Chad Daniels – Natural Selection transcribed
Hello, hello. Hello. Hello. Hi, hi, I got one of these for everyone. That’s how I do comedy. Come out and say hi to everyone, and then it gets weird cause I start asking personal questions. Two weeks ago I went golfing and finally beat my wife, those are two separate things. I got home she was like, are you golfing again, I fucking lost it, I lost my mind, I’m dressed like an asshole what do you think. Course I was flogging, I obviously did not beat my wife, but she bugs the hell out of me sometimes, and I’m sure that if she was a comedian she would open with that exact same sentence. About me so I think it works. She has a PhD in genetics, but that’s it. She doesn’t have a PhD in everything even though you wouldn’t know that by talking to her. Many PhDs think they’re smart, about one thing, you’re smart at one thing. Here’s why it bugs me, one time she said what would you ever do without me? I’m a grown up, I have my own money, what would I do without you? Bring to the cemetery once a year. Sorry, I don’t have time every month, but I’m a single father of two because you text and drive. That’s a shitty question. I work on the road by myself. Away from her, what does she think happens, I just curl up in the hotel room in the bed until someone gets me. Oh thank god you came, I didn’t know what to do, I don’t know if you heard my wife isn’t there. So scared. What would you ever do without, that’s a question men don’t ask women, because we don’t give a shit, that’s a fact if we left it’s for a reason. I know what my wife would do without me, she’d take showers with hard water because she doesn’t know we have a softener in our house. We lived there for eight years, I have brought five green bags of salts to the basement monthly and she has not once asked me what it is for. And I know why, it’s because she doesn’t want to help bring it down satis, but I could have killed more 100 hookers and she’d be none the wiser. The green bag killer strikes again. That’s what would be happening.
You know what I would do without my wife, I would raise my kids to be at least this old. I’ve done it. I’ve gotten a human being to this age. I would do it two more times and retire, parenting isn’t that hard when you think about it, that confuses me because we used to live in caves. We got out without books. That doesn’t make any sense, cause you’re raising a person, you’re a human raising a smaller human, you’ve been through whatever they’re going through, you just cut out the shit you did. Like my daughter is nine years old, that’s when girl start getting real bitchy at school, locking elbows, you don’t have new shoes fuck you sluts not in my group you don’t have unicorn on your folder hope you have someone to sit w3ith at lunch, cause girls are real bitchy, then you get married and they won’t warry salt down stairs. My son is 14, I know that he’s probably going to have to go up in front of fi class to speak at one point cause take some duct tape in case you have to tape your dick down. I know that. I can help with that cause I’m a human being. I’ve never been a turtle, if a turtle comes to my house I’m going to need a book. Need to know what to feed them, and how to cox them out of the shell. That’s different though because I’m not a turtle. People re so dumb, I could never have kids, I couldn’t even keep a plant alive. Well you’re not a goddamn plant, you don’t have to know photosynthesis to keep a child alive. You just make your food and cut it smaller. It’s so simple when you boil down, you put up a steak and put it in a plant you got a dead plant. You give it a child they’re going to grow stronger and thrive. It’s just so weird I don’t know how to raise a kid when you get thirsty just make sure they drinks some water, it’s just so easy I don’t understand where they dumb shit comes from.
I heard a woman once go “I’m sorry I’m late, I just had to give my kids tummy time” what’s tummy time “don’t’ you have two kids?” yeah. She goes you don’t know what a tummy time is, cause I don’t read books, I guess that’s when you put the baby on your belly for an hour and read it, so it develops back muscles. ” She goes “he needs it” okay, he needs it. I was like, well bullshit. Um, because I didn’t have tummy time and look what I can do, that’s like all back muscles, you ever see a grown man brawling around, oh no tummy time, sucks. I didn’t give my kids tummy times, when they wanted to roll on their back they fucking figured it out. That way, I’m never gonna live with 10 years who goes, dad come roll me over, not doing that shit, got stuff going on. We’re never going to get better because of people that read books and have tummy time. We’re not. There’s too much safety with that, when we were in caves, the dumbs kids would wander off and fall off cliffs, we needed that to happen to get the dumbs kids out of the way to get to read books. Now that doesn’t happen because parents that read books don’t let their kids fall off cliffs anymore. If a little kid’s next cliff, they’re wearing a backpack that looks like a monkey with a leash on it, and the mom is like get away from the cliff getaway! But you’re fucking with science you got to let that kid go, that’s on you as a parent but let me tell you something. If you’re walking with a kid and they’re walking on ground and then they’re not on the ground and they keep walking, we don’t need that fucker on our team. That’s a fact that’s natural selection jack. I just made adults clap at the thought to dumb kids dying, do you understand how important I feel right now. I feel really important, like I could probably make you guys come up to the roof with me and jump. Some of you probably have dumb kids at home. And for humanity, you’re gonna need to let them go. That’s hard for me to tell you, the good thing is you get o have a lot of sex to have a smart kid. I’m’ going to ask you to try harder this time. Maybe take your pants all the way off. Because when dumb kids’ are alive, when they get older they have babies with other dumb people, USA, USA, of course there is a Walmart in every time dipshit didn’t fall off the cliff. Now he likes to do all his shopping in one spot before the race.
My wife treats me like an idiot sometimes, and I want to be clear I have earned it. Sometimes it’s inappropriate I think, other times it’s not. My son worked really hard to make the traveling baseball this year, and it was my job to take him to get his pictures. The only job I had this whole summer was to bring a boy to get his picture taken, now I will say that it was early in the summer so it wasn’t like I had the whole summer to get prepared, so that wawa part of the problem. But I forgot, I didn’t bring him to his picture and my wife was like, I can’t believe that you suck shit, well guess what, my son sucked shit at baseball all summer and now there was no proof he was even on the team. That is plausible deniable on graduation day, remember when you went to 43, no I don’t. Well you’re right here in the picture. No I’m not. Thank dad, your mother would have had you there half an hour early with hair combed like a douche. You know that, you’re welcome.
Dad’s Can’t, Probably
Society makes dads look like idiots all that I’m. There is a commercial on where the dad is like, I’m going to put up these venetian blinds., then ten minutes later, he’s stuck in. Fuck you no one has been stuck in venetian blinds. The only reason he’s putting up benediction blinds is because his wife started it and then was like I don’t think the drill is charged, can you do the rest of it? Oh you didn’t like that, well it happens all the time. Women are project starts, well I drilled a hole done. Yeah see, she looked at her, you looked back at her. There was a confirmation that happened at the front table here. They’re happy here. Some of are denying it. Fuck you. I don’t know. Fuck you. I have never started. Well, fucking, you rated the sentence and didn’t finish it. Because if I got all worried and there was a drilled involved. I don’t think this is a sentence. I like how I accuse a fake women of not finishing a sentence, and I’m the problem. There are other things, there are double standards. If a dad leaves a family those kids are bastards, if a mom leaves a family they didn’t even come up with a word for that, cause they never thought it would happen. That’s a double standard right. That’s because women don’t abandon their children. I agree with  you drown them. I mean, you cans get mad, but the stats don’t lie. Dads leave moms get even, and it’s fucked up. Real fucked up. I ask you, I honestly ask you. What would you rather say on your tenth birthday< i wish my dad was here, of blublublu, blu… blu. I’m not going to tell you how to think that’s why AI gave you options but I think in this case it’s clear, I miss my dad. My wife treated me like an idiot one time we were at the food court. She goes, I’m going to go over here and get a sandwich, do you need some help getting the kdis some food, fuck no. I know how to buy food you t wat, what. You’re covering your face like, your covering your that. I’m a grownup and I don’t need help buying food. It’s not like I’m going to go up there hey can I have one of those, what’s that I need money”? I didn’t know that I’m just a dad, let me go get the mom, she knows everything, can I leave the kids here or do I have to take them with me? I don’t know what to do, my dick doesn’t let my brain work all the way. Can someone grab my wife? She’s the one in the cape, c’mon that’s ridiculous, she was at the food court where there was only one set of footprints because that’s where she carried me.
We SHould Knock
I know my wife doesn’t think I’m a complete idiot because she let me put two babies inside of and she’s’ very good at genetics. And now she needs my help sometimes, because now we have a teenage boy at home and her body didn’t go through those changes. Thank goodness, but mine did, so she’s gotta come ask the expert. When my son turns 13, she goes, oh our son became a teenager now what are we gonna do, well we are going to knock. Forest and foremost we are going to knock, even if the door is open reach around and give it a tap. Because he might be reaching around and giving it tap because teenage boys are the most disgusting creatures on the face of the earth. Monkeys throw their own shit at you and I’d rather be living with one of those. Because I’m scared to touch anything in the house, I open the radiator with my foot because I didn’t know if he had sex with it when I wasn’t home. Cause 98 percent of the guys before their parents got home from work went to that little space between the couch customs and thought maybe. Hmmm. that might feel right. Uh. deer god what is that velvet? Some women re looking at me like I’m such a creep, enjoy dildos women. You’re fucking a not person you think it’s more Christian because god can follow the tracking number? My son came out of his room one day with some laundry, and uh and my wife said set it down I’ll do it, and he said nope, I’ll probably do it. And she said I don’t want you breaking the washing machine and I said I don’t want you sticking your hand in your own son’s seman, because that seems like it would be something that would make a woman less sexy. And if you take the sex away from in my house you can start dropping the kids off at their new palace, because we had a deal. And that deal was I get to have sex with her forever, and she get to twirl around in a white dress one night. Best part was her dad financed the whole thing. How great is that, he paid for it. I call him the wingman. He has no idea what I’m talking about. He has no idea what I’m talking about. Yeah right I’m the wingman! If he’s ever on his deathbed, I’m just going to lean down and whisper thanks for all the pussy. Beep. What did you say to him? I said he doesn’t have to be strong anymore, just let go, and he trusts me so he did it.
I did not tell my son about wet dreams. Nobody told me about wet dreams, and it’s not like I’m trying to get back at him or anything, but I remember how interesting that morning was and I want him to get to experience that. Cause if you don’t know you’re going to have a wet dream and you do, get blood pumping a bit. Get’s your detective skills going. It’s Not like you set your alarm early, you get up at the exact same time you just have lots of extra stuff to take care of. I remember the first time I had a wet dream I had no idea what was going on, just like, ohhh my god I think I cracked my hip open. Is that bone marrow what is on my leg. Did I roll over onto a cinnamon roll what is happening in this bed right now. I can still hear my mom yelling upstairs, you’re going to miss the bus. I’m up in my room, it’s not piss, okay. It’s not. No. Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare make that noise. If you’re a woman and you’re old enough to be in here drinking and you’ve never tasted seman you’re not a good person. And you did that to you. You did that. I will accept lesbian, as an exception. If you’re a man and you’ve never smelled your own seman, you’re the creepiest in the room. That’s a weird kind of homophobia. That’s gay! No un that’s mine. What do you think is goin to happen. You’re going to need more, just running through the park, jerking off a homeless guy I need more! Oh my god, I need a different flavor what the fuck, jerry pop the bug. That’s not what happens. And why was that homeless guy’s dick so big. I almost gave myself tennis elbow fake jerking a dick off. Be a weird story, if you’re wearing a swing around town, what happened to you. You know life or whatever. People always ask me, if I’ve given my son the sex talk but never if I’ve talk to him about wet dreams. Give him the sex talk give him the sex talk no body asks him, hey one time you’re going to go the bathroom at night and you’re going to think your doing it to urinal but you’re not. Your ejactlating. Onto your person. And when you wake up your penis is going to be stuck to your stomach. There was erection for 6 hours, and now it’s ripping off your stomach. Talk. that’s my favorite part of my set, cause I get to look around and see a lot of guys like I remember that, and I can see some women looking like that is disgusting, and I agree but you guys bleed from your vagina, I’m not saying that one is better than the other, but if we’re making a list of gross shit let’s throw both of them up there. At least my son’s nocturnal emission doesn’t put lives at risk when he’s swimming in the cornea, don’t get mad, I’m not saying don’t ever swim in the ocean I’m saying if your dress is itchy and you’re feeling bitchy that day stay out of the ocean. Go to the flip flop shop and get a shell necklace or some shit, there are other people on vacation who know how to use a calendar. Can you feel the anger in there. I can feel lazer beam sat my head. I didn’t invent the period you know that right? That wasn’t my doing, there is a very very realistic story explaining how the period started. There is a man in the woods and his ribs popped out of the body, and that rib became a woman, yeah. That makes sense to me. I can get my mind around that, what happened next you ask, well an armless snake, handed her an apple. Still making sense to everybody cause it sure does to me. And she bit the apple and her vagina explode, all of that makes to me. The part of that that I don’t get is that she didn’t ask to talk to a manager because that sounds like the worst case of food poison., Um excuse me, I was doing this, and can you look at this. Can I get some coupons. I want you to know I’m not shitting on the bible or any religion. AN armless snake handed her an apple that’s what happens. You couldn’t’ have went with a salamander, no one knew how to spell salamander, fuck it we’re going with snake. So easy. I think my favorite part of this new ejection theme goin goin in my house is that my son only thinks it can happen when he’s sleeping. Hey where are you going, to take a nap. Well go get em. Put a sock on it with less laundry. Not telling you how to live your life, just letting you know I’ve been there, cause I’m a human.
I think my favorite story about my son happened when he was 123, he spelled out the phrase hairy pensis. He misspelled the phrase hairy pensis. What were youtube surprised or did you really not hear ? What, he did, that didn’t seem. He’s talking bout the bible a second ago, now his son is gay. No he misspelled the phrase hairy penises and I know that because I checked the browser history on my computer. So anyway just to let you guys know what is going on at my place. I get home one night and my laptop was shut and that concern me because it’s never shut, and my earlier I heard my daughter talking about, how hot the battery gets, and how cool the criss cross pattern of the keyboard is so I thought she was going to make a panini, so I opened up the laptop and logged on and there it was. So I brought the computer into my son’s room, and I know he wasn’t sleeping because usually his head shots up and he looks through me and it scares the shit out of me. But this night he said, “what huh, father, you startled me. I must have drifted off into sleep and shut up you little asshole. Hey did you use my computer tonight, and here’s how a 12 year old boy denies something. They repeat all the words in the question along with the word no or something. Your computer tonight, no I don’t even know how to use it. Computer? Nun uh. You probably used it and forgot because you’re old. That’s right, I am old, so I am just goin to read off the browser history and you just let me know when you’re uncomfortable and want me to stop. BMX halfpipe. Halfpipe no, that’s not even a word you need a vowel to be a word dad. Yeah you do, god he’s so smart. YouTube how to fake break your ankle. Dad you I don’t have angles for a witch hunt. Good use of the term witch hunt. I’m for you. But not completely because you have ankle jackasses. Hairy penisis. I don’t even know what a penisis. I don’t either you little shit, but I know what you were trying to spell. Then he yelled at the top of his lungs I’ not gay. I don’t care if you are, that’s not why I’m in here. I came in here to tell you not to search that stuff on my computer, use your mothers computer for that. I was thinking just out of curiosity why did you search that? When I’m 12 I’m going to get hair on my penis and I want to know what it’s going to look like. So you put an apb on the world wide web do you know how embarrassing it is to be 50 percent responsible for that level of stupid. Buddy you can’t do that because someone is going to see that you’re searching for that and they’re going to invite you to a chat room and then they’re going to invite you down to the local park for some cotton candy and lemonade. And you’re part of me so you like at least one of those things. You go down the swirly slide you like, get to the bottom bam a hairy peniss right in your face. I said if you have a question about that stuff you have to ask me. Next words out of his mouth so what’s a dildo, so I told him it’s someone who misspells hairy peniss.
My son thinks he’s becoming a man and he isn’t and that’s very fun to watch. We’re waiting on the bus, He comes out of the room, goes “Hey can I use your deportee I forgot mine at school” and I’m like yeah just don’t get any pubes on it, and he goes “ I don’t even have any up there yet,” and I started laughing, not because he doesn’t have pubes I don’t care about that, it’s’ because who is that honest with their father ever, if I was 13, and my dad went “don’t get any pubes on it,” I would have cut my sideburns and sprinkled them onto the decorate. “Sorry about the pubes but I’m a man I can’t help it. All the new pubes pushed out the old pubes on your deodorant, I’m going to go build something before school” I started laughing, and I have cereal in my mouth and it was impossible, like whistling with crackers in your mouth it’s impossible! Because uh, cereal is saturated with milk, and when you laugh your tongue squishes up the milk and then it comes out and drips all over your soft chest well I don’t sleep with a shirt on which means I don’t eat breakfast with a shirt on, which means that I had milk all over these tis. And my wife walked around the convert, and went seriously and walked away. Hey what the fuck do you mean seriously, what do yuihiknk was going on here. You think I finished my cinnamon toast crunch and was like uhh yeah. My son came downstairs and goes hey just did fifty push ups, for what? In case I get in a fighting if you have to push yourself off the ground 50 times when you get in a fight, stay down you’re the worst fighter of all time. Then he goes I need a cell phone, what for emergencies?” Um, run bitch. Well all my other friends have them, well they can call the cops while you go hide in a bush. Brought my son to the movie theatre we got the pop and popcorn combustion, he went hey can you get a second straw, I went, what for, so we don’t touch your saliva, so I reminded him he came from the inside of my dick. I don’t have a lot of rules in my house but one of them is that you do not get to have a problem with my bodily fluids if you used to be one. You have millions of brothers and sisters on the towel on the bathroom floors that would be happy to share a drink with me in the movie theatre you selfish son of bitch. Sometimes I call my son a son of bitch just to call my wife a bitch. What’s wrong with you? He’s being a son gf a bitch, yeah he is, yeah you do! boom
I moved back to my hometown, just a while ago I was living just out of los angels, just to see how that is. And my son came home from beach summer camp, and he was like, hey bro we should go back to the beach yo, and I was like, I don’t like how this going so we moved home. Two weeks after we got there I had to go to my highschool football couric’s funeral. I leaned over the casket, and said you walk it off, who’s riding the pie now bitch. This is way too big of a crowd for that pussy ass response. He was dead that’s not very nice, well he was a fucking asshole so it was appropriate.to look at some of you, still fucking mad about that a=dam and eve bullshit five minutes ago. That was a real story and he sounded scarcasm. If I wanted to hear this I’d listen to an FM devil radio station. Not come out and spend my money. Comes out with a sweater and a collared shirt well he’s mean. He looks nice but he’s mean. If I could have pushed that caskett off the table, he was such a prick. You don’t lose dick status just cause you die, now you’re just a dead dick. When I moved back I had to deal with some people that I hadn’t seen in a while, this is pretty good example when I was in second grade I stole an 1898 silver dollar from my mother I didn’t know she collected coins I didn’t know it was important, I thought it was money I wanted rollos. I didn’t know it was important. I took it down to Ben Franklin, a craft store that was the closest place to my house that had rollos. I don’t know why you would name a craft store Ben Franklin other than that he did tie a key to aktie and if you’re doing mushrooms that does seem pretty crafty. I threw done the silver dollar the lady working there picked it up and went ohhh and then she took it and put it in her purse, and took a dollar and put it in her purse, essentially stealing from me, not telling me my mom was going to beat the shit out of me when I got home. Cut to me, moving back with my kids, I bought them back into ben franklin to buy some crafts, I thought to myself, you stole from a child he is man now bitch. I was thinking about getting a roll of fabric and knee capping her, but as I got closer to her I saw that she has drawn on her eyebrows, so either she is a Hispanic. What is wrong with some of you, like your going to sit up there in your padding seats where someone is bringing you booze and not laugh. Oh I don’t know what he’s talking about do you dear girl. Hispanic girls? No dear. It happens you piece of shit lies. Let’s go to the pie chart, if there was a pie chart of girls who draw on their eyebrows , it would Hispanic girls. You hear that clapping I bet it’s a hispanic lady. Tattoo on eyebrows cause she was sick of drawing them on, and you can’t beat that, cause she will cut you. And it will be quick and it will be precise, and you won’t even know it happened. Excuse me where are the puzzles, cut cut, oh shit I’m tired I gotta go. I am really tired, do you know, I’m just going to go in the parking lot and die, that’s the end of your life, and one know why you are dead, and no one knows why you are dead until the person performing your autopulse pulls something out form inside your ribs, eyeliner pencil. I will tell you the woman I was talking bout was not Hispanic she was an old white lady they also have some real estate on the pie chart. She was so old that if a little kid brought in a silver dollar now she would have erased her eyebrows and redraw them to go ohhhh, you can’t kneecap a woman that has to etch a sketch to show emotion. One time my mom goes, wondering how much that silver dollar is worth now, well not enough to retire from Ben fallin. Do you hear that? Some people are trying to clap because they came here to neolith to be asshole, but then there are other people around them like that. Why are you clapping for that? There is a woman working into the twilight of her life. Fuck you she stole from a child. Some of you are so nice, I love it, out there outside of here. I love you big heart. While I’m blind ,and I tell an awful joke, i want you to help me across the street, I want that kindness but no in here be an asshole with me. That poor woman, I should probably write a letter to the president of ben franklin talk about a solution, not the problem. This lady was alive before she was even aloud to work do you understand that. Look at some of you caring so much. And there are probably people that wave when you cut people off in traffic. You know I appreciate the out of you. Just a small little wave, hey, sorry I know I cut you off, I didn’t mean to, I make mistakes you make mistakes too. Today it’s my turn. We’re human beings, we’re doing it. Hello thank you, I fucking love that, interaction with human beings because there isn’t any more, they can comment on YouTube where is annoyminmit. 6scrotium9 that’s the fucking name you picked. You put the word scrotum between the number 69 and you think your opinion counts on youtube, and you know those people don’t wave, if you cut me off in traffic and don’t even look me off in traffic. Nope not going to wave, not waving. No way, that makes me wish I had an old metal car and I could just bone you in traffic. And I need you to know that I would aim for the baby on board sticker, because if you’re not waving the babys isn[t going to wav. Guess what, natural selection is right. If my name is natural, because I’m the one who selected it.
I saw a fat guy in a buffet. And I know I didn’t need to tell you all of those words. You’re like half of that sentence would have driven the point home. Maybe I could have said, I saw a fat guy, many of you would have thought I saw him at the buffet. If I had started it I saw a fat guy, the rest of you would have been like, I bet you saw a fat guy. So either way you do it, I think it’s pretty right on the money. I try not to make fun of fat guys, but oh my god it is, it 10-0 percent is, your not big boned your fat, you don’t wake up one day and go I got bit by a mosquito and I’m fat. This guy brought it on himself because he looked at my table and went, I’m about to get my moneys’ worth. I was like, oh what. You’re talkin about your insurance premium where we are going with this. We’re going to have to go to the hospital after you dip your steak in ranch. I want to be very clear about how fat I’m talking about here, I’m not, no one is here. I looked. I’m goin to be honest, and no one in here is that fat. If you’re under 50 and you make a noise when you sit, not like oh my god, no if you sound like you’re being murdered when you sit down. You’re too fat. Uh uuu. You’re too fat at that point you need to reevaluate what you’re doing. You shouldn’t be making that noise. Sitting Is the default to standing. You sit naturally when you get tired of standing, your ankles and news release, like a mraiatent, I want to be a real boy and you sit. You sit. It’s one of the easiest things you can do, it shouldn’t indeed be a stage and three points of contact. You shouldn’t’ need your hands bracing for uuu neeh. Too much, I shouldn’t be able to hear you and feel you. I can feel your breath and the hairs on my neck, it’s not great because I’m eating. You know what happens when someone makes a noise like that, they’re stomach is hitting their lap and there is nowhere for it to go. And so it forces everything up into the lunges, squeezing her lungs out of the body, their bagbibiping their own body you understand that. If you’re going to bagpipe your body just make it sound like an actual bagpipe, oh my god is it the () guy? I got a joke about it. It makes me upset, when fat people get stuff just because they lose w3ight. There is a show on tv called the biggest loser and the winner gets 250,000 dollars but there has never been a show on NBC called I’ve always been skinny where’s my money, it’s’ teaching our children you mess up fix it then you get money, well that’s a good lesson. I think. Jared from the subway is a millionaire because one day he decided to start eating the correct amount of sandwiches. Before he was like, I’m just goin to do a half. And they gave him a million dollars. Are you kidding me. And he brings his fat pants on tour with him and people are like how do you do it, if you bring your old clothes with you you are an asshole that’s a fact. I’m not up here like these are my baby shoes, I used to wear these. Fat people get to use electric carts at the grocery carts, I go hey can I use one those, and they’re no that’s for handicapped people, and then a fat guy drove by,d w3hat’s the deal with that? I go oh no no no, he’s fat, it’s different they and another word for it, because it wasn’t the same thing, that’s how our language is, when different stuff happened they didn’t just call it uhhh, and he’s fdat, not hanicapped that’s different. You see how it’s not the same word. If you can’t walk to get more food, no more food, that should be the rule. And I know some people are past that, put them on a moving side walk like they’re at the airport, but it only goes by the vegetables, yogurt and eggs, what about he ice cream get the fuck off and walk there. I know this isn’t nice, but there has to be stagesi to this, if you have to use a cart make the aisle too skinny to use. And we watch them bounce into them. I want a cookie onion commit. You have to get off your kart and get cookies but you have to be careful because you’re touching other shit with your body. Something falls, you get trapped. It’s like 127 hours, do I cut off my arm or eat these areas. It’s’ so easy to be fat, we’re encouraging people, it used to be hard. Now there are electric karts at the grocery store, there are needles for whatever fat people get, diabetes 2. I don’t’ fucking know, I’m not a doctor that’s obvious right, they have those needles anymore. It should hurt a little bit to be fat. It’s not fair that they can just be like, oh I can eat all these Cheetos no pain, but a little kid who gets attacked by a rabbit squirrel, has to get a needle like foot long shoved into their stomach. It’s so easy to fat, it’s’ so easy to dumb, there is a commercial on the tv right now here this women is looking an accient and the car applies it’s own breaks. That’s what we need, what’s need. She has two kids in the car! Hey fucking look. That should be the commercial she hits the car in front of her and her two kids being taken out on gurneys. FORD FOCUS. It’s’ just easy to be dumb we can’t cure cancer but a car stopped itself. I know people like a successful story that’s why they like fat and lose weight. She was hooked on meth and fine now, blah blah blah. Right, I’m just sick of hearing about the good job you did what you were supposed to do the entire time. It blows my mind, my mom is like it’s your seven year anniversary you coming over to have some cake, no no I’m not because i haven’t had my 28th anniversary of never goin to rehab anniversary and until that happens I’m eating cake at my house where the fat guys can’t get it. I want you to know my sister is going great, she’s married, graduated college, has housed two week old twins and that means she has three children in diapers at the same time, and that is going to take some meth. And I am just the guy to give it to her. Smell the flowers, oh what is that, it’s’ meth you’re hooked again. Welcome back, now peel an orange, meth heads can peel an orange in seconds. And they can get your drawstring back, if it falls in your pants. It’s’ really creepy but it’s’ helpful. I’m not kidding, you can’t figure out a puzzle, hire a meth head, in two second they’ll be like I’m done where’ the meth, okay you’ll need to leave my house and get away from my children and you’ll get it.
Got accused of being racist. Three weeks ago I was on the phone with the St Louis police department because I got a speeding ticket and it was the last day to apply for it. I was on the phone with this lady trying to work it out and I cut out, and then call back and this lady pickups, hey can I help you, no you may not I need to speak with the woman i was talking to earlier, she was like did you get her name, no I didn’t, how many people work in there, oh there’s just eight of us, I go oh great. I could probably narrow it down, she’s black, she goes how do you know she’s black, cause she sounded black and the woman I was talking to goes, site that is racist, well I can tell you’re white. Cause that’s what white ladies do. They play the racism card before they ask any kind of questions or anything. She didn’t even know what I meant. Here’s what happened: I said, hey my name is Chad Daniels, I need to pay for a speeding ticket, she goes okay, let me find the system, maybe the speeding fairy came and paid it for me, and she said, there’s no speeding ticket fairy. I’m not saying all back women sound like that, I am saying zero white women do, unless there is a bottle Aunt Jemima on the table. I’m not saying she picked up the phone and was like what’s up motherfucker, what you want, what you want. No. cause that could be a white guy with a backwards hat on, no idea, no idea. If you were walking down the street and you heard what you want, and there was a black guy white guy and Asian guy, you wouldn’t know. You could probably eliminate the Asian guy if we’re being real honest about it. Cause Asian gymnast is a different gangster. That’s like butterfly guy, and cars that go like tbb. Coinstars. I should stop talking. I think I proved my point. I think racism comes from contempt. I knew that I had to pay this speeding ticket that day. I knew there were only eight women working. I was talking to one of them, one of them white, one of them is black. Stop calling me racist stick your arm out, go around to all the other desks when it doesn’t match, drop off the p[hone I have to pay this ticket. You guys are great, thank you very much.