My girlfriend’s boyfriend

My girlfriend’s boyfriend

Mike Birlbligia. 

I’m right

Thank you guys. Nice to see ya. 

So a little while ago, everyone I knew started to get married. And that was strange for me, because I don’t really believe in the idea of marriage, and that would be fine, but I have a problem where sometimes when I think that I am right about something, it could be a real source of tension between me and the person I’m arguing with, and the reason it’s a source of tension is because is that I’m right. And so. I distinctly remember talking to my friend Dana, and she goes of course you don’t believe in marriage for you, but of course you believe it for other people. I was like no I think it’s insane for anyone, and she goes why, it’s first of all, it just seems doomed, 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce and that’s just first marriages second 60 to 62 percent end in divorcée ,third marriages 75 percent end in divorce. That’s the learning curve. Second of all monogamy is impossible or at least not a sure thing. 

A sex maybe

I met Jenny in st.louis my friend Andy and I were working for her. We were performing for wrestling coaches, which is really my demographic. I uh, no I was very nervous, I was actually about to go on stage, and I was scrawling notes on a napkin. I get very nervous and I write notes on hotel stationary or a napkin, and jenny looked at me and goes what are you doing? And I said, I was writing myset list. She goes. I think it will be fine. And iI go it won’t be fine, and she goes it will be fine. And I go, why do you think that? And she says, well you look so nervous I think they’ll feel sorry for you. But jenny ahs this really soft sweet voice where she can get away with saying anything. At one point she said, seems like you comedians are a lot funnier on stage. Normally I’d be offended by that, but in their instinct, I was like you are right, you have a point, you are onto something. From the moment I met Jenny I knew I wanted to sleep with her at least once. Stay with me. I mean that in the most meaningful way, that was the most I was capable of in my life at atha toint. I just came up with a long meaningful college relationship with my sweetheart. We were going to get married. And then we weren’t. And then when we weren’t I just swore off the idea of marriage or even living with someone, and from the moment that I met Jenny I just wanted to be with her. And I didn’t think it was going to happen. I didn’t have that kind of confidence. I think of myself, as a sex maybe. LIke if i’m seeing a girl she’d be liek i’d have sex with him mabye… I’m not ashamed of that. There were periods in my life when I was a sex never, and then there were periods when iw as a sex never, and only by self, often. 

Strong, Independent Woman

I’ve been going recently to a women’s exercise class. I’ve given up on having a traditional male physique. So now I’m going for a strong independent woman. It’s going pretty well. You know i’m not as good in the class as you might think. Sometimes I skip whole sections to do more difficult exercises when the instruction isn’t looking. When she looks over I have to strike a pose as if I had been doing whatever everyone else has been doing. It reminds me of the Olympics. You know gymnastics. Those girls will be doing crazy flips and turns and every once and while one of the girls I’m not saying I root for this to happen they’ll fall,and rolla around like I’m in a lot of trouble. But at the end of it, no matter what, they do the stick the landing pose. And I totally fell for it. I’m like that can’t be the same loser from moments ago, that’s completely different. This person is much better posture. I really wanted Jenny to come with me and Angie in St Louis because we were going out to one of those famous Irish pubs where no one can hear you speak and I thought that might be to my advantage. I Didn’t have the nerve to ask her myself, so I asked Andy to ask for us. And, which, yeah I don’t know if that was the best idea, cause we’re heading to the pub. And jenny said, ioh I left my id at the hotel and I say oh we can just swing back and get it,and she said oh it will be fine,a dn I said oh it won’t be fine because it’s’ st patricks’ day and there are bouncers and she goes no it will be okay and I go oh no it won’t’ be. And we got to the club and the bouncers just wavered her through which has not been my experience with vouchers. For me boncoeur are like prison guards and for Jenny they’re like birthday clowns. What can od I do to make your day better. We’re at the pub and taking so much conviction to get Kenny to come out,a dn by the time she came out she thought she was on a date with him. That wasn’t he idea, I had to conceive him to fall away, and the red rockas and space shuttle and she realized she was on a date with me, and she wasn’t happy about hat, but she warmed to me as the night went on because she was drink gin and we swerve laughing and having a good time, but I caught a break which was we shred a ride back to our hotel with one of our friend and we were stuffed in the back sweat together,and she told me she had just come off a long difficult break up and for a movement there in the back seta it felt like we were holding up two halves a broken paper heart and we get back to the hotel and offer to walk her up to her room and we get it to her room and I didn’t want this night to end so I build up the courage to lean in and kiss her, and she say soh no thank you, well that was polite. But idpaintin. There is something about a rejecting kiss. Htat is the most personal type of rejection. You’re really putting yourself out there and we should connect mouths and the other person is like we should not connect mouths, their two very different mouth agendas, aand then you feel so stupid– I shoudl have never suggested we shoudl connect mouths. And 

The scrambler

This is a sore subject for me, I have sort of a long history of failed kisses. I remember growing up when people started making out. In my town in massachusetts it was in 7th grade. I remember I remember like it was yesterday because was shocked. I was like the people we know. Just making we know. How. you know. Seemed like an alien situation with these two aliens just attached orifices all of sudden. and collectively all the girls were like that is fine. You are not on the list, you’re not exactly a first round draft perfect for our new activity, and it still doe kind of. Sometimes you get in these homophobic argument with dudes, “i don’t like itw hen I see two dudes making out int he streets” I feel that way about anyone. Making out is just sloopy; it’s like watching a dog eat spaghetti. In 7th grade I was like I’m not going to make out with anybody. And that was fine. For a while, but increasing it divided the class into two distinct parts, the make out club and the none- make out club, and these were in formal organization, I mean I would be sad if that was school sanction. I call this meeting of the none make out club to order. First order of business nintendo. Second order of bruins why doesn’t anyone like us. Meeting gajoru. I don’t know it’s a sad group and we were losing good guys by the day. And I feared I would be the lone member of the none make out group I had to try to get into the make out club but it was an intangible goal. There was one girl who sat in front of me, liza meinte and I had a huge crush on her but she was way out of my league she had many suitor, the rest of the show is in old english, she doth had manys suitor, she had many adminors. There were three of us,a ndi was in third place in all the trade publications. But I had one advantage: she had to talk on the phone every night, because of alphabetical order, birlzit, biblia. One time I said something on the phone that made her laugh. What happened was great. I got to do that more. And one time we were on the phone and she was laughing so hard, I remember it so well. Because she said Mike you got no stop, I’m goin to pee myself,and I was like wow. This is the glee I’ve ever come to a vagina. So I spent the next 15 years trying to get Liz mine to pee and that’s how I ended up here. That’s how we all ended up here. In a sense. So. so here what’ happened with liza, one time I built up the courage or ask her to go to the carnival with me,and I thought yes, maybe this will be like romantic comedy montage, we’ll go to the cornelia we’ll get stuck at the top of the ferris wheel it will all take a minute and half, it will be set to phil collins song. But I think when you’re 12 years old you don’t understand certain things about your digestive system, you don’t know that you shouldn’t eat peanuts and soda, and cotton candy and then step onto a machine called the scrambler. Cotton candy being the most instan of fates items, basically saying we’re gonna to take sugar which everyone knows is bad and then we’ll dress it up, like insulation. I’m not sure what the selling point is there, is it the sugar out the insulation. Well we already sold. It. for the discinfommation campaign diseemennties. I don’t know if you have the scrambler here in seattle. I imagine you might, it travels on a truck it is a very mobile scanning unit. The premise is very simple. You just sit on a two person pod with the person you are in love with and that pod goes in a circle which is part of a larger circle which is part of an even grander circle. Which as I understand it is designed for a medical device for constant matted patines. It Was called the shits of pants orather. And it was wildly successful, and then it was co opted by the carnivals workers of america CWO. and they said, they said, we like it, but we do think the anime is a little bit of a turn off, and one guy said what about a i’m going to diearotion because it gets across the essence of how you feel when your on the machine. Plus it has the added work play with diarrhea, to the original intention of the machine. But we still the name might be a little bit of a turn off, what about the scalmer, bueca eit scmalers you. And they’re like we get it fried. Fred is a manaica, this guy can’t be stopped but every once and while he has a good idea. But who will be in charge of this dangerou piece of equipment, and this one guy, well I have a nephew whose 16 years old and smokes pot 24 hours a day, I feel like he might be available and they were like he sounds amazing, we don’t even need to interview him he sounds complete qualified. And sit down with Liza on the scamler, and I’m feeling good. She’s snuggling up close to me. I’m thinking, i”m thinking this could be it, this could be where it’s all going to happen. This could happen. And then they put that bar seat belt down. And the bar seatbelt is not a reassuring piece of equipment. It’s not a ralph nader approved, I don’t think it’s saved lives, I think the only thing i’ve done is sort of held someone aside to the pavement making sure they are dead and they cannot talk about the scammer accident, first rule of the scalmlinger accident don’t talk about the sackler accident hta’s from scammer club. I knew from the moment they put the bar seatbelt down that I was going to throw up. For sure. And. I even said to the 16 year old stoner, hey actually , and he was gone. Apparently he doesn’t enjoy the second halves of sentences. So then I’m scrambling. As i’m scamling i’m thinking, I need to come up with a plan of some kind, i’m not going down without a fight. And the first plan was very simple: don’t look at liza, don’t look at any other people, don’t look at liza don’ outlook at any other people don’t’ look at lisza don’t look at any other people. I need a new plan. An. the new plan. I needed to tell the scamliner operator. That he needed to stop the ride, the mechanics of the scrambler are such that the window of opportunity in which one can communicate with the scammer operator is a very limited window. Gotta tell to stop the ride, gotta tell him to please stop the ride, gotta tell him to please stop the ride. I’m not sure he bred me. I gotta say it louder. I’m not sure he’s paying attention. I think he might be smoking pot right now. Third time I said please stop the ride I’m throwin up. And it’s an upscaling sparkline. Popcorn peanuts, insulation, really the pavement, with my homemade carnival salsa. I did not look at liza. Remember she was staring at me, because I was a spectacle at that point. And we did not make sure I did not lose my virginity that evening. 

Cattle Call Dance

Two years later it gets worse. At the st. John’s high school has what they call a cattle call dance. This is all boys high school. They would incite the girls from all over the step to our sweaty st john’s gymnast like cattle. Which is a friendly way to describe women, cattle showing up at eight, we make out with the cattle. Cattle go home at ten, then we go out for a burger, completely separate from the cattle analogy. It was a horrible affair; it was just his room full of sweat and hormones and (). And led zeppelin and making out,and at this point I was the lone member of the none make out club, and it was worse than that, because I had to lie to friends and tell them I had my first kiss because it was this really tough all boys school. And they go have you had your first kiss, yeah like all the time, like very weke, i’d be scared that at some point there would be a follow up question like yeah what’ it like, oh like likcing an ice cream cone, oh no it’s not it’s like sucking on a rocket poop aahh used the wrong analogy. I’m at the dance, and i’m flaked my friend Sam richiari. And we danced with these two girls and they were the last two girls at the dance they were like moooo. We were like moooo. And thens am says one of these phrases that we’ve all heard but it is very uncomfortable to repeat, you get that one. Which I know is a terrible phrase but i’m comfortable saying it because I know i’ve been on the negative end of that conversation, where a girl says of me, you get that one, and her friend oph. Or even worse, like you owe me, which really hurts, thinking of someone occurring debt based on my appearance. I would hate to hurt someone’s credit score, and he goes you get that one, and I get fast dancing with this girl sandra, to young mc’s bust a move, and i’m not great at sast dancing but there is a strobe light going so it’s only catching me one out of 5 frames. So she’s losing interesting but at one fifth the speed. And I’m saved by a slow song, stairway to heavy which is a classic make out anthem. What’s great about slow dancing you can’t really mess it up because it’s really just a slow motion hug, the only way you can mess it up is just like fast dancing in the middle of it, what are you doing I don’t think I get social cues. But it’s such a long song, stairway so I’m trying not to digitize. I’m kind of a fidget person. I feared if I fidgeted too much I would iniati the head tilt too early, I didn’t know anything about making out. I saw it before, there was a head tilt, and tongues inwood. And there was some kind of space between the two mouths. To me that was the mysterious part of the whole thing,what is happening in that space, there is no, you know no video documentation of that area, it’s like the giant squid making out, no one has seen it alive, just washed up on the shore. Which is more specific to the squid side of that analoge. So trying not to gidge with one and half minutes left in the stairway to heaven the song hits that crescendo. All around me, kids started to tilt, just a harvest of teenages makingout around, I was like oh no. I don’t want to be alien anymore, and I make the slightest titl and Sandra comes in strong and then it’s’ all out mouth war. She had atterial because she had braces, it was like a dog eating spaghetti and the fork. As tis oral attroacy is taking place, all I can think is i’m not alone anymore, i’m not in the none make out club, and all I wanted to do was tell my friends, and I couldn’t because up until that point I lied and said I had my first kidd, walked off the dance floor and sam was like how did it go dude, same as always. Pretty smooth. As the week wore on I tried to convince myself that maybe it did go well and this could bud into a relationship of some kid, but I got her number from tom, an those conversation ended up being very breig, we didn’t have a lot to talk about, I just remember being like, hey you like full house? Me neither cool alright later. I remember getting this bive from ehr like why are you calling me, and I remember thinking oh I’m probably reading into that one too much,and then she stopped calling her back, and then I thought I read into that one perfectly. And I just felt dumba about the whole thing, until one day I was standing by my locker with my friend tom, and I said hey what’s going on with Sandra she hasn’t called me back, and tom has this knowing grin on his face. And i’m like what, and toms’ nothing, and i’m like aht and toms like nothing. And I’m like what, toms like oh, I talked to Sandra, and she said you’re the worst kisser, shes’ ever kissed. And it was so devastating cause not only was it probably true, I couldn’t even explain to my friend why it was true. I couldn’t say, that makes sense. I’ve never done that before, so instead I had to play it off, yeah that sounds about right, I’m a terrible kisser, that’s kind of my thing. 

You seem cool

So I lean to kiss Jenny and she says oh no thank you. She agreed to go out with me in New York. We were both living in New York and she agreed to give me her number, and from that point on she would be at a jenn Irish pub, nice. Few weeks later I took her out of a restaurant that I couldn’t afford to show her how much money I could put on my credit card, and she said to me, everyone hates me at work,and I said why would they hate you? I love you. She goes, you love me. I go, I mean you seem cool. I pulled it back. I didn’t want to show all my cards. Just about nine of them. One of the other things of note she said on this date was sometimes, i’ll date two people at once, so i’m never let down by one person,and I said, that seems like a really smart plan, like i’d like to do that as, and she said, i’m still kind of seeing my ex boyfriend john and she said you can see other people as well, just tell me. You’re seeing them alright, sounds like a plan got it., break. I gotta go find some more people. Few nights later, I was in another city and I did a show, and after the show I ended up making out with this random girl, and a few nights later i’m at dinner with jenny. And she says how was your trip, I said it was great, I did some shows and one night I ended up making out with a random girl. And that didn’t go over very well. I could sense in the conversation, and I’m right about that. I was supposed to tell you that that happened, and she says but it doesn’t mean that I won’t lose interest in you. And I said, well that’s a whole new clause! That’s a twist, what is this a romantic comedy version of the usual suspects. I said are you you still seeing John, and she said well sometimes, and I said well don’t you see the contradiction in that, and she said yes. And it get very quite. Because we were falling in love. 

Winter in Bermuda

Three weeks into my relationship with jenny I built up the courage to ask her on a trip to Bermuda. I wanted to show her how much more money I could put on my credit card. And we went to Bermuda. It was the off season and you can get these great deals online and it turns out when it’s winter in New York it’s also winter. In Bermuda, and uh. Jenny and I meet up in the airport and she’s late, and that’s a big pet peeve of mine, I fancy myself as a professional traveler, I have my packet of ticket and passport and I have laceless moskal and I never tell jokes about bombs, and jenny is late, and i’m not making this up she doesn’t have a license or a passport and I said what do you mean I say how do you travel, and she said usually they let me on the plane with my credit card and work id. I don’t like to dwell on the differences between men and women I just can’t imagine a scenario where a man would go to an airport without a passport and they would let him on a plane but women get a pass on things like this that I find completely bewildering if I were in charge of al qaeda, what I would do, is I would recruit attractive women because they’re just not stopped under any circumstances, though it would be difficult to recruit them is all they have to offer is the 72 virgins, and women wouldn’t want that, unless they’re lesbians. There’s An idea, al quiada. Al quiada could recruit hot lesbians, then they’d have to guarantee that the 72 virgins are also lesbian. All 72 virgins are also lesbians unless you think of sexuality as like a blank slate concert, and the 72 virgins are like “I didn’t eve know I was a lesbian, until I had sex with that hot lesbian terrorists, and now that’s all I’m into. I jested to be into these afganie guys, they would die in a plane crash to have sex with me and 71 of my friend, but now I don’t see kahlid in the same way anymore” the point is we went to bermuda. And we’re on the flight, and the flight attendant puts over and she puts champagne glasses in front of us,and says congrats on your honeymoon. And, we said oh no thanks we’re not on our honeymoon, and jenny says oh that’s so funny I don’t think i’d ever go on a honeymoon and I go oh really why and she goes OH I don’t think i’ll get married in my life, and I say oh really why is that based on a principal or did you have a bad relationship like what was your first boyfriend like, she told me about her first boyfriend bryan and they were at the same bus stop when they were 15 and they would make out on the bus and they were together for six year and their relationship got deeper and they would talk about how they were going to get married and spend the rest of their lives together, nad isaid and then what, and she said then he died, and is aid do you ever talk about this with anyone and she says no, I don’t really like to talk about it. But those were the kind of conversations that we were having on this trip where Jenny was opening up to me and I was opening up to ehr, and at one point I said we should do this again, go on trip and you can get an incense or a passport. And Jenny said that sounds great but I don’t think I’d get a license or a passport and I was like yeah but it’s the law, and Jenny said yeah I don’t think I’ll get one because they don’t make me get one, that’s how I feel. That’s how Jenny argues things sometimes, she’ll just say that’s how I feel and I’ll say that’s not an argument. We’re not even in an argument right now because you don’t have an argument. She’ll say I just won that argument. And I’ll say that’s not even possible, based on the defiance of what an argument is, and she’ll say I just won that argument again, that’s how I feel. You can see how that can be a little bit maddening. On the final day of the trip we got in an argument about essentially nothing. She noticed there was a basketball court where we should play and she said yeah but not like a guy and she said why, and I said oh because I would win, and she said oh I think I’d win. And I said oh well I think id’ win, and I know the thing i’m suppose i’m to say is that oh I don’t win, and then let her win but I don’t have that in mine. And Jenny goes you don’t have it, let me win, and so we went out and played basketball and kicked her ass . it was just like, and one and one, I was having a good day,but still I was just dwts trying her, and at one point she said, I have never met someone who is so obsessed with the score,. And I said, the score is what makes it a game. After arguing about this over lunch. Two or three in the morning about essentially nothing, and I don’t understand why you are so obsessed with being right,and I got I’m not obsessed with it, I just am. I said hey do you think you’re right, and she said’ show how I feel’. I said if you think i’m so wrong, I said why are you even with me? And Jenny says, you can’t choose who you love. Which is true, but it doesn’t mean it’s good. 

My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend

Remember the first time I fell in love was in high school and it was that first time you fell in love and it was like, that’s it, I found her, I’m 17 years old and I’m done. Her name was Amanda and she was adorable and funny, and what was funny for me was that she was like a delinquent, and I was this play by the rules school citizen. She had been exiled from her previous school for dealing acid, which I thought was a really strong quality at one point she was like, it was totally messed up because it was like, not even me it was this other girl and I was framed, and I was like awesome like no one ever framed me for anything, I just, I thought it was like an opposite attracted, like she wanted to know what it was like to hang out with someone in student government who writes for the newspaper. I wanted to know what it was like to be cool. At one point she was like do you want to write an article for the newspaper?” She was like I don’t want to write an article, I want to do things people write about.” I liked the good answer. I find that when you fall in love you tend to overlook certain red flags. One of them was that she would say really mean stuff to me, but then she would pull it back. No one likes you at all only kidding. Or like, your like a nerd but your not even smart, just joking., can’t choose who you love. Second red flag with amand was that she was a liar. I don’t mean that in an offensive way. Lying was like a sport in the school I was at. I transferred from an all boys school to a co ed school and there was this one boy in my class named Keith Roberts and he was a legendary liar you would know when he was lying because he would lick his finger like a bookie and he would date his eyes from side to side, and would go yeah yeah nice nice. He wasn’t even handling money like I don’t even know. What this is about, and then he would lie about things that are insignificant like yeah my uncle is Tony Roberts motivational speaker. Yeah nice. You know, we found out that wasn’t even true, but even if that was true it wouldn’t be impressive to a bunch of high school students, but I think that the jedi lies about little stuff and then no one notices when you lie about big stuff. It’s like banking. The final red flat with Amanda was that she told me that she wtol me not to tell anyone that she was my girlfriend. I know, I’m in the future also. I think we can all see now. That we’re so smart and mike’s so dumb, no I can also see in retrospective that that’s a much bigger red flag tan I eprciepved it to be at the time but I still was excited that she was with me at all, she said she had another boy friend at home, but it was bad time because his paretns were in the process of sick. And I went along with for a few months until she invited me to meet her parents, and I thought well this is the affirmation that I need, I’m going to crowned as the main boyfriend, and I drive my moms’ station wagon to her house and I walk in the front door, and there’s’ Amanda, dn there’s her parents and it’s going well, and a few hours go by and this other boy comes over to her parent house, and his name is scoot. I’m assuming he’s a family friend or a relative slowly I’m noticing similarities between scott and her other boyfriend. They’re both in their first year of college, competitive wrestler. And it’s dawning on me that I’m hanging out with my girlfriend’s boyfriend. I think it’s going pretty well. He seemed like a nice guy I could totally see what she saw in him, there was some consolation that when he would go in the other room she would hold on to my hand and say I wish it was just you and me here.” I remember thinking, you could make that happen. Way she said was as though she wasn’t involved in the decision process. Like I’d love to but the boys in corporate. Well the day took an even stranger turn when Scott suggested that we go hang out at his house, and I met his parents. It is ingidstgiest, meeting your girlfriend boyfriends parents for the first time, part of you is angry for obviously but part of you still wants to make a good impression. Maybe if this goes well she’ll see that I’m good with adults in general. As a side note, his parents seemed in perfect health. At one point his dad even said to me, how do you know Amanda. I said we’re just friends from school, so ashamed, and adults are dumb and I drove home and I remember thinking I am never going to let this happen ot me again. 

What’s he doing here?

So. Ten months into my relationship with jenny she invites me to meet her parents. And this is a tricky time at this point the relationship was intense but caslus aladn that’s a dangerous relationship cocktail. And it was hard to organize because I was away probably five days out of the week and so we found a Sunday where I was coming back from a 5 day stint in texas, which was awful because it was in Texas, which isn’t to say that I dislike texas entirely it’s’ such a large thing to dislike, me. But that week it felt like Texas just disliked me, and I just kind of disliked it back to the point that developed a small drinking problem, which is very popular in Texas. I was performing in a comedy and I love comedy clubs, but they’re kind of a high low entertainment proposition in some ways they’re kind of hate bastions of free speech, and then some of them sell dildo straws. Fifteen bachelorette parties, and they’re handing out gummy penises, that’s actually a thing, and I didn’t even realize that was part of the female fantasy of the penis, the fummy quality of the penis. I feel like if I was in charge of the codification of the penis, I’d be a hard candy and then if you suck it down to the gummy part you kind of put that off to the side, but that’s not my job. I’m. I leave that to the experts. I just do the comedy part. Buti was, perform at this club all week, and after a show I was approached by one of these bachelorette parties that had one of these novelty sexual checklist things, and I had been drinking all week, and I always stay to be a team player whatever I can do to help, I don’t’ see how this can end badly, and the next morning I wake up in my hotel room, and I’m all groggy and I run to the airport to my filth and I’m still 2 hours early, and I land in New York and get a cab and go to jenny parents house, and I walk in the front door and there jenny and there are her parents, and there is her other sort of ex boyfriend john. And he wasn’t front and center he was just in the pool waving doing laps kind of thing. But I pulled Jenny aside, and I asked, “What is John doing here? And she says he and I aren’t still together but when we were together he became friend with my step dad and he’s being staying here at their house for the last couple week, and I said that’s not good I feel like that’s give him the edge, and jenny is staring at me, and I say what, and she says, you have a hickey on your neck. And say I don’t think that’s true. And then flake in the mirror next to me, and razlike I do in fact have a hickey on my neck and say i’m really sorry and she says where is that from, and I say there is this bachelorette party and I was drunk and that sentence never comes out right, there is no way to deliver that line in away that makes seem even okay and we start arguing and it goes all the way back car and didn’t have a leg to stand on well what about john what is he doing here, and she said you have a hickey on your neck and I said at least I told you the truth and she said yeah eventually and eventually is better than ever, and then she kneed me in the ball I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced this before i’m sure half of you have not. It’s like being electronic except you don’t get to die, you want to die, but you can’t and there is a person in your face saying you deserve this, which they wouldn’t even do in eletronica. Because they would deem that as inhumane. Even, in texas. 


Jenny says I think we should just break up, it’s not just things, you know your away a lot of the time, and you work at night and I work in the day. I just don’t think it’s’ goin to work out. And I said okay. We’ve been apart for six months but I kept resisting calling her cause I wanted to give her space. Every once in a while I’d get a text message from Jen, an Irish pub, nice, and it would just say, hi. And i’d write back hi. It was the smallest form of communication two people could have but I think about some ways it kept us together, finally on news years I caved and I said hey I really miss you and I want to see you and we met for coffee and we hit it off. Just like we used to and we decided we’d get back together, I took her to get a license and passport. First I took her to get a social security card and then we took that to the dmv, and then we maield all of that to the government it was like a triple crown of identification. Jenny was wildly identifiable. One night she was heading back from her apartment to hers, and she stopped and I said what. And she says I think that we should live together. And I said , I really don’t think that’s a good idea, I just decided that as a principal I don’t want to get married or live with someone, and she says well unless we live together I just dont’ think it’s goin to work out, cause we just don’t see each other enough, and we don’t stand a chance. That’s how I feel. So we moved in together. 

The Argument

One day jenny gets an invitation to the wedding of one of her friends and she invites me to come along. And is aid oh no thanks. That doesn’t go over so well. Cause she says why,and I say as you know I buy into marriage and so I don’t buy into the flamingo boy pageant that goes along with celebrating it. She said, well what do you believe in?” I said I don’t know. She said, wel if you don’t believe in anything, how can you not believe in marriage. And said , well first of all, it just doesn’t seem necessary that marriage is an archaic institution invented in the middle ages based on exchanging property. I don’t want to be a part of that. Second of all I don’t think that we even have a common cultural understand of marriage ven is, I mean one of andy friend is about to get engaged and we were skeptical, and said are you sure that is the person you want to be with for the rest of your life, and he says yeah I think so, well what if she gets in a car accident and she gets disfigured would you stay with her then, and he says maybe. That is not an acceptable answer. Third of all, if I’m so in love, why does it need to be written in a government contract? And I’m not one of these “ion’ who want government over my people” . I think the government does a nice job, delivering the mail and suggesting I don’t eat poison. I just don’t understand why they need to be involved in my personal relationship. And last if marriage is religious, shouldn’t’ I believe in the religion. I’ve been to more weddings where the people at the altar don’t believe in the religion of the church they’ve invited us to. Some of them even go to classes with the praise in advance to further elago or lie about believing in a religion they don’t believe in because they don’t know when it is going to feel fulfilled. That’s insane, that’s how I feel. So I will explain this to jenny. Jennys ays, well if you ever did want to get married. I would marry you. And, I said. Why aren’t you listening to any of this? And Jenny says, that’s how I feel. 

I have Wheels!

At this point it was five in morning and we had been arguing all morning, and I had to catch a glitch at 620 am, out of newark airport to los angeles for a show I was doing tonight at what point I’ve over tired and I’m late and I was stuffin my things in my roller suitcase and I walks out of my apartment it’s five am that power to the morning before the earth even exist s before they program the earth. Part of the road isn’t even there, a guy with a laptop needs a road stat. What’s the code for building, and when you get to the airport the news hasn’t even started yet, it’s just an anchor looking around. What are you up to? And I get another kiosk and I print my ticket and bring it to the security lady and she looks at it and she goes, well that ain’t’ your gate. I get they changed the gate but the way she said it as though I had participated in the decision, well I was not involved I wasn’t even ccd as though I had been to kisiko and gone B22? Like hell am I flying out of b22. And then, photoshopped my own ticket and printed it up and this is where I’m going. I’m not that aggressive as a traveler. So where is this gate? It’s in another terminal. You gotta take a tram, and I start walking the roller suitcase and I hear, well you better run. Sounded like I was late, so I started running and the roller suitcase does not enjoy running. The roller suitcase is like I don’t want to run, I have wheels, and I also don’t want to run but this is what we have to do. I’ll tell you what. When we get to the hotel I’ll walk you in circles for a few hours. I get to the tram and it has that feature where it says how many minutes until the next tram arrives and I was like perfect. That’s exactly how long I want to wait but the tram is riding away . that’s negative one minute. Then it says ten minutes and I’m experiencing the psychological downward spiral like ho great I’m going to miss my flight then i’m going tmissvery flight from now on, and I’m going to miss my family reunion a, dn not going to have a family and i’m oging to be a crack whote and all of sudden I’m a fcrack whote but it’s just because I missed this one flight and I can feel the cancer forming in my body. In real time. I get on the next tram 10 minutes later and I runo the gate, and I’m sweating and out of breath and I’m so relieved that I sit down at the chair at gate 4 3and I fall asleep. And I wake up, to the sound of the doors shutting and I jump up, and the door closes and I am sad. The happy side is having an airplane and pilot. The sad side is me and the Cinnabon lady. Normally i’d be very excited if it were me and cinnabun lady big fan of apsteile the size of a baby and have enough calories for a year, bu tint eh instance, indeed someone who could communicate with the people on the plane, and the cinnabun lady is not very well connected in the airplane community. Iw as like do you know these people, she was like all I know is the wthie stuff goes on the side. 

The Culinary Way of Describing

I ran up to the giant glass window and started pounding on the gian glass window like a romantic comedy– like the Drew Barrymore character came back. She didn’t come back and I missed my flight and I got on the next one they could get me on and it was a stop over in Texas. I feel about Texas. I could go to Los Angeles late at night. I missed my show and I had never missed a show before. I’m so angry, and Jenny is calling me and I’m so angry and I’m blaming this entire day on her. I get back to my friend and house and I say this relationship is messing up my entire life, and he says you’re right. I know. I’m right, yeah your right. I know I’m right, and I drive out of Andy’s small road, and I’m boned. That’s the culinary way of describing it. One and half seconds I spun around and I’m thinking I’m dead. I’m paralysed. And then I hear nothing, then I hear the other car skid out and drive away. Twenty minutes later I’m sitting on the curb at this point the police have arrived as well as my friend Andy, and at this point I’m crying. You know how when you drop a baby on the ground and it doesn’t. It doesn’t start crying right away, it doesn’t understand the concept of dropping a baby on the ground and then it sees your face and then it’s like oh I should be doing something that matches that. I’m crying. Because i’m looking at my totaled car in front of me, in that moment I might have ceased to exist. Like I said earlier, I don’t really believe in anything so math would have been the end. Every kiss or near kiss or scrambler ride would have come to a conclusion. The officer comes over and says what happened I got hit by this car, and then I heard nothing and then I heard the other car skid out and drive away. The officer points over to the light the other car has veered over to the right and into a tree, I can’t help but think that’s karma, that’s a hit and run and hit. And then the officer puts this form in my face, and he says sign this, and I say well what is this, he says it means you’re okay and we can leave. I’m really shaken up and I say I don’t know if I can sign it, and then he says just sign it. Which is a very unattractive quality, when someone just repeats a command that you’ve said no to. It’s very unattractive but very effective. You know, it’s signed it. Aandy takes me to the hospital just as a precaution, but it takes us two hours because the other driver had a beast up sphere. And eventually what andy says to me, well was the other guy drunk, and the doctor says well I can’t answer that, and andy goes well was he? He used the technique we learned earlier. And it works. The doctor goes, well he’s headed to jail and then we flash each other a look like the hardy boys, case closed. Few hours later we’re back at Andy’s house and I have one of the apparatus that people sometimes have, and I say I need to call Jenny and tell her we need to get married. And andy says, mike, sleep on it. And I said no no this makes perfect sense, and he puts his hand over the phone dn say smoke, sleep on it. He save me. 

The Accident Report

The next morning I fly back to New York and a few weeks later, I get a call from my rental agency saying that the accident report came back on the accident I just described. And it had foden me at fault,am that I owned 12000 dollar on the reports of rht other drivers suv. And I explained to the woman I think it’s a misunderstanding and the other guy was clearly drunk and it was definitely not my fault, and she was like I’m very sorry but unless they change the accident report> I’m going to show you the actual report tonight. I Don’t know if the people listening on the album who do not see this, you guys can confirm this is an actual accident report we have projected on the screen. I Don’t know if you’ve ever seen one of these things before, it’s a little bit like homework for hopes, and officer Tomson is not so good with the homework. He consistently mixes up passenger one and passner two an d bheinical one and bhiecnila 2, at one point so badly, that v1, that’ sme, started to go, but all of a sudden v1 that’s me also, came at high rate of speed crashing into him, now I’m pretty self destructive as a person but I, never crash into my own car. With my own car, nor would I understand how you can do that. This part is even crazier. The other driver stated in the accident that I was on vehince going ahh, I’m not too sure, I was going away from the beach, I was driving, I don’t know what happened. Did I hurt anyone? I don’t know where I was going. But I came from home. I had a sip of beer. Which is really everyone’s favorite quantity of beer. Just the one sip, right, that’s what they serve at the home slash beafh slash pub. All this in mind, the office makes one key mistake he checks the boys that find me at faults so I need to get officer timson on the phone, but the problem is that he keeps ducking my calls, and I know, cause I’m calling two or three times a day, calling department next to his department, and he knows that I’m calling. And finally after a month of this I get him on the phone and I’m so relieved I explain this misunderstanding and he listens to me, and says, do the right thing, and pay for the guy’s car. I know, and that’s what I said, aren’t you listening to any of this, this guy was clearly drunk and nearly killed me, inches from where he hit, and I would be dead right now. And just as one human being to another, he says do the right thing and pay for the guy’s car. And at this point it stops being about money, it’s about stopping a man who has no regard for people or the law, this is Chinatown. So I start printing google maps of the scene of the accident and california driving law, and i’m on the phone with lawyers and private investor and there is only one lawyer would take the case and he says did you have any loss of income from the accident and is aidno, and he says did you have any loss of income front eh accident? And said no. This isn’t about money. And doesn’t’ take the case. And this is when is go completely bad, I’m up till five am every night just sifting the web and I get a subslitpin to a site called net detective dot come, and it’s a great site for veligianet who have 29.95 so now I know this guy’s name I know where he lives, I know what he does for a living, and in my mind it becomes a trailer for revenge thriller like Jim bosner thought he was going to get away with this., but jim boser has another thing coming. Birbiglia I’m going to track down Jim boser and I’m goin to sue, I’m going to sue the entire loss angels police department. And at this point people stop talking to me entirely and my friend would call and be like hey what’s going on OH I’ll tell you what’s going on. And they’d be like you should get a lawyer this way past lawyers. A lawyer wouldn’t even touch this. 

Way Past Lawyers

The only person who would talk to me at this point was jenny. One night we went out to dinner at a restaurant, island. I wasn’t listening because I was writing ideas I had for the case, on my napkin. I had drawn a diagram of the intersection and the angles the cars were coming from and to, and the lanes, and the laws the other driver broke. And the phone numbers I was going to call that week, and I was so angry I was writing over my own handwriting, and I was ripping through the napkin, and Jenny looked at me and said what are you doing? And I said this is my case. And she said why don’t’ you work on that in the morning, and she said well which part of the napkin don’t’ you understand. Jenny says, mike, you’re right. But it’s only hurting you, and I’m just so glad you’re alive, and I think I should focus on that. And she only has to say it once. And I give up the case. And I pay for this guy’s car. July 7th 2007 Jenny and I went to city hall and got married. I still didn’t believe in the idea of marriage. And still don’t. But believe in her. And I’ve given up on the idea of being right. Thank you guys so much.

Andrew Dice Clay – Dice Rules

Andrew Dice Clay – Dice Rules



How are ya

Korean Delis, Indiana newsstands, Greek diner, and ass fucking parties, every fucking night of the week that’s New York. How are ya? What a fucking crowd huh? Madison square fucking garden. Top of the world mom. And I feel the vibe in the room, a lot of energy. We got some cute looking whores looking out. I’m all about pussy, I’ll tell you that much. I love it I dream it fuck it. And we’ll talk about that, because it’s a new decade, I got a whole new look and it’s all here it’s all here. 


Because being back in New York, being back you feel that fuckin attitude all the time you know. Even birds man, fucking birds have an attitude. They don’t just shit on you by mistake, they aim. Oh yeah, you could be walking with your chick, and they zoom right in and shit on your nose. Your chick is like “honey your nose, you got shit on your nose” and the attitude we got here, well maybe I want it there. Why don’t you shut your fucking hole I know there fucking, shit on my nose, but I get even on some fucking birds. I go to the park with some bread, feed it to them it has fuckin poison in it. I wait till they fall out of the fucking sky and I walk over to each one. Alright fucking scum which one of is the one that fucking shit on me?

Phone Sex

I can’t wait, I’ll tell you. They got fucking telephone sex now. That’s right, but i can’t wait till you can actually see the person on television, when they come out with that I’m not leaving the house, for no money. And I’m jerking off on the phone, I’ll be honest with ya. But I don’t like to call all these phone numbers to jerk off. I don’t like not knowing what the chick looks like, I call a chick I know. I don’t want to think that a big fat fucking pig balding with big ears, I got to know what I’m jerking off to. But you know what happens with some of these chick, they get embarrassed. So you’re way into the thing and all of a sudden you’re like uhh uhhh and she’s like, um, look right my parents are over there, call me in another week.  I really gotta go click. And you’re on the other end going uhh uhh uhh and you can picture her on the other end of the phone, uh mother would you like another piece of Danish, and you’re starting to steam you’re looking at that phone and you pick it up. Uh uh. Mom passed the sweet and low, uh. Piece of shit, and I ain’t’ taking you outside. Jerking off that’s all it’s about pal, don’t matty this one, what do you think you’re done fucking chick. Look at the fucking tits on that animal. Look at the big fat motherfucking tits. They are spectacular. You telling me she won’t look good with balls across her chin, you telling me that? Show me those tits, go ahead. Show em the fucking tits, get the fuck up, move get the fuck up, turn around show em the fuckin tits. Look at the fucking lips on her, she could suck tennis balls through a tennis racquet. But yeah go get married 

Ya can’t be nice to them

Ah yeah you can’t even be nice to me, they don’t even understand when you’re being nice to them. You could go Honey, I love you, simple thing. I love you, what do they go into? Really, well do you love because you need me? Or do you love me just because you love me. Oh go fuck yourself, cook me some dinner you dumb dunce. Oh I can’t deal with marriage, I’m telling ya. 

Christmas Present

Now I know I’ve talked about what happens before you marriage nut after ya marry em, you’re over there every Sunday, and the mother starts breaking your fucking horn, she’s like let me ask you are you taking care of our little girl, and you’re looking at the mother like, let me tell you something about this fucking whore, huh. Ever since I married her, she don’t clean the toilet, she don’t lick my ass, she don’t do nothing, maybe if you blew me, she gets a Christmas gift, maybe Cause I’ll tell you, don’t get me wrong I’m good with my girl for Christmas I bought her everything. I bought her this uh  this beautiful, this um, this dustpan. Oh you had to see the look on her fucking fact I had her initials engraved, and you know what it was, last year I got her the broom. And I forgot the dustman, so all year she’s sweeping shit into her hand, now she sees the dustpan years later. She knows I didn’t fucking forget, she got this look, just staring at me. I’m just standing there huh. Unbelievable, pick something up for me, huh. 

Hoity Toity Chicks

I know how to treat a lady. You go out you pick up a bunch of chick, yeah you snapper hear? Stupid fug. Where do you go to pick up chicks, discos, discos aren’t bad. It just chicks in discos go the hoity toity attitude. Ya know, you come over to em, hey baby what’s going on, you want to dance. No I don’t dance .Okay great, do you want to just blow me in the toilet so I can get out of here. My wife don’t even know where I am so let’s get it done. I just have no told me, but we got good looking chicks in the front, double loads for each of you. Look at this front row, give me the finger. I like that. Jerkoff .he got no brains, you’d fuck any chick .You would you’re that type. You’ll get so many disease that your dick will look like a cheese pizza with everything on it. That’s what I think. Right honey. 

Opportunity in America

Little more tit, little more tit, fucking animal. I’d bang that without even thinking about it, that’s the beautification of America. The opportunity man. The fucking opportunity. I mean here, look at guys like Geraldo. Look at fucking geraolod. The guys on tv for 10 fucking years hasn’t done one show yet. I remember about four years ago, I’m watching the herald, and he’s doing this show about um, he’s digging into Al Capone’s safe. And I’m with this whore, who I’m gonna bang, did I mention I was gonna fuck her but I figured I’d take out two minutes to watch this show, 2 hours later, geraold’s still on tv, going we’re still digging. He finally gets in the guy’s grave there’s nota piece of link, not an old newspaper, no a thing, I’m sitting there thinking, you fuck. Where the fuck do you get your balls to think you keep me up for three hours when I coil be banging this whore. What do I do, what do I do, I go to visit his show cause he has a question and answer period. So I’m there, I’m patient i raise my hand, he goes yes you have a question. Yes. I go SPICE, who di you blow to get this fucking job huh? Where do you get your balls big enough to keep up all night with a hard on and you go nothing to show from it. But that’s because we live in America, the greatest country in the world. You get those opportunities. 


That’s why I get the opportunity to stand up here and talk about Japan. Japs aren’t funny, come on. Come on. Let me tell you something if it wasn’t for Donald Trump the japs would own every fucking thing. But they could fold a shift around those people boy. And they must. They always look like they’re taking a shit. They’re always like hhhhh. They look like they’re taking a shit or jerking off. There are so many japs in this city that soon enough I’ll have my act in Japanese, I’ll be coming out like . Sucking my dick. 

Handicaps, Cripples

There’s everything you can make fun of, c’mon what about people who twitch. You ever look at a jerk off woh twitches, you try to talk to the guy, so anyway, I thought that.. Memory… what’s with the pointing of the guy, you gonna make left? What about stutters. These guys, so anyway, ttt tt what the fuck are you trying to say. You’re 30 years old, talk like other people. No fucking tolerance. Maybe it’s the 90’s I don’t know. But you get on a bus you got these old people with walkers. They got fucking walks, and they’re slow as shit. It’s like your stop comes and here’s this old fuck on a walker. And it’s like they do it they have to concentrate on their tongue. You’re trying to get off the bus and they’re in front of you like. And you’re like get the fuck off the bus. I got shit to do. Get a wheelchair. AH amn, I can’t deal with it. That’s it. There’s this one time, this one handicap guy I saw a few years ago. I’m with this chick, I was gonna fuck her, did i say that. That goes without saying. We’re drinking wine. It’s nice, the music is down low. Then all of sudden this guy comes walking in, you ready for this fucking guy. MMhmmm, get the fuck out of here. What’s the matter of here. Get the fuck out, I’m throwing up. Get the fuck out. I couldn’t even get a hard on. But i love people. And that guy is doing pretty good. I saw him on star search. 

Don’t move

Uh Jesus. Not your fuckin mouth. What toilet did you pop out of? This is the type of guy who gets out of the shower to take a piss. That’s what happens when you don’t jerk off everyday, you start going crazy. Go sit the fuck down I don’t want to deal with you no more. I got no tolerance for nothing. I’m telling you man, and if you bang em to olong you get in an argument anyway balls are bouncing off her ass. All of sudden she’s like wait, don’t move and I don’t know about you, but I got an attitude about that shit, I’m like who are you talking to like that? Don’t move. Go stop, what do I look like a fucking s traffic light to you, whose doing the fucking here. Ahh man, I love people I pick on everyone. 

Double Parking

Everything is good even when I tell you don’t marry her. Go ahead marry her man, how do you know where’s she’s been. How do you know she’s not the biggest fucking whore to walk this fucking town man. I wen with this one girl, she was such a fucking tramp I had to double tuck my dick on her ass, and wait an hour to get in. oh it’s un fucking believable. 

The Car Ride

There is always arguments. You can’t stop arguing with a chic. You can come home work your fucking nuts off for a week but come Friday night they’re standing there at the their door, that look in their head, that take me out, and your standing there thinning I’m just gong to stay  in scratch my balls or whatever. And they’re like hey guess what Cindy is having a party,d o you want  to go? So like a good sport, you’re like okay I’ll take the fucking whore out, so you jump in the shower, you’re a good sport about it, you’re driving along. All of a sudden she’s got to start, uh why didn’t you make the left back there, I figured I’d go straight what’s the rush, I would have made the left, but your not driving why don’t you just sit there and shut up. Why do you have to talk to you, I’m not talking to you anyway, I have the radio on so I don’t even fucking hear you anymore. So why don’t you just sit there and shut your fucking hole stupid, well you don’t have to call me names. I’m not calling you names, honey I’m trying to drive you astarte to the left and right. What do you care, it’s not the cash of the fuckjing century, take me home. What, what do you mean take you home. Cause your giving me a fucking attudite. What, I’m not giving you a fucking attitude. I didn’t even want to go out, you staranding there with that look in your head, I girure I’ll be a nice guy put on a set of fucking drawers but no you got to start in with the make the left make the left make the left well I didn’t make the fucking elf, so just sit there and shut your fucking mouth. So now we get to the party. And I fuck her friend Cindy. On principle. 

The Driveway

Cause that’s how I am with a chick, when I’m out with a chick I drop a load. If I buy her coffee, I don’t care if I have to walk up the fucking driveway jerking off the whole way up, I’m dropping a load in her presence. Unfuckingbeliable. 

Subway Travel

You know a lot of guys, especially in New York, out in la they don’t have a subway system. But here. They do, and a lot of people don’t like it. But I know how to use the subway system. Like I’ll set my alarm clock for 8 o’clock, of course I don’t even have a day job, this is what I do. I’ll get on those rush hour trains at 8clcok for that 8 o’clock grind. You passed every chick in the train, you got your dick lodged in 400 asses before you hit a deep cough avenue. You drop a lot, you turn around, you’re back in bed before nine o’clock. Your day has started. Cause I’ll tell you there’s nothing like jerking off, any guy knows that. You’re on a date. Nothing Like jerking off, any day you’ll be pulling out many loads, you’ll be pulling out knee calitfage after the third one, you don’t care. 

The Grocery Store

There’s all kinds of places to pick up chicks. What about the grocery, cl;mon. You go over, feeling a couple of tomatoes, you go over, hey those tomates look like you’re tits. You gotta know what to do with them, next thing you know you’re in the car, and she’s blowing ya, and the beauty of getting blown in the grocery store parking lot is that you’re watching all the other good looking ones walk out. And you think about them blowing ya. That’s what I think. 

Industrial Size

You gotta know what you’re doing. I know you’re a jerk off artist, I see the way you treat your left hand. You got the old knuckle shuffle, I didn’t forget that. Jerking off no matter what I talk about. King. That’s why come winter time, I go to the neighborhood drug store and pick up an industrial size can of vaseline, and the girl behind the counter, always gives me shit “what do you need such a big can of vaseline for?” my girlfriend likes it in the shitter, you know how it is honey. You gotta know how to talk to people snapperhead. 

The Urinal

It’s fun to bang a chick toilet too if you ever do that. That way you’re real close to unreal for the after piss. That’s what I think. I’m a very sick man. 

1989 A Review

Uh man, let me see if i’ve completed the entire act. Cause i’ve got the whole fucking act right here, we did jerking off in the subwya, we did banging chicks in a bedroom, check. And a double park on her ass, the cheese pizza thing, what’d ya yell out. Mother goose, so you want to review 1989. (a rap) Little miss muffet sat on her truffet, eating a curse and lying, little miss spidey sat down on the seat, said hey what’s in the bowl bitch oh! Turn the lights on i want to see this fucking crowd. Let me fuckign see you. How you doing. Jack and jiill went up the hill both with a buck and a quarter, jill came down with 2.50 That fucking whore. Little boy blue, oh. Truee blind mice see how the run where the fuck are they going. Jack be nimble jack be quick, jack burnt off his fucking dick. You know you’re pretty good and i like that, and i had a feeling you wanted to do those so like always i never stop working. And i’ve put together a few new poems. Rocka baby on the tree, oh your mothera a whore oh. You like that one, here’s one for you, einny minny moon suck my dicka nd sawallow slow. Oh. twinkle twinkel little star, how i wonder who you as, as I shine upon the fucking lto, eat my girlfreind butt oh. Patty cake patty cake bakers man, if your chicks on her period fuck her int he can. Well just yo recimsint a little, Georgie pudding and pie jacked off in his girlfriend’s eye, when she was all good and shut Georgie fucked that one eyed slut. Oh . Hickory dickory dock. , some dick was sucking my cock, the clock struck 2 and dumped my glue, bad bing. And of course, how can i leaven out, the poem, jack spack could eat not fat, his wife could eat no lean so jack and gor and licked her asshole clean. One of my personal favorites, mary mary quite the tarry, trim that pussy it’s so damn hairy. Hey diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle the cat jumped over the moon, that’s more than my lazy wife does that fat lazy bambon. Little bow peep, fucked a sheep, blew a horse licked, she ate his ass, so very nice hung to his balls not once but twice. An old lady lived in a shoe, had so many kids her uterus fell out. Oh mother hubbard went to the cupboard to get an old dog to give her a bone, she bent over. Oh, she got a bone of her own. Be a good old mother goose, remember her, i’d fuck her. YOu are an unbelievable crowd i”m having a great time with you. 

Bad Press

Let me tell you something, I know that, I know that I’ve been getting a lot of bad press. About the kind of language I use, and things I talk about. No but let me tell you this one thing, let me tell yout his one thing, if the press doens’t understand how funny it is that 20,000 people gather in madison square garden and laugh at mother goose poems they can take their pappers and whip their fucking asses with it. That’s what I think. I’m thrilled to be here at the garden. They don’t have a championship belt for comedians but if they did i would be the undisputed comedy king. 


We got all kinds of shit happening here tonight. You like dishing it out on the first date. You spread it out on the first date? Do you spread it out? A lot of these chick aren’t smart, do things ass backwards, know what I mean? You know what I”m saying, then they bore you in the car. Now you get to her apartment, she’s like “you gonna walk me up” you look at her like, for what? Lieke what you got a gift up there for me, your mother awake, what’s going to happen? And I ate after they blew me. You know you taste really good. What was this a blow job or the pepsi challenge? And then you what they do, this in finally, they wanna kiss you, they come in for that big mushy kiss, real droller you know what I meant. Hey honey, if I wanted to taste it, I’d be a fucking faggot. Hey. Blow jobs are for chicks. Tricks are for kids, blow jbos are for chicks. 

Shakin’ Hands

Shaking hands is the most disgusting custom ever invented. Why do people do that, you know how hands feel sometimes, sweaty sticking, they could have just whipped their ass. Tap head, smash your dicks together or something. WHy do we gotta shake hands? You know what I mean. 

Chicks Aren’t Funny

But some couples fall in love like this couple here, you gotta be in love to sit in the front and watch me. Cause you know, you’re finished. I mean she’s alright, you’re happy, i could see it, she’s got the whole look. You’re married to this, no, you’re smart.l You’re just banging her on off nights, when you’re not with the guys. You’re not hanging with her cause she’s fun. Chicks aren’t fun they never were. You know what I mean. Hang with the guys you have a good time. When the last time she stuck her ass out of the car and mooned the guy next to you? She aint’ gonna do that, but jooey will. The last time she went to a porno movie and jerked off all in front he sat next to you. But joeys gonna do that. They can cook they can bake they can do that shit yeah that’s nice. 

3 Beautiful Dates

You gotta know how to end the relationship. Not begin wone. Icall it three beautiful dates, you know what i mean, cause normally a guy takes out a chick by her looks, you’re attracted and you want ot bang her, but you can’t just grab a girl off the street, and say hey i want to bang you. So there is some money that has to be laid out. Get a hotel room. So what do you do, you call them on like a tuesday, they go crazy for that, that advanced notice. Like you really afr,e you call her ona tuesday and say i want to take you out saturday, cause if a chick stays home saturday she cuts her wrist, but if a guy stays home saturday he jerks off all over himself, it’s  great night. Bu8t with a chick what am igoing to do, tis’ the end of the worl dhtey dont’ knwo theyr stupid wlel omsot ofhtem, so you take her out saturday night wear a beautiful suit, you go to a resxzturatn, listen ot w3ht she says liek you crea. Then next Tuesday you call her,and then Thursday right, right. Bring her some flowers, she’s already got a plan to get married in 6 months. She’s telling her mothers he’s the greatest, now it’s the third week you call her up. Every fuckign day, every day you send a little card, what’s going to take, wahs’ another 5 six dollar in cards, so now there’s going to bang you, and now it’s like how am i going to get rid of her, she’ thinks we’re ogni be the perfect gentleman. So you’re in bed like, ready for the gunk, gunk?She’s looking at you like a gunk. Hurry up, I got there. Some of these hcikcs are hard up their liet it pass. They’ll actually want to go out with you again,cause they told mom what a great guy you are. So now you’re in the restaurant again. Causes your such a great guy. Follow this. You follow this/ right you’re having a great you get up to pay for the chick and your balls are hanging out of your plant, and you’re looking at your balls, and she’s looking at you, my balls out my pants. How’d my balls get out of my balls, where are my balls all over the place? Where my fucking balls. You believe this. Got marinara sauce on them. Common my balls. And then normally they don’t want to see you again.that’s what i think. You know what I mean. So there is a lot of work . guys get tricky with balls. You anyway you get married, what’s going to happen you’re going to cheat on her. What are you telling me? What are you yelling, what are you yelling. You’re aloud that should have been swallowed. That’s what I think of you. Look what i got to deal weight. Hecklers. At my own showl. 


Ahh I go with chicks, no matter how many, that’s what I like. You go to a porno movie, to me that’s an action flick. That Steve Segal shit, that’s fine, but I like action. Have you ever seen a vagina on screen? Looks like a hann fucking tunnel. 

Debbie Duz Everything

So I went to see this one, it was about this woman who just got married it was called Debbie does everything that get in her way, so it’s starts out she had a fight with his husband, she takes out in the car, and what does she do, she goes to this Jewish deli. Kosher meat. There is this guy Mendel working behind the counter, so he’s giving her freetaste with the voern beef, next thing you know he’s on top of her, you ever hear a Jewish guy make love it’s unbelievable. It’s like, how. Touch it bitch. Who, shake the bit bit. Get cancer, you [piece of shit. So now what happens this little Chinese guy hears what’s going he comes pruning in and sees Debbie doing this shit, so now the chink gets behind her right , and he get behind her, and starts fucking her. Should get cancer you piece of shit. So Debbie is crazy. She grabs her holler and runs out of the restaurant and trips out of this Indian who lives outside of the resaturtn in a tiptree. I don’t know how he got there right. So he grabs her, and throws her in the teepee and next thing you know he’s on top of her, and she’s excited she never fucked quanto right. He gets on top, and he’s like. You whore your piece of trash, you fuckign peice of shit, get cancer. So now what happens he starts feeling a little bad she feels bad she let her husband it happens you know who these whores are. All he wanted was an excuse to get the fixx So she’s driving home and she pulls into a gas station for a little gas right. So i said trying a gas station he’s real cool. He goes I know, I think you need a tune up. So he gets her in the rage next thing you know, he’s standing behind her, oh. Oh. oh. You should get cancer, you piece of. 

Filthy in bed

But she’s pretty sexy. She is sexy in bed, she talks dirty, she gives it to you that way? Come on this is an adult show, come on what’s the big line that puts you over the top. Because they’re filthy in bed. They come over. You write this shit for me, I don’t write any of this I don’t’ know why, I’ll get in bed with a chick, I give her a nice little fuck type of thing, I’m going to keep quite watch the game, but all of sudden, oh use my cun, fuck my cunt, shut your load into my motherfucker fat loud puppy fucking motherfucker cunt. So I go along with it. Because I’m a nice person. But now twenty minutes later, you’re in the living room watching a ballgame, she’s in the kitchen it’s like she doesn’t even remember anything, hey do me a favor, cunt, grab me a beer, she looks at you like what. Cunt a beer, what’s the problem? Don’t you remember, cunt, call me. They gotta make up their minds, I mean could you imagine being out for dinner with the family, hey cunt could you pass the rolls. The whole family looks like what, you gotta make up your mind with a nickname. 

Salt and Pepper

Where the twins, there they are. Salt and pepper, two chicks, black hair and blonde hair. Nice tits, nice lips, nice ases. How much? 

Smoking’ For your health

Ay you like em. Look at you, look at you. Another few beers. People come in tell me to stop smoking how it’s not good for your health, but you come in drink six six packs. So what I’ll do, I’ll stand on the side street, as you’re wrapping your car around a telephone pole, and I’ll Say, will you look at that? Stop smoking fucking idoits. Now they’re gonna take the machines out of the store, like that’s that gonna stop you. People are so dumb. 

The news

The dumd shit you see on the news, like this own newscasters who want to go in the men’s locker room. I mean look at what they’re making an issue out of these ugly fucking dogs. That’s saw, those prick fuckign lookers. They went ot school so they had a fucking license to walk in a locker room and look at prick. Am i right, did you see the one, who said they molested her? Did you ever see someone so ugly in your fucking life. Now she’s pissed off can’t even look at prick, dumb prick looker looking bastard. There are more important thing in this world than prick looking. That’s what I think.

Fat orgasmas

That’s why I just bang someone and forget about the world. That’s why I told you I fuck fat man, you can have an organism anywhere with a fat chick. You’re in bed, uh uh, fold your ear. Uh that’s it press your armpit, fold your leg around my dick you fat fuckign cunt.

Black chicks

You bang a lot of guys, you bang a lot of guys? Huh what’s your name? Idiot? You’re an idiot. Uh fuck. What’s your name, talk. See i can’t take that. These white girls today, white honky motherfucker. Jewish chicks, plastic furniture, sit and talk to the parents for a while. Not like black chicks, black chicks have a sensuality and a warmth that no white chicks can approach. 

A vibrant beautiful woman

Don’t you agree honey. No you seem like a nice girl, you got a boyfriend, you dig me don’t you. C’mon you don’t watch me, cause i don’t appeal to you. And you can see I think you’re pretty good. So when I tell you you’re a vibrant beautiful woman that I want to hold you, band ya in the ass. Shot some malt in the ass. You gotta believe me. Why would i lie. You know i know how to treat a woman. 

Woman’s world

Um, it’s a woman’s world thought. Today women can do anything. What kind of job did you get? Secretary, perfect. You’re a phone answer, a coffee bringer, it’s a good job. Hate these women who go to me. I’m gonna make it to the top. C’mon women don’t run the world. You got that one or two who suck or fuck their way to the top, bu tthen they become dykes, that’s what I think. 

The first blow job

What about you, anything you’d like to talk about, giving head? I’d like to meet the chick that invented that, you know. What an ingenious idea. I mean could you imagine, you were the first chick, think of it, think of it. Linda. You’re in a car, nobody has ever done it, you’re making out with this guy, you’re like you know what I’m feeling something, these signals start crossing your brian.  And you’re thinking I want to take this guy’s big hairy piss top cock in my mouth. I would shake your hand for that. 

People are pricks

But today everyone’ sin to the big health thing, watch out what you do. Going opt the gym everyone is feeling good about themselves, everyone is eating right, everyone can go fuck themes Leve. That’s why you get pricks. I used to be nice. Till I went into traffic with you cocksucker, you know what you do when you try opt make a right turn into traffic and you tailgate the guy in front of you, and your looking at your going against traffic and you go fuck em shoulod have been there. You know when you’re in an elevator and the guy is 2feet away and your close the door, fuck em scqubag. Ain’t in the mood for another mood for another person in here, want a personal ride. Your in line at the grocery, you got a whole thing of fucking food,  one guy comes up with one item, you don’t’ even look at them, that’ show nice people are. And the guys like um, huh, excuse me, I just have butter. Just one thing of butter and you look at him yeah so, what’ shte problem, look what you have, well I’ve been waiting here for twenty minutes. That’s when you have to take out your cock and piss on the guy.a and then turn out and don’t pay for the battery. You know what i’m saying cause your a prick. 

Ya hear

Look at you. Shit you’re (?) know what I’m saying, know what I’m saying yeah! We’ll do it all together, I go like this. I’ll say know what I mean, understand, no you don’t do this, you’re a jerkoff. Know what it means, get it, here. So after get it, you all come in with yeah. And then we all say, ay ay. Ready? Know what I mean  I hear yea. What is that? That’s how owl back got started. 

Apartment LIfe

You live in an apartment building? You hate your fucking neighbors. It’s like, I’m home jerking off, all of sudden the fucking price that lives next door rings my fucking door, all of sudden I’m pissed off. I’m in the middle of jerking off, so I answer the door, and it’s really the chick, knowing what I mean, didn’t hear, alright, alright. That’s it, I’m taking off. I’ll see ya. Goodbye. Alright, I’ll see ya. 

Brooklyn Bad Boy


Todd Barry – From Heaven

Todd Barry – From Heaven

Working With Me

Todd Barry about to happen. Comedy studio. Ladies and gentle, please welcome to the comedy studio, Todd Barry. Heheh, thank you. Let’s hear it for all the comedians that went on before me, shall we? Must be exciting for those young comics to work with me, it is, not be an asshole or anything, semi-famous, somewhat borderline respected. They get to talk in that yellow Cambridge café, hey man, you get to work with Todd Barry, that’s so cool. And it’s exciting for me as well, no it is. I got back to New York and talked to my comedian friends. They’re like, who you work with in Cambridge, some local dicks I don’t know. Just throw some people up there, I don’t have time to deal with that. You know what I mean Chris Rock. Then I high five Chris Rock. Non Stop high fiving between me and Chris Rock. That’s the bulk of my day, in New York, high fiving Chris Rock. He never gets tired of it. He’s like, Todd I’m more successful than you, but I still have a lot of time to high five you. I know you do. You can tell I’ve never really high fived. It doesn’t make that noise. Hey let’s dive into my act shall we? 

Leaking, Looking for an apartment, Fried Looking for an apartment

I live in New York city, I had a leak in my apartment, there was some brown liquid pouring out of my ceiling. I called a plumber, I was like hey what is that. He was like don’t worry it’s not shit water. Oh. thank you. For putting that into layman’s terms. Cause it’s been a while since I’ve been to vocational school. I didn’t quite know how to put it, but you nailed the essence of what I was worried about, that it might be shit water, but it’s not, it’s just a mysterious brown liquid, pouring from a light bulb. Form my upstairs negither’s bathroom, if it happens again I still might get eletrocquie, but I will not get old Jeremy. Cause as we have established, but it is not a shit invested water. I was looking for a new apartment. I went to a realtor. He was telling me about this place. He was gonna show me this place. I’m goin to show you it is great. It’s right across from Sarah Jessica Parker’s townhouse. Oh. that is very convince. Or all my Sarah Jessica Parker needs. Finally she and I can work out our differences, without having it spring for taxi fare. Woman I know was looking of a place to live, a roommate situation, she found a listing online it said “female roommate wanted must not be homophobic” she goes there meets a guy, it’s a one room apartment, two beds right next to each other, she talks to him finds out he’s a male prostitute. I just love that that was his screening question. Are you homophobic no that’s good. Cause I do have sex for money all day long, two inches from where you sleep. Hey do you have a problem with small pet,s no that’s good, cause I use they kitchen as a cock fighting ring. 

Guy who needs help, Been to NYC?, Driving with friend

I was in a taxi in New York, there was a guy giving directors to the car, he was like “hey man get over here quickly, i could use a little help in the nose department” I was like please don’t tell me that was your secret code for bring cocaine, i could use a little help in the nose department. The eagle has not landed yet, and when he does I hope he has something in his little claws from the nose department. I could also use a little help from the there ain’t’ quite enough heroine in my veins department. While I got you on the line, I could use a little assistant. My computer hard drive could hold another gigabyte of pictures of the young boy department. I could do that joke with any crime. Mail fraud you got it! I could use a little help in that I want to make my own stamps at home, using just crayons and construction paper, department. That’s it. I can do a mail fraud joke people. Like no one’s business. I was out of town and I asked this woman I met if she’d ever been to New York City. She said oh yeah I drove through there once. Oh. Where are you headed where the directions include, drive through New York city. Alright you’re going to come to a fork in the road, you don’t want to go right because that’s a major highway, go straight three miles an hour, through the most congested city in the country, and promise you won’t pull over because there is nothing going on there. Who approaches New York City for the first time and is not curious enough to pull over, whose like oh my god what do we have here, kind of a different vibe here. Should we pull over and walk around, no, New Hampshire awaits. I was in a car with a friend of mine. I had never been in a car with him before. I looked over. He’s not wearing his seat belt. I was like hey man why don’t you put that on, he was like you know Todd I’m not really a seatbelt guy. Oh I’m sorry I didn’t mean to shove my quirky taste down your throat. I don’t really enjoy sushi, you don’t enjoy reducing the chance of  crushing your head through a windshield. Different strokes. That was a little preachy and heavy handed, I apologize. 

Preachy Singer, English washer, Alabama, pittsburgh

I was at a bar in Los Angeles, listening to a singer, and after one of her songs she goes “you know I keep getting parking tickets, After I get a [parking ticket i go, god i just hope they give this money to the homeless. Yeah I guess they could or you could learn how to read no parking sign, pretend you got the cricket anyway and write a check directly to the homeless. There is no connection between the homeless problem and your shitty parking. I’ve been touring all over, I went to England, I did, they have these great things in England, these washer dryer combos, one unit it’s great. Throw the clothes in, push a few buttons four and half hours later you got a nice laid of soaking wet clothes, that probably aren’t even clean. I was all excited to work in London, after every show someone came up to my show “we sure did enjoy you, we’re visiting from south Carolina” nice. I tour the south though I do, i love touring the south. Some people up north are afraid of the south. I’ll tell someone I did a show in Albania, they’ll be like oh my god, what was that, like, you know, a chair microphone. I’m sorry I know what you’re looking for. I’ll tell you what it was like. Well I flew into Birmingham, the imperial wizard from the clan picked me up from the airport, rode to the club on the back of an old mule. Tried to get a joke out over the shouts of Jew boy go home, at the end of the night, is said where’s my check they said you’re not getting a check, you’re getting this bag of pork reins. Was that the answer you were looking for, you narrow minded fake liberal fuck. I did a show in Pittsburg woman came up to me after the show all smiling, she was like oh my god you were so much funnier live than you are on comedy central. I just wanted to say I bet your comments are better television. Maybe you can get your own show on the new backhanded compliment network. 

Birthdays, Challenge, cambridge, Noodle Gift

Sometimes someone will come up to me before a show, and be like, “hey it’s my friends birthday, can you rag on them?” I always thought that was a ballsy request. Hey i know you had a show planned but ah, something came up. Something came up? Something important i hope, like a total strangers birthday, how’d ya guess, oh i don’t know the annoying way you approached me. And the fact that it happens 200 times a year, but I will go backstage and I’ll start writing. It’s a half hour material enough on your friends birthday, because that’s what I got on a flight to Arizona. Cause I was totally jazze3d at he possible that someone i don’t give a fuck about, that they might be celebrating that everyone else celebrates. What I’m saying is that it’s his night not mine. I did a show at a comedy club. This couple walked out after five minute. Not only did they walk out, they called the club manager while I was on stage. Oh that guy was an awful man, I wanted to challenge him comedically. But my wife held me back. Kind of made me wish they stayed, just to witness that once. Guy stands up, I challenge you comedically. The wife grabs him, NO HONEY. Not again. Remember when we went to that play? And you wanted to challenge that actor theatrically. You got your ass handed to you. You install drywall for a living honey. Stay out of show business. Remember when we went to that palace with all the different cultures, you wanted to challenge them anthropoligical. Remember when we hunt out with those philosophies and you wanted to challenge them ontologically. I don’t know what those words mean, I just looked up philosophy terms in google, and it popped right up. Yeah I did know what I means cause I’m a bright guy. That’s why Cambridge is the only city I’m comfortable performing in. I’m going to move here, and only perform at this club, and not just because it’s also a Chinese restaurant. Which is now revealed to the people at home, holy shit toddy, a Chinese restaurant, yes, it’s good for press. Todd I gotta ask here, Todd why a Chinese restaurant why not I could see it out. I can sell outa Chinese restaurant let’s record in Chinese restaurant. It’s all about selling out. I can sell out virtually any Chinese restaurant. Boy Todd, what about one in China, alright you got me on that one. The chances of me selling out a Chinese restaurant in China are astronomical. Don’t bet on me, selling out Saigon. How is the food here? I noticed they took your away and returned it. While I should have been preparing my act I noticed they uh, what was wrong with your noodles. Hmm. a gift. Oh my god. A gift of half a plate of noodles. Well happy birthday to you. It was really a gift. No time to explore that story. Must be a good friend. Not so good that they’d want to sit anywhere near you. Alright let’s kick back into it. I know she’s still laughing about it. We’ll plug her laugh into the jokes that didn’t work. I think we can do that. We’ll plug her one laugh in. 

Prairie Dog, Sweet Shop

Been to dc, Washington DC? Yeah, national capital. I went there and went to the zoo. By myself, I am attuned to seeing pandas. I followed the signs to the panda, and right before the pandas there is an exhibit of prairie dogs. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a prairie dog but they are a-dor-ably. They are staggeringly cute, they are unbelievably cute, just jaw dropping. I saw the prairie dogs, and then I saw the panda, and I was like oh that’s cool, but I kind of want to see more prairie dogs. And then realized what I must be like to be in a show where I am the opening act. It’s like I came here to see the pandas, gotta leave talking about the prairie dogs. You guys sort of got that one. That joke works about every 45 times I tell it. I love staying at hotels, I always look up the hotel before I go there, to read these traveler reviews that people write. I’m staying at a hotel in Seattle. This woman wrote this review and said that she didn’t like the hotel because the soap there smelled too sweet. I can understand going to a hotel smelling the soap going oh wow that smells a bit sweet. I don’t understand taking the next step, running over your laptop, logging on cause you want to warn other travelers, about the scary hotel with the candy scented soap. But I did email this woman because I had a hot top on a hotel in Ohio where the hand soap smelled to gingery. 

Myspace, unbelievable Question, Guy who reads email, UF

You guys on the myspace huh, I’m on the myspace why not, I’m only 43. Sometimes i get a myspace friend request it says set to private, it’s like alright, 16 year old tommy from Louisville, playing a little close to the vest. I have to approve your friend request tin order to find out that you think strawberry pop tarts totally rule. It’s’ kind of secret you can’t just share with anyone, only someone willing to invest the time to click the mouse once, before never thinking about you again. I learned a lot reading those myspace profiles, like for example i didn’t know that movie Donnie Darko was the greatest movie ever made. I mean I remember seeing it and liking it, but I don’t remember it being the absolute greatest. I have a website it’s’ got my email address on it, so I get questions from all over the country. I get unbelievable questions like dear Todd, I’m going to see your show on Friday, do you know how old you have to be to get into that club? I don’t know, do you wanna maybe call the club with that one, instead of writing directly to the artist, do you think Mick Jagger gets emails like that? Dear Mike, I’m going to see you at Madison Square Garden next week. I’m going to have leave straight from work. Not going to have time to get anything to eat, do you know how much why charge for a hot dog, also I haven; get there in a while, can you map quest me directions mcgauer from the rolling stones. Mc at rolling stones dot com, oh man just gave out McGarry real email address. He’s’ going to be in the hotel room later, Keith got over here, I just got a sudden influx of emails, from Cambridge, oh Massachusetts. How does that happen Keith, Keith I have another question why are we sharing a hotel room, we’re both billionaires, it’s curious. It’s curious Keith that we’re sharing a hotel room, when we’re billionaires, we’re not sweating it anymore Keith. Some people really appreciate my accent work, no I do accent work, like if you see a Hugh Grant movie, and he has a sore throat that day. You guys believe em like holy shit that’s a good gig. It Sounds easy enough just to drop in the key. Good on you. Some people write me an email, dear Todd or whoever reads Todd’s emails. Oh yeah, I got a guy doing that. I pay a college kids to read Todd’s emails for him, that’d be a good gig for a college kid. With all due respect Mr. Barry you get seven emails a day. You’re correct and I’ve only gotten six today, back to work. I went to college at the University of Florida. I said that recently someone went to a bar, I said why are you booing, Florida State man?” Oh you went to a different school. Mysteries solved. I love that mentally, but you went to a different school than I did, I want everyone going to the same school. One school. A hundred and forty million students or I go boo. I am the least tolerate human being on earth. What did you have for dinner? Chinese food, I had Japanese food, boo. Do you like Tristan? I prefer wheat thins boo. You like regular starburst. I like the tropical climate. Boo motherfucker. I only have 700 more examples of this. You like curly fries, I don’t like not waffle steak fries, boo. You’re right my heart wasn’t into that last one. I wasn’t passionate about that one, like I was about the recent wheat thin ones, where I almost started crying. 

Chipotle, Trader’s Joes

Y’all have the chipotle Mexican grill? Np, you have that place next door, what that place called, this will all be cut out,  it’s Qdoba. I’m going to do a joke about something very similar. It’s a chain, I’m sure some of you, yeah, why the fuck did you put me through all that? I overreached I apologize. So I like the chipotle Mexican grill, that place is delicious, every time I bring up the chipotle Mexican grill in conversation someone is like oh chipotle is delicious, can you believe they were started by McDonalds, uhh McDonalds is delicious. So yes, I can believe that. It’s not like Ben and Jerry’s opened up a lingerie shop. It’s the world’s greatest restaurant chain, taking a stab at another kind of food and hitting it out of the park. People said Todd you can’ pull off a chipotle joke in a town where they don’t have chipotle, I said watch me. You have trader’s joes here, huh, trader joe’s grocery store just opened up in New York City. There were lines around the block I finally made my way in there, and I ran into a friend of mine, he said oh this palace is great, they have the best pizza. You know who else has good pizza, New York city. Maybe someday they will open up a New York City, New York city. I heard there was a Trader Jose in Idaho now, wondering if they do tater tots. 

Old Navy, Short Shop

I went to old navy to buy a wallet. Cause I make an astounding amount of money. And I go through wallets like crazy. I went there and said, do you sell wallets? The guy said I don’t know if we do, but if we did they’d be on the second floor, a table from the left. Oh but you don’t even know if you sell them, but with pinpoint accuracy you’re going to lead me right to them, if it turns out that you do sell them. But that you don’t know. I go to the second floor I find another sales man. Guy goes, no wallets, no ties. As if I’ve heard the wallet question and we all knows what’s coming around the bend. I can understand no wallets in the old navy but no ties, but what I’m supposed to wear with my mock rib turtleneck and my purple camouflage cargo pants. I got a funeral to go to. Oh man. I was in California and I walked by a short men’s clothing shop. I had never seen this before, I thought I’m kind of short, I walked in there looked at some of the sizes, guess what people, Todd Barry too damn tall. Too tall for the little guy shop. I walks in there the salesmen was freaking out, how’d ya even get in here man. Help police there’s a giant. It’s got to be 5-5th bring a crane. Put in a special jail cell, with extra high ceilings. Cause he’s a motherfucking’ giant. 

Todd’s Address, Stay with Todd, Limo, Container Store

You guys can all come stay with me in New York. Let’s give out my home address right now. 1309 granny smith apple way. Penthouse, New York New York. 5531. I actually have a nice place 23 bedrooms, every bedroom has a baby grand piano in it. Sitting next to the baby grand piano I swear to god a regular sized grand piano. Architectural digest did a story about my apartment, they called it a pretentious douchebag house, they lost 50,000 subscribers. Cause in the history of that magazine nobody has ever read the word douchebag. In that magazine. I’m not rich. If I do become rich, the only thing that will change, I’ll get alimony. Same awful apartment, just with a limousine. My neighbors will look out their windows, why doesn’t he move. Look honey he has used that thing to go return bottles. Oh, he got a crazy good spot in front he check cashing store, it’s’ 29 cent money order Mondays. Guys have the container store here, this one is going to fucking rocket. This one is going to rock. Counter store is amazing. The Most amazing thing about the country store, it’s really a container store. I saw that sign and I thought there was no way. I walked in there, four hours later, i said you know what i think it might be. They see a reef counter there, a reef counter! If I had enough disposable income to justify buying a reef counter, I’d probably be the kind of hot shot who just bought a new reef every year. We’re through the reef out baby. What? Toss it! Throw out these 7 dollar reef. But I just bought a 2000 hard reef road case. Same kind used by Santa Claus on his last Japanese tour. Sant-ie clause. 

Anal, Set an Alarm

I was dating a women we had our first little sex talk, she actually said to me, she goes Todd I’ve had anal sex before but don’t ask me who it was with. I think if i made a list of every question, I’d ask before that one, it would be a list of every question. Including who shot jr, where the beef, and why would you think I’d want to know that. Okay maybe not where’s the beef, because she might answer that one. Just for the future, never groan at another joke. I love that that one made you, oh no, too far. Too far. We’re gonna groan, and laugh at the same time, that way we’re covered. Someone comes up, hey did you like that anal sex joke, you heard me laughing didn’t ya. I thought it was offensive, ya heard me groaning didn’t ya. You ever have sex with someone you don’t know that well, they stay the night they ask if you’ll set an alarm. It’s like hey can you set an alarm I have to go to work. I could but that alarm would wake up also. Think we found a  glitch in the system. They don’t sell an alarm that will only wake you up. No not even at sharper image. Can you just call in sick, I really had my heart set on a nice skyward breakfast. 

Amex, Pastry Chef

Same AmEx card I have sir. Something to tell your friends. People are like why don’t you have a platinum card. Todd Barry has the blue card. How would you know what kind of card Todd Barry has? In this premise they know who I am. I ran into a friend of my on the street i hadn’t seen in a while, he’s  pastry chef, I said hey what’s going on, he said oh I have to France to go to chocolate school. Alright. Whatever happened to not much what about you. You’re not only going to France, your goin there to study chocolate. Normally I would have been jealous but luckily I had been on my way to the airport to go to wahiki to go to cunniligious camp. Bunniligigy camp in tahiti. The only thing better than chocolate school in France. The day starts at six am and ends at six pm with only one break for arts and crafts. 

Nurse’s T shirt, Kids T Shirt

Saw a woman on the street wearing a shirt that said, Nurses kick butt. I don’t want a nurse that kicks butt. I don’t like the idea of fired up health care workers. I don’t want to be lying in the operating room when the door gets kicked open. There is a guy standing there in sequence scrubs. Hello I’m Stanley standups, I’m going to be your neurologist. And tonight I’m going to tear this down. Scalpe bitch. Bitch I need that scapolite. Bitch I need that scalpel. Bitch I need it. I saw a guy in the street, with this little boy, like a three year old boy, the boy was wearing a dead Kennedys t-shirt. I just wanted to walk up to the father and be like hey you know what, your kid ain’t that cool. I could just see the father dressing the kid, like Honey why are you putting that little blue sweater one him, if he wears that no one will know how great my cd collection is. 

Selling Cds, Springsteen at Bar, Moore at Party, Gawker

Sometimes I sell CDs after a show. It’s fun when nobody cuts them, but sometimes someone will come up to the table and look at the CD, flip it over, and walk away. It’s like, what wasn’t there. That you thought should be there oh it’s one of your CDs I didn’t realize that. I was looking for the first Tracy Chapman album. I met a woman who works at a bar. I asked if any celebrities came into the bar. She was like oh yeah Bruce Springsteen came in once. He was by himself waiting for some people who didn’t show up, so he left after an hour. I thought that it was wonderful that people as huge as Bruce Springsteen still get fucked over by their shitty friends. You know he sent them a text message, where were you assholes? I got cornered by ten new jersey community college students, asking me for little Steven high school stires. You dicks are always doing this to me. Fuck you guys. This is what Springsteen sounds like when talks, the singing voice is totally affected. Totally affected. I was talking to a friend of mine, said she met Michael more at a party, and he was totally nice. I was like yeah he might be nice but you met him at a party, what do you think would happen if you met bush at a party.  Hey nice to meet you Mr. president. Fuck you war. Fuck you. What did you expect from me, low level party courtesy? There is a website in new York called gawker, and they list everyone that people report. It’ll be ok 23rd street and 3 ave, Ethan Hawke buying a banana. 23rd 8th ave, Ethan Hawke with a half eaten banana. 23rd and 9th ave, a bananaless Ethan Hawke. Running wild through the streets, on some kind of potassium high. I’m guessing he just ate a banana. Which explains why he was bananless. I once played a joke on the site gawker. I told an audience to say they met me somewhere. I said, I don’t care where you said you saw me, just use the phrase easy on the eyes. ” I said the next day i got an email from gawker, “hey are you rallying your troops or something” What you got 15 emails saying i was easy on the eyes, there’s a chance I might be behind that. There is a slim chance that I had something to do with that. 

Potter, Chinese Restaurant Conversations

You guys read that harry potter book, huh, yeah yeah, i saw a guy who was reading that on the subway, he was on like page 850. It was three days after the book came out. I was looking for this guy for three days and have read more than I have in my entire life. And I have an English degree. Then I realized it is kind of a children’s book. It was an 850 page Curious George book. I could probably burn through that in a couple months. Pretty good Chinese restaurant combo comedy combo people. I was in a Chinese restaurant in new York, I eat out a lone a lot, there is and acnge to eating out alone, unlimited eavesdropping. Don’t have to worry about pissing anyone off. Eavesdrop until your heart’s content. This is an actual conversation I heard in a Chinese restaurant. Threw was like an 85 year old Chinese guy, and a 45 year old white woman, and she was teaching him how to say the words eggnog. This is the way the conversation went. Eggnog. Eggnog. No. eggnog. Egg-a-nog. This went back and forth about four more times. I wanted to stand up and say  you know what I think he got. I think any eggnog situation he finds himself in, for any company Christmas party he gets invited to. I think he’ll work his way through the eggnog situation, and go make him say egg-a, you condescending cunt-ta-ta. 

Fridge, Audience member’s tab, Best celebrity sighting

We’re almost done people, time flies, when you’re seeing the best show you’ve ever seen in your life. You know that old expression, time flies when you’re seeing without question the best show you’ve ever seen in your life. It’s kind of a clunky slogan. Some words drive me crazy, when people abbreviate words, when someone says fridge instead of refrigerator, i don’t know why but i want to climb up to a water tower, and pick people off with a shotgun. This is a true story. I was out on a date with Julia Roberts, we’re back at her place. Dishes’ like Todd. I’m going to go into the next room and put some perfume on my belly . Why don’t you grab a beer from the fringe? I was like what was that. She’s like, I’m going to put perfume on, you don’t like perfume, no I like perfume, why don’t you grab a beer from the fridge. Maybe i’ll do that while I’m on my way out, which is going to be now. And I stormed out of Julie Roberts’ apartment. Ran into her door man in the lobby he’s like what’s wrong man, you could have had some of that shit. I said sir, you are a very unprofessional doorman. What do you mean could have been awesome? You’re disgusting. And then I went back up. Come to think of it, he’s right. That’s the worst thing she did was say the word fringe, well nobody’s perfect. You want my fucking autograph or something, what’s it for? It’s just weird, you got one little piece, it’s your tab, that’s what they write on it, it’s like a shitty little, sir I’ll autograph it anyway. It’s my tab. Don’t ever talk to me that way. When is ay, is that for me to autograph you go, what else would it be fore. The best, this is my final joke, in case you want to act like it’s better than it is. That’s your call people., do whatever you want. See a lot of celebrities in New York, the best celebrity sighting, I swear to go this is true. I Was walking through the park, you remember the band the spin doctors, i saw the bass player from the spin doctor sitting on a park bench alone reading bass player magazine. Never have I felt more, in the right place at the right time, I could be anywhere, and I end up witnessing the bass player from the spin doctor, kicking back with the latest issue of bass player magazine. It’s like if you were walking through the park and you saw me reading an amazing comedian magazine. Or super pretty hazel eyes magazine. Thanks a lot everyone, see ya later 

Paula Poudstone – Pop Tarts Video (just Paula’s part)

Paula Poudstone – Pop Tarts Video (just paula’s part)

Thank you very much and thank you so much for coming. This is a video tape, going to be available, with pop tarts, so right now we know we’re talking to pop tart eaters, it’s a good feeling isn’t it. Just knowing that the pop tart eaters are going to be sitting eating tarts one day. Doing that thing you do when you eat breakfast foods, just starting at the packing. You realize with all the things you could read why are you reading this right. You read through each tart, so that’s six times, before you realize oh I could two more boxes of these. I actually eat a box of pop tarts a day, it’s a fact. I have to mention it on stage before, which I’m happy to do because in fact I do eat a box of tarts each day. You can see here, on the box the tart snapped in half. All the tasty goodness right there. This by the way, see the strawberries on the box, this is just a serving suggestion. Don’t be disappointed if you open your box and you don’t see any loose fruit inside. This is what happens to me. There are 6 toaster pastries but they come in pouches of two. This is the trick ladies and gentleman, i open the first package and eat one tart, as you naturally would. And after a while I have to eat the second one or it will go stale. Now I forgot, I’ve eaten two, it’s no longer a snake it’s a meal. And then after a while I’m like, well heck I don’t just want two pop tarts hanging out in the box. Eat the last one, just to tidy up really. Actually, I swear, I’m not just saying this, they’re fine food, and I always find myself reading the ingredients on the side, nine, no, here it is 9 grams of fat. Per serving. Oh buy serving one pastry your kidding, what kind of idiot would just have one tart. I met this idiot, who said we eat the chocolate flavored, chocolate frosted ones. Eats them up, breakfast hem up over a bowl and pours milk over them. Well forget it you may as well cook. You’re using more than 3 steps your cooking in my opinion. Have you ever seen me in an airport I dare you to stop me, i always have a box in bag, so when the stewards comes around with her kart, and everyone else gets the yucky foil pouch of nuts, I lean into my bag and pull out a poptart, all the other passengers look at me bitterly, where’d you get that, how much did you pay for this flight. You guys seem like such a nice crowd my little disappointed that the pop tart eaters can’t be with us right now. This is like putting a message in a bottle. I have a good feeling. How is that one piece of hair doing, is it in your way, it’s in mine. Drives me nuts. Some Days i can’t even get out of bed and do not push the piece of hair out of my hair one more time. Too much energy for me. 

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Loose in Chicago – Kyle Kinane

Loose in Chicago – Kyle Kinane


Ladies and gentlemen. Kyle Kinane. Thank you. Thank you very much. Alright. Stop. Thank you very much. It’s’ good to be taping a special in Chicago. At metro. Back in my hometown this feels great. Thank you for being here. I have been on the road most of my life so to come back home to tape a special means a  lot to me. I swear. I spend most of my time on the road and I have to leave my girlfriend at home, and sometimes she makes mention that she might be a little bit jealous. And sometimes I’m on the road and I might meet women on the road. 

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Jo Firestone – The hits

Jo Firestone – The hits

Hot and Fresh

(clapping noises)thank you, how’s everyone doing, good? Uhh , so this will butler, will is going to be playing. Will is going to be playing some songs, it’s’ going to be like This American Life, you know how they play songs wherever like, yeah. Yeah yeah. That’s really good. This American Life. So we’re going to be doing that, there are going to be a lot of musical interludes, keep it fresh and hot. I did want to warn you guys that my comedy does have a target audience, it’s women that don’t want to have fun, so if you’re one of those people you’re in the right place. If not I’m sorry. 

Continue reading “Jo Firestone – The hits”

Nick Vatterott – For Amusement Only

Nick Vatterott came out of nowhere for me, but it’s one of my favorites. He’s been around somewhat, has a Comedy Central credit, along with being on a few late night shows. He frequently opened for TJ Miller 

Nick Vatterott is able to utilize the ability to draw on quick transitions of voices and sounds, but never makes it about just making a weird sound from his mouth. On the track Introduce yourself Vatterott utilizes his ability to swiftly move from voice to voice to build up to some great punchlines. It has him starting with hearing someone ask the bartender if they’re name is “Dar-Kar ” and going into that person about that is not a name. Then he goes on to add an element of how people will repeat names. This joke is one of the most layered jokes I have ever heard, and on top of the great writing, Vatterott’s delivery makes the joke work. 

Vatterott is able to utilize his energy into unique jokes that in addition to being high energy are different. This album is definitely a shining star of what comedy can be, any comedy and should give this album a listen. He is a great writer, and his ability to embrace small characters in jokes and perform them in big ways is stellar. 

Favorite Tracks: Catch of the day, TV, Introduce yourself

If you like Nick Vatterorr you should check out Sam Tallent, Sean Patton, Myq Kaplan, and Emily Heller.

Katt Williams – Live

Katt Williams – Live

Interview with Chris Coleman


Weather in Cincinnati

Before we get cracken. I do I have some complains about Cincinnati lets get this about the way before a nigga gets started. I’ve been here three days it’s been all kind of fuckin you niggas have all the weather, this is bullshit. 72 hours it’s been hot mild, rainy coldly sleety cold, this is bullshit. A pimp doesn’t know what to wear in this weather. I’m in the hotel lobby with a fur coat on some swim trunks and some timberlands, cause I don’t know what will happen to this raggedy bitch this evening. Shit. yesterday it was a 181 degrees, today it was 36 what the fuck you can’t pimp nobody when it’s 136 degrees, just as soon as you walk out, bitch where is my money, pimp down! I am a boy damn! Got to love Cincinnati. 

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Colin Quinn – Parking Lot

Colin Quinn – Parking Lot

I haven’t seen any of Colin Quin’s stand up, but i did see him live once at the comedy cellar, and he was the second best that night, right after Michelle wolf, who fucking killed it. This is a special fileded during 2021, and it’s just a drive-in show. Colin quin frames it like he came up with the idea, and was the first to do it. But it’s like, c’mon dude, as soon as covid began comics began trying weird shows to fill the void. I went to one of those weird car shows, it was bad. 

I wne to one of these shows. It was awful. Hannibal Buress and friends came to indianapolis. To a drive through. Me and my friend wnet, we drove all the way up, the best part was just getting to talk to my friend for so long. The actual show was straight stupid, if you ask me. I wasn’t into it. Hannibal got up, did about ten minutes of bad standup that didn’t hit. He didn’t know how to make it hit a car audience. After he did ten minutes, he brought up a comic from Chicago that was not good, and then he brought Dj Marshmello. Dj Marshmellow made me feel like I had wasted my money. During Dj Marshmellow’s set we thought about leaving, but instead we both just went to the bathroom, which took about 20 minutes because it was a parking lot show. I do want ot say I think Hannibal is fucking great and one of the best comics in the game. This wasn’t a good show for him, he was obviously rusty and 

This special was also bad. Of course there was nothing as bad as the Hannibal Buress show. Because I had to wait in line for that. But Colin Quinn’s park lot special was bad because all of the comics were talking about how bad it was, and it wasn’t focused on the comedy. Itw as focused on the cattiness of the comics int he back,a nd their dumb antics. This was treated like a podcast. Apparently Quinn asked the comics to do new material, so it’s like… why would I want to see that? I hope we never have to try to do parking lot shows for people in their cars again.

Eddie Pepitone – In ruins

Eddie Pepitone – In ruins

Rounds of applause

(Piano) ladies and gentlemen put your hands together for the bitter buddha, Eddie peptone. Yeah! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, how about a round of applause for the comedian who were out here. Round of applause if you thought Lincoln’s death was inevitable, just because of how it played out, with the south and the hatred of the south, round of applause if you think it was inevitable. Yes. Right. Round of applause if you cannot access god. Round of applause. What, I can’t access god. What is all this talk lately, of accessing god, through mediation Pilates, I have friends who are accessing god, I cannot access god. I just think that comedians who do that kind of vapid round of applause bullshit, I think they should do just more interesting rounds of applause. Like, to draw you in, round of applause, if you are caught in a web of lies, so interact with your wife that one small mistake on Facebook one small liking someone who shouldn’t be liked, just a tiny photo like, and your life comes down like a house of cards. Round of applause, round of applause. And round of applause if that anxiety manifested itself late at night when you have your sleep apnea mask on. This is also the comic who doesn’t realize he’s talking about himself. He thinks he’s relating he’s being too damn specific. You know, round of applause if that anxiety, if it manifests when you have sleep annpea on, by the way your sleep[ apnea mask has a Spiderman decal on it. Because you think that makes sleep apnea cool. Round Of applause. But round of applause fi the anxiety is too much. I  mean just fucking much. Round of applause if your sick of being a good fucking person all the fucking time. And the fucking leader, and round of applause the leaders nat the people that rule the country they have no moral center, why do I have to, I mean you. I am sorry. Round of applause if you’re sick of having a moral center when everything around you doesn’t have a moral center. Everything around you is just greed and profila like you’re supposed to get up and be Mr. goody fucking two shoes. Round of applause around of applause if you think Brooklynn which is where we are, and this is for the viewers, you know where you most of you. Round of applause if you think Brooklyn has gotten to sauced with grilled cheese shop and peanut butter shops. What kind of burrow is this where you can get grilled cheese, grilled cheese sandwiches maybe people in Brooklyn should start thinking instead of eating grilled cheese sandwich and specialty peanut butter, maybe they should start organizing for lower fucking rents, they’re all so wrapped up in grilled cheese, and cinnamon swirl raisin peanut butter. Which is deckois. I will not deny that I had some today, but I go into these stores with a reminious alert consciousness. And where are the do whoops groups in Brooklynn, they sussed to be on every  fucking corner have they been rounded up and pout in camps, that’s the Brooklyn I remember round of applause if that the Brooklynn. 

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