Emily Heller – Good for her Transcribed

Emily Heller – Good for her

An impression to start

Oh thank you. Thank you so much. Keep it going for Josh Gondelman. I am so happy to be here.

I am going to start with an impression, if that’s okay. I promise it’s the only one I’m going to do. It’s the only one I know how to do. But! I think I might be the best in the world at it. I hope you haven’t heard it before. This is an impression of my mom, or rather who my mom has become since my parents got a small dog. Because I went home recently and this was a real conversation we had. “Do You wanna see Buster’s new trick? Buster. Buster. Buster sat down. Buster, Buster! Busty boy. Bust. Bust. Buster brown. Buster sat down. Buster! He was doing it before.” Thank you, thank you so much. 

Oh my gosh. I want you to know that I shorten that. You’re welcome. Also you know, I’ll go ahead and acknowledge I know you guys are not the ideal audience for that impression. It’s not anything against you, I’ve just already performed that for its ideal audience, which is my brother: stoned. He listened to that for like an hour. It’s not gonna get better than that, I’m at peace with it, we’re gonna have a fun night. 

The General Loser Community. 

A little bit about me, a lot of people assume I was a nerd growing up. That’s not fair, it’s untrue and offensive. I was not a nerd. Nerds had other nerds to hang out with and play DnD. I was a spazzy weirdo, we’re our own thing. Kind of the bad boys of the general loser community, if you would. All of the alienation of none of the brains.

I couldn’t find anyone who was into what I was into when I was in as a kid. I’ll give you an example. When I was eleven my dad made me scrambled eggs for breakfast one morning. And I said “This is amazing what’s in this?” and he said, “Oregano.” So naturally I took a small tub of oregano and I taped a string to it, and wore it as a necklace everyday to school, for three months. And because I’m from San Francisco my parents just let me do that. They were just like go on out into the world be free, follow your heart. Who are we to stop you? You’re actually, literally the only people who could stop me. That’s kind of your job description. Actually, you are the barrier between me and the world seeing me with this garbage around my neck. And you’re dropping the ball.

I was like this is cool. I’m the oregano girl now. You all better pick a spice because oregano is spoken for. I think what I’m trying to say is that it took me a really long time to lose my virginity. That’s the point of that story.

 The weird thing was though that no one made fun of me for that. I was not bullied. And I deserved it. Some kids do. No one ever called me names, beat me up, shoved me in a locker, anything like that. Instead, the cool kids just wrote really backhanded compliments in my yearbook. Like two different people wrote. “I just love how you don’t care what anybody thinks of you!” Which was news. 

“What what? What makes you think. I mean I don’t care, but how did you know, I don’t care what people think about me?” 

“Just you know, how you dress and behave. Just because if you cared what people thought of you, you would do both of those differently.”

I went to a private school so maybe that is how rich people bully each other, real passive aggressively. “You know what I love about you, you’re so unique, you’re LIKE NONE OF US.  You know what I love about you, You march to the beat of a different drummer,” Yeah a drummer whose first instrument is not the drums. I might have been asking for it considering what I wrote in their yearbook, which was just “THE PROHENY MUST BE COMPLETE” in my own blood, every year book too. I was so dizzy by the end of that day. 

Public Transport

I was home recently and a friend of mine from high school called me. Did I just see you? I don’t know where?  They were like, on broad, I was riding my down a hill and you were riding a bike up the hill. I was like ohhh, here’s a rule for that. If you see somebody riding a bike uphill, that’s not me. Not ever. If he had been like, hey was that you, sleeping at the back of the bus, wearing a shirt that said “who farted” I would have been like yeah probably. Thanks for not waking up, that’s chill. I was on the bus recently, you know how people will write something on their hand if they want to remember it, like rent or the Alamo. I was on the bus and I saw this girl, she had one word written on her hand, underlined twice and that word was boat. What is going in your life, where a boat is your least memorable obligation. Ah I like to imagine that she just showed up to the doc earlier that morning, with like a fishing pole, some bait, and cooler. She just got out to the edge of the water like gh. Huh. Fuck I knew I forgot something. I am coming back with a boat. 

My Medical issues

I uh, I live in California. We passed a law a couple years ago making medical marijuana mandatory, that’s my understanding of it at least. I am complying. Not some kind of outlaw. I like the law. I think it needs to be legal just for funnies mostly because I feel very ridiculous buying my weed from a doctor. Because when that law passed I didn’t have health insurance so for a while, that was my only doctor. I don’t like that one bit. I don’t want my only doctor to be wearing jinco jeans. That doesn’t make me feel like I’m getting health care, that makes feel like I’m definitely going to die. I also didn’t like being reminded every time I bought drugs, of the responsible thing I should have been doing with my money. I should have been saving up to be going to a real doctor. I didn’t want to be reminded of that every time I buy drugs. That would be like if every time I wanted to watch reality tv I had to physically throw a book in the trash. That would be like if every time I ordered French fries in a restaurant, they were delivered by a salad. I’m trying to cut back to, I know that’s probably not a popular thing to say. I had a wake up call, have you ever gotten so high that law and order svu is scary again. Cause that happened to me. Oh up, this isn’t just about ice tea anymore. So I’m cutting out I’m not cutting out. I’m not crazy. Here’s what I’m doing, I am only smoking pot when I’m on my period.  Hear me out this is a really good plan, because that cuts it out to the super reasonable five days a month, it’s the five days I’m calling out of work anyway, plus now I have a reason to be excited about my period. It’s Not just for pregnancy scares anymore. It is every month I’m excited. I used to be like oh no my period. Now I’m like a cool period. I should get some cinnamon toast crunch. I definitely think more women need to do this. Like no guy would be like, oh man my girlfriend got my period. Hey man, my girlfriend on her period again, I think we’re finally gonna finish breaking bad. It’s hard to get the word out though.  Those are two things you’re not supposed to talk about in public. You’re not supposed to talk about smoking weed in public. They both have their own euphemism. I could combine them, aunt flow is coming to town on the 420 train but that’s terrible that’s not good. My friend recommended this one. It could be like Christmas time. Because of the red and green. Yeah it’s grosser than it seems at first. That’s how euphemisms work. Very similar to that, I could be like I’m flying the Italian flag. Cause that’s red and green and white, and I’m white. This one, I’ve been using a lot, I’m gonna go smoke pot and bleed. No one ever has follow up questions. So I feel pretty good about that one.  It’s going very well. I’m on day 87 of my period. But I already know what she would prescribe. The only thing she said was precise. 

My favorite radio station

I live in Los Angeles now because I’m in my car all the time, I am trapped. My Favorite radio station is the station called Bud and they play 90’s hip hop and rb and b, but here’s the thing I am woman thank you for noticing, and sometimes in hip hop they talk about us like we can’t hear them. Wow that was rude, you know I’m in the booth right now.  I don’t want to stop listening. I have been willfully misconstruing the lyrics. I just pretend there is something completely different. Girl you look good, why don’t you back that thing up. He’s talking about her hard drive. She should back that up, she’s got a lot of important work files on there. Because he cares about her career. That’s not juvillien at all that’s very mature.  What Snoops like Bitches aint’ she. I’m like that’s right they’re not shit. They’re valuable members of society. I am gonna take that double negatives. I got hoes in different area codes, my gardening business is taking off. We are expanding multiple counties. 

Hot woman

I definitely think women have it hard these days, especially hot women. Hot women i feel for you.  I am so glad I am not hot. Thank you for objecting. Some of you laugh, that’s at least a reaction. I start telling this joke in LA, and they like to proceed, honestly thank you for saying something. It’s kind of weird that’s been standing there. Just sort of looking like that, no explanation. I’m just so glad you know because I was going to say something. I’m not being self deprecating here. I am generally sincerely so happy. I’m not fishing for compliments. I realize something, every time I’m at a party and one of those women walks in. Every Other woman looks at her like this. Like she just walked into the party and offered to take a dump in everyone’s drinks. She didn’t earn that look. Guys when i talk into a party no one looks at me like that. When I walk into a party everyone is like, Oh good for her she got out of bed. Also this party is getting kind of lame. We should probably take off. 


My Brain

Okay, I guess if I did have to change one thing about my body it would definitely be my brain. My brain is like a radio DJ who does not take requests. Coming up next we got a gull hour of just the first verse of mambo number five. Followed by an imaginary argument with someone you love. The greatest hits of your mistakes from the 90s 2000s and today. Also after that we have a full hour of just the first verse of mambo number five. Like I know how it works too, but I’ll still try, I’ll call up like Hey long time listener, yeah I was just wondering, if you could play,  uhh silence. For like an hour. There is an article about Syria I’ve been trying to read for like a month, you won’t let me get through it, so if you could just play silence for an hour. We don’t have that one! But we do have a hundred pressing questions about your ex’s new girlfriend. Let’s go to her facebook page. After that we have a full hour of I wanna dance with someone by Whiney Houston. Okay I actually really like that song. Quick question could we get the lyrics. We don’t have the lyrics! And I think you know that. 

My ex’s girlfriend

I did meet my ex boyfriend’s new girlfriend. As you can imagine she was the worst person I have ever met in my whole life. We had lunch with just the three of us. Uh yeah, that was my bad. She said three things during this meal that really bothered me. The first thing she said was “Uh yeah Sex and the city is basically my life”. Uhh, which I let go. I let go. Um, the second thing she said that really bothered me, was like “Yeah I don’t really have any female friends,” which that’s a red flag for anyone. But especially someone who just said Sex and the City is basically her life. If Sex and the City is basically your life, and you don’t have any female friends, I am left to assume that you just sit alone at restaurant talking loudly about pensies to no one. “Sex and the City is basically my life’ That’s not an out loud thought, that’s a thing you stop yourself from saying. And the third thing she said, and I want you to know we were not talking about this. She just brought this up “Ya know, I kinda think that people only voted for Barack Obama because he’s black.” I know what a Samantha, right? Here’s the thing though, she is right. No, there are people who voted for Barack Obama just because he’s black. There are also people that voted for Mitt Romney and John McCain because Barack Obama is black. Those people scare me more. I didn’t know what to say. I hope I handled it right, “Hey I don’t know if you know this, but there is actually kind of a lot of stuff that happens to black people just because they black but president is like the least common of all them.” That’s happened once maybe twice depending on how you’re counting. It’s definitely not the one you should be mad about. What do you do if someone you know is dating a racist? Do you talk to them about it, or like a lot of strangers on your comedy album. I’m doing the second one. I hope that’s okay. 

House Sitting

I used to live in new York which was fine. It was fine. Jay Z doesn’t rap about it like that and wish he would. I definitely that new York is the greatest city in the state of New York. For sure. It’s a very expensive place to live. When I first lived in New York I was living with my sister for free. Which is called smooching, but  actually she would go out of the city and it was called house sitting. Here is something new I learned about house sitting that I didn’t know Apparently when you are house sitting you are not supposed to break their stuff. I just made  game out of it. Every time my sister came back I’d make it like one of those games in highlights magazine. Just be like okay, you remember what your apartment looked like before, can you spot the 6 differences? I broke 5 plates and one of the cats is gone. Thought I’d give you the answer key right now, please don’t’ kick me out. Actually last time I was house sitting for her, I did something I know that you’re not supposed to do when sitting in the house sitting. I made a sex tape in her apartment, here me out, I’m not in, it’s not what you think, I just made a tape of one of her cats having a very nice time with her winter boats, i didn’t have to direct it. He was just doing it every night for a half hour, while maintaining eye contact with me. Makes you feel pretty. Here is what I find most disturbing about that, bodies that I am an adult and I filmed it. Is that she also has a girl cat. Right. He’s got options. How ugly must that girl cat feel? That every night, he’s like listen, I know that you are literally the only other cat I have seen, still think I’m going with the boot. Yeah. and I know this is inappropriate to say as a human, but her girl cat is a ten. Okay, her boy cat maybe a four, a classic New York couple it really should work. You might be wonder, how can a cat be a four? He was neutered too young so he didn’t have, if you neuter a cat too young they don’t have enough hormones for head growth. So he has like a tiny cat head on a fat cat body. He also has a shaved surgery head. If a cat could be a four he’s a four. My sister gets mad at me when i say that, c’mon he’s not a four. I’m like okay let me get on the same page about this conversation we’re having right now, are you asking me, to please tell you that I think your cat is sexier than I already am? I need to move out. 

Metamorphosis

I tried, I tried to start dressing better when I moved to New York, I know this might not look like the butterfly phase of that metamorphosis, to you. But you have to believe me I’m from San Francisco or as I call it, the haven for the unshaved. You could wear like a floor length corduroy skirt to a black tie event and just fit right in. I got to New York and everyone was like, Did you arrive by ship wreck what is going on with you, what is with the tattered rags Oliver twist?” But I prefer dressing like a slob and I recommend it to anyone considering the lifestyle, it’s great. The only downside I have found is that I never get to say “allow me to slip into something more comfort” Right, cause I’m always wearing the most comfortable thing possible the only way I could say that and it’s possible if I say “allow me to slip into something more comfortable” And then came hopping out in a sleeping bag. So are we doing this or what. Room for one more. Hey where are you going I can’t follow you. I don’t mean to brag but I have been putting on a little weight. I don’t own a scale, so I had to go to the doctor to find out how much I have been putting on last  year. I won’t say the number, there are a lot of ladies here. I don’t want to make you jealous. I will say that it was more than 25 pounds and less than 27 pounds. It was 26 pounds. And I will be honest with you. I Didn’t know it was happening. I just thought oh hey my boobs got bigger and with no side effects. You can take a quick look. I brought it up. Okay. Then I just realized that they might be just blocking my view of the side effects. I realized this at  work it was after work sitting at my desk. This is uncomfortable. I think I need to unbutton my pants. And I reached down and realized that I had already unbutton them. Half an hour earlier. So I am unzipped because there is no dress code where I work. But I don’t really care about gaining weight and I don’t think you should either. If you don’t own a scale or a mirror. I get to buy new clothes because I’m a big girl. I’m just like making my stomach off with a pencil the  date. It’s adorable. I’m adorable. 

Children

The only thing that has ever freaked me out about gaining weight is that I used to watch that show I didn’t know I was pregnant. That will put the fear in you. If you’ve seen the show you don’t have, you heard the title is enough. Just knowing that show exists is uh I didn’t know we needed that show but we do. They interview real women. Real women. Who one day, something came out of them, that they didn’t know was in there, and then they have to take care of it forever. Which is a nightmare, that’s my nightmare, but everyone I talk to about the show says the same thing. How stupid do you have to be to not know you were pregnant for nine months. I think that’s the wrong way of looking at it. These women found  loop hole out of 9 months of terror. Right, knowing that you’re pregnant sounds so much worse. Knowing that pregnancy is like scheduling a car accident in your vagina. And you can’t get drunk to deal with it. I get drunk just to get through my dental appointments, and because it’s kind of like a party atmosphere. If you area women and you do that, you are braver than me. I have already decided if I want kids I am going to adopt. But for the 9 months leading up to the adoption, I am going to lay in bed and eat what I want. I am going to get an ultrasound of my empty utility, mail it out on Christmas cards. People Are like what is this, that, that is intact staying that way. Either that or I’m going to be like “oh my god what happened to my baby” and then on the day the baby comes I’m going to be like, give me the drugs.; We’re not giving you a baby anymore. What about the drugs, are they still on the table? Clap if you have children, clap if you don’t want children. Hopefully none of the same people clapped. I don’t want kids, People tell me that I’m wrong. Just you wait, you’re going to turn 35, you’re going to want those kids. Just  you wait, apparently I’m a transformer, when I’m 35 I’m just goin to transform into a woman who wants children, I would prefer a car or a robot, but whatever. I fully admit I might change my mind later, but isn’t it better to not want kids and change your mind later, than to have kids and change your mind later, if you have kids and you change your mind later, you’re fucked there is a person now. If I change my mind later, I could adopt, I could get some dogs to dress them up in people’s clothes and push them around the neighborhood. I could date single dads, I could just go to the park and watch them play> I am a woman. I can do that, we don’t get arrested. If I am being perfectly honest it is one of the only perks. 

Being single

I am single. At this point in my set that’s not supposed to be a twist. I am not Shamiliana. There have been clues. I have been single for a while. I don’t think that I’ve been in a serious relationship since Michael Jackson has been alive, but after that is who is in the mood, not me. The king is dead so is love. I’ve been single for a while, it’s going very well. It’s working out. I think I’m the one. I don’t want to jinx it but things are getting pretty serious with me. I don’t have to wear makeup anymore. I have pajama jeans that I wear. It’s been a long time since anyone has been mad at me. I like that a lot. It’s hard for people to believe me. My friends are uncomfortable with the fact that I have been single for a long time. Which is weird because they are not happy. I have friends who have been in relationships for a long time. They will come over and complain about their lives for like an hour and then be like, so you getting back out there? And I’m like no. And they’re like why not. Because I just talked to you, were you not here for that? Your life is horrifying. Do you have any idea how long it’s been since I’ve compromised? Here is a test, clap if you know someone who is dating someone who is awful. I assume that if you’re not clapping it’s because you’re here with them right now. Everyone knows someone who is dating someone terrible. I know for a fact that I’m that person. I dated someone who went to mime school for two years. And he dumped me. I’m definitely that person. I should be able to quit dating if I want to. I got my shit together now, I sleep till noon but I like myself. I’m good at being single and I’m bad at dating. The second I start dating someone I go insane. I start busting into random restaurants. I need someone to tell me what this text message is. I asked if we went for this Thursday. He said sure with a period. 

I finally talk about Frasier

If your in a relationship and you’re happy, I am happy for you that is just not how that goes for me. When I’m in a relationship the highs are really high and the lows are really low.  I can’t stand it. When I’m single right here in the middle. The high are not as high. When you guys are like fucking and kissing and whispinger. It’s been a while, I don’t remember exactly what you do. When you guys are doing that. Yes I am at home watching Frasier, that’s true. but , when you guys are fighting and crying and compromising. Going through each other’s cell phones trying to figure out each other’s Facebook passwords, going to party with people you hate, I am just right here at home watching Fraiser. I am watching Frasier. I do not hear the blues of Collins. Being single is really the Frasier of emotional states. Because it’s never too good, but it’s never to bad. It’s pretty reliable. But I could see doing this for maybe ten eleven season no problem. And if you think about it, which I have all the way though. Frasier is the character Dr Frasier Cain. He’s single on that show, for eleven season he’s single on that show. And he’s doing pretty good. Got a good family, got a good job. He might be a little neurotic a little lonely from time to time. He’s got his shit together. Kelsey Grammar on the other hand. The actor who plays Fraser has been married four times. He married a stripper who fired a gun at him. His Wikipedia page as a separate section entitled sex tape lawsuit. Would you rather be Kelsey Grammar or celebrated radio psychologies dr. frazer Kaine. And yes those are you only two options. 

Love and basketball

I think I should be able to quit dating if I want to, right. I feel like dating is the only hobby you can have that other people won’t let you quit. Even if you’re bad at it. I am bad at dating. I should be able to quit if I want to. I quit everything else I’m bad at. I figured out a life without math for the most part. I quit basketball when i was eleven. Because as you can imagine, an oregano girl was not very good at basketball. Movement and teamwork was not really her forte. I was on a team, There were six of us on the team, and my nickname was six. Even I could do the math on that I was the worst. You know how in team sports, everyone gets a trophy, they always give them the most improvement. The year that I played basketball no one got that trophy. They were like we cannot in good conscious imply that improvement happened here. They made up a trophy to give me. They gave me the trophy for most dramatic shot. Commentator In the one underhanded basket that I made all season by accident, and all the other times I cried. I think what I’m trying to say, that when I quit basketball no one had a problem with it. They were like yeah we saw those air balls get on out of here. Time to try poetry. No one is coming to me now like don’t give have you tried online basketball. Maybe you haven’t met the right hoop. The counter argument is like, what about sex, you don’t have as much sex when your single. But stay in a relationship long enough you’ll stop having sex also. I at least don’t know how my night is going to end, I could end up in a threesome with some Swedish dudes. You guys know your not going to have a sex because it’s a wenesday. Unless, you going to go home and have sex to despite. In which case you’re welcome. I might have less sex, but when I do, it’s a better story. A lot of weird shit has to come together for me to have sex. People want to hear about the 22 year old I took a shower with in Montreal. No one wants to hear the I fucked my husband story. That is a sad boring story. And it ends the same way every time. With you two being doomed to each other forever. Best case senior. The only time I want to hear a married couples sex story is if it’s anal. And even then it’s a thumbs up thumbs down no details kind of thing. 

Single forever

And I’m not saying, I’m not saying that I want to be single forever. Anything could happen Channing Tatum could get divorced. I’m not a home wreaker, I will wait. I just want to say that I could be single forever in front of my married friends because they hate that. OH my god they hate that so much. There is always one of them who will condense to me about it. You don’t know that, you can’t know that. You don’t know that you’re going to want something forever. Oh my god married guy that is an amazing point no your right, that would be stupid of me. To say that I would want something forever in my twenties, the only thing that I might think that might be stupider would be spending 50,000 dollars saying that I want in front of all my friends. My bad. If you’re married and that offended you, it shouldn’t. You’re not the one who said that to me. But if it did, here’s what I want you to do, hold your spouse, Know that I won’t be doing that because Netflix does not have arms. Although if they know their clientele they will be working on it.

Dying alone

I like being single, the only thing I don’t like about being single is people say really crazy stuff for a long time. At least if you’re a woman, I think if you’re a man they talk to you like a person. But when you’re a woman they say crazy stuff like. They say stuff like aren’t you afraid. No but like aren’t you afraid of dying alone. Which is jumping ahead a few years. Right, that’s morbid. I what’s going on, I thought we were brunching. I answer honestly when people say stuff like that to me, I am afraid of dying alone. Because I fear death, no matter the circumstance. Yeah I’m afraid of dying alone. I am also afraid of dying in a gang bang, it’s not the alone part that is freaking me out. At least if I die alone I’m not ruining a party. Besides guys, I am not going to die alone, there are going to be soooooo many cats there. They are going to eat my face. 

Feminism

I am a feminist and I understand why no one ever claps when I say that. I do. Feminism is not very popular. I think that feminism is not very popular because it’s not very fun. We have a bit of a recruiting problem right now. misogynist is very easy to recruit for. All you have to do is say Hey do you like boobs. Come with me, I know a place.  Feminism you can’t really do that, Hey do you like boobs, well I am not going to show you mine but I have written a poem about their power. Misogynist much better t shirts. I saw on the other day that it was like “I may not be Mr. right, but I’ll fuck you until he gets there” That’s great. concise, hilarious, not effective. Concise hilarious if a feminist wore that shirt it wouldn’t be nearly as catchy it just be like, “you may not be Mr. Right but I also don’t believe in the concept of there being one right person for one person, as people’s needs evolve over time. And we all possess a number of nurturing characteristics that socialized into us are  along gender lines by the way if we got married I would not take your last name. That is too much area for the boob area of a t shirt. A true feminist would not let you finish reading it. But I will say, I have found a few ways to use feminism to my advantage. Mostly to remain lazy and disgusting. For a while I stopped shaving my legs and someone said what are you a feminist? Would that explain it, and it did, it totally did. There is a lot that you can get away with as a feminist that you couldn’t as a mortal woman. Like my boss called me into his office the other day Yeah I’m just trying to preserve mother earth what are you doing. Are you sure that you didn’t just sleep through your alarm and rush to work again. Is aid what makes you say that? You’re wearing pajamas? I suppose you’d like low cut?   And he gave me a raise. Or this one I recommend to anyone, a homeless guy asked me for a dollar, I was like A dollar, I was like 76 cents, because that’s how much a lady hobo would make doing the same job. Also I’m not actually going to give you any more that was very misleading. I’m so sorry. Thank you guys so much. I appreciate you for coming out. Thanks to union hall for having me here. Thanks one more time to Josh Gondelman. Thank you so much for coming and laughing. I have like maybe like 3 posters outside if you want. Just crawl over one another to get one. But really I just want to thank you guys for coming. This was a dream come true and bye.

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