Nick Vatterott – For Amusement Only

Nick Vatterott came out of nowhere for me, but it’s one of my favorites. He’s been around somewhat, has a Comedy Central credit, along with being on a few late night shows. He frequently opened for TJ Miller 

Nick Vatterott is able to utilize the ability to draw on quick transitions of voices and sounds, but never makes it about just making a weird sound from his mouth. On the track Introduce yourself Vatterott utilizes his ability to swiftly move from voice to voice to build up to some great punchlines. It has him starting with hearing someone ask the bartender if they’re name is “Dar-Kar ” and going into that person about that is not a name. Then he goes on to add an element of how people will repeat names. This joke is one of the most layered jokes I have ever heard, and on top of the great writing, Vatterott’s delivery makes the joke work. 

Vatterott is able to utilize his energy into unique jokes that in addition to being high energy are different. This album is definitely a shining star of what comedy can be, any comedy and should give this album a listen. He is a great writer, and his ability to embrace small characters in jokes and perform them in big ways is stellar. 

Favorite Tracks: Catch of the day, TV, Introduce yourself

If you like Nick Vatterorr you should check out Sam Tallent, Sean Patton, Myq Kaplan, and Emily Heller.

Katt Williams – Live

Katt Williams – Live

Interview with Chris Coleman

(interview)

Weather in Cincinnati

Before we get cracken. I do I have some complains about Cincinnati lets get this about the way before a nigga gets started. I’ve been here three days it’s been all kind of fuckin you niggas have all the weather, this is bullshit. 72 hours it’s been hot mild, rainy coldly sleety cold, this is bullshit. A pimp doesn’t know what to wear in this weather. I’m in the hotel lobby with a fur coat on some swim trunks and some timberlands, cause I don’t know what will happen to this raggedy bitch this evening. Shit. yesterday it was a 181 degrees, today it was 36 what the fuck you can’t pimp nobody when it’s 136 degrees, just as soon as you walk out, bitch where is my money, pimp down! I am a boy damn! Got to love Cincinnati. 

Neighborhoods in Cincinnati

This is the ugliest, dirtiest, most beautiful place in all of the united states of America. Shit. you just be driving in a nice neighbor, like hook at architects, look at the fountain, and oh my god, three seconds later, what the fuck is that two crack heads and a Pitbull, we didn’t even turn the corner nigga why? 

Crack Dealers

Crack heads in Cincinnati are working hard. See people with a day job think a crack salesman has an easy job, they don’t know this nigga has to do five jobs, this nigga has to be a sales man, security, lookout, nigga just on the corner like. bullshit!

Shopping in Cincinnati

I hadn’t been here in a minute, I needed some clothes. I asked the lady at the front desk, which mall should I go to, he said, sir, there is a mall damn attached to the hotel, if this ain’t the most rinky dink mall in all of the united states, I almost went back and smacked the shit out of her, ma’am you knew there wasn’t nothing for niggas in there. Mall looks big from the outside, like it’s five blocks long, you get in there you find out that it’s a circle. Oh this I nice this is nice, I like this, is that a foot locker, that’s nice nigga, they got two mother fucking footlockers, they got three god damn foot lockers? I fuck around bought the same pair of shoes twice. Y’all forgive me while I taste a drink and let him adjust his electronic issues. 

Haters in Cincinnati

We got haters here too, ooo we got some fuckin haters in Cincinnati, all over the world there is hater. Got to be careful because it’s’ easy to become a hater, most real niggas think that haters are born, haters are made, they start out just like us, real niggas, they want to do good so  bad, they longer respect the grind, the struggle the journey, these niggas want to be ballers over night. 

Spinner Rims #1

I saw some shit in Cincinnati today that hurt my spirit as a nigga. And I hope that hating niggas that I’m gonna talk about is in here tonight so I can talk about his ass personally. Y’all no going to believe this shit, I’m in the limo and in my periapical, I see some niggas, confused that means out of a nigga’s side vision. Out his side vision nigga in the back thought it was a car, that nigga got a perirhinal, that ain’t even suppose to come out until 2006. In my periapical today, that nigga still think it a car, you don’t want nobody to have it. I saw, a nigga today, I know you all want to know, I saw a nigga with spinner hubcaps, what part of the game is this? That motherfucker didn’t even spin on their own, that nigga had to get out of the car and spin them manually.

Katt WIlliams Day

I come to Cincinnati, and I hear that I hear the Cincinnati government want to honor a nigga, and automatically I am caught off guard, because I know this must be some kind of government trick. Maybe I have some kind of warranties I’ve overlooked. At any moment, for this to be a set up, and I find out, they have declared it Katt Williams day, that sound beautiful but niggas were very vague, they didn’t tell me what that means, can a nigga j walk, is weed legal in my vehicle? Have the laws on prostitutions been slightly relaxed for me? Could that be the case? They gave me the proclamation and let me tell you something, this Cincinnati, and I know there is a boycott in Cincinnati.

Several type of niggers

 there are several types of niggas, there are nigga concerned with politics. There are street niggas, streets niggas don’t know nothing about boycotts, they don’t know nithoigna bout the opposite of boycotts, they know don’t fuck with me i wouldn’t fuck with you. That’s how we handle business. I’m just here to remind people we’re stressed entirely too much black people. I’m just saying you go to make up your own rules. Fuck trying to keep up with other motherfucker. That’s our problem we be trying to keep up. Niggas be working real hard to get 5000 dollar for spinning rims. We pull right up to an apartment complex with spinning rims. We’re gonna have to get some priorities eventually. 

Spinner rims #2

I’m going to tell you something about spinning rims though. You might not believe this. Form inside your car, you can’t even seen them bitches spin, can you believe that, all that fucking money and you have to look at niggas at the bus stop, to verify your fucking rims. That will get your life together, life is too short, to care about all the motherfuckers, fuck 20 inch rims, put 20 dollar sin your gas tank and get your goddamn grind on one more time. 

Gas Prices are too high

Cause I don’t care who you are, gas is entirely too fucking high, I don’t care if you have million gas is too high, you are not supposed o be at the gas station making life decision. You just at the pump like niggas did I eat today, I got but three cigarettes I can’t. 

White friends

Just saying life is too short you need to get you some white friends, get you some white friends you can learn a lot from white people. First of all. First of all, can we have all the white people make some noise, all the white people make some noise. I’d like to thank all 17 of you for coming out. That is some beautiful shit, I mean it, thank you so much you are never goin to see this many white people and 17 niggas, if you see us we are lost in motherfucker just sitting there. Nigga I thought you said this was Ludacriss this ain’t Ludacriss. Got to get you a white friend, I don’t care what you say white people are friendly. You can call them motherfuckers up at 3 in the morning and they won’t even be mad at you. Hello, no I’m sorry, no Shaquille here.. What number did you dial? No it’s a nine not a seven. Well try it if it doesn’t work call me back we’ll figure it out. Gotta love white people. If you see white people waiting on the bus stop they’re not mad they’re not angry they’re just, bus is three hours late, they’re just. I hope the bus driver is okay. If you see a nigga sitting on the bus stop we are madder than a motherfucker don’t have shit to do with the bus just sitting there like get mad at nigga driving. Telling ya life, is too short. 

Thug Niggers

All thug niggas be ready to die. But not when you get shot. Every nigga that ever been shot has a puzzled look on their face. Yeah nigga I be ready to die I don’t give a fuck. Nigga get my weed, my weed. I’m just saying the whole world is crazy. You’re gonna have to make your own decision. The world is crazy. They tell us shit that makes no sense at all. You have to remember this is your one shot at life. 

“Weed”

Make your own rules, they don’t want you to smoke weed and you shouldn’t. Some niggas almost walked out on that one. What that nigga talking about. They want us to believe shit that doesn’t make no sense. They don’t want us to smoke weed because it’s a drug. No it’s not. It’s just a plant. It just grows like that. And if you should just so happen to set it on fire. There are some effects. But that’s not the same as drugs, drugs you have to do stuff to it chemical, you have to add baking soda, water stir it up., I don’t know the recipe, but I’m just saying there is some stuff you have to do to it. They don’t want us to smoke weed. I know some of y’all don’t smoke weed because you have a good job, and by all means, make your paper boo boo. But if you ain’t got no job, and you ain’t smoking weed I don’t know what the fuck you are doing with your life. There is a chemical in weed that is called fuck it. And if you just get that in your system, it can change your life. Some of you crying about t bills you can’t pay, my daddy say he can’t come home, some of y’all just be in the living i don’t know what I’m going to do about this light bill, they want all of it, not just a piece of it, just hit the blunt one time it will change your perception of what is important in your life. I don’t know that I’m going to do about this light bill. Fuck this god damn light, I have 12 candles I’ve been waiting to burn these bitches. Cause they don’t make no sense. But they should tell us that illegal aspen is perfectly legal. But if you take 13 of those motherfuckers that will be your last headache, as long as you will live you ain’t’ never heard of nobody overdose on marijuana. You may think that nigga dead he ain’t dead, he gonna wake up in 30 minutes hungry enough to eat up everything in your house. That’s the side effects of being hungry, happy, sleepy. That’s it. What i don’t’ know is why they ain’t make weed into a pillow. They can clone sheep, they can make a baby without a momma, they have the cell phone, when that came out it wasn’t this goddamn big, it came in a suitcase with a shoulder strap, now the cell phone is so small that it’s a chip on a motherfucker tongue. You’re just going to be smoking a cigarette hello. No nigga I got you on the tongue phone, hello. You gotta be serious, though gotta be careful you have to pay attention to your schedule. I had to have a meeting with all the weed salesmen in Cincinnati. And explain to these niggas that I need regular weed, I have shit to do I have an engagement. I don’t want shit with a nickname. Not thriller killer somalia. I wanted to say right on the bag, regular weed. Regular weed, you get the miuccia and you can live your life. This nigga sold me some shit that has me looking at the refrigerator for four hours. I’m just in the kitchen on the stove like. I bet you aint’ shit in there. I bet you ain’t shit. You know the weed is too good when you hit it and look at it. AH nigga something in here, something in here, hey. Something. You just, you just gotta do everything in moderation. Cause i thought that all weed smokers were created equal.  But that’s not the case, not the case at all. I live in Los Angeles now, and I was hanging out with a snoop dog. Now this nigga is a profession weed smoker there is not an amateur  bone in this nigga body. We was doing the Tracy Morgan show, this nigga did an episode and said Katt, when we take a break we gonna hit some weed, now I took out that conversation, hit some weed, now I can do that I know the rules and regulation, i get the blunt puff puff, I see you are aware of the regulations as well. So I’m feeling like everything is going to be okay. I’m going to smoke enough weed to be sociable and go back to my room and learn my lines. Now I have to explain to you that in this world it’s me, Snoopy and his two pilots. We are in a circle. I watch him roll one and light it, and put it in rotation. And it starts to go in rotation. After about four and three quarter minutes I start noticing I am higher than I have ever been in my entire life. I am high high, I am up in the world just looking down in the world, seeing stately I and and looking down at my momma’s house. Just looking down and I can see, and I’m thinking how in the hell can I be this high on one blunt, I look up and see these niggas have lite six blunts and they are all in rotation at the same time, we look like an Olympic track meet in that bitch. Bullshit.

Things aren’t as they seem

Why do you just gotta live your life, because other people’s lives might look better than yours but that’s not the way it is. Most of that shit that I thought was real was bullshit, I met DMX three months ago, this nigga is the same size as me. I don’t know why I thought that nigga six thwele that nigga two inches taller than me. And he talk like that for real. We and the rest are the bitch. Let me get you some water, and some lemon, why are you hollering in a restaurant? No body hollar like that in a restaurant, you nigga that couldn’t cheat in school, hey bitch, was the answer to number 7 hey hey , nigga you need to be in a special class. 

Basketball

I’m out there in la, I’ve been making friends with basketball players. Just people I’ve been watching for a long time, people like hooping Paterson, and shawuila o Neal just six foot eight foot niggas. I found out I can’t even really be friends with these niggas in public. Cause they took fucking tall, I’m trying congrautluy you on the game, you got your dick all around my forehead region nigga good game good game. Just saying you got to live your life, see I notice a lot of this shit, I have a disease I am allergic to stupid shit. Now some of y’all might have that same disease. But, if you have the disease you know for a fact that it does not start when you are an adult it starts when your a child. I remember when I child being allergic to stupid shit. I can remember being in class, the teacher said Katt stand up. Bitch I am standing up. 

Spelling

I hate her so much, i really do. She said spell kitchen, so I sounded it out, as I had been instructed to do. Kit-chun. Kit chun, kitchen. K I T, C H E N. she said, very good very good. She said now spell knife. Once again I sounded this motherfucker out. Knife. Mmmm. N I F E. She said no no I’m sorry it’s k n i f e . this bitch is stupid she really is. Uh yes, that would be kuhnife, this is what she told me in front of the whole class, she said the k is silence. I said then take that quite motherfucker out, then because it’s confusing me. Right after class i met that bitch with a good school just what the fuck are you talking about. Now. I think I’m tipping. We are all adults. Can you please tell me the purpose of the iPad? Have you ever been able to use one in your personal life? My name is Bob, that’s b o b k e. Nah nigga your name is boka. It’s right there. 

Math

Math was my favorite subject, because everything that bitch said I could verity, she said 2 and 2 is four, damn sure is, all the time nigga all the time. Then one day this bitch just flipped the script. 3x plus y equals what? This bitch is still teaching. Do you see this shit? Did you know that some of that is letters, yes bitch that’s word and sentences. 

Commercial

Now that was just the shit they told us when we were litter. Now that we’re grown these motherfucker still think we’re stupid. They got commercials on television where they lie and tell the truth at the same time, now how fucking stupid do I have to be, for you to lie and tell the truth at the same time. They got commercials that says that you can do a brand new expedition with no credit bad credit divorce violation whatever your problem is, unapproved credit. Did you say no credit, bad credit, approve credit. That’s like you go to the club and the girl is like I’m going to get you pussy never. But that’s not the same, nigga.  Then they got commercials for medication where the side effect is worse than the shit they’re scoring, and I didn’t think no one was noticing but me. All I’m saying is if I’m having asthma, I don’t need the side effect to be shortness of breath. That’s what the fuck I came to you for. They got some shit called zincal, zincal is a fat blocker and if weight is heavy on your mind, you gotta be excited about something called a fat blocker. Because you might not necessarily want to stop eating. But you wouldn’t mind something to stop blocking the fat every now and then. They show you the lady she’s a little overweight. They are happy three seconds later she is in a bikini running through flowers, so you envision the pink in your throat just blocking fat, just. Then they say possible side effects, gas with an oiling discharge, diarrhea and the inability to stop it. Gas with an oily discharge. It’s already embarrassing to fart in church as it is, but you gotta ruin your clothes. Just. that aint’ never coming out of that, nah nigga, that’s oil. That’s oil. Just got to make your own decision. They tell you you should not smoke cigarettes because it will stunt your growth. When your a kid they tell you drinks you milk, eat your vegetables, so that you can grow up big and strong, and I remember as a child, drinking milk. Every day, just bring a cow in and let me get under him to drink some fresh milk so I can be big and small. Broccoli gives me all the broccoli and greens and spinach. Show you all some shit, you’re not going to believe, would my mother and father please stand up in the audience right now. Now look up there, at my parents at the top, my mama 5 3 and my daddy 5 5. What the fuck was i drinking milk for. SHIT. I could have been eating lemon heads and baked beans all day. Y’all don’t know, it ain’t no fun. 

On Being Short

Cincinnati worried right now about black and white prejudice, that ain’t’ shit compared to prejudice of being short. In American society , this is bullshit, you don’t know how i had to overcome, ain’t no parades, ain’t’ no marches, Jesse Jackson doesn’t show up. All the shit you take for granted, like the little thing your momma put beside the door to mark your progress each year. We just had one dark ass line. My momma doesn’t forget about it. Just one dark, then you grow up and be the same size, you gotta be a pimp you just can’t be no regular nigga this size. I can’t even go to an amusement park. Fuck kings insane, I don’t give a fuck I’m a grown ass man what do you mean I can’t ride this goddamn ride. I’m a grown ass man. Spending a hundred dollars I have to ride in a teacup with little kids. This is bullshit, when we get out of this motherfuck I’m going to kick your motherfuckin’ ass. 

Raggedy Car

Just saying life is short. To make up your own rules, make up your own rules, we want to do better so bad, you got to be happy with however your life is right now, that doesn’t mean you don’t want to do better, but you have to be happy with whatever you got right now. If you got a raggedy car, stop talking shit about your raggedy car. That’s your raggedy car, you need to go home and wash the shit out that motherfuck put on the wall and everything. That way when you leave the club you don’t have to have that raggedy car conversation. Now we all know the raggedy car conversion, some of you can’t laugh right now, cause you’ll have to use it later. We all know the raggedy car conversation you leave the club like I don’t need no bullshit, you fuck way hear something like, you have to act like your no ready to leave the club, what are y’all doing. What are you niggas doing? Just got to be happy with whatever you got that way you don’t accidentally become no hater. You made it because you have a raggedy car. Now when you pull up at the stop light you have to look at the nigga in the escale like he made a fucked up decision. 

Married Vs Single

That’s bullshit you gotta be happy with whatever you got in your life. Let me give you a perfect example, married people make some noise, now did you hear how depressing that shit sounded. Who would ever want to be married with you motherfuckers clapping. Like that, let’s try it again. Married people make some noise. Yes. i don’t care how fucked up your marriage is. If you found a motherfucker to walk with you day in and day out, that is some beautiful shit, you got to be happy about that. One more time, married people make some motherfuckin nosie.. Yes yes, okay, let’s see what we’re working with. Newlyweds, do we have any newlyweds at all. Stand up if you’re newlyweds, i can’t see you, wait i see a nigga standing up by herself. There she is. I could tell you newlyweds ya’ll been fucking all day, she tired. She got up like this, this nigga crazy, I can’t keep doing this. How long have y’all been doing this. A month. A month. Where is the month and half raise your hand. Month and half, where’s a month. What you got back there. You hear that nigga a month and half, loving every minute of it., I don’t know what took me so long, cause you know black people we go together thirty six years, finally get married, you know all the kids in college now, let’s go ahead and do this, that’s some beautiful shit for a month and month and half. Let’s find out where the veterans are, do we have any veterans here, anyone married for more than ten years. Twenty! Can anyone beat twenty. When we got, can we beat 20, shit we got twenty. Twenty eight but you’re so far back you don’t care, should have bought your tickets early, I can barely see you. That woman is outside by the fountain, twenty eight. Twenty four, and twenty four, where were you at. Let’s get a look at you, no no no. You sure, because we can make this whole segment about you personally if you don’t want to comply with my wishes and demands. Aww look at her front window, that ain’t really his wife, he’s been married twenty four years, they can’t even stand up. What the fuck did you put your hand up i told you to put your goddamn hands down. That’s some beautiful shit, motherfuckers married twenty four and twenty six years. I left that out, I’m sorry. That nigga don’t want to be left out. Thought we were doing bingo with this bitch. That’s e26. That’s a law, I can’t even shit. Twenty four, twenty six, twenty eight, just goddamn that’s beautiful, just day after day after day, of the same motherfucking every day you wake up. Just shit. You again. Why don’t you go on vacation or some shit. That’s some beautiful shit, you done found someone to walk with you everyday. See a month, month and a half, sometimes, y’all still have arguments and disagree, but at 24, 26, and 28, these motherfucker don’t even talk to each other anymore. Just look at this antsy ass nigga. He gonna smell that shirt. It smell like yesterday, put it on I don’t give a shit, I don’t give a shit. Sometimes he look at her like she gonna ask me does this dress make her look fat. I just go on tell her, I seen you naked stop blaming it on the dress, but that’s some beautiful shit. If you done found someone to walk with you everyday now let me show you something. If you don’t mind. Single people make some motherfuckin nose. Now did you hear how exciting that sounded. I know even month, month and half had a flashback to when you were happier than a motherfucker. Just aaah. Single people always act like we the shit. And we are, we really are, we the shit as long as we out. We quit the job when you going home, when the fuck i want to go home. I’m single, free to motherfuckin’ mingle, just until you get home to that lonely ass kitchen, you’re just in the kitchen, why won’t you send me somebody Jesus! 

Baby’s Momma

I’m just saying whatever you got in your life, be happy for what you got. Now this next thing I’m going to say is just for the fellas. Just don’t apply to you, forget I even said it. If you got a crazy ass baby momma, huh, this nigga testifying the back. First of all if your baby momma is that crazy, uh huh, I didn’t say something about baby momma and it triggered this guy’s turrets syndrome. Just yelling out phone numbers, 613, 413, if you baby momma is that crazy. The first rule you need to remember, is keep your hands to your motherfucking, self, cause these police do not give a shit if they have to come to the house, they do not give a shit. You could be lying on the ground, with both your eyes black and both your arms broke and she could be laughing her motherfuckin ass off, police mama, did he hit you, hell nah i knocked this motherfucker out, yes mama, yes ma’am but as you were knocking him out as he was falling back did he clutch at your, did he clutch at you. He damn sure did, I forgot all about that, y’all say bye to your daddy. Because he clutched at me and I forgot in the shock of the moment, rule number one is keep your hand to yourself rule number 2 is if you got a crazy ass baby momma just try and work with her ass if you can cause you might not want her motherfuckin job. I’m a single father and my son is nine years old. All I’m saying is it’s a job raising these mothers. We do not give women enough credit for this single parent shit. 

Single Father

You can stop clapping some of y’all ain’t even good mothers. Ain’t good mothers at all, your baby at home right now alone. Your baby is sleepy and crying. Just waking up. I don’t want to watch cartoons anymore. All I’m saying more to raising there’s motherfucking than being at the mall dressing right. It’s a job rasingin these motherfukcers. First of all, if you a parent your going to be tired ain’t shit you can do it about, my son wake up at 530 every fucking morning. He don’t give a shit about weekends, week days nationally holiday Katt Williams day, what time daddy got home, at 530 every morning he is up, in additional to being up at an ungodly house, he aint’ got no job, he ain’t got no bills, he aint’ go tno stres, so not only is he up before Jesus and the Mexican he is happy, he is happier than a motherfuckin for no reason, just every fucking morning at 530 he is like, morning daddy, time for some syrup. I put that nigga to bed at 528, at 530 he is just like morning daddy time for some syrup. Shit. have you got young kids, just take my advice and just be happy at whatever level your child is on, as parents you always want your kid to be doing some shit, they can’t be doing. Like when my son couldn’t talk, all the fuck i wanted him to was talk, didn’t no body tell me that once this nigga was talking he was going to ask me 500 motherfuckin questions back to motherfuckin back while we wait at stoplight, this just nigga in the car like, why is the MacDonald’s sing yellow daddy, what part of the chicken nugget is the chicken daddy? What is the difference between barbeque sauce and hot sauce daddy? Is hot sauce just sweet and tangy, and hot sauce just isn’t tangy? Why are you crying daddy, why are you crying? I don’t know shit. That’s my motherfuckin nigga though, you just gotta figure your kids out, you got to figure your kids out, I know some of you let your kids stress you, do not let your kids stress you. you have to understand the world is against you and your baby, the world is about money, making money they don’t give a fuck about you raising your children. Commierals are about 30 to 60 seconds, your child’s attention span is 30 to 60 seconds long. That’s why they want everything you look over the store and buy your child everything on aisle number 7, I swear to god, he’ll look in aislt e8 and be like this ain’t even in there. You gotta figure out your child, I tell my son the truth, and agree with whatever I can agree with. I know that nigga want everything. I understand that nigga just wants me to know, he doesn’t expect it. This is him for an hour watching tv, just, i love that bicycle did you see that bicycle, it has a bell, i love bells, i just ring it all the time even if I in the driveway. That movie came out Friday, won’t be here Friday, let’s go ahead and see it. I love pokemon daddy, Pikachu daddy, that’s fruit loops daddy. That bottom of the sea. I love bottom of the ea. Yep yep yep yep. Tomorrow nigga you never nigga. At the end of the hour he aint’ got shit, we both happier than a moth fuck sitting on the couch. I’m just saying do not let your kids stress you out, see I don’t know how you raise your kids, we all raise our kids differently. I know a lot of comics that mess white people, and tell white people they need to beat their kids. But let me tell you something, it ain’t that, it’s not like nigga got it all down pat, we all got problems. We just got different problem, they were saying that like white people are little to lenient on their children and niggas are a bit too harsh on ours, all I’m saying is that the white families is saying that you can get time our for setting the family dog on fire. At the nigga house you can get half death for forgetting to feed the dog. That’s the same goddamn dog. We just do shit that white people take this back to your community. Please stop putting your children on the godmdan leashes, that is just entertainment for niggas, we cannot wait to see that shit in the store. We Get right by the register. White kids wake up and grow up to be 26 and kill everyone in the family cause you had them on a leash like a dog. Just in the toy store like i want it i want it, black people laughing like we got the shit down pat, you got to stop beating your kids in the grove store just like in the line soon as your baby touches the skittles didn’t I tell you not just ma’am that baby is a toddler you can’t. Just saying don’t let your kids stress you out. 

Pimp Decisions

I don’t know how you raise your kids, but I’m a pimp, not because i put women on the streets, i think pimp therefore i am. I see some women written it down, feel free, feel free, so. The first rule of pimping is don’t like. So I don’t lie to my son about anything. He’s nine he ain’t never bleve in Santa clause, I can’t afford him thinning that there are white men going around the ghetto giving niggas PlayStations. No no, daddy bought that with his weed money baby, can you say sacrifice. Sacrifice. We have real conversations. That nigga came to me, few months ago he said daddy, I want an Xbox, i said sit right here pimping. Let daddy holla at you. Now the first thing indeed you to say, is that Xbox is 199.99 now daddy can do this all day everyday no problem. But I need you to understand that it only comes with one control. That means daddy can’t play with you, your friend can’t play with you, just you, that means that you have to buy another controller for 35.95, now daddy can do this all day everyday. Ain’t no problem but i need you to understand that it comes with only two demo games, you gonna be done with them tonight, that means i have to buy four five other games 45 to 50 a piece. Now daddy can do this all day everyday, or daddy can look in the newspaper under the classified section and i can get you what is known as a Nintendo 64, now it’s not goin to be new, so it’s going to come with 20 games, that other kids have opened and played with to make sure they fun. Dang man, then we have 300 dollars left over. Then we can go all over the country stop at ice cream trucks. Buy six nuggets don’t eat 6 just eat three cause we dont’ give a fuck cause we got money like that, and that nigga right there make a pimp deciiosn, you say twenty games, well then we just gonna get the nintendo there daddy. That’s my motherfuckin’ nigga. Make a pimp decision. When teh new jordnas come out, i tak that nigga to the foot locker, and let him try them on. They fight, they fight. Alright, I want you to do me a favor, I want you to run down this aisle. I’m goin to timme, only our mark, get set go, five seconds that was good, that was good, come with daddy to pay less. I want to show you something. I want to show you something. Now put the batmans on, put the batmans on, make sure the velcro is tight, on your mark get set go. Three seconds is all I’m saying. If you’re faster in the batmans, now sit right here pumping, let daddy holla at you, now if you want the jordans, daddy can get the jordans all day everyday. No problem. But for the same price as the jordans, you can get the batmans, the robins, the pokemonas the digimons, you get these have no name but they light up everytime you walk, they light up. And that nigga bling bling out the store. He like. Just saying don’t let you rkdisfuck with you. 

‘Xmas

I learned my lesson. Some of you, do all your christmas don’t get around paying the bills till october. October 19th you are still paying off shit from last christmas. Cause you tyring to keep up with white people, fuck that. Keep up with your budget, you don’t have to spend all you know the same kids that play with sticks and bricks. The same motherfucking kids. You spend 1,300 dollars on gifts, then motherfuckers don’t even play with it after the batteries run out. You have to go to the 99 cent store and get one hundred toys, they ain’t going to be name brand, and they’re gonna be torn up in a week, but any child is gonna be happy about 99 motherfuckin toys, my son was all under the tree, daddy daddy. Nigga didn’t even open them just went to sleep. I know daddy loves me, i know my daddy loves me, i know my daddy loves me. 

Relationships

Just saying life is short, gotta work on your relationships. If you’re in a bad relationship right now, you can end that motherfucker tonight. End it tonight, life’s too short for you to be in a fucked up relationship. Just tonight, when the show is over, walk right past your vehicle. No i’m done, i’;m done, thank you, go right on down fifth. Cause life is too short. Womeni know, i know ya’ll been talking about nigga and shit, i know you been saying it and i’ve been hearing ya. And it’s not the case, on behalf of all niggas here this evening. I want you to know, it’s just been a misunderstanding. Y’all just don’t understand us. We are simple women y’all think too much. Put too much pressure on yourself. Pay attention to too many mazigaines. Niggas don’t give a shit about most of the story you are concernign yourself with. I think I’m gaining some weight. Every magazine a woman reads says that you aint’ shit. Just everyone, you are still wearing their shoes, you ain’t shit, you aint’ shit. You still got that make up, you aint’ shit, you aint’ shit. I think i can speak for all nigga, when i say we don’t give a fuck about most of that stuff. There ain’t a nigga in here that was about to fuck a girl and then changed his mind cause she had wrong the toenail polish, it has never happened in the history of mankind. Ah hell no is that plum. Plum ain’t red. I can’t do that, I can’t do that. Women you just gotta remember, men are simple, we are simple. We jsut born to fuck and work and eat, and not necesasry in that order. Cause if a nigga can fuck, he no even hungry. I’m okay I’m okay. I ate yesterday, we had a tik tak, a tik tak would be nice. We are just tired of women confusing us. Women stop confusing us. Women are simple. We are tired of being at the club, you got a women dancing on you. Just. done dance the crase out a nigga’s pants, now afater the club, we exicetd than a motherfucker. So what’s cracking. And ya’ll turn into a different motheruckier. What kind of girl did you think was, I thought you were a whote. You were a whore over there, I thought you’d be a whore over here. Did we cross the no hoe line, what the fuck happened. I know women are bothered by simple shit. Women don’t like it when a man buys them a drink, then follows them all over the club all night. Clap if you hate that woman, clap. See once again, this is just a simple misunderstanding. I am not following you bitch, I am following my 7 dollar investment in our relationship. Now if you don’t want the drink, then just say no thank you, but don’t take my investment and run off with it. You done hopped in the car with another nigga, now I in the parking lot just, uh, yeah could I holler out player, either you or her owe me three fifty, that’s all I’m saying. You or her, could you or her. 

Bitch Ass…

Before I get out of here. I gotta say something that’s going to be a bit controversial but I’ve been thinking about it, and it really needs to be said. Hold on one second. Thank you so much, I heard a voice with some bass in it. What did you say sir. Yes. just stress. Ten thirty, I know my hairdresser is quite frustrated. I sweated out every curl that bitch put in. thirty eight seconds. Hairdressers are throwing out gang signs. What you got, like a hundred hair salons. What is the name of the best one? No that’s just where you go. Alright I have to say this. I want you to know before i say this, a third of the niggas in here are not going to happy with what I’m going to say but I want you know, I’ve been this size all of my life. Which means I’m not scared of it, I’ve been unctuous before it’s not that bad. I woke up in the club well rested and everything. I staat talking shit, well where the nigga now? Nigga can’t get a power nap in this bitch? And remember, that this is just my opinion. As far as I’m concerned there are only two type of niggas real nigga and bitch niggas. Now if you’re not sure where you fit in, chances are you a bitch nigga, you really are. If you look see someone smiling. Now what is that guy smiling at. Now as real niggas we know this, we see bitch niggas in the mall all the time. They be wasing and you be like what is this bitch waving, but now bitch niggas becoming a problem for real niggas. Bitch niggas are start to cause real niggas proble.m you see there are more lesbians now than there have ever been. and most of that is the fault of bitch ngigas. You can’t blame her, she been with bitch nigga, after bitch nigga, after bitch niggas, and fianlly she just be liek why can’t i just be a bitch nigga. But bitch niggas don’t’ respect women at all. They don’t understand this is not 1996, I’m going  to get mine and you’re gonna get yours. If a woman be so kind that she offer you some pussy you be so kind to fuck the shit out of her. At every opportunity that you get. But the bitch niggas don’t get and the bitch niggas starting to cause the real niggas money now. Because you went over to her house and fucked it up, and before you could. Get in your car bshe is already on the pheonw tha  real nigga, now this nigag have to get up out his bed go al the way across ncincinat and fix som shit you had no business fucking up. With your bitch ass in the first place, and gas prices are too high for that type of shit. Now i know there are some real nigga in the audience that are mad me right now, becuase they don’t understand why i’m watsting my time and my breath talking to bitch niggas, but what you don’t udnerstand is that you don’t have to be a bitch niggas all your life, after the show you can get with one these real niggas in the auidnce and let him tutor you on mondays and wednesday and friday until you get some that bitch out of your uternal now listne to me carefully if you would, btich niggas, the first thing you need to understand bitch nggas. See the bitch ngigas payign attteniton. The firs thting you need to undetrst bitch nigga, the first nut is sleerpy. It’s not just you. It happens to the best of us, sometime the first nut has the mind of its own. You could have the best intetinons in the world, oh i’m going fuck the shit oh no. now if you’re a real nigga you never let her know wha thappen. just , you are not ready yet, i’m going to eat your pussy again, you are not ready for this! There are some women mad right here, si that what he was doing! Yes you are fuckign with a real nigga. Now. since you know that the first nut is sleepy. It is your oblviation to get hta motherufker out of the way before you get to her house, you need to be on the highway working tha tmotherfucker out. Just. that way by the way you get ot her house you are already on nut number two, and I think I speak for all real nigga in attendance today, there is nothing more powerful than arriving at her hosue at nut number two. You don’t be bullshiting go on and lay down go on lay down, you might want to wrap your hair up, you might want to wrap your hair up, now listen to me carefully if you would bitch niggas. Once you put on your condom and you are safely in sinside. The only word that should be in your head is concentration . You don’t have to be looking in their eyes, or caressing her softy or smelling the traspeeby shit you need to be looking at everything in her house but her. Just keep your focus, sing a little song off key just to keep yourself focused, just a b c d f , now listen to me closely bitch nigga, if you feel it slipping away, remember this is a one man sport you make all the rules. Do not be ashamed to get out the pussy if you feel it start slipping away, just a b c d. E f g, h i j k, pay attention if you would bitch nigga, now I know, I know because I’m moving so quickie that I haven’t had had time to talk about eating the pussy and that makes the bitch nigga think that maybe they wouldn’t have to do it, see it’s that type of thinking right there that quialtifies you for being a bitch nigga rig there. Bsee real nigga know something that bitch nigga have never found out, see it’s so quite right here you can hear a bitch nigga drop. See real nigga know I’m not eating the pussy for you, oh no, oh no, if you undersatnw aht I’m saying I’m not eating the pussy for you I’m eating the pussy for me. See I’m not eating the pussy, i know you came twice and clitic up twice and damn near suffocated me, now I have the rare opportunity of surprising you with the dick. You forgot all aobu thte dick you brought dick to. Oh my god girl this nigga brought dick too pay atteiotn to me, if you would bitch nigga, now. Once youve been doing it correct for about 27 and three qwusarter minute you are going to start to feel a pain in your side like you been exicswring, na i know this i where a bitch nigga ornigady go on and call it a day ut if you can manage to fuck thorugh the pain, see she don’t know you in pain, she thinky ou are genius and are hitting it from the side, so continuous to hit, through the ptin because 14 minutes after your body is going to go into auto pilot. And i think i speak for all real nigga in attentdcen today when isay there is nothign more wonderful than feeling your body go into autopilot. Cause now you got time to have fun with her, you ahvce time to enjoy yourself, you have time to do stupid shit, like look at your own dick, now look aroudn at the stupidl ook on the bitch nigga face right now. I think i speak for all real nigga in attence when i say ther eis nothign mroe wonderful than looking at your own dick, you can seet hat motherucker jsut some of you nigga can’t do it nowhere cause you have to be so close to the pussy. Y’all been all that i’ve been katt thanks for the time. 

Audience Testimonials

(this is just a bunch of random people being like Katt WIlliams was great”)

Colin Quinn – Parking Lot

Colin Quinn – Parking Lot

I haven’t seen any of Colin Quin’s stand up, but i did see him live once at the comedy cellar, and he was the second best that night, right after Michelle wolf, who fucking killed it. This is a special fileded during 2021, and it’s just a drive-in show. Colin quin frames it like he came up with the idea, and was the first to do it. But it’s like, c’mon dude, as soon as covid began comics began trying weird shows to fill the void. I went to one of those weird car shows, it was bad. 

I wne to one of these shows. It was awful. Hannibal Buress and friends came to indianapolis. To a drive through. Me and my friend wnet, we drove all the way up, the best part was just getting to talk to my friend for so long. The actual show was straight stupid, if you ask me. I wasn’t into it. Hannibal got up, did about ten minutes of bad standup that didn’t hit. He didn’t know how to make it hit a car audience. After he did ten minutes, he brought up a comic from Chicago that was not good, and then he brought Dj Marshmello. Dj Marshmellow made me feel like I had wasted my money. During Dj Marshmellow’s set we thought about leaving, but instead we both just went to the bathroom, which took about 20 minutes because it was a parking lot show. I do want ot say I think Hannibal is fucking great and one of the best comics in the game. This wasn’t a good show for him, he was obviously rusty and 

This special was also bad. Of course there was nothing as bad as the Hannibal Buress show. Because I had to wait in line for that. But Colin Quinn’s park lot special was bad because all of the comics were talking about how bad it was, and it wasn’t focused on the comedy. Itw as focused on the cattiness of the comics int he back,a nd their dumb antics. This was treated like a podcast. Apparently Quinn asked the comics to do new material, so it’s like… why would I want to see that? I hope we never have to try to do parking lot shows for people in their cars again.

Eddie Pepitone – In ruins

Eddie Pepitone – In ruins

Rounds of applause

(Piano) ladies and gentlemen put your hands together for the bitter buddha, Eddie peptone. Yeah! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, how about a round of applause for the comedian who were out here. Round of applause if you thought Lincoln’s death was inevitable, just because of how it played out, with the south and the hatred of the south, round of applause if you think it was inevitable. Yes. Right. Round of applause if you cannot access god. Round of applause. What, I can’t access god. What is all this talk lately, of accessing god, through mediation pilates, I have friends who are accessing god, I cannot access god. I just think that comedians who do that kind of vapid round of applause bullshit, I think they should do just more interesting rounds of applause. Like, to draw you in, round of applause, if you are caught in a web of lies, so interact with your wife that one small mistake on Facebook one small liking someone who shouldn’t be liked, just a tiny photo like, and your life comes down like a house of cards. Round of applause, round of applause. And round of applause if that anxiety manifested itself late at night when you have your sleep apnea mask on. This is also the comic who doesn’t realize he’s talking about himself. He thinks he’s relating he’s being too damn specific. You know, round of applause if that anxiety, if it manifests when you have sleep annp[ea on, by the way your sleep[ apnea mask has a Spiderman decal on it. Because you think that makes sleep apnea cool. Round Of applause. But round of applause fi the anxiety is too much. I  mean just fucking much. Round of applause if your sick of being a good fucking person all the fucking time. And the fucking leader, and round of applause the leaders nat the people that rule the country they have no moral center, why do I have to, I mean you. I am sorry. Round of applause if you’re sick of having a moral center when everything around you doesn’t have a moral center. Everything around you is just greed and profila like you’re supposed to get up and be mr. goody fucking two shoes. Round of applause around of applause if you think Brooklynn which is where we are, and this is for the viewers, you know where you most of you. Round of applause if you think Brooklyn has gotten to sauced with grilled cheese shop and peanut butter shops. What kind of burrow is this where you can get grilled cheese, grilled cheese sandwiches maybe people in Brooklyn should start thinking instead of eating grilled cheese sandwich and specialty peanut butter, maybe they should start organizing for lower fucking rents, they’re all so wrapped up in grilled cheese, and cinnamon swirl raisin peanut butter. Which is deckois. I will not deny that I had some today, but I go into these stores with a reminious alert consciousness. And where are the do whoops groups in Brooklynn, they sussed to be on every  fucking corner have they been rounded up and pout in camps, that’s the Brooklyn I remember round of applause if that the Brooklynn. 

Male Model

Feeling a little hot already. Yes i know, and now that you’ve seen the whole package. I want to answer the question that you’re all thinking and the answer is yes, I have had a lot of work done. I had my hair removed, and my belly let out, because I was too pretty, too pretty. I was a male model, I was a male model. I would leave a house with a too list and I couldn’t get anything done, because men women children and animals would lunge at my house, they’d be like hey Eddie fuck me, fuck me Eddie, I’d be like look at the to list,. I have to pick up printing paper, and twine for the recycling. They didn’t care. They were like fuck me fuck me fuck me. So in order to get things done, I said to a dermatologist in LA, I said please make me look like you people basically. I Was like, I want to feel what it’s like to cry during the day like you folks. Because male models we do not cry during the day, we fuck and fuck and then we are given small monogram sweaters. 

Hockey Fights

By the way I do rant and rave but I did just get this hat in. I actually feel really good about it. Did you ever buy a hat, where you liked it so much you look in the mirror and you’re like holy shit, this hat kind of makes up for the life that wasn’t well lived. Yes i spent thirty years in a stoned out phrase matubatring to hockey fights, but that’s because I did not have this fucking hat. And by the way I mastbatue to hockey fights because they are unpredictable. I do not like porn, it’s very predictable and what is it with my my relationship with pron. The only way I can watch porn if is if someone ‘s life is then in the scenario. 

Make them laugh

By the way i heard you not laughing there. And, it’s up to you whether or not you want to laugh, by I am dedicating this set to, I just visited a hospital in the neighborhood, I am dedicating this set to a little boy little Tomson, he was born with no bones, he’s a liquid, a liquid in a bag with no bones, he’s a puddle. With a Metcalf. And you know who the Mets are, the last forty years, since Tom Seaver really. I mean, and he managed to squid out to me, before I left the hospital, he said, Make them laugh. I, I, I, he he I don’t know how he makes a voice but it’s just through the liquid vibration hit the Metcalf and there is sound, and he was like I know it’s’ a very tense television taping for you and i know your very neurotic, and you think this night defines you, you whole fucking life. As if one hour can define someone as rich and varied as yourself and you’re basically a self-sustaining person anyway I’m digressing, he was a verbose kid for being a puddle, a verbose kid, but he was like maybe if they laugh I’ll grow a spine. Don’t feel like you have to laugh but this is for little Timmy. 

The hat bit

The thing I love about the hat too, is that when you throw it, when you throw it you have to say something great. What’s your name sir? Murph? That’s a great New York name. You don’t get murph in Nebraska, you know what you get in newbrawki, corn and despair, just long pockets of windy days, wind despair, Monsanto crops. I’m digressing again. So murph, I’m going to throw to you. The great thing about when you throw a hat, and then throw it back right away, costs a lot of money. By the way, i just want to cop to the fact to that I am not a male model, and i never was. I’ve put on so much weight lately, that when I drop something, I look at it, and I go do I really need that? Anybody know what I’m talking about. I mean I’ll look at it, it’ll be my license, I’ll believe, I’m white I don’t get pulled over a lot. Did you see what I did there, I snuck in, some social commentary. No no no. The reason I do that is most people just want me to talk about Batman and pussy. Batman and pussy. False Gordon and porn, something. That’s what we want, Eddie, but anyway. When you throw a hat, you always have to say something great, I’m goin to throw it to you murphy. It’s like, baby I got a raise. You can’t say something bad, like, they found blood in my urine. You can’t say that. I fucked your sister honey! That’s the hat bit. I bought that hat for 80 dollars for that bit. I, was not going to spare any expense tonight, the doop wop grousp are gone., lets make it his a night to remember. .

Charlotte

I know i rant and rave  but I, I come off like an angry guy, but I recently found a couple things, that make me happier. I got this little terrier dog. She’s a rescue dog, charlotte. You ever get a dog and your so freaking attached attached to him. Like she’s a rescue so she feels abandoned, and I’ve always felt abandoned. So we’re both on the same wavelength, if I forget something on the second floor she follows me, then I’m following her. All over the apartment. Charlotte are you okay. Yes I’m okay. Do you need a treat, i need something. You need something I need something. You’re lucky to see me you really are. You hit a homerun. I know you’ve had to go through some claidsetnic, but you really hit a homerun by coming out here. What the hell else are you going to do. I have cahoalroote now. By the way the reason I love dogs, I have five cats, andi fucking love cats, there is a tremendious teremoisou feline love, and I have five cts and dog. I know what you’re thinking god what a renaissance man. But there are no dogs so much more immediately. And i prefer them, much prefer them. This is not offensive, I just much prefer them over people, just unconditional love. You people you’re just cunning deceitful fucks. No offense. You’re ruining people’s lives as we speak. Person next to you oh yes Julie, definitely definitely we’re together forever. But dogs they are so in the fuckin g moment, get in the moment. Yea yeah yeah you have a bad disease, but dogs, let me check twitter, no no no hopefully he’ll pull through. 7 notifications. But i have charlotte. And I’ve turned charlotte. Round of applause. This is a real one, if you own a dog. Not enough of you, a lot of strays, get on it. It’s not about you. Hcare for other assholes, enough grilled cheese and peanut butter and smoking pot and jerking off to twitter thumbnails, sorry I’m going off again about myself. But I’ve turned my dog, into my shirk I’m talking to her now, as if she’s my shirk, because I’m bored to tears with my real shrink. We understand each other, I’m there to fill an hour, she gets some insurance money. But now I talk to my dog like shes’ my shrink. Charlotte, you don’t hink I have diabetes do you? I mean, they fuck up blood work all the time. Those centifuges they use, a lot of them are suspect. Charlotte, you don’t think the cops saw me side swipe that car? In the shopping supermarket parking lot, I mean the police would be here already right? Charlotte. It’s not too bad that I threaten people anonymously online right, Charlotte I have enough money in my bank account online right? By the way if Charlotte knew how much money I have in bank account, instead of running and chasing balls she’d just be in the apartment smoking cigarettes. Just like great, I thought I landed on my feet here. What the fuck I can’t believe it. Another guy on the cusp. 

Commercials

The other thing that has been making me feel good lately even though i rail against it. Corporate culture once in a while I like when I get a new product, and I get a new Honda element vehicle. And i fucking love it, because it’s kind of big, you know, and I like that, because there is room to wheep, there is so much room to wheep in this car. There Is a lot of space for bad. I can regret my past life decisions in my car with satellite radio. Just kick it back. Be just more honest in their advertising, I would respect corporations more. Like if an oil company was more honest in their ads. I think this would be a great ad for an oil company. A guy seal company is out in a suit, next to him is a dolphin tied up in a steel tensile capable. And there is oil all over it, and he’s like alright, i hear a lot of you are talking to switching to solar and wind, alright, and also some of you, not a lot of you because your too involved in grilled cheese, but some of you, are demonstrated against fracking just because it’s destroying your water supply. You keep that behavior you keep switching to solar or wind or demonstrating against fracking and we kill a dolphin every five minutes. BOOM, that’s one. That was pregnant as well. We don’t give a fuck. We destroy prince William we destroy the gulf of Mexico, your fucking next. They always smile at the end. I never book commercials because I was always too angry, but I did think, because it’s that world that is not connected to anything, that happy world not connected to reality. I would just show up at auditions just furious. But I did think of a commercial I could do, it would be for vikian, because i got addicted to vikien for a few months a few years ago, because I couldn’t’ afford a real vacation. Which is what drugs, that’s what drugs are there vacation for poor people, mini vacation, come home again. Come, come to Vitim. Come. escape your life, I don’t know why I’m doing that accent, it came out in the momenta, and that’s what’s important. I have a great life coach that committed suicide recently trying to get me to do pull ups. He took his life, because of the lack of progress. Here is how the kidan committee would go, I could book this. The camera is panning in slowly toward me. I’m looking at the camera and I’m like vikatan come to think of it, I am a little sore. And it stays on me, as my face gets more and more insane. They Should let actors go, they should let actors go on commitment instead of having them say their horrific bullshit. Like using this credit card! They should just keep the camera on them, use this credit card because I am dying. I am dying and I have to do this bullshit, and all my friends congratulate me when I become a corporate stooge. 

Tossing Facts

But I’ve gotten another thing that calmed me down a little, I’ve gotten married recently. And we’ve been married a couple years, and we’ve been together for about nine years. I don’t know if you guys have experienced this but when you’re with someone that long you just run out of shit to say. You just do. We are now at the point, where we just toss facts back and forth at each other. We just do. I live in la, not come to you, I live in a soulless sunbaked landscape of acpol cyclists proportion. We’ll just be in a car for an hour and a half, dnd then I’ll just hear from my wife, do you know the grey parrot lives to a hundred? And I’m like really, this is what is come to? And I get competitive, like i didn’t know that they fray parrot lives to a hundred. And I’m afraid she’s going to go to sea turtles and I’m not going to know that. I know they live very long I’m not sure. So I’m like fucking, so I’m like, baby don’t start with the length of different caresatures lives. Cause  I know shit aobut sacofin eddie that will knock your fucking socks off. Did you know saco invented the panpi press. I just make shit up. Yes he invented the panini press, and vissie always worked on his abs. Constantly i just. 

Covered in blood

I do the acting thing in la which mean, I spend a lot of time in my apartment just looking througmy blinds goins, what the fuck is marget doing the lbaurny fro, just bullshit because I’m usually covered in blood I don’t know why. By the way I don’t think that people should be ashamed to be covered in blood in this day and age. I’d like to be the union guy for people covered in blood. Look. let’s not be mebrased that we’re covered in blood it’s a fucking tough fucking economy out there. If you can’t wipe it off or stop the bleeding, still go to the job internet, have a cock with you. I will represent you, we’re all covered in blood, just blood coming down. 

Blue collar lounge singing 

But I’ve always wanted to be a singer but I can’t really keep a tune or anything. I’m going to try to do a little here. Just cause I got you guys here. I got you guys here, and i always wanted to be like the Vegas like lounge singer, but i wanted to the guy that sang about real shit. I feel like the Vegas guy sings about bullshit, they’re like I made so much love with you. Bullshit, just sing about real shit, i would be the singer that would be like this, I’d be the Vegas singer like. I am 55 and I have never learned how to fold clothes. I take a nice shirt and I fold the left sleeve and then right and I fold it over and I wind up crumpling it into a ball because it looks like shit because it looks like shit when I fold it. I’m 55. I still don’t know where a crease in a pants is where is the crease in pants? Hey! How come whenever I take a shower, and see a little black mark on my skin i think I’m going to die. I immediately go to death. Black mark holy shit. Scurrying a little gets a little weird, then I go definitely going to die, definitely going to die. And that’s even though i’ve done that many years with other little thing on my body but i always think this is the one. This is definitely the one. I can’t figure out why i want to be alive, yet I’m afraid of dying. What the fuck is that. I can’t figure out why I want to be alive, yet I’m afraid of dying. Is it because every organism goes towards life, or is it because organisms go toward life. I say bring on death. I wouldn’t have to worry about all kinds of shit. Why aren’t i loved by everyone, fuck you, why not? I even get angry at women who don’t look at me as an escalator is passing them by. If I’m going up one way she’s going down another, if I make eye contact and she looks away, I don’t like her, I don’t like her. I have no idea who she is, but i have an resentment that lasts for hours. Sometimes I think about that person at night, how sick is that? I’m not sure why i like to watch murder, real life murder on television, not the fake stuff the real stuff. This dentist had a secret life, and I’m in. can’t turn it off, gotta see it off. Need to see what this stupid fuck dentist from Florida did. And how I watch these shows with something called an eating shirt. I like to watch forensic files at two and three in the morning. It has holes in it and specs of blood. This way when I’m eating soft thing which i love late at night. I love to eat soft thing and eat late at night and watch real life murder. And I have fake tooth in the front of my mouth and I take out and put on the bureau with not water or anything what I am thinking. When I get so involved in this thing called the forensic files I don’t care about this little thing called the flipper tooth. Soft food just dripped down my eating shirt and I love to watch the murder the murder. thank you. 

Reporting live 

I think I missed my real calling, calling  not cooling. Yes I’m indigenous to this area. Got a problem with that? But i think I’m issued my real calling. I think I should have been a reporter in the field for disasters, because I watch disasters on TV and they send reports, like Anderson Cooper who looks all quaffed, and you really get no sense of the disaster because the person they sent there looks so put together. They should have someone like me, just some horrorfiy disaspter, and they just throw it to me, like OH MY FUCKING GOD. HOLY SHIT. and the twist is that I haven’t even left my apartment. I’m just reporting about what I see around me. My cats, i have five cats, they’ve spit up all over the place. What the fuck, one of them urnial on a chair constnatly we buy all kind of shit, no matter what we do. I’m not going to put her down. I’m a vegan, I can’t do it legally, once you declare. I dropped cherriors, this morning, and I get fucking get to them under the fridgator.

Stand up tragedy 

I think the time has come, in this country I think things have gotten so bad, and think they are going to get worse, I think we should close down the comedy clubs and open stand up tragedy clubs, enough of this comedy, people talking about batman dn pussy, I like to high and drunk, fuck it, lets open a up tragedy clubs, this my impersonation, just open up tragedy clubs instead of names like chucklsan the funny bone the names are called like aw fuck. You going to aw fuck tonight. Or just ulcers. You’re going to have perforated ulcers. Or another name for a club, noooo, why don’t we head down to noooo. Let’s head down to noooo. But this would be my impersonation of a stand up tready club, hi good evening folks, um, i just had to put my wife down in a tub. Because we ran out of money and we have no support system, thank you thank you very much. Thank you. After this set I’ll be looking for food on the road, thank you. Thank you. I’m surrounded by so much death that it hurts very much. Thank you very much these are the tragedies folks get with them. Please folks. And my catchphrase instead of getting her done, would just be like, god please save me! And everyone at work the next day would be doing that. Instead of getting her done just around the cooler that’ filled at this point with sulfuric acid, they’d be around the cooler like god please save me, wasn’t he really sad, wasn’t he really sad? 

The price of the Iraq war

But I wish, I wish I’ve gotten so far to the left with all the shit that’s gone on in this country. I wish my politics would bleed into, like game show, because I like to watch game shows like I said I have this competitive element to me. I’d like  to see for an instant, like a woman from Oklahoma has to guess the price of the Iraq war. Instead of a blender. Like, it would be great, she’d be like, the curtain would open and it’s just fucking real life carnaiage., just what real life industrial carnage is. People running around on fire, limbless. She’s just jumping up and down like I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know. And people are yelling like five billion a day. Five billion. Did we wrap up the Iraq war? No, there is a standing army there. Many many troops. Hundreds of guys with training. Does that include agragansian? Ten billion, ten billion a day with afghanistan. Is Guantanamo bay still open? Yes. yes. But I would say ten million, I don’t know I don’t know. Then avet gets up in the audience, you can’t put a price on it. Don’t play their fucking game. War is just big business. They just give us one fucking energy after another, it used to the Russian it used to be gaddafi now it’s Castro, now it’s al quin. They just put a face on fucking fear, they just want to make money. They’re Just making poor people fight rich men’s wars. And she starts. She’s still jumping up and down, and she’s starting to get the message that it’s not a good fucking thing. Don’t you fucking do it. Alright, it’s not right, don’t you fucking. 350 dollars! 

The horsey song

I actually think that pretty soon, because of unemployment, call me an optimist, pretty soon there are going to be legions who are unemployed and they’re not going to have homes, even worse than it is now. And they’re all going to be kept behind barricades. They will have twitter and facebook so don’t worry about that. Sound familiar? But they’re going to be liegson of them, and my job for me is to stay alive. I will be the entertainment. These people will still need to be etneratien. It will be a big podium like a science fiction movie. But instead of doing stand up for them I’m just going to come out in a horsey suit, and sing to these people,and it would go like this, just imagine a legend of disposed people but they’re Americans so they love to be entered, and they’re entertained easily. Just come out in a horsey suit and i’d start singing, well. The, manfcating basin in this country is gone. I’ll give you that. The food supply has been poisoned by Monsanto. I’ll give ya that. Those crops turned out to not be too good. That pesticide called roundup has led to autism, I’ll give you that. There’s a pandemic of viruses and anxieties in this country and all the money has been cut for mental health. I’ll give you that. It’s just an aiton full of temporary workers, who don’t have any benefits because instead of being an organism and being a community, you were on Facebook and twitter and eating grilled cheese. I’ll give you that. Oh, sing horsey the song, sing the horsey the horsey song. 

Magicians

I really hates magicians, I don’t know if you saw the segue there. Just make it up. I hate magicians. They have that long stringy hair, and they’re always doing shit like, oh the quarter the quarter got bigger the quarter got bigger. Hey magician who gives a fuck. You want to do ao trick, make me feel safe in this world. But they can’t do that, they can’t do that shit, they’re always like, the doves the doves came out of the hat, maybe you brough tit that’s my fucking guess, and I’m also guessing that you keep it drugged with an eyedropper with something like valium in it or something else that i like a lot. You keep those poor things drugged and they’re a symbol those doves. Doves in a hat are fucked up. They’re a symbol of peace for the children. Always make someone feel bad when you say for the children, for the children. If someone catches you taking their mail just go, it’s for the children. They won’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. But they’ll be a little hesitant to come at you. Even if you home invasion them, it’s for the children! And I also feel like, if I bought my wife near a magician, I fucked your wife you didn’t see it. Yes i did asshole. I fucked her again. That one I didn’t see, that was a good one, that was a good trick. 

Product snottiness

I can’t stand the snootiest of certain products lately. The way fucking people are sold wine. The way they get into wine is hilarious to me. I was at a dinner party the other day, and my friend actually said, I think this wine has a gleeful finish. If you ever hear a friend saying that, tell him to work in a prison. Because he is not tethered to reality. It’s’ done, it’s gone. He’s living in a gourmet specialty world. I like to fuck with people at a dinner party and take a sip of wine and say you know I disagree. I think it has a silly finish. No really, I think this wine tastes like a car full of clowns. Do you detect notes of a handbasket? I do. Slight hand buxx. No one else, sense the floppy shoes in this wine. It’s’ me. I actually had a friend say to me about a wine, and they always say it like this, this wine, this wine has just the slightest trace, as if you would want anything with a slight slight taste. Slighted hint of the forest floor. And I was like, forest floor. That’s where people get murder, haven’t you seen twin peaks, Cleveland bomber killed Laura palmer in the forest it was brutal, and i think it happens in real life. I do not want murder in my wine. And fucking yelp. Is suppose to help us select products. Have you ever read yelp let’s say a review on a fucking Mexican restareutan and the first yelp review will be like this taco was so good that I wanted to have sex with it. And then the next yelp review will be like this taco killed my entire family, they’re all dead, I’m alone now, wondering in a landscape of broken dreams because of this restaurant. What do you do? It’s sex, apparently the quality varies greatly, day to day, I’ll give you that. And they also sell cigars like that to men, guys who smoke cigars, oh, it’s a vingar, it’s got an oaky rhyme, they start throwing in a jaxx term. There Is a cochon panny  of very psychotic butterflies. Or whatever the fuck they say. They just make this shit up. And they always have to sell cigars. In cigar africano magain there is always seom cliebery like george clony. In a tux with a bigar. What the cover of vinegar affiontary should be it should be a guy in a track about to hit a small child in a wife beater. With a little cigar out of his mouth. Cigars because life is tough. And also I also don’t want to buy a cup of coffee with a backstory anymore. I can’t deal with all the information i get in gourmet coffee shapes about where the coffee was grow how it was grown who died for this fucking coffee, no more backstory to this cup of coffee. It’s just too hilarious. I like to go in to these gourmet coffee shops and fuck with the barista. By the way barista is an Italian word for richter eis no maniguatin base anymore. So we’re giving you the name Batista so you can feel somewhat good about yourself, because you’re making coffee for entitled scumbags. What i like to do is just run into coffee shops and just go hey, what elevation was this coffee grown at. And the sad thing is they usually know that 7000 feet know. 7000 feet, do you think I’m an asshole? I don’t drink anything under 11k . I don’t drink any coffee under 11,000 feet, I’m not a fucking idiot. Neither is my wife, entierh is my children either you get this grown at a higher elevator or I organize the community to get your fucking asses out of this negaitor you people are trash, grwoingi at 7-000 feet. Fucking morons. 

Three point plan

I also hate self help gurus, they’re especially prevalent in la, you know the people who do shit like, i can change your life with my three point plan. What they should say is, I can change your life, my three point plan but you already have to have a lot of money and a good support system around you. My plan does not work for bork and shattered people. It only works for obtusely bored rich people. Sort of it works. I’m not helping the homeless. But i feel like these self help gurus would be around no matter what, if there wan apocalypse, i don’t know what going to come first either an eco meltdown, or a financial ruin which will lead to widespread rits and pure carnage, or nuclear strike which is immediately, by the way thank you for coming. I don’t know which will come first. Buti feel like there would still be a self help guru around. Let’s say there are like fifteen people left on the planet. This is my impersonation of a self help guru with fifteen people left on the planet. Alright. So, we have no water, we have no gas. We have no editable food, we have no electricity except for this mic. Don’t ask me how that works. The ocean have rise, temperature outside are a 110 degree, there are rapid dogs, itetage gangs are raping the surivirors. Lawlessness, carnage. But i say why not realize your goals. A Lot of people are using this apocaly to coward in fear and kill and slaughter each other, i say lose that last ten pounds. And my last ten pounds mean literally the last ten pounds. Now I have a three point plan that can get you through the apocalypse. Number one, learn how to play a musical instrument i believe a twig can be fashioned into a flute. Number two with that skill is finding a mate. Now gentlemen, I know we haven’t seen women since the nuclear strike but I believe if you play the flute they will come. Nothing about music. And number three when you find a woman have a baby and start a new civilization, funny story these soulless corporate fucks. They always have a funny story. Funny story. I was walking, through the forbidden zone, getting better, and I saw a man, eating, a small child. Hold for it. I said to him, is that your boy? He said, it was. I said, do you feel like giving up?” He said I do. I said, what if I had a three point plan that could get you through the apocalypse? He said I’m willing to try. And today he is doing very well, staring at the sun and mastbaiygn on a diamond. 

B 52 bombers

I also hate how the NFL particle has been turned into a commercial for the military. It’s unfucking real. The last super bowl, which was played in Giants stadium, I’m a big fan. They’re always flying b 52 bombers. For some reason, over head of the games, and by the way, if they were going to do that, the least they could have done is drop a couple of good players for the giants. If you’re gonna fly over they suck this year. Yes I am pander to the sports crowd occualisy. But like they always have a big announcement, a great big announce like, “ladies and gentleman flying over head is the 101 airborne division with b-52s combers” I wish these annocueres would tell the truth, like i wish they would be like “ladies and gentlemen are B 52 bombers, each one the b 52 bombers, could be 50 libraries in your community. You would actually have an infracsutruce that didn’t look like it was held together by spit. But instead all you have is an outward manifestation of imperialism evil, enjoy the game!” my point is they cost a lot of money to kill people. 

Insomnia

And the other group of people I can’t get down with are the real new agey people who are not connected to reality. I have really bad insomnia. Once in a while I will call up one of my new age friends, and I’ll be like, I can’t sleep, what should I do? Oh Eddie, just drink some sleepy tea. And i’m like, sleepy time tea? Oh really? Ist that going to make up for the fact that I was molested? And i owe three guys five grand by friday? And I endured being kept in a steel box for the first 25 years of my life with two pin prick holes in them? Through one of the holes I was kept alive with an eye dropper of high fructose corn syrup which it turns out is very bad for you. And through the other hole I could just barely make out a naked man in a clown mask, waving his cock spelled out, please help me with sperm and every once in a while he would have a meal on a marble surface. And then the new age people get really nervous and they’ll like to try it with a lemon and honey and they hang out. ALright everybody thank you so much! 

Tig Notaro – Drawn

Tig Notaro – Drawn

Shrek retold takes the classic story of Shrek, and gives it to dozens of people to animate, and reenact. Each entity takes a piece of the story, sometimes as short as a few seconds, sometimes as long as a whole scene. It’s a crazy experience that you have to try for yourself. I loved Shrek Retold. It is one of my favorite movies ever. It added so much to the story of Shrek, the bombastic nature of changing animation styles. 

There was a joke about Jenny Slate trying to get a coffee with Tig, and failing to, because each time she tried to contact Tig, Tig was undergoing exceedingly bad situations. This is an interesting thing, because it is a different version of the story we hear from the classic live set. It’s one that further away, the funny isn’t a moment like the “hello, I have cancer is’ ‘ now it’s moved on to tragedy with time. And it’s less pressing. I think one thing about that Hello I have cancer bit, that doesn’t get talked about is how it plays into Tig’s established character. Is she just fucking with you, is a thought and idea that an audience member who would have known Tig, and the other comics watching would aren’t her best friends, would have connected with. 

I just wish it was more chaotic. The comedy itself has an element of embracing chaos. There is a moment when a spider is on stage and Notaro talks about it. She also has moments of audience interaction. Both of these moments work very well with being animated, but why not just animate it in a consistent way?

The Friends of Ringo Ishikawa

The Friends of Ringo Ishikawa

The friend of Ringo Ishikawa is a slow moving quiet game that I fell in love with. My boyfriend calls it pixel Yakuza. That’s not totally off, but it doesn’t quite do it justice. There are none of the jokes of a yakuza game. But there are impactful moments and messages, it feels more like a novel than other games. 

The Friends of Ringo Ishikwa starts with you on a train and you’re fighting a bunch of dudes, and eventually you get knocked out and you wake up in your home. Then your teacher calls you into their classroom and tells you to straighten up your act, and that you’re a good kid.  The game doesn’t tell you anything. It doesn’t tell you that you can get a scholarship or how to get a job, you are just unleashed on the world. I love this. I missed things, and there were things I didn’t catch until late in the game. But that’s okay, that’s how things are sometimes. 

The soundtrack is great, and is used wonderfully. It adds a sense of maturity to the game. It makes it feel like high school. My favorite track is called Mr. Boogers and is played in a Macdonalds like area where I bought most of my food. There are other great tracks, but that one in particular has become the song I’m listening to consistently. I wish the special edition had a soundtrack, cause then I’d pay a pretty penny. 

My favorite part of the game is having your character read books. There are about a dozen books you can buy, each classic literature. Then you can go to the library and read self help books. I Didn’t discover the library until late in the game. One of the books in the library will give you speed reading so you can read many more books. I read all the books in the game on my first playthrough. 

You have to make money so that you can buy something to eat. I got a job at a video store, which meant that I was skipping class. I didn’t realize that you could get a scholarship on the first floor by talking to a teacher, until late in the game. So I just worked at the movie store, which only really paid just enough for me to have enough to eat. 

When the game ended, and it had a great ending, I was sad. Not just because of the actual ending, which was perfect, but because I had just saved up enough to buy a tv and vhs combo. I had been working towards this for the entire game, and I had finally reached the mark. 

Everything in the game did such a great job at making you role play as Ringo. There are small details like how you can light up a cigarette, which is small, but has great animation and says so much about Ringo’s personality. Everything you can make Ringo do, how he does it, says so much about him. How he slumps at his job at the video store, how he seems detached but chill about his friend’s theatre performance, the jokes his friends make to him. Ringo is a good kid, but he’s in a place that makes it hard for him to see a way out.

Michelle Wolf – Nice Lady

Michelle Wolf – Nice Lady

Can we focus

Ladies and gentlemen, Michelle wolf! Thank you, thank you. Wow. Boy. what a time to be alive, huh. I probably don’t need to say this but  should just let everyone know I am feminist, yeah one person that’s all, that’s about average. Oh, feminism is very unpopular, I should also point out I’m not I’m not like a buy my own drinks feminist. We all have our line and mine is at the bar. In want equal pay and a chadra. Well then just the chardonnay. I do think as feminist we’re fighting for too many things right now. There are some feminist that are like we want to get paid the same and then there are some feminist that are like we want to free the nipple on instagram. It’s like hey can we focus, I know she’s more fun can we focus. It’s like during the revolutionary war some of them were like we want to be independent and others were like we want to free the nipple on instagram. Maybe England should stay in charge of you, you should like you’d be easily irrentestoin. Just like logically we focus our attention and power on one thing, so personally I think we should go after equal rights but if someone made a vote and we went nipple then fine, I’m a team player I’ll go nipple. It’s just hard for me that it’s was a woman’s idea, sound sliek a man infiltrated a meeting and was like we gotta get these nipples on instagram, did you hear we can’t, it’s not fair, we’re women, you know men my main concern is the woman. That’s why I call them the woman. And the whole debate is that men are aloud to have their nipples on instagram and women aren’t.. Here’s an easier solution, just get male nipples off of instagram. I’ve never seen a male’s nipples and been like, oh now my day is better. Boy do i love looking at those useless skin tags. We gotta focus, we got to focus on what we’re fighting for, we can’t stop and look at shiny objects. We can’t campaign about whose on money. Like I mostly use a credit card and there is a picture of a cat on it, and I picked it because I’m the person you think I am. There were a ton of options and I was like a cat and then I saw there was another cat option and I was like I gotta open another account. I’m not a monster, no I don’t want to donate to your children’s charity. Like why do I want a woman on a dollar anyway, it’s not like amen is going to look down on it and be like oh right I’m going to start respecting these. I’m sorry stripper I can’t give this to you, I mean mrs. stripper. 

She’s a bitch

So much is happening right now. I think a lot of us are still trying to figure out why Hillary lost. I do have a theory on why Hillary lost. I think it’s because no one likes her. I voted for her but I don’t like her. Like if she came up to me at a party I’d be like I’m sorry I have to go to the bathroom. And then if she came up to me in the bathroom I’d be like I’m sorry I have to use the men’s room. I just made a life choice. But you shouldn’t like Hillary. She’s a bitch. Anyone with that much power is a bitch. We’re never going to have a nice lady run for president. Nice ladies aren’t in charge of things, and if your in charge of something and you think your a nice lady, no one else does. There are whole email chains about throw much your not a nice lady. And Hillary is not nice and she’s not fun, she doesn’t go to brunch. She eats  hard boiled eggs in the morning and then the rest of the day, she doesn’t peel, she just casings in her fist. She gets hungry in the afternoon and slaps a man, and goes full now. Ig et it I get not liking Hillary. But one thing that I get is that some guys are  like you know what it is, i just can’t listen to her, she has a shrill voice. And it’s like, well sometimes! That is just what happens to your voice. Sometimes you’re a person with a shrill voice, there is nothing you can do about it. Because you don’t get to chose your voice. I was never, oh you know what, I’ll take the voice that causes dogs to gather outside, no no , I want it to be so shrill that if I sucked the helium out of a balloon it wouldn’t change at all. That might be a 100 percent true thing that happened to me. But that’s how it is!. One two punch hi how are you. Oh this seems like it will be normal. I get it, i get it, you don’t want four years of this voice. Just like you don’t want to wake up next to his voice, you don’t want me going hey good morning oh you lost your boner, this is a real wind out of the sails voice. This isn’t a phone sex voice. No one is calling in to hear where you want to put your penis. This isn’t a sexy voice. But it is a voice that gets shit done. It’s like hey I’m going to keep talking unless you agree to this!

Please like and subscribe

We got to focus a lot of time, people think we’re moving forward, women are moving forward, and I’m like that progress, like sports illustrated will put a plus sized model on it’s cover. And a lot of women will be like that, so innovative. That’s progress. That’s not innovative! They just finally realized that men will also masturbate fat women. Do you want to be innovative, put a completely clothed woman on there, and talk about her personality. Just a full spread about her knitting hobby. Even women will be like I don’t want to read that, plus it’s a magazine. And they’re just a whole wave of women right now who are showing that they’re confident by posting naked or almost naked pictures so line being like I don’t care what you think about my body, I’m confident, please like and subaive. And it feels anti feminist to be like don’t posit that, but also it’s like I don’t know what the goal is here. I don’t know what you’re working toward. I don’t think Ruth Bader Ginsberg is ever even like I gotta get out of this robe and show people what I’m really about, plus I know they’re all dying to see this little bored body. We want every women to be confidence and we want every women to be beautiful. You have to be beautiful. Like Bruce Jenner turned into Caitlin and immediately, 

The bathroom controversy

So much is happening. We’re trying to figure out where trans people can go to the bathroom. Who saw that one coming. Probably translate people. And here is the thing, most politicians are men, and men are making the laws, and they think that if trans women use women’s bathrooms, that women will feel unsafe. And I think that comes from a fundamental misunderstanding about what happens in a women’s bathroom, and to be fair, we have made it very mysterious. We always go in groups, there is huge line outside, people go in but they never come out. It’s a whole Willy Wonka situation. When we finally do get back to the table we giggle and you’re like what happened, and we’re like we can’t say, but I have new hair now, also this is my new best friend Ashley, she’s goin to live with us. Every woman has some kind of Ashley from the bathroom on their phone. Mane do to, but for a very different reason. We’ve made the bathroom very mysterious, but in reality in a women’s bathroom, if at any point you see genitals something has gone very wrong. We are very private people. No one is walking in the bathroom, like labia out ladies. Let’s get to comparing. You’re not a redhead. I want to see that, no we’re private. We go in the bathroom, we go in the stall, we pee poop or cry and leave. The only thing we’re really worried about is whether they know I’m the one that poops. I tried to cough a lot and the hand dryer was on, which is a crazy thing for women to worry about in a women’s bathroom. Who are you trying to impress in there, if anything, you should poop very loudly, cause then if there is an attacker in there, he’s like well not that one. I’m evil, not crazy. That’s good self defense in general. You have to walk home late at night, fart the whole way. Be your own rape whisele. Not today. That’s a great strategy if you just accidently fart in public. Like you thought I was going to be silent and then your body was like. Betrayed you, next time just be like yeah that was just a warning, I’m a very dangerous person. Where that came from, now if you turn your attention back to this powerpoint, you’ll see that third quarter profits are on their way up. Men, you want to make bathrooms better for women, get those four year old little boys out of there. Always poking their creepy little heads under the stalls being like, are you my mom! I told you not anymore Kevin! And I don’t know why men are so concerned about our bathroom I’m worried about your bathroom, you don’t lock yourself in a stall you just stand up against a wall and watch your each other pee, you have your pants undone while you are looking at a wall, you are just ripe for that raping. And you designed both bathrooms. You give yourself the shittier bathroom, give yourself enough stalls, sit while you pee, rest those legs. You gotta be tired from stomping on us all day. Seriously, I feel bad that men don’t get to sit while they pee, you have to walk in the bathroom knowing what your intention is. You have to walk in the bathroom like i going to poop now, women we get to be like hey I’m poopin now! This is a fun surprise afternoon poop, this has turned my day around, I’m so glad i had that yogurt this morning. Thank you Jamie Lee Curtis. 

You’re the problem

Stop it. Stop using we’re protecting woman as your excuse for getting things done, it’s bullshit and it’s an insult. I’ve never ever been scared of trans people, the only people that consistently scare me are straight men. You guys have a terrible track record. I like to think all those women clapping are with a guy right now. I do. NO! You keep using, we gotta protect women from tarnas people, when gay people wanted to get married you were like we can’t let that happen then they’ll start fucking dogs, you only said that because you thought about fucking a dog, you were like people want to fuck dogs, and gay people were like not us, and you were like some people do. Some people love a cute little puppy butt. Stop it, stop using we’re protecting women as your excuse. I was on a date, a guy offered to walk me to my door he was like i just want to make sure you get home safe. That’s bullshit, that’s not why you’re walking me to my door, that’s your last ditch effort to touch a boob. At that point in the night the most dangerous thing at my door is you. And if a robber came by I don’t think you could do anything about it, because earlier that night at dinner I learned you have a gluten allergy and you can’t protect me from a biscuit. Also that’s why you’re not coming up. There is nothing less sexy than hearing a guy be like well I can’t eat bread. Cause I’m gonna need you to be okay with yeast. But did you get it. I just want to make sure you got it. I hate to be there with someone in the back like, I didn’t get the yeast part. Go home call your mom, she’ll tell you all about it. 

Fountains and wishes

There Are so many big things happening right now. Like the environment is in terrible shape, and most people pretend they care about it, I don’t believe that anyone actually does. If anyone actually cared about the environment there is no way fountains would still exist. Fountains are real big fuck you to thirsty people. Imagine bringing a little kid from a third world country to see a fountain. He’d be like “oh wow, look at all the water, can I have a sip” and you’d have to be like, oh nono, that’s for decoration. Well can I at least grab the money out of it. No those are the wishes that people who can afford to throw in there. And you what they didn’t wish for, water. Now I’m going to show you a water park, that’s where the water is for peeing ‘in. but climate change is a real big deal, and everyone says mother nature, and i do believe nature is a woman because she is trying to kill us in the most passive aggressive way ever. It’s not some kind flood or fire cool explosion. She’s just like, what, i raised the temper a little. Oh are you uncomfortable, well maybe if i wouldn’t have if you had taken out the recycling like i asked. I’m fine. 

Natures is a woman (and she hates us)

Nature is a woman and she hates us. She hates us women. She hates us. She gave us all the icky stuff. She’s a mean girl. We’re the ones that bleed every month. She made organism impossible to find. We’re supposed to have the babies and then feed them, that seems like a thing you could have split up. There were two people involved in that. You got most of the way, you gave men miopes. What happened all of sudden at the last second were you like me you know what we’re gonna keep it over here with women. But men hang on to those nipples. Do whatever you want with them, and we’re the ones that have the babies and she made the hoel to small. Way to small. That’s a real square peg round hole situation. It’s a design flaw. If every time an elevator went down the building it broke the building you’d be like we should fix this. Every time you hear a woman talk about giving birth, honestly talk about giving birth, not the facebook version of love, this is magical and I’m blessed. Honestly talking about giving birth it always feels like the beginning of an infomercial where some guy is going to pop out and be like, are you tired of a hole ripping from a vagina to your butt, pooping on a table in front of strangers leaving you feeling embarrassed. Have you been pushing for twenty hours with no end in sight thinking there is has got to be a better way. Well there’s not. And that is why I don’t recycle. Because if mother nature isn’t going to take care of my house I’m not going to take care of her house. Also recycling is very hard. 

That woman’s a patriot

II do think though there is very serious problem that no one is talking about. I think right now it’s’ hard time to be a man. You guys are struggling. You can’t be the first to do anything anymore. You’ve done almost everything. It’s almost like there is no reason for you to live, it’s a great time to eat women. I mean we’re at rock bottom but we can only go up. We’ll still have the first female president, first woman on the moon, first woman to assassinate a president. It’s exciting, to could be you. I think it would be very easy for a woman to assassinate a president. She’d just have to be beautiful and walk up to and be like, I just want to talk to the president for a second, please. I pose like all my bones is broken. We haven’t had a female assistant because women re too nice, we get close e3nough kill the president, but instead we just end up having sex with him. That’s a very nice that we do. In general, I don’t think we’re thanked enough for that. Think About it, Monidca Lewikins had the president’s dick in her mouth. She could have assassinated him. She could have been selfish and gotten anything she wanted, if you don’t think you can get anything you want when you have a regular guy’s dick in your mouth next time bite down just a little and see if he isn’t immediately like, yeah fine we can go on vacation with your sister. Try it when you go home tonight, it’ll be fun. She has the leader of the free  world’s dick in her mouth, she could have assassinated him, she could have gotten anything she wanted, but instead she was a nice lady and she blew him and then we were mean to her. For being a nice lady. I thought at least men would have stood up for her, and been like hey that women is a patriot! But it’s a good time to be a woman and we’re on our way up. It’s a good time for us. Build men you’re done, it’s over, there is nothing left for you to do. You’ve been to the moon, you’ve been all the presidents. Even if you were like you were like, I’m going to win an Olympic medal and then turn into a lady you’d be the second. 

These seem like weapons

I feel bad for men, I think it’s a really hard time to be a man right now. You have a ton of erection medicine, hope everything is okay. Seems like it might not be. And i’m glad you have erection medicine, i think that’s great. A soft penis is very sad. A soft penis looks like the sound of sadness. You know like, wow. If you showed a deaf kid a picture of a soft peneis he’d be like I know what you’re talking about is sad. That’s actually how they taught Helen Keller, they just let her feel a soft penis. This means sad. Thank you for teaching me this new word, it’s the only way you could have done it. I actually think tahta  soft penis feels very neat, every woman here, if you had a soft penis at your desk at work, you’d play with it all day. It’s soft and squeeze it’s a stress reliever. Sometimes I’ll have a penis in my hand and it’ll be hard, and I’m like you’re ruining my time. How I feel about soft pensies, is the closest i’ll never forget to feel how men feel about boobs. Because those are also soft and squishy. Now imagine if when you felt them all of sudden they got rock hard, you’d be like, these seem like weapons. 

Making Croissants

But it’s good you guys got erection medication that’s great. No one should have a broken body part, but you make it hard for women to get birth control and that’s not fair. That’s like saying, let’s have a duel, but only one of us gets a gun, and on average that gun shoots twenty million bullets, and we’re just asking for a shield and you’re like no. We don’t even want another gun, we just want a shield. We’re saying you can have all the players on both hockey teams, we just want one goalie, doesn’t even have to be the best goalie, we’ll take your third string goalie. You can give the zombie guy a stick. We just want a guy to hit a couple pucks away. Even cars get windshield wipers. C’mon give us a chance, there is a downpour. We should be constantly given birth control, it should be annoying. Like when you leave a restaurant it shouldn’t be mints, it should be birth control. When you push a door instead of pull a door, birth control should pop out. Like you’re not ready yet. Let’s work on some other skills. It’s human. You’d be making a human, it would be hard to make a human, it’s hard to make a croissant, it takes three days to make a croissant. You can make a human in that bathroom. You cannot make a croissant in that bathroom, like how many people here have successfully made a croissant, how many people here have accidently made a human. And those two people are never the same. Because croissant makers are planners, and they’re usually a little less fun. Now if you had sex and accidently made a croissant that would be great. Finally women would be like, no I’m paying for the drinks and we’re leaving now. Drink it up little layd we’re going home and and I’m hungry and I want a falkey snake, then finally men would be like I feel like you’re using me for the corrsin. I mean I don’t care but I want you to know how I feel. And if having sex meant that you got a chocolate croissant, that never go back thing would be a hundred percent true. Even white men would be like, go i get it go. You have to go, the croissants are better, bring one home. It should be hard, it should be hard to have a human we have enough we don’t need as many as we used to. At this point if you want to have a bay, you should have to take test or two, something like let me see your iPhone screen,  oh it’s cracked. NO. you can’t carry a phone, you can’t carry a baby. 

Have it all

I don’t want to have a baby, this isn’t a aborotion joke. I’m not pregnant, I don’t want to have a baby and I gotta get out of here. I don’t want to have a baby, or a family. I want a career, and now there are a lot of people out there who are like that, but michell you don’t have to choose, you can have it all. Women can have it all. Yes, stop saying that. You act like all is good. All does not mean good. You’ve left an all you can eat buffet and said, i feel really good about myself. That crab and pudding is sitting really well together. I sure am glad I went back for spare ribs. All is not good, and even if we do try to have it all, even if a woman does want to have it all, we’ve put up to many obstacles in your way to make it possible. It’s like oh congratulations, you’re having a baby, great, couple things, we’re going to need you to get a car accident back to work as soon as possible because this is America and we don’t think you need time to recover. Also this is America you should breastfeed it’s what’s best for the baby but don’t do it in public you pig. Do it in the janitors closet under the bridge with the rest of the breast feeding trolls. Don’t take time off work when your kids are sick, also why are you such a bitch, by the way your salary is just enough to cover the cost of child care. We know your exhausted, and your trying to balance your old life with your new life but quick go have sex with your husband go now, quick, and sweetie smile. I don’t want it, men don’t try to have it all. They’re just like I got a job and a sandwich. I’m good. My wife says that if i behave for a year i can have a section of the garage where i can sit. I don’t want to be a mom, i wouldn’t mind being a dad. That seems like more fun and there are great dads out there. There are very good dads out there, but a great dad is still just an okay mom. A fork is a shitty spoon. 

The coolest thing your body can do

I can’t be a dad, that’s very upsetting i don’t want to be a mom. So I want a career. And i thought knowing what I want inli females me special, but ultimately it must makes me a waste. Like I think having a baby is arguably the coolest thing a body can do. Like I have a friend who has one arm, and then she had a baby that had two arms. You can make shit that you don’t even have. Also how pissed did she have to be when she saw that sonogram. Two arams! This is bullshit. I give this sonogram one thumbs down. Imagine how frustrating it is tying your shoe with one hand, knowing that you have two new hands growing inside of you that you’re not allowed to keep. Two new hands that you will push out of your body and walk away and never love you as much as they should. Not to mention you can grow a penis inside a vagina, like the world’s most terrifying greenhouse. Find me a horror movie with a scree plot. It is the coolest thing you body can do. Me not wanting to have a baby is like bird not wanting to fly. Okay, but your built to fly. I know, i’m gonna walk. And believe me these wings work, we’ve had to cancel a couple flights. That was the abortion joke. You have to have one. Joke or abortion take your pick. 

Look at me

We care so much about how we look. Women we put in so much effort into being beautiful, and I think we should be more like men, because they don’t really care about their bodies, and look at them, they’re successful. They’re presidents, they’re CEOs. You have never heard a CEO go, I want to get profiles up and get costs down and love me for me. You know who should care about their bodies, men! You have weird bodies, you’re gross! Your balls are gross. I’ve never seen a guy and been like, oooh I can’t wait to get his pants off and see that weird bag of stuff between his legs. What is it? It’s like a goblins coin purse, it’s like when you go to a haunted house and you stick your hand in a jar, and you’re like please be grapes. Balls seem like a real whoopsie. Like when you’re putting together furniture and you have  a few leftover pieces, and you’re like ah, those were supposed to go somewhere, they look important. I guess I’ll hang them from a sachet, even though the name sounds like a mistake. What are you gonna call me, scotrem? Okay I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was a bad time, I’m so sorry. You are so lucky what we get our faces near them, if a woman puts her balls in your mouth. You should pay her a lot of money, not in a prostitute kind of way. Like that was a very nice thing you just did, and i don’t know how to say thank you. Here is some money. It’s a selfish act, it’s selfless, there is not a single woman in the world sitting at her bookclub like you know what gets me off, a lumpy skin sack close to my mouth. I don’t know how we ever let you guys get away with calling our boobs saggy, your balls are saggy. You wear a bra. You make it fancy, you dress up for me! I get one winkle my career is over, I have to put paint on my face to leave my home, and you guys get to walk around with those winkle dangly bags of crap. You should have to put makeup on them, or at the very least googly eyes. I don’t know if that would be better or worse but it would be fun. He’s happy, he’s sad, he lost his boner, a real mr. mcgo. And the thing is I think we should all be ashamed of our body. Every single one of us. That’s why we wear clothes, that’s why animals have fur, have you ever seen a shaved cat, you look that cat in the eyes, you’re both ashamed. If you saw a turtle outside your shell! I don’t care how confident you are in your weird turtle body. Get back in there! Also can we be sure that turtles have bodies, just a head and feet, seems like it might be a scheme, and I’m the worst, tissue I say that we shouldn’t care about how we look but I work out all of the time. I run every day. I love running. I have no idea what I’m training for. Cause I’m not physically gaining any skills. The only way working out will help me in life is someone tries to rob or rape me. Something is chasing me for three to five miles at a moderately slow pace. From the beginning if some guy is like watch out I’m going to rape you, I’m like nah uh not unless you can keep this up for thirty ish minutes, altoughout I might have to stop about a mile in to stretch my hamstring. Could you help me with that, no funny business? Can you help me?

Period

Women spend so much time trying to be beautiful. So much time. When ugly things are constantly happening to us. Like everyone month we get our period. I know, we’re not supposed to talk about it. It’s very nice that we’re not supposed to talk about it. It’s the only time a human is bleeding and that’s not what the conversation is about. Like if Paul got his arm ripped off, and it was shooting blood and he walked into the office, I should tell you, a couple of my guy friends have come up to me after my show and said, hey you shouldn’t use arm ripping off as your example, it’s too extreme. Oh is it? One of them actually said, you should use nose bleed instead, oh you think it’s like a nose bleed. All this time, I could have just tipepd my hips up and it would have gone away, I’m such a dumb lady. Both arms viciously torn from his body. It’s torn from his body he walks into the office, no one is going to be like how are the expense reports Paul? Great and I feel fine. Just a normal day for me. Nothing weird happening here. I don’t want to murder you. Paul wouldn’t be sneaking off to a corner of the office to see if blood had come through his bandage. That’s happening at your work, women are walking around like did i tie my shoe no I’m good never mind. And you poor dumb men, are like she doesn’t even have laces, carol is having a weird day. The only thing you ever ask about period sis when is it going to be over, and we always give you the same answer, soon, cause we have no fucking clue, it could be ten minute, it could be over in 3 days. It could be over in three days and then and take a break for two days and come back for a day. It can be gone and then we put on clean underwear and it’s like I smell white. A period is like an outdoor cat. You know it’s coming back but you have no idea when. And it’s probably going to have a mouse. I don’t know what mouse is in that analogue but it’s gross. Every day, every day, at some point during your day you talk to a woman who has her period and you don’t know it because she says things like I’m good, how are you? When all she wants to do is lay down on the ground and fart. That’s it, like a fart you’ve never heard before. A fart that as you’ve heard it your like, i don’t know who i am as a person. Like men if you don’t know what I’m talking about it’s the kind of art you leave a party for. One where you’re like get your coat we gotta go. No it’s not safe here anymore. We got to go. Honey, we’re on a cruise ship. It doesn’t matter we going swimming. That kind of fart. A lady fart. Do you know that picture of Marilyn Monroe where her skirt is going up. Yeah that wasn’t an air grate that was a period fart. Masubate to that. You also thinking why are you esomeotinla, why are you so emotion. Well maybe it’s the hormones, or maybe it’s the fact that i haven’t shit in a week, and i got a turd the size of Danny DeVito in me. Just a real angry Danny devito. Like I’m not going anywhere. I was the star of twins. That will make anyone cry, I think if men got periods we’d have a three week work month. I also think if men got periods they would have featured out a better way to deal with it. They would have demanded a better way to deal with it. All the money and science we have is a problem. Put down your science times we got a problem. We’ll save the children another day. Put down the monkey. The Monkey. The monkey can help, it’s all hands on deck. I used to get lipstick put on me. I don’t want to work on periods. Women it’s our fault we’re not futerhe alongin period technology because we’re okay that our best solution is a rolled up piece of cotton. We’re okay that our best solution is a craft project from a special kid. One who was like, I made you a Christmas ornament, the only advancement we’ve made is sometimes they’re smaller. That was the problem. We were causing too much of a problem carrying our bazookas to the bathroom. Women trade tampons stealthier than drug deals trade heroine. I’ve given out four tampons since I’ve been on stage, if there were only women dealing drugs in the Wire no one would have gotten caught. Sugar bell would still be alive, sugar bell wouldn’t have taken out a tampon. Is that gross because a woman today took it out then shook a hand and said I’m good how are you?

Nice Lady

I’m single. And i don’t want to be in a relationship, i don’t want to be in a relationship for the same reason I don’t want a kid. I don’t do anything in my life to be more important than me, but the jig is up, I’m not a nice lady. You know my friends will say things like aren’t you afraid of dying alone? Is that why you got married? You’re afraid of dying alone? So you have five minutes before you die. Well this isn’t the worst. Those 40 miserable years were the work– he died. I’m not scared of dying alone, I’m terrified of people seeing how I live. I live like a divorced dad who isn’t trying to get custody of his kids back. There is just hot sauce in the fridge, half of my bed is covered in laundry and it’s now in the shape of a person and whenever I wake I roll over and think today I’ll try to be better. 

Text me

I don’t want to be in a relationship. I don’t even like dating. I don’t. Sometimes I try to do it, sometimes I try to be a nice normal lady, I go  out on a  date. I went on a date with a personal trainer from my gym. I thought that would be fun. Big strong guy who can pick you up and then set you down in a controlled manner. The date was not fun, all he talked about was exercise, and then in the restaurant we were in that song, the empire state of mind came on. You guys know that song, New York concrete jungle where dreams are made  of, he sand the whole song. Both Jay Z and Alicia key parts. This joke is three minutes long, that song is four and half minutes long. Which means after this joke is over he’d still be singing for a minute and half, you know if someone is singing at you for more than four minute you are legally allowed to kill them. So finally the bill comes, it’s 84 dollars, he throws down forty and goes is that enough. And listen, I’m an indecent woman. I’ll pay for half my meal, but that’s not half, so I never want to see this guy again, but he keeps texting me. And one day he just sends me a picture of his bed, and I don’t know how to respond. I was like congratulating you on making your bed, so one of my friends goes, just text him you’re not interested. And then my other friend goes, text hint eh weirdest stuff possible i was like that’s the one I’m going to do. And I’m going to read them to you now. I took screenshots of them, I just have to scroll through a ton of selfies to get there. I know that some people don’t like selfies and you shouldn’t post them. I think you should take them and should post them but you should also post the number of times you tried taking the picture. This is me looking cute, 67. Can you just confirm these are real text messages. Alright, you heard it from that guy with a puka shell necklace. I guess we’ll have to trust him. No one has said that about a guy with a puka shell necklace before. They’ve been like i got ot cover this drink! He goes hey Michael, I go hey wildcat! That’s a pretty strong start. We’d been on one date, wildcat is an aggressive nickname out of the gate. Wildcat lol that’s new kind of like lol, what made you chose that nickname? And I go, just something tick tocking in my old noggin. That should be it right. If someone texted you that, you’d’ be like oh she’s insane, you’d never text them again. Instead he comes back with love it. Keep it up. How is your day. And honestly I get a little excited at this point, because he’s still holding one, and I know I need to shift it in a higher gear to lose him. I feel like I’m in  a car chase and I’m like alright buddy. Pretty good car sound. He goes how is your day, and I respond by still chipping away at the ham. That’s not a saying. For that to be a saying it means that at some point in time there were people who chipped ham, and it took so long that they’d have to send word to their families, sorry honey i can’t come home for dinner tonight, I’m still chipping away at the ham. You know at my job, at the ham chip factory, which does sound delicious. And this is how i knew he was a formidable opponent, he came back with shit make sure you leave a slice for me too, by the way I have the honey to go alongside with the ham, gross what’s the honey, didn’t want the honey. Take the honey away, if the honey is what i think it is, no woman has ever wanted the honey. Sometimes we take the honey to be nice, but honestly it’s innocent. Most of the time it’s like hey, watch out, I’m getting sticky. So I don’t respond. I need time, i need to regroup, i need to train, normally when I’m this stressed out I go to the gym but I can’t do that. Couple days later, he texts me, Hey Wolfgang lol. And i 100 percent believe he loled at that. He’s like she gave me a nickname, I’m going to give her a nickname. Wolfgang, haha. I am the best. Hi Wolfgang lol I was wondering if you’d accompany tomorrow night, I’m taking some of my clients out for their birthday. And I responded with no dice. The squirrelman got plans on plans on plans on waffles. That is some of the best work I’ve ever done. I’m sure squirrel man is a huge downgrade from wildcat, if someone started calling me wildcat and then switched to squirrelman I’d be like oh my god what did I do? And i don’t know what plans on plans on waffles means but it’s too much before breakfast and this bitch comes back with, oh cool make sure you don’t forget the syrup and I don’t know what to do at this point, because I’m pretty sure he’s falling in love with me. And I think maybe I’m falling in love with him, so I text him I love you. And then I never heard from him again. Thanks a lot guys you’ve been great, I’ve been Michelle Wolf!

Emmy Blotnick – Party Nights

Emmy Blotnick – Party Nights

Self Potato

Ladies and gentlemen, Emmy Blotnick. We’re doing it. We’re doing it. Yes. Do you guys want to hear about my favorite wheel of fortune clips of the puzzle is mostly solved, most of the letters are there you can tell the answer is self portrait, and this lady buzzes in and goes “Oh self potato’ right away. The guy next to her is like lady itself protect and she’s like oh no, and it’s so good, because self potato means nothing, means nothing at all, but I love it so much I want it to mean something., You all know what a couch potato is a self potato is when you don’t need it the couch for that to be who you are. Just taking the couch potato mentality to go, cause you don’t need a couch if you got you. I don’t know if that lady knew when she got that puzzle wrong that she was going to give a snake for my lifestyle. I am a self potato through and through. It’s basically high function depression yeah I think we’re on the same page. Earlier tonight I spent about two hours in a wet towel. That is a classic self potatoes movie, you guys ever do, ever stay in a wet towel until it’s bad, it starts good, oh this is great and then you’re not happy anymore. Like to take that train to the last stop. I used to be more of a party person. I used to go out and get drunk, stay out late and have party nights, you know it’s not true no one calls them party nights. Blowing my cover. 

Amazon

These days I just stay in and I just read amazon reviews of things I already won. I think I’m just looking for a sense of community. I wonder who else out there mad about my blender, oh this guy rick f in Iowa is right, the puree setting is more of a fine chop, that was helpful. These days, I’ve been on a weird kink, buying a lot of vitamins and supplements, because I don’t like to admit it when I’m depressed. Well the problem is that I’m not taking fish oil. See.  I know how to fix this. I just need to buy five to seven bottles of unregulated supplements that are probably full of cat litter. That will fix it. I don’t know what I’m supposed to take so I take recommendations from anybody, I go on amazon, I read the reviews and just go with the wind. I was looking at a page for magnesium powder and this guy was like this stuff made my dgos’  hips feel better. I was like yeah yeah add to cart. There was one that was an energy supplement and a guy gave it five starts and was like this stuff lets me fuck my wife. Yeah sold let me fuck this guy’s wife. You take any vitamins, (no), just getting it from food big boy. Must be nice. I like asking people what they take, and this one guy was like, yeah I take zinc and I was like is that helping you? He said sometimes. Well what do you mean sometimes, well someday i feel like getting out of bed, and some days i don’t. Well you’re putting a lot on zinc. 

Self Help Books

My amazon account is in bad shape, it’s a lot of self help book, and that makes your recommenders real tragic so every time I go to amazon it’s’ like “so because you enjoyed the book fatherless women” amazon don’t even finish that sentence, by the way I wouldn’t’ say that I enjoyed that book. I try to throw them off my scent, sometimes I click on cool stuff to make them think I have a cool life. I put in an hour of click on snowboards and big boxes of big condoms, I just want them to think I’m hitting the slopes with my magnum, that’s right amazon I’m hitting the slopes with my big old dick. The next time I go to amazon I just want it to say, “because you enjoyed a thousand extra large condoms we thought you might like to hang out sometime” come down to amazon and have a brew with the boys. 

Tea

I think I’ve missed a lot of red flags for depression, I’ve missed a lot o f signs. I should have known something was wrong when I joined an online tea reviewing community called Steeperster. That’s a cry for help. Steeperster. If anyone wants to connect, my user name is steep doggy doggy, I’m already in the street, but a steep in the sheets. Is anyone on steepster here? They never are. Oh man. I guess you know I thought that tea could be my hobby tea could be my craft beer. You go to a place where people are drinking beer, it’s like this but fun and jovial everyone is having a good time. You go to a place where people are drinking tea, everyone is clutching a locket, stuffing a mouth. It’s not fun. Like, you’re never going to see a super bowl commercial for tea, where they’re like yo bro toss me a Timex. Right stuff, hey Danica Patrick what are you doing here? You boys like English breakfast, English breakfast at lunchtime, i am rock hard. It’s a lonely person’s drink and I accept that. I used to know a lot of bros, I used to know broy guys, and there is one important thing i learned from broy guys– consent. NAAAH. No, I’ll tell you what I learned . I learned a drinking tip called the strike out, it’s a drinking tip where you do a hit of a bong, chug a beer and then blow out the bong hit. That’s a steak out. I called it a drinking tip it’s more of a self harm ritual I try not to do too many, I did my own version that I recommend, if you ever get a hot party night to yourself here is what you do, take a hit of a joint then chug a room temperature herbal tea then you get in bed really quickly and then you blow out the joint you get bonus points if you crack open the book your therapist recommend that’s bonus points. 

The Zero Key

I’ll tell you another sign of depression that I missed. I should have known something was wrong. The zero key fell off my laptops and I didn’t do anything about it for two years. That’s too long, that’s too long to wait. I went down to the apple store and they were like, aww you have to get a whole new keyboard, and I went, well I’m not worth and it ad I left do you ever do this thing where something of yours breaks and you’re like okay I can pay to fix this or I can make my life a litter shitter everyday, and I had a whole system a whole workaround, every time indeed a zero i would go to google and type in the name of my favorite rapper, I would type in Andrew 3, and wait for it to auto complete thousand. And then I would copy and paste one of his zeros in whatever I was working on, and I did that everyday for two years. No one in their room has googled Andre 3000 more than me. No one has. I’ve googled him more than he has. It felt weird, I realized that if Andre ever went missing, I’d be suspect number one. There was no way that the NSA would be like this woman googled Andrew 300 everyday for 8 times, and clicked on nothing case closed. She’s too weird. So, I finally went back to the apple store and got a new keyboard. I have a zero. I can type it whoever I want, but there is still a voice in my head, that’s like you didn’t earn it. I don’t know. I feel very grateful to Andrew 300. That’s how I feel now. He’s lent me so many zeros. If I ever meant him in person, I’d just be like you may be called Andre 3000 but your Andrew is three billion to me. I just want him to know he’s special. 

List your animals

I don’t know where people get self-esteem from. That’s what I realize. I don’t know how anyone has it, you ever see someone with very high self esteem, how. How? I was watching this clip of Salem Hayek from 2012. I like to keep up with the news. And she’s got this otherworldly level of self confidence, she was there to promote a movie and she turns to jimmy at one point and is like Jimmy I have my own private zoo. And these are my animals. And he just starts listing off animals in her private zoo, and it was hypoinising. It was hypnotizing. She’s just sitting there like, I have one dog, two cats, a hamster, a lizard, a hippo, a giraffe, a nadawel, a shark, an iguana, a bullfrog. A kangaroo, a wallaby, a barrabuce, two panda bears, she could have turned right to the camera and been like i want you to kill the president, a lion, a bear, we would have done it. Imagine the confidence, that that takes the codifrance it takes ato just go on national tv and list your animal. It’s mindful. I don’t think we’re all born with ath. You’ve been real fun this whole time,and just pretend you’re on national tv, will you tell us about your animals in your zoo? “Kangaroo” you came out the gate straight Selma. I wouldn’t be able to do that. I know what would happen if someone came up to m e and trusted a microphone in my face and said start listing animasi got a lion a tiger you get it zoo stuff. Game over. Game over, she’s just gone to the other level, and so do you bud. 

Demi and Beyonce

I listen to a lot of pop music to keep my mood afloat. I think it helps, i think it helps. I was listening to the Demi Lovato song, confidante you can guess what it’s’ about, what always happens while I listen to it, I  feel it it work, and then I just take my headphones out and it’s gone. It happened i walked in a coffee shop and I listened to it, confidant., she’s singing, what’s wrong with benign confidence and i take out my headphones and go, uhh I don’t know what I want, I don’t’ know if I’m hungry or thirsty can you help keep me alive, it’s just gone, it’s gone. I feel like I’ve tried, tried so many things. I tried taking a dance class, I tried taking this dance class where they try to teach you to dance like Beyoncé and that’s not something you learn. It’s either in you or not, and it’s in me. And I have got it. I can dance like that, it’s just behind energy glass. I just haven’t had to yet. Oh but there will come a time, someone is going to wrong me in the middle of a dark parking lot and a thousand women in assless riot gear, will assem behind me and we’re just goin to nail it. I’m just waiting. Just taint, I took this class in the meantime. And it was at this treaty fitness studio, where they just teach you the fancy dances, and it’s like if groupon were a place. My friend and i singe dup to learn the dance moves ot formation. That’s the won that Beyoncé did at the super bowl where all the dancer dressed up like the black panthers and we go to this class and it was just wall to wall white women. It was like 50 white women, and that is not the formation Beyoncé was talking about. I don’t thinks he was like, I hope that this song empowers 5-0 social media manager to come together and create content. We had  white teacher it was a real blind meeting the bliend situation. Everyone was wearing t-shirts that said like friends before guys. I agree with the sentiment. I just don’t think of the first thing anyone needs to know about me. Hey what’s your name, I like fries more than I like my dad. Alright. This teacher, this teacher took every cool lyric and just made it so lame, she stood in front of all us, one and two and three and four, I got hot sauce in my bed. I was like, is it a hate crime? What is happening. It’s not a hate crime. It’s  alvoe cirm. But it’s’ still a crime. It was so bad. We spent a whole hour and I had a moment of optimism. I had this thought that maybe it was just bad because we’ve been slow, and she’s like okay girls  from the top, one two three for, it looked like someone opened the gate at a doggy day care. It felt like being trapped in my own fart. I don’t know how to explain to you what it felt like to have a dream die around you. If you ever want to watch 50 white ladies, to your favorite song, head on over to Broadway bodies. A place I hope burns. I didn’t think I’d be there to wish for fire in a dance studio, what’s happened? 

Max Martin

I keep doing this thing where I’m like, okay I’m going to go to sleep early, go to bed at a reasonable time and all of sudden the sun is coming out and I’m like why am I booking at Kelly Clarkson discography. I Was reading Kelly Clarkson discography. I know everything about her now. I know about the producer since you’ve been gone, all about his life. I spent all night reading about Max Martin. I know everything, do you know him? Okay let me tell you. Max Martin is a 40 year old Swedish music producer and he writes and produces all the pop music. I didn’t know it was all coming from one guy, he diall the 90s shit you like, Britney Spears, the backstreet boys, all the dry humping classics. He did new stuff, Katy Perry and Maroon five. This guy is the reason why I’ve ever tried on a halter top. And on cei learned that all the music is coming from one guy it made so much sense,oh this is all why all the pop songs sound the same. Oh I’m a little alme with big old tites. Ah it’s coming from this sewish guy and English is his second language. Oso i became obsessed with him. I read all of his interviews cause think about this guy  life, he walks use and he’s like what do girls like lopollip pop beinkins, time for lunch, it’s so, i just kept reading about them, I found this interview with him with one of sw3dish cong writing colleagues. How do you guys come up with all these songs for women, and they said every month we read Cosmo. Cosmo of all things, if you’ve ever read an issue of Cosmo it’s the worst repression of women in the world. Every tip in Cosmo is like chu a bottle of mouthwash eat your boyfriend butt, this isn’t my life. I didn’t know what i was doing. Every time I walk up to a newsstand like, Cosmo no thanks, I’m just goin to plug in my headphones and blast it directly into my brain. I didn’t know I was walking around listening to Cosmo. And I freaked out in the middle of the night, y’all ever freak out so hard you made a flowchart. Let me walk you through tit, i grew up listening to pop music it’s what taught me how to be a sexy woman. Not knowing that Max Martin and all the sexy guys making the pop music were listening got Cosmo so they could bbw sexy women. So that mean for most of my life I’ve been doing a bad impression of a Swedish man doing a bad impression of an American garbage woman it’s like no wonder I feel out of whack, I’m walking around pretending to be the Swedish chef pretending to be a spring breaker, my life is life, and then I was like time for work, and then i showed up all frazzled. And I was like don’t’ you get it there is man controlling the radio, he’s making me wear short shorts, and telling me to wear short shorts I don’t want to dance, he’s making me blow dudes. I don’t’ want to learn anything else about the music industry. I don’t want to learn about Bjork’ music category being written by one gnome in the woods. 

I deserve Salmon 

I um, reading all these self help books, and all of them say that you’re supposed to love yourself, does anyone here love themselves, (someone boos_) it’s funny sometimes one person is like “whooo” and you can feel the rest of the crowd be like what a piece of shit.\ It’s hard to love yourself and I find that it’s much easier to love other people than to love yourself. It’s a big deal when i do that because by bed is home of  some of the best Indian food in the city. I bought some smoked salmon for her. I’m a good friend. I bought smoked salmon, but then my friend canceled, and I was left with a clean apartment with all this smoked salmon. I realized that I don’t buy smoked salmon for myself, but I do deserve smoked salmon. I have ten dollars. I deserve salmon I’m going to make you say it with me. I deserve salmon, no I’m not getting up from this stage, until everyone one of your motherfucker, say it. I deserve salmon, I deserve salmon like Daryl hyomin famine, I deserve salmon or whatever plant based suits my needs. Now just the vegans. Yes! Yes you do. You’re damn right you do. 

A guy who’s nice

I just started dating a guy who’s nice to me. Have you guys ever tried that? Have you ever tried dating a nice person. Every time I see this guy I’m like, are you sure you don’t want to have a drinking problem? Are you sure? You don’t want to black out a brucna and tell me to calm down, c’mon man, say something about my mom that only I should say about my mom. This guy has been good, and he’s very tidy, and not a lot of guys are tidy, every other guy I’ve been with you go into their bathroom and the floor would be covered in loose hair. It looked like a greek diner owner evaporated. It did, it looked like a guy would run in with a pan and just be like what happened to tino, I don’t know what I was settling for. I dated a guy for 3 years whose towel smelled faithy of mildew, and he was like what are you talking about, you’re acting like my mom. Okay I guess I’ll just stay with you for 3 years. We all make mistakes right? 

The Bush

That relationship turned into a long distant thing. Which was not fun, just anyone doing long distance here. Just one guy, oh man, everyone else here is just fucking someone local, and you in the back just align it out, how long you’ve been doing it. Six months, alright, do it another six months, and then get out. Okay, thank you for putting salt in my wound, cool cool cool. I made it two years, and then something in me snapped, something changed. I’m not going to skype my tits forever. I need to be by someone nearby who can appreciate this modest rack without it buffering. I didn’t know what to do with my pubes the whole time. It felt like I was living this double life publicial. See him one weekend. So for like three and half weeks I’d like I’m a wolf and then that one weekend, I’d have to be like I’m a little girl. Iwan’t being true to myself, now i know what to do with them. Grow it out. Bring the bush back. The bush is already happening here. Ground zero for the bush movement. Tis just been so long. Sinc ehte bush was in style and in the meantime dudes all grew beards and those are on your face. Can’t we have a secret pants beard, isn’t’ aht fair. I’ll never understand who is squishy about women with pubs. If you love pussy enough you won’t dig through anything. I mean you’ve been served a burger with salad on the size you push it away, it’s so simple. I encourage everyone to grow it out. Just to see what your vca[pable of. I’ve been growing it out for a while , And right now it looks like I’m sitting on Kramer’s shoulders. Just slide into your apartment, it’s very good it’s a delight. 

Comic Book Movies

The last guy i was with, he was into comic books and we are far too accepting of adult men who like comic books. I remember when that was an embarrassing thing to like and now all the movies are there movies and they’re all the same movie. Everyone with superhero movies, it’s’ always like green canteen vs crab rangoon, what is this? I wish I could just beam it into every boyfriend’s head when you make your girlfriend go to comic book movies you’re giving her 2 hours to think about who else she could be dating. I wish there were things I had said to him. I wish I had been like hey buddy, that time you told me to stop sleeping during Captain War, american man. I started thinking about launching my own hummus company and dating women. I tried. Itreid watching those movies, tired watching those batman movies and I just wanted to poke him and say hey if your parents get murdered you do have to go to therapy. Can’t just go swooping up female journalists when you feel like it , they’re working on stories, leave them on the ground. I know I don’t speak for everyone about this. I know there are women who like superhero movies. I just haven’t met one. Are there any where? You know what, they’re all busy drowning dick, just a million boyfriends lined up around the block. I’m never going to meet them. I’m happy for them. I thank them for their service. I had to draw a land in the sand for myself. No more three horus movies about  happy meal toys fighting on a rock. I hope that’s fair, none of them are here, let’s keep going with this. I think we need reparations for women who had to sit through comic book movies against their will. Just stuff for us. I want a movie that’s just 2 and half hours of Rachel McAdams trying on blondes. That’s it, just back to back blouses, just cause there are all a lot of blouses out there, and she looks good in all of them. And she’s pulling back the curtain and going what do you think, that’s what it’s called what do you think. Okay what about a movie that’s just three hours of Kathy Bates chopping wood. Doesn’t that sound great. They tried with wonder women, ehre ‘s a strong woman for you. Yeah but she’s a beauty queen in a metal tube dress. I want Kathy Bates to prepare for winter. That’s the movie. I just want to see her out back behind the cabin. I just want her out there all chopping, no talking and the movie is called uhuuh. You’d see that shit you’d love it. 0

Moving In

The guy i’m with now is terrific, he’s a great guy, he’s a chef, that’ the best kind of guy you can be with. I’m learning so much. Before I was with a cher,  ithoguthi knew how to cook, but in retrospect I was mostly just cutting up jalapenos and touching my eyes. It’s been a real learning experience. SOmetimes i try to cook fontaine and I’ll be like what do you think, and he’ll be like there’s plastic in this. Oh sorry, I didn’t go to food school. I moved in with him right away, I just showed up with my stuff. Did you know you don’t have to talk about it? We share a studio apartment, are there any couples ehre sharing a studio aww good we got a bunch of millionaires, maybe one of you can tell me weather’s it’s like to have a doro to slam. Nobody warned me, nobody told me. You need somewhere to go when you get in a fight cause you know we have a room divider we got off amazon, and it’s one of those romdivides. Like japan. And that’s not a dignified way to leave a fight. Try to we got into iw aslike fuck you i am setting up athe room divid,e shere comes the shoji screen, feel all four panels. Don’t step around. That’s right I am not afraid to make this whole apartment feel like a cheap massage parlour. It’s so stupid cause he’s very tall he can jsut see wrigh tover it. He’s like you want to talk this out babe, do not mir. Wilson me! Going very good, aww mr. wilson, you never got to see that guy’s dick. 

Blue Man

I met him on bumble which i didn’t think would happen bumble is the app where women have to send the first message. And bumble is a trap. The first guy I matched with is a member of the blue man group. Right away., b;uie man, and i was trying to be open minded about it, alright let’s send the blue man  a message sent a message hey blue man, where does the blue paint stop, and he didn’t write back so I thought maybe it wasn’t clearw, DO THEY PAINT THE DICK? I never heard from him, he’s probably busy doing blue man stuff, drumming on a trash can or whatever, what do blue men do? I feel like blue men do anything and we’d be like that’s the show. I feel like bumble is tricky and it’s hard to start a conversation. Hey dude is like, women just say hey, what do you do with hey, and they’re like you ended up picking up lines, and it’s like where do we get pick up lines form? There are not female pick up artist teaching us walk up to a guy, and be like “aren’t you a little ugly to be here,” your all just getting geth,and i know that’s boring so if i’m going to give any advice, if your going to use bumble just smoke a bunch of weed and say what’s on your mind. Just like, “do you think danny devito is happy right now?” just be like man what are spiders even doing. If he’s cool you’ll hear from him, the guy i’m with now his profile was like “i’m a chef’ and i wrote “whoa a chef’ and now we live together. It’s very good, he’s a good person and he’s a giant person. It’s very fun to be with a giant, when we walk around together it’s like one of those videos like unlikely animal friends, you know those videos like look at this grizzly bear being nice to a racoon. That’s our dynamicists’ a very fun hagn. 

The Rock, Part 1

I always wanted to date a giant, I just I didn’t think it was going oth appen. I used to look at pictures of the rock and think oh god i hope his type is jewish women who get tired easily. Oh let it be. And now that i’ve had the experience, i think everyone should, in a perfect world everyone would get to spend one night with the rock. You look like you don’t want to do it. This guy will fuck the rock. If anyone is hesitating. You don’t have to let him fuck oyu can just let him hodl you. I’m takign the sex option I”m with you dude, i just want otm ake sure everyone is comfortable. But i do think the rock could fucka lal of us, I know he could. I read this, an interview where he as going through his diet, and the rock eats 46 oz on stemmed cod a day, it’s like he’s training test all our pussies. It’s’ too much cod to be a consincice, why else would you do that. I’m sure there are some boys like are like I’m sure he needs the protein. The rock has a secret bucket list item to muff dive the whole planet, he’s just going to sit up straight tone day and bel iek seems like a lot of laidse could sue a boost. Download an app and i’ll squeeze you in between jumanji. That’s how it’s gonna work. Although, this is a bummer i found out that he rock already has an app, it’s called the rock clock and it wakes you up at the same time as the rock, it’s such a tease like “you want to wake up with the rock” yeah I do, and then it goes off at 3 in the morning and it’s like time for morning cod. That’s Not what i wanted at all. 

The Rock, Part 2

I get confused about the rock all the time. I get confused because I love him. Sometimes i think iw ant to fuck the rock other times i realise tha ti want to be the rock, doesn’t that seme like, what a vessel, what a vessel to travel the world in to b einthe body of  giant man. It just seems so roommy. Giant men are like the suv of people. Even if you don’t like them, i better get out the way, and just do whatever they want, it seems like, like in the videogame of life, and you have to choose whos you’re going to play as, you know where all the characters are doing this. You would never hover over ostpolitik jewish women. And be like that’s my fighter, no you choose the rock every time, did you guys see fast 7 it’s the seventh fast and furious movie, i don’t know if that’s clear form theittle. I don’t want to give too much of the movie away. Cars go vroom, family movies. This scene, it’s my favorite part of the movie, it’s so good, the rock gets hurt he goes to the hospital and he catches wind sometimes, that his family needs him, and get the strength somewhere to get up from bed his bandages pop off him, he puts on his bullet proof vest, did you come, it was a big movement for me, it was a big seat wetter, i just realized that i was jealous, i mean if i was ever in that situation, if my family needed, i would shit my hospital bed, i would make that face, and shit, and that’s how i know it’s better to be a giant guy. 

Big Yelling Guy

I was getting on the train this was monday morning rush house and hte train pulled up and it was just packed with people,and this guy was on the train and when the train stops he gets off and when he tries to step back in a little guy had taken his space, and the big guy just freaks out, and it was in the way you only can if your a big guy he was like “listen dipshit i was here before and I will be here now, stuff in” eight in the morning. And then they spend the next stop almost kissing. They were so close together, they were one hot breath away from a deep kiss and I don’t know how their story ends, but I hope it’s over a candlelit dinner with the little guy just like you had me at stuff in. Cause i just keep thinking about this guy that’s how he starts his days, just rolls out of bed, what’s for breakfast, eggos nice, that’s the starygin ovum for his day of yelling what a dream what a dream, like if you could, wouldn’t you start every conversation, listen dipshit get everything done  faster. I’ve never yelled in public before, because everyday it sounds like it’s my bartmeistbva. And i didn’t think anyone would take me seriously but i’ve been trying to yell and it’s going okay. I was on the bus and I stood up too fast, and all my bones cracked too loudly, and the guy next to me, was like, drank some milk lady and I was like, I would if it agreed with me. It was a start, it was a start, I got a second chance at yelling, and to think it went better for me. I was at a bagel place and it was sunday morning and the guy in front of me ordered a blueberry bagels with strawberry cream cheese, and i was like, thank you, I’m glad i can  feel in this room that that bagel order is a disgrace, i heard him order it, and i was like, if i’m ever going to use my voice the time is now. JUST GET A MUFFIN. That  one felt good, that felt very good. I think that guy wanted a muffin and i set him free. 

The Muffin Incident

I had a bit of a muffin related to incineration and you’re not getting a better translation than that. Last summer I got called in for jury duty and I know it’s not supposed to be fun but it’s worse than I thought it would be. You have to get here at 8 in the morning and none of your friends are there, and you don’t know when you get ot eat and you don’t know when you get out leave, and they give you the paper and ask about your hobbies, oh here we go again snowboard, big condoms, I’m just jerking my cock on a mountain how about you? I was a mess that morning i got here at 758 and i went and got a coffee and big muffin form a kar,t and they grabbed about 12 of us and they were like, this is medical malpractice case and we want to make sure everyone can be fair and unbiased. And then everyone comes up with their little story, and they went to the first lady in the jury box and they were like mama can you be fair and unbiased in a medical malpractice case, and she went straight for the districts, MY HUSBAND WAS KILLED BY VEGETARIANS, oh we are so sorry,and let her go, oh come on that’s what i was going to do. They went to the next guy in the box and he was an old man, sir can you be fair and unbiased in a medical malpractice suit, and was like no  i myself and a doctor, oh bullshit i saw your quiznos badge in the hallway. Doctor me up roast beef you lying sack of shit. And then, my turn and I was like, I was ready, I was thinking of my story, ma’am can you be fair and unbiased in a medical malpractice suit, and I was like no, and they were like you are dismissed. You don’t want to hear it? I thought we were all doing stories, okay not asking questions, and walked out, and it’s an electric feeling, getting my day back. And I was going to take a picture to send to my boyfriend, and I saw in my reflection, I had chocolat all over my face, and that’s why there were no follow up questions because they don’t want you on the  jury if you look visibly insane. How is she going to handle a medical malpractice suit if she can’t handle a muffin? 

A Letter to Dyson

I do have some strengths, I have my strengths, I can write a bitch of an email to customer service. That’s’ where i shien, you ever do that you ever channel all of your energy into something no one is going to read. I did that, I wrote a real hummer dummer of an email to the dyson company, you guys know dyson?> they make vacuum cleaners. I wrote them an email because I found out that they don’t’ make vibration’ and I think that’s bullshit, they have all the parts, they have all the parts you’d need to make the greatest vibration in the world. It’s fucked up. LIke if you ever go to a restaurant den you’re like hey i know it’s not on the menu but you have all the parts, can i get a grilled cheese? And they’re like NO. and you’re liek butg you have the brand, the cheese and the girl can you just put them together so I can shove it in my vagina and go to bed. They make hand dries and it’s the exact opposite of what I want. You see the commierals for Dyson sometimes and it’s this uptight brightest guy and he goes most suction. And it’s like yeah, exactly. Guh, so this email got out of hand. I wrote to James Dyson. If you’re reading this, you better get your act together and make the great vibration in the world you smooth richard branson dick, and i hit send. And selma guess what, they fucking wrote me back, they wrote back they said they were going to forward it to teh correct department, which i believe is the police. You guys have been so much fun. Thank you for being here. I love you, thank you and goodnight.

Top Ten Comedy Specials/Albums of 2019

Top Ten Comedy Specials/Albums of 2019

  1. Michelle Wolf – Joke Show

Michelle Wolf shows off her ability to send non stop punchlines in this new special. SHe has weaponized her high pitched voice to heighten her joke delivery so that she can perform with pinpoint precision. This special shows that Wolf can not only bounce back from her failed Netflix show “The Break ” but do with such vigor to land on top.This special is stand up at its most refined.  

  1. Jeff Garlin – Our man in Chicago

Jeff Garlin is old school, but shows off his comfort and experience on stage with ease. While many comics don’t believe it, Garlin states that he never goes on stage with a set list. After watching this special I can believe that. Traditionally the role of a stand up special is as an advertisement to go see a comic. This does just that. I watch this special and feel that any show of Garlin’s I would go to would be an interesting, fun night, unique to that room. 

  1. Daniel Van Kirk – Thanks Diana

Daniel Van Kirk releases his first album and his ground running. He went on a great tour, alongside Andrew Youngblood, and was able to generate enormous positive and collective energy in the room. 

  1. Lil Rel Howery – Live from Crenshaw

This special is beautiful. It looks distinct from any other special I’ve seen, with its use of natural lighting, and setting it  a school gym. Howery jokes about his uncle’s funeral at length, going in wild unexpected and always honest directions. This special takes risks in a way no other on this list does and they pay off. 

  1. Deon Cole – Cole Hearted
  1. Caitlin Gill – Major

I had not heard of Caitlin Gill before listening to this album, and that is a travestly, especially as a lesbian myself. This album has him presenting wacky, out there and overwhelmingly unique jokes. Gill is loud and takes up space. 

  1. Josh Gondelman – Dancing on a weeknight

This album was tons of fun, and everything Josh Gondelman puts out is great. Especially the track “I also do Micheal Jackson.” Josh Gondelman brings a sense of relatability, with his down to earth nature, and silly nature. He feels like everyone’s friend. 

  1. John Mulaney – The Sack Lunch bunch

Different from standing up, this is an after school special. John Mulaney brings his strong voice and highlights his ability to work clean and family friendly while also being engagingly silly and a little high brow. 

  1. Sean patton – Scuttlebutt

There are some great tracks on this album, and Patton brings his trademark energy and command of a room to this album. There are two stand out tracks, that are longer stories that give Patton space to play with darker emotions.  Definitely worth checking out. 

  1. Gary Gulman – The Great Depresh

Gary Gulman was an amazing source for comedy tips this year. He used his twitter to send out a stand up tip every day. For me, it was very helpful, but more than that it was inspiring. 

The Great Depresh is very funny, and packs a lot of jokes, but more than that it discusses something I know so many stand up struggles with, depression. Gulman is candid in a way we haven’t seen him before. He understands what stand up can do, and knows how to craft a joke that can get the most laughs, but this isn’t about that. It’s funny, but it’s also revealing, honest and powerful. It intercuts his stand up with documentary film footage, mostly of him in his apartment with his wife. This adds a great sense of intimacy, and works quite well on the filmed stand up special.