Chad Daniels – You’re the Best
Ladies and gentlemen Chad Daniels! Hello! How are you? Great. I was in the Detroit international airport, and Detroit should not have an international airport, Detroit should not be the first palace someone sees when they come to America. You get off your plane like tha was the trickiest hijacking of all time. I get off the plane this guy goes, you know where the food court is? I go no, he goes lot of fucking help you are. And then he walked away. I just got off the paper plane from another place on the earth, sorry I can’t help you find where the food court is. ALso, even if I live in Detroit, I probably don’t know where the food court is. Hey chad, where you going to lunch today, well as you know we work downtown and airports are stredtgtric located to be on the outskirts of cities, i do have some vacation time coming, i’m probably gonna hop out of here, two two and half hours early, drive down to the airport, pay for parking get the cheapest boarding pass, hop in line for the tram, hop in line for the security which i was already in once because i thought it was the security line. Then the panda expresses. It’s only a 60 percent markup. Get your stuff we’re going to the airport. Found the food court by myself, you wanna know how, I’m an adult. I checked one of the thousands of maps provided by the airport, and then found the food court sticker , and then found the you are here sticker, and lined my body up appropriately and started walking. I found signs and everything. Used to call five senses like a compass, like man vs wild airport edidditon. When I got to the food court I ordered a hamburger and it had a pickle on it, and this other gentleman said why didn’t you order it without the pickle. Who are you people? Why are you so concerned with my goings on at the airport, and then he went? I want ia hamber without the pickle. I just ordered it without the pickle. Well you’re the best. Didn’t you get your letter you won life. Then he pulled this old standard on me, well there are homeless people, yeah but at the airport. Are they off jet setting to their other not home, is that what happening. Let’s get something straight if someone says they’re hungry and you give that person a pickle, you are an asshole. What? Because pickles are salty, and now that person is thirsty. Do you have anything to wash down that pickle? Yeah I do, some soy sauce, red cap full sodium.
Normally I’m not that crabby, but at the airp[ort my armrest would not fold down. Also does not bother me, but it really bothered the lady next to me. Because my clothed leg was touching her clothed leg. She was huffing and puffing. I’m not the thinnest fellow but i fit in an airplane seat, and i tell you that to let you know that she was spilling onto me. So settle down a little bit because this is not my fault. I’m halfway in the aisle already, and then she starts adjusting to make room. There is no room. The only adjusting you’re gonna mek is cracking the side of the plane and then we all die. Settle down it’s an hour long flight. Finally everything calmed down and she ordered a pillow and i thought finally everything has calmed down and she’s going to sleep, but she didn’t. She took that pillow and she shoved it right in between our legs. Like a defense mechanism. Um, i can rape you thorugh a pillow. I wasn’ teven thinkin gabout raping you until you challnege me with you rgodman pillow. you ‘ve also given me something to muffle your rape whilse. You make the worst decisions of all time stranger danger. Good luck finding the food court when we land.
Lunch With Grandma
I took my grandmother out to eat for lunch, and she used the phrase “jewed him down” and I said what in the hell is wrong with you, but no one heard my grandma say jewed him down, they just heard me yell at an old lady. So now people are in my business again. Uh she is racist. That’s what is going on with her. ANd he goes maybev that’s how she was raised, okay but she has been raised, she is 90 she has risen, who however you conustgate that berg to make this joke funniest. And he goes “can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ but you can, we had an old dog and we taught hhimsepcically how not to say jewed him down. My speak, execpro for that one thing, you’re a german shepherd that would be weird. Venninest smiech why are you eating your pop, nein. NEin wiener schnitzel, that’s how you talk to a german shepherd.
I think the kardashian family motto should be getting black men off scene at the OJ trial. Did you hear what just happened in this crowd? Some people called. That means those words that were ordered, floated through the air, went into someone’s ear, hit their brain, and their brain was like quickly throwing your hands together, that’s how awesome that was. You gotta make some noise with your body parts. Stat! Those same words, went through the wire, inthe same order, and went in someone else’s brain and their brain told them to go, mewno. Your brain sucks shit. If worcxds hit your brain and your brain’s response is mew no. Then you have the worst brain of all time, right? That’s a horrible brian, could you imagine having a ghat brain all the time. The clap brain is so much better. Oh my god that guy’s falling. Clap right away. Right. Your brain says he’s falling, I’m going to put my hands together. I’m going to start putting on all my invitations, only calp brains, and if a meeno comes to my house i’m gonna kick them out. And if they complain I’m going to say the calap brain will make them clap. He’s crying clappy clap. I don’t want you to think that joke had anything to do with interacial relationships, I just think that joke is funny and I think it’s historically accurate. My first girlfriend in college as black, we were making out, and she whispered something crazy in my ear, and I said I’m probably not going to tell my grandma about this. And then she said, me either. And that’s when we found out we both have clap brains. We’ll still be friends, and I think that’s because we had great communication. I always knew when she was mad at me. WHen I said something she didn’t like sehd’ go mmhmm. Like she did know what I just said, but it also sounded like jaws was right behind me. Especially if she walked right behind me. Mmhmm mmhmm mmhmm like oh my god there is a shark behind me. But i didn’t know if she would jump and help because a lot of black people don’t like to swim in the ocean. The meow brains are out in the stone. Hey listen let me tell something, if your black and you don’t like that, stop telling your white friends stuff you don’t want them to repeat. Because that’s where i got aht information. If you wear white and you are nervous that i said that, don’t be i chose those words very carefully. I said lots of black people not ali said dont’ like to swim in the ocean not can’t. That would be racist. If you are saisn or hispanic mind your own business. Okay that was not about you, not everything’s about you, some things are black and white only. Hear a guy say the n word one time, anbd he was like, i don’t mean it like that, i mean it liek when you call your buddy fag or retard. Do you know what else you can’t do that, you can’t use one of our nation’s most offensive words, and then get out of it by comparing it two other offensive words. And he as like i don’t mean it like actual fag or actual reatard. I eman like when oyu say chink. And that’s a real story. The million adolalr stoyr how come i have to say n word and i say chink. Well that’s easy black people use guns, asian people use throwing stars. You know how bad it would suck to get shot, pretty bad, getting killed with throwing stars, awesome. That would be the greeted funeral of all time. How did chad die? A ninja. I’ll be down if a ninja dind’t get a hold of him. Just walking down the street. I’m in a movie, it’s a mazing.
Saw some of you cover your laughs during hast lask chuck that can stop immediately. You came to a comedy club on purpose. This is not an easy place to find. You don’t stumble upon this place. Alright, left at the caddicl dealership, and then good fucking luck. So the fact that you would cover you laugh after all that work makes no sense to mek at all, if you don’t want to laugh at something don’t your an adult. But if your already laughing, my mind loves it, my body loves oops! My hands a dick. Alright let it go. Even if you have a bad laugh, i promise you it will never beat the one i heard in tulsa okla mah ham. That is how a human being laughed. Mah ha. I’m sorry is my boat too close to shore. Because what in the hell is going on with your face. And he got mad at me and heckled me. And ehre how he did it, boo! That’s the wrong one stupi,d there are two boos and you picked the wrong one stupi.d You suck at laughing and heckling. I would like to go that guy’s house for halloween watch him jump out of the bushes, booo! Boo! Did i scare you? No but now we think our costumes suck, thanks! I don’t know what I would have been that would have walked away like that. Nutcracker? Naxi if my grandma dressed me. Probably the two worst outfits of all time. You dress your kid like the nutcracker and your asking for them to get molested. Trick or treat, they got in your mouth boy. I pick trick, i pick trick. Would it not scare you if a little boy nazi came to your house, even if it was halloween?ding dong, trick or tereat, smell these feet give me something good to eat! If youtube don’t i don’t care i will pull down your underwear. Get off my steps. I have a question do you have any candy! I said get off my steps, where is your candy is it in your attic. Nobody is aloud in the attic right now, right now we’ll holding a journaling seminar called let’s be frank. You started hot on that one cooled off al little bit, it’s to be expected.
I come from a broken home which is not that unusual these days. My parents used to always threaten each other with divorece, and you do that as a little kid, and you think that’s the worst thing one person can say to another person. Now that I’m married, not that bad. Did you hear that response? Everyone started to laugh, and then realized they were sitting next to their spouse and became the asshoels of the comedy world. Disappointed in some you, you don’t think if your spouse left you’d be alright? I love my wife but if she left there would be good days. I don’t know what it’s like in your house, the day that I get to go canoeing with someone else and don’t have to do all the paddling. Would be a good day. I live on a river, and my wife said let’s get a canone. Let’s paddle upstream,let’s float back down. Don’t think my wife knows what let’s mean. Because I got in the canoe and started paddling. And looked up, she had not brought paddling into the canoe. I said what’s going on, she said I’m taking pictures. Well you could sketch it because we are not moving. We could not go when water was coming at you. And I’m in the back and I don’t realize that you have to keep moving your paddle to each side when no one is in front, because you steer. We are now on the side of the riverbank,and she turns around and says what are you doing back there?” I say oh i will kill you. She says why are you whispering. Because sound travels over water, and that last phrase makes it premeditated. I’m not doing an extra 5 because you didn’t paddle. And she goes, maybe you should be in the front, no then i can’t see you no paddling. Who thinks it’s a good idea to paddle up a stream? Maybe when we’re done we throw raspberries at the moon. That’s just as logicail a thought. And my wife had an papenity. She said i know, let’s bring the kids next time. Abboutsley why wouldn’t we. kids fix everything. Right, you’re ever having a bad dad, get some kids in there. Let’s mix this up with sunshine and rainbows! To the fork. I’m well aware, I’m well aware. That children learn from exploration and I encourage my kids to do that, but no in canoe when we’re going upstream. You gotta sit down and be as aerodynamic as possible. We’re In the middle of the river, my son pops up what’s on this side, what’s on this side, what’s on this side, so the canoe is rocking. Back and forth, my daughter is like we’re all gonna die! Maybe. This keeps up perhaps. One day my kids are like, why’d’ you take away our life jacket because you’re not listening. Everyone on this vessel knows I will tip ancona to prove a point. My wife wanted me to wear a lifejacket to prove a point, but that’s abuse. I’m the only one paddling. I’m going to have a massive tit rash from all the repetitive rubbing. You want me to be a good example, I won’t wear a life jacket, and when I tip over I’ll swim to shore and still be alive, and my kids will be like, we should learn how to do that. Yeah, that was pretty good, he’s over there and we’re over here in our life jack. One day my kids were crawling all over me and my wife was like, ambye we need a bigger canoe. I was like, maybe I need my own apartment. Not to live in just to reflect after cone tries.
Besides not paddling and taking horrible pictures my wife is a good person. She drinks wine which is a double edged sword because it makes her horny but it turns her teeth a purplish reddish color. It’s liek i’m havin gsex with a dickin character or something, she runs into the room, hello governor, alright turn around gingivi dish, brush your teeth, have you been to a desert island with only fruit roll ups? What is wrong with your mouth right now?
My wife teaches environmental science every other semester. I live in a small town where everyone knows one another. And we’d gone to the grocery one night and we forgot our reusable eco bags, and the check out girl was one of her students, and she was pregnant so it may have been the hormones but she was like “hey everyone., the environmental science from town is here she forgot her environmental bags, can i grade you on my life, since you grade me on my paper,s I’m goin to give you and since your going to leave a huge eco footprint,” smells like you need to shut up, wheel what you going to do, let’s start with what we’re not going to do, i’m not goin to shoot you. That’s crazy. I’m not goin to run you over with my car, I’m not goin to burn down your house with you in it, I’m not going to do that, why because all of those things would emit co2. What I am going to do is chokoe the shit out of you with my bare hands, because that is clean living. Population controls the negative one. Save on energy cause I’m goin to lay down tonight and think about me choking the shit out of you. With my bare hands. The only footprint I’m leaving is on your belly. Population control negative 2. Uh huh, do you hear it? People are mad. Right. You hear that right, behind you, they’re angry at you for doing it. But those same people, not only 2 second ago, were cheering me on as I choked a mother, which would cut off the oxygen supply to the child, ultimately leading to its death, but a direct blow to the belly and I’m an asshole. I tell that joke to tell if you can individualize jokes, if you don’t like jokes put that joke in the i don’t like it and let’s move on. I don’t want to ruin the rest of the show for you, same for life, if you get cut off on the way to work, and you’re still mad when you’re cooking dinner, mayebn you’re an asshol.e it is nighttime now, and you got cut off in daytime. So if you didn’t liet that list, the lost joke is water under the bridge. That last joke is two bodies floating in water under a bridge., One is a little bit bigger but they look like they are in the face.
I was driving around and I saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer’ and then a few cars later I saw a bumper sticker tha aisd who farted. It was the greatest game of highway jeopardy I’ve ever played. I’ll take tears in my eyes for 4 miles alex. 0
I work at another comedy club, caled the st. Louis funny bone and one of my best friends works there and he has a cleft palate and they’re not going to make fun of it cause it’s not his fault. I am going to make fun of this situation. A woman who also had a cleft palate came out the ticket booth and she said “excuse me I reserved 6 six tickets for harrison” “let me see there, sicx tickets for harrison’ and she said “are you making fun of me,” and i said “this is awesome, how has this never happened before” and she was like “you are too making fun of me,” “i am not making fun of you” “you do not have a cleft palate” ‘I do have a cleft palate’ than i was like, lady please he does not have a cleft palate.
I almost got arrested one time for wishing aids on a cop. That is not recommended. I got pulled over for speeding and was okay with that because I was speeding and then I got another speeding ticket for not using my blicker and I wasn’t okay with that. All your lights are on, they know we’re goin to the shoulder. You need one more blocky light of your parade princess, c’mon cinderella, and he said it’s the law, and i said your law sucks. And he said, say one more thing, say one more thing, and so i said i hope you get aids. And not the good ones that magic johnson got either, i am talking about the real aids with capital letters, and he said get out of the car, and I said, for what, and he said I’m arresting you, and i said for what, you can’t arrest someone for wishing. How would you call that in, we have a one four five hope in progress, doesn’t make any sense.
I was telling that story one evening and someone from the back of the venue said, i have aids. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard a comedy show come to a screeching halt before. But that is how you make it happen. I said hey did you get your aids from being born, how about a blood transfusion, he said no. Well then it’s your fault. It’s a harsh reality but it’s a reality indeed. What do you mean it’s my fault, you had sex and you lost. Some people feel that way about their children. I don’t but we’ve seen them in public get your fuckin ass over here right now, that looks like a sympto. I started thinking that’s why kids and aids are only one letter away from each other. Maybe kids used to be considered an std. What happened to you, he stuck that in there, I got fat and it fell out of my vagina i have to feed it. Put it in the book, it sounds like something put it in the book. Does it burn, every goddamn day, everyday, yeah put it by the bad ones. When it burns bad, that’s how we remember.this guy gets mad at me, he was like aids is way worse than kids, i have to take medicine every morning. That’s what makes that the work. I had to go to bed, when my kids are up they’re up for the day. They’ve recently started sleeping in shifts like they’re firefighting. One of them is always up, alwaysing breaking something. In my home. And when one gets tired they just go wake the other one up, like recharging batteries. I’m tired you gotta go get him. I made what you need to do, number one go drink his chocolat milk, he got super pissed. If you can’t drink it all just spill it and walk away, but make sure he knows you know that you spilled. Look at the milk, look at him, smirk. Look back at the milk, stick your foot in the milk and drag your foot like you’re a hunchback looking for sanctuary. If he says hey don’t do that, say hey this, and then do the exact same thing. The closer you can get to his face the better. And number three shake the dog until she pisses on the couch, and then just flip the cuson over so on the next hot dog the whole house smells like piss. Now go! Ya! Bet aids doesn’t do that. I don’t think so. I love my kids, I think they’re the best. I said that over, I said I don’t feel that way, especially when they’re together. I love my kids fifty percent more. A whole summer, spent together, it amazes me that people steal kids on purpose. Right, you never heard about two kids getting abducted at once, cause they’ll just fight in the back seat all the time.
My children used to ask me questions. They no longer ask me questions because i figured out a system in my home, i’ve given them both a notebook and pen, and i’ve connected the notebook to the pen, and i’ve listed some press passes, and three times a day in my home i hold a press conference. And that is the only time you are allowed to ask me a question. We aloud the podium they come running with their notebooks, I wait till they get settled, then we start, thank you for coming, go ahead and start teh press conference. Olivia ladies first, first question>< Why does your puppy dog stick the frigatior. Well, the puppy dog is made of a amgenet, and the magnets stick to metal, the refrigerator is made of metal that’s why your puppy dog sticks to the refrigerator. Great question. Isaac’s next question, yeah sometimes the green jelly beans can be tricky. You stick it in your mouth. You think it’s lime and it’s spearmint, spearmint sucks. Watch your ass you jelly beans. Great question. Oliva next question. There is a magnet on the back of it. Isaac’s next question. Why does your sister cry all the time? I think a lot of people in the house want an answer to that. As you know we have wood floors in the house, and she runs around like there is not gonna be consequences. Not to mention that fact ath crazy never watches where she is going. Do you remember when she hit her face on the side mirror of my car? Oh my god how do you not see your face coming at you, you never thought there is my face but here’s my face. Question of the year. Question of the year. Oliva next wquetion, it is a fucking magnet.
My daughter is seven year olds, and having a seven year old daughter will make you do things as a father that you didn’t expect you’d do, like come up with the greatest birth control of all time. You know those hallmark cards you open up and song plays? That’s because there is ahcip in there, well i’m going to have one of those chips surgesty implanted into her thigh right above her knee. Anytime her knees are a more than a foot apart her thigh is going to go wahh, no dude is sticking around for that, is that a baby, im’ just going to run over here, see ya later my daughter is accidentally the funniest person i’ve ever met, sehs’ never tried to be funny. But one night we were jumping on the trampoline and she goes ow my shoulder, bing my boob i mean my nipple. Did we just go from a mistadminto r felony in eelemeven word. Can you shut up we have neighbors. My daughter recently referred to Queen latifa as queef latina. I don’t know if you’ve ever had an operation to have an angel-faced eleven year old look up at you with her puppy dog eyes and refer to an oscar winning as a mexican pussy fart. But it will bring a tear to your eye. When my daughter was much younger we were folding clothes and she came into the room and she found a bottle of ky jelly and she said hey daddy what’s that, and i said, it’s lubricant. And she said, what’s a lubricant. And i said, correct. That’s not a better way to describe that. My daughter came home from school said dad stacy and i were playing catch and she hit me right in the balls. She only has an older brother, she’s only herald this area referred to as the balls, a good dad would tell her that she’s wrong, i am not going to do that, i have chosen to use that to my advance. She’ll be on her first date making out with some dude, like huh touch my balls. Guess who’s done making out. Until at least college because everyon in high school things she ss balls.am i going to have to take her therapy oh for use, the abortion clinccno.
I went to my parenting carre, tucked my daughter into bed, walked down the hallway, tucked my son into bed, passed my daughter’s room, and heard my daughters say, daddy come here. I say what’s up tootsie pop, she says i was just scratching my privates but then they got all tingling. Well goodnight. What do you mean, daddy come here, mommy come here, check the part you have a question about and ask the apparoite parent. Then I found that it wouldn’t even matter, because I told my wife about it, and she said, well that’s weird. I didn’t mastbate until college. Nope that’s weird. What is going on in my house? I have a false start, and delay a game. Somebody snapped the ball on time please and my osn knew when to ask me questions abou that, he was taking a bath one time and he called me into the bathroom. I opened up the door and he stood up and said hey look at how strong I can make it. Come here and try to bend it. NO. Why not, because social services will take you from ehme. Well watch me bend it. NO. now sit back down in the tub and use it like a periscope like a normal little boy. Coming to the surface, check in for dance, checking for danger.
My son is twelve so we’re nearing the age. We’re nearing the age. My wife doesn’t get it. She didn’t grow up as a boy, i don’t think. So there is going to be times, my song was like, i need to do lingerie. My wife was like, oh I can do it, he was like oh no i’ll probably do it. And she goes no i’ll do it. And i was like would you let him do his laundry. I don’t want to break in the machine, you don’t want to be touching his shit. Cause there is day in a boy’s life. Where He goes goodnight mom, and you find him in the basement what are you doing, laundry motherfucker mind your business. Sheets and socks bitch goddamn. And then you let him do that, you do not argue. So when he started, i thogut hey sex talk ,and i streted iwithth the standards. A woman has ten hotels in her body , and can only get pregnant from one of them. Now some of you are laughing, most of you are counting. Right. If she’s chubby, belly button can be 11 if you so choose. Some of you didn’t like that, no way you thought about it, you gave it the correct amount of thought process. Maybe your wife is on her period. Maybe your wife doesn’t take it up the ass. Maybe her mouth is swollen for nothing it up the ass. How is the belly button looking now gentleman. Isf she chubby you wouldn’t even have to lube it up, she’s probably sweaty. I’m also going to tell my son where the scliutoroit is, because i don’t know where it was until i was 20. And i don’t think that’s fair. It’s going to be hard to explain that to my son, because he’s 12, what does it do, it’s like that button you push on the lawn mower i’ve times before it starts, only this time floodings is a good thing. It doesn’t start right away don’t kick it.
In this country as you know, we have a beige president. And i think, he’s beige, I’m not going to argue. Is his the first African American president, but he’s’ beige if you don’t believe me do the home depot test, go to home depot find the tab that says beige, and then you go home and at the next press conference just hold that thing up and there you go, beige, because as Americans we said we’ll give you black guy in the wthie house but we’ll do halfies first. I can’t wait until next year. Because whenever there is race involved people have their guy and they stick with him. I was down south last year, not the good south with the buidlgins but the learning. I was in the part of the south where they end their sentence “” ever been to that part, don’t get last. Hey where is the interstate (nonsense) are you a real person? You know what I’ll find, you roll them up and get out of there. Because white people without teeth are easily the scariest demographic. Because they will skin you eat and you and have sex with your dead body in a row. And down south where I was from they were like (nonsense) and I agree with all that, but just because you don’t have a hard life doesn’t mean that you should be president I mean where is president Annie. I mean she had a hard knock life. I mean you don’t think he had a hard life his last name rhymes with ‘you mama’ his first name rhymes with macka. You dont’ think growing up he ever heard, hey barrack Obama my cock in yo mama. People say there is nothing funny about Barack Obama, I say to those people, just wait. Next year he can use the campaign slogan once you go black you never go back. And he’ll win for sure, because he’ll get 100 percent of the chubby white girl vote. My name is Chad Daniels. Thank you very much.