Liza Treyger – Glittercheese
Oh hello Yahh!
So happy to be here, how is everyone? I’m so, so excited ,I love being here, it’s just like, I’m so happy to be in Chicago it’s so surreal. When I started to stand up, at open mics, I would keep a case of beer in my truck, and to make friends I would just be like “got a case of beer in my truck” it’s’ pretty fun. I just moved to New York last year, I miss alleys, it’s so hard to pee in public. I also just like, you have to walk everywhere, and when it’s warm out and my thighs touch, it hurts. It’s just been a real hard transition for me. I’m happy to be back, hung out with my parents, Ate Chicago hot dogs, and did some drunk driving. All Chicago hits.
Pregnant women are gross
Also like if you’re in a couple, I’m going to need you to hold hands. For sure. I feel like I’m into pda, couples that don’t hold hands are the worst for me, it’s like thin people who don’t dress well. You do not deserve that. Maybe that’s my own problem. No, I’m trying to get skinny. I’ve been eating a lot of seaweed paper. I’m on it. I did just get a personal trainer, you don’t just get one, you meet with this head guy, and he’s like what kind of trainer do you want. Male female what’s your style of working out. I want a big muscular black man, why wouldn’t I want to work out with anyone else? And then he was like, well we have this African dude, and it felt really weird to be like yeah I’ll take him. But. Kafi is doing good, he’s so hot. No, but I still get kind of insecure when I go to the gym, because people look so good. So I started doing this new thing where I tell people you have children and then they’re really impressed with my body and they love it. Yeah, little Emma, there’s 3 mold glia monsters. She’s reading, I’m such a good mom. No, ugh, i would never have kids, it’s fucking disguising. So gross. Pregnant women are so gross their belly buttons are growing away from them. This is the thing, there are three types of people I don’t trust in the world, one people that eat almonds, no fucking yeah just a handful of almonds I’m good for the day, fucking liar I don’t trust you. I also don’t trust people with reptiles as pets. Have you ever met one normal person that likes to touch lizards? And then the third worst type of person, uh, my pregnant wife is so beautiful and sexy, I love to make love to my pregnant wife. Like he’s murdered before, get out of there. And they all want gifts for their baby, I feel like getting a gift for a baby is like giving someone in a coma a new dress. They don’t know how to use it, they’re not goin to remember it, and they’re going to shit all over it, so don’t do it.
But i don’t hate kids though, I’m actually a back up nanny, I know thank you. It’s kind of like if the nanny can’t come to work. I come to work> people are like you’re an American hero, I’m like c’mon. But I love it, because I kids are just like so easy to make happy, I always bring bubbles that’s my thing and kids with bubbles are the best, they’re just like jumping, swinging, shrinking, shrinking or fuels. For me to be that happy, I’d have to be eating brie cheese, watching the Mindy project and getting furiously fingered. They’re just like bubbles! It’s pretty cool. But there are downsides to the worst part about working with kids, is when they need help with their homework, oh is that decimal point I can’t help you, where my sociology majors at! okay , cool a couple receptions in the house, cool. No but this one time I had to babysit a 12 year old, and obviously like that’s problem what 12 year old needs to babysit, put a celeste pizza in the microwave call it a day you died. I was there. And, so, I like, this kid opens the door 12 years old, and goes you look like you’re on a budget. Oh cool, how did you know I was going to steal all the gummy vitamin, I’m taking them all, American cheese slices.
I don’t know. I mean. Ugh. I do feel bad for my parents sometimes, for sure. Like I just promised them I would be so rich by now. I have so many memories as a little girl, just being like, pops don’t worry when I’m twenty I’m going to be so rich and famous. I’m going to get you cataclysm, vacations, everything you want. When I’m 20 don’t worry about it. And then I Turned 20 and I called my dad, “Oh did you get me a catalytic” and I was “oh no, I’m in jail” so uh, Change in plans I’m going to need more money. Um the person who laughed before, she was in jail with me. I just can’t stop going to jail. I meant what happened was. It was just too fun. There was a delicious cheeseburger once, and I was like I just gotta go back. No I meant, life is about lessons. I learned don’t take your shirt off in a white socks game. It was just too exciting. I was just like ahh nachos and a helmet. Oh there at all the stadiums. I like to party, there is nothing I can say I just like. What am I going to do, read books? I don’t think so. I’m young and fun what would I do that for? I stopped doing coke on weekdays, so that’s good. I don’t even like cocaine to be honest but what happens is, I’m with a group of people. And they’re all doing cocaine, and I tell them I’ve never done cocaine. They give it to me pretty fast. Recently, ugh, I was out at a bar. And this guy next to me was ordering fireball shots, but the bar was out of it because I drank it all, So he looked at me, what’s another shot that tastes good. I was like this is my moment. I was like Rumplemintz! Rumplemintz! Tastes good, goes down smooth, Four shots in you’ll be blacked out. You won’t remember a thing. And then he looked at me and was like I want to remember stuff. Guess we’re into different stuff. Weird
no one of my favorite party moments. Me and 13 of my friends, we took a stretch navigator limo to a Miley Cyrus concert, what up girl, and uh, it was so cool I don’t know if you’ve ever disappointed hundred of teen girls before, but getting out of Alamo at Miley concert. Yeah. It is, definitely, the way to disappoint them, just like, as we were getting out, a sea of sad crop tops. Just like why, who are those old women. I had to be like your future, this is it parties jals. You guys are so fun for clapping so much did my parents pay you, so fun, so yeah then it was a few of us and we went inside the venue and I heard these teens behind us go, whose spends five dollar on a water bottle that’s so lame, who spends that much in water that’s so lame, and I had to turn around be like old women on molly that’s who. Um we’re so thirsty. And you’re very pretty just so pretty. Highschool bodies. They look so good. But anyways, yeah and then I was feeling confidence because obviously the drugs but also, I had this Betsey Johnson dress from TJ maxx so I was feeling pretty good about myself, and I walked out of the bathroom. And what I heard was, you look really hot, and what I said was thank you. Do you like my dress and when your dress is fine, and I don’t know what you think you heard, but I said you look very high, oh cool, cool cool cool good eye. What are you an umpires get the fuck out of here, but do you want to make out?
Have sex with me/jew
That was so frustrating. I do feel like I get rejected a lot like more people should want to have sex with me, I kind of complain about it a lot it’s part of my personality, people love it a lot, they love it. It’s just annoying I just expected more people to fuck me as an adult, it gets me down a lot. It’s probably the jewy part of me, complaining about eating bagels. If you fulfill a lot of Jew stereotypes for sure, i just hate it when people think jews are cheap it’s not true, jews aren’t cheap what happen is that Jews aren’t cheap it’s just that history has taught that we need to save our money for he next time everyone wants to kill me. I want to afford a plane ticket no trains for me. I have a fun fact well it’s’ not fun, but it’s a fact, my grandparents on my mom side did meet at concentration camp. So my grandma and grandpa my mom  June 9th 190909 the only question i have for my grandpa was damn dude how much game did you have. Wow that’s incredibly getting pussy in the holocaust way to go, way to go. So impressive. So impressive. Can’t even take anyone out, you know. I just wished he passed down any of that game to me, I don’t’ have it, it’s so frustrated to me, and whenever I complain bout not getting fucked enough, my guy friends are just like, you can do it, just go to a bar, whatever. Just put on makeup put on a dresses go to a bar and get fucked. I’m like oh no yeah I get that, I just though there would be another option and then when I’m out, they’ll be like oh my god that guy totally wants to have sex with you, yeah but he’s wearing flip flops and laying on the cement, I guess I should just feel so lucky. They are not allowed to have standards, also it’s not a playing field. Okay so I’ll go out with my good friend, so hot, she’s so hot. Disney princess hair, dresses well, decorates her room well, and, she’s smart and school and when we go out the men that hit on her, uhh, do you have uneven arms, get the fuck away from her, how dare you, how dare you talk to her, she has a boat your arms are different lengths how are you so confidant. And also why are there so many pockets in your shorts, men are just so confidant it’s annoying, the amount to f hairy buts run across my bedroom, just leaping across my bedroom with the weirdest patterns. I have three chin hairs, I cry at least three times a week about it. Like it’s not fair, and the thing is, it’s just like it’s not what I expected. I wasn’t ready for it. Titanic was obviously a big part of my life. It’s just, it didn’t track. I remember in fifth grade, fifth grade is when titanic came out, I just remember watching titanic being like wow I can’t wait to grow up and start fucking this looks great. She got a drawing of necklaces, she got to do that on a boat. It was just so much fun, so much fun. Then I grow up and just like, if I touch one more dick on an air mattress I’m going to lose it. I’m going to lose it. One more deflating air mattress I’m going to lose. Just can’t take it, just so many confidence dog walkers everywhere, it’s annoying. So annoying to me, and like the thing is, also it’s not like I have super high standards, like I’ve had sex with my friends’ da, I’m cool I’m chill I’m down. No that was the worse, he had so much trouble breathing, he hated it. He kept calling missionary traditional. Please let me go home, I just want to go home.
Ugh the worst
Yeah I like the it’s just disaster out there, the last guy i had crush on I invited him out, eh was super cute, and then the night of the show he asked for a second ticket, oh great he’s taking a date to his show, then he didn’t his guy friend had a ponytail, which is upsetting. Just like, really? But then it hit me, it’s probably a friend from childhood, like you don’t make new friends with ponytails. Uhg. I like that he had a long lasting friendship. I also met this guy online recently. It was super fun, text chat, good times, then I got a text from him that said, hey please send a picture of your hands and feet, and so I stopped texting him. Then a few days later i got a text that said, hey are you still alive, and i sent back oh yeah and I intend to keep that way. So, no thank you. And then this, this guy, I’m telling you so many diseases, so quickly, mom and dad are here too, so exicint. Oh god. But yeah this other guy we liked each together it was fun he was cute, and we were making out and he kept trying to have sex with me, and I didn’t want to but he kept trying. I was like oh no, and then after like 40 minutes of making out, and then he looked at me and was like hey Liza quit being stingy with your pussy, did you think that was the line that was going to work, I mean it did, but what are you going to do, so this is going to be really gross like if you’re eating tots or something stop, the foods good here. But take a break this is gross, but like, if you’re a guy and you want to go down on a girl on her period like I’m not goin to stop by how fat were you as a child? What do you have to prove? We get it, you love women. Chill out. That’s just the thing is, I’m very happy to be a woman alive today. I know how lucky I am to be alive today, because I know if this was 200 years ago I would be a burnt witch for sure. For sure. No doubt in my mind. But is’ just like little things that bother, little ones, like I wish that more men got raped more often , just like little thing, not so much for the raping but I just love lessons. I love lessons and I would just love to being the police station um and a guy comes in oh no I’ve been raped, and the cop was like oh no what happened. Oh you know after work i just went to work and after got drinks and walked home reflecting on life and i just want the cop to say welp you shouldn’t’ have out alone and it was late and you have gel in hair, you don’t put gel in your hair unless you want to get fucked, so don’t’ don’t look so cute. You won’t get raped. He would say that. But also like don’t talk to cops, don’t do it. I feel like, if a cop was smart, he’d be a detective. Why would you do that.
I also feel, no, just little things, you know white men. You’re the worst. You’re the worst. No I know, you’ve been getting really hard, you just can’t handle the blogs. It’s so fun watching white men just can’t handle criticism. This year has been great but no really, if you’re a white man and you’re not successful there is nobody worse than you. Nobody. Nobody. If you are white man and you don’t have a 401, walk into the river because you’re useless, oh what, you can’t navigate the society made for you, what are you doing, what are you doing, maybe you stop chasing around the Stanley cup and take a photo next to it. You’re all meeting hit trophies. Uh god. It’s just, what is cool about being a white dude, is that you don’t really represent your group. Like if you see a bad driver and then that driver is a women, uhgh women can’t drive. And like I’ve hit two pedestrians before, but that shouldn’t represent everybody it should just represent me., Asians oh you must be good at math lesbian you build stuff, everyone has a thing but white dudes you are just willy nilly like every casthphiy on the planet has been caused by you. Every bad thing on the planet has been you but you still get to order apetitize and like to go to brunch. Riding a bicycle it’s pretty fun. It’s all the world’s problem have been caused by weird dicked men, because a woman you are pretty used to being judged by your looks and body but for a man you can’t pilate your way to a normal dick. But as a man it’s like ahh, I got a weird dick I’m going to eliminate the middle class. You know. That’s economics right. My dick bends weird I’m going to invade a country next it you’re face to face with a weird oh sorry I don’t support geocide I’m gonna go, but thanks for the attention I needed. The worst is like. No, but I get a lot of dick pics because I ask for them. You’ve got to. The worst is like when you get a dick pick and you’re like oh okay, and then you show up and you’re like I don’t know what dick you sent me but it’s’ not that one, that’s just such a fucked thing to lie about. Cause you want me to touch I’m goin to see and why would you do that, and this one guy told you me you won’t’ understand it’s’ so easy for you girls get wear makeup and pans and push up bra, and like get that i get to what a push up bra, but like no one is trying to stick a tit in you., I’m so glad you’re laughing that joke never works. God nothing to lose at this point they gave me the cd what are you going to do.
It is weird. I know I’m like men boo blah. I did have an experience recently that really fucked with my worldview. It was me and 3 of my gal pals who went to Cleveland on business. That’s a joke. There’s nothing there. Just one good soup restaurant, and bunch of pot holes, so yeah, Yea it was the four of us gals, and the whole car ride we were like we’re the best women in the world we deserve nothing but the best. Feminism. Women women. And then we filled my car up diesel. Um. oh no. oh no. um. So yeah once we were breaking down on the Indiana highway we called triple a immediately please send a man we need a young handsome man, and you know they sent this cop over and was so condensing. Ladies, they usually make the diesel nozzle bigger, what happened. And we couldn’t be like, oh officer we’ve been smoking blunts all day. So, we had to think really fast and come up with, yeah sorry we’re sluts we know how to get it in. that’s the best case scenario. We’ll make it work. So I’ve decided that I’m just goin to be a casual feminism now, yeah like I want to be respect and have the same opportunities as men, but carry my luggage it’s so heavy, but I’m also call all the time, I don’t’ know why I wouldn’t be casual about that. My friends sometimes call me a jap, which is an acronym for Jewish American princess, and that too, is that the first time you’ve heard that owe. Anyone else. Oh wow. Just a few. Where? Yeah yeah yeah, everyone else didn’t clap. Remember. They all knew, where do you grow Virginia, yeah that’s probably it. That’s it. I’m sure you have some other names down there though. But yeah I get called a jap which is Jewish American whatever. So, um, yeah maybe I’m a jap but I’m a causal japo like I have a Marc Jacobs bag but there’s weed and cigarettes in it. Yeah I used to work with this friend and he’s black and gay so obviously he’s mean. And, I’m a jew so no work got done just gossip. Trah trah . while we were working he would say the crazes shit to me, hey Anne frank get back to work, hey brush your hair you jewish whore, he just wanted me to look good but then one time he said Hey didn’t the holocaust tell you to shut the fuck up. And then I had to remind him, you’re black and gay you life will always be worse than mine, you your being auditing I steal all the time, nobody cares. No but I’ve been a feminist for a long time, it was junior high, and I was like what do feminist do, so AI joined the all boys football team. And I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a situation where everyone hates and wants to beat the shit out of you and when they beat the shit out of you they get a sticker on their helmet, but it’s haunting. Still to this day I hate watching football. I hate it. I don’t want anything to do with football nd still to this day i need get hit during sex and then I need fruit snakes and Gatorade.
Honestly what it boils down to, and this going to sound creepy but it wasn’t creepy it was a really good guy friend of mine. And i was hanging out with him and he was like what’s it like to give a blow job, what’s it like for a woman? What’s a woman’s point of view? And I was like I don’t know, if you like the guy it’s pretty guns and greet. And he went oh, how many guys do you don’t like dicks’ have you sucked oh umm, it’s not zero. Oh no. um. That is a really sad realization to have about yourself. I’m a feminism, I have great parents. I want to be a great role model to my niece, how do I have dicks in there that I don’t want in there? That’s crazy. That’s so crazy. And like, I’m not anyone to blame, to blame for my decision or life, but I do wish I had better sex lesson, better sex-ed as a girl because all i remember from health class was just like accident prent disease. Every time you have sex with someone you rip a pedal off the rose, until your just a theory stick is that what you want to give you your husband just a thorny dried up stick. How dare you how dare, that esxx isn’t for her, that she has to be five to some dude. I feel like the only lesson girls should be taught in sex ed is, if your not coming nobody’s coming. And that’s it. Oh. ahs this dude no made you cum, don’t touch his dick, don’t touch it. Don’t touch it. And if your date is not laughing get a new date, get a new date. Fuck the worst. It’s like, men cum so often you have to invent new places to cum, towels rags, socks, blankets, constantly cumming learn how to fingerbang, it’s so easy to me, the worst is when your having sex with someone and you’re just like, please don’t cum inside me please don’t cum inside, then they cum in your mouth, and it’s’ like i see what you did there, still inside but good one. I just want a guy with a sense of humor. No the craziest though is, are you alright, you’re wearing flip flops never mind. I’m so excited. So excited. The crazy thing is when, I went o Christian Evangelic college, which is crazy cause I’m jewish, but also like gods not real, it’s’ weird. There is this girl I went to Christian college with and and I’m friend with her on facebook and she posts I wish swallowing wasn’t so important. And I was like whoa this is wild, but then i looked at all the comments, oh hope you feel better, drink some soup. I’m sorry you’re sick, and I was just like, wow no comment was just like spit you idiot. You guys have been so much thanks for coming. And hope some of you brought Molly and I’ll see you at an old town ale house after this. Thanks guys.