Jeff Foxworthy – Greatest Bits

Jeff Foxworthy – Greatest Bits

It’s okay that I’m this way

Sophisticated people go to art auctions, rednecks we have yard sales. Sophisticated people go to restaurants that require reservations, rednecks go to restaurants that require us to pull around to the second window please.  Hey and listen can you supersize them fries for the little women, it’s our anniversary. 

I don’t go to fancy restaurants, I don’t understand you rt, I got all the world that I will ever need all in my backyard, you might not like the way I think, but it’s okay that I’m this way. It’s okay that I’m this way. 

You know what kind of stuff rednecks like to buy, shiny stuff! We are attracted to shiny objects, ufo, beer cans, fishing lure, if it’s shiny we like. And if you think about it most of the people who see UFOs are using fishing lures and holding beer cans, so actually there’s a connection. That’s why bass lures have a glitter finish. Have you ever seen a yacht with a glitter finish? 

I don’t wish i had what you got, ain’t never had nothing handed to me. I work hard for what I have. It’s okay that I’m this way, it’s okay that I’m this way. 

Sophisticated people invest their money in stock profiles rednecks invest out money in commentative plates. Yeah that’s the legends of the nascar series right there. This is probably our personal favorite Richard Peck hugging his mom. I can’t hardly look at it. Of course that’s Dale Earhart. He wasn’t in a wreck or anything. I just threw some ketchup on his forehead. 

We got a simple way about us, some will never understand. Life is not about all your money, but I’m a moving man. It doesn’t matter what you might say, it’s okay that I ‘m this way. It’s okay that I’m this way. 

Sophisticated people have retirement plans, rednecks play the lottery. See rednecks think mutual funds mean everyone is having fun. Sophisticated play chess, rednecks can amuse ourselves for hours with a sheet of bubble wrap. Pop Pop Pop Pop. oh for god’s sake joe, let the kids play with it for a while, you’re gonna be late for work.  

You can’t give rednecks money

You know what kind of stuff rednecks like to buy, shiny stuff! We are attracted to shiny objects ufo, beer cans, fishing lure, if it’s shiny we like. And if you think about it most of the people who see UFOs are using fishing lures and holding beer cans, so actually there’s a connection. 

Sophisticated people vs Rednecks Commemorative plates bit

Sophisticated people invest their money in stock profiles rednecks invest out money in commentative plates. Yeah that’s the legends of the nascar series right there. This is probably our personal favorite Richard Peck hugging his mom. I can’t hardly look at it. Of course that’s Dale Earhart. He wasn’t in a wreck or anything. I just threw some ketchup on his forehead. 

Sophisticated people vs Rednecks Rednecks play the lottery

Sophisticated people have retirement plans, rednecks play the lottery. That’s our plan. And when we hit the big six, we’re gonna add a room on the trailer so we don’t have to sleep with Jim’s daddy’s no more.  

Sophisticated people vs Rednecks  bubble wrap

Sophisticated play chess, rednecks can amuse ourselves for hours with a sheet of bubble wrap. Pop Pop Pop Pop. oh for god’s sake joe, let the kids play with it for a while, you’re gonna be late for work. 

Sophisticated people vs Rednecks Supersize them fries

Sophisticated people go to restaurants that require reservations, rednecks go to restaurants that require us to pull around to the second window please. Hey and listen can you supersize them fries for the little women, it’s our anniversary. 

You might be a redneck if…

If you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income, you might be a redneck. If the UFO hotline limits you to one call person day you might be a redneck. If directions to your house include turning off the paved road, you might be a redneck. If you prefer to walk the excess length rather than hemm them, you might be a redneck. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight you might be a redneck. If you smoked during your wedding you might be a redneck. If people asked to hunt in your front yard, you might be a redneck. If your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board you might be redneck. If your two year old has more teeth than you do, you might be a redneck. If you check feature pictures of dogs fighting you might be a redneck. If you have an above ground pool and you fish in it, you might be a redneck. And probably the grossest one of all times, if your mother has ever come out of the bathroom and said, y’all come look at this. If you’ve been on television more than five times describing what the tornado sounded like you might be a redneck. If you’ve ever cut your grass and found a car. If your dad walks you to school because you’re in the same grade, you might be a redneck. If you’ve ever been too drunk to fish, you might be a redneck. If someone has to see your id and you show me your belt buckle you might be a redneck. If you’ve ever had to haul a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister’s honor you might be a redneck. If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain you might be a redneck. If everyday someone comes to your day mistakenly thinking you’re having a yard sale you might be a redneck. If you’ve ever fancied a tattoo you might be a redneck. Three more payments and this son of a gun is mine. You might be a redneck. If you’ve ever made a change in the offering plate. Guilty, you got em. If you go to the family reunion to meet women you might be a redneck. I think we offended someone out here. That ain’t funny is it sis. And last but not least, if you see a sign that says say no to crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up, you might just be a redneck. 

Redneck stomp

(This is a musical reinterpretation of the last set of jokes) 

Single life is just too hard first single’s apartment

The first single’s apartment we had was the closest we got to ever being homeless. You’d be driving somewhere. And you see where someone had thrown an old sofa out on the curb and you’re like hey, if that guy is there after dark, It’d find itself in my living room. If I find a brick and piece a wood I go to an entertainment center. Put em’ right next to my orange road cone I found. Think back and remember your very first apartment they all had shag carpet. Beautiful green and orange mix. Tramp down so hard you couldn’t even rake it b ack up, and our place was so nasy we found a rabbit every single time. They were all furnished exactly the same way, in the bedroom you had the mattress on the floor protected by a mountain of dirty clothes, milk crates for nightstand, lava lamp with a blob permanently stuck at the bottom, stolen road signs on the wall. A blanket for curtana out in the hall it was the mystery of the carpet. Budweiser mirror on the wall. Out on the balcony it was the rusty out hibachi grill out on the yard was the plant with no leaves on it. Bike with no chain on it. IN the den you had the spool. You get one of those, it’s coffee table time. Next to the 9000 dollar stereo, we’re going hungry but we got tunes, you could tune it on at midnight and make the people down the street wet the bed. 

Single life is just too hard the security deposit

Only good thing about your first apartment is you never had to clean it up, well until the day you moved and tried to get the security deposit back. Arguing with the landlord, no sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here. The pizzas were always on the ceiling. 

Single life is just too hard the morning after

Those were the parties, no one went home they just slept where they fell. Getting up the next day looks like Jones town the morning after. They’re trying to wake up people you’ve never met before, hey man with no pants and a fireman’s helmet, wake up I gotta go to work. Alright, lock the door when you leave. Just found a new sofa. I don’t want anything to happen to it. 

Single life is just too hard she has a boyfriend

The hardest part about being single has gotta be the dating stuff. Any guys in the room ever go out with a girl who forgets to tell you she has a boyfriend. That is information you need! That happened to me, i went out with this girl one time, we went out to dinner and after we went out we went back to my apartment, now we were at my police for about half an hour, and then there’s a knock at my door. I go to my door and there’s a 250 pound man going what in the hell do you think you’re doing with her? I looked him right in the eyes and I said, I’m cutting her damn hair and you’re just going to have to wait. 

I don’t want to be single again

I like the permanency of marriage, never did like breaking up. I guess everyone here has heard the break up lines. I was looking through em, picking out my favorites, like I needed some space. Which is half a sentence, the rest of it is, without you in it. I think about my all time favorite, I think we should start seeing other people. Trust me no one has ever said that to you without shaving someone else specific in mind. Guys if someone says that to you trust me, she has already cut a pony from the herd and if she’s not riding him yet he has pulled the saddle of the barn. 

Party all night

(A musical version of the last few jokes) 

The rules of marriage

But if women understand us it’s because they study us. You ever see women’s magazines and the articles in them, it’s always things like, How to get a good man, how to get rid of a bad man, how to turn a bad man into a good man. You ever look at a men’s magazine, it’s nothing but pictures of naked women, that’s what we’re after right there, somebody get me a beer. 

Every single hair on her body cinkin season

Before we went on vacation last year my wife said to me, I have got to go get ready for bikini season which to me means buying new sunglasses. Well see in thirteen years you can move your eyes just don’t move your head, wives can hear those neck muscles moving. 

The rules of marriage, you will get remarried

If I died would you ever get remarried? You ever had that dream that you’re taking a text you haven’t studied for. She said, if I die I want you to promise me that you will get re-married, you’re teasing right? No for the sake of the children promise me that you will get remarried. You’re teasing right? No, for the sake of the children. Well for the sake of the children you don’t think they’d mind having a young step mom with some big ol’ hooters do you? Honey where are you going? I’m better true false, I’m good at those. 

Totally committed

(musical reinterpretation of his marriage bits)

Clampetts go to maui

I’ll give you an idea of what kind of family mine is, this is a true story, nine months ago I cashed in all my frequent flyers miles, took my family to Hawaii, everyone in my family, 13 people, thinking that would be a vacation of a lifetime, it ended up being the Clampetts go to Maui. You go anywhere there is an empty Kmart everywhere. They showed up at the airport there was cooler and grocery bags for luggage. This guy was like, which one is yours the samseinte, no we got the igloo with the duck tape on it. And the five Piggly wiggly bags right there. The ticket counter I asked my mother if she wanted to sit next to the window. She was like better not just have my hair fixed. The movie on the plane they were showing was Homeward bound, the incredible journey of a dog. Five minutes into the movie my brother turns around You know that ain’t the dog’s real voice. My sister got mad, well thanks for spoiling it for everyone. And we were staying right on the beach, in fact the whales were married. You could stand on the beach and watch the whale. My brother’s first day was like, man I wish I had a gun with a scope on it. How much does it cost to mount a whale? Anybody know? I’d have to get a bigger trailer I tell you that. And you could tell which rooms were ours, ours were the ones with the underwear hanging off the rail. According to the manager the only peeing for distance competition they had ever had. I am amhested to say my aunt rose and won in the second round. We are a classy bunch. Momma kept asking when we were gonna convert our money to Hawaiians. Then we went to a luau. You know how they always ask people if they want to volunteer to dance. Oh doge colvuneterin, halfway through the dance we realize Doug isn’t wearing any underwear under the skirt. When we asked him about it later, he said well when I went to put on the skirt, I noticed I had a hole in my drawers and didn’t want to embarrass myself. Dang Doug you thought this out. And there my family I love em they’re good people, they just don’t get out much mainly because of that no shirt no shoes rule. They love that hotel though, god they stole everything. They stole the ashtrays while we were checking in. Didn’t even dump the sand out of them, just picked them up and walked out. Stole everything, i mean you get out of the shower and have to dry off with toilet paper because they have the towels in the piggly wiggly bag. And one day one of the maids made the mistake of going to lunch and leaving her kart out in the walls. They were on thea like a pack of dogs on a three legged cat. I asked my brother later on, what are you gonna do with a hundred and eighty shower caps, he said, Christmas presents. 

Howdy for maui

This is a musical version of the last one. 

Words in the south, I’m georgia

I’m from Georgia originally but I live in California now, and people out there always make fun of how I talk, and I always tell em, you’re gonna be real surprised when you get to heaven and saint peter’s gonna say, Y’all get in the truck we’re going up to the big house. 

Words in the South, words in the south

We have words in the south you don’t have in other parts of the country. We have words like Y’ough to we gonna tomorrow y’outo, what letter does that start with. I like this word a lot. Aight. Aight, that’s a word in Texas around lunchtime you hear someone say. Yalleatyet, nah, y’oughto, yeah, aight.

Words in the south my favorite souther word 

Probably my favorite southern word of all time, my dad will use this word, like if dogs are on his porch. He’ll run out to the lawn and holler, get out of here. We have no idea how you spell it. And if that doesn’t work this will. Eeeigh. 

Nasa and alabama and fishing shows

We’re going everywhere on this tour, not just big cities, we were in Huntsville Alabama. Couple of months ago, you know wyvern growing up in the south I never realized the NASA space camp was in Huntsville Alabama, cause that’s just two words that don’t seem like they belong together. Cause they might be training them there, but they’re not letting people from Alabama fly this thing. Hey, Houston! It’s dark as crap up here, wait a minute I did it wrong, break one nine, wait we got problems, we broke out of the capsule trying to hit a brake light with a beer bottle. And we need to know how to unclog the toilet. We ate all the freeze dry chili and we tore up something bad. And you know the south is as smart as anyone in this country, our problem is we just can’t keep the more ignorant amongst us off the television. That’s the truth. I mean every time we have a disaster they never film  doctor or a lawyer, they always get that women in the momo and the sponge roller, “it was pangomedia I thought we would be killed or even worse. I looked out my window just in time to see the Jenkin’s house go right over our roof. All I could think was Carolynn still has my casserole dish” 

Southern accent

It’s great to be in Jackson, Mississippi. See I don’t even have to acute tonight. See in a lot of parts of the country, a lot of people immediately want to deduct 100 IQ points, because apparently the southern accent isn’t the worlds’ most intelligent sounding accent. And you know to be honest, none of us would want to hear our brain surgeon go, “aight, now what we’re gonna do is, saw off the top ya head, root around there with a stick and see if we can’t find that dangon clot” You’d be like no thanks, I’d rather dang on just die. See that is why southern financial advisors have such a hard time, no one wants to give their money to someone who talks this way. See what you gotta do is diversify your money. See what we’ll do is take half your money, put it in a big mayonnaise jar, bury it in the backyard, and the other half we’ll go down to the dog track and bet on the one who does his business right before the race starts. And you know we’re not stupid in the south. I mean we have words in the south they don’t have in other parts of the country. My brother would use this one, “used to” can you dance, well I could. Give me a minute. I might again. I tell you a good southern word. INthere. My uncle says that after using the bathroom on thanksgiving. I wouldn’t go intha if I was y’all. And I know you’ve heard this one, when you haven’t seen them in a long time, how’syamom and them?  Tolerable. My granny would use the word y’umans. My current favorite southern word is centurions, told my old lady, centyshe up get me a beer. 

Redneck games

Greeting y’all and welcoming all you dang foreigners to your mother nation. Deer lords are without guests and prepare them for the fine women they are about to receive. The Olympics are Georgie god you know we’re gonna scr3ew hat up. Guarantee you that when let those doves go there are gonna be guys in the parking lot with shotguns. And we will not have a plane that big without a pig on it. Some fat guy is going to dang good barbut up those stairs there, they aint’ got no handrail be careful. Hell the Olympics rings will be five old tires nailed together, that’s my fear that they’ll get the rest of events they won’t have any idea what this stuff is supposed to be. Like for fencing they’ll be giving people bailing wire and sheet metal, they’ll probably have to cancel water polo after the third horse drowns, instead of discus throwing they’ll be filing ford hubcaps. And you know they haven’t even thought about it cause it’s the same river they filmed deliverance at, that ought to add a whole degree of difficulty shouldn’t it? Cause if need beatty couldn’t make it down that thing, a French man in a pair of bicycle pants ain’t got a chance. Hey ed, I got a white one. 

Redneck 12 days of christmas

When somebody has been to the Walmart. You cleaned up what did you get done? Five flannel shirts. Four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two hunting shells and some parts to a mustang gt. Big for, you got jipped there 12 days of Christmas, hey, look in the corner i got it covered. 12 packs of bud light. 11 wrestling tickets, 10 Copenhagen, 9 years prohibition, 8 table dancers, 7 redman, 6 cans of spam, Five flannel shirts. Four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two hunting shells and some parts to a mustang gt. Man this ain’t normal Christmas presents, what does a redneck get, like when you get your wife earring that double as fishing lures. Or if burp the entire course of jingle bells, perhaps if you think the nutcracker is something you did off the high dive, or if you misspelled anything in Christmas lights. O if you leave cold beer and pickles for Santa clause, what’s wrong with that, i didn’t say anything is wrong with it. Hard to beat 12 days of Christmas, hey, look in the corner i got it covered. 12 packs of bud light. 11 wrestling tickets, 10 Copenhagen, 9 years prohibition, 8 table dancers, 7 redman, 6 cans of spam, five flannel shirts. Four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two hunting shells and some parts to a mustang gt will you know you can’t really consider it a Christmas if you don’t go down to county and visit your mama. Get the car keys out of your ear, that where the 9 years probability comes in, imma do it for you again. 12 days of Christmas, hey, look in the corner I got it covered. 12 packs of bud light. 11 wrestling tickets, 10 Copenhagen, 9 years prohibition, 8 table dancers, 7 Redman, 6 cans of spam, five flannel shirts. Four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two hunting shells and some parts to a mustang gt. Are you crying, no it’s just my allergies, Happy holidays everybody.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s