I Don’t know how to make a wolf leave. Like get out of ehre wolf. So I’m just staring one he’s looking at me, and I’m like, wait , that ‘s the Indian dude I was drinking with last night. Is he a wolf. It wasn’t him, the wolf left. The wolf angered off, and then this happened and it doesn’t seem real cause it happened back to back, and then a helicopter lands in front of me, there is no one else on the road. But me and this helicopter and it picks up a guy and flies off. Like I should have videoed it it is the craziest thing I have ever seen. Like I’m honking at the helicopter like of all days you shouldn’t’ have hoovers for just a second and let me get under. The other one I had is uh I got real drunk and then I locked myself out of my hotel room completely nacked. I’ve done that in my two year old daughter’s lifetime. So uh if she hears this, and she’s like oh is that college, n it was when you were the most depend on me. Here’s a look, why I was sleeping naked you just sleep naked when you’re drunk, but I was like gotta try. Then I remember I gotta to put the do not distribute sign on I walk and I open the door, do not disturb sign you can crack the door, but acting like I was moving a couch outside, just opening it with my body , then I step outside and hear the doro shtu which is the most sobering noise I’ve heard in my life, this is not good at all, walk outside, and I’m just a real do not distribute sign for the whole hallway. I was like don’t come down here, we’re not ready. So I’m standing there and I’m like alright what are you going to do, there was a window, I could jump out of that, it’s easier than having to explain that to my wife, and then I look there is a cleaning lady and she’s there because it’s 11m, that’s how far in the day it is. And I’m just looking and I don’t have a body like, when she sees it you’re welcome, it’s like I’m sorry. And I looked at her and she knew what I Needed. I looked at her liek happens to the best of us right. And she looked at me like this does not happen. She just let me back in my room and I told my comici buddies they tried to make me feel better. But I’m like I bet I’m in her top three. She might walk in on people naked, but then nobody charges at her naked. No one comes up to her like you’re the most important person in my life right now. And I need you to be on board with all of this, don’t ask questions. I’ll mix it up, cause you know you gotta lose weight, you ever do vodka soda when you want to lose weight, then you drink it like beer and wake up in the street, but you’re like I’m not bloated, that’s nice. Guys. Thank you so much for coming out. Unbelievable 

I know these last jokes were on Yelled at by a Clown

(This is the joke about a guy pretending to be blind in a diner, and then Nate realizes that he is really blind. It’s on Yelled at by a clown, which is transcribed on this website, look through the Nate Bargatze tag) 

And yes I should write more. It’s hard. 

(this is the last track on yelled at by a clown– which is also transcribed on this website  about playing a prank on a friend in a mcdonalds, where he takes a bite out of his friend’s burger)

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